Demanding Child

Question:

I am a mother of 5 children aged 8, 7, 5, 4 and 8 months old. There are many things I could ask about but I have gained so much just through reading as much as I can through your website. As well as this, we plan to order at least one of your books when we can afford it.

However, something I have not come across yet and am desperate to have answered is this. My (just turned) 4 year old son is very difficult to live with and hard to figure out at the moment. Briefly put, firstly, he will speak over someone else in the family or try to override their will with his without paying any attention to what they need or want no matter how reasonable. For example, when I am talking on the telephone, (which isn't that often), he will talk to me or yell and demand for what he wants even though he knows I'm talking to somebody else, it's very embarrassing. If he wants his own way he will fight or make a scene to get it no matter who's around or where we might be at the time! We sometimes give in to him because it's just easier, more peaceful or if in town, less embarrassing than to fight it. But other times, I stand my ground with him and have to calmly and kindly carry him out of the room to gently hold him and calm him down. The second problem is this, lately he has taken to hitting me whenever he perceives that I am being "mean" to him which is usually over the slightest little thing, like me kindly correcting him with a lilt in my voice or asking him not to annoy his sisters or brothers. But worse than that, he is verbally abusing me at the same time. He repeatedly says he "hates" me, that I'm being "mean to him", that I don't love him, that I'm a "disgusting" mother, when all I've done is tried to love him by setting boundaries for him. He totally overreacts and misunderstands me and my intentions.

I've always had a strong bond with him as a baby and he's normally a very joyful, delightful, social, outgoing, gregarious child who loves to be the center of attention! He's always known I love him and when he's happy he's been the one child who'll always tell me how much he loves me and so forth. I'm sad and concerned as he's miserable and his behavior is such that I getting to the stage of feeling anxious when we are around other people incase he behaves in any one of these totally inappropriate ways mentioned above. Or sometimes, it will be overtly rude or foolish behavior like saying rude or inappropriate words or annoying, repetitive noises where I have to ask to be quiet or leave the room, which is always to no avail.

Any advice to help and understand my son is so welcomed and much appreciated! Thank you.

Jody

Answer:

Hi Jody, I can "hear" from you email what a good mom you are (and a busy one with five children) and how difficult and frustrating it is to deal with a challenging child. I can also tell that there is a lot going on that will be too difficult to explain in an email--it would take a book, but I will try a few concepts and suggestions.

As a mother of 5 children, you know (as do all mothers) that every child is born with different "temperaments" and little personalities. In the book, Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, we discuss temperament. Following is a brief summary:

Temperament and Development1[1]

Why Do They DO That?

Compiled from Positive Discipline the First Three Years and Positive Discipline for Preschoolers by Jane Nelsen, Cheryl Erwin, and Roslyn Duffy

A child’s behavior is the result of

individual temperament
emotional, physical, and cognitive development
what he or she has decided about how to find belonging and worth
Temperament is inborn and appears to remain constant throughout our lifespan. (See Chess and Thomas’s “Know Your Child”)

3. Behavior is a dance between temperament, development, and what your child believes about himself, you, and the world around you.
Temperament:

1. Activity Level
High activity -----------------------------------------------------Low activity

2. Rhythmicity (predictability of physical functions)
Predictable---------------------------------------------------------Unpredictable

3. Initial Response (reaction to something new)
Approach--------------------------------------------------------------Withdrawal

4. Adaptability (ability to adjust to change over time)
Adapts quickly------------------------------------------------------Adapts slowly

5. Sensory Threshold (sensitivity to sensory stimulation)
Very sensitive-------------------------------------------------------Less sensitive

6. Quality of Mood
Optimistic--------------------------------------------------------------Pessimistic

7. Intensity of Reactions (response to events)
Intense reactions--------------------------------------------------Mild reactions

8. Distractibility (willingness of a child to be distracted)
Highly focused--------------------------------------------------Easily distracted

9. Persistence and Attention Span (ability to stay focused on an activity for a length of time)
Persistent/long attention span------------------------------Gives up/short span
Parents have temperaments, too; “goodness of fit” refers to how well a parent’s temperament matches his or her child’s.

Effective parenting means planning for the child you actually have!
In the early years, a child’s behavior has more to do with development than with “misbehavior”; children are young and unskilled, and need discipline that teaches, rather than punishment.

No matter how old your child is, it is important to know your child!!

I'm sure you will find your little 4-year-old on the scale. My guess is that he also feeling "dethroned" by the new baby. He got to be the "youngest" for quite awhile. To watch a candle demonstration you might want to try to deal with "dethronement," go to http://janenelsen.com/video.html

Once you understand all this it is important to understand that you can't change him any more than you can change a petunia into a rose (he may alwyas be an "intense reactor") but you can do things to help him be the best he can be. The worst thing you can do is to give in to him. That teaches him that his methods work so you are engaging in tyrant training.

Some suggestions:

1. Keep doing many of the positive things you are doing--more consistently.

2. Don't worry about what other people think. I know this is difficult, but someone once asked me, "Do you want to be a good mother for the neighbors, or for your children?" That was a huge reminder to me to think more about what my children needed than what others thought.

3. Set up a special time with your son for 15 minutes a day. (It is a good idea to do this with all your chldren.) Then when he is demanding your time when you don't have it, you can say, "I'm busy now, but I sure am looking forward to our special time at 4:15." Then ignore his demands.

4. Ignore his demands a lot. Do the above or simply validate his feelings. "I know you really want that and you are so angry and upset that you can't have it now." Then ignore.

5. Let him have his feelings. Allow him to be upset and angry without thinking you have to rescue him or fix it for him. Children need to learn to develop their disappointment muscles so they learn confidence and resiliency--that they can handle the ups and downs of life.

6. Try hugs. For a great example of this, go to http://www.positivedisicpline.com/ and scroll down to the free podcasts and listen to # 39.

7. Start regular family meetings on a weekly basis so all of your children can learn so many valuable and social lifeskills such as looking for the positive by giving and receiving compliments and by focusing on solutions. All the Positive Dsicipline books have chapters on family meetings. You can also go to http://www.focusingonsolutions.com/ and order the ebook on the Family Meeting Album.

I wish you the best,

Morning Hassles and Power Struggles

Question:

Hi Jane,

My 4-year old recently started kindergarten and has to wear a school uniform. I tried to prepare her as much as I could over the summer about having to wear it for school. Thankfully we haven’t encountered any major issues in the morning when she has to put it on.

A couple of weeks ago however, we found out that the kids are going to be doing Judo once a week, and last week they were given their Judo uniforms, and the parents were asked to send the kids to school every Wed in the Judo uniform and pack their school uniform in the backpacks. Again, we talked about it, tried it on, and she seemed to be fine with the idea.

Well, this week when she had to put on her Judo uniform in the morning, the drama began. She REFUSED to wear it, so trying to give her a choice, I said she could either put it on and participate with her classmates, or she could put her school uniform instead, but she wouldn’t be able to participate, but that it was her choice. Well needless to say she wanted the best of both worlds. She wanted to wear her school uniform, and still be able to do her Judo class. I always feel like I’m walking that fine line between giving her choices (within limits) and adhering to certain policies (such as school policies). Also, these struggles ALWAYS happen when I’m racing against the clock to get to work in the morning, so more times than not, my patience inevitable runs out. I need some advice.

How could I have handled this? Any suggestions on dealing with these power struggles would be GREATLY appreciated!

Thank you,
Angie

Answer:

Angie,

When you give a choice you need to be okay with either choice and follow-through. Allow her to experience the consequences of her choice at school. When she cries and complains, simply validate her feelings. "I can see how upsetting that was." Then allow her to learn from the experience and decide what she will do next time without any lectures (especially in the “I told you so,” form from you.

You do offer another clue when you say these things happen when you are racing. One possible way to prevent the problem in the first place is to have her create a bedtime routine chart that includes laying out her clothes for the next morning. Is is fun for the kids to have pictures of themselves doing each task. Pictures for the "Laying out clothes for morning" could include one in her regular uniform and one in her Judo uniform. All you would need to ask is, "Since tomorrow is Wed, which uniform do you need to lay out tonight.

I'm sure you can see that helping her create her own bedtime routine with pictures helps her feel capable and allows her to use her power in useful ways so she doesn't feel the need to use it in "power struggles."

Best wishes,

Jane Nelsen

www.positivediscipline.com

Three-year-old Love/Hate Relationship with Baby Brother

Question:

I have a 3-year-old daughter and 7-month-old son. Until now my daughter has been really gentle with the baby but in the last couple of weeks she has been "testing" out being a bit rougher with him (pinching his cheeks, hugging him a bit too tight, giving him a kiss but holding on until he cries.) I usually try to quietly remind her that if the baby is crying it means that he is feeling hurt and that she needs to loosen up her grip. I've asked her how she thinks it makes him feel and what else we could do to show him love. She kind of half listens with a grin and stays away for a little bit...until about 10 minutes later. I believe she is doing it to get my reaction, but I feel like I can't ignore it or say that they need to sort it out themselves. (Obviously the baby has no way to defend himself.)
Also, because he is starting to become mobile and grabbing for toys she is in the habit of grabbing the toys he is playing with away. I know that sharing is still a difficult thing for her age, but I just want to try and handle it in a way that helps out both children.
Any suggestions that you can provide would be great. I just finished your Positive Discipline book and have ordered the Positive Discipline for Preschoolers edition and can't wait to read it. I have already found the suggestions so helpful and a good reminder of the way I want to parent....from the heart but firmly.

Thanks so much, Christine

Answer:

Hi Christine,
What you describe is so classic that I could have written this script for how a "dethroned" child might behave to display her love/hate relationship with the "usurper" in her world. You might want to re-read the chapter on Birth Order in Positive Discipline as a reminder of how children make decisions about themselves based on their decisions of how to find their place in the family when they compare themselves to their perceptions of their siblings.
The following candle demonstration may help you understand her thinking and a way to deal with the belief behind her behavior.

Using Candles to Deal with the Belief Behind the Behavior

There is a belief behind every behavior, but we usually only deal with the behavior. Dealing with the belief behind the behavior does not mean you don't deal with the behavior. You are most effective when you are aware of both the behavior and the belief behind it.
The following is a classic example of the belief behind a behavior. Suppose you have a four-year-old boy whose mother goes off to the hospital and brings home a brand-new baby. What does the four-year-old see going on between Mom and the baby? -- Time and attention. What does your son interpret that to mean? -- Mom loves the baby more than me. What does the four-year-old do in an attempt to get the love back? -- He may act like a baby himself and cry a lot, ask for a bottle, and soil his pants.
Wayne Freiden's and Marie Hartwell Walker have created songs (Family Songs, (Available at www.focusingonsolutions.com) that help adults get into the world of children and understand the beliefs they could be dealing with based on their birth order. Their songs include seven different birth order positions. Following is one verse from the song, Number One:

Oh it's hard to be number one.
And lately it's just no fun at all.
Life was so nice, when there were three,
Mommy and Daddy and Me.
And now there's another.
And I don't like it one bit.
Send it back to the hospital
And let's just forget about it.

Four-year-old Becky, who could identify with this song. Becky was feeling dethroned by the birth of a baby brother, and was experiencing confusion about her feelings for the baby. Sometimes she loved him, and other times she wished he had never been born because Mom and Dad spend so much time with him. She didn't know how to get attention for herself, except to act like the baby.
One evening, when the baby was asleep, Becky's mom sat down at the kitchen table with her daughter and said, "Honey, I would like to tell you a story about our family." She had found four candles of varying lengths. "These candles represent our family." She picked up one long candle and said, "This is the mommy candle. This one is for me." She lit the candle as she said, "This flame represents my love." She picked up another long candle and said, "This candle is the daddy candle." She used the flame from the mommy candle to light the daddy candle and said, "When I married your daddy, I gave him all my love -- and I still have all my love left." Mom placed the daddy candle in a candle holder. She then picked up a smaller candle and said, "This candle is for you." She lit the smaller candle with the flame from her candle and said, "When you were born, I gave you all my love. And look. Daddy still has all my love, and I still have all my love left." Mom put that candle in a candle holder next to the daddy candle. Then she picked up the smallest candle and, while lighting it from the mommy candle, said, "This is a candle for your baby brother. When he was born I gave him all my love. And look -- you still have all my love. Daddy has all my love. And I still have all my love left because that is the way love Is. You can give it to everyone you love and still have all your love. Now look at all the light we have in our family with all this love." (To see a video of this demonstration, go to http://janenelsen.com/video.html
Mom then asked Becky if she would like to use her candle to light the other candles, so she could see how she could give all her love away and still have all her love. Becky was excited to try this. Mom snuffed the flame on all the candles except Becky's, and then helped her pick up each candle and hold it over the flame of her candle until it was lit. Becky's eyes were shining almost as brightly as the flame of the candles.
Mom gave Becky a hug and said, "Does this help you understand that I love you just as much as I love your baby brother?"
Becky said, Yes, and I can love lots of people just the same.
What happens to us is never as important as the beliefs we create about what happens to us. Our behavior is based on those beliefs, and the behavior and beliefs are directly related to the primary goal of all people -- to feel that we belong and are important.
Mom had learned to deal with the belief behind Becky's misbehavior.
Once you understand the belief, you still need to know what to do. But first I want to tell you what not to do. Don't expect her to understand her feelings and her beliefs and her actions. Also, don't expect her to understand your explanations. When she is being too harsh with baby brother, try any of the following:

1) Use action, not words. Kindly and firmly distract her.
2) Give them both a hug at the same time. (Again, avoiding words and/or lectures.)
3) Try hugging just her when she "misbehaves." I know this sounds like rewarding the misbehavior. It is not. It is dealing with her faulty belief that she is not loved as much as her behavior. When her belief changes her behavior will change.
4) Show her how to "touch nicely," over and over.
5) Ask your daughter for her help with such things as finding another toy for her brother or for herself.
6) Supervise, supervise, supervise--so you can quickly intervene with any of the above.

Remember that there are millions of dethroned children in the world and children who did the dethroning. Most of us survive and grow up just fine.

MORNING POWER STRUGGLES (AGAIN)

QUESTION:

Hi Jane,

We’ve emailed before, and I have implemented many of your techniques, although I seem to forget them at times and at those times, things usually go south quickly. This morning, for instance, I told my 3 1/2 year old that if she could not be responsible and act like a big girl by brushing her teeth, she would not be able to participate in soccer today, which is the first day of many over the coming weeks. She refused to brush her teeth, crossed her arms and said “no!” She also calmly chose to not go to soccer and not brush her teeth. I ended up furious, leaving the room and she seemed unaffected in my absence – just sat there and doddled until I came back and yelled at her and made her brush her teeth. In retrospect, I know I contributed to this behavior, at least in part, by helping her this morning more than usual (doing too much because I am sick today and wanted to just get it done, when I know she is fully capable) and most likely making her wonder if I would go ahead and brush her teeth for her as well - I am sure she was testing me. I felt bad about taking the soccer away since I cannot tell if I disguised a punishment as a natural consequence or not (I told her that soccer if for responsible big girls, and if she could behave that way, there was no way she could participate – it seems relevant, but I am not so sure now), so when we tried to work something out (my husband actually – on his way taking her to school), she said that mommy said she could not go to soccer today…so maybe she doesn’t really want to participate – I just can’t tell, and I don’t know what to do now…any suggestions? She attends a Montessori school, if that has any relevance.

Thanks Jane!

Misty

ANSWER:

Hi Misty,

I feel your pain. All mothers, including me, have engaged in a power struggle with a child not much taller than our kneecaps. How do we ever fool ourselves that we can "win" such a battle? We have to admire the fact that these little ones refuse to have their personal power taken away from them. We are wise when we try to help them use their power in constructive ways instead of trying to take it away from them and then wonder why they go into misguided power or revenge and defeat us every time.

I hope you are willing to hear that you orchestrated a power struggle and put your daughter in a situation where she had to "lose" or "win." Again, we have all been there--especially when we feel sick or rushed. I don't know if she wants to play soccer or not, but even if she does--it is not worth it to her if she has to "lose" to gain the privilege. Your situation demonstrates how adults can be determined to win a power struggle even if it means humiliating children by telling them they are irresponsible and "not a big girl."

Taking away privileges is punishment--in case you are still in dobut. :-)

What if you dropped your need to "win" and make her "lose," and focused on helping her feel capable (instead of small and irresponsibile) by making a connection and then focusing on solutions. I suggest you apologize to her and then try some of the following.

1) Let her create a morning routine chart that includes pictures of her doing each task.
2) Let the routine chart be the boss. If you say anything it might be, "What is next on your routine chart."

Other possibilities are:

3) Appeal to her desire to help. "I really need your help this morning? What do you need to do to get ready?"
4) Instead of "telling" her to brush her teeth, ask, "What do you need to do so your teeth won't feel skuzzy?"

Your attitude of invitation instead of challenge is a key component. Most children this age love to help when they feel it is their idea instead of a win/lose battle. Asking, instead of telling invites children to think and feel capable because it seems more like their choice than a command.

5) One way to diffuse a power struggle is to recognize what you are doing and stop. Name it. "Wow, it looks like we are in a power struggle and I can see what I'm doing to create it."
6) Validate her feelings. "I'll be it makes you mad when I boss you around. Can we start over and find a solution that is respectful to both of us?"

One more thing. A new theme for Positive Discipline is "Connection before Correction."

7) Try a hug before you do anything else. This is not "rewarding" the behavior. It is creating a connection before respectful correction. You will get the feeling of what I'm saying by going to
http://www.positivediscipline.com/podcast/
and listening to two free podcasts. #. 49 on "workshop results" and #39 on "the power of a hug."

As you know, all of these concepts are discussed in much greater detail in all of the Positive Discipline books.

I wish you the best to focus on connection and solutions.

Jane Nelsen

Enthusiastic about their successes with Positive Discipline

It is always fun to interview someone who is so enthusiastic about their successes with Positive Discipline. Following is the email I received from Stephanie Peterson-Ferrel before calling her for an interview. Be sure to check out her website. Her writing is humorous and captures the feelings of many people.

Dr. Nelsen,

I'm not sure where to even start with my success story. I guess a little background would be helpful. Feel free to use only what you think is appropriate.

When I had my oldest, I was a young mom, and my own parents were pretty "traditional" in their methods of discipline - if I made a mistake, I was spanked or grounded. If I did well, I got lots of "attagirls". Naturally, I felt like this would work out for me with my own children. After all, I turned out "fine", didn't I? When my son was about three, there was a night when I overreacted to something he'd done. I won't go into the shameful details, but I made a decision that night that I wouldn't hit my kid again. Seeing that small child afraid of me was enough for me to stop and say, "Whoa. What am I doing??" And that was the end of spanking as a method of discipline in our house...well, most of the time.

It was very hard for me to give up spanking as a method of discipline as it seemed so effective, and I really had no "replacement" for it, other than yelling and nagging. Over the past decade since my decision to stop hitting, I'm ashamed to say I've struck my children in anger and frustration. Not often, but often enough that I'm squirming now just thinking about it. I can very clearly recall the last time I struck either of my kids (it happened to be my then 5 year old daughter), and the thought that went through my mind was, "There has got to be a better way. This isn't helping anyone." I promptly apologized to my daughter, and she forgave me. Kids are better than adults at forgiveness, I think.

After that last time I hit my child, I started voraciously reading parenting websites and magazines. I frequented parenting message boards. I asked for advice from mothers I knew. I was desperately searching for a method that could work for me and my children. I was seeing signs that my son was alternating between being a praise junkie and being completely rebellious. My seven year old daughter was trying her hardest to be the "perfect" child, and she was terribly hard on herself when she fell short of her standards, even though we weren't terribly hard on her. I just knew I had to find something and fast. Unfortunately, my piecemeal approach to parenting wasn't giving me the results I wanted.

A friend linked me to www.positivediscipline.com, and I was hooked by the "What is Positive Discipline?" section. I wanted to know more. I wanted our home to be one filled with love and mutual respect. I wanted my kids to be confident and self-reliant. I wanted them to think for themselves, so they could make good decisions on their own. Really, what parent doesn't want these things? I immediately ordered "Positive Discipline" and "Positive Discipline A-Z". I've read and re-read both of them, and in a matter of weeks, we've seen a remarkable difference in our home. (And PD A-Z has been a lifesaver more than once. Getting out of the "punishment" mindset is so much easier when you have actual suggestions to replace your former manner of handling things.)
The first thing my husband and I worked on was the idea that we had to make our kids feel bad for them to do better. (Did you realize how mind-blowing that line would be when you wrote it?) We sat and talked about it, and we really thought (for the first time) about how ineffective it is. Neither of us do better when we feel worse. Why would we think the kids were different? Once we got that idea straight, a lot of the rest of it came more easily. We've started family meetings (I love these!), and at first, the kids were suspicious. They figured it would be just another time for Mom and Dad to lecture. They've since realized that their input is valuable and more importantly, that it's heard, and they participate enthusiastically. (Yes, even my teenager.)

Another thing that's changed is how often our children fight with each other. Without the "payoff" of Mom or Dad getting involved, they seem to be able to resolve their arguments with a minimum of fuss. The first few times they heard, "I have faith that you can work this out yourselves," they both rolled their eyes and huffed off. Since then, though, they've realized I'm serious, and they work it out themselves. Joy!

I think the absolute hardest part really has been to stay out of things. So many times, I find myself wanting to "fix" things for them, and since reading PD, I've realized I'm not fixing anything. I'm robbing them of their ability to learn from their mistakes and to become capable of making their own decisions. I've spent a lot of time in Positive Time-Out learning to keep my big yap shut, but again -- it's been worth every bit of effort. My son who was previously incapable (or so I thought) of doing his homework without reminders (read: nagging) now does his homework on his own. My daughter has learned that making a mistake is just not a big deal, and I've seen her ease up on the need to be the "perfect" child.

I could go on and on here, but I've already written way more than I'd planned. I do expect to be able to provide even more success stories as time goes on, as my youngest isn't even a year old. (That was another thing I really related to in your book - I have "before, during and after" kids, too.)

Thank you so much,

Stephanie Peterson-Ferrel

Pushing Younger Brother: Does Three-Year-Old Know Better?

Question:

Hello Jane

I have read your books positive discipline and positive discipline for preschoolers - I think it is a great approach.

My three year old son is constantly pushing my 19 month old - how can I use positive discipline to nip the behavior in the bud? Should I use positive time-outs? I think he is old enough to understand what he is doing is wrong but he does not seem to listen when I talk to him about it - I really do not want this behavior to carry over into the classroom - can you help me?

Kristin

Answer:

Hi Kristin,

Thanks for asking. I'm receiving so many emails with a similar theme, so hopefully others will find this helpful.

First I want to explain why your three-year-old doesn't understand that what he is doing wrong. I'm going to explain this in several different ways--first in a very back door way by asking a question.

Would you allow your son to go to the park by himself even though you think he understands that it is wrong to cross a busy street and that he should not play on the equipment on any way that isn't safe? Of course not. If you answer why, you'll know why your son doesn't know it is wrong to push the nineteen-month-old. He hasn't developed enough maturity and judgment to REALLY know right from wrong. His brain has not developed enough for this. Read the Piaget demonstrations in Positive Discipline for Preschoolers again to understand even more about this. I'll repeat it here from another book:

Piaget Excerpt for Positive Discipline for Child Care Providers by Jane Nelsen and Cheryl Erwin

Caregivers who have studied child development know that the intellectual capabilities of young children have not developed to the point where they can think like adults, yet many adults act as though they should. Forcing a young child to “Say you are sorry” is an excellent example. Thinking children understand “no” the way adults think they do, is another example.

The following Piaget demonstrations illustrate this in a way that verbal explanations fail.

Piaget Demonstrations

Jean Piaget was one of the pioneers in understanding the cognitive development of children. He devised these demonstrations to help adults understand how children’s thinking ability differs from their own:

• Take two balls of clay that are the same size. Ask a three-year-old whether they are the same. Make adjustments by taking clay from one ball and adding it to the other until the child agrees that they are the same size. Then, right in front of her, smash one ball of clay. Then ask her whether they are still the same. She will say no and will tell you which one she thinks is bigger. A five-year-old will tell you they are the same and can tell you why.

• Find four glasses: two glasses that are of the same size, one glass that is taller and thinner, and one glass that is shorter and fatter. Fill the two glasses that are the same size with water until a three-year-old agrees they are the same. Then, right in front of her, pour the water from one of these glasses into the short, fat glass and the other one into the tall, thin glass. Then ask her whether they still hold the same amount of water. Again, she will say no and will tell you which glass she thinks contains the most water. A five-year-old will tell you they contain the same amount and can tell you why.

Both of these examples demonstrate thinking abilities identified by Piaget. When we understand that perceiving, interpreting, and comprehending an event are so markedly different for young children, our expectations as adults alter. The meaning children attach to their experiences does not match the meaning adults attach to the same experiences.

The next thing to understand is that it is likely that your son something else is going on when he pushes. It could be that he is frustrated--if not about something that is going on at the time, it could be the fact that he has been dethroned. In either case, when "upset" none of us (even those of us who supposedly have developed maturity and judgment) act rationally. The following article, which is included in several Positive Discipline books, explains "dethronement." (You can also watch a video of my sharing the candle story by going to http://www.janenelsen.com/ and click on videos.)

When a First Born Child is dethroned by a New Baby in the Family

Dealing with the Belief behind the Behavior

by Jane Nelsen

There is a belief behind every behavior, but when confronted with a “misbehaving child” adults usually deal only with the behavior. Dealing with the belief behind the behavior does not mean you don't deal with the behavior. However, you are most effective when you are aware of both the behavior and the belief behind it.

The following is a classic example of the belief behind a behavior. Suppose you have a two to four-year-old child whose mother goes off to the hospital and brings home a brand-new baby. What does the first born child see going on between Mom and the baby? -- Time and attention. What does the older child interpret this to mean? -- Mom loves the baby more than me. What does the first born child do in an attempt to get the love back? – He or she may act like a baby and cry a lot, ask for a bottle, and soil his or her pants.

Wayne Freiden and Marie Hartwell Walker 1[1] have created songs that help adults get into the world of children and understand the beliefs they could be developing based on their birth order. Their songs include seven different birth order positions.

Following is one verse from the song, Number One:
Oh it’s hard to be number one.
And lately it’s just no fun at all.
Life was so nice, when there were three,
Mommy and Daddy and Me.
And now there’s another.
And I don’t like it one bit.
Send it back to the hospital
And let’s just forget about it.

Four-year-old Becky, could identify with this song. She was feeling dethroned by the birth of a baby brother, and was experiencing confusion about her feelings for the baby. Sometimes she loved him, and other times she wished he had never been born because Mom and Dad spend so much time with him. She didn’t know how to get attention for herself, except to act like the baby.

One evening, when the baby was asleep, Becky’s mom sat down at the kitchen table with her daughter and said, "Honey, I would like to tell you a story about our family.” She had found four candles of varying lengths. “These candles represent our family." She picked up one long candle and said, "This is the mommy candle. This one is for me." She lit the candle as she said, "This flame represents my love." She picked up another long candle and said, "This candle is the daddy candle." She used the flame from the mommy candle to light the daddy candle and said, "When I married your daddy, I gave him all my love -- and I still have all my love left." Mom placed the daddy candle in a candle holder. She then picked up a smaller candle and said, "This candle is for you." She lit the smaller candle with the flame from her candle and said, "When you were born, I gave you all my love. And look. Daddy still has all my love and I still have all my love left." Mom put that candle in a candle holder next to the daddy candle. Then she picked up the smallest candle and, while lighting it from the mommy candle, said, "This is a candle for your baby brother. When he was born I gave him all my love. And look -- you still have all my love. Daddy has all my love and I still have all my love left because that is the way love Is. You can give your love to everyone in our family and still have all your love left. Now look at all the light we have in our family with all this love."

Mom then asked Becky if she would like to use her candle to light the other candles, so she could see how she could give all her love away and still have all her love. Becky was excited to try this. Mom snuffed the flame on all the candles except Becky’s, and then helped her pick up each candle and hold it over the flame of her candle until it was lit. Becky’s eyes were shining almost as brightly as the flame of the candles.

Mom gave Becky a hug and said, “Does this help you understand that I love you just as much as I love your baby brother?”

Becky said, Yes, and I can love lots of people just the same.

What happens to us is never as important as the beliefs we create about what happens to us. Our behavior is based on those beliefs, and the behavior and beliefs are directly related to the primary goal of all people -- to feel that we belong and are important.

Mom had learned to deal with the belief behind Becky’s misbehavior. Becky stopped acting like a baby, and was more consistently loving to her baby brother.


Now for what to do:
1. Supervise, supervise, supervise. Just as you can't allow a child to go to the park by himself, don't expect him to control his emotions and his frustrations.

2. Don't scold him and comfort the younger child. (If you do, you are training the younger to become a victim who will soon learn how to get special attention.) Instead, take the pusher on your lap and validate his feelings. "You must be feeling upset, sad, mad, or whatever." It is likely that he will then be willing to help you help the younger child feel better too by having him or her join you on your lab.

3. Another possibility is to just take them both on your lap and ignore the pushing. I know this sounds like rewarding the misbehavior, but not when you understand human behavior and that a misbehaving child is a discouraged child. Encouragement eliminates the misbehavior.

4. Or, separate them before the frustration escalates--treating them the same.

5. Use your sense of humor and playfully wrestle them both to the ground.

I hope one of these ideas helps.

Jane

Toilet Training

Question:

I am a newcomer to Positive Discipline and am thoroughly enjoying the lessons I'm learning each day and week. I am the mother of a 2.5 year old girl and am expecting another baby in May. I am a stay at home mom, and my husband works out of the home, so we're both around all the time. My approach to parenting up to now has been a combination of a Mary Poppins "firm but fair" style and utilizing the same techniques my parents used with me which were consequential in nature – I've been using time outs and a light spank on the bottom in rare cases (which I am now eradicating from my "toolkit"). Whenever I discipline my daughter in any way, I always explain to her what I have deemed as inappropriate and I try to give her examples of more acceptable behaviour in the future. Any act of discipline is always wrapped with how much I love her - always.

About my current challenge – toilet training: I've read your past frequently asked questions, and I feel I have a behavioural versus physical issue to address. I believe it comes down to control. I am hoping that you can help diagnose that this is the case and prescribe some new approaches for helping correct the behaviour. Since she is 2.5 and we have a baby due just one month before she turns 3, I am a little worried about her regressing as well.

Here's a rundown on how we've approached toilet training thus far:

- Bought her a potty when she was 20 months. She was showing interest and was able to listen and manage more than one or two tasks at a time. We introduced her to it and started with having her just sit on the potty when Mommy did, fully clad.

- After a few months we had her sit on the potty without her pull-up or diaper at various times of the day. We'd read and sing while she sat on the potty. Often there was no result which was fine. Then on a few occasions there would be wee-wee. And immediately following there was a "hooray" dance and song as we celebrated her success.

- In the months following her 2nd birthday we realized that she was opting to go in her diaper and was not asking to be changed. She was quite happy staying in a wet (even very wet) diaper. So, we bought big girl panties to hopefully make her more aware of the wetness and encourage her to not like being wet. We'd go through several panty changes a day. In that same time period, I noticed she was not comfortable at all with going poo-poo on the potty, so after lunch, I'd put her in a diaper to make sure she had her daily movement – otherwise, she would constipate herself. I thought – "let's just conquer wee-wee, then we can worry about poo-poo".

- Then when she was 27 months, she started Nursery School 2 mornings a week. We started to regress because for a few mornings a week, she was in pull-ups and was quite happy to go back to her old habits versus requesting a visit to the potty (even after encouragement from her caretakers).

- At this time, to try to encourage her to use the potty, we developed a "Success Chart" and monitored her track record with stickers and 1 gummy bear treat for each successful trip to the potty for wee-wee.

- We started to see some success with the potty chart. So, we thought we'd ramp up the treat for doing poo-poos and we offered a trip to the ice cream shop if she did poops. (I was reticent to using bribery methods, but tried to think of it more as a positive incentive…). Then, out of the blue one day, she ran to the potty and made poo-poos. Boy, did we celebrate and congratulate her. That was the first and last time she did it.

- When she hit 2.5, so did Christmas. And during the week or so with my family here, she really regressed. She didn't make an effort to get to the potty at all. We all chalked it up to it being an overwhelming time, though it was frustrating.

- Now, at the beginning of '08, I feel like we're at the same point we were in the Summer months just following her 2 nd birthday. I really feel little progress has been made. On the rare occasion she requests to go to the potty at nursery school, which is a great step forward, but it's still occasional. We haven't again had a visit to the potty for #2s - and wee-wee accidents are frequent. Sometimes she'll just go wherever she is and then proudly announce that she made wee-wees (mind you, not on the potty). That said, she does make it to the potty once a day usually – and occasionally it can be up to 3 or 4 times in a day.

She is a very clever girl and my husband and I feel she is exercising control here. We believe she is very cognizant of what she's doing and that some of the wee-wees off the potty are intentional or it's simply a display of laziness… she just doesn't feel like going to the potty.

We are continuing to encourage and celebrate success, but we're getting very frustrated that there isn't improvement when we can see that she really does know what she's doing. My husband is beginning to feel like it's time to get firm with her. On a couple of past occasions he's tried to ask her why she didn't go to the potty versus just standing in the den or playroom to do it. She answers with "because I was playing, watching TV or just didn't want to". And on the "don't want to" theme. If we ask her to try to go to the potty, she refuses yelling "nooooooo!" and running away. If we try to make her, the rebellion escalates and we certainly don't want to turn this into a disciplinary seeming initiative for her. Similarly, when she's going to make poo-poo, she'll often say to me: "Do I have a diaper on?" And, I'll say… "yes, but let's go make poo-poo on the potty!" I'll sometimes mention the ice cream incentive as well. But it is often met with the same scream of "noooooo!"

Her nursery school is trying to help parents ramp up potty training so that the children will be fully trained by the time they come back in the Fall of '08 (all three year olds have to be out of diapers). I feel that I've tried every bit of advice found in the literature they've given me and everything I've read so far online. Some people have said, "oh, just wait for summer and keep her naked for a couple of days and then she'll have it down". Problem there is… she loves being naked (we have "naked playtime" every evening before bath where she just gets to streak around) and is quite happy to wee-wee anywhere without giving it a second thought.
Anyway – I feel we've tried lots of things and aren't making much progress.
Any advice is appreciated!

Thank you!

Kind regards,

Jennifer

Answer:

Jennifer, Sorry, but I love it that your email proves everything I teach--that punishment and/or rewards are not effective motivators for long-term effects; that parents make way too big a deal out of potty training (which really means training themselves, not their children); that what worked in the good old days (parental control) does not work with children today (children no longer have models of submission--a good thing); that children will use their personal power one way or another--constructively or destructively--and the more parents try to control, the more children will rebel; that children really want to do what big people do (use the toilet) unless the only way they can gain a sense of power is to rebel against all the control. Kids eventually see through reward charts as just another way for parents to control them. If you read any of the Positive Discipline books, you'll learn that a primary purpose of our philosophy is to teach children self-discipline, self-control, cooperation, responsibility, problem-solving skills, and most important--to feel capable and to feel good when they make a respectful contribution in homes or classrooms. None of this occurs from punishment and rewards (which teach external locus of control) instead of internal locus of control.

By the way, you can expect severe regression when the new baby is born and your daughter experiences "dethronement." I don't have time to go into what these means, but it is normal and helps when parents understand it. Right now it seems to you that you'll have this problem forever, but, no matter how many times you hear it, you have no idea how quickly it passes. If you understood this, you would relax and many problems would disappear just because of your relaxation. You will benefit so much by reading some of the Positive Discipline books and/or listening to the CDs. For now, I'm including an excerpt from Positive Discipline A-Z on potty training. I know you have already done some of these things, but with an attitude of control rather than inviting cooperation. My new theme for success is "Connection before Correction." Listen to free podcast Nos. 49 and 39 and on http://www.positivediscipline.com/

Potty Training from Positive Discipline A-Z by Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott

"I hear so many conflicting ideas about toilet training. What is the positive discipline way?"

Understanding Your Child, Yourself, and the Situation

Toilet training has become an issue that is blown out of proportion in our society. It can be the origin of feelings of guilt and shame, power struggles, revenge cycles, bids for undue attention, and competition between friends to see whose child is potty trained first. If you simply don't worry about it, your children will become toilet trained in due time just because they will soon want to copy what everyone else does. However, if you are still having challenges with children over the age of three and it isn't a medical or sexual abuse problem (see sexual abuse), you may have helped create a potty power struggle.

Suggestions

Wait until after your child is two-and-a-half years old before you even start toilet training--unless he begs to start sooner. If your child trains himself sooner, lucky you. Notice the words "trains himself". When most parents say my child is "potty trained," what they really mean is, "I'm potty trained. I'm trained to remind and nag and to catch him looking like he is ready. I'm trained to hand out the M&Ms and to put stars on his chart every time he pees or poops in the toilet."

When introducing your child to toilet training, get a small potty chair that he can manage by himself. At first let him sit on it for as long or short a period of time he wants without having to do anything. He may enjoy having a stack of books to read by his potty.

During warm weather, take your child and the potty chair out in the back yard. Let him play naked while you sit and read a book or simply watch. As soon as he starts to urinate, put him on the potty chair. Say, "Way to go." You may have to do this often before you child learns the socially appropriate place to urinate and defecate. If you are okay with a little mess, you can do this indoors too.

Lighten up and make toilet training fun. One parent emptied the toilet bowl and painted a target in the bowl. His son could hardly wait to try to hit the bull's eye. Another made potty time a mom and son affair. Both sat on their respective pots reading a book.

When you introduce training pants, do not humiliate or shame your child when he has an accident. Don't put him back in diapers. Simply help him clean up. Say, "It's okay. You can keep trying. You will soon learn to use the potty chair."

Avoid rewards and praise like stars on a chart or candy treats. Instead use encouraging statements, such as the ones above. Rewards can become more important to your child than learning socially appropriate behavior.

If you are engaged in a potty power struggle with a child between the ages of three to four, disengage. Teach your child how to take care of herself (clean up her messes and use the washing machine) and then mind your own business. That may sound harsh, but you'll be surprised how quickly the problems go away when you become unconcerned.

Planning Ahead to Prevent Future Problems

Keep using diapers (without even talking about toilet training) until your child is old enough to talk about it. (You may be surprised by how early they ask to use the toilet like Mommy and Daddy or their friends who don't wear diapers.) You can then work out a plan together that might include pull-ups as a transition stage.

If your child is still not toilet trained by the time she is three years old, be sure to get a doctor's evaluation to see if there is a physical problem. If there is not a physical problem, you may be involved in a power struggle. Guess who will win!

Stop nagging. Allow your child to experience the consequences of his choice with dignity and respect. During a calm time, teach your child to change his own clothes. When the pants get wet or soiled, kindly and firmly take your child to his bedroom to find new clothes. Then lead your child to the bathroom and ask if she would like to change alone or with you there to keep him company. (Do not do it for him.)

If he refuses (which is unlikely if you have truly dropped the power struggle), ask, "How does it feel to have soiled pants? What ideas do you have to solve the problem? Where are the places you can play when you have soiled pants?" (See the next suggestion.)

During a calm time (when your child is dry) brainstorm with her places she can play when she's not in clean pants. Outside or in the bathroom (have some games in a drawer) or a basement might be appropriate. Be sure this is not a humiliating experience, but her choice. "You can change your soiled pants or play in one of the places we agreed on."

Teach your child (age four and older) how to put soap in the washing machine and push the buttons to wash his own clothes.

Find a preschool where the staff is willing to handle toilet training. It can happen quickly when the facility has small toilets that children can use themselves and children have many opportunities to watch each other use the toilet successfully. Many preschools also have frequent toilet routines that help children learn quickly.

Life Skills Children Can Learn

Children can discover that they can learn socially acceptable way to handle normal life processes in due time without guilt and shame. Mistakes are nothing more than opportunities to learn.

Parenting Pointers

Children often feel frustrated and powerless when faced with expectations they don't feel they can live up to. This is often the reason behind their misbehavior. Children may try to prove they have power in useless ways—by refusing to do what you want.

It hurts when parents don't give unconditional love. Children may want to hurt back without realizing that is their hidden motivation. One way to hurt parents is to refuse to do what is important to them.

Take comfort in knowing that your child will probably be toilet trained by the time she goes to college—and even much sooner when power struggles are eliminated. Relax and enjoy your child.

Booster Thoughts

The mother of a two year old told her daughter, "This weekend we're going to work on potty training. Whenever you feel the urge, let me know, and we'll go in the bathroom together and you can sit on the potty instead of going in your diaper." All weekend, she gave her daughter her complete and undivided attention, waiting for signs or signals from her daughter. By Sunday night, her two year old was completely potty trained. Though she had a few mistakes from time to time during the following year, she mostly used her potty chair willingly and on her own.

Temper Tantrums—Intense in Public

Question:

Hi! I am the mother of a 3-year-old girl and a 6-month-old son. My question concerns my daughter. She is bright, curious, outgoing and extremely affectionate. However, since she was younger than one, she has always been prone to extreme tantrums. I have read every single one of your books and apply the ideas consistently. I have a lot of faith and confidence in the Positive Discipline philosophy. I believe it has had a remarkable effect on my daughter. My husband and I are trying to teach her (during moments of calm) how to manage her anger and frustration (deep breathing, going to a "special place" to calm down -with or without Mommy, playing with her toys or stuffed animals). Also, I try very hard not to engage in power struggles, since it seems that most of her outbursts relate to misguided power. (Ex: I leave the room without saying anything if she starts to throw her toys. After she calms down, I ask her to pick them up and she always does.) This approach works phenomenally well at home. She gets over her (minor) tantrums and we move on with the day. The problem is in public!!!!

I can't just "walk away" and disengage when she has a tantrum in public. The thing is, her tantrums in public are the worst tantrums I have ever witnessed or imagined in my life (and I'm a teacher and have taught many different age groups). Obviously, I absolutely can't reason with her or talk to her because she's hitting, kicking, punching my face (which really hurts and is embarrassing), banging things and screaming. When she was younger, I simply carried her to the car and kindly and firmly put her in her car seat and drove home. But now she is about 38 pounds. I'm a small person and yesterday when she had a tantrum in the library and I tried to put her in the car, I physically could not do it. I tried to wait for her to calm down, but she was MANIACAL. Someone offered to help me put the baby in the car, but no one could help me with her! I physically can't handle these maniacal tantrums now that she's heavier and I have a baby to shuttle around. How do I handle this kindly and firmly? She will NOT calm down in front of an
audience, so staying anywhere and waiting for her to calm down is not an option. Please help!!! I dread taking her to the most mundane places because I'm afraid of an outburst.

By the way, the tantrum occurred because the library put a new computer in
the children's section with children's software. Before story time, my daughter saw the computer and wanted to play with it. The librarian said that she would turn it on after storytime. My daughter was very cooperative about that. However, after story time two problems occurred: 1) Other children stormed to the computer and my daughter thought she was allowed to be first, and 2)The librarian could not figure out how to turn it on and said everybody would have to wait until next week. Within 10 seconds, my daughter turned into a completely different human being!!!

Answer:

Robyn, You have my empathy--especially since it sounds like you are doing all the "right" things. You probably read about temperaments in Positive Discipline the First Three Years and Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, so you know about Intensity of Reactions. A quote from the first book follows:

Children often respond to events around them in different ways. Some smile quietly or merely take a look, then go back to what they were doing; others react with action and emotion. Some children wear their hearts on their little sleeves; they giggle and shriek with laughter when happy and throw impressive tantrums when angry.

One of my favorite quotes from a book by Charlie Shedd called, Letters to Karen is:

A person's faults are the price you pay for their virtues. I'm sure that your daughter's extreme intensify of reaction includes many delightful virtues. So, what to do about the "faults?"

1) Some of this you just may have to live through and "try" not to be bothered about what others think. As she gets older, you can teach her more about managing her tantrums.

2) Know that some of her behavior may be influenced by feeling "dethroned" by the birth of a baby brother. Go to www.janenelsen.com and click on the "video of Dr. Nelsen" and watch the top one on "dealing with the belief behind the behavior."
These first two suggestions are just about understanding her.

3) It may help to sincerely validate her feelings. You can listen to a wonderful example by going to www.positivedisicpline.com and scroll down to the left and click on podcast and list to No. 46 on Taming Temper Tantrums. After doing this interview with Aisha, I was attending a birthday party for my one-year-old grandson. A three-year-old really wanted to open his presents. She had a temper tantrum when her mother wouldn't let her. I went over to them and asked the mother, "Can I try something." She gave her permission so I knelt know in front of the little girl having a tantrum and said, "You are really mad that you can't have those presents. You really want those presents." She stopped crying and snuggled into her Mom's lap. It is very important that validating feelings not be done in a mocking manner, but really trying to help the child feel "felt."

Of course, nothing works every time or with every child. However this suggestion goes along with the importance of just letting children have their feelings without trying to fix them or take them away. Just letting children have their feelings helps them learn that they pass and that they can survive disappointment.

4) By the time she is four, it will be very important to get her involved in family meetings and joint problem-solving sessions where she can practice using her problem-solving skills to find solutions to her dilemmas. During a calm time, you can start doing this with her now. Just don't expect the skills to "kick in" until she is four because of brain development.

5) Part of the the above can to use "curiosity questions," to get into her world and help her think for herself instead of "telling" her what to think. It might go something like this (but don't use a script--be in the moment and come from you heart). After she has calmed down, ask her what happened, how she felt about it, what other might be feeling (no lectures here), and what are her ideas to solve the problem? Of course, this doesn't solve the problem at the time of the tantrum, but it can be preventative--the more she learns to think in terms of finding solutions. This is a great way to teach children to use their personal power in constructive ways which decreases their need to misbehave as a mistaken way to use their power.

6) Since she is too big to remove her, use the tool of "deciding what you will do." Let her know in advance. This may be very hard in public, but you may want to let her know that you will just leave the room. (Remember, it is more important to help your child learn that to be concerned about what others think.) It could be that you'll become "the tickle monster" who tickles children who are having a tantrum. It could be that you have a special paper bag that you can put over your head. You could write on it, "I'm having faith in my daughter to learn that she can survive disappointment." I want to repeat, let her know in advance what you are going to do--and even role-play with her during a calm time. Whatever you do, it must be both kind and firm at the same time--never humiliating. (I know you already know this, but others who read it may not.)

7) Ask for a hug. Listen to podcast No.39 for a great story about the power of a hug.

8) As she gets older, you can teach her about positive time out. A good podcast to help you get ready for this is No. 47. (And, of course, it is explained more thoroughly in all of the Positive Discipline books.

These are just a few suggestions. Have you read about Temper Tantrums in Positive Discipline A-Z? That includes many more possibilities. Hopefully, one of these will help.

3 ½-year-old Tantrums

Question:

I just entered the world of Positive Discipline and I love it. I feel like I can be a really great mother-even more than I already am.

I feel challenged with my 3 ½ year old! He is very specific about things. If he gets something in his mind, it must be that way, or he cries, sometimes until he falls asleep (up to an hour of crying)! For example, if I walk off the sidewalk to get somewhere faster, I get a tantrum. If I flush the toilet-not him–tantrum. If I get a spoon for breakfast–tantrum.

 Even more is when he wants me to do something a specific way, like picking up his shoes; he will stand 2 inches from the shoes and cry for me to get them while I’m holding the baby, a bag and we’re standing in the rain! This is so frustrating because I know he can do it. Is it right for me to be strict and expect him to do these things (my way)? How do I get him to want to do it himself? Is this just a phase because I have even looked up OCD online?

Am I right in understanding the only ways to help calm tantrums are Sympathizing, Ignoring and Hugs? Ignoring and sympathizing cause a tantrum to last even longer. Hugs work, but what if I’m driving, do I pull over? And will they work every time? I know you can’t answer that, but what I mean is if you use hugs all the time, does the child catch on and think, “I know what she’s doing and it isn’t going to work this time? Or do they just love the extra love.

Thank you for a new outlook to parenting. I am really excited to be a more loving mom-all the time, not just when we’re laughing. J

Answer:

Dear J,

I’m getting a lot of questions with this theme, so I have to wonder what is going on. Not that it hasn’t always been a theme. I know that my seven children all wanted what they wanted when they wanted it. It just seems to me that the persistence is stronger in children today. I have a hunch that it is because their persistence works.

I keep wondering if parents are just a little too child centered these days. As you know, I believe that children should be treated with dignity and respect, but I think it is easy to go to extremes. For example, I think it is very sad when adults cause children to suffer through punishment, guilt, and shame. On the other hand, I think it is sad when parents don’t “allow” children to suffer.

There is a huge difference. When adults cause children to suffer, they impose punishments or guilt and shame. When they don’t “allow” children to suffer it is because they rescue, over-protect, or fix every problem. This robs children of developing their disappointment muscles. It robs them of learning that they can survive upset and end up learning resiliency and feeling capable. Allowing children to suffer doesn’t mean to be mean. Parents can be very supportive when a child is suffering. They can validate feelings, “I can see this is very hard for you.” They can hold a child on their lap for comfort, without saying a word. They can show faith in the child to handle problems—even when it is difficult. Sometimes showing faith is shown in your energy, not in anything you do.

Now, let’s see how this applies to your question. Here are some suggestions:

Let him have his feelings without thinking you need to rescue him or make him change his feelings. This can be difficult, but it will show in your energy even if you don’t do anything.
Validate his feelings. Try to mirror what he is feeling. “I can see that you are really angry.”

You know how much I like hugs. If he is willing, just give him a hug. The purpose is not to take away his feelings, but to give support as long as he needs it. Listen to a podcast on this theme The Power of a Hug.

Use your sense of humor. “Eeeeeek. I made a huge mistake when I flushed the toilet.”
He may be old enough to create his own positive time out (which is nothing like the naughty chair). You can also create a positive time out plan for yourself and let him know in advance when you will use it.

I am now working on a new theme for Positive Discipline that I think will take it to new levels. That theme is “Connection before Correction.” There is so much research that shows that we can’t really influence children is a positive way until we create a connection with them. Punishment does not create a connection, nor do lectures, nagging, scolding, blaming or shaming. So what does?

Before sharing effective way to create a connection with children, I want to point out that it is a mistake to think that giving children whatever they want is a good way to make a connection. Rescuing, fixing, and over-protecting are not good ways to make a connection. Effective connections are made when both child and adult feel belonging and significance--even though it is the adult who takes the first step.

Some of these steps to connection have already been mentioned in the suggestions above. I’ll repeat them here for this context:

• Listening. Really listening—giving a child your full attention
• Validating feelings.
• Sharing your feelings when appropriate. Remember that children will listen to you AFTER they feel listened to.
• Focusing on solutions WITH children after a cooling off period.
• Taking time for respectful training during calm times.
• Asking curiosity questions to help children explore the consequences of their choices instead of imposing consequences on them.
• Teaching valuable life skills that help children feel capable. Just one example is helping them create their own positive time out space and creating routine charts with them, not for them.
• Having faith in children to handle their own problems. (Offering support through validating feelings or just giving a hug, but not rescuing or fixing.)
• Spending special time with children.
• Hugs.

Now to discuss correction. It is very important to understand that correction the Positive Discipline way is very different from conventional correction. The biggest difference is that conventional correction usually involves punishment (punitive time-out, grounding, and taking away privileges being the most common). In other words, conventional correction consists of adults doing something TO children. Positive Discipline correction consists of the many tools presented in all of the Positive Discipline books that show parents and teachers how to do correction that respectfully involves children whenever possible. It is interesting to note that all of the steps for connection also work for correction. They are things adults do WITH children, not TO or FOR children.

Other methods for correction, to name just a two, are family and class meetings and joint problem-solving. These are very powerful tools that respectfully involve children to learn and use their personal power in contributing ways. As you learn about the many Positive Discipline tools, notice that they are all designed to create a connection before respectful correction.

Son Prefers Cookies

Question:

Hi Jane,

My son has decided that he really likes cookies and prefers them over a lot of other foods. We often serve him his normal, healthy food and tell him that if he finishes it or eats a few more bites, he can have a cookie. The power struggle between us and him is getting more difficult and time consuming. It is frustrating because it is hard to communicate to a child why he should eat food that doesn't taste as good as cookies, I can definitely understand his view!

Brad

Answer:

Hi Brad,

You don't say how old your son is, but in any case I would have the same advice. Stop buying cookies. This reminds me of a true story I tell in Positive Discipline about a woman who told me her daughter didn't want to eat anything but potato chips. I asked her where her daughter got the potato chips and she said, "I buy them because she won't eat anything else." I don't mean to be disrespectful, but, "Duh!"

If you stop buying cookies, your son may have temper tantrums. Kindly validate his feelings of disappointment and don't say anything else. Allow him to have his feelings, but remain firm about not buying cookies. This is one example of the foundation principle of Positive Discipline--to be kind and firm at the same time.

If you get the principle of what I'm saying, it will expand into other situations. For example, put good food on the table and have healthy snacks available in a drawer or in the fridge. Then don't say a word about what he eats. When dinner time is over, clear off the table and throw away or store anything he hasn't eaten. When he complains that he is still hungry, smile and say something like, "I'll bet you are. I love you and I have faith in you. I'm sure you can figure out what to do about that." Then keep your mouth shut. He'll figure out that he can get the healthy snacks, or eat more at the next meal.

I have started emphasizing the importance of "connection before correction." For an excellent example go to the podcast where I interview Marianne McGinnis http://www.positivediscipline.com/podcast/index.html #49 and the supporting article on my blog at http://blog.positivediscipline.com/2007/10/workshop-results.html

I hope this helps.
Jane Nelsen