Aggressive Preschooler

Question:

Apparently for the past "few weeks" my almost 3-year-old (birthday 3/19) has been pushing and shoving his classmates in his preschool. Today the teacher told me that he poked a little girl in the face and made her cry then refused to look at her when the teacher asked him to tell her he was sorry. I don't know why she didn't tell me this when it first started happening, so I'm not sure exactly when it started. The teacher says there is generally no interaction between my son and the victim prior to the pushing/shoving/hitting. He's just spontaneously doing it.

I have never seen any behavior like this out of him and I'm with him all day long (except for the two mornings he goes to school). He has been a passive child since birth, no signs of aggressive tendencies at all. Before he started school this year and even up until Thanksgiving, he wouldn't even hold his own place in line at the playground. He just let kids push him out of the way and go in front of him. I wanted him to become more assertive, but I sure don't want him to become a bully.

Sam is an only child and we are not going to have any other children. What can I do to nip this behavior in the bud and is this a normal phase even for a well-behaved child?

Answer:

It would take a whole book to explain what might be happening and how to deal with it. I will do my best in a relatively short answer, but please know that to get the whole picture you might want to get a copy of "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers."

I don't know for sure why he has become aggressive. Is he watching cartoons or other programs that depict violence? Is he watching other kids do this at preschool? It could be that he is simply at that age-appropriate, developmental stage where he gets frustrated and doesn't know how to "use his words", so he instinctively pokes, hits, or shoves. This does not mean he is becoming a bully. I question that there is no interaction between your son and the other child (whom I refuse to call a victim). The other child may simply have something your son wants. He could be discouraged about something only he knows in his private logic. There is so much that is unknown.

However, the one thing I do know is that punishment in any form will not help. A sure way to engage in victim/bully training is to rescue the child who is being hurt and to punish the child who is doing the hurting. It doesn't make sense to hurt a child while saying (overtly or covertly), "I'll teach you not to hurt others. Adults who do this are teaching, by example, the very thing they say they are trying to extinguish. They are also inviting the child who has been hurt to adopt a victim mentality by deciding, "I know how to get special attention. I'll just innocently provoke someone to hurt me and then I'll be rescued and treated specially.

I'm not advocating anarchy or permissiveness. Adults need to interfere. They just need to do it in ways that teach social skills – eventually. I say eventually, because two and three-year-olds have limited ability to learn social skills, but that doesn't mean we should teach these skills (mostly through example) for the time they are developmentally ready to incorporate the information. (See the information in the subject on "Apologize, Children Who Won't" below.)
At this age children need lots of supervision, distraction, redirection. In the scenario you describe it might look like this: The teacher might pull your son aside and give him a hug. (I know this sounds like rewarding the behavior, but it is not. I won't go into all the information on a misbehaving child being a discouraged child (except when the behavior is age-appropriate), I will just tell you that this is modeling appropriate touching. After your son feels comforted, the teacher could say, The little girl is feeling bad. Lets go give her a hug so she will feel better too. (It doesn't work to get him to make amends before he feels encouraged himself.) Then the teacher could say, "This is how we touch people. Hitting and poking hurt, but hugs or a hand shake feel good." She could then say, "If she has something you want, you can use your words and say, ‘I want that toy.' She may not be ready to give it to her, but you have used your words." Will he understand all this? No. But he doesn't understand punishment or having to apologize either. The former provides a model of positive action. The latter provides a model of negative action.

Regarding the apology, following is an excerpt from our book "Positive Discipline for Childcare Providers" that will be published this fall.

Apologize, Children Who Won't

Child Development Concept

During a lecture at NAEYC in 2000, Bev Bos said, "Telling a child to say ‘I'm sorry' makes as much sense as demanding that a child say ‘I'm Italian'-- even when she isn't.Caregivers who have studied child development know that the intellectual capabilities of young children have not developed to the point where they can think like adults (see Piaget Demonstrations below), yet many adults act as though they should. Forcing a young child to "Say you are sorry" is an excellent example. Suggestions:

1. While upset, children do not have access to rational thinking. Don't expect a child to do or say anything until she has had time to calm down.

2. Allow time for cooling off. This may mean comforting the child for awhile, validating her feelings, removing her from an upsetting situation (while comforting and/or validating feelings), or simply allowing her to spend some time in a Positive Time-Out area until she feels better. Help the child express her own feelings before helping her consider someone else's feelings. Point to the feelings faces chart and let her choose a picture that expresses her feelings if she can't verbalize them without help.

3. Use what and how questions to help the child explore what happened, how she feels about it, and what ideas she has to solve the problem. Part of this process might be to ask, "How do you think the other person feels?" Again, it may be helpful to look at the feelings faces.

4. After the child has calmed down, feels validated for her feelings, and possibly has identified the other person's feelings, she might be guided to apologize – only if it is her idea. This sometimes happens by asking, "What would make you feel better? Would it help you if the other person gave you a hug, or said she was sorry?" Once the child has identified what might make her feel better, you could ask, "Would you be willing to help the other person feel better? What could you do, and when would you like to do it?" Helping a child decide to so something for someone else (and it may not be an apology) is much different that demanding that they do. The point is to help the child think things through in a friendly environment (which invites sincere concern) instead of demanding an apology (which often invites rebellion or just plain confusion).

5. If the child still doesn't feel like doing anything for the other person, express your faith that she will soon learn to care about and help others.

Tips for working with parents:

Parents often demand that their children apologize because they are embarrassed by their behavior. Help parents understand that you are more interested in long-term, sincere results than in short term-insincerity. You also have an opportunity to educate them on intellectual development so they can understand that children don't think like adults. The following demonstration may help.

Piaget Demonstrations

Jean Piaget was one of the pioneers in understanding the cognitive development of children. He devised these demonstrations to help adults understand how children's thinking differs from their own.

• Take two balls of clay that are the same size. Ask a three-year-old if they are the same. Make adjustments by taking clay from one ball and adding it to the other until the child agrees that they are the same size. Then, right in front of her, smash one ball of clay. Then ask her if they are still the same. She will say no and will tell you which one she thinks is bigger. A five-year-old will tell you they are the same and can tell you why.

• Find four glasses: two glasses that are of the same size, one glass that is taller and thinner, and one glass that is shorter and fatter. Fill the two glasses that are the same size with water until a three-year-old agrees they are the same. Then, right in front of her, pour the water from one of these glasses into the short, fat glass, and the other one into the tall, thin glass. Then ask her if they still hold the same amount of water. Again, she will say no and will tell you which glass she thinks contains the most water. A five-year-old will tell you they contain the same amount and can tell you why.

Both of these examples demonstrate thinking abilities identified by Piaget. When we understand that perceiving, interpreting, and comprehending an event are so markedly different for young children, our expectations as adults alter. The meaning children attach to their experiences does not match the meaning adults attach to the same experiences.

Pushing Younger Brother: Does Three-Year-Old Know Better?

Question:

Hello Jane

I have read your books positive discipline and positive discipline for preschoolers - I think it is a great approach.

My three year old son is constantly pushing my 19 month old - how can I use positive discipline to nip the behavior in the bud? Should I use positive time-outs? I think he is old enough to understand what he is doing is wrong but he does not seem to listen when I talk to him about it - I really do not want this behavior to carry over into the classroom - can you help me?

Kristin

Answer:

Hi Kristin,

Thanks for asking. I'm receiving so many emails with a similar theme, so hopefully others will find this helpful.

First I want to explain why your three-year-old doesn't understand that what he is doing wrong. I'm going to explain this in several different ways--first in a very back door way by asking a question.

Would you allow your son to go to the park by himself even though you think he understands that it is wrong to cross a busy street and that he should not play on the equipment on any way that isn't safe? Of course not. If you answer why, you'll know why your son doesn't know it is wrong to push the nineteen-month-old. He hasn't developed enough maturity and judgment to REALLY know right from wrong. His brain has not developed enough for this. Read the Piaget demonstrations in Positive Discipline for Preschoolers again to understand even more about this. I'll repeat it here from another book:

Piaget Excerpt for Positive Discipline for Child Care Providers by Jane Nelsen and Cheryl Erwin

Caregivers who have studied child development know that the intellectual capabilities of young children have not developed to the point where they can think like adults, yet many adults act as though they should. Forcing a young child to “Say you are sorry” is an excellent example. Thinking children understand “no” the way adults think they do, is another example.

The following Piaget demonstrations illustrate this in a way that verbal explanations fail.

Piaget Demonstrations

Jean Piaget was one of the pioneers in understanding the cognitive development of children. He devised these demonstrations to help adults understand how children’s thinking ability differs from their own:

• Take two balls of clay that are the same size. Ask a three-year-old whether they are the same. Make adjustments by taking clay from one ball and adding it to the other until the child agrees that they are the same size. Then, right in front of her, smash one ball of clay. Then ask her whether they are still the same. She will say no and will tell you which one she thinks is bigger. A five-year-old will tell you they are the same and can tell you why.

• Find four glasses: two glasses that are of the same size, one glass that is taller and thinner, and one glass that is shorter and fatter. Fill the two glasses that are the same size with water until a three-year-old agrees they are the same. Then, right in front of her, pour the water from one of these glasses into the short, fat glass and the other one into the tall, thin glass. Then ask her whether they still hold the same amount of water. Again, she will say no and will tell you which glass she thinks contains the most water. A five-year-old will tell you they contain the same amount and can tell you why.

Both of these examples demonstrate thinking abilities identified by Piaget. When we understand that perceiving, interpreting, and comprehending an event are so markedly different for young children, our expectations as adults alter. The meaning children attach to their experiences does not match the meaning adults attach to the same experiences.

The next thing to understand is that it is likely that your son something else is going on when he pushes. It could be that he is frustrated--if not about something that is going on at the time, it could be the fact that he has been dethroned. In either case, when "upset" none of us (even those of us who supposedly have developed maturity and judgment) act rationally. The following article, which is included in several Positive Discipline books, explains "dethronement." (You can also watch a video of my sharing the candle story by going to http://www.janenelsen.com/ and click on videos.)

When a First Born Child is dethroned by a New Baby in the Family

Dealing with the Belief behind the Behavior

by Jane Nelsen

There is a belief behind every behavior, but when confronted with a “misbehaving child” adults usually deal only with the behavior. Dealing with the belief behind the behavior does not mean you don't deal with the behavior. However, you are most effective when you are aware of both the behavior and the belief behind it.

The following is a classic example of the belief behind a behavior. Suppose you have a two to four-year-old child whose mother goes off to the hospital and brings home a brand-new baby. What does the first born child see going on between Mom and the baby? -- Time and attention. What does the older child interpret this to mean? -- Mom loves the baby more than me. What does the first born child do in an attempt to get the love back? – He or she may act like a baby and cry a lot, ask for a bottle, and soil his or her pants.

Wayne Freiden and Marie Hartwell Walker 1[1] have created songs that help adults get into the world of children and understand the beliefs they could be developing based on their birth order. Their songs include seven different birth order positions.

Following is one verse from the song, Number One:
Oh it’s hard to be number one.
And lately it’s just no fun at all.
Life was so nice, when there were three,
Mommy and Daddy and Me.
And now there’s another.
And I don’t like it one bit.
Send it back to the hospital
And let’s just forget about it.

Four-year-old Becky, could identify with this song. She was feeling dethroned by the birth of a baby brother, and was experiencing confusion about her feelings for the baby. Sometimes she loved him, and other times she wished he had never been born because Mom and Dad spend so much time with him. She didn’t know how to get attention for herself, except to act like the baby.

One evening, when the baby was asleep, Becky’s mom sat down at the kitchen table with her daughter and said, "Honey, I would like to tell you a story about our family.” She had found four candles of varying lengths. “These candles represent our family." She picked up one long candle and said, "This is the mommy candle. This one is for me." She lit the candle as she said, "This flame represents my love." She picked up another long candle and said, "This candle is the daddy candle." She used the flame from the mommy candle to light the daddy candle and said, "When I married your daddy, I gave him all my love -- and I still have all my love left." Mom placed the daddy candle in a candle holder. She then picked up a smaller candle and said, "This candle is for you." She lit the smaller candle with the flame from her candle and said, "When you were born, I gave you all my love. And look. Daddy still has all my love and I still have all my love left." Mom put that candle in a candle holder next to the daddy candle. Then she picked up the smallest candle and, while lighting it from the mommy candle, said, "This is a candle for your baby brother. When he was born I gave him all my love. And look -- you still have all my love. Daddy has all my love and I still have all my love left because that is the way love Is. You can give your love to everyone in our family and still have all your love left. Now look at all the light we have in our family with all this love."

Mom then asked Becky if she would like to use her candle to light the other candles, so she could see how she could give all her love away and still have all her love. Becky was excited to try this. Mom snuffed the flame on all the candles except Becky’s, and then helped her pick up each candle and hold it over the flame of her candle until it was lit. Becky’s eyes were shining almost as brightly as the flame of the candles.

Mom gave Becky a hug and said, “Does this help you understand that I love you just as much as I love your baby brother?”

Becky said, Yes, and I can love lots of people just the same.

What happens to us is never as important as the beliefs we create about what happens to us. Our behavior is based on those beliefs, and the behavior and beliefs are directly related to the primary goal of all people -- to feel that we belong and are important.

Mom had learned to deal with the belief behind Becky’s misbehavior. Becky stopped acting like a baby, and was more consistently loving to her baby brother.


Now for what to do:
1. Supervise, supervise, supervise. Just as you can't allow a child to go to the park by himself, don't expect him to control his emotions and his frustrations.

2. Don't scold him and comfort the younger child. (If you do, you are training the younger to become a victim who will soon learn how to get special attention.) Instead, take the pusher on your lap and validate his feelings. "You must be feeling upset, sad, mad, or whatever." It is likely that he will then be willing to help you help the younger child feel better too by having him or her join you on your lab.

3. Another possibility is to just take them both on your lap and ignore the pushing. I know this sounds like rewarding the misbehavior, but not when you understand human behavior and that a misbehaving child is a discouraged child. Encouragement eliminates the misbehavior.

4. Or, separate them before the frustration escalates--treating them the same.

5. Use your sense of humor and playfully wrestle them both to the ground.

I hope one of these ideas helps.

Jane

Temper Tantrums—Intense in Public

Question:

Hi! I am the mother of a 3-year-old girl and a 6-month-old son. My question concerns my daughter. She is bright, curious, outgoing and extremely affectionate. However, since she was younger than one, she has always been prone to extreme tantrums. I have read every single one of your books and apply the ideas consistently. I have a lot of faith and confidence in the Positive Discipline philosophy. I believe it has had a remarkable effect on my daughter. My husband and I are trying to teach her (during moments of calm) how to manage her anger and frustration (deep breathing, going to a "special place" to calm down -with or without Mommy, playing with her toys or stuffed animals). Also, I try very hard not to engage in power struggles, since it seems that most of her outbursts relate to misguided power. (Ex: I leave the room without saying anything if she starts to throw her toys. After she calms down, I ask her to pick them up and she always does.) This approach works phenomenally well at home. She gets over her (minor) tantrums and we move on with the day. The problem is in public!!!!

I can't just "walk away" and disengage when she has a tantrum in public. The thing is, her tantrums in public are the worst tantrums I have ever witnessed or imagined in my life (and I'm a teacher and have taught many different age groups). Obviously, I absolutely can't reason with her or talk to her because she's hitting, kicking, punching my face (which really hurts and is embarrassing), banging things and screaming. When she was younger, I simply carried her to the car and kindly and firmly put her in her car seat and drove home. But now she is about 38 pounds. I'm a small person and yesterday when she had a tantrum in the library and I tried to put her in the car, I physically could not do it. I tried to wait for her to calm down, but she was MANIACAL. Someone offered to help me put the baby in the car, but no one could help me with her! I physically can't handle these maniacal tantrums now that she's heavier and I have a baby to shuttle around. How do I handle this kindly and firmly? She will NOT calm down in front of an
audience, so staying anywhere and waiting for her to calm down is not an option. Please help!!! I dread taking her to the most mundane places because I'm afraid of an outburst.

By the way, the tantrum occurred because the library put a new computer in
the children's section with children's software. Before story time, my daughter saw the computer and wanted to play with it. The librarian said that she would turn it on after storytime. My daughter was very cooperative about that. However, after story time two problems occurred: 1) Other children stormed to the computer and my daughter thought she was allowed to be first, and 2)The librarian could not figure out how to turn it on and said everybody would have to wait until next week. Within 10 seconds, my daughter turned into a completely different human being!!!

Answer:

Robyn, You have my empathy--especially since it sounds like you are doing all the "right" things. You probably read about temperaments in Positive Discipline the First Three Years and Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, so you know about Intensity of Reactions. A quote from the first book follows:

Children often respond to events around them in different ways. Some smile quietly or merely take a look, then go back to what they were doing; others react with action and emotion. Some children wear their hearts on their little sleeves; they giggle and shriek with laughter when happy and throw impressive tantrums when angry.

One of my favorite quotes from a book by Charlie Shedd called, Letters to Karen is:

A person's faults are the price you pay for their virtues. I'm sure that your daughter's extreme intensify of reaction includes many delightful virtues. So, what to do about the "faults?"

1) Some of this you just may have to live through and "try" not to be bothered about what others think. As she gets older, you can teach her more about managing her tantrums.

2) Know that some of her behavior may be influenced by feeling "dethroned" by the birth of a baby brother. Go to www.janenelsen.com and click on the "video of Dr. Nelsen" and watch the top one on "dealing with the belief behind the behavior."
These first two suggestions are just about understanding her.

3) It may help to sincerely validate her feelings. You can listen to a wonderful example by going to www.positivedisicpline.com and scroll down to the left and click on podcast and list to No. 46 on Taming Temper Tantrums. After doing this interview with Aisha, I was attending a birthday party for my one-year-old grandson. A three-year-old really wanted to open his presents. She had a temper tantrum when her mother wouldn't let her. I went over to them and asked the mother, "Can I try something." She gave her permission so I knelt know in front of the little girl having a tantrum and said, "You are really mad that you can't have those presents. You really want those presents." She stopped crying and snuggled into her Mom's lap. It is very important that validating feelings not be done in a mocking manner, but really trying to help the child feel "felt."

Of course, nothing works every time or with every child. However this suggestion goes along with the importance of just letting children have their feelings without trying to fix them or take them away. Just letting children have their feelings helps them learn that they pass and that they can survive disappointment.

4) By the time she is four, it will be very important to get her involved in family meetings and joint problem-solving sessions where she can practice using her problem-solving skills to find solutions to her dilemmas. During a calm time, you can start doing this with her now. Just don't expect the skills to "kick in" until she is four because of brain development.

5) Part of the the above can to use "curiosity questions," to get into her world and help her think for herself instead of "telling" her what to think. It might go something like this (but don't use a script--be in the moment and come from you heart). After she has calmed down, ask her what happened, how she felt about it, what other might be feeling (no lectures here), and what are her ideas to solve the problem? Of course, this doesn't solve the problem at the time of the tantrum, but it can be preventative--the more she learns to think in terms of finding solutions. This is a great way to teach children to use their personal power in constructive ways which decreases their need to misbehave as a mistaken way to use their power.

6) Since she is too big to remove her, use the tool of "deciding what you will do." Let her know in advance. This may be very hard in public, but you may want to let her know that you will just leave the room. (Remember, it is more important to help your child learn that to be concerned about what others think.) It could be that you'll become "the tickle monster" who tickles children who are having a tantrum. It could be that you have a special paper bag that you can put over your head. You could write on it, "I'm having faith in my daughter to learn that she can survive disappointment." I want to repeat, let her know in advance what you are going to do--and even role-play with her during a calm time. Whatever you do, it must be both kind and firm at the same time--never humiliating. (I know you already know this, but others who read it may not.)

7) Ask for a hug. Listen to podcast No.39 for a great story about the power of a hug.

8) As she gets older, you can teach her about positive time out. A good podcast to help you get ready for this is No. 47. (And, of course, it is explained more thoroughly in all of the Positive Discipline books.

These are just a few suggestions. Have you read about Temper Tantrums in Positive Discipline A-Z? That includes many more possibilities. Hopefully, one of these will help.

Workshop Results

Hi Jane,

As far as I am concerned, the workshop is far from over! I've been reading all my books, Understanding Serenity, Positive Discipline for Teenagers, Positive Discipline A to Z, the main Positive Discipline Book.—as well as listening to your CDS. Your philosophy on living and parenting, your principles about living and parenting—your way of living in general—give me more hope than anything else I have ever come across. I am truly inspired, and am already incorporating many of the tools—family meetings, remembering that mistakes are opportunities to learn, asking what and how curiosity questions, looking for solutions instead of blame, sharing encouraging messages (I have faith in you, is my fav.) and always getting the message of love across.

Not only are my boys responding with more love and helpful behavior—I can see how encouraged and inspired they are! I'm not shutting them down anymore. My husband also loves my new attitude.

I used to be so busy and would feel so helpless about "getting my kids to behave." I was the classic controlling, punitive, nagging parent—until I'd feel so mean that I'd run out and get my kids a present. I also used to do everything myself because I could always do it faster and better—now I realize how I was taking away the opportunity for my kids to be involved and to learn valuable lessons about being contributing members of society.

I could go on and on.

I hope to see you again soon! Take care,

Marianne McGinnis

Positive Time-Out—You First

Create a positive time out plan for yourself. It could be a soak in the tub, getting in the shower (where kids can’t follow), going into the bathroom, locking the door, and turning on the stereo, taking a short walk (if your kids are old enough), sitting on the floor in the lotus position and chanting—whatever works for you. Let your kids know your plan and that you will use it when you need to calm down. Be sure they know this is “for” you, not “against” them.

Does this seem like a novel idea—for you to take some time-out instead of sending your children to time-out? We all know that example is the best teacher. Sachiko Jordan, a member of the Southern CA Positive Discipline Mentor group, shares how effective it was for her to use time-out for herself.

When I read “Positive Discipline,” I liked the idea decide what you will do instead of what you make your child do. So, I decided to take a break (time-out) when I am not able to talk to my 3 ½ year-old son, Kazuya, with respect. I talked to my son and told him what I would do next time I got upset instead of sending him to punitive “time out.” I told him that I would go to my office (extra bedroom) to calm myself down and that I would come out when I was ready to talk to him nicely. I also told him while he was waiting for me to calm down, he could play or he could knock on the door when he was ready to talk to me.

The time came! We had a conflict and I was very upset. I told him that I would go upstairs as I promised. He looked at me and said, “NO!” I ignored his comment and briefly said, “See you in few minuets,” and went to my office. I heard him sobbing and I did not feel comfortable. I was anxious about whether or not this would work. Well, 5 minutes later he knocked on my door and said, “Mommy, I am ready to talk to you.” He was not crying anymore. I opened the door and gave him a big hug and said, “I am ready to talk to you too. Thank you for coming to let me know you are ready.” Then, we took turns talking about how we felt at the time of the conflict. We went through this process several times.

One day, Kazuya was not in a good mood and started whining when he was told to get ready to go grocery shopping. We were not in a hurry and I did not want to say anything to him. I gave him a hug and said, “I will take time out.” He did not say anything and did not seem upset. When I got upstairs, I noticed he was just behind me. I thought he would try to get me. I was wrong! He was walking towards to his room. “Mommy, I take time out, too. I play with my race cars.”

When I heard that comment, my time-out was technically over. I had big smile on my face. I wanted to say, “Forget about time-out! Let’s play.” However, I didn’t do it because I knew he was not ready and needed some time to calm down. I knocked on his door after five minutes to see if he was ready to play with me for 10 minutes before we would be ready to go. He was very happy to play with me for 10 minutes and had fun with grocery shopping.

I knew time-out was not really recommended for children under the age of 4-years-old. However, when I read Positive Discipline, I instantly felt that positive time-out would work for my son. I learned the value of modeling positive time-out by going to my time-out instead of sending him to time-out. I spent a lot of time explaining PTO to him and allowed him to knock on my door when he was ready to talk to me. I also decided not to lock myself in the bathroom. I chose a PTO place next to his room where my son knew it would be unlocked all the time. I am very happy that PTO is one of most effective Positive Discipline techniques for my son—to teach him self-control until he is ready to interact lovingly and joyfully!!!

Sachiko’s story so beautifully illustrates several positive discipline concepts.

1) Modeling. Sachiko was able to communicate that positive time out is not a bad thing since she is so willing to do it herself. Children love to follow our lead—much more than being pushed to do what we want.

2) Combining positive discipline tools. Sachiko combined modeling positive time-out with “deciding what you will do.” Sachiko couldn’t make her son give up his temper tantrum, but she could decide to take care of herself until he was ready to interact cooperatively.

3) Being kind and firm at the same time. Sachiko provides an excellent of kind and firm when she hugs her child while remaining firm.

4) Planning in advance, including children when possible, and/or informing children in advance what you plan to do. Sachiko applied these tools when modeling positive time-out, and in her next story.

Sachiko wanted to involve her child in finding solutions to challenges. One challenge they faced was her son’s resistance to leaving the park when it was time. She involved him in a plan to use her cell phone as a timer. He could choose the ring tone that would indicate when it was time to leave. She would give him a 15 minute warning before the ring tone would sound the alarm that it was time to leave. When the alarm rang, he son told his friend it was time to leave.

This illustrates how powerful very simple tools can be. They are powerful because they are respectful and help children use their power to cooperate instead of feeling the need to engage in power struggles.

To hear a discussion of these concepts, and to hear Sachiko share her success stories, go to http://positivediscipline.com/podcast to listen to the podcast.