NEW POSITIVE DISCIPLINE NETWORK

In this blog:

1) NEW PRODUCT: Positive Discipline Tool cards: Special Pre-publication Special
2) NEW POSITIVE DISCIPLINE NETWORK

After several years in the making, they are at the printers.

52 Positive Discipline Tools to Improve your Parenting Skills Three Ways to have fun with the deck (or use your creativity):
Choose one card and practice for a week. In one year you’ll be a perfect parent— or you can start again.

When faced with a challenge, choose a card at random. Chances are that it will be the perfect tool to solve the problem while teaching your child self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation, and problem-solving skills—or you can try another card.

Invite your children to choose a card and let you know if it is the tool that will solve the problem—or keep choosing until they find one that will.

Retail Price: $14.95 Pre-Publication Special: $9.95 (Cards will be available in July)
Available at http://www.empoweringpeople.com/ under products for parents.
Pre-publication special will end August 1, 2009

POSITIVE DISCIPLINE NETWORK

I would like to invite you to join new Positive Discipline Network by going to http://www.positivediscipline.ning.com/ where you will find:

1) Special groups to join such as PD the First Three Years, Positive Discipline for Preschoolers (for Single Parents, Teens, Divorce, Positive Discipline in the Classroom, Therapists and Coaches who use Positive Discipline in their work, etc.)
2) You can start your own Positive Discipline group. Perhaps you would like to find others in your area.
3) Questions and answers on the practical application of Positive Discipline.
4) Discussions such as Media Woes in the PD for Teens Group
5) Book excerpts from the book being written by me and my daughter on "Positive Discipline the Second Generation: Easier Said than Done," in the PD the First Three Years Group (which will eventually move to the PD for Preschoolers group as the "boys" get older).
6) A group for Positive Discipline Parent Educators to share new activities and other ideas (plus info on how to become a PDPE).
7) Announcements of two-day Positive Discipline Training workshops and other Positive Discipline Events
8) Events where PD classes and workshops can be posted
9) Your own profile page where you can post photos and even an RSS feed to your blog if you have one. (Check out Brad Ainge's blog on Single Parenting. You will laugh out loud--or cry with empathy.) Brad is a member of the Single Parents Group.

Become part of a Positive Discipline community dedicated to creating peace in the world though peace in homes and schools.

Class Meetings for Preschoolers

Question:   

At what age can children participate in class meetings? 

Answer: 

I do class meetings every morning with my little preschool group (made up entirely of 3.5 yr olds), and it's really a class meeting/circle time hybrid.  Every morning one of the children is the "meeting leader" and starts off our good morning song (in the two languages of their choice).  Then they check the weather and give a report.  Next we give compliments and appreciations (they are so fabulous at this, gives me goose bumps... we learned this by sharing something we had done ourselves that we felt good about, then noticing things that our friends had done that we 

felt good about and appreciating it).  Then we either play a game based on one of the PD student activities, simplified and made developmentally appropriate (ie., cooperative ball rolling, bugs & wishes, feeling faces, etc.) or we do "doggy problem solving", where our stuffed dogs have a problem that I act out (one that either I have observed or the children bring up to me) and the children help them.  I used to do this with puppets, but this group has such an attachment to these toy dogs, so that's what we use now.  We end with a book, chosen by the meeting leader.  It typically takes about 25 minutes, which can be a long time for some groups in my experience, but this little group has been

 known to draw it out even longer with extra songs and stories and games.  It's fun and exciting, and yes, they do get it!  I love hearing them later make connection after connection, and hearing that they bring these things home to their families, and the practice is adopted at home, too.  Very cool indeed.  I'm currently phasing out my family home daycare and moving in a new professional direction, and I have to say that our cl

ass meetings are one of the things I will miss the most.   

Eryn Rodger, Certified Positive Discipline Associate, Santa Cruz, CA 

Another Answer: 

    I directed an Adlerian private school in Bloomington, IL where we enrolled children from 3 years old-8th grade. Our ‘early learners’ all did regular class meetings. Most did then once weekly, and in the early program they mostly focused on compliments. When there was a problem they needed to discuss, the teachers 

of 3’s and 4’s led the conversation, but as the children grew in their maturity and ability to articulate, they took more leadership around the topics and the solutions.  We typically didn’t begin using an agenda until children were in kindergarten, which for us, was late 4’s through early 6’s depending on the child.

    I began at that school as a kindergarten teacher, and I started in January so the children were already well practiced in class meetings and they trained me. I’ll never forget the feeling of utter equality as I sat on my 5-year-old sized ch

air and participated in the meetings without a real clue how it would work. A student was the leader and just handled the whole thing! I remember looking at the agenda in kindergarten and often the only thing I could read were the names. They would draw pictures of their problem or best guess spell it. Often we would pass the agenda to the person with the problem so they could read what they had written.  It didn’t faze them a bit that they couldn’t spell yet, or barely write for that matter. It was pretty cool.

    I strongly believe that this is the time to start with kids.  When they begin to practice this kind of community at such a young age, problem solving is not a big deal. It’s just part of being in community in a classroom, or family, or life. They get it.  

    Dina Emser, Life Coach and Certified Positive Discipline Associate, Eureka, IL 

Following is an excerpt from Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, Chapter 16 on Class Meetings for Preschoolers, by Jane Nelsen, Cheryl Erwin, and Roslyn Duffy 

      It is class meeting time at the ABC Preschool. As the youngsters settle into a circle, Mr. Scott, the teacher, consults the agenda. “It sounds like we’ve had a problem on the playground with people throwing wood chips at one another. Does anyone have something to say about this problem, or can someone offer a suggestion of how we might solve it?”

      Five-year-old Girard raises his hand. “Whoever throws wood chips could take a cool-off!” Four-year-old Natalie waves her hand, and when called upon, offers, “We could not have wood chips anymore and have grass instead.”

      The teacher looks toward three-year-old Cristina, whose little hand has been patiently held aloft, and calls on her. “Guess what?” Cristina says with a bright smile.

      “What, Cristina?” Mr. Scott asks.

      “I had bananas in my cereal today.”

      “Mmmm, that must have tasted good.” Mr. Scott smiles and thanks Cristina for her comment, then asks for more suggestions about the wood chip problem. Although Cristina clearly is not thinking about wood chips, she is still a valued member of the group.

      When children are old enough to participate actively in group or circle time activities (usually around the age of two and a half ), they are ready for class meetings. Class meetings are a wonderful way to help children learn cooperation, contribution, and problem-solving skills. This class agreed that they wouldn’t throw woodchips anymore—a suggestion that had never worked when teachers pleaded, but was very effective when suggested by a child and agreed upon by the whole class. 

 

When Should Children be Responsible?

In this blog:

• Announcements of new products


• Upcoming events


• Q and A on “When Should Children be Responsible?


• New products

Discipline Positiva is now available in Spanish at http://www.empoweringpeople.com/ While on this website, take time to watch the short video of H. Stephen Glenn talk about “Directing Vs Inviting.” Funny and informative!

Positive Discipline Greeting Cards and Posters can be found at http://montessorigreetingcards.com/cart/ Frida has create some lovely greeting cards and posters around the Positive Discipline them of “Connection before Correction.”

Upcoming Events

Please go to http://www.positivediscipline.org/ and click on “Special Events” to learn about my upcoming lectures in Canada and the San Francisco Bay area—as well as other Positive Discipline presentations. At this website you can also find dates and locations for the two-day workshops for teachers and parent educators.

Q and A

When Should Children be Responsible?

Question:

I just found this sight and I already feel so relieved that you may be able to help. I already read e-mail about 10yr old "forgetful" girl. My question is how responsible can I legitimately expect my 10 yr old step-son to be. I believe he "forgets" to do chores right or brush his teeth etc. because he gets special undivided attention when he is getting in trouble even though it is negative attention. He is a very intelligent boy. His biological mother is rarely in the picture and constantly lets him down never making him feel important and I think he is replacing that much needed good feeling with all negative attention.

We have issues every single day of him "forgetting" to do everything. He refuses to take any responsibility or accountability for his actions. His regular response is..."uh I forgot". We have tried the special time for him, giving him less responsibility, grounding him, taking his things away etc. but you see his biological mother is constantly letting him down every time we are able to build him up even just a little bit. Since I have no control over that how do I get any kind of consistency when there is always a new issue with her?

My biggest concern is I worry that he may be getting disciplined for things he isn't capable of doing at his age. Should he be able to remember to brush his teeth, make his bed when he cleans the room, put a trash bag in the garbage after it is dumped? These problems occur every single day over and over no matter how many times he is told.These issues are frustrating me so much that I am not being the mother I am capable of being to any of my kids because I am always upset or dealing with this issue. P.S. just to prove I think it is all on purpose he is on the citizenship honor roll at school for his exceptional RESPONSIBILITY! I try not to get upset but it’s been going on for so long............thank you for your attention to this matter

Sincerely; Frustrated step-mom

Answer:

Dear Frustrated step-mom,

I appreciate how hard you are trying and that you want so much to be a good mom and step-mom. Much of what you describe is so normal for children of all ages. Later I’ll share some special considerations for step-children.

First let’s discuss what it means to be responsible. Does it mean that children should do what their parents want, how they want it, and when they want it—even if it is very low (or not even on) their priority list? How responsible are you regarding things you don’t care about?
I’m sure there are some things you don’t like to do, but still care about—such as a clean house. But adults often expect children to be “responsible” in areas they don’t like and don’t care about.
I’m not saying your step-son should not have to do things such as brush his teeth, clean his room, and take out the garbage, but you will save yourself a lot of frustration if you stop expecting him to be “responsible” in these areas.

Following are some suggestions that might be more effective:

1. Accept that you might need to remind him and do it cheerfully. (Beats reminding with frustration.)
2. Give a small choice. “Would you like to do this now or after dinner?”
3. Have him create a routine chart that works for him. Let him make a list of all the things he needs to do and the times he will do them. Let him draw pictures or create symbols after each task. Then let the routine chart be the boss. If you find the need to say anything it can be to simply say, “What is next on your routine chart?”
4. Have regular family meetings where you discuss solutions to problems—over and over. Let the kids keep coming up with ideas that focus on solutions. When a solution doesn’t work, do it again.
5. Ask for help (for what is important to you) and appreciate it. “I would really appreciate it if you empty the garbage now.” They say thank you. (Isn’t that easier than being continually frustrated because he isn’t “responsible” for things that are important to you.)
   All of these suggestions provide a small sense of power to children. This is very important for step-children. A friend shared the following perspective that may help you get into your step son’s world.

“. . . I was reliving all my feelings of having been a kid from a divorced family and being put in situations with new step parents or long time relationships. I didn't matter how much I liked my parent's new partners--I also hated them and the fact that my world changed in unexpected ways----It wasn't fair----Who did this "other" person think they were to come in and start making changes (or as I "saw" it, run the show, try to "be" my mom or dad--when they weren't etc.) As the kid it was hard and painful to be in conflict over liking someone and hating the situation. I remember also the challenges my parents faced having to be in the middle of a new spouse and their kids.

Another thing I remember is that it was unfair on another level. My parents got what they wanted--better partnerships, more happiness, being true to their needs and desires---while us kids got a broken family, felt torn between our parents, new people influencing our parents and how things were done, and less of our parents time and attention because now they had a whole new relationship to nurture and one that was a lot of fun (and hard work, of course).
I write this with a little trepidation---that this may be hard or trigger people who are divorced or in similar situations---but

I think it's important to have some idea about the PERCEPTION of the kid’s point of view....
and that I think I would have been so grateful if my parents thought about this stuff as carefully as you have---and if they did, if I would have KNOWN it!”

I hope these ideas are helpful,
Best wishes,
Jane Nelsen

Different Parenting Styles

Question:

Do you have any information that addresses the issue of differing parent styles in the home. ie one parent wants to use the positive parent style but the other wants to use rewards and punishments to control? What can the positive discipline parent do to when dealing with the issues that result from an "anti positive discipline" parenting style?

Thank you

Answer:

Since so many people ask this question, I wrote the following:

OPPOSITES ATTRACT: WHEN ONE PARENT IS KIND AND THE OTHER IS FIRM.

It is interesting to note that two people with these opposing philosophies often get married. One has a tendency to be just a little too lenient. The other has a tendency to be just a little too strict. Then the lenient parent thinks he or she needs to be just a little more lenient to make up for the mean old strict parent. The strict parent thinks he or she needs to be just a little more strict to make up for the wishy washy lenient parent—so they get further and further apart and fight about who is right and who is wrong. In truth they are both being ineffective.

One way to help children and parents learn effective communication is to have regular family meetings where they have an pportunity, on a weekly basis, to brainstorm for solutions to problems and to choose the solutions that are respectful to everyone. Focusing on solutions is one of the best ways for “opposites” to get closer together and be supportive of each other and their children, and is discussed in more detail in chapter six of Positive Discipline..

Class Meetings—So Many Benefits

I feel passionately about the value of class meetings in schools and family meetings in homes to teach children many valuable social and life skills for good character. They learn to listen to each other and to value differences. They learn to help each other by focusing on solutions to problems that are respectful to all concerned. They learn that they can be accountable for their mistakes because they won’t experience blame or shame. Instead they will get help from their fellow students during the brainstorming process for solutions. They can then choose the solutions they think will be most helpful.

However, class meetings aren’t about perfection. They don’t provide magic pills that solve all problems immediately. Learning the skills for effective class meetings takes time just as reading, writing, and arithmetic take time—and when practiced skills improve and deepen.

The following Q and A provides an example of the joys and frustrations that can be experienced when first implementing class meetings.

Class Meetings Working Except for One Child

Question:

We implemented the class meeting format in November and the kids love it. They are coming up with real strategies that are helping one another. I have a lot of confidence and am happy with the results with most of the children except for one. A young girl age 6, grade 2, youngest child. She has difficultly dealing with other children and often displays a goal of Misguided Power or Revenge. She is often violent with the other children. I have started sharing special time with her, and giving her purposeful jobs that allow her to play a positive helper role with the other kids.

I myself however am still confused. You talk about firmness. When she acts out violently I let her know that the behavior is unacceptable and ask if she needs some time to cool off. She is often able to apologize after and can see that her behavior was inappropriate. I feel that the violence is not getting better. The kids are all asking why she is not being held accountable for her actions. We discuss it at class meetings and the other kids identify her behavior as attention seeking and often offer to work with her or ask for her help but it doesn’t seem to be working. I am lost in my follow through here. Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you so much

Raegan

Answer:

Hi Reagan,

In my experience, there is always one child in every classroom who decides to be the challenging student. If that child should happen to move, it seems that another child is happy to take that role.

I remember sitting in one classroom where "Phillip" was discussed in 3 of the 4 items on the agenda. I asked Phillip if he felt the kids were helping him or ganging up on him. He grinned and said they were helping him. Later I asked the teacher if he saw any improvement in Phillip. He admitted, "Not much, but a huge improvement in the other children. They used to see Phillip ask the scapegoat and blame him for everything. Now they really try to help him. Phillip gives them lots of opportunities to practice their skills.

Keep doing the wonderful things you are doing and focus on improvement instead of expecting perfection.

I would love to hear some examples of other problems that children have solved.

Jane Nelsen

Disciplina Positiva

Disciplina Positiva, the Spanish translation of the 2006 edition of Positive Discipline is now available at http://www.empoweringpeople.com/ Stay tuned for an announcement of the audio book now being edited.

While visiting http://www.empoweringpeople.com/ take a few minutes to watch the video clip of H. Stephen Glenn. Steve is so funny and entertaining as he provides valuable parenting information for Developing Capable Young People.

I was very pleased to find such an excellent review of Positive Time Out and 50 Ways to Avoid Power Struggles in Homes and Classrooms at

http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/positive-time-out-and-over-50-ways-avoid-power-struggles-home-and-classroom

This is a favorite book of many who appreciate how short it is while providing so many Positive Discipline parenting and teaching tools.

Dawdler

Question

I have 5 children, 9, 7, 5, 2, and 6 months. My oldest son is 7. It seems that of all of my children, he is the one I have the most trouble with now. For example, I send him to get ready for bed and he just dawdles around in his room. And if I don't remind him over and over again what he is was sent to do, he just dawdles around for a never-ending amount of time it seems. This seems to be the case for most any task that I give him to do. If he is sent on an errand, he quickly forgets what it was he was supposed to be doing and never returns. Is this normal age appropriate behavior? Should I not let it bother me so much? Heidi

Answer:

Dear Heidi, This is normal behavior for many children (they are all different—as you know) AND there are parenting tools you could use that might help. 1) Try creating a routine chart with him? This means that you sit down with him and take dictation while he lists all the things he needs to do at bedtime. If he forgets something, you can chime in. Have him rank order his list. Then take digital pictures of him doing each task and paste them on his "routine chart" (or ask if he would rather draw pictures or symbols after each task). Then let him post his chart where he can see it. Do not add stickers or rewards which take away from the inner reward of feeling capable. 2) One other tool I'll mention is the use of family meetings where he can get help from everyone in the family who can brainstorm solutions--and then he can choose the solution he thinks would work best for him. Of course there are many, many more ideas in the Positive Discipline books. I think you will enjoy watching the video of H. Stephen Glenn on the home page of http://www.empoweringpeople.com/ and listening to some of the free podcasts at http://www.positivediscipline.com/ for more ideas. I wish you the best.

Jane Nelsen

Positive Discipline in the National News

Emerson School in Portland, OR is a Positive Discipline demonstration school—meaning it has completed training and other requirements listed under “Demonstrations Schools” at www.positivediscipline.org Recently Emerson School received national news coverage:
http://www.kptv.com/video/18596342/index.html

Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way with Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen

We have a few spaces left in the two-day workshop in Sacramento, CA February 7-8. It is now rare for Lynn and I to facilitate this workshop together. The occasion is that we will be video taping the whole workshop so participants will be signing a release form. For more information go to www.pdsuccess.com/jane

The Positive Discipline Associate sponsors many two-day workshops on Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way and Positive Discipline in the Classroom facilitated by Certified Positive Discipline Associates. Dates and locations can be found at www.positivediscipline.org

Q and As

Smelly Teenager

Question:

What I can I do about my "almost 13" year old daughter who doesn't shower or wash her clothes often enough? She is interested in making sure her hair looks nice, wearing a little eye make up and wearing clothes that she likes. So she's very conscious about her appearance. But she often has body odor that is strong enough to smell when I'm 5 feet away. She showers approximately three times a week.

I've mentioned that I can smell her. I've told her that I think it's sometimes her clothes that smell because she is wearing them several times without washing them. (because a few times I've smelled the odor soon after she has showered.) She does her own laundry and has enough clothes to not wear the same ones again and again.

She acts embarrassed anytime I bring up the subject of her smell and has asked me not to mention it to her again. I have gone over a month without mentioning it several times. I don't feel like I'm nagging her about this, but I'm getting impatient having to smell her so often.
I spend special time with her once or twice a week, but a few times it has been difficult to endure the smell of body odor the entire time.

Annoyed Mom

Answer:

Dear Annoyed Mom,

There is much more going on here than meets the nose. Your daughter is going through an individuation spurt. In plain English this means she is subconsciously testing her relationship with you to find out who she is separate from you. This means that smelly bad is a small price to pay for the sense that she can use her personal power instead of bowing to yours.
Does it help to know that this won’t last forever? I predict that in a year or two you’ll be complaining about how much water she uses in her long showers.

Meanwhile, what to do? I suggest you “decide what you will do, rather that what you are trying to make your daughter do.” This might look like leaving the room when you can’t take the smell. It is important to let her know in advance what you are going to do—and then follow through

KINDLY and firmly.

“Honey, I have faith it you to solve the problem of your body order when it is important to you. Meanwhile, I’ll solve my own problem of dealing with the smell by leaving the room when I have problems with the odor. I want you to know that I’m not leaving you, just the odor. I won’t make fun of you or criticize you. I’ll just take care of myself.” Then when you do leave, do not make a big deal of it. Leaving quietly will have a greater impact than showing any kind of judgment.
Do have faith in your daughter. You have given her a good model of cleanliness. Let her do her testing in an atmosphere of unconditional love. Eventually she’ll get the message from a peer—and watch how quickly she will change.

Hold your breath and give her lots of hugs,

With encouragement,

Jane Nelsen