Put Kids In The Same Boat

If you can’t stand to stay out of your children’s fights, and decide to become involved, the most effective way is to put your children in the same boat. Do not take sides or try to decide who is at fault. Chances are you wouldn’t be right, because you never see everything that goes on. Right is always a matter of opinion. What seems right to you will surely seem unfair from at least one child’s point of view. If you feel you must get involved to stop fights, don’t become judge, jury, and executioner. Instead, put them in the same boat and treat them the same. Instead of focusing on one child as the instigator, say something like, “Kids, which one of you would like to put this problem on the agenda,” or, “Kids, do you need to go to your feel good places for a while, or can you find a solution now?” or, “Kids, do you want to go to separate rooms until you can find a solution, or to the same room.”

Mrs. Hamilton noticed two year old Marilyn hitting eight month old Sally. Mrs. Hamilton felt that Sally had not done anything to provoke Marilyn, but she still put them both in the same boat. First she picked baby Sally up, put her in her crib, and said, "We’ll come get you when you are ready to stop fighting." Then she took Marilyn to her room and said, "Come let me know when you are ready to stop fighting, and we’ll go get the baby."

At first glance this may look ridiculous. Why put the baby in her crib for fighting when she was just sitting there, innocently, and doesn’t understand Mom’s admonition anyway? Many people guess that the purpose of treating them both the same is for the benefit of the older child to avoid feeling always at fault. Treating them the same benefits both children. When you take the side of the child you think is the victim, you are training that child to adopt a victim mentality. When you always bully the child you think started it, you are training that child to adopt a bully mentality.

We can’t know for sure if Sally provoked Marilyn (innocently or purposefully). If she did, reprimanding Marilyn would not only be unfair, but it would teach Sally a good way to get Mother on her side. This is good victim training. If she did not provoke Marilyn, reprimanding Marilyn (because she is the oldest) would teach Sally the possibility of getting special attention by provoking Marilyn. Marilyn might then adopt the mistaken belief that she is most significant as the bad child.

Still, people object that it doesn’t make sense to put a baby, who did nothing wrong, in her crib. Okay, okay. I’ll give you another alternative, but first I want to explain again. The point is not who did what. The point is that you treat both children the same so one doesn’t learn victim mentality and the other doesn’t learn bully mentality. Surely, the baby won’t be traumatized by being put into her crib for few seconds. Another way to put children in the same boat is to give them both the same choice. "Would you both like to sit on my lap until you are ready to stop fighting?" Do or say whatever is comfortable for you—so long as they are treated the same.

I can still hear objections. But, what if the older child really did hit the younger child for no reason? Shouldn’t the older child be punished? Shouldn’t the younger child be comforted?

Since you have read this far, you know that punishment is not an alternative. It is such a ridiculous example to give to children: "I’ll hurt you to teach you not to hurt others."

I suggest you comfort the oldest child first, and then invite her to help you comfort the youngest. Again this is not rewarding the oldest child for starting it. It is recognizing that, for some reason, the oldest child is feeling discouraged. Maybe she is feeling dethroned by the youngest. Maybe she believes you love the youngest more. The reason isn’t important right now. (Dealing with the belief behind the behavior is.) It is important to know that she feels discouraged and needs encouragement.

Encouragement might look like this: "Honey, I can see that you are upset." (Validating feelings is very encouraging.) "Would a hug help?" (Hugs.) Can you imagine her surprise to receive love and understanding instead of punishment and distain? After she feels better you might say, "Would you be willing to help your little sister feel better? Do you want to give her a hug first, or do you want me to?" Can you see that these gestures encourage loving, peaceful actions?

Suppose the older child is too upset to give you a hug, or to want to hug the baby. Still, make the gesture. Then say, "I can see you aren’t ready yet. I’m going to comfort your sister. When you are ready, you can come help me." The baby is not going to suffer that much more while you take a few minutes to comfort the oldest—and you will avoid victim training that could invite the baby to decide, "The way to be special around here is to provoke my older sister."

If you are hearing these methods with you heart, you will get the idea. Put yourself in the shoes of your children. What would help you the most and teach you the most? And, don’t forget to use your sense of humor.

One father would stick his thumb in front of his fighting children and say, "I’m a reporter for CBC. Who would like to be the first to speak into my microphone and give me your version of what is happening here?" Sometimes his children would just laugh, and sometimes they would each take a turn telling their version. When they told their versions of the fight, the father would turn to an imaginary audience and say, "Well folks. You heard it here first. Tune in tomorrow to see how these brilliant children solve this problem." If the problem wasn’t diffused by then, the father would say, "Are you going to put the problem on the family meeting agenda so the whole family can help with suggestions, or can I meet you here tomorrow—same time, same station—for a report to our audience."

When adults refuse to get involved in children’s fights or put the children in the same boat by treating them the same for fighting, the biggest motive for fighting is eliminated.

Teach Children What to Do

Question:

My son doesn’t walk anywhere—he gallops. He chases the birds at the beach, leaps into the wading pool for his swim lesson, and this morning I found him trying to saddle the dog with a blanket because he wanted to ride him. I had to explain that dogs are not strong enough to carry people on their backs. He gave up the riding plan, but I know he will come up with something else any moment. He seems so fearless, and I worry that he will get hurt. I’m worn out trying to keep track of him. Should I allow him to do these things?

Answer:

You sound exhausted by the effort of supervising and guiding your active young child! Never fear; most parents have had moments when they wondered why three‐year‐olds have so much more energy and creativity than their parents. Think for just a moment, though: your son is demonstrating a number of wonderful qualities. He is courageous and not afraid to try new things. He is able to connect ideas and actions, and he hurtles through life with excitement and curiosity. The same traits that exhaust you today may be just the traits that will make him a successful, capable adult later on.

Erik Erikson, a pioneer in understanding human development, tells us that from about the ages of two to six, children experience a crucial stage in their development that he called “initiative versus guilt” (Erik H. Erikson, Childhood and Society, Norton, 1963). Children need this initiative—those who are not able to nurture and develop the sense of initiative that the youngster described above is so ably demonstrating can turn into adults who struggle with life’s challenges, who have a lingering sense of guilt, and who may believe that nothing they do is good enough.

When we say that a child needs a healthy sense of initiative, we do not mean that he should be allowed to carry out every idea that pops into his head. We do mean that he needs secure boundaries and limits within which he can explore, experiment, and learn to develop his belief in his own competence and capability. Creating a balance between safety (and appropriate behavior) and creativity and courage is the essence of parenting three‐to six‐year‐olds. Parents can create this balance and avoid instilling a sense of guilt by enforcing boundaries with kindness and firmness rather than humiliation or punishment. It is kind and firm to say, “Climbing on the bookcase is dangerous. Where is it safe for you to climb?” It is humiliating to say, “I can’t believe you would be so careless. Don’t you know you could hurt yourself?”

These are the years when parents are apt to hear a great deal of the phrase “I can do it!” Your children are trying to let you know that they are more capable than you think they are. Children in the early preschool years want to try everything: they want to push the vacuum, wash the dishes, and dig holes in the garden. All too often, parents stifle their would‐be helpers by telling them, “No, you’re too little. Wait until you’re bigger. It is easier and faster for me to do it.” It usually is easier (and less messy) for adults to do these tasks, but denying a child the opportunity to learn and practice new skills may plant the seeds of guilt instead of initiative. And years later, those same adults may find themselves wondering why their child “just won’t do anything!” The drive to develop initiative versus guilt and shame continues throughout the preschool years. Again, we are talking about a sense of initiative— not actual ability. Parents, preschool teachers, and caregivers who understand this important developmental stage can create an environment that enhances initiative instead of guilt, discouragement, or manipulation.

NATURAL CONSEQUENCES

A natural consequence is anything that happens naturally, with no adult interference. When you stand in the rain, you get wet. When you don’t eat, you get hungry. When you forget your coat, you get cold. No piggy backing allowed. Adults piggy back when they lecture, scold, say, "I told you so," or do anything that adds more blame, shame, or pain than the child might experience naturally from the experience.

Children usually feel bad or guilty when they make a mistake. Piggy backing lessens the learning that can occur from experiencing a natural consequence because the child stops processing the experience and focuses on absorbing or defending against the blame, shame, and pain. Instead of piggy backing, show empathy and understanding for what the child is experiencing: "I’ll bet it was hard to go hungry (get wet, get that bad grade, lose your bicycle)." When it seems appropriate, you could add, "I love you and have faith in you to handle this." It can be difficult for parents to be supportive without rescuing or overprotecting, but it is one of the most encouraging things you can do to help your children develop a sense of capability. Let’s look at an example of how natural consequences work.

Billy, a first grader, forgot his lunch every day. Mother would interrupt her busy schedule to drive to school with his lunch. After learning about natural consequences, she decided that Billy might learn to remember his lunch if he experienced the natural consequence of forgetting. She first discussed this with Billy, letting him know she was confident that he could be responsible for remembering his lunch. She also told him she would no longer bring his lunch to school if he forgot it. It is very important and respectful to discuss, in advance, when you plan to change your behavior.

Her intentions were sabotaged for a while because Billy’s teacher took over and loaned him money for lunch when he forgot. It was not until Mother and Billy’s teacher got together on a plan to allow Billy to learn from the natural consequences of his choices that his behavior changed.

Billy tested the plan. The next time he forgot his lunch, he asked his teacher if he could borrow some lunch money. She said, "I’m sorry, Billy, but we agreed that you could handle your lunch problem by yourself." Billy then phoned his mother and demanded that she bring his lunch. Mom also kindly but firmly reminded him that he could handle the problem. Billy pouted for a while, even though one of his friends gave him half a sandwich.

After that, Billy seldom forgot his lunch. When he did forget it, he managed to find someone who would share some food with him. By the time Billy reached the second grade, he added the responsibility of making his own lunch, as well as remembering to take it.

Many adults don’t have much tolerance for the whining, pouting and disappointment. Billy’s mother did not find it easy to listen to her child be demanding, and it was difficult for her to allow him to experience being upset. She noticed some guilty feelings because he was hungry, but reminded herself that forgetting his lunch was really just a small mistake, one of many Billy would make in his lifetime. If she did not follow through on her plan, he would not be learning the life skill of getting a little more organized in the morning, and the good feelings of handling a problem himself. Instead he would be learning that whenever things didn’t work out for him, he could whine or complain and get someone else to take care of his problems. Looking at it that way, Mother was able to stay calmer.

Even though natural consequences often help children learn responsibility, there are times when natural consequences are not practical:

1. When a child is in danger. Adults cannot allow a child to experience the natural consequences of playing in the street, for example.

2. When natural consequences interfere with the rights of others. Adults cannot allow the natural con- sequences of allowing a child to throw rocks at another person, for example. This is one reason why supervision is especially important with children under the age of four. The only way you can prevent potential dangerous situations for children this age is to supervise so you can rush in and prevent a dangerous occurrence.

3. When the results of children’s behavior do not seem like a problem to them and the natural consequences will adversely affect their health and well being. For example, it does not seem like a problem to some children if they don’t take a bath, don’t brush their teeth, don’t do their homework, or eat tons of junk food.

Agreements - A Positive Discipline Tool Card

Why don’t children keep their agreements? Could it be that sometimes parents say, “This is what we are going to do? Do you agree?” When the question is asked in an authoritarian manner that doesn’t leave room for argument, children often shrug in agreement, which really means, “Sure, I’ll agree to get you off my back, but I don’t really agree.”

Involvement=cooperation.

Children will usually keep their agreements when they have been respectfully involved in creating the agreements, which requires several steps. The reason for the word “usually” will be discussed later.

1. Sit down together during a calm time (not at the time of conflict) and have a respectful discussion about the issue that requires an agreement. It is important to wait until everyone has calmed down before a rational discussion can be achieved.

2. During the discussion time, be sure that everyone has an opportunity to share his or her thoughts and feelings about the issue. Interruptions are not allowed when someone is sharing. Some families use a three minute sand flow timer. The person who is sharing can have the whole three minutes, or can stop before his or her time is up by saying so. The person or people listening are not allowed to defend, explain, or give their opinion until it is their turn.

3. Brainstorming comes only after everyone has had a chance to share. Make brainstorming fun where any suggestion is written down—no matter how wild or crazy. Do not give opinions about brainstorm ideas. This is not the time for discussion. Just get lots of ideas written down on paper. It is a good idea to focus on solutions.

4. During agreement time, it is okay to discuss the pros and cons of each brainstormed idea. You might start by asking:

• Is there anything that should be eliminated because it is not practical? (Perhaps you can’t afford it, or you don’t have other resources available to accomplish the idea.)
• Is there anything that should be eliminated because it is disrespectful to anyone involved?
• Is there anything that should be eliminated because it wouldn’t really solve the problem?

5. Hopefully there will be some suggestions left. Choose one that everyone can agree to.

6. If appropriate, choose an exact time for completion of the agreement. For example, if your daughter agreed to mow the lawn, negotiate for a time that works for both of you.

7. When an agreement isn’t kept, respectfully ask, “What was our agreement?” Read on to discover why this may be necessary.

The reason children “usually” keep their agreements when they have been respectfully involved. Children are children. Even when they really do intend to keep their agreements, they don’t have the same priorities as adults. They may intend to mow the lawn, but since it is not high on their priority list, it may be “forgotten.” How often do you get to the items you should do, but that are not high on your list of priorities? Since having the lawn mowed is high on your priority list, and since you have respectfully involved your child in creating an agreement, which included a specific deadline; it is okay to respectfully ask your child, “What was our agreement?”

If these steps don’t promote successful agreement, start again from the top. During step two you may discover the reasons—and you will be giving everyone an opportunity to keep learning from mistakes.

Click Here for Positive Discipline Tool Cards

Follow Through With Children

A Positive Discipline Tool Card

Julie complained that her four-year-old son, Chad, is very responsive and cooperative with his father about going to bed, but when she puts him to bed and tries to leave, Chad yells for her to come back and wants her to lay down with him. Every time she tries to leave, he cries for her to come back. Julie feels exhausted and resentful that she can’t have the evening to herself or enjoy time with her husband. She wonders why she can't get the same cooperation from Chad as Dad does.

Why is it that children behave one way with one parent and differently with another? Because, parents behave differently and children quickly learn what “works” with one parent and not the other.  They learn which parent they can manipulate and which one they can’t. So, what is the difference between what these parents do when they both want to use Positive Discipline? (Children who “cooperate” out of fear of punishment are not being cooperative, they are being compliant.)

Follow Through

Parents sometimes believe that giving children what they want and not burdening them with rules will show them that they are loved. We want to stress that permissiveness is not the way to help children develop initiative—or any other valuable social or life skill. If you say it, mean it, and if you mean it, follow through.

Children know when you mean what you say and when you don’t. It is really that simple.  Say it; mean it; and follow-through.

Parents who say what they mean and mean what they say do not have to use a lot of words. In fact, the fewer words used, the better. When you use a lot of words you are lecturing and children tune out lectures.

One reason you may use a lot of words is that you are trying to convince yourself, as well as your child, that what you want is okay. If what you are asking is reasonable, have confidence in your request.

Some parents lack confidence because they feel guilty. They are afraid their poor little darling will suffer trauma for the rest of his life if his every desire is not met. Children will suffer much more throughout their lives if they develop the belief that love means others should take care of them and give them whatever they want. They will suffer when they don’t learn they can survive disappointments in life—and discover how capable they are in the process.

Christine shares what happened when she learned to mean what she said and to follow-through.

“Not too long ago, my daughter knew she could get away with very little with her father. She went to bed for him like a Saint. When it came to me, she knew she could push me to the ends of the earth, and get whatever she wanted, even if the whole experience was negative. We spent hours, at night with her making requests such as, rub my back, put cream on my leg, fix my blankets—all just part of a power trip she was taking me on. I felt guilty and so I continued the long and drawn-out bed times that left me exhausted and unable to finish my nightly duties.

Since reading the Positive Discipline books, I learned that much of her self-worth comes from doing things for herself, and feeling accomplished.  That opened my eyes. I cut out all the special services knowing she can do things herself, and it was my job to encourage her to do so.

We follow the same bedtime routine every night. I read her a book and then I remind her that she is a big girl and she can put herself to sleep. If she gets out of the bed, without saying a word, I walk her back to her bed. If it happens more than once, I remind her that I will no longer put her blankets back on nor will I refill her water. She knows I mean what I say. After two nights of doing this, bedtime has changed all the way around. I am so thankful for what I learned in Positive Discipline. What was once a dreaded time, is now a nice, quiet time to wind down from the day.”

Limit Screen Time

A Positive Discipline Tool Card

Would it surprise you to know that two to five-year-olds watch more than 32 hours of TV a week? Six to eleven-year-olds spend more hours in school, so they watch a little less TV—about 28 hour a week. (Nielsen)

What does this mean? Is it good or bad? The debate goes on.

Of course children are learning some skills their parents never had, but they are also missing out on some skills that could be very important to them—such as personal relationship skills, delayed gratification skills, and planning for solutions that may take more than 3 minutes or even three days to accomplish.

Then there is brain research that demonstrates how the brain develops differently with excessive screen time. You can learn more about this by reading any of the many books being published on this subject. You might want to do your own research on this topic.

My guess is that you know from your own wisdom and intuition that your children may be watching too much TV, but you aren’t sure what to do about it. Or, do you avoid doing something about it for any of the following reasons:

1. You don’t like to admit that it is nice to have your children so easily entertained so you can have some time to yourself.
2. It involves such a power struggle to get the kids to stop watching TV or playing video games and get them to do something else. It is easier to just let it go.
3. You don’t realize that screen-time is addictive.
4. You tell yourself all the benefits of TV watching and video game playing—“Look at all the skills my child is learning.”

There was a program on Oprah where families where challenged to give up many things for a week, including TV. It was interesting to watch how difficult it was for parents, as well as their children, to give up TV. One scene was particularly difficult to watch. A five-year-old boy could hardly stand it to give up playing video games. His temper tantrums were quite dramatic. His mother shared that she was embarrassed when she realized he had been playing video games for five-hours a day and was seriously addicted. The good news was that after the whole family went through “withdrawal” symptoms, they learned to replace all the screen time with family activities that increased their family closeness and enjoyment.

If you are convinced that it would be a good idea to limit screen time, how do you start?

1. Have a family meeting.
2. Start with compliments—each member of the family sharing what they appreciate about every other member of the family.
3. Using very few words, admit that you have made a mistake in allowing so much screen time.
4. Allow all family members a chance to share their thoughts and feelings about this mistake.
5. Remain kind and firm while insisting that screen time must be reduced.
6. Get the whole family involved in a plan for reducing screen time. Part of the solutions should include things to do in place of screen time. It is more difficult to give something up when you don’t have plans for what else to do.
7. Don’t expect it to be easy. If there is too much conflict during the first family meeting, table the item and try again the next day when everyone has had time calm down and think about solutions.
8. If your kids are old enough, ask them to do research on the internet on the effects of too much screen time.

The best example I have ever seen for regulating screen time was a family that included Mom, Dad, and five boys. These wise parents knew that screen time could interfere with family time, chore time, school time, and outdoor time. They set up a system of allowing only one computer in the family room of the house. Family members had to negotiate for time on the computer. Since it was in the family room, everyone knew what was being done on the computer. When I visited their home, I was amazed by the positive atmosphere and abundant energy. It was clear that limiting screen time had given this family the opportunity to enjoy other pleasures and learning opportunities and also brought them closer together.

Problem Solving

Focusing on solutions is a primary theme of Positive Discipline. What a great life skill—to teach kids to focus on solutions when there is a problem. What is the problem? What is the solution?

Even when the problem is “misbehavior,” it is more effective to focus on solutions than on punishment. Consider the following scenarios and the long-term results.

Scenario One:  8-year-old Seth loses his baseball mitt. Mom lectures about how irresponsible he is, and that he will just have to go without because maybe that will teach him to be more responsible. Five minutes later she is taking him to the store to purchase a new mitt—still going with the lecture about how he needs to be more responsible.

Now imagine you are Seth. What are you thinking, feeling, and deciding? Are you thinking about how grateful you are that your mom is giving you such good advice? Are you deciding that she cares so much? OR are you thinking how easy it is to just tune out the lectures and wait until she is ready to rescue you again?

Scenario Two:  8-year-old Samantha lost her softball mitt. Mom empathizes, “That must be disappointing.” Samantha whines, “Will you please, please, buy me another one so I won’t have to miss the game?” Mom says, “No, but I’m willing to brainstorm with you on some ideas for solving the problem now and tomorrow, I’ll be happy to sit down with you and brainstorm with you how you can earn enough money to buy another one for yourself.”

During the brainstorming for immediate solutions they came up with the following:

1) Look harder for the mitt.
2) Borrow a mitt from a friend.
3) Play without a mitt.

Samantha chose No. 2 and found plenty of friends who were willing to loan their mitts. The next day they brainstormed several ideas for extra jobs Samantha could do to purchase another mitt.

Imagine you are Samantha. What are you thinking, feeling, and deciding? At first you might be feeling mad at your mom for not rescuing you, and might be thinking she is the worst mom in the world. However, after you engage in brainstorming and decide to solve the problem by borrowing a mitt from your friend, you are probably feeling capable and proud of yourself. Whether consciously or subconsciously, you are deciding that you are very capable.