Aggression and TV—or NOT

Positive Discipline Associates share concerns and information on a list serve. Laurie Prusso, a Certified Positive Discipline Associate, shared the following that I thought was so informative and useful for parents that I asked if I could share it on my blog. So, with Laurie's permission:

Aggression and TV—or NOT

©Laurie Prusso, M.Ed, Instructor of Child Development at Modesto Junior College and popular trainer and public speaker.


This letter was written in response to a teacher of young children who was concerned and a little upset about little boys coming to preschool and playing Power Rangers and other kinds of "aggressive" games.

My Response

My personal belief relative to the findings that children are more aggressive now is that it has more to do with a lack of positive relationships with and an increase in punitive reactions by adults, and too much time too early in group care--kids are having to "fight" for their rights and haven't learned respectful ways to do it. TV and the media only exacerbate those things that are lacking in their lives and reinforce relationships that support disrespect.

But when children demonstrating typical behavior (like Power Rangers, Spiderman, Indiana Jones, etc.) are prohibited from this type of play, and when we call it "violent" when little boys pick up a fallen twig from a tree and say "On Guard", something has gone wrong! When I was a child all of the boys played the very politically incorrect Cowboys and Indians! No one called it "Aggressive" or "Violent" and these boys did not become aggressive or violent.

I'm doing some research this summer on "rough and tumble play", which is often mistakenly (because of our current beliefs and societal trends) referred to as "aggressive" play. There is a trend in all educational institutions to label any kind of pretend play that includes pretend fighting, good and bad guys, weapons, or super heroes, as "aggressive" and to prohibit it with a zero tolerance response. We have to be careful because the words we choose to describe something applies our values and belief system to it. Yesterday, a three-year-old in a local early childhood program was expelled because he said, "I'm gonna get a bomb and kill you," to the teacher when he was mad at her. She considered it a terrorist act and expelled him on the spot! We are missing the big picture and over-reacting to a violent world and applying adult thinking abilities to very young children. If I were the teacher, I would wonder if this child is being hurt. I would wonder if it was just something he heard someone else say and he was trying it out on me. I wonder if he was reacting to her meanness (which was also reported to me)? I wonder if he feels powerless in her classroom because she rejects children, discourages them, and is harsh. We will not know, because he was simply dismissed for his "violent outburst". No one sought to learn what he needed.

Power play, and rough and tumble play is often related to things children have seen on television or in the movies, however, the value of this kind of play is well documented and is universal. Adults today are often uncomfortable with the themes (weapons, violence etc.) children seem to gravitate to, but we need to look under the "media context" and see what the children are really saying and doing. You may recall your young friends playing Teen-age Mutant Ninja Turtles. These kids have graduated from college and are raising their families now--they are not in jail and they are not violent. My kids even turned their pretzels into guns and then pointed them at each other at the lunch table. They made Chinese stars out of my aluminum foil!

In my early research, one of the very interesting things I found is the value of power play and rough and tumble play in helping children develop an internalized sense of self-discipline and self-control. Of course, with three-year-olds, it has not clicked YET, and they often flail themselves around and bump into others with their Karate chops and so forth. What they learn from these powerful movements and from these accidents is how to be careful and throw your punches without really touching anyone.

We can gently guide children to appropriate spaces where there is enough room for them to move about safely, or invite them to do a demonstration while other children watch. Another surprise from the research, and something I had not thought of at all, is that boys develop empathy and concern when they are permitted to play in these powerful ways. You can observe this easily by watching any group of boys playing on their own. When they find themselves getting too rough, or when someone gets hurt, they talk about being more careful and they comfort the injured child or go and get an ice pack on their own, without adult direction.

The research has demonstrated that when this kind of play is prohibited boys are not developing these very important self-regulating behaviors and demonstrate less empathy than boys who have played exuberantly and powerfully. Vygotsky called it "acting a head taller" in play. They demonstrate higher level learning than they can when we ask to perform for us--like stand still in line!

There is a difference between aggression or aggressive play and rough and tumble and power play. The difference can be noted by the expressions on the children's faces. If they are happy, smiling, and seeking each other out, then you can relax--even if they are "running away from" each other, if it is happy running and silly shrieking, then the play is appropriate and children are choosing to participate. If, on the other hand, they are scared, look angry, or are acting out in revenge, that is a different thing and, of course, Positive Discipline is the answer.

One of the things that we know about early childhood play is that children initiate and play with the themes and actions that express the context of their lives--we believe that they do what they "need" to do. Sometimes a young child has older siblings who are rough with him, and preschool is a place to practice having some personal power. Sometimes a child is dealing with family transitions and using his whole-body to be expressive and work out strong feelings. Teachers can listen attentively, support, and encourage appropriate powerful play that enhances development. We can also teach all of the children how to navigate--to tell others that "I don't want to play", that they can say "stop" or "I don't like that" and we can teach the "rough" kids to listen and respond appropriately.

Be careful about labeling this as "aggression". Aggressive behavior is very different from powerful or rough and tumble play. Children who demonstrate aggression really need our help and nurturing so that they can express their pent up anger and often, their hurt. They need our support and teaching so that they can learn the skills that they need to be able to make friends and sustain play. They do not need prohibition or sterile environments.

Unfortunately, aggressive children are often treated with aggression. Caregivers punish them, put them on time-out, withhold pleasurable activities from them, and give negative reports to their parents. None of these is helpful to the child. If we want to help children—all children, then we will learn to listen and help the child heal and be able to do better next time.

Our world is not friendly to young boys anymore. We do not let them climb trees or go up the slide. They can't twist in the swings, or swing on their bellies like we did. They can't climb up the slide and slide down the pole like we did because, "That's not what slides are for!" Where will they learn to take risks, to be careful, to be gentle, to demonstrate concern, and to internalize self-control?

One final thought. When we introduce storytelling and good literature in the classroom, and invite a little "theater" at circle times, we see children changing their play themes to reflect the stories we present. Three Billy Goats Gruff, The Three Bears, the Three (is it always three?) Pigs and so forth, allow children to act powerfully in ways that we "prefer". Rainbow Fish is a story that teaches about kindness and generosity. King Bidgood's in the Bathtub is about a nutty king that won't get out of the bath. They love to act these out.

Please do not condemn little boys to a categorization of "aggressive". Whatever the case, children need us to be their allies, their co-learners, and their teachers--in the true sense of the word.

Children who become violent are consistently children who have witnessed violence, been treated violently (physically, psychologically, sexually), and had that violence reinforced by adults who do not understand their behavior as a plea for help! TV and movies only reinforce what these kids LIVE. If we put the blame on TV and not on the absence of caring relationships, we miss the big picture and parents and teachers alike believe that if we can just control television, we will solve all of the problems in the world. Relationships are the solution to the problems.

I am hoping that your little 3-year-old is not a victim of violence, but rather an energetic little preschooler who is simply adopting a theme that is exciting and interesting to him right now. We can help bring about peace in the world when we apply our good adult thinking skills to what we really know about children. When we model kindness, respect and peace to them, and when we teach--really teach them. He will not become violent because he plays power rangers! I promise you that.

My sons don't play Teen Age Mutant Ninja Turtles anymore. I think they wish they could. But they still know how to play. Better than that, they know how to be kind and helpful to others, and they learned that from playing.

Good luck to you!

Father's Day

I have lots of fathers in my life today (my birth father died four years ago). Five of my seven children and two sons-in-law are fathers of my 20 (almost 21) grandchildren. It is a joy to be able to say that every one of them are excellent fathers. Brad has the special challenge of being a single father with physical custody of his two youngest children. He writes a blog on being a single father, and I don't think I'm just being a mother when I say it is excellent. I have included his essay of multi-tasking here. For more, goto: http://strainge.blogspot.com/

From:
StrAinge
The Life and Times of a Single Dad!

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

MULTI-TASKING!!!

Today I feel the need to post another single parenting topic. That of multi-tasking! You've probably heard the saying that "Parenting is a two person job". No it's NOT...parenting is a six person job with lousy pay! So when tackling this project as a single parent, you're only option is multi-tasking!

I've spoken to many parents and we all agree that laundry is one of the all-time most frustrating tasks. Laundry has a mind of its own. Even as I type this I've got a load of laundry in the dryer and another in the washer. I have three kids in this household and one adult with a very limited wardrobe...and yet the laundry keeps coming!!!

But let's face it...as Bill Cosby so accurately put it "Kid's have brain damage!" Case in point: Clean clothes show up in the dirty clothes hamper! Huh? How does that happen? I've observed this phenomenon in action and the only explanation is "Brain Damage". I've watched my son go to pick out a shirt for the day. He grabs one off the shelf and two more fall to the floor. Then I tell him that it's time to clean his room and he picks up those two "clean" shirts and throws them in the dirty clothes hamper! Arggghhh!!!

You might be thinking to yourself...just let the kids do the laundry. We actually have that system in place. Our chore wheel gives each child the opportunity to do the laundry for a week. But you don't really think that happens without supervision from Dad? There have been times when I've had to be somewhere else and the laundry was done without my supervision. And of course I come home to wet laundry in the washer that needs to be re-washed because it has been sitting there all day and is starting to smell or wrinkled clothes in the dryer that needs to be re-washed or ironed.

And laundry is just one of the many tasks that need to be performed simultaneously. There's the dishes which show up about every 15 minutes with hungry kids grazing all day. There's grocery shopping and "What's for dinner?" There's yardwork! There's "Dad's Taxi Service" which is on call 24 hours for trips to music lessons, gymnastics, sports practices, as well as the other necessities of life like the dentist, orthodontist, haircuts, etc. And of course the unexpected tasks; "Dad kitty just coughed up a hair ball" "Dad there's a spider in my room" "Dad I spilt my milk all over my dress and I don't have anything else to wear" "How could you not have anything to wear...I just finished three loads of laundry!!!"

What great timing...as soon as I typed that last sentence my daughter came up to me and said "Dad, could you help me find something to wear? I can't find any clean clothes in my room." HA!!! I guess it's back to multi-tasking! My daughter also just said "Oh Dad...just a reminder that today is the day to go pick out fireworks for the 4th of July!" I'll add that to the list!!!
P.S. - "Dad...can you help me with my hair?" "I'll be right there sweetie...as soon as I finish this blog post!"

Dedication

With Father's day approaching I felt it fitting to share the dedication from Positive Discipline.

To Barry

I became pregnant with my sixth child while working on my master’s degree. The University I attended was 50 miles from home. Because I deliver babies so quickly, and often early, during the last month Barry drove me to school (with our emergency birth kit in the back seat) and sat in an empty classroom while I attended classes. Mark was born during Christmas vacation. I love to nurse, so when school reconvened, Barry continued driving me and our nursing son the 100 mile round trip to school. He would then sit in an empty classroom with Mark so I could nurse during breaks.

When our nursing babies cried at night, Barry would get up, change their diapers, and bring them to me to nurse. He could hardly remember getting up, but when I got up I had difficulty going back to sleep.

After Mary was born (three years later) Barry and I both considered going back to school for advanced degrees. It was obvious that we could not both go to school since we had two children under the age of five. It was Barry’s decision that I should go since I love school and he doesn’t, and that he would prefer to be home every evening (after his full time job as a civil engineer) with the kids while I pursued my Ed.D. and spent a lot of time studying.

People often ask me how I am able to do all that I do. Now you know -- and you have a taste of why I love and appreciate him so much.

The above dedication is from the Positive Discipline Audio Book. The first chapter of this Audio Book is available for free download at http://focusingonsolutions.com/. I am very excited about the release of the 12 CD Set Positive Discipline Audio Book. This has been a project I have wanted to complete for over 20 years.
Many people who work full time, like many fathers, do not have spare time to read. Now Those people can have the benefit of Positive Discipline with ability to listen to this audio book in the car while they commute. Thank you so much to my son Ken who has made this possible.

Kicking the Pacifier Habit

Question:

Maybe a mistake I made. Now what to do? For about four months before my son’s 3rd birthday we had been talking with him about not using a passy after he turned 3-years-old. I was telling him that they were for babies that did not have any teeth.

The reason I had decided to try getting rid of it was because he was using it not just for comfort but keeping it in his mouth all the time, even while talking, when he didn't really need it. I didn't so much care how it affected his teeth since he would be getting new ones anyway and most people get braces later anyway. But, the dentist said it was changing the structure of the bones or whatever. So I thought I might test the waters by preparing him for months for that give-up time and see how it went.

Well, surprisingly, on the night of his 3rd birthday he went to sleep okay without it. No hysterical crying or anything. If he had and it seemed traumatizing I was going to forgo the whole thing. Well, for the next few weeks he did well other than occasionally taking it out of the baby’s mouth and sucking on it.

A quick reminder and he tucked his head and gave it back. So it has been about 6 weeks now and everyone told me after 3 days it would be no more. NO! It has gotten worse, reversed. Many nights I have gone in to check on him and he is not in his bed. I find that he has gone into the baby’s room and climbed in his bed and taken it out of the babies mouth and is asleep in there with him Sometimes the baby, is woken up.

What do I do? Do I keep enforcing no or do I go backwards after all of that and let him have it back? I guess I made a mistake. Now looking back I guess it was not fair of me to ask a smoker to stop smoking while there was still a smoker in the house if you get my drift. It wasn't out of sight out of mind. It was just that he didn't really throw the fit I was expecting so I went with it. Now, it has gotten worse, later, I wasn't expecting that. Now what to do? Do I just allow him to have it in his bed at nap and night time only so he doesn't wake the baby by steeling his?

Any advice? T

Answer:

First I suggest you not call this a mistake. You tried an experiment that didn't turn out the way you hoped. And, I can hear that you have the answer from your own heart and wisdom. You just need to follow what you know and keep experimenting.

As you say, it may not have been "effective" to take the passy away when the baby has one. This introduces two factors--habit and "dethronement." He is already feeling "dethroned" by the baby, and now the baby gets one and he doesn't.

I also see the next phase of your "experiment" in your question--to try giving it to him only at night and naptime. Also, keep using your loving respect by involving him. Let him know that now that he is three he is ready to "graduate" to using the passy only at sleep time. (First tell him that the experiment of him not using it at all didn't work so well.) Let him decide where to put his passy when he isn't sleeping. Then, if he forgets and wants it during other times you can ask, "Where is you passy supposed to be when you aren't sleeping?" so he can tell you can take care of it.

Remember that weaning is never easy for the weanor or the weanee. Getting him involved in the process (letting him help create the plan) will give him a sense of control and constructive power that will help teach him some valuable life skills and help him feel capable.

Jane Nelsen

You Can’t Give Your Children Self-Esteem

Many parents say, “I want to give my children self-esteem.” However, you can’t “give” self-esteem to any one. Self-esteem is personally developed from within. Even that is not entirely true. Have you ever noticed how fleeting is self-esteem? One minute you feel really great about yourself. Then someone criticizes you or you make a mistake and criticize yourself. Suddenly your self-esteem is in the pits.

What children (and adults) really need is the ability to handle the ups and downs of life. They need to know how to “recover” their self-esteem when it gets trampled. So, it is more accurate to help children develop self-esteem and resiliency, than to try to “give” it to them.

Self-esteem, or the lack thereof, is developed through life experiences and the “decisions” children make about themselves in response to their experiences. When parents try to give their children self-esteem through praise, they teach their children to value the opinions of others. Children might decide, “I’m good only if someone else tells me I am, and, on the other hand, if someone tells me I’m bad, it must be true.”

Many mistakes are made in the name of love. When parents do too much for children, they are likely to decide, “I’m not capable. Love means getting others to take care of me.” When parents rescue and over-protect their children they may decide, “I can’t handle disappointment or conflict.”

Children will have self-esteem and/or resiliency when they develop healthy beliefs and skills. Self-esteem is founded on such beliefs as, “I’m capable. I belong. I have power in my life. I can handle disappointment. Mistakes are opportunities to learn.” They will have greater self-esteem and resiliency when they have skills and know, “I can solve problems. I can recover from mistakes. My thoughts and feelings are respected. I know how to think about the consequences of my choices. I know how to be respectful to myself and others.”

Parents can help their children develop self-esteem when they provide many opportunities for children to develop these beliefs and skills. Many Positive Discipline books have been written on how to accomplish this http://www.positivediscipline.com/ but I will give one example:

Parents make a huge mistake when they talk (lecture too much). I often hear the complaint, “Why doesn’t my child listen to me.” I always want to say, “Because you don’t give her an example of how to listen.”

Most parents “tell” their children what happened, what caused it to happen, how they should feel about it, and what they should do about it. Lecture, lecture, lecture. No listening, no exploring, no teaching children how to think. This invites children to feel blame, shame, and pain – not self-esteem. Learn proven, effective Positive Discipline strategies -- even if you’re on the go! Listen to our free podcast series on your iPod or MP3 player while jogging, driving to work… anytime!
It would be so much more effective to ask curiosity questions – and then to listen:

• What happened?
• What were you trying to accomplish?
• How are you feeling about what happened?
• I’ll bet you learned a lot from this. How could you use what you learned in the future?
• That ideas do you have to solve this problem?
  

This invites children to “explore” (think through) the consequences of their choices. When parents truly listen to their responses, children feel valued and respected. When they are given the opportunity to wonder about what they learned and how they can solve the problem, they are practicing thinking skills and problem-solving skills – which will helps them feel very capable.

This is what self-esteem is all about.

My son keeps saying I don’t love him.

Question:

I recently bought the Positive Discipline A-Z book I have enjoyed reading it and learning from it. Recently my 5 year-old-son has not stopped saying, "You don't love me." What is it that is making him feel that way, or what can I improve on to make him feel different? I have tried in every possible way to make him feel love. Please help

Answer:

Dear M,

My guess is that he doesn't believe you don't love him. He has just learned how to "get a rise" out of you. This is very typical behavior that many children go through--especially when parents react. I suggest you just ignore it or say something like, "I can see you are really upset right now." Then don't give it any more energy. Another possibility to say, "Well, I love you," and then don't give it any more energy. Another possibility is to say, "Wow, I think we have a problem here. Why don't we put this on the family meeting agenda and talk about it during our family meeting." I hope you are getting the main point is that you can respond kindly, but don't get hooked. Your son will notice the difference. He may keep claiming you don't love him for awhile to see if he can get the same rise out of you that he used to, but eventually he will expeerience that it doesn't work and he will most likely give up the behavior. It will pass.

Serenity is here!

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all say, “I now have Serenity.”? Now we can when we follow the four principles discussed in the book that provide the “treasure map” to Serenity.

Many of you may know that “Serenity” is my favorite book of all that I have written because it made such a profound difference in my life. Positive Discipline principles have also changed my life dramatically, but few people know how much the later editions have been influenced by the changes in my life that were brought about by the concepts presented in Serenity.

Serenity has had many incarnations. First it was called Understanding, then From Here to Serenity, then back to Understanding again. It started out as a self-published book, then was published by Prima Publishing, then self-published again—and now is hot off the press with publisher Conari Press.

You might enjoy listening to my first interview about Serenity with Stephen Martin at http://www.webtalkradio.net/content/view/531/33/

I love getting feedback from readers such as the following:

Thank you for rewriting Understanding. I love the new edition Serenity. I've told friends about it. They now believe me. Thank you so much for changing the way I look at things.
Peace and Love
Claudia Garcia

You will know if this book is for you by listening to your inner voice. Enjoy!