Family Meetings

Several years ago some Adlerians recorded a bunch of family meetings in different families. For two years they looked for the perfect family meeting. Finally they gave up because they couldn't find a perfect family meeting. However, they were delighted with the positive results in families (more effective communication, focusing on solutions, having more fun together) even though their meetings were not perfect.
   
Keeping in mind that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn, the biggest mistake parents made that kept the meetings from coming closer to perfection was talking too much. Children are not thrilled about family meetings that provide another platform for parents to lecture. Parents need to talk less and listen more. Yes, I know how difficult this is—I’m still working on it. Somehow we parents think we aren’t doing our jobs unless we are talking, talking, talking.

Family meetings are one of the most important tools parents can use to teach children so many valuable social and life skills such as:

• Listening skills
• Brainstorming skills
• Problem-solving skills
• Mutual respect
• The value of cooling off before solving a problem. (Problems are put on the family meeting agenda so a cooling off period takes place before focusing on solutions to the challenge.)
• Concern for others
• Cooperation
• Accountability in a safe environment. (People don’t worry about admitting mistakes when they know they will be supported to find solutions instead of experiencing blame, shame, or pain.)
• How to choose solutions that are respectful to everyone concerned
• A sense of belonging and significance
• Social interest
• That mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn
• Having fun together as a family

Family Meetings provide an opportunity for parents to:

• Avoid power struggles by respectfully sharing control
• Avoid micromanaging children, so children learn self-discipline
• Listen in ways that invite children to listen
• Respectfully share responsibility
• Create good memories through a family tradition
• Model all of the skills they want their children to learn

Where else can you get so much for such a small investment in time? Family meetings provide a wonderful family tradition that may carry on for generations.

It is most effective to have family meetings once a week and to stick to the allotted time of 20 to 30 minutes—even if everything on the agenda has not been covered. This will help your children learn "delayed gratification." Also, it gives them time to absorb what was discussed during the meeting, to try the agreed upon solution, and to practice working things out for themselves in between meetings.

My children loved family meetings when they were four to twelve or so. Then they started complaining, as typical teens do, about how stupid family meetings were. I asked them to humor me, and that we could shorten the time from 30 minutes to 15.

One day Mary, one of the complainers, spent the night at a friend’s house. The next day she announced, “That family is so screwed up. They should be having family meetings.” When Mary went off to college, she initiated regular “family meetings” with her roommates and said they would not have survived without them.

If you need help getting your Family Meetings started, consider getting the Family Meeting Album. This download product provides a step-by-step process for starting and organizing family meetings. A family meeting album can be as much fun as a photo album. You and your family will chuckle as you look back at past challenges you solved together. You will enjoy looking at your family mottos, gratitude pages, mistakes you learned from, problems you solved, fun things you did together, and meals you planned. This album is designed so you can insert a photo of YOUR family to create your own Family Meeting Album. You can print out many of the pages over and over to use each week.

Get Your Family Meeting Album - Only $2.99

Connection Before Correction

Extensive research shows that we cannot influence children in a positive way until we create a connection with them. It is a brain (and heart) thing. Sometimes we have to stop dealing with the misbehavior and first heal the relationship.

Connection creates a sense of safety and openness. Punishment, lecturing, nagging, scolding, blaming or shaming create fight, flight, or freeze.

One of my favorite examples of “connection before correction” is, “I love you; and the answer is no.” This example also illustrates the Positive Discipline concept of Kind and Firm at the same time.

Before sharing more ways to create a connection with children, I want to point out that it is a mistake to think that giving children whatever they want is effective. Rescuing, fixing, and over-protecting are not good ways to create a connection. Effective connections are made when both child and adult feel belonging and significance. Most of the Positive Discipline parenting tools provide skills for creating a connection.

They will all be discussed in more detail as we choose a card each week. Following is a preview:

• Spend special time with children. What could create a greater connection for your child than to know your enjoy spending time with him or her.
• Listen. Really listen. Stop doing whatever you are doing and give your child your full attention
• Validate your child’s feelings. Don’t we all feel connected when we feel understood?
• Share your feelings and thoughts when appropriate. Remember that children will listen to you AFTER they feel listened to. Children feel a connection when you respectfully share something about yourself. Respectfully, means no stories about walking miles in the snow.
• Focus on solutions WITH children after a cooling off period. There is that word "with" again–because it is a golden bridge to connection.
• Ask curiosity questions to help children explore the consequences of their choices instead of imposing consequences on them. Sincere questions open the heart and the rational brain—equaling connection.
• Hugs. There are times when all of us need nothing more than a hug.

Once the connection is made, children are then open to respectful correction.

It is important to understand that "Correction" in the Positive Discipline way is very different from conventional correction. The biggest difference is that conventional correction usually involves punishment (punitive time-out, grounding, and taking away privileges being the most common). In other words, conventional correction consists of adults doing something TO children. Positive Discipline correction respectfully involves children whenever possible, finding solutions WITH them.

Two great methods for finding solutions are family or class meetings and joint problem solving. These are powerful tools that respectfully involve children to learn and use their personal power in contributing ways. Connection is created as part of the process.

When children feel a connection, they feel belonging and significance. Often that is enough for misbehavior to stop. As you learn about the many Positive Discipline tools, notice that they are all designed to create a connection before respectful correction.

To learn more about Connection Before Correction, listen the following excerpt from my Building Self-Esteem Through Positive Discipline lecture.

Connection Before Correction

Encouragement

Many of you know that we have a Positive Discipline Social Network where members encourage and support each other in the practical application of Positive Discipline. Recently someone posted a discussion about a friend who is feeling discouraged about a son who keeps getting into trouble at a school that uses the colored card system. Every time he “misbehaves,” he gets a colored card and his parents are expected to punish him at home.

I had to respond to this discussion because I have a close friend who is going through the same thing. Of course you might guess my opinion of the color cards—a very dysfunctional system. Then teachers encourage parents to be dysfunctional at home—adding more punishment. Before I continue, I will say that there are many good things at my friend’s child’s school—including the teacher. The school and this teacher simply believe in Behaviorism—that punishment and rewards are the best way to motivate “good” behavior—very different from the Adlerian Psychology base of Positive Discipline. So, I will share with you the advice I have given to my friend.

Don't add punishment at home. Keep encouraging him to focus on solutions. My friends concern was that his solution was to be sent to his room for 5 minutes and she didn't think that was severe enough.

At this point I have to digress and editorialize. It is so interesting to me that parents and teachers are willing to keep doing a punishment over and over, even if it doesn't work, but stop doing a Positive Discipline tool after one or two tries because it doesn't seem to work--right away.

I told my friend to take his suggestion and send him to his room for 5 minutes (very different from punishment when it is his idea). When he comes out avoid discouraging lectures. Use encouragement.  Just say, "I hope this works." If it doesn't work—which it won't because he is only a kindergartner and gets colored cards for things like talking (socializing with his friends)—which is developmentally appropriate for a Kindergarten child to do. (Arrrgggghhh!).

Celebrate every time he gets a colored card. This provides another opportunity for him to practice working on solutions. Every time he does, be encouraging and simply say, "Cool. I hope this works."  No reprimands when it doesn't—just anther opportunity to practice problem solving—over and over and over.

Now lets time travel five years from now. Make some guesses about what a child might be thinking, feeling, and deciding about himself after many opportunities and encouragement to experiment with solutions when he gets into trouble. Then make some guesses about what that same child might be thinking, feeling, and deciding after experiencing punishment at school and at home every time he gets into trouble.

It is very important to consider the long-term results of what we do. Lately I have been using the analogy of what it takes for a child to learn to talk—years of example—first to say a word, then more listening to examples and encouragement to learn sentences, and more years to keep developing and perfecting language. Why do we expect immediate results for other kinds of learning. Why do we expect social (behavior) learning to be immediate? And, how well would children learn to talk if they were humiliated and punished every time they got it wrong.

Children learn what they live. If we want our children to grow up learning to be kind and firm and respectful, we better make sure that is what they live. Remember that encouragement is the foundation of Positive Discipline. As Rudolf Dreikurs said, over and over, "A child needs encouragement like a plant needs water. It is essential to healthy growth and development.

Listen to the excerpt below which beautiful illustrates how encouragement can work much better than punishment. The following is an excerpt from the Building Self-Esteem Through Positive Discipline MP3.

The Discouraged Child

Listening Tool Card

From the Positive Discipline Parenting Tool Cards available at www.positivediscipline.com and as an App for iPhone and Android.

So many parents complain that their children don’t listen; yet few parents really listen to their children. What to they do instead?

• React and Correct: Don’t talk to me that way. Why can’t you be more positive, grateful, or respectful? You shouldn’t feel that way. Why can’t you be different—more like your sister or brother?
• Fix or Rescue: Maybe if you would do this ____, then____.  (Maybe if you would be friendlier, then you would have more friends.) I’ll talk to your teacher (or your friend’s mother). Don’t feel bad.

Tools for Better Listening

1. Validate feelings: I can see this is very upsetting for you. Sounds like you are really sad, mad, feeling hurt.
2. Ask Curiosity Questions:  What happened? Want to talk about it?
3. Invite Deeper Sharing: Anything else? Is there more? Anything else? Anything else?
4. Listen with your Lips Closed:  Hmmmm. Umhmmm. 
5. Have Faith in Your Child: Know that, in most cases, you child simply needs a supportive, listening ear as part of the process of venting before coming up with his or her solution. Through this process your child learns resiliency (“I can deal with the ups and downs of life) and capability (I can survive upset and figure out solutions).

More Sophisticated Listening

There are many levels of listening. What parents complain that toddlers, or 3 to 5-year-olds don’t listen, that isn’t exactly true. First of all, parents really mean, “This child doesn’t obey,” or, “This child knows better.” They are right about the former (toddlers and preschoolers seldom obey) but wrong about the latter (children under the age of six do not “know better” at the level parents expect. They may “know” the family rules at a primitive level, but not at a sophisticated level that requires the kind of morality and judgment and responsibility that does not develop until closer to the age of eight. Thus, too many children are being scolded, and even punished, for not have a level of development for which they are not yet capable.

Learning is a Developmental Process

How long does it take for a child to learn to talk, and how do they learn? This question is very easy for parents to answer. They know that their children will not learn to talk for at least a year, and that the way they learn is hearing their parents talk to them—the more the better. Then, on that happy day when their child finally says her first word, they don’t start punishing her for not speaking in sentences—at a college level. Yet these same parents punish their preschoolers for “not listening,” for “not sharing,” “for “writing on walls” with crayons parents left around where their “exploring, experimenting” children can find them.

Listening Deeper

At an even deeper level, many parents don’t listen between the lines to the belief behind the behavior. (Perhaps a child is feeling “dethroned by the birth of a new baby). They don’t listen to hear if their children are feeling powerless or discouraged. They don’t listen from an understanding of developmentally age-appropriateness or brain development (see above).

When parents tell me their children don’t listen, I want to say, “Neither do you.” I don’t say it, but I’m writing it here. Example is the best teacher. Learn to be a better listener and someday, when all their developmental growing catches up, so will they.

52 Positive Discipline Parenting Tools in 52 Weeks

In 2012 we will be embarking on a journey of 52 Parenting Tools in 52 Weeks. Helping me on this journey will be my daughter, Mary Nelsen Tamborski and my son, Single Dad Brad. They will be going through the Positive Discipline Parenting Tool Cards every week and blogging about their experiences. You can follow them at http://marytamborski.blogspot.com and http://www.singledadbrad.com. I will be adding my own insights and coaching them along the way.

We hope you will join us and post comments about your own experiences. You can get a copy of the Positive Discipline Parenting Tool Cards on the Positive Discipline Website and/or download the App for iPhone and Android. It would also be helpful to read a Positive Discipline Book during the year.

Together we can all improve our parenting skills and improve our relationships with our children.

Below is the weekly schedule of parenting tools that we will be following:


Week 1 - Listen
Week 2 - Encouragement
Week 3 - Connection Before Correction
Week 4 - Family Meetings
Week 5 - Compliments
Week 6 - Routines
Week 7 - Special Time
Week 8 - Take Time for Training
Week 9 - Validate Feelings
Week 10 - Positive Time Out
Week 11 - Jobs
Week 12 - Mistakes
Week 13 - 3 R's of Recovery
Week 14 - Problem Solving
Week 15 - Limit Screen Time
Week 16 - Follow Through
Week 17 - Agreements
Week 18 - Focus On Solutions
Week 19 - Logical Consequences
Week 20 - Natural Consequences
Week 21 - Teach Children What to Do
Week 22 - Put Kids in the Same  Boat
Week 23 - Allowances
Week 24 - Hugs
Week 25 - Wheel of Choice
Week 26 - Act Without Words
Week 27 - Understand the Brain
Week 28 - Back Talk
Week 29 - Winning Cooperation
Week 30 - Distract & Redirect
Week 31 - Decide What You Will Do
Week 32 - Practice
Week 33 - Empower Your Kids
Week 34 - Motivation
Week 35 - Kind and Firm
Week 36 - Pay Attention
Week 37 - Small Steps
Week 38 - Control Your Behavior
Week 39 - Sense of Humor
Week 40 - Silent Signals
Week 41 - Letting Go
Week 42 - Eye to Eye
Week 43 - Closet Listening
Week 44 - One Word
Week 45 - Show Faith
Week 46 - Break the Code
Week 47 - Avoid Pampering
Week 48 - Anger Wheel of Choice
Week 49 - Encouragement vs Praise
Week 50 - Limited Choices
Week 51 - Curiosity Questions
Week 52 - Mirror

Positive Discipline Success Story - "I Need Your Help"

The following is a success story that was shared on our Positive Discipline Social Network.

So, my 2 year old (25.5 months old) has been giving me such a rough time with diaper changes.  She has always been wiggly, even as a baby, and we do cloth diapers so it takes that much longer to get them on her... Lately it has been awful, where she ends up running around naked for 30 min or more after bath time because I just canNOT capture her long enough to get her diaper and/or jammies on.  (And we have tried potty training, but she is just not ready)

I read in one of the positive discipline resources (can't remember which book or if it was on the internet) the technique of saying "I need your help" instead of trying to MAKE her do it... I was skeptical but tonight was a REALLY rough night, she was overtired and after bath she was just crying and would not hold still.  I tried putting her on the diaper, I tried distracting her with a balloon, I tried giving her a book to read... she ran off and climbed up on the couch.  So, figuring I had nothing to lose, I took a deep breath and said, "Leni, mommy needs your help!" (she looked at me skeptically)  "You need to wear your jammies, but I can't put them on unless you help me.  Can you show me where your arm goes?" (she looked curious but I wasn't sure if she was going to go for it)  "Does your arm go in here?" (I held up the sleeve and she reached her arm out and smiled).  Then I asked her to show me how to put a diaper on and I slid the diaper under her, and she laid still and said "snap" when I snapped it on her... then I put one leg in her jammies, and she put the other leg in herself and said "ZIP!" and I zipped them up!  By that time she had a big grin on her face!

I just had to share because I was SO amazed it actually worked!

Positive Discipline Parenting Classes

We now have over 100 Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educators teaching classes in many areas of the United States and other countries. Still, we have many requests from parents who cannot find a Positive Discipline Class in their area.  For these people we offer the following suggestions:


1)  You might find the 5 CD Positive Discipline Workshop helpful.

2)  You might like to get a few friends and go through the Positive Discipline Workbook together. There is an outline at the beginning of each workbook lesson that can be used as a guideline. You could each get a copy of the Positive Discipline book and follow along.  The Positive Discipline Tool Cards are a great supplement.

3) You might like to take the DVD training for Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way to become a Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator so you can teach classes in your area.  Dates and locations of live two-day workshops are available at www.positivediscipline.org

Also, feel free to join the Positive Discipline Social Network, and I hope you will sign up for my newsletter below. Wishing you more joy in parenting with Positive Discipline (remember that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn.

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