Small Steps

Parents may not realize that doing too much for children (usually in the name of love) is discouraging. A child may adopt the belief "I’m not capable” when adults insist on doing things for him that he could do himself. Another possible belief is “I am loved only when others are doing things for me.”

It may be helpful to remember that self‐esteem comes from having skills, and that pampering a child actually discourages him. Stop doing things for your child that he can do for himself and make room for him to practice—even when he does things imperfectly. When he says, “I can’t,” have patience; say, “I have faith that you can handle this task.”

Encouraging a child who believes that he is inadequate requires a great deal of patience, gentle perseverance, and faith in the child’s abilities.


Success Story

We have, not really consistently, been trying to get our son to put his own shoes on when getting ready to leave the house.  Today it was time to get going and I asked him to get his shoes and try and put them on while I was upstairs and that if he needed help I would be down in a little bit.

When I came downstairs he was still struggling with the first shoe.  Usually this is when I would just step in and do it for him and, in fact, he was asking me "Mommy, you do it please."

But instead of swooping in, I thought about assumed inadequacy. (click here to view the Mistaken Goal Chart) I offered to show him step by step with the first shoe and he then he would try on his own with the second.  So I did that, showed him step by step with the first shoe then offered him the second.  When it was his turn he was struggling but instead of swooping in, I kept encouraging him and reminded him of the steps and he eventually got it himself.

When he was done there were a few things I could of corrected (too loose straps, etc.) but, and this was a HUGE success for me, instead of "fixing" it I just let it be figuring if they were actually too loose he would have the logical consequence and we would just stop and he could fix it. This was really a major success for me, not so much my son. I am always just swooping in and doing things for him or fixing his way, and he definitely has some issues with assumed inadequacy as a result. I've really been trying this week to not do that to him. I felt really proud of myself and of him. :)

We had another success this week. My son knows when we come inside the house it's his job to take his shoes off and put them away. It was that time and he wasn't wanting to listen. We were on the verge of a tantrum, not really in the midst of it or anything, but just a lot of "no" and laying on the floor not wanting to listen. So I got down on the floor and told him I needed a hug once, to which he responded "no."  Then I said it again, "I need a hug," he looked up and said "huh?" so I said it a third time and he got up and gave me a hug.

When we were done hugging I asked him, "What's your job when we come home?" and he sat right down and took his shoes off. It was awesome! If I had argued with him it would have turned into a tantrum, but instead I stopped myself, told him I needed a hug and afterward it's like he almost forgot what he was even protesting. Again a huge success for both of us.

Sarah G.

Logical Consequences

Logical consequences are different from natural consequences in that they require the intervention of an adult—or other children in a family or a class meeting. It is important to decide what kind of consequence would create a helpful learning experience that might encourage children to choose responsible cooperation.

For example, Linda liked to tap her pencil while doing deskwork. This disturbed the other children. Her teacher gave her the choice to stop tapping or to give up her pencil and complete the work later. (It is usually a good idea to give children a choice either to stop their misbehavior or to experience a logical consequence.) Of course there are other solutions. Often a child is not aware that his or her behavior is disturbing others. The teacher could simply ask Linda to please stop tapping her pencil. Or the teacher could work out a solution with Linda, or they could agree to ask the class for help during a class meeting. If a consequence feels even close to punishment, choose another Positive Discipline tool.


Dan brought a toy car to school. His teacher called him aside and asked him if he would like to leave it with her or with the principal until after school. Dan chose to leave it with his teacher. (It is a good idea to speak to children about a consequence in private, when possible, so they don’t lose face with their peers.)

Giving children a choice and speaking to them in private about the consequences are not the only guidelines for effectively applying logical consequences. If this were so, it would be reasonable to give a child a choice either to stop his misbehavior or to have a spanking. The Three Rs and an H for Logical Consequences is a formula that identifies the criteria to help ensure that logical consequences are solutions, rather than punishment.

The Three Rs and an H of Logical Consequences

1. Related

2. Respectful

3. Reasonable
4. Helpful

Related means the consequence must be related to the behavior. Respectful means the consequence must not involve blame, shame or pain; and should be kindly and firmly enforced. It is also respectful to everyone involved. Reasonable means the consequence must not include piggy backing and is reasonable from the child’s point of view as well as the adult’s. Helpful means it will encourage change for everyone involved. If any of the Three Rs and an H is missing, it can no longer be called a logical consequence. These could also be renamed as the Three Rs and an H for Focusing on Solutions.

When a child writes on a desk, it is easy to conclude that the related consequence would be to have the child clean up the desk. But what happens if any of the other four Rs is missing?

If a teacher is not respectful and adds humiliation to his request that the desk be cleaned, it is no longer a logical consequence. Mr. Martin thought he was using a logical consequence when he said to Mary in front of the whole class, "Mary, I’m surprised that you would do such a stupid thing. Now clean up that desk or I’ll have to let your parents know how disappointed I am in you." In this example, respect has been eliminated and the teacher did some piggy backing with humiliation.

If a teacher is not reasonable and requests that a student clean every desk in the room to make sure she has learned her lesson, it is no longer a logical consequence. Reasonableness has been eliminated in favor of the power to insure suffering. This is usually because of the mistaken belief that children learn only if they suffer.

If the consequence is not helpful it is easier to be construed as punishment. When both parties agree that the consequence would be helpful, it is more likely to encourage change.

When a child spills milk, the related consequence is to have him clean up the spill. It is not respectful if you say, "How can you be so clumsy? That is the last time I’ll let you pour milk." A more respectful comment would be, "Whoops. What do you need to do now?" (It is amazing how often the child knows what a solution would be, and how willing he is to do it, when asked respectfully.) If the child doesn’t know what to do, it could be because you haven’t taken time for training—thus making your expectation or request unreasonable. Handling it respectfully also demonstrates that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn. It would not be reasonable to ensure that he suffers for his mistake by saying, "To make sure you learn, I want you to scrub the whole floor."

Actually, if adults eliminate one of the Four Rs so that consequences are not related, respectful, reasonable, and helpful, children may experience the Four Rs of Punishment.

1. Resentment ("This is unfair. I can’t trust adults.")
2. Revenge ("They are winning now, but I’ll get even.")
3. Rebellion ("I’ll show them that I can do whatever I want:
4. Retreat, in the form of sneakiness ("I won’t get caught next time.") or reduced self esteem ("I am a bad person.")

Parents and teachers don’t like to admit that, often, the main reason they like to use punishment is to demonstrate their power to win over the child or to gain revenge by making the child suffer. The subconscious thinking behind this idea is, I am the adult and you are the child. You will do what I say—or else you will pay.

This concept was depicted in a cartoon showing a mother watching her husband chase their child with a stick. In the caption the mother is calling, "Wait! Give him another chance." The father replies, "But he might not ever do it again." Obviously, it is more important for this father to make the child suffer for his misbehavior than to help him change it.

Suffering is not a requirement of logical consequences. For example, a child might enjoy cleaning up his desk. (This is fine, since the purpose of a logical consequence is to change the misbehavior and find a solution, not to get revenge by causing suffering.)

Logical consequences are not the best way to handle most problems. Many parents and teachers get so excited about logical consequences that they try to find a consequence for every misbehavior. I don’t know how many times I have heard people ask, "What would a logical consequence be for this situation?" I tell them, "If a related logical consequence isn’t obvious, then it is probably not appropriate to use a logical consequence in this situation." There are other methods that might be more effective, such as holding a family meeting, focusing on solutions instead of consequences, creating routines, offering limited choices, asking for help, dealing with the belief behind the behavior, deciding what you will do instead of what you will make your child do, following through with dignity and respect, hugging, or another Positive Discipline tool that seems appropriate for the situation.

The Positive Discipline Journey

by Isabelle Belles (Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator)


My husband, my then two year-old son, and I moved from Madrid, Spain to Chicago in 2008 because of my husband’s job. I was working at that time for a consulting company as a full-time manager. Even when I had my son, I had never considered stopping working, but moving to the U.S. was a major challenge for my career. I was able to continue working for the same company for a year after our arrival in Chicago, but then, due to personal circumstances, I decided to leave my job. Suddenly, I found myself “officially” a full-time mother without any parenting skills.

The transition was really challenging for me. I went from very little family time, work days with full agendas and business trips to seemingly limitless hours to devote to taking care of my son, school meetings and class field trips. What a change! Everything was new for me, even more so as I was in a different country, using a new language.


But the most difficult part was my lack of education in parenting skills. I realized that I was applying the same methods as my parents had used with me, but with few, if any, positive results. I was not satisfied, neither was my family, and I couldn’t find a way to change it.

Months passed, and a wonderful woman, who later would become one of my beloved friends, mentioned two words to me, two words that changed my life: Positive Discipline. I opened all my senses and listened carefully. “Be kind and firm at the same time” she told me. With her characteristic passion and generosity, she explained to me what Positive Discipline was all about and how this new pedagogical approach was also changing her life. I was sure that a new path as a parent was opening up in front of me.  At the very least Positive Discipline was something new to try.  At that time, my son was four years old.

After researching on the internet and reading comments and newsletter subscriptions, I found my interest in Positive Discipline growing daily. I was really excited to find that there would be a Positive Discipline presentation at my son’s school in April 2010 by Dina Emser (MA, Certified Positive Discipline Lead Trainer) and Marine Bazin (also a Certified Positive Discipline Lead Trainer). They introduced the main aspects of PD and announced that they would present a multi-session series in the near future. In the meantime, I was determined to learn more, so I started to read the book “Positive Discipline” by Jane Nelsen.

In winter of 2011, Dina Emser presented a seven-session course with Marine Bazin. I attended the series, which covered the basic principles of Positive Discipline and focused on resolving problems with teenagers. We read and worked with the book “Positive Discipline for Teenagers”. Even though my son was still a toddler, it was terrific to notice that solutions could be applied at whatever one’s child’s age. It was a wonderful experience that slowly transformed our family life. I remember my first attempts at Positive Discipline: I used index cards to recall sentences that were in the book. My son was surprised by the change in my approach, but accepted it easily. We both felt so good as a result of just changing the way we were communicating. I then incorporated more Positive Discipline tools in our daily life, such as family meetings, limited choices, and routines.

Our family life had improved, and I was feeling more and more confident as a parent. I decided to keep going on my journey, and I enrolled for certification (Positive Discipline Parent Educator).  In May 2011, three friends and I attended Dina Emser’s workshop entitled Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way that was held in Normal, Illinois. It was such a wonderful experience in so many different ways. One of the most enjoyable parts was sharing the two days (including the driving to and from Chicago) with my friends. We connected in a way that still feels really special today. Also, seeing a large group, with totally different backgrounds, but working and exploring in harmony, was a confirmation of the strong community that the Positive Discipline way builds.

Lately, I have discovered a new “version” of Positive Discipline, La Discipline Positive! I am French and Spanish, so when the French Positive Discipline book was published last year, I ran to buy one! It is so interesting to see the differences between the American and French editions. It seems like knowing already the painting but seeing different details. Consequently, January of 2013 I have enrolled in a seven-session series conducted in French which I am enjoying as much as I did the first miles of my Positive Discipline journey ...

My next stop will be to attend the think tank in 2013! After that I would like to work towards advance certification training.

Bon voyage!!!
Isabelle Belles

Empowering vs Enabling Success Story

Why is it so much easier to “enable” than to empower? Enabling is adult behavior that puts the parent between the child and life experiences to minimize the consequences of the child's choices. Enabling includes rescuing, over-protecting, and controlling without involving the child in problem solving. Enabling behavior encourages an unhealthy dependence in children and prevents them from learning to do things for themselves.

Many parents enable their children in the name of love. They do not look at the long-term results. They don’t consider what their children are deciding about themselves and about what to do in the future (based on their decisions). They may be deciding, “I'm not capable.” “It is best to let others take care of me.” “You can’t make me,” etc. It is important to know that adults do not necessarily feel comfortable with empowering statements and actions until they really understand the long-term benefits.

Empowering means turning over control to young people as soon as possible so they have power over their own lives and having faith in them to learn and recover from their mistakes.


Typical Enabling Behaviors

• Waking children in the morning, doing their laundry, fixing their lunches, picking out their clothes.
• Loaning money and/or giving extra money after they have spent their allowance or used specially earmarked funds, such as a clothing allowance, on something else.
• 
Typing papers, researching, delivering forgotten homework or lunches to school.
• Lying to teachers when children cut classes or skip school
.
• Feeling sorry for children when they have a lot of homework or activities, excusing them from helping the family with household chores.
• 
Pretending everything is fine, when it clearly isn't, to avoid confrontation.
• 
Giving them everything they want—“because everyone else has one.”

Typical Empowering Behaviors

• Listening and giving emotional support and validation without fixing or discounting.
• Teaching life skills
 (laundry, dishes, fixing lunches, picking out clothes, etc.).
• Working on agreements through family meetings or the joint problem-solving process.
• Letting go (without abandoning).
• Deciding what you will do, with dignity and respect
.
• Sharing what you think, how you feel, and what you want without lecturing, moralizing, insisting on agreement, or demanding satisfaction.

Empowering Success Story

Lisa provides an inspiring success story of how she and her husband empowered their son.


Our oldest son is 12-years-old and in middle school.  He attends an academic magnet school and has daily homework and frequent "big" projects.  We power struggled a lot with him in fifth grade over keeping up with his work and in 6th grade we REALLY started power struggling. Sometimes we would have daily arguments about homework. My husband decided it was time for us to cut the cord completely in this area just before Christmas.  They wrote out a mutually agreed upon contract with items like our son coming to us if he needed our help and us coming to him if we got notification that his grades had dropped into the C range.  We all read and signed the contract. There have been a few times when I would start nagging about homework again and my husband would remind me about the contract terms.

The first report card with our new approach came and he had straight A's.  The second one he had all A's and one B.  At breakfast one morning we were acknowledging his hard work and it occurred to me in that moment that HE had earned those grades, he had done that by himself.  I realized that by us "driving the boat" so to speak that it minimized his successes as well.  At his school it is 7th grade scores and grades that ensure you a place in the academic high school.  During that same breakfast he said "Just wait until next year, I am going to knock it out of the park because I am not going to let an 84 keep me out of the academic high school." It was great to see his attitude shift, a few months ago he didn't want to go to that high school-probably because of OUR intensity around it. 
   
Lisa L.

Understanding the Belief Behind the Behavior - A Positive Discipline Success Story

Success Story

I want to share an encouraging moment from recent life: Our week started with a particularly upsetting episode for my 3 1/2 year-old daughter. She was at preschool and apparently came down with a spontaneous case of the rota-virus that is spreading around the school like wildfire. She had an accident which required a change of clothes and her cot cover...you get the picture. So I got the call at noon to come pick her up. She was upset, but she recovered. I subsequently caught the bug from her, and I recovered.

Two days later...

It was time for her to go to school again. The FIRST thing she said to me that morning at 7:00 AM is, "I'm still sick. I cannot go to school."

I listened to her, and asked a few questions, but went on with the morning, while she continued to insist she didn't want to go to school. The whining increased. I started to tense up, thinking, "We don't have time for this. She's too young to be saying she doesn't like school. Why can't we just have ONE morning go smoothly?"

And then (and I think this is ONLY because I had been sick in bed the previous day, grading graduate students' homework on Adlerian parenting/Positive Discipline), I paused and said to myself, "I bet I can figure out what is going on here."

So I made a guess. (I'm sure it's obvious to some of you veterans out there.) I said to her, "I know what happened on Monday was so upsetting and you were so surprised by that. I bet it felt a little scary."

She instantly began to cry (the real tears) and nodded, saying "Yes, and I'm so scared it's going to happen again."

She immediately calmed down, let me hug her and hold her, and I reassured her that her body was all better now and that it would not happen again.

The rest of the morning was fine, and we got in the car and made it to school on time. No more tears.

That afternoon, I told her she must be feeling so proud of herself for being so brave, but really, I was thinking, "Yay for me! I guessed right!” I slowed down long enough to listen to her! I didn't get mad! I validated her feelings. I didn't let the tension of hurried mornings get in the way of hearing her very real and valid fear!" She must have felt encouraged because she changed her behavior.

**************

After this experience, I am thinking back to a topic brought up in a recent parenting class. A parent expressed some respectful doubt that we could "guess" at the beliefs (and fears) behind the behavior. My example above is not necessarily a mistaken goal, and I know that it is not always appropriate or possible to do goal disclosure with our own children. However, orienting myself to the origin of her (at the time, very annoying) behavior, and combining it with some curiosity and calming down time for myself was magical!

-- 
Monica H., M.A.
Doctoral Candidate, Clinical Psychology

Mistaken Goal Resources

Click Here to download the NEW Mistaken Goal Chart which will help you discover the belief behind the child's misbehavior. It is a new mistaken goal chart because it includes a column on "How Adults May Contribute" to the misbehavior.

Watch this video from the new Positive Discipline Online Parenting Class for a further explanation of the Mistaken Goals of Misbehavior.

Connection Before Correction - A Positive Discipline Success Story

We had just finished Vicki Dolan's Positive Discipline class at Children's Playroom in the morning.  Most of it was review, but I picked up a few bits of information and one of the things I wrote down was "connection before correction." I haven't tried to implement that particular tool very often, but I had the perfect opportunity that night.

My kids were arguing over who was going to feed the hamster. My 9 year old asked my 4 year old to do it.  He got frustrated and yelled, "I always have to feed him," and THREW the bowl of food all over the kitchen floor.  My first thought was to yell at him to pick it up immediately and get nasty with him.  But I thought I'd give this new technique I learned a try.  So I very calmly held him in my arms and said, "You sound like you're angry because you are tired of feeding Niblet all the time."  He grumpily replied "YES!" with a long winded explanation of how he always has to feed the hamster and he doesn't want to do it.  I told him I could understand how it's frustrating to feel like you are always doing the work.  He nodded.  I then pointed out that there was hamster food all over the floor and it probably wasn't going to pick itself up.  I asked him how we could get it off the floor?  He suggested the vacuum; and I asked him if he wanted me to get it for him so he could use it for the food.  He said yes and proceeded to vacuum up all of the hamster food.  Amazing!

I often say that Positive Discipline takes more time and effort and it's easier to be a mean and nasty parent!  However, when I look back on this situation, I actually think I saved time and frustration by not yelling at him.  If I yelled, he would have fought back and we would have been in a HUGE power struggle that could have lasted all night!  Instead, I spent a few minutes making that connection and then he knew what the correction needed to be.  It was a great tool to use!  Positive Discipline works so well!  It never ceases to amaze me!  Thank you for the tools to be a good parent!

Shannon A.

Applying the Positive Discipline Principles

Last year we introduced 52 Positive Discipline Tools in 52 Weeks. All of these Positive Discipline tools are amazing! But it can be overwhelming to try and apply them all at once. So this year we will share success stories that will inspire you as you read how others have applied the Positive Discipline principles. It is always comforting to know that others share the same struggles and read how they found solutions.

We would also love to hear your own success stories. You can email them to contact@positivediscipline.com or join our success stories group on our private social network.

Family Meetings - The 22-Minute Discipline Solution

Our first success story was printed in Parents Magazine. Dr. Jane Nelsen was interviewed by Francesca Castagnoli and she wrote an article titled The 22-Minute Discipline Solution. Read how Francesca has created a tradition of weekly family meetings and how her children look forward to what they call "Funday". Click Here to read the full article.

This coming week we will be posting another success story featuring the Positive Discipline Tool of Connection Before Correction. Stay Tuned!

Below are some more resources that will help you apply the Positive Discipline Tools:

Find a Local Parenting Class

Attending a parenting class is a great way to help you implement the Positive Discipline tools. Having a group of like minded parents with the same goals and same problems will help you focus. Click Here for a list of local parenting classes.

Take our Online Parenting Class

If you can't find a local parenting class, consider signing up for our Online Parenting Class. Our online class is the next best thing to being there in person. You get to participate vicariously as Dr. Jane Nelsen and her daughter Mary Nelsen Tamborski lead your through a six week parenting class. Watch the preview below.

Click Here to sign up for the online class.

Join Our Private Social Network

Our free Positive Discipline Network is a friendly, encouraging Positive Discipline community. Questions are answered by members and Certified Positive Discipline Associates. You can join special interest groups, and you can do a search of topic that has already been covered to find support, encouragement, and ideas from other parents who are experience similar challenges. Click Here to sign up.

Get The Positive Discipline Tool Cards

The Positive Discipline Tool Cards are a great way to have all the tools right at your fingertips. They are available as a Deck of Cards as well as an App for Android and Apple devices.