Interrupting

Question:

My husband and I came to one of your seminars in February. One subject you didn’t touch was interrupting. Our 4 1/2 year old does it all the time. How can we stop it? It drives my husband and me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks

Lisa

Answer:

Hi Lisa,

Following is an excerpt from the book "Positive Discipline A-Z." You'll see why this is such a helpful book. This excerpt demonstrates the format the covers just about every discipline challenge you can think of. You can even read the suggestions with your 4 1/2 year old and decide together on a solution that might work for all of you.

Interrupting/The Pest
“I can’t get on the phone or talk to a visiting friend without constant interruptions from my three-year-old. I have told her a hundred times not to interrupt me, but she still does.”

Understanding Your Child, Yourself, and the Situation

Children often come to the mistaken conclusion that their belonging and significance are threatened when their parents focus on something or someone else. It helps to understand that this is normal and to deal with the threat in respectful ways instead of increasing the threat through anger or punishment. The more the child demands, the more parents--and teachers--give them attention, be it positive or negative. In fact, children who are pests often receive too much attention--not too little. No amount of attention can fill the hole for children who believe they do not belong unless they have constant attention.

The longer this problem persists, the harder it is to retrain yourself and your child. Therefore, it is extremely important to start early, in infancy, setting your limits of attention giving and sticking to them. You also need to give your kids opportunities to find belonging through cooperation and contribution. When you respect yourself as well as the kids, you’ll know it’s okay to have time to yourself and that your children can figure out how to entertain themselves. They won’t die from lack of attention.

Suggestions

1. When a friend comes over, say to your child, “I would like to spend five minutes with you without any interruptions from my friend. Then I would like some uninterrupted time with my friend. You first, then my friend.” (Let your friend know in advance what you would like to do and why--to help your child feel loved and to learn to respect your time, too.)
2. For ages two to five, say, “Would you like to get a book or toy and sit next to me while I’m on the phone?” For ages five to eight, say, “I want some time on the phone or with my friend. What ideas do you have to keep yourself busy for ten to fifteen minutes so you won’t need to interrupt me?”
3. Tell your child, “It is a problem for me when I’m interrupted while talking on the phone or visiting with a friend. Would you be willing to write this problem on the family-meeting agenda for me, or should I?”
4. If your child has been waiting all day to play with you, when you come home from work ignore the chores and spend fifteen minutes having fun with her or ask her to work with you.
5. Spend time with your spouse and other adults while your children are around. This lets them know that they will get some of your time, but not all of it. If they interrupt, move to another room where you can put a door between you and them or ask them to play somewhere else.
6. Let your children know that you hear them interrupting but you choose not to respond when you are busy doing other things. One way to do this is to use a non-verbal response such as putting your hand on their shoulder while ignoring their demands. This lets them know you care about them even though you won’t respond to constant demands.

Planning Ahead to Prevent Future Problems

1. If your child is being a pest, plan special time with him/her where he/she has you all alone. When she bugs you, say, “This isn’t our time to play. I’m looking forward to our special time at 2: 00.”
2. Set up places where your children can play safely and entertain themselves. Let your children know that you still love them when you are busy with a friend or another child, but it is not time for you to be with them. Try setting a timer for the amount of time you need to spend uninterrupted. If they can’t handle that, ask them to play in their rooms and try again later.
3. Let your children know when you are available for certain activities, such as, “I’m free from 7:00 to 9:00 to help with homework.” “I will be happy to make library runs on Monday and Thursday after school.” “I’d like to read the paper first and then spend time hearing about your day.” Then act like you mean it. Keep control of your schedule.
4. Wait until small children are sleeping to make phone calls. For ages three to four, let your child help you put some favorite toys in a box. Label this the “phone box.” Plan ahead with your child to keep herself busy with the phone box while you are on the phone.
5. Have a junk drawer near the phone. There are all kinds of interesting throwaway things you can put in a junk drawer. Let your child explore the junk drawer when you are on the phone.
6. Discuss the problem at a family meeting and get everyone’s ideas on how to solve the problem.

Life Skills Children Can Learn
Children can learn that they are loved and important even when they aren’t the focus of attention. They can take care of themselves while respecting their parents’ desires to pay attention to other people or things. They can experience the concept of give and take. They can entertain themselves. They will feel better when satisfaction comes from within instead of having to constantly seek attention from others.

Parenting Pointers

1. Since this problem requires so much concentration and commitment on your part, make sure you have a plan and then follow it consistently until your child learns that you have a right to uninterrupted time.
2. Anytime you have a recurring problem, you will be most effective if you deal with the belief behind the behavior (help the child feel belonging and significance) and take time for training.
3. You do a real service to your children if you help them correct their mistaken notion that they only count when they are the center of attention. If you do this while your children are growing up, you can save them years of rejection and isolation as adults.

Booster Thoughts
During one of our Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way workshops, we were doing a role play on effective ways to help children with the mistaken goal of “undue attention.” The group who planned the role play chose the behavior of interrupting while Mom was on the phone. In scene one, the person playing Mom portrayed ineffective ways to handle this situation. She scolded the person role playing her 3-year-old daughter. In the second scene, Mom portrayed an effective method as follows: Mom said “excuse me” to the person she was talking to on the phone. Then she took her watch off her wrist and handed it to her daughter, saying, “Honey, please take my watch and tell me when the second hand (she showed her which one) goes all the way around and reaches the twelve at the top two times.” Then she started talking again. Her little girl watched the wristwatch intently. When her mother hung up the phone, her little girl said, “Mommy, Mommy, you had more time.”
This role play portrayed an excellent way to redirect the child and to show her how to get attention in a helpful way. Another participant had an equally effective but different method. She put her finger to her lips, lovingly patted her child, and kept talking. First the child tried interrupting more. Then he stomped his foot and shook his fist. Then he found a toy and started to play.
In the classroom, teachers have found that an agreed upon non-verbal reminder works wonders. One teacher had an agreement that whenever one of the kids talked out of turn, she’d hold up a finger. She never got past three fingers before he stopped interrupting and waited his turn.

Taming Temper Tantrums

Taming Temper Tantrums

by Aisha Pope

I was in a mall store with my son who was about 16-17 months old and was a pretty talented tantrum thrower. He didn't have a problem walking around the mall; he just hated going into the actual stores; so I could count on him to get upset when we walked in. We went into one particular store, and he started the tantrum and fell out on the floor kicking and screaming. I had been doing some reading “The Happiest Toddler on the Block” by Harvey Karp, MD, about coping with tantrums and learned that I needed to validate his feelings, and since he would not be likely to understand my verbal validation, I needed to show him with my own tone and affect that I was hearing him. So, I sat on the floor (in front of God and everyone) and said, "Jayden, you're mad. You're mad, mad mad! You're so mad." I used a tone that mirrored, but didn’t mock, his tantrum tone. He stopped, looked at me as if to say, “She gets it,” and then crawled into my lap and gave me a big hug! We sat there for a few minutes, and to my surprise, he was patient for the rest of the short time we were in that store! After that, I guess to show him that I respected his feelings; we cut the shopping trip short.

Comments from Jane:

I love this story for so many reasons. First, Jayden’s behavior is so developmentally appropriate. What child doesn’t have a temper tantrum to show his displeasure when he or she doesn’t have any other skills for self-expression. Too many parents don’t understand how helpful it can be to simply allow children to have their feelings and have faith in them to handle their upset and calm down. In a very subtle way, dealing with their feelings in, a supportive atmosphere, helps children develop the sense that they are capable. Instead of trying to talk children out of their feelings, or calling it “misbehavior,” do what Aisha did. Just validate them.

Most adults haven’t learned to understand their feelings language. As children, many of us were told we should feel what we felt. Even worse, we might have been punished. In Positive Discipline the First Three Years, and Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, we discuss the importance of helping children develop their “feelings” language by understanding that what they feel is always okay—even though what they do is not always okay. Once you help children calm down by simply validating their feelings, you can then help them figure out what to do that is respectful for everyone concerned if follow-up is necessary. In Jayden’s case it wasn’t.

I so admire Aisha’s courage that she cared more about helping Jayden deal with his feelings than what others might think. In the process, she provided an excellent example for any parent who was watching. I wish we all could have watched the second success story shared by Aisha.

To Bed using his Own Power
by Aisha Pope

When Jayden was around 15-16 months old, we had never done any formal sleep training, and he still needed to be rocked or nursed to sleep. I decided to work on breaking him of this, and started by setting up a good bedtime routine. That routine would end with a story, nursing in the rocking chair. So he wouldn't fall asleep nursing, I would stand up and walk around the room carrying him while we said our prayers. We would end at the crib where I'd lay him down. As soon as I laid him down, however, this peaceful scene would change. He'd stand right up and start screaming. The next hour to hour and half would be spent with him standing up, me laying him back down, him crying, me wanting to cry, and so on.

One night I decided to change the routine just a little. When we were pacing and saying our prayers, I put him down and let him walk. I said, "Time for bed," and he walked himself over to the crib, holding my hand. He reached to be picked up, and I picked him up, gave a kiss, and set him down on his feet instead of laying him down. He immediately laid down. Ever since then, when it's time for him to go to bed, I have him walk to his crib instead of carrying him. I set him on his feet and he always just lays down on his own. Now that's not to say that every night he drifts peacefully off to sleep with no protesting, because the going to sleep part is still a challenge some nights; but we no longer spend half the night just fighting with him to stay in the crib at bedtime.


Comments from Jane:

I would love to hear if this works for other parents. Your child may not respond exactly as Jayden did, but your chances will increase if you understand some key concepts—which can be used to solve many behavior challenges is many creative ways.

1) Sleeping is a natural bodily function that babies are born knowing how to do. Too often loving parents don’t understand that babies know how to sleep and “train” their babies to believe they can’t sleep without being rocked, nursed, given a bottle, walked around in a baby carrier, or taken for a drive in the car. (I know. I’ve been there.)
2) Weaning is never easy for the Weanor or the Weanee, but it helps to have faith in both of you that you can handle this weaning process and both feel more capable once it is done.
3) Everyone has personal power and we feel capable when we use it constructively, and rebellious or defeated when someone takes it away from us. Toddlers aren’t consciously aware of their personal power, yet they often rebel when parents are overly controlling. In Positive Discipline the First Three Years, we call this the “Me Do It” stage of life—that starts with toddlers and never ends. Aisha figured out a way to incorporate Jayden using his personal power to “fit the needs of the situation.” In other words, he used his personal power for cooperation and to feel capable instead of the rebel and/or demand undue service.
4) Too often, parents train their children to use their personal power to manipulate others into giving them undue service. They may start to develop the believe, “Love means getting others to take care of me and give me whatever I want.” This does not instill a sense of capability.

Putting all this together means understanding that the best way to help children develop a healthy sense that, “I am capable,” is to find ways to let them use their personal power in ways that help them experience being capable. This could be something as seemingly small as letting Jayden walk to his crib, and then letting him lay down himself instead of laying him down. As Aisha pointed out, it may not always work perfectly, yet it is working perfectly when you have faith in your child (and yourself) to handle the ups and downs of life.

Rude and Defiant

Question:

My name is Vicky and I am a mother of an 11-year-old going on 12. This has been the most trying year I have had with him. He is rude when speaking to others, swears, defiant, disruptive, and argumentative, and lies. He has escalated this year to the point that last night he was kicked out of our Tae kwon Do academy until he can rationalize his behaviours to our Master. I am in the midst of reading Positive Discipline and do believe that it works, at the same time I am struggling with thinking up consequences for these types of behaviour that are both kind and firm.

I was not raised in this form, rather I was raised w/ fear of my father and so I did not do most of these behaviours. I understand the empathy part, but what do I do if I can't empathize with him because I was not in those types of situations? I am at my wits end with him and really would like to have a good relationship with my Son. I am tired of being disappointed and embarrassed by his behaviour. I've told him calmly many times that I want more than anything to praise him more and to have more good times w/ him, unfortunately the battles are coming between us.

Please help

Thank-you


Vicky,

Sorry to be so long responding. By now you have probably read the whole book and found answers to all your challenges. :-)

I can't know for sure, because I don't know all the details; but I think that your son may be responding the many children respond to parenting that is vertical instead of horizontal. Vertical parenting is top-down. It usually involves parents who think they need to "catch" kids being "good" so they can praise or reward them; or "catch them being "bad" so they can punish them. Horizontal parenting means focusing on solutions "together" (and all the other Positive Discipline tools that are both kind and firm at the same time).

Two clues you give that you are still thinking in terms of vertical parenting is that you are looking for consequences that you can "impose" (which is usually disguised punishment), and wanting to "praise him", which is still top down. (Be sure to read about the difference between praise and encouragement.)

I do hope you keep reading the book because you will learn many tools for horizontal parenting including:

1) Family meetings where everyone learns to give and receive compliments, brainstorm for solutions, and plan for family fun.

2) Joint problem solving to focus on solutions together.

3) Helping children "explore" the consequences of their choices through curiosity questions instead of "imposing" consequences on them.

4) Or, allowing children to "experience the consequences of their choices without lecturing or punishing. Show empathy and have faith in them to deal with their feelings and to learn from their mistakes.

5) Making sure the message of love gets through without rescuing or fixing.


Of course there are many more respectful parenting tools that can be used. I'm mentioning just a few.

Sometimes parents need to admit to their children that they have made a mistake and can see how they have helped create a power struggle (or a revenge cycle), and express faith in themselves and in their children that they can find more respectful ways to relate to each other.

Even though I emphasize how important it is to get children involved in solutions, there are times when parents need to "decide what they will do" instead of what they will try to make their children do. When children talk back. the parent may need to decide to leave the room after saying, "I look forward to talking with you later when we can both be respectful.

Vicky, I hope this helps. You may want to seek some parent coaching to help you make some big shifts in your parenting style. There are some Positive Discipline coaches listed on www.posdis.org


Jane Nelsen