Messy Rooms

A member of the Positive Discipline Social Network asked for help regarding the power struggle to get her children to clean up their rooms. I shared the following excerpt from Positive Discipline A-Z by Jane Nelsen, Lynn Lott, and H. Stephen Glenn:


“My children refuse to clean their rooms. They have dirty clothes under the bed, dirty dishes and spoiled food on their dressers, and toys strewn everywhere. No matter how much I nag and complain, we don’t seem to make any progress on their rooms.”

Understanding Your Child, Yourself, and the Situation

Messy rooms and unfinished homework are complaints we hear often from parents of children of all ages. These issues become a real battleground in many families. Often children share rooms, and this becomes another reason for fighting. Some families are comfortable letting the children keep their rooms the way they like them, but it is possible to have a semblance of order in your children’s rooms if that is important to you. Helping your children organize and clean their rooms can be worth the effort, and children learn many valuable life skills through this process. Success requires commitment to time for training and ongoing supervision on your part.

Suggestions

1. With young children, it is important to clean with them so they don’t become overwhelmed. Sit in the middle of the room and pick up a toy, saying, “I wonder where this goes? Can you show me?” Wait until the child puts the toy away and then start over. Do this at least once a week.
2. Many preschool children collect scraps of paper, rocks, string, and other treasures. It is okay to remove these objects when your child is out. If she objects, let her help sort the items, but usually young children don’t miss the clutter and just start collecting again. When children get old enough to notice and care, be respectful of their treasures and leave them alone.
3. It is never too late to "Take Time for Training."  Let your kids know that you will clean their rooms WITH them for two weeks. This can include tips for organizing. Once you know that they know how, you could get them involved in a “morning 3 minute pickup" (a little game to see how much they can do in just 3 minutes), and a "bedtime 3 minute pickup." Let them take turns setting a timer—or get a timer for each of them. Then decide together on a time every Saturday morning when everyone works on cleaning the house together. A lot can get done in 30 to 60 minutes when everyone is working together. This can include each person doing the heavy cleanup in his or her room.
4. You may be part of the problem if you buy your child too many toys. That is easily corrected. Suggest that she choose some to put on a shelf and take down later. You might also suggest that your children clear out toys they no longer play with and give them to a charitable organization, for other kids to enjoy.
5. Do not bribe or reward children for doing what needs to be done. Caring for their rooms is their job to help the family, and they don’t need a prize to do it. Do not connect allowances to cleaning rooms. By the same token, do not threaten to take away your children’s possessions if they don’t take care of them. 
6. Some parents choose to ignore messy rooms. They allow children to keep their rooms any way they want, but get them involved in solutions to keep common rooms clean.
7. Another possibility is to give your child a choice, “Do you want to clean your room or do you want me to? If I clean, I get to throw away anything that seems worthless.” Another choice could be, “Do you want to clean your room, or pay a housekeeper out of your allowance?” Your tone of voice will determine whether or not the choice is received respectfully or as an invitation for a power struggle.
8. For children who argue over sharing a room, suggest they work it out together or at a family meeting.

Planning Ahead to Prevent Future Problems

1. Let your children have a say in how their rooms are decorated. Children have distinct taste in colors and decor, and it is important that their rooms be theirs and not yours. Make sure they have plenty of containers and shelf space for their toys and possessions.
2. With children ages two to ten, it often works to say, “Here is how your room needs to be kept. You may play with your toys or move things around, but put them back the way the room is set up when you are done.” Some children are perfectly happy to comply with your wishes when stated unemotionally. If your children want more involvement, use the other suggestions.
3. During a family meeting set up a routine with your children for cleaning rooms. With school-age children, one that works well is to have the room cleaned before breakfast. If the child forgets, simply turn her plate upside down as a nonverbal reminder to go clean her room before joining the family for breakfast. When children take part in making the plan, they are more likely to cooperate in following through with it. Be realistic about what you consider clean. If children push things under the bed or pull the covers up over wrinkled sheets, let it go.
4. As children get older, it works better to have one day a week when they clean their rooms.  They need to return dirty dishes to the kitchen, put their laundry in the laundry basket, vacuum, dust, and change their sheets. Having a deadline that you enforce works best. For instance, the room must be cleaned before dinner on Saturday. If you aren’t around to enforce the deadline, don’t expect your children to clean their rooms.
5. Twice a year, go through your child’s clothing with her to remove clothing that no longer fits and donate it to a charity like Goodwill or the Salvation Army. You can also put away clothing that is out of season.
6. You may wish to have a discussion about your “minimum standards” for a room, especially as your children get older. You might say, for instance, “I’m not happy with the situation, but I’m willing to live with your room the way you like it as long as my minimum standards are met. They are that the dirty dishes be returned to the kitchen once a week, that the floors get vacuumed once a week, and that the sheets are changed on weekends.”

Life Skills Children Can Learn

Children can learn how to maintain a routine, contribute to the family, organize and care for their possessions, and cooperate. They can also explore their own taste and express their uniqueness in the decoration and organization of their rooms.

Parenting Pointers

1. A clean room may be high on your priority list, but very low on your child’s. If you choose to make this a battle ground, your child may keep a messy room just to win the battle. Keep perspective -- remember that many neat adults were once messy children.
2. Don’t worry that your friends will look at your children’s rooms and wonder about your housekeeping. Your friends can tell the difference between your standards and your children’s.

Booster Thoughts

Krista and her brother Tom loved to decorate their rooms. Every two or three years, their taste would change completely--from circus themes and kittens to baseball players and ballerinas to rock stars and movie heartthrobs. There were times when posters covered every square inch of wall and ceiling space and times when the walls were painted hot pink or black. The rooms reflected their unique personalities, interests, and tastes.

Tom and Krista helped paint their rooms and pick out fabrics for drapes and bedspreads. The posters they wanted would be at the top of their birthday or Christmas wish lists. On occasion, they could be found moving their furniture around into some new arrangement. Some years the rooms were orderly and clean; other years they collected chaos and confusion. Each room usually boasted at least one sign on the door announcing, “Come In,” “Keep Out,” or “Beware.”

These two children were encouraged to be themselves and express the ways in which they are unique. They loved the opportunity to express their individuality, and their parents enjoyed watching each new aspect of their personalities develop. We wish this for you and your children.

Defiance: Where does it come from?

Question:

Dear Jane:

My daughter is 7 3/4. This morning, she left the house and walked to school without saying a word. What is an appropriate disciplinary action for this? I feel that the issues are:

1) Anxiety: in me & her Kindergarten Brother - every morning we walk to school as a family, she snuck out the back door and headed to school. Meanwhile, my son and I were calling around the house, and looking around our property for her. We walked to school hoping that she would be there. My son was worried that Madison would be afraid if we're at school and she was still home. I knew she would be there, but in the back of my mind I did have worry about her safety.

2) Defiance: I believe part of her sneaking out without saying anything was an act of defiance. Earlier she had hit her brother and taken his Pokemon cards away. I had previously told her not to touch his cards while they were getting ready for school - we have a rule about no playing with toys while getting ready or they get taken away and put in my room. After the incident I asked her to give me her Pokemon cards - which she said were lost. I then asked her to think about what else of hers I could hold on to until she figures out how to stop hitting her brother and playing with cards while getting ready.

I was thinking that one angle might be to talk to her about what it means to be in the family, including the privileges; pack up some of her "things", and give her the opportunity to act like a part of the family and earn her things back.

Looking forward to your insight. Jill

Answer:

Hi Jill,

A new theme of Positive Discipline is "Connection before Correction." The first thing you need to do is make a connection with your daughter. There are several ways to do this.

1. Make sure the message of love gets through: Honey, I really love you and I need your help to figure out how to solve this problem.
2. Validate her feelings: Sweetie, I'm wondering if you are feeling angry about what happened this morning? I wonder if it hurt your feelings when I yelled at you and you wanted to hurt me back by leaving without telling me.
3. Name what is going on and take responsibility for your part: I think we are in a power struggle or a revenge cycle and I'm wondering what I have done to create this. Maybe I'm being too bossy and focusing on punishment instead of having faith in you to work out solutions.
4. Try a hug.

Okay, you may be wondering, after the connection--then what? After a connection has been made, children (and adults) exit their mid brain mentality (fight or flight) and enter their rational minds where positive learning can take place. During this time you can focus on a solution instead of a punishment (even if it is called appropriate disciplinary action): Honey, I really would like to hear your version of what happened this morning. I saw you hitting your brother and I'm wondering, and I'm wondering what happened before that. This is where it is important for you to just listen. Don't interrupt and give your explain your point of view. Don't tell her she shouldn't think of feel this way. Just listen and then validate her feelings. Then you can ask, "Would you be willing to hear what happened for me and why I was so upset?"

Children will listen to you AFTER they feel listened too--so long as you don't get into the lecture mode that include blame and shame.

This could be followed by focusing on solutions where both of you can figure out what will work. You might ask if she would like to brainstorm together for solutions right now, or put the problem on the family meeting agenda where the whole family can brainstorm for solutions.
First let me teach you about some preventative methods. If she is feeling defiant, are you willing to take a look at your part in creating that defiance?

It sounds to me like you are talking too much. You do a lot of telling instead of asking. Please look at the two lists below and decide which one might invite defiance if you were a child, and which one might invite cooperation and the opportunity for you to feel capable and responsible?

Telling Parent
Go brush your teeth.
Don't forget your coat.
Go to bed.
Do your homework.
Stop fighting with your brother.
Put your dishes in the dishwasher.
Hurry up and get dressed or you'll miss the bus.
Stop whining.
Pick up your toys.

Asking Parent
1. What do you need to do so your teeth will be squeaky clean?
2. What do you need to take so you will be warm outside?
3. What do you need to do to get ready for bed?
4. What is your plan for doing your homework?
5. What can you and your brother do to solve this problem?
6. What do you need to do with your dishes when you have finished eating?
7. What do you need to do so you catch the bus on time?
8. What words can you use so I can hear you?
9. What do you need to do with your toys when you are finished playing with them?

I hope you did find Positive Discipline A-Z so you can look up "Fighting" for many more ideas on how to deal with sibling rivalry. Please keep one thing in mind. You don't know what your son may have done to provoke your daughter. By taking sides you engage in victim/bully training. You son gets to feel loved by being the victim (and will master this role and learn more ways to provoke so he can get sympathy) and your daughter gets to feel like a defiant bully (and will master this role). Instead, try using the words "kids" or "children." "I have faith in you kids that you can work out this problem. Let me know when you have found a solution."

I hope you will start having regular family meetings so your children can learn many valuable social and life skills that will help them develop a sense that they are capable and have a lot to contribute with their good ideas for solving problems.

My best to you.

Is Positive Discipline Permissive?

Question:

I love your books! They have taught me so much about parenting in a non putative way, very different from the way I was raised. I have two daughters 12 and 14, and my husband has two sons 11 and 15. He has an authoritarian mindset when it comes to discipline, and I am using the Positive Discipline techniques I learned from you. My daughters are used to the positive approaches I use, and when we blended they were shocked and resentful of their stepfather's approach. I have shown him your book and he agrees with some things, but other things he thinks are ridiculous, that they are too permissive and lets children do what they want. I have expressed my concerns with his approach with my daughters but he feels he should not have to change. I then resorted to asking him to just back off from disciplining my daughters because I am uncomfortable with his methods, and that I would handle the disciplining of the girls, and he refused. I am getting no where. Any thoughts?

I tried to find your book, Positive Discipline for Blended Families, but couldn't find it anywhere. Where can I get a copy?

Thanks!!!!!

Julie

Answer:

It is a common mistake for some to believe that Positive Discipline is permissive. In fact, many parents who are so against punishment may become permissive. However, I believe that permissiveness could be even more harmful to kids than punishment. Permissiveness creates weakness in children. They don't develop beliefs in their own capability and resiliency. They develop attitudes of entitlement and are very unpleasant to be around. They seem to think the world "owes them." They don't learn important social and life skills for self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation, respect for others, and problem-solving skills. So, I can certainly understand your husbands reluctance to go the permissive route. I'm not sure how to convince him that Positive Discipline is not permissive.

It might help if he read the article titled, "I was punished, and I turned out fine" that can be found at www.positivediscipline.com

Julie it might help if he understood that kindness and firmness are equally important in Positive Discipline. It might help if he understood that punishment is designed to make kids "pay" for what they have done, while Positive Discipline is designed to help children "learn" from what they have done by focusing on solutions. Positive Discipline helps children learn to use their power in "useful" ways through family meetings, choices, and focusing on solutions, so they don't use their power to rebel.

Most parents don't realize that even though punishment works short term to stop misbehavior, it has damaging long-term results in that children are left with a sense of doubt and shame or resentment and revenge. Parents don't understand that brain and how much more effective it is to wait until everyone has had time to calm down before discussing a problem. They don't understand how important it is to create a "connection before correction." Many research studies have shown that a sense of connection is the number one predictor of "good" behavior.

One other thing we point out in Positive Discipline for Step Families, is that both parents can feel comfortable engaging in discipline (not just the birth parent), when the discipline they use is kind and firm at the same time with a focus on teaching valuable social and life skills while helping children feel capable with the sense of self work in tact.

Child Won’t Eat Without Being Nagged

Question:

We have a family dinner time, in which we are supposed to sit down together and eat and talk and share our day. My 4 year old does not eat with out being nagged at and/or fed. He plays around until my husband gets upset and we both end up telling him over and over and over to eat, then I usually shovel a few bites in his mouth, with his resistance, and I call it good. My husband gets upset because I have a rule that we all sit down until everyone is finished, loosely interpreted as we all sit down until my son is done, he is pretty good about asking to be excused or stating that he is done. If he doesn't eat anything I tell him there will be nothing later to eat, no candy, no dessert etc…. Some days he will eat a few bites and ask if that is enough to get candy. Sometimes the meal isn't anything that he likes, but I always try and incorporate something that I know he does like, so he can choose what he wants to eat. I am tired of nagging and it's not working anyway and I know it is wrong to use candy as an incentive to eat, but I just don't know what to do. My question is how do you have a pleasant dinner time without nagging and feeding my 4 year old?

Answer:
Hi Melanie,

I'll start by answering your last question--by putting food on the table and then ignoring what he eats or doesn't eat. Too many parents get too involved in trying to control what and how their children eat. He has you well trained to give him a lot of undue attention. Of course, you should also eliminate candy and desserts from your home for awhile. There has been a lot of research that show that children will choose a balanced variety of food when they have the opportunity to choose and are left alone, but sugar interferes with the body's craving for good food.

The following excerpt from Positive Discipline A-Z by Jane Nelsen, Lynn Lott, and H. Stephen Glenn may help you gain a better understanding of what is going on, as well as some more ideas about how to solve the problem. (This book covers just about every behavior challenge you can think of.)

Mealtime Hassles
“My kids’ table manners are atrocious. They get up and down during the meal, grab food across the table, and complain about my cooking. One of my kids is always on a diet and another one will only eat hot dogs. I thought mealtimes were supposed to be a pleasant family event?”

Understanding Your Child, Yourself, and the Situation
You are correct. Mealtime should nourish both the body and the soul. Too many families forget this and turn mealtime into a nightmare of corrections, nagging, threats, fighting, and individual grandstanding—if they even have a mealtime. Many families take the kids out for fast food, or everyone eats at a different time of day. In some families, the kitchen is open all day with family members grabbing snacks whenever they feel hungry. While some children seem to survive on a unhealthy diet, there is an epidemic of overweight children and adults. Quite often, instead of providing healthy choices and trusting your kids to eat when they are hungry and stop when they are not, you inadvertently interfere in this natural process. Without knowing it, you could be planting the seeds for eating disorders. We have several suggestions to make mealtime a place where your family can have a positive experience together, eat healthy foods, and enjoy each other’s company. It starts with you.

Suggestions
1. At least once a day, sit down as a family and eat a meal together. Do not eat in front of the television. Adults should sit down and eat with the kids—at a table. Occasionally set the table with flowers, candles, or place mats, or eat in the dining room to create a special experience for the family.
2. If kids know it’s okay to choose what they will or won’t eat, they are less apt to complain. Don’t try to force your child to eat anything. Do not insist on children eating everything on their plates or tasting every food. Don’t give your child a lot of undue attention if they refuse to eat something.
3. It is normal for young children to play with their food, spill their milk, and drop food on the floor. Behavior appropriate for their ages is not misbehavior. Clean up spills, let kids finger-paint in their food, and let the dog eat what drops or put a plastic sheet under your young child. Teach your children to help you clean up the mess.
4. Let your kids serve themselves and do not discuss what they eat or don’t eat. Simply clear their plates at the end of the meal (fifteen to twenty minutes is plenty of time).
5. If kids complain about your cooking, tell them it’s okay not to eat what they don’t like, but it hurts the chef when people complain. With a young child, when he says, “I don’t like this,” remove his plate and say, “Okay, you don’t have to eat it.” That usually ends the complaining very quickly.
6. Some families allow children to make themselves a sandwich or tortilla with cheese if they don’t like the meal. This is better than cooking special dishes for each child.
7. If you think your children’s behavior has become too obnoxious, you might try deciding what you will do instead of trying to control your children. Pick up your plate and go to another room to eat.
8. Don’t panic when your child says she is going on a diet. Wait and watch to see what really happens. She may say one thing and do another.
9. Don’t perpetuate secrets. Let your child know that you saw her make herself throw up (or any other unhealthy behavior that you have seen). Ask what steps she will take about her eating problem and what help she needs from you.
10. If dysfunctional eating patterns, such as anorexia nervosa (self-starvation) or bulimia (binging and purging) persist, get information from an eating disorder clinic, a dietician, or therapist about possibilities for help. This is particularly important if there is any history of addiction within the family since there can be a correlation between family history and eating disorders.
11. If your child decides to become a vegetarian or try out any other health conscious new way of eating, ask your child how you can be supportive. Don’t make fun of your child or insist he or she eat the way you do, or treat the new habit as an eating disorder. Many vegetarians made the decision to change their eating as very young children. If you are a vegetarian and your child insists on eating meat, the same advice applies. Do not force your way of eating on your children.

Planning Ahead to Prevent Future Problems
1. Schedule your meals. (But allow snacking on healthy things -- don’t make children wait until they are overly hungry to eat.) Stress that mealtime is a time to share stories about the day, visit with each other, and share the good feelings of being together as a family.
2. When children complain about the food, it may be time to involve them in choosing what they eat, at least one night a week. Let each child cook dinner one night a week. Even small kids can tear lettuce leaves, open a can of beans, and make a simple salad.
3. Plan with kids what they can do to contribute. Talk about the different jobs that need to be done, such as setting the table, cooking dinner, washing the dishes, and feeding the pets.
4. Do not bring junk foods into the house. Of course children won’t eat regular meals when they have filled up on snacks or junk foods. Especially avoid products that contain sugar. Sugar can really mess up the body’s natural craving for good foods.
5. Provide healthy snacks. It is fine if your children don’t eat because they have filled up on cheese, carrot sticks, or other healthy snacks. Who said good food should be eaten only at mealtimes?
6. Practice good table manners at a time other than mealtime, or choose one night a week to practice. Make it fun. Exaggerate.
7. During a family meeting, get the whole family involved in planning ways to make mealtime enjoyable for everyone.
8. Look at your own attitudes about weight, food, and eating patterns and what they may be suggesting to your children. Are you saying things like, “Finish everything on your plate,” and then later getting upset because your child is overweight? Do you tell your kids they can’t eat between meals, which may encourage them to binge at mealtimes? Are there other ways you are unconsciously trying to control your child’s food intake?

Life Skills Children Can Learn
Children can learn that they are not going to get in trouble at the table, so they don’t have to sidetrack their parents with bad manners. The table is a fun place to be, and there are many positive ways to get attention by joining in and being part of the family. Children can learn that they can develop a taste for foods on their own schedule. They can learn that they will not be pressured to eat what they don’t want, nor will be they be given special service. Children can learn that respect is a two way street.

Parenting Pointers
1. You can help your child learn to listen to his or her feelings and body wisdom instead of training the child to be an overeater to please you or a picky eater to defeat you. Think of how many overweight adults were members of the “Clean Plate Club” as children, and have completely lost touch with the meaning of the word “hungry.”
2. If you see mealtime as a time to make kids eat and to lecture about manners, the kids will probably pay you back with bad manners. If your attitude is that meals are one of the special times that families can share together, the kids probably reflect that thinking.
3. At different stages of development, your children’s bodies may not fit the national ideal, so be patient with them and with yourself. When all else fails, trust your sense of what is normal for your children.
4. Encourage regular exercise. Turn off the television and kick the kids off the couch if necessary.
5. We have talked to people who were raised during the Depression. They say picky eating was never a problem. Parents didn’t make a fuss when a child didn’t want to eat because there often wasn’t enough to go around. When children didn’t get any “mileage” out of being a picky eater, they ate what was available or went hungry.

Booster Thoughts
One of our toddlers participated in a university preschool program where they put all kinds of foods on the lunch table and allowed kids to eat what they wanted. Sometimes he would eat cake first, and sometimes he would eat broccoli first. The main thesis of this program was that children would naturally choose foods that would balance out to good nutrition (over time) when they were allowed to choose from a variety of nutritious foods--without anyone making a fuss.
—-
One mother thought it was her job to control what her daughter ate. If her daughter didn’t eat her oatmeal for breakfast, Mom would give it to her for lunch. If she didn’t eat the oatmeal for lunch, Mom would give it to her for dinner. Of course, her daughter refused to eat it. The daughter became sick. A doctor discovered she was developing rickets. It was more important for the daughter to win the power struggle than to eat.
When the doctor learned what was happening, he said, “Please put good food on the table, and then leave your daughter alone.” When the mother did this, her daughter started eating better. Not perfect, but better.
—-
The first time I sat down to eat a meal with my new stepchildren and their grandparents, I was dismayed at the number of comments that were made about the youngest’s eating habits. He was coaxed to try this, that, and another thing, he was labeled the family’s “picky eater,” I was told that he doesn’t eat vegetables or fruit, etc. Of course he was a picky eater, getting tons of negative attention and also engaging in a power contest at every meal.

School Code of Conduct

Question:

Do you have any articles on School Code of Conduct?

I am on a committee in a Junior High School (Grade 7-9) for the purpose of developing a code of conduct for the students to follow.

• Some of the issues we wish to address:
• behavior between classes (in the corridors)


• behavior on the school bus (I have read your article about bus behavior on your home page)


• giving/showing respect


• consequences of negative behavior

I was hoping to get ideas from other schools and professionals to present to the committee members in preparing our own code of conduct.
Any help you can give would be appreciated.

Thanks



Answer:

Hi Mary,

Our book Positive Discipline in the Classroom addresses a school code of conduct directly and indirectly. I would like to start with your issue of giving/showing respect. We believe in mutual respect -- that it is equally important for teachers and all school personnel to show respect for students as well as visa versa. The most important way to show respect to students is to involve them in problem-solving. When students are involved in creating a code of conduct they have an investment in it and are motivated to cooperate.

Instead of consequences for negative behavior we have found it much more effective to allow students to use problems as an opportunity to learn problem-solving skills. I won't take the time or space to repeat the whole book here, but Positive Discipline in the Classroom includes the eight building blocksfor effective class meetings -- a process that answers all your questions. During class meetings students learn to "help each other" find non-punitive solutions to problems. Students feel empowered to improve their behavior when they are treated with respect, when they are listened to, and when they have their thoughts and ideas taken seriously and validated.

It is amazing what happens when teachers take the problem of behavior between classes (in the corridors) to students and ask them to develop guidelines -- or any other problem. Another useful book is, Positive Discipline A Teacher's A-Z Guide. The article you read about bus behavior is from that book. Following is another article about lunchroom behavior that illustrates the essence of what I'm trying to convey in answer to your questions. I'm sure you will see how the suggestions could be adapted to corridor behavior. The article gives suggestions for all ages of students, (the example of utensils being thrown in the trash was handled in a 7th grade class). Teachers can choose the suggestions that fit best for their grade level -- or adapt others.

I hope this helps, Mary, and that you will come to our home page often.

LUNCHROOM BEHAVIOR

From book Positive Discipline A Teacher's A-Z Guide, by Jane Nelsen, Roslyn Duffy, Linda Escobar, Kate Ortolano, and Debbie Owen-Sohocki

DISCUSSION

To "Do Lunch" means to let go of responsibilities, forget routine and to socialize extensively for a very short period of time. When the people who are "Doing Lunch" are students within a school, the potential for chaos is great. It is important to acknowledge that students need a break from their routine. It is also important that they learn to find a balance between relaxing and respecting others. Behavior in the lunchroom is a good indicator of the leadership style of school personnel. Misbehavior in the lunchroom could tell us that the leadership style is one of control. A controlling leadership style invites rebellion, resistance, and a lack of self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation and social interest. Cooperative lunchroom behavior could tell us that the school personnel leadership style is democratic. A democratic leadership style invites students to learn self-discipline,responsibility, cooperation and social interest.

SUGGESTIONS:

Anytime you see a problem behavior, simply ask the students involved what they are supposed to be doing according to the rules they helped create. (See No. 1 in Planning Ahead to Prevent Future Problems.) Often this is enough to motivate a student to change her behavior.
Another possibility is to describe the behavior you see: "I notice you are throwing food. I notice you are yelling. I notice you did not pick up your trash." Then ask, "Can you correct this problem, or would you like to put the problem on the class meeting agenda for a discussion if you don't agree with the rules, or to get help from the class?"

Admit that the behavior is a problem for you (such as loud shouting, shoving, running) even though it may not be a problem as far as the students are concerned. Ask the student if she would be willing to help you by working on a solution to the problem.

When the noise level in a lunchroom is very high, we believe that we must speak in voice that competes with that noise. Rather than yelling, lean close to the student or students and speak in a soft tone of voice.

Put all the students in the same boat. When a student at a table is throwing food, involve all of the students at that table in the clean up. "As soon as this table is cleaned up you may leave."
Let the student table monitor handle the misbehavior. (Student table monitors should be trained in methods to gain cooperation respectfully, such as using the suggestions herein. Otherwise they may try to act like dictators and invite resistance and rebellion.)

Hand a copy of the appropriate lunchroom behavior list to a table or student and ask them in a quiet voice to locate the misbehavior that they need to work on. Thank them for their cooperation.

Use a class meeting to discuss problems with behavior in the lunchroom. Invite lunchroom aides to put items on the agenda and to be present for discussion and problem-solving.

PLANNING AHEAD TO PREVENT FUTURE PROBLEMS

During a class meeting ask each class to brainstorm typical lunchroom problems and then create rules that will prevent or solve the problems. (We cannot emphasize enough how powerful it is to invite students to solve problems so they will feel respected and motivated to follow rules they have helped create.) Students enjoy role playing disrespectful lunchroom behavior followed by a role play of respectful behavior.

Invite lunchroom personnel to visit class meetings and share their concerns and ask for help and solutions. Many students are not aware of how their behavior causes problems for others.

To get students more involved in maintaining appropriate lunchroom behavior, introduce a system of students monitoring their own behavior. A position is created called a rotating monitor who ensures and respectfully motivates appropriate behavior and cleanup.

Have students from the upper grades sit with younger classes to help monitor and teach proper lunchroom behavior.

Acknowledge and validate your students need for relaxation and a break from their classroom routine. Share your own need for a lunch break. Balance this with a discussion of behavior which respects others and the property of the school.

Don't expect perfection, but keep working for improvement. Whenever something doesn't work, or works only for a short time, put it back on the class meeting agenda so the kids can discuss it and work on another solution or renewed interest in their old solution.

CLASS MEETING SOLUTIONS

During a two-day Positive Discipline in the Classroom workshop at a Navajo Reservation School, the cafeteria personnel complained about the students throwing their utensils in the garbage barrels when they scraped their food trays. A representative from the cafeteria came to a 7th grade class meeting. The students offered several suggestions. The one they chose to implement was taking turns as utensil monitors at the garbage barrels.

After about a month they decided they no longer needed utensil monitors because the students were being more respectful of school property, and were no longer throwing utensils in the garbage.

Mrs. T., an aide working in the lunchroom, put an item on the agenda for Mr. Wong's fifth grade class meeting. She shared that she was frustrated because she was having to spend a great deal of time over by the fifth grade area because of their behavior and because of the mess they were making. Mr. Wong asked her if she would like some problem-solving help and have the students in the class come up with a solution to the problem. She agreed. The class brain stormed many ideas and voted to try one which appealed to them because it involved them more in the solution.

They chose to start a system in which a student monitor at each table would be responsible to help maintain order and to make sure that students did not leave the area until any messes were cleaned up. They decided to make this position one that rotated among the students seated at the table. They were excited about trying this and agreed to work with this system for a week and then report back at the class meeting. Mrs. T. came to their meeting one week later and was delighted to be able to talk with the students about the changes she had seen. She told them that she wanted them to share their system with other classes in the school. They immediately started making plans about how they would spread the word about the system they had created.

Family Meeting Gone Bad

Question:

Hi Jane,

I was hoping you could help me out here.

In the beginning of Chapter 9 "Family Meetings" in your book "Positive Discipline" there is an example of a family who came up with a solution to things not being picked up, cleaned up, etc. They used a plan with a "safe deposit box" where anyone could pick up something left on the floor and put it in this box in the garage, where contents would be on hold for one week.

I have three children 14, 12, and 9. I planned a similar exercise with them. However, the exercise quickly became competitive and if one of the kids had taken off their shoes to watch TV and stepped out to go to the bathroom, another would seized the opportunity to make off with the shoes. For the next two days, I became the referee of minor infractions. such as, "does it count if I leave the room to go to the bathroom but am coming right back?" When I told them it was OK if you were going to the bathroom and coming right back, the rule started to be distorted and abused in several variations.

I told them several times that this was not meant to be a competitive, "get your sister/brother" game. The point was to hold your self and others accountable for leaving their stuff around the house. The kids were getting very upset with each other and with me (the referee).

I didn't see this one coming! Perhaps I shouldn't allow the children to put things into the "safe deposit box". What do you think?

Thanks, Mike

Answer:

Hi Mike,.

Thanks for asking. Rudolf Dreikurs used to say, "The solution for democracy that doesn't work is more democracy." I'm trying to read between the lines of your question and am just guessing about a few things, so I could be wrong. The first problem I see is that you say "you" planned a similar exercise for them. It would be okay if you suggested it, but plans always work better if kids choose it or agree to it. It would go something like this:

You would put the problem of picking things up on the family meeting agenda. Then the whole family would brainstorm for solutions. You might suggest a "deposit box." Then the kids (and you--a consensus) would choose which of the brainstormed solutions you all thought would work. If they chose the deposit box, and you agreed, you would all brainstorm for the rules to go along with it. For example, could anyone go get their stuff any time? Would they have to wait a week? Would they put a dime in the jar (for pizza later) when they got something out? Etc.

Then, when things go wrong and they ask you questions, you say, "I don't know. Put it on the agenda and we'll talk about it at our next family meeting." Then just let them deal with it until the next meeting. Leave the room so they can't get you involved.

You might put the problem of "competition" on the agenda and when it comes up at a meeting; ask the kids to help you understand what that is all about--and then listen. (It is so difficult for most parents, including me, to avoid those lectures.)

The fact that your kids are so competitive at this time is very normal--and is all the more reason to have regular family meetings to help them learn to focus on solutions that work for everyone. Remember that it takes time for kids to learn new skills and things often get worse before they get better. Give it some time and give me an update on how it goes. I wish you the best.

Jane Nelsen

www.positivediscipline.com

PS. Mike, I just checked Positive Discipline and found the points you missed

. The problem was shared in a family meeting. The children created the solution.
. Mom and Dad did not take over responsibility when problems arose in carrying out the family’s decision.
. The children enforced the rules because Mom and Dad stayed out of it.

Enthusiastic about their successes with Positive Discipline

It is always fun to interview someone who is so enthusiastic about their successes with Positive Discipline. Following is the email I received from Stephanie Peterson-Ferrel before calling her for an interview. Be sure to check out her website. Her writing is humorous and captures the feelings of many people.

Dr. Nelsen,

I'm not sure where to even start with my success story. I guess a little background would be helpful. Feel free to use only what you think is appropriate.

When I had my oldest, I was a young mom, and my own parents were pretty "traditional" in their methods of discipline - if I made a mistake, I was spanked or grounded. If I did well, I got lots of "attagirls". Naturally, I felt like this would work out for me with my own children. After all, I turned out "fine", didn't I? When my son was about three, there was a night when I overreacted to something he'd done. I won't go into the shameful details, but I made a decision that night that I wouldn't hit my kid again. Seeing that small child afraid of me was enough for me to stop and say, "Whoa. What am I doing??" And that was the end of spanking as a method of discipline in our house...well, most of the time.

It was very hard for me to give up spanking as a method of discipline as it seemed so effective, and I really had no "replacement" for it, other than yelling and nagging. Over the past decade since my decision to stop hitting, I'm ashamed to say I've struck my children in anger and frustration. Not often, but often enough that I'm squirming now just thinking about it. I can very clearly recall the last time I struck either of my kids (it happened to be my then 5 year old daughter), and the thought that went through my mind was, "There has got to be a better way. This isn't helping anyone." I promptly apologized to my daughter, and she forgave me. Kids are better than adults at forgiveness, I think.

After that last time I hit my child, I started voraciously reading parenting websites and magazines. I frequented parenting message boards. I asked for advice from mothers I knew. I was desperately searching for a method that could work for me and my children. I was seeing signs that my son was alternating between being a praise junkie and being completely rebellious. My seven year old daughter was trying her hardest to be the "perfect" child, and she was terribly hard on herself when she fell short of her standards, even though we weren't terribly hard on her. I just knew I had to find something and fast. Unfortunately, my piecemeal approach to parenting wasn't giving me the results I wanted.

A friend linked me to www.positivediscipline.com, and I was hooked by the "What is Positive Discipline?" section. I wanted to know more. I wanted our home to be one filled with love and mutual respect. I wanted my kids to be confident and self-reliant. I wanted them to think for themselves, so they could make good decisions on their own. Really, what parent doesn't want these things? I immediately ordered "Positive Discipline" and "Positive Discipline A-Z". I've read and re-read both of them, and in a matter of weeks, we've seen a remarkable difference in our home. (And PD A-Z has been a lifesaver more than once. Getting out of the "punishment" mindset is so much easier when you have actual suggestions to replace your former manner of handling things.)
The first thing my husband and I worked on was the idea that we had to make our kids feel bad for them to do better. (Did you realize how mind-blowing that line would be when you wrote it?) We sat and talked about it, and we really thought (for the first time) about how ineffective it is. Neither of us do better when we feel worse. Why would we think the kids were different? Once we got that idea straight, a lot of the rest of it came more easily. We've started family meetings (I love these!), and at first, the kids were suspicious. They figured it would be just another time for Mom and Dad to lecture. They've since realized that their input is valuable and more importantly, that it's heard, and they participate enthusiastically. (Yes, even my teenager.)

Another thing that's changed is how often our children fight with each other. Without the "payoff" of Mom or Dad getting involved, they seem to be able to resolve their arguments with a minimum of fuss. The first few times they heard, "I have faith that you can work this out yourselves," they both rolled their eyes and huffed off. Since then, though, they've realized I'm serious, and they work it out themselves. Joy!

I think the absolute hardest part really has been to stay out of things. So many times, I find myself wanting to "fix" things for them, and since reading PD, I've realized I'm not fixing anything. I'm robbing them of their ability to learn from their mistakes and to become capable of making their own decisions. I've spent a lot of time in Positive Time-Out learning to keep my big yap shut, but again -- it's been worth every bit of effort. My son who was previously incapable (or so I thought) of doing his homework without reminders (read: nagging) now does his homework on his own. My daughter has learned that making a mistake is just not a big deal, and I've seen her ease up on the need to be the "perfect" child.

I could go on and on here, but I've already written way more than I'd planned. I do expect to be able to provide even more success stories as time goes on, as my youngest isn't even a year old. (That was another thing I really related to in your book - I have "before, during and after" kids, too.)

Thank you so much,

Stephanie Peterson-Ferrel

3 ½-year-old Tantrums

Question:

I just entered the world of Positive Discipline and I love it. I feel like I can be a really great mother-even more than I already am.

I feel challenged with my 3 ½ year old! He is very specific about things. If he gets something in his mind, it must be that way, or he cries, sometimes until he falls asleep (up to an hour of crying)! For example, if I walk off the sidewalk to get somewhere faster, I get a tantrum. If I flush the toilet-not him–tantrum. If I get a spoon for breakfast–tantrum.

 Even more is when he wants me to do something a specific way, like picking up his shoes; he will stand 2 inches from the shoes and cry for me to get them while I’m holding the baby, a bag and we’re standing in the rain! This is so frustrating because I know he can do it. Is it right for me to be strict and expect him to do these things (my way)? How do I get him to want to do it himself? Is this just a phase because I have even looked up OCD online?

Am I right in understanding the only ways to help calm tantrums are Sympathizing, Ignoring and Hugs? Ignoring and sympathizing cause a tantrum to last even longer. Hugs work, but what if I’m driving, do I pull over? And will they work every time? I know you can’t answer that, but what I mean is if you use hugs all the time, does the child catch on and think, “I know what she’s doing and it isn’t going to work this time? Or do they just love the extra love.

Thank you for a new outlook to parenting. I am really excited to be a more loving mom-all the time, not just when we’re laughing. J

Answer:

Dear J,

I’m getting a lot of questions with this theme, so I have to wonder what is going on. Not that it hasn’t always been a theme. I know that my seven children all wanted what they wanted when they wanted it. It just seems to me that the persistence is stronger in children today. I have a hunch that it is because their persistence works.

I keep wondering if parents are just a little too child centered these days. As you know, I believe that children should be treated with dignity and respect, but I think it is easy to go to extremes. For example, I think it is very sad when adults cause children to suffer through punishment, guilt, and shame. On the other hand, I think it is sad when parents don’t “allow” children to suffer.

There is a huge difference. When adults cause children to suffer, they impose punishments or guilt and shame. When they don’t “allow” children to suffer it is because they rescue, over-protect, or fix every problem. This robs children of developing their disappointment muscles. It robs them of learning that they can survive upset and end up learning resiliency and feeling capable. Allowing children to suffer doesn’t mean to be mean. Parents can be very supportive when a child is suffering. They can validate feelings, “I can see this is very hard for you.” They can hold a child on their lap for comfort, without saying a word. They can show faith in the child to handle problems—even when it is difficult. Sometimes showing faith is shown in your energy, not in anything you do.

Now, let’s see how this applies to your question. Here are some suggestions:

Let him have his feelings without thinking you need to rescue him or make him change his feelings. This can be difficult, but it will show in your energy even if you don’t do anything.
Validate his feelings. Try to mirror what he is feeling. “I can see that you are really angry.”

You know how much I like hugs. If he is willing, just give him a hug. The purpose is not to take away his feelings, but to give support as long as he needs it. Listen to a podcast on this theme The Power of a Hug.

Use your sense of humor. “Eeeeeek. I made a huge mistake when I flushed the toilet.”
He may be old enough to create his own positive time out (which is nothing like the naughty chair). You can also create a positive time out plan for yourself and let him know in advance when you will use it.

I am now working on a new theme for Positive Discipline that I think will take it to new levels. That theme is “Connection before Correction.” There is so much research that shows that we can’t really influence children is a positive way until we create a connection with them. Punishment does not create a connection, nor do lectures, nagging, scolding, blaming or shaming. So what does?

Before sharing effective way to create a connection with children, I want to point out that it is a mistake to think that giving children whatever they want is a good way to make a connection. Rescuing, fixing, and over-protecting are not good ways to make a connection. Effective connections are made when both child and adult feel belonging and significance--even though it is the adult who takes the first step.

Some of these steps to connection have already been mentioned in the suggestions above. I’ll repeat them here for this context:

• Listening. Really listening—giving a child your full attention
• Validating feelings.
• Sharing your feelings when appropriate. Remember that children will listen to you AFTER they feel listened to.
• Focusing on solutions WITH children after a cooling off period.
• Taking time for respectful training during calm times.
• Asking curiosity questions to help children explore the consequences of their choices instead of imposing consequences on them.
• Teaching valuable life skills that help children feel capable. Just one example is helping them create their own positive time out space and creating routine charts with them, not for them.
• Having faith in children to handle their own problems. (Offering support through validating feelings or just giving a hug, but not rescuing or fixing.)
• Spending special time with children.
• Hugs.

Now to discuss correction. It is very important to understand that correction the Positive Discipline way is very different from conventional correction. The biggest difference is that conventional correction usually involves punishment (punitive time-out, grounding, and taking away privileges being the most common). In other words, conventional correction consists of adults doing something TO children. Positive Discipline correction consists of the many tools presented in all of the Positive Discipline books that show parents and teachers how to do correction that respectfully involves children whenever possible. It is interesting to note that all of the steps for connection also work for correction. They are things adults do WITH children, not TO or FOR children.

Other methods for correction, to name just a two, are family and class meetings and joint problem-solving. These are very powerful tools that respectfully involve children to learn and use their personal power in contributing ways. As you learn about the many Positive Discipline tools, notice that they are all designed to create a connection before respectful correction.

Son Prefers Cookies

Question:

Hi Jane,

My son has decided that he really likes cookies and prefers them over a lot of other foods. We often serve him his normal, healthy food and tell him that if he finishes it or eats a few more bites, he can have a cookie. The power struggle between us and him is getting more difficult and time consuming. It is frustrating because it is hard to communicate to a child why he should eat food that doesn't taste as good as cookies, I can definitely understand his view!

Brad

Answer:

Hi Brad,

You don't say how old your son is, but in any case I would have the same advice. Stop buying cookies. This reminds me of a true story I tell in Positive Discipline about a woman who told me her daughter didn't want to eat anything but potato chips. I asked her where her daughter got the potato chips and she said, "I buy them because she won't eat anything else." I don't mean to be disrespectful, but, "Duh!"

If you stop buying cookies, your son may have temper tantrums. Kindly validate his feelings of disappointment and don't say anything else. Allow him to have his feelings, but remain firm about not buying cookies. This is one example of the foundation principle of Positive Discipline--to be kind and firm at the same time.

If you get the principle of what I'm saying, it will expand into other situations. For example, put good food on the table and have healthy snacks available in a drawer or in the fridge. Then don't say a word about what he eats. When dinner time is over, clear off the table and throw away or store anything he hasn't eaten. When he complains that he is still hungry, smile and say something like, "I'll bet you are. I love you and I have faith in you. I'm sure you can figure out what to do about that." Then keep your mouth shut. He'll figure out that he can get the healthy snacks, or eat more at the next meal.

I have started emphasizing the importance of "connection before correction." For an excellent example go to the podcast where I interview Marianne McGinnis http://www.positivediscipline.com/podcast/index.html #49 and the supporting article on my blog at http://blog.positivediscipline.com/2007/10/workshop-results.html

I hope this helps.
Jane Nelsen

Workshop Results

Hi Jane,

As far as I am concerned, the workshop is far from over! I've been reading all my books, Understanding Serenity, Positive Discipline for Teenagers, Positive Discipline A to Z, the main Positive Discipline Book.—as well as listening to your CDS. Your philosophy on living and parenting, your principles about living and parenting—your way of living in general—give me more hope than anything else I have ever come across. I am truly inspired, and am already incorporating many of the tools—family meetings, remembering that mistakes are opportunities to learn, asking what and how curiosity questions, looking for solutions instead of blame, sharing encouraging messages (I have faith in you, is my fav.) and always getting the message of love across.

Not only are my boys responding with more love and helpful behavior—I can see how encouraged and inspired they are! I'm not shutting them down anymore. My husband also loves my new attitude.

I used to be so busy and would feel so helpless about "getting my kids to behave." I was the classic controlling, punitive, nagging parent—until I'd feel so mean that I'd run out and get my kids a present. I also used to do everything myself because I could always do it faster and better—now I realize how I was taking away the opportunity for my kids to be involved and to learn valuable lessons about being contributing members of society.

I could go on and on.

I hope to see you again soon! Take care,

Marianne McGinnis

Positive Time-Out—You First

Create a positive time out plan for yourself. It could be a soak in the tub, getting in the shower (where kids can’t follow), going into the bathroom, locking the door, and turning on the stereo, taking a short walk (if your kids are old enough), sitting on the floor in the lotus position and chanting—whatever works for you. Let your kids know your plan and that you will use it when you need to calm down. Be sure they know this is “for” you, not “against” them.

Does this seem like a novel idea—for you to take some time-out instead of sending your children to time-out? We all know that example is the best teacher. Sachiko Jordan, a member of the Southern CA Positive Discipline Mentor group, shares how effective it was for her to use time-out for herself.

When I read “Positive Discipline,” I liked the idea decide what you will do instead of what you make your child do. So, I decided to take a break (time-out) when I am not able to talk to my 3 ½ year-old son, Kazuya, with respect. I talked to my son and told him what I would do next time I got upset instead of sending him to punitive “time out.” I told him that I would go to my office (extra bedroom) to calm myself down and that I would come out when I was ready to talk to him nicely. I also told him while he was waiting for me to calm down, he could play or he could knock on the door when he was ready to talk to me.

The time came! We had a conflict and I was very upset. I told him that I would go upstairs as I promised. He looked at me and said, “NO!” I ignored his comment and briefly said, “See you in few minuets,” and went to my office. I heard him sobbing and I did not feel comfortable. I was anxious about whether or not this would work. Well, 5 minutes later he knocked on my door and said, “Mommy, I am ready to talk to you.” He was not crying anymore. I opened the door and gave him a big hug and said, “I am ready to talk to you too. Thank you for coming to let me know you are ready.” Then, we took turns talking about how we felt at the time of the conflict. We went through this process several times.

One day, Kazuya was not in a good mood and started whining when he was told to get ready to go grocery shopping. We were not in a hurry and I did not want to say anything to him. I gave him a hug and said, “I will take time out.” He did not say anything and did not seem upset. When I got upstairs, I noticed he was just behind me. I thought he would try to get me. I was wrong! He was walking towards to his room. “Mommy, I take time out, too. I play with my race cars.”

When I heard that comment, my time-out was technically over. I had big smile on my face. I wanted to say, “Forget about time-out! Let’s play.” However, I didn’t do it because I knew he was not ready and needed some time to calm down. I knocked on his door after five minutes to see if he was ready to play with me for 10 minutes before we would be ready to go. He was very happy to play with me for 10 minutes and had fun with grocery shopping.

I knew time-out was not really recommended for children under the age of 4-years-old. However, when I read Positive Discipline, I instantly felt that positive time-out would work for my son. I learned the value of modeling positive time-out by going to my time-out instead of sending him to time-out. I spent a lot of time explaining PTO to him and allowed him to knock on my door when he was ready to talk to me. I also decided not to lock myself in the bathroom. I chose a PTO place next to his room where my son knew it would be unlocked all the time. I am very happy that PTO is one of most effective Positive Discipline techniques for my son—to teach him self-control until he is ready to interact lovingly and joyfully!!!

Sachiko’s story so beautifully illustrates several positive discipline concepts.

1) Modeling. Sachiko was able to communicate that positive time out is not a bad thing since she is so willing to do it herself. Children love to follow our lead—much more than being pushed to do what we want.

2) Combining positive discipline tools. Sachiko combined modeling positive time-out with “deciding what you will do.” Sachiko couldn’t make her son give up his temper tantrum, but she could decide to take care of herself until he was ready to interact cooperatively.

3) Being kind and firm at the same time. Sachiko provides an excellent of kind and firm when she hugs her child while remaining firm.

4) Planning in advance, including children when possible, and/or informing children in advance what you plan to do. Sachiko applied these tools when modeling positive time-out, and in her next story.

Sachiko wanted to involve her child in finding solutions to challenges. One challenge they faced was her son’s resistance to leaving the park when it was time. She involved him in a plan to use her cell phone as a timer. He could choose the ring tone that would indicate when it was time to leave. She would give him a 15 minute warning before the ring tone would sound the alarm that it was time to leave. When the alarm rang, he son told his friend it was time to leave.

This illustrates how powerful very simple tools can be. They are powerful because they are respectful and help children use their power to cooperate instead of feeling the need to engage in power struggles.

To hear a discussion of these concepts, and to hear Sachiko share her success stories, go to http://positivediscipline.com/podcast to listen to the podcast.

H. Stephen Glenn

H. Stephen Glenn was a brilliant, charismatic person who was dedicated to Developing Capable Young People by helping adults become more capable in their skills for working with children. At the end of this post, you’ll find a link to listen to a sample from one of his CDs.

I was one of those who attended his lectures and workshops and was mesmerized, entertained, and inspired. I was also pleased to learn that the concepts and methods he taught were so compatible with Positive Discipline

Methods and Concepts.

Eventually we became co-authors. It began in 1983 when I gave him a copy of my newly, self-published Positive Discipline. I know he didn’t read it at that time, and I can understand why. If fact, I’m surprised that anyone did. I didn’t know anything about self-publishing, and that first printing was very funny looking with a two-color cover that I designed (not one of my talents), and was printed by a local printer who managed to misspell discipline and put it upside down on the spine. Still the first printing of 2000 was sold in a year. So, by the time I attend Steve’s Developing Capable People workshop in 1985, I had a fairly decent version of Positive Discipline and gave him another copy.


During the workshop, we do a lot of group work. During that time, I kept noticing that Steve was reading Positive Discipline. At the end of the three day workshop he asked me if I would like to collaborate with him on writing a book that he could use as the text for his DCP workshops. I said, “Sure,”


That is what I said, but this is what I thought. “I can’t write another book. I’m not really a writer. I could never do this.” I did not believe I was an “author” until three of the books I wrote (including the one I eventually wrote with H. Stephen Glenn) sold very well. So, the idea sat on a shelf for a while. Meanwhile, Steve started using Positive Discipline as the text for his DCP workshops and keynotes he did all over the country. So, this self-published book started selling all over the country.


Steve got so busy that he subcontracted with Positive Discipline Associates to handle his bookings. Cindy Botello eventually worked full time for Steve out of my offices. I kept printing Positive Discipline books because I was now getting orders from all over the country.


Meanwhile, I decided to self-publish Understanding: Eliminating Stress and Dissatisfaction in Life and Relationships. Steve started selling this book also, and more orders poured into my office. I decided it was time to tackle the task of writing a book with Steve. What an adventure.
It took me awhile to discover that Steve didn’t have time to write. He was excellent at speaking, and spent so much time on the road that he didn’t have time or energy left for writing. So I began the task of listening to his cassette tapes and trying to capture his charm and brilliance in writing. This was not as easy task. When you listen to his Developing Capable Young People CDs you will notice that his sentences are often three paragraphs long and may go in several different directions. Sounds great. Doesn’t read great. I’m very proud to say that I think I did a good job, but it was very time consuming. Steve kept promising that the book would be available in six weeks—and collected prepublication sales. Meanwhile, I’m listening to cassettes and writing 16 hours a day trying to meet the deadline. I remember one time I asked him a question and turned on my tape recorder. He talked for two hours and I had another chapter.



Four month’s later; the self-published version of Raising Children for Success was hot off the press. Steve now had another text to use with his Developing Capable People Course (he continued to use Positive Discipline). Two years and 40,000 copies later, we sold the rights to Prima (eventually purchased by Random House) and they called it Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World.

H. Stephen Glenn died in 2004 http://www.capabilitiesinc.com/about.html Fortunately we can still learn from Steve through his CDs, Videos, and Books.

Click here to listen to a sample.

Also listen to the podcast at http://positivediscipline.com/podcast/

I Was Punished, and I Turned Out

I was watching an Oprah show last night when I heard her express something very similar to what I know and have written about in the following article. Getting Oprah on the bandwagon could certainly help get the message out. For those of you who may have read this article, I revised it this morning.

“I Was Punished, and I Turned Out Just Fine”

How fine is “fine”? Fine is relative. Yes, most of us turned out just “fine.” We can laugh at some of the punishments we received as a child—and even say we deserved them. However, if we had been allowed to learn from our mistakes instead of being made to pay for them, is it possible we might be even better than “fine”?

Punishment is designed to make children “pay” for their mistakes. Discipline that teaches (the definition we prefer) is designed to help children learn from their mistakes in an atmosphere of encouragement and support. In the following story, Stan was led through a process that helped him understand the difference between punitive and non-punitive (positive)
discipline.

Stan told his parenting group about a time he cheated on a fifth-grade test. He said, “I was stupid enough to write some answers on the palm of my hand. The teacher saw me open my fist to find an answer. She grabbed my paper and tore it up in front of everyone in the class. I received an F on the test and was publicly called a cheater. The teacher told my parents and my father gave me a whipping and grounded me for a month. I never cheated again, and I certainly deserved the F.”

The group leader helped him explore this experience to help everyone in the class see if there might be a more productive way to handle this situation.

Leader:
Does everyone agree with Stan that he deserved the F?

Group:
Yes.

Leader:
Would the F have been enough to teach him the consequences of his choices, or did he need the punishment also?
Group:
Hmmmmm.
Leader:
What do you think, Stan? How did you feel about getting the F for cheating?
Stan:
I felt very guilty and very embarrassed.
Leader:
What did you decide from that?
Stan:
That I wouldn’t do it again.
Leader:
When we hear this, we may think, “See, it worked.” But let’s explore a little further and see how what may have seemed to “work” for the moment, may have had some harmful long-term results. Stan, what did you decide after receiving the whipping (punishment)?
Stan:
That I was a disappointment to my parents. I still worry about disappointing them. When I think about it, I realize how much I live in fear and self-doubt.
Leader:
So how did the punishment help you?
Stan:
Well, I had already decided I wouldn’t cheat again. The guilt and embarrassment of getting caught in front of others was enough to teach me that lesson. Actually, the worry about disappointing my parents is a real burden.
Leader:
If you had a magic wand and could change the script of that event, how would you change it? How would you change what anyone said or did?

Stan:
Well, I wouldn’t cheat.

Leader:
And after that?
Stan:
I don’t know.

Leader:
Who has any ideas you could give Stan? It is usually easier to see possibilities when you aren’t emotionally involved. What could Stan’s teacher or parents have done or said that would have demonstrated kind and firm discipline that would be effective short-term and long-term?

Group Member (Sylvia):
I’m a teacher, and I’m learning a lot from this. The teacher could have taken Stan aside and asked him why he was cheating instead of embarrassing him in front of the whole class.
Leader:
Stan, what would you have answered to that?

Stan:
That I wanted to pass the test.

Sylvia:
Then I could appreciate his desire to pass and ask him how he felt about cheating as a way to accomplish that.
Stan:
I could honestly say that it didn’t feel good and would promise never to do it again.
Sylvia:
I would then tell him he would have to receive an F for this test but that I was glad he had learned that cheating doesn’t feel good and isn’t helpful in the long run. I would then ask him to prepare a plan for me about what he would do to pass the next test.
Stan:
I would still feel guilty and embarrassed about cheating, but I would also appreciate the kindness along with the firmness. Now I see what that means.
Leader:
What Stan is teaching us is that it can be very effective to allow children to experience the consequences of their choices without adding consequences (poorly disguised punishments). Lectures just instill a sense of doubt and shame. Helping children explore the consequences
of their choices through curiosity questions can be very empowering because this helps children think for themselves and come to their own conclusions in a friendly and supportive atmosphere.
So Stan, now do you have any ideas how you could use your magic wand to change what your parents did?
Stan:
It would have been nice if they had acknowledged how guilty and embarrassed I felt. They could have empathized about what a tough lesson that was for me to learn. Then they could express their faith in me to learn from my experience and to do the right thing in the future. They could reassure me that they would love me no matter what, but that they hoped I wouldn’t disappoint myself in the future. Wow, what a concept--to worry more about disappointing myself than my parents. I find that very encouraging.

Leader:
Thank you Stan. You have just mentioned several Positive Discipline concepts and tools:

1. Positive Discipline does not mean letting children “get away” with their behavior.


2. Positive Discipline does mean helping children explore the consequences of their choices in a supportive and encouraging environment so that lasting growth and learning can
   take place by using the following tools:

• Validating feelings instead of scolding or rescuing.


• Using curiosity questions to help children explore the consequences of their choices (how they feel, what they learned, what they can do in the future) instead of shaming them through lectures and telling them how they should feel, what they should learn, and what they should do.


• Having faith in children that they can learn from their mistakes and figure out what to do in the future when encouraged to do so in a friendly and supportive atmosphere.


• Inviting children to come up with a plan (focusing on solutions) to solve the problem.


• Expressing unconditional love.

Most people turned out “fine” even if they were punished—and they might have learned even more had they received both kindness and firmness to learn from mistakes.

Turning out “fine” isn’t the issue. Are you satisfied with “fine,” or do you want your children to have the kind of nurturing that helps them bloom into the best people they can possibly be? You nurture the best in your children when your methods meet the five criteria for Positive Discipline.

• Helps children feel a sense of connection? (Belonging and Significance)


• Respectful and encouraging? (Kind and firm at the same time)


• Effective long-term? (Punishment works short term, but has negative long-term results.)


• Teaches valuable social and life skills for good character? (Respect, concern for others, problem-solving, cooperation)


• Invites children to discover how capable they are? (Encourages the constructive use of personal power and autonomy)

Are you satisfied with having your children turn out “just fine,” or would you prefer that they feel capable and empowered to be the best that they can be?

Dr. Jane Nelsen

Seven Week Positive Discipline Class and Developing Capable People CDs

I recently finished facilitating a seven-week-class in Positive Discipline. This is the first seven week class I’ve taught in over 30 years (I’ve been teaching the two-day workshop on Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way), to teach other people how to facilitate the 7 week classes) and I loved it. It was so gratifying to experience the class members go from total confusion after hearing that Positive Discipline does not advocate any punishment, rewards, or praise, to excitement as they discovered how well the Positive Discipline non-punitive tools work to avoid power struggles and parent micro-managing to helping their children develop feelings of capability and a desire for respectful cooperation. I just received the following email from one of the class members.

Dear Jane,

Thank you so much for an enlightening journey these past weeks. I've learned a lot and am seeing positive results, daily, through what you've taught me. I am deeply grateful.

I bought my husband the Stephen Glenn CDs and he is applying the tools not only with our son but in his workplace. It's amazing how enabling it is to deal with conflict resolution from a positive perspective...and, the big bonus is reduced stress for everyone involved!

Angie Batt

I encouraged everyone in the class to purchase the Developing Capable Young People CDs as a great supplement to all they were learning—and to share with their spouses.

Some of you may know that H. Stephen Glenn died in 2004. He was a very charismatic speaker who made people laugh while they learned very important concepts about helping children develop skills and belief in their capability.

Jane Nelsen

Step Parenting Blues

Question:

I just read your response to the lady regarding her partners five year old son. And, after reading the article by Mike Brock on Relational Parenting, his words confirmed for me what I have been feeling for a long time... we are not being good models of behavior with the constant, and sometimes intense, arguing. I noticed that you had recommended your e-book Positive Discipline for your Step Family, but before purchasing it, I wanted to ask if there is another book or article you might suggest for my family...step yes, but made up of three high schoolers, mine and his. I just hate wasting time on information that is most applicable to young children. The different approaches to discipline between my husband and I are taking a huge toll on our relationship and I don't want the kids to have to live with this any longer.

Any suggestions?

Fraught and heartbroken

Answer:

Dear Fraught and Heartbroken,

My heart breaks for you and for your kids. AND, you are in a very good place because of your awareness and desire to change. It is difficult to tell you which book might be best, so let me tell you a little about two of them and you decide. The Positive Discipline for Stepfamilies eBook is good because if provides lots of tools, and also addresses the challenges of step-parenting.

Positive Discipline for Teenagers is excellent for families with teens. (Yours.) It focuses only on the challenges of parenting teens. The focus is on understanding their individuation process instead of taking everything personally, and focusing on solutions instead of engaging in power struggles. Some parents like to the get the Empowering Teens CDs (or MP3 download) to go along with PD for Teens, because listening to the one hour lecture "brings it alive."

The 25th year anniversary edition of Positive Discipline is excellent, but it does cover younger children too. However, many of the tools suggested for use with younger children are very appropriate with teens. One of the big concepts I included in this new edition is for parents and teachers to take responsibility (not blame or shame) for how they help create many of the behavior challenges they face. Every Positive Discipline book includes many tools. In this book I created a summary of every tool that was covered in each chapter.

I will say that the Step Family book is extremely cost effective. What would you have to lose if found even one idea that is helpful? And, I know you will find many. I know it is a pain in the butt to have to read something on a screen (although some people like it).

Many people purchase more than one book because they all have some different information (and some repeats), and most of us parents need as much reprogramming as we can get.

And, if you need more help, go to www.lynnlott.com and consider counseling. Lynn is the co-author of Positive Discipline for Teenagers and has several clients she works with via phone.

I hope you have signed up for my monthly newsletter at www.positivediscipline.com You might find these articles and Q & As very helpful.

I wish you the best.

Jane Nelsen