How Can I Get My Child To Stop Hitting?

Question:

I have a son who will be 4 in two weeks and a 13 -month -old son.  The oldest has been through a series of hitting phases since the spring.  I have read 3 of your books, and was relieved to learn that I already use much of the positive discipline style.  He will often hit or push his brother, myself, dad, or other children.  He has excellent communication skills so I try to remind him to use his words; however sometimes it is not from something specific.  He is often tired (as he no longer naps).  I stopped using timeout about a month ago.  I did this because I felt it was fostering too much frustration for him.  When he hits I ask him to stop, or I go directly to the hurt child and he then follows me and apologizes.  I think the hitting is beyond normal, but I can't figure out the reason behind it.  While I feel I follow "positive parenting" I know maybe twice a month I make mistakes and yell and do not deal with certain situations in a loving manner. He is a thoughtful and bright boy, but I fear he will alienate playmates and not too mention I am concerned for his younger brothers safety.  Please help!

Answer:


You will find several answers on hitting that I think you will find helpful. I hope you'll take time to read all of them. Below, I'm included an excerpt from  Positive Discipline A to Z on hitting, but the questions that have already been answered, give even more insights.

One other point I want to make is that your four-year-old may be getting a little too much attention for hitting. You might try "keeping your mouth shut" while you kindly and firmly remove him from the situation. If you say anything at all, it might be, "Let me know when you can tell me a better way to handle this problem." Then be quiet, or even go to the next room and give him time to think about it. Be careful about comforting the younger too much, so you don't create the "bully/victim" syndrome. You might want to search the web site for "sibling" issues so you will understand why your four-year-old is still feeling "dethroned" by his baby brother. I would like to assure you that it is probably very "normal" when you understand sibling rivalry and mistaken goal behavior such as "undue attention" as explained in all of our books.

I'm glad you stopped time out. Did you know we have a book called Positive Time Out and 50 Other Ways to Avoid Power Struggles in Homes and Classrooms?

Also, on the website you'll find an article on why time out (even positive time out) is not effective for children under the age of three.

So, now for the excerpt on hitting:

Hitting

"I have tried everything I can think of to get my child to stop hitting her little brother. Sometimes she hits me. This really makes me angry. Punishment doesn't seem to work. I have spanked her and made her say she is sorry, but the next day she is hitting again."

Understanding Your Child, Yourself, and the Situation

How are we ever going to teach our children it is not okay to hurt others when we keep hurting them? We are reminded of a cartoon depicting a mother spanking her child while saying, "I'll teach you not to hit someone smaller than you. "When a child is hitting, usually his or her feelings are hurt. Your child needs help from you but may feel frustrated because he or she isn't getting the help needed. You probably feel frustrated, too, because you want your child to treat others respectfully and may even worry that your child's behavior is a reflection on you as a parent. Perhaps you are over-reacting and treating your child disrespectfully out of shame and embarrassment, trying to prove to the other adults around that you won't let your child get away with this behavior.

Suggestions

1. Take the child by the hand and say, "It is not okay to hit people. I'm sorry you are feeling hurt and upset. You can talk about it or you can hit this pillow, but people aren't for hitting."
2. Help the child deal with the anger. 
3. Ask, "Would it help you to go to your time-out spot now?" Time out is not helpful unless the child has helped create a positive time out spot in advance.  Also, time out is not helpful if the child does not see the benefit and chooses it. If you "make" your child go to time out, your child is likely to see it as punishment and may rebel.
4. After the child has calmed down, ask what and how questions. "What is upsetting you? How are you feeling?" See if you can get to the bottom of what is really bothering your child and then help the child discover what other things he or she could do besides hitting to deal with the problem. (Children under four years of age do not understand abstract reasoning. This is one reason why lectures are not effective at this age. There are other reasons why lectures are ineffective at any age.)
5. With children under four, try giving them a hug before removing them from the situation. This models a loving method while showing them that hitting is not okay. Hugging does not reinforce the misbehavior. 
6. Even though toddlers don't fully comprehend language, you can still use words (while removing them) such as, "Hitting hurts people. Let's find something else you can enjoy doing."
7. When babies hit you, put them down and leave the room immediately for a minute or two without saying a word. At this age, they will understand actions better than words.
8. When your preschooler hits you, decide what you will do instead of trying to control your child. Let her know that every time she hits you, you will leave the room until she is ready to treat you respectfully. After you have told her this once, follow through without any words. Leave immediately.
9. Later you might tell your child, "That really hurts" or "That hurts my feelings. When you are ready, an apology would help me feel better." Do not demand or force an apology. The main purpose of this suggestion is to give a model of sharing what you feel and asking for what you would like. People don't always give us what we would like, but we show respect for ourselves by sharing our feelings and wishes in non-demanding ways.

Planning Ahead to Prevent Future Problems

1. Teach children that feelings are different from actions. Feelings are never bad. They are just feelings. What we feel is always okay. What we do is not always okay.
2. Help children brainstorm ways to deal with feelings that are respectful to themselves and others. One possibility is to tell people what you don't like. Another possibility is to leave the scene if you are being treated disrespectfully.
3. Get your child involved in creating a Positive Time Out area.  Teach her that sometimes we need time to calm down until we feel better before doing anything. Let her know that she can use the time-out area any time she thinks it will help her feel better.
4. Find ways to encourage your children with unconditional love and by teaching skills that help them feel capable and confident.
5. Show that hitting is unacceptable by never hitting your child. If you make a mistake and hit your child, use the Three R‘s of Recovery to apologize so your child knows hitting is not acceptable for you either.
6. Take time for training with your toddler. Help her practice touching family members or animals softly. This does not eliminate the need for supervision until she is old enough to understand.
7. Look around and see if there are ways you are hurting your child without realizing it. Are you sending your child to his or her room frequently, scolding and criticizing regularly, singling out the child when a problem occurs? If so your child may be feeling really hurt and upset and the hitting is a way to strike back at the world. Be more encouraging and positive and stop the hurtful behaviors and see if you don't notice a change in the hitting behavior.

Life Skills Children Can Learn

Children can learn that it is not okay to hurt others. Their feelings are not bad and they are not bad, but they need to find actions that are respectful to themselves and to others.

Parenting Pointers

1. Be aware of the discouraged belief behind the misbehavior. A child who hits usually is operating from the mistaken goal of revenge with the belief, "I don't feel like I belong and am important and that hurts, so I want to hurt back." Children will feel encouraged when we respect their feelings and help them act appropriately.
2. Many people use the biblical admonition "spare the rod and spoil the child" as an excuse for spanking. Biblical scholars tell us the rod was never used to hit the sheep. The rod was a symbol of authority or leadership, and the staff or crook was used to gently prod and guide. Our children definitely need gentle guidance and prodding, but they do not need to be beaten, struck, or humiliated.
3. Toddlers are short on both language and social skills, and when they play together they can easily become frustrated. When they lack the ability to express what's wrong in words, hitting and other types of aggression sometimes result. It is developmentally normal for toddlers to hit. It is the parent's job to supervise and handle toddlers kindly and firmly until they are ready to learn more effective ways to communicate.

  
Booster Thought No. 1

     He: "There are times when it is necessary to spank my children to teach them important lessons.
For example, I spank my two-year-old to teach her not to run into the street."
     She: "After you have spanked your two-year-old to teach her not to run in the street, will you let her play unsupervised by a busy street?"
     He: "Well, no."
     She: "Why not? If the spanking teaches her not to run into the street, why can't she play unsupervised by the street? How many times would you need to spank her before you would feel she has learned the lesson well enough?"
     He: "Well, I wouldn't let her play unsupervised near a busy street until she was six or seven years old."
     She: "I rest my case. Parents have the responsibility to supervise young children in dangerous situations handle that situation. All the spanking in the world won't teach a child until he or she is developmentally ready.  Meanwhile we can gently teach. When we take our children to the park, we invite them to look up the street and down the street to see if cars are coming and tell us when it is safe to cross the street. Still, we don't let them go to the park alone until they are six or seven."

Studies show that approximately 85 percent of all parents of children under twelve years old resort to spanking when frustrated, yet only 8 to 10 percent believe that it is dignified or effective.  Sixty-five percent say that they would prefer to teach through consequences and encouraging improved behavior, but they don't know how. How often we resort to the familiar instead of learning a better way.

Booster Thoughts No. 2

Above all, I believe that there should never be any violence. In 1978, I received a peace prize in West Germany for my books, and I gave an acceptance speech that I called just that: "Never Violence." And in that speech I told a story from my own experience.

When I was about 20 years old, I met an old pastor's wife who told me that when she was young and had her first child, she didn't believe in striking children, although spanking kids with a switch pulled from a tree was standard punishment at the time. But one day, when her son was four or five, he did something that she felt warranted a spanking--the first in his life. She told him that he would have to go outside himself and find a switch for her to hit him with.

The boy was gone a long time. And when he came back in, he was crying. He said to her, "Mama, I couldn't find a switch, but here's a rock that you can throw at me."

All of a sudden the mother understood how the situation felt from the child's point of view: that if my mother wants to hurt me, then it makes no difference what she does it with; she might as well do it with a stone. And the mother took the boy into her lap and they both cried. Then she laid the rock on a shelf in the kitchen to remind herself forever: never violence. And that is something I think everyone should keep in mind. Because violence begins in the nursery one can raise children into violence.

                    By Astrid Lindgren, author of Pippi Longstocking

Booster Thought No. 3

When you set one toddler down to play with another, neither is particularly sure of what the other is all about. Watch them eyeing one another and you can guess what they might be thinking. What is this creature? Does it break? Can I taste it? What happens when I pull its hair or examine its eyelashes?"
Walking up and hitting another child may be just a primitive form of saying, "hello."

Still, children under the age of two need to learn that pulling hair, poking eyes, and hitting hurt people and cannot be allowed.

At this age, the best discipline is to simply remove your child from the situation, kindly and firmly, and redirect her attention to something else. When children are very young and don't have language skills, we can't teach them through language. Sometimes we need to accept that a child who has a habit of hitting simply needs close supervision so you can catch her and remove her when she looks ready to
hit. Toddlers often comprehend action better than words.

When Children Hit

When Children Hit

Question:

Hello. I have two of your books - A to Z and PD for Preschoolers and neither quite addresses our issue. On the topic of hitting you say: When your preschooler hits you, decide what you will do instead of trying to control your child. Let her know that every time she hits you, you will leave the room until she is ready to treat you respectfully. After you have told her this once, follow through without any words. Leave immediately. The thing is, if I try to do this, my son chases me (and his dad) out of the room, hitting all the while. I cannot leave without him hot on my heels. If I remove him (pick him up), he is kicking and screaming and will only stay somewhere if I lock him in. How do I approach this? Thank you for your time. Caroline

Answer:

Hi Caroline, I experienced the same challenge with one of my children and used what Dreikurs called "the bathroom technique." I would go to the bathroom and lock the door. (If you decide to do this, be sure to have a good book to read.) The first time I did this I thought Dreikurs was nuts because my kids (two of them) followed me and were pounding on the door. One even slipped a note under the door. However, I stuck it out without saying a word, and pretty soon they went away. The next time they treated me disrespectfully (honestly can't remember what they did--it was so long ago--which shows how unimportant it is), I went to the bathroom again. This time the kids didn't follow me and they stopped their misbehavior.

There are two tricks to making this work:

1) During a calm time, let them know in advance what you are going to do. (Maybe during a family meeting.)
2) When you follow through don't say a word. No lectures. No threats. Just let them have their feelings.

It doesn't take them long to learn that if you say it you mean it, and if you mean it, you will follow through. This is a great model for them about how to treat themselves respectfully instead of trying to change someone else.

My best to you,
Jane Nelsen

http://www.positivediscipline.com/

Hitting and Spanking

The most rewarding part of my work is hearing from people who have found it so encouraging in their lives. I just happened to be answering the Positive Discipline phones when Tiana called about an order. She shared how thrilled she was with Positive Discipline, so I encouraged her to take the two-day workshop, Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way, so she could learn even more and teach others. Tiana was excited about the idea. I asker her if she would also be willing to write down some of the things she said so I could share her enthusiasm for others. Imagine my joy when I received the following from Tiana.

Dear Jane,
I always knew I never wanted to spank or "put down" my children, but wasn't really sure how to go about discipline in any other way. I asked about everyone I knew for resources and finally my priest's wife told me about your book. The title said it all. I couldn't wait for guidance, solutions and other options. I have a two year old boy named Lawson and there is NOTHING more important to me than helping him to develop into a healthy, self-reliant, well mannered person who is loving to himself
and others. I knew that every word I said, every expression my face and body displayed to him, was creating who this little person was going to be.
I live in the deep south of Mississippi where "Spare the rod/ Spoil the child" is the way. As Lawson grew and started needing guidance I felt so much frustration, a loss of how to handle such things as hitting. After reading your book I felt peace, a since of calmness & hope. I now had direction. Things are so much better in my household and I just wish all children had parents with the knowledge of your positive ways. The world would for sure be a better place. I can't wait to get more involved in learning and possibly teaching others. Jane, you are a true gift to parents and mostly children. Thank you for all your hard work in educating us parents.
Sincerely, Tiana
Jackson, Mississippi

Thank you Tiana.
I've decided to share an excerpt from Positive Discipline A-Z by Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott on Hitting, so others can get an idea of what Tiana found so helpful—and so others can experience the format of this book that provides non-punitive solutions for just about every behavior challenge you can think of.





Hitting and Spanking
"I have tried everything I can think of to get my child to stop hitting her little brother. Sometimes she hits me. This really makes me angry. Punishment doesn't seem to work. I have spanked her and made her say she is sorry, but the next day she is hitting again."



Understanding Your Child, Yourself, and the SituationHow are we ever going to teach our children it is not okay to hurt others when we keep hurting them? We are reminded of a cartoon depicting a mother spanking her child while saying, "I'll teach you not to hit someone smaller than you." When children hit, it could be that their feelings are hurt. (Children can feel hurt or frustrated just because they can't get what they want – now!) You probably feel hurt and frustrated, too, because you want your child to treat others respectfully and may even worry that your child's behavior is a reflection on you as a parent. Perhaps you are overreacting and treating your child disrespectfully out of shame and embarrassment, trying to prove to the other adults around that you won't let your child get away with this behavior.
Most likely your child simply doesn't have the words or skills to get her needs met and lashes out (hits) because she doesn't know what else to do. Toddlers are short on both language and social skills, and when they play together they can easily become frustrated. When they lack the ability to express what's wrong in words, hitting and other types of aggression sometimes result. It is developmentally normal for toddlers to hit. It is the parent's job to supervise and handle toddlers kindly and firmly until they are ready to learn more effective ways to communicate. Kids will grow out of it if they get help (skills training) instead of a model of violence (hitting back).

Suggestions

1. Take the child by the hand and say, "It is not okay to hit people. I'm sorry you are feeling hurt and upset. You can talk about it or you can hit this pillow, but people aren't for hitting."



2. Help the child deal with the anger. (See Angry Child.)



3. With children under the age of four, try giving them a hug before removing them from the situation. This models a loving method while showing them that hitting is not okay. Hugging does not reinforce the misbehavior.



4. You never really know at what age a child begins to understand language. For that reason, use words such as, "Hitting hurts people. Let's find something else you can do," even if you think your child can't understand.



5. Show children what they can do instead of telling them what not to do. If you have a child that has a pattern of hitting, supervise closely. Every time she starts to hit, gently catch her hand and say, “Touch nicely,” while showing her how to touch nicely.



6. When your preschooler hits you, decide what you will do instead of trying to control your child. Let her know that every time she hits you, you will put her down and leave the room until she is ready to treat you respectfully. After you have told her this once, follow through without any words. Leave immediately.



7. Later you might tell your child, "That really hurts" or "That hurts my feelings. If I have done something to hurt your feelings, I would like to know about it so I can apologize. When you are ready, an apology would help me feel better." Do not demand or force an apology.

Planning Ahead to Prevent Future Problems

1. When children are pre-verbal, take time for training without expecting that the training will “take hold” until they get older. (Lots of supervision is the main parenting tool for pre-verbal children – along with distraction and redirection.) Help her practice touching family members or animals softly. Show your child how to be gentle and say, “Pat, pat,” or “People are for hugging, not hitting.”(See Booster Thought 2 ) This does not eliminate the need for supervision until she is old enough to understand.



2. Teach verbal children that feelings are different from actions. Feelings are never bad. They are just feelings. Tell your child that what he feels is okay, but it's still not okay to hit others, even if he is angry. He can tell someone, “I'm angry because____and I wish ________.” Help children brainstorm ways to deal with feelings that are respectful to themselves and others. One possibility is to tell people what he doesn't like. Another possibility is for him to leave the scene if he is being treated disrespectfully.



3. Get your child involved in creating a Positive Time Out area. Teach her that sometimes we need time to calm down until we feel better before doing anything. Don't send her to time out, but let her know that she can choose her special time-out area any time she thinks it will help her feel better. Sometimes, when she doesn't want to use her special time out area, ask her if you can use it until you feel better – or create your own and model using it to feel better.



4. Find ways to encourage your children with unconditional love and by teaching skills that help them feel capable and confident.



5. Show that hitting is unacceptable by never hitting your child. If you make a mistake and hit your child, use the Three R's of Recovery to apologize so your child knows hitting is not acceptable for you either. (See Part 1, page xx.)



6. Look around and see if there are ways you are hurting your child without realizing it. Are you sending your child to his or her room frequently, scolding and criticizing regularly, singling out the child when a problem occurs? If so your child may be feeling really hurt and upset and the hitting is a way to strike back at the world. Be more encouraging and positive and stop the hurtful behaviors and see if you don't notice a change in the hitting behavior.

Life Skills Children Can LearnChildren can learn that it is not okay to hurt others. Their feelings are not bad and they are not bad people, and they can get help to find actions that are respectful to themselves and to others. They can learn that what they do doesn't define who they are. They are not a bad child because they hit, but the behavior is unacceptable.


Parenting Pointers

1. Be aware of the discouraged belief behind the misbehavior. A child who hits usually is operating from the mistaken goal of revenge with the belief, "I don't feel like I belong and am important and that hurts, so I want to hurt back." Children will feel encouraged when you respect their feelings and help them act appropriately.



2. Many people use the biblical admonition "spare the rod and spoil the child" as an excuse for spanking. Biblical scholars tell us the rod was never used to hit the sheep. The rod was a symbol of authority or leadership, and the staff or crook was used to gently prod and guide. Our children definitely need gentle guidance and prodding, but they do not need to be beaten, struck, or humiliated.



3. Don't hit your child to show an onlooker that you are a good parent and not going to allow your child to get away with something. Your relationship with your child is much too important for that.

Booster ThoughtsGrandma had the opportunity to take care of her 18-month-old granddaughter for a week while her parents were on vacation. Sage was developing the habit of hitting when she felt frustrated (or, it seemed, just for the fun of it). She would hit her grandma and the dog – sometimes for no apparent reason at all. Grandma watched closely for the hitting to start and would gently grab Sage's hand and say, “Touch nicely,” while guiding her hand to gently stroke her grandma's cheek or the dog. Soon Sage would start to hit, but would first look at her grandma who would say, “Touch nicely.” Sage would grin and touch nicely. Within a few days, Sage was touching nicely instead of hitting. (It is much more effective to show children what they can do instead of telling them what not to do.)
________
He: There are times when it is necessary to spank my children to teach them important lessons. For example, I spank my two-year-old to teach her not to run into the street.
She: After you have spanked your two-year-old to teach her not to run in the street, will you let her play unsupervised by a busy street?
He: Well, no.
She: Why not? If the spanking teaches her not to run into the street, why can't she play unsupervised by the street? How many times would you need to spank her before you would feel she has learned the lesson well enough?
He: Well, I wouldn't let her play unsupervised near a busy street until she was six or seven years old.
She: I rest my case. Parents have the responsibility to supervise young children in dangerous situations until children are old enough to handle that situation. All the spanking in the world won't teach a child until he or she is developmentally ready. Meanwhile you can gently teach. When you take your children to the park, invite them to look up the street and down the street to see if cars are coming and tell you when it is safe to cross the street. Still, still you won't let them go to the park alone until they are six or seven.
Studies show that approximately 85 percent of all parents of children under twelve years old resort to spanking when frustrated, yet only 8 to 10 percent believe that it is dignified or effective. Sixty-five percent say that they would prefer to teach through positive methods to improve behavior, but they don't know how. This book shows you how.

The Positive Discipline Association

The Positive Discipline Association is a non-profit organization dedicating to promoting and encouraging the development of life skills and respectful relationships in families, schools, businesses and community systems.

One of the services of this organization is to provide training workshops to accomplish their mission. Another is a panel of Certified Positive Discipline Associates who answer as many questions as they can find time for. I have asked permission to post a recent question and answer by Laurie Prusso. I think you’ll enjoy her warmth, her humor, her encouragement, and her practical suggestions.


Bullying Siblings


Questions:


I have 3 boys. The oldest is 12, the middle 11 and youngest 7. The middle child has ADHD. My oldest son is a bully to the middle child. My question is how do I handle my sons when they are bickering in front of their friends outside? For instance, my oldest son and friends wanted to play soccer and the middle one said, “I don't want to play,” and the oldest makes fun of him for not wanting to play the game and the neighborhood kids make fun also. This is an every other day occurrence. Thanks for your help in advance


Answer:


Dear Lisa,


My name is Laurie Prusso. I sometimes answer the questions that come to Positive Discipline through the Website. I am a Certified Positive Discipline Associate and a college instructor, but most importantly for you—I am the mother of six sons. They are all grown now and I have 12 grandchildren. I’m so excited to answer your question and I hope that my response will help you.


I can tell from your letter that you are really very frustrated with the behavior that you are seeing and I get the sense that you would like to have some peace and to see your boys get a long better. First of all, I’m sorry to tell you that boys “fight”. They compare, compete, and even come to blows sometimes. Some of it is normal and some of it is just habitual. Without some really focused effort on the part of the parents, they will behave this way a lot. With some good training and skill building, they can lessen the conflict and replace it with a different more effective kind of play. Second, I can tell you that siblings, even siblings who seemed to fight, argue, and compete all of the time, often grow up to be very good friends and great adults. Such is the case for me. I could share stories that would curl your hair and give you hope, if I had more time.


Siblings compete for our attention and our time. As they grow, they “learn” this way of navigating their relationships. It isn’t always the most effective, but it seems to provide them with something that they want and need. It keeps them engaged with each other and helps them establish a hierarchy—real or imagined. It also gets you involved with them—a strategy that all children employ.


After a while, it is just their way of being and playing (sort of like bear cubs). Sometimes you can tell that they are just agitating each other, other times you may see that they are truly angry with each other. Your first two boys are very close in age and this may influence the relationship. You don’t mention the youngest son as being involved in the fray. He may be an onlooker, an instigator, or simply uninvolved with them. Your tribe is ready for some new learning that will enhance your family life and provide you with some hope that all three of your kids will survive to adulthood.


First, I will recommend that you read Positive Discipline. If you have already read it, read it again and refresh your memory of the ideas and principles taught in it. The book describes the mistaken goals of behavior. Children seek significance and belonging in different ways, and your boys may even be using different mistaken goals to try to meet their needs. Understanding how they are operating will help you decide what you will do. The only thing parents really have control over is deciding what WE will do and how we will teach and train our children.


There are many skills and tools that you can find in the book, and then apply to your situation. I am going to suggest one that will help you get right to the point. I recommend that you learn how to use family meetings to build relationships and find solutions to problems or concerns that arise in your family. There is a great chapter on Family Meetings in the book that provides step by step guidelines. Here I will be brief.


Gather the family. Have fun—have refreshments. Talk about things you all enjoy. Notice and comment on the “good things” that go on. Invite each family member to compliment or appreciate someone else. Then present your concern. Be conscious and thoughtful about it. Leave out blame and old history. Describe your feelings. Listen to each family member and validate their experiences—do not take sides or agree with them—just listen. You will learn a lot about them from listening attentively. You may even hear them say, “We just do it to get you upset!” When everyone has shared their experience and their feelings about your concern, create a scenario, based on a recent conflict they have had. Invite them to act it out in a role play. The older one may gaff at this. If so, involve the younger son, or the adults can do the role play. Then invite them to brainstorm possible alternative ways for them to interact with each other and with their friends. Write down every suggestion they make, especially the outlandish ones that are sure to come up, like, “Send him to a military school!” This will help them learn to trust this process and to be willing to use it to meet the needs of your family. HAVE FUN! Laugh together at things they say. Your mood and tone will set the tone and keep the mood you want.


Review the suggestions and select one that they are willing to try for a week. When they agree (if they don’t agree, it is NOT the solution) on a solution, role play the scenario, this time using the agreed upon solution. Sometimes it is fun to have them trade roles and replay. Listen to them talk some more about how they think this might work for them and for their friends. Tell them that you’ll check in with them next week at the family meeting. Encourage them in their efforts and serve them more cookies. You can never have too many cookies!


Family meetings are an excellent way to teach children more effective ways to get along. They have probably already heard all of our comments like, “Stop treating your brother like that!” And, “Your friends will not like you if you treat them that way.” And, “You boys are driving me crazy.” These kinds of things aren’t really helping us or them to really address the problem and find peaceable solutions to it. What you really want is for them to love each other and treat each other like they do. At 11 and 12 years of age, they will be less willing to talk about such sappy things as they will be to tackle a problem and try to make things better.


Lisa, I discovered Positive Discipline when my kids were in their teen age years and it changed my entire way of thinking. I really think that if you read the book and try to implement some of the principles and ideas in it, you will begin to make a change and when you make a change, then your boys will make a change as well.
Finally, don’t give up. Adolescence can be a very trying and challenging time! I used to say, “It only gets worse!” But now I can tell you with confidence that, “This too shall pass.” Adolescent boys are—or seem to be—out of control. They have so much energy and passion. They can learn to channel it into good and productive things, and they will. Learn to have fun with this stage of development and to notice the strengths in each of your boys. As they grow, there will be fewer and fewer times when you can use your power to “make them” do things. You will be glad that you discovered another tool for your parenting bag of tricks. Negotiate with them and they will become more cooperative. Focus on their strengths and know that we were all there once!


I feel like we are kindred spirits. Good luck to you.


Laurie

Toddlers and the Hitting Stage

Question:

Hi, I attended your session at the Adlerian Conference in Myrtle Beach. It was really great!

I now have a 14 month old son and recently bought your book Positive Discipline, The First Three Years as he began to really start to show his little personality and I realized wow, I need help! I finished it tonight but still have a question and really wanted your opinion about the issue of hitting. Our son, is a very happy toddler but lately when gets angry he will hit me and my husband in the face. We have a dog who he just loves so we are always telling him to "pat her gently". So when he hits us we typically say, in a kind and firm manner, "we touch mommy gently." Sometimes I add, "mommy touches you gently." I usually grab his hand to stop him from hitting me. He hasn't hit any other kids or family members other than me and my husband. I just wanted your opinion about how to handle this. I was trying to relate this to the section in the book on biting. Do you have any helpful suggestions with this issue? Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.

By the way, I recommend your book to the other moms in my playgroup and they are all enjoying it too!

Thanks so much and have a great day, Lauren


Answer:

Hi Lauren, You describe exactly what happened to me when I was taking care of my 18 month old granddaughter when she went through her hitting stage--and you are doing exactly the right thing. Keep doing what you are doing and it will pass.

I'm including an excerpt from the book Positive Discipline A-Z on hitting. You see my story in the first booster thought. I think you'll enjoy the format of this book that covers just about every behavior challenge you can think of.



Hitting and Spanking

"I have tried everything I can think of to get my child to stop hitting her little brother. Sometimes she hits me. This really makes me angry. Punishment doesn't seem to work. I have spanked her and made her say she is sorry, but the next day she is hitting again."

Understanding Your Child, Yourself, and the Situation

How are we ever going to teach our children it is not okay to hurt others when we keep hurting them? We are reminded of a cartoon depicting a mother spanking her child while saying, "I'll teach you not to hit someone smaller than you." When children hit, it could be that their feelings are hurt. (Children can feel hurt or frustrated just because they can't get what they want – now!) You probably feel hurt and frustrated, too, because you want your child to treat others respectfully and may even worry that your child's behavior is a reflection on you as a parent. Perhaps you are overreacting and treating your child disrespectfully out of shame and embarrassment, trying to prove to the other adults around that you won't let your child get away with this behavior.

Most likely your child simply doesn't have the words or skills to get her needs met and lashes out (hits) because she doesn't know what else to do. Toddlers are short on both language and social skills, and when they play together they can easily become frustrated. When they lack the ability to express what's wrong in words, hitting and other types of aggression sometimes result. It is developmentally normal for toddlers to hit. It is the parent's job to supervise and handle toddlers kindly and firmly until they are ready to learn more effective ways to communicate. Kids will grow out of it if they get help (skills training) instead of a model of violence (hitting back).

Suggestions

1. Take the child by the hand and say, "It is not okay to hit people. I'm sorry you are feeling hurt and upset. You can talk about it or you can hit this pillow, but people aren't for hitting."
2. Help the child deal with the anger. (See Angry Child.)
3. With children under the age of four, try giving them a hug before removing them from the situation. This models a loving method while showing them that hitting is not okay. Hugging does not reinforce the misbehavior.
4. You never really know at what age a child begins to understand language. For that reason, use words such as, "Hitting hurts people. Let's find something else you can do," even if you think your child can't understand.
5. Show children what they can do instead of telling them what not to do. If you have a child that has a pattern of hitting, supervise closely. Every time she starts to hit, gently catch her hand and say, "Touch nicely," while showing her how to touch nicely.
6. When your preschooler hits you, decide what you will do instead of trying to control your child. Let her know that every time she hits you, you will put her down and leave the room until she is ready to treat you respectfully. After you have told her this once, follow through without any words. Leave immediately.
7. Later you might tell your child, "That really hurts" or "That hurts my feelings. If I have done something to hurt your feelings, I would like to know about it so I can apologize. When you are ready, an apology would help me feel better." Do not demand or force an apology.

Planning Ahead to Prevent Future Problems

1. When children are pre-verbal, take time for training without expecting that the training will "take hold" until they get older. (Lots of supervision is the main parenting tool for pre-verbal children – along with distraction and redirection.) Help her practice touching family members or animals softly. Show your child how to be gentle and say, "Pat, pat," or "People are for hugging, not hitting."(See Booster Thought 2 ) This does not eliminate the need for supervision until she is old enough to understand.
2. Teach verbal children that feelings are different from actions. Feelings are never bad. They are just feelings. Tell your child that what he feels is okay, but it's still not okay to hit others, even if he is angry. He can tell someone, "I'm angry because____and I wish ________." Help children brainstorm ways to deal with feelings that are respectful to themselves and others. One possibility is to tell people what he doesn't like. Another possibility is for him to leave the scene if he is being treated disrespectfully.
3. Get your child involved in creating a Positive Time Out area. Teach her that sometimes we need time to calm down until we feel better before doing anything. Don't send her to time out, but let her know that she can choose her special time-out area any time she thinks it will help her feel better. Sometimes, when she doesn't want to use her special time out area, ask her if you can use it until you feel better – or create your own and model using it to feel better.
4. Find ways to encourage your children with unconditional love and by teaching skills that help them feel capable and confident.
5. Show that hitting is unacceptable by never hitting your child. If you make a mistake and hit your child, use the Three R's of Recovery to apologize so your child knows hitting is not acceptable for you either. (See Part 1, page xx.)
6. Look around and see if there are ways you are hurting your child without realizing it. Are you sending your child to his or her room frequently, scolding and criticizing regularly, singling out the child when a problem occurs? If so your child may be feeling really hurt and upset and the hitting is a way to strike back at the world. Be more encouraging and positive and stop the hurtful behaviors and see if you don't notice a change in the hitting behavior.

Life Skills Children Can Learn

Children can learn that it is not okay to hurt others. Their feelings are not bad and they are not bad people, and they can get help to find actions that are respectful to themselves and to others. They can learn that what they do doesn't define who they are. They are not a bad child because they hit, but the behavior is unacceptable.

Parenting Pointers

1. Be aware of the discouraged belief behind the misbehavior. A child who hits usually is operating from the mistaken goal of revenge with the belief, "I don't feel like I belong and am important and that hurts, so I want to hurt back." Children will feel encouraged when you respect their feelings and help them act appropriately.
2. Many people use the biblical admonition "spare the rod and spoil the child" as an excuse for spanking. Biblical scholars tell us the rod was never used to hit the sheep. The rod was a symbol of authority or leadership, and the staff or crook was used to gently prod and guide. Our children definitely need gentle guidance and prodding, but they do not need to be beaten, struck, or humiliated.
3. Don't hit your child to show an onlooker that you are a good parent and not going to allow your child to get away with something. Your relationship with your child is much too important for that.

Booster Thoughts

Grandma had the opportunity to take care of her 18-month-old granddaughter for a week while her parents were on vacation. Sage was developing the habit of hitting when she felt frustrated (or, it seemed, just for the fun of it). She would hit her grandma and the dog – sometimes for no apparent reason at all. Grandma watched closely for the hitting to start and would gently grab Sage's hand and say, "Touch nicely," while guiding her hand to gently stroke her grandma's cheek or the dog. Soon Sage would start to hit, but would first look at her grandma who would say, "Touch nicely." Sage would grin and touch nicely. Within a few days, Sage was touching nicely instead of hitting. (It is much more effective to show children what they can do instead of telling them what not to do.)

________

He: There are times when it is necessary to spank my children to teach them important lessons. For example, I spank my two-year-old to teach her not to run into the street.

She: After you have spanked your two-year-old to teach her not to run in the street, will you let her play unsupervised by a busy street?

He: Well, no.

She: Why not? If the spanking teaches her not to run into the street, why can't she play unsupervised by the street? How many times would you need to spank her before you would feel she has learned the lesson well enough?

He: Well, I wouldn't let her play unsupervised near a busy street until she was six or seven years old.

She: I rest my case. Parents have the responsibility to supervise young children in dangerous situations until children are old enough to handle that situation. All the spanking in the world won't teach a child until he or she is developmentally ready. Meanwhile you can gently teach. When you take your children to the park, invite them to look up the street and down the street to see if cars are coming and tell you when it is safe to cross the street. Still, still you won't let them go to the park alone until they are six or seven.

Studies show that approximately 85 percent of all parents of children under twelve years old resort to spanking when frustrated, yet only 8 to 10 percent believe that it is dignified or effective. Sixty-five percent say that they would prefer to teach through positive methods to improve behavior, but they don't know how. This book shows you how.




Dr. Jane Nelsen