Question:
I love your books! They have taught me so much about parenting in a non putative way, very different from the way I was raised. I have two daughters 12 and 14, and my husband has two sons 11 and 15. He has an authoritarian mindset when it comes to discipline, and I am using the Positive Discipline techniques I learned from you. My daughters are used to the positive approaches I use, and when we blended they were shocked and resentful of their stepfather's approach. I have shown him your book and he agrees with some things, but other things he thinks are ridiculous, that they are too permissive and lets children do what they want. I have expressed my concerns with his approach with my daughters but he feels he should not have to change. I then resorted to asking him to just back off from disciplining my daughters because I am uncomfortable with his methods, and that I would handle the disciplining of the girls, and he refused. I am getting no where. Any thoughts?
I tried to find your book, Positive Discipline for Blended Families, but couldn't find it anywhere. Where can I get a copy?
Thanks!!!!!
Julie
Answer:
It is a common mistake for some to believe that Positive Discipline is permissive. In fact, many parents who are so against punishment may become permissive. However, I believe that permissiveness could be even more harmful to kids than punishment. Permissiveness creates weakness in children. They don't develop beliefs in their own capability and resiliency. They develop attitudes of entitlement and are very unpleasant to be around. They seem to think the world "owes them." They don't learn important social and life skills for self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation, respect for others, and problem-solving skills. So, I can certainly understand your husbands reluctance to go the permissive route. I'm not sure how to convince him that Positive Discipline is not permissive.
It might help if he read the article titled, "I was punished, and I turned out fine" that can be found at www.positivediscipline.com
Julie it might help if he understood that kindness and firmness are equally important in Positive Discipline. It might help if he understood that punishment is designed to make kids "pay" for what they have done, while Positive Discipline is designed to help children "learn" from what they have done by focusing on solutions. Positive Discipline helps children learn to use their power in "useful" ways through family meetings, choices, and focusing on solutions, so they don't use their power to rebel.
Most parents don't realize that even though punishment works short term to stop misbehavior, it has damaging long-term results in that children are left with a sense of doubt and shame or resentment and revenge. Parents don't understand that brain and how much more effective it is to wait until everyone has had time to calm down before discussing a problem. They don't understand how important it is to create a "connection before correction." Many research studies have shown that a sense of connection is the number one predictor of "good" behavior.
One other thing we point out in Positive Discipline for Step Families, is that both parents can feel comfortable engaging in discipline (not just the birth parent), when the discipline they use is kind and firm at the same time with a focus on teaching valuable social and life skills while helping children feel capable with the sense of self work in tact.
Showing posts with label Step-Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Step-Family. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Friday, June 15, 2007
Logical Consequences and Avoiding Morning Hassles
Question on Logical Consequences and Avoiding Morning Hassles Answered Via Focusing on Soltuions Podcast.
I will now be answering as many questions as I can find time for via Podcasts. Please let me know if you are willing to have your question answered this way. I can’t promise to get to all of them, but will certainly try. (So many wonderful opportunities, and not enough time.) Also let me know if I can use your first name.
Many of you may have read the article on No More Logical Consequences—At Least Hardly Ever
Question:
I am the step-mom of two active boys. One who is 6 and one who is 9. After I moved in a year ago, their father and I have been using your positive approach to raising our kids. Some days we are good at it and some days we have to go back to the books. I have two questions. You are always talking about appropriate consequences. Can you give a novice some specific examples for what appropriate consequences are? What can you do when your 6 (then 5 year old ) Kindergartner, who was never in day care, won't speed up in the morning and is in danger of missing the bus?
My second question is a bit more complicated. It involves their mom. We have sole custody of the kids but she get visitation privileges every other weekend. There is no disciple when the kids are with her. They stay up as late as they want, eat nothing nutritious, talk back to her, fight with each other (All things they do not do when they are with us). Talking to her is not an option, so we do the best we can when the kids are with us. But sometimes is takes a full week to get the kids back to the routine after being with her. That we can kind of handle, but now summer break is here and they are going to be with her for 6 weeks total. (Off and on, we arranged it so the kids are not with her the full 6 weeks at one time.) So the question becomes, how do we keep positive discipline and all the things we have learned together going when they are in such completely different environments?
Thanks so much,
I will now be answering as many questions as I can find time for via Podcasts. Please let me know if you are willing to have your question answered this way. I can’t promise to get to all of them, but will certainly try. (So many wonderful opportunities, and not enough time.) Also let me know if I can use your first name.
Many of you may have read the article on No More Logical Consequences—At Least Hardly Ever
Question:
I am the step-mom of two active boys. One who is 6 and one who is 9. After I moved in a year ago, their father and I have been using your positive approach to raising our kids. Some days we are good at it and some days we have to go back to the books. I have two questions. You are always talking about appropriate consequences. Can you give a novice some specific examples for what appropriate consequences are? What can you do when your 6 (then 5 year old ) Kindergartner, who was never in day care, won't speed up in the morning and is in danger of missing the bus?
My second question is a bit more complicated. It involves their mom. We have sole custody of the kids but she get visitation privileges every other weekend. There is no disciple when the kids are with her. They stay up as late as they want, eat nothing nutritious, talk back to her, fight with each other (All things they do not do when they are with us). Talking to her is not an option, so we do the best we can when the kids are with us. But sometimes is takes a full week to get the kids back to the routine after being with her. That we can kind of handle, but now summer break is here and they are going to be with her for 6 weeks total. (Off and on, we arranged it so the kids are not with her the full 6 weeks at one time.) So the question becomes, how do we keep positive discipline and all the things we have learned together going when they are in such completely different environments?
Thanks so much,
Friday, May 11, 2007
Step Parenting Blues
Question:
I just read your response to the lady regarding her partners five year old son. And, after reading the article by Mike Brock on Relational Parenting, his words confirmed for me what I have been feeling for a long time... we are not being good models of behavior with the constant, and sometimes intense, arguing. I noticed that you had recommended your e-book Positive Discipline for your Step Family, but before purchasing it, I wanted to ask if there is another book or article you might suggest for my family...step yes, but made up of three high schoolers, mine and his. I just hate wasting time on information that is most applicable to young children. The different approaches to discipline between my husband and I are taking a huge toll on our relationship and I don't want the kids to have to live with this any longer.
Any suggestions?
Fraught and heartbroken
Answer:
Dear Fraught and Heartbroken,
My heart breaks for you and for your kids. AND, you are in a very good place because of your awareness and desire to change. It is difficult to tell you which book might be best, so let me tell you a little about two of them and you decide. The Positive Discipline for Stepfamilies eBook is good because if provides lots of tools, and also addresses the challenges of step-parenting.
Positive Discipline for Teenagers is excellent for families with teens. (Yours.) It focuses only on the challenges of parenting teens. The focus is on understanding their individuation process instead of taking everything personally, and focusing on solutions instead of engaging in power struggles. Some parents like to the get the Empowering Teens CDs (or MP3 download) to go along with PD for Teens, because listening to the one hour lecture "brings it alive."
The 25th year anniversary edition of Positive Discipline is excellent, but it does cover younger children too. However, many of the tools suggested for use with younger children are very appropriate with teens. One of the big concepts I included in this new edition is for parents and teachers to take responsibility (not blame or shame) for how they help create many of the behavior challenges they face. Every Positive Discipline book includes many tools. In this book I created a summary of every tool that was covered in each chapter.
I will say that the Step Family book is extremely cost effective. What would you have to lose if found even one idea that is helpful? And, I know you will find many. I know it is a pain in the butt to have to read something on a screen (although some people like it).
Many people purchase more than one book because they all have some different information (and some repeats), and most of us parents need as much reprogramming as we can get.
And, if you need more help, go to www.lynnlott.com and consider counseling. Lynn is the co-author of Positive Discipline for Teenagers and has several clients she works with via phone.
I hope you have signed up for my monthly newsletter at www.positivediscipline.com You might find these articles and Q & As very helpful.
I wish you the best.
Jane Nelsen
I just read your response to the lady regarding her partners five year old son. And, after reading the article by Mike Brock on Relational Parenting, his words confirmed for me what I have been feeling for a long time... we are not being good models of behavior with the constant, and sometimes intense, arguing. I noticed that you had recommended your e-book Positive Discipline for your Step Family, but before purchasing it, I wanted to ask if there is another book or article you might suggest for my family...step yes, but made up of three high schoolers, mine and his. I just hate wasting time on information that is most applicable to young children. The different approaches to discipline between my husband and I are taking a huge toll on our relationship and I don't want the kids to have to live with this any longer.
Any suggestions?
Fraught and heartbroken
Answer:
Dear Fraught and Heartbroken,
My heart breaks for you and for your kids. AND, you are in a very good place because of your awareness and desire to change. It is difficult to tell you which book might be best, so let me tell you a little about two of them and you decide. The Positive Discipline for Stepfamilies eBook is good because if provides lots of tools, and also addresses the challenges of step-parenting.
Positive Discipline for Teenagers is excellent for families with teens. (Yours.) It focuses only on the challenges of parenting teens. The focus is on understanding their individuation process instead of taking everything personally, and focusing on solutions instead of engaging in power struggles. Some parents like to the get the Empowering Teens CDs (or MP3 download) to go along with PD for Teens, because listening to the one hour lecture "brings it alive."
The 25th year anniversary edition of Positive Discipline is excellent, but it does cover younger children too. However, many of the tools suggested for use with younger children are very appropriate with teens. One of the big concepts I included in this new edition is for parents and teachers to take responsibility (not blame or shame) for how they help create many of the behavior challenges they face. Every Positive Discipline book includes many tools. In this book I created a summary of every tool that was covered in each chapter.
I will say that the Step Family book is extremely cost effective. What would you have to lose if found even one idea that is helpful? And, I know you will find many. I know it is a pain in the butt to have to read something on a screen (although some people like it).
Many people purchase more than one book because they all have some different information (and some repeats), and most of us parents need as much reprogramming as we can get.
And, if you need more help, go to www.lynnlott.com and consider counseling. Lynn is the co-author of Positive Discipline for Teenagers and has several clients she works with via phone.
I hope you have signed up for my monthly newsletter at www.positivediscipline.com You might find these articles and Q & As very helpful.
I wish you the best.
Jane Nelsen
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