Positive Discipline with Dr. Jane Nelsen

Cartoon and Excerpt from Serenity

2010-03-13T10:41:00.000-08:00

My book, Serenity, has gone through many incarnations. The publisher decided to leave out the cartoons that were in the last edition. I love them and have decide to post them in my blog and on my website. I hope they are as insightful (great reminders) to you as they are to me. :-)

This cartoon is almost correct. Since the kingdom of heaven is within, happiness is even closer than your back yard.

Cartoon by Chuck Vadun, used by permission. Excerpt from Serenity, Conari Press, by Jane Nelsen (available at www.positivediscipline.com)

Spend Special Time

2010-02-28T18:22:00.000-08:00

Spend Special Time is the Positive Discipline Tool Card Brad discusses in his blog this week. He pointed out that he didn't agree that once a month is enough special time for kids over 13. He is absolutely right. It isn't easy to explain all the concepts on a small card. Brad did guess that the point is that teens often don't want to spend time with their parents--so make a special effort at least once a month. Of course at least once a week would be ideal--keeping in mind that special time is something special scheduled on the calendar--in addition to the daily time..
I have inserted an excerpt from Chapter 9 on spending special time in the book Positive Discipline for Teenagers, by Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott.

How Do You Spend Time That Counts?

DURING THE TEEN years, when your children spend less and less time with you, it's more important than ever to connect in ways that really count. Unfortunately, there are several conditions that make quality time especially difficult to achieve: busy schedules, teenagers' preference to be with their friends, and time spent lecturing, judging, and punishing.

Brian decided to try spending quality time with his son, Ted. Brian's attempts to control Ted's use of drug and alcohol had damaged their relationships. He had grounded Ted, taken his car away, and lectured ad infinitum ("How could you do such a thing? You'll ruin your life forever. What have we done wrong?"), but all to no avail. Ted got more defiant and more rebellious, and the father-son relationship deteriorated badly. Brian was thoroughly discouraged, but decided to take a class called "Empowering Teens and Yourself in the Process" before giving up completely. The very first night of the class he heard something that would later change his life, as well as his son's. The facilitator said, "Sometimes you get the best results by forgetting about behavior and focusing on the relationship." Brian thought that sounded pretty simplistic, but he also realized that trying to improve his relationship with his son certainly couldn't do any harm—even if it didn't do any good.

The next day, Brian showed up at Ted's school during his lunch period and got permission to take his son to lunch. Brian had decided that his whole purpose would be to enjoy Ted's company—no matter what. When Ted saw his dad, he asked belligerently, "What are you doing here?" Brian replied, "I just wanted to have lunch with you." During lunch, Brian focused on his purpose, avoiding third-degree questions. He didn't even ask Ted how his day was. Ted was completely surprised and very suspicious all during lunch, waiting to be criticized or lectured. The entire lunch was spent in silence. Afterward, Brian took Ted back to school and said, "Thanks for having lunch with me. I really enjoyed being with you."

Brian continued showing up at Ted's school for lunch every Wednesday. It took three weeks for Ted's suspicions to disappear. He then started telling his father small things about his day, and his father did the same. Ted even began asking questions about work and college. Brian was careful to answer Ted's questions without lecturing.

Meanwhile, Brian had stopped trying to control Ted through punishment and withdrawal of privileges. Instead, he focused on Ted's assets, even though he had to dig to get past his fears about Ted's rebellion. He told Ted how glad he was to have him as his son and described to Ted how thrilled he had been the day he was born. Brian found it easy to tell stories about the cute things Ted had done as a child. Ted would shrug and give the impression that he thought these stories were "stupid." However, during this time, Brian noticed that Ted showed up for dinner more often and sometimes brought his friends over to watch television.

One day, three months into the lunch routine, Brian got stuck in a meeting that lasted through the lunch period. That night, Ted said, "What happened to you today, Dad?"

Brian apologized, "I'm sorry. I didn't know you were expecting me. We never said it would be a regular thing. But I'd love to make it a regular routine; how about you?"

Nonchalantly, Ted said, "Sure."

Brian said, "I'll be sure to leave a message if I ever get tied up again."

Brian felt pleased and gratified about the effectiveness of spending quality time with his son. He didn't know if Ted stopped experimenting with drugs and alcohol, but he knew his control efforts hadn't had a positive effect. Now, at least, the damaged relationship was being repaired, and Brian was grateful that the importance of this had gotten through his own thick skull. He felt satisfied that he was providing good memories for his son and letting him know from experience that his father loved him unconditionally. Ted's behavior improved considerably. He stopped being disrespectful. In fact, he started being considerate about letting his parents know when he would be home. Brian felt he was creating an atmosphere in which his son could think more about how his behavior affected his life rather than spending so much energy on "getting even" with his dad for the lectures and criticism.

Family Meetings

2010-02-21T20:40:00.000-08:00

I have decided to follow Brad's presentation of a Positive Discipline Tool Card with my articles on the same tool card. First I want to mention how it touched my heart to hear that Gibson got tears in his eyes when he heard his Dad's compliment. The picture says a thousand words about how important it is to hear heartfelt compliments.

Family Meetings

By Jane Nelsen

A Positive Discipline Tool Card

Several years ago some Adlerians recorded a bunch of family meetings in different families. For two years they looked for the perfect family meeting. Finally they gave up because they couldn't find a perfect family meeting. However, they were delighted with the positive results in families (more effective communication, focusing on solutions, having more fun together) even though their meetings were not perfect.

Keeping in mind that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn, the biggest mistake parents made that kept the meetings for coming closer to perfection was talking too much. Children are not thrilled about family meetings that provide another platform for parents to lecture. Parents need to talk less and listen more. Yes, I know how difficult this is—I’m still working on it. Somehow we parents think we aren’t doing our jobs unless we are talking, talking, talking.

Another mistake was trying to “fix feelings” (or to try to talking children out of having their feelings) instead of just listening. Sometimes it can be encouraging to validate feelings, but try validating feelings with you lips together, "Mmmmm." This allows children to discover that they can work through their feelings and learn from them.

It is most effective to have family meetings once a week and to stick to the allotted time of 20 to 30 minutes—even if everything on the agenda has not been covered. This just might help your children learn "delayed gratification." Also, it gives them time to absorb what was discussed during the meeting, to try the agreed upon solution, and to practice working things out for themselves in between meetings.

Family meetings are one of the most important tools parents can use to teach children so many valuable social and life skills such as:

Listening skills
Brainstorming skills
Problem-solving skills
Mutual respect
The value of cooling off before solving a problem. (Problems are put on the family meeting agenda so a cooling off period takes place before focusing on solutions to the challenge.)
Concern for others
Cooperation
Accountability in a safe environment. (People don’t worry about admitting mistakes when they know they will be supported to find solutions instead of experiencing blame, shame, or pain.)
How to choose solutions that are respectful to everyone concerned
A sense of belonging and significance
Social interest
That mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn
Having fun together as a family

Family Meetings provide an opportunity for parents to:

Avoid power struggles by respectfully sharing control
Avoid micromanaging children, so children learn self-discipline
Listen in ways that invite children to listen
Respectfully share responsibility
Create good memories through a family tradition
Model all of the skills they want their children to learn

Where else can you get so much for such a small investment in time? Family meetings provide a wonderful family tradition that may carry on for generations. A funny story about that: my children loved family meetings when they were six to twelve or so. Then they started complaining, as typical teens do, about how stupid family meetings were. I asked them to humor me and that we could shorten the time from 30 minutes to 15.

One day Mary, one of the complainers, spent the night at a friend’s house. The next day she announced, “That family is so screwed up. They should be having family meetings.”

When Mary went off to college, she initiated regular “family meetings” with her roommates and said they would not have survived without them.

Hugs: A Positive Discipline Tool Card

2010-02-14T15:02:00.000-08:00

As I have mentioned, it is my intention to respond to the blogs of my son Brad Ainge as he introduces a Positive Discipline tool card each week to his children. I'm behind, but wanted to make the time to respond to hugs which is so appropriate, as Brad points out, on Valentines Day.

Hugs

By Jane Nelsen, author and co-author of the Positive Discipline series

A Positive Discipline Tool Card (available at www.positivediscipline.com)

This tool card provides an example of asking for a hug when a child is having a temper tantrum, but that is certainly not the only time a hug can be an appropriate intervention when you understand the principle of hugs. Later, I’ll share where the example on the card came from; but first I want to share another example illustrated in a story shared by Mary Wardlow:

The Power of a Hug

My daughter Madisyn, who is a wonderfully strong-willed six-year-old child, didn't want to get up and get ready for school one morning. Being a strong-willed individual myself, I could sense a battle of wills brewing—though I was determined to avoid it. I repeatedly asked her nicely to get up and get herself ready. I even picked out her clothes so she could move a little faster [a mistake that will be explained later[. Still, she refused to move. I reminded her, still nicely, that the bus would be at our house soon, and if she didn't get dressed she was going to miss it.

She sat up, looked at her clothes, and screamed, "I don't want to wear that!" Her tone was so nasty that I found it hard to keep myself composed, but I went to her room and picked out two other outfits so she could choose which one she wanted to wear. I announced to her, "I laid out three sets of clothes. You need to pick one and get dressed." I had almost made it to the bedroom exit when she fired back "I WANT FOUR!"

I was so angry at that point; and what came next surprised both of us. I walked over to her and said, "Madisyn, I am going to pick you up, hold you, hug you and love you...and when I am done you are going to get up, choose an outfit and get dressed."

When I picked her up and put my arms around her I felt her just melt in my arms. Her attitude softened immediately and so did mine. That moment was amazing to me. A volatile situation turned warm in a few seconds—just because I chose to hug a child who was at that moment so un-huggable.

In your lecture you talked about the power of a hug to calm down an out-of-control child. I've learned first-hand that you were absolutely right. Thank you for teaching others about the power of a hug!

Later Mary learned that the morning hassles could be reduced if her daughter picked out her own clothes the night before as part of her bedtime routine. This would help her feel capable instead of being told what to do, which invited rebellion. This example illustrates that even though hugs work to create a connection and change behavior, some misbehavior can be avoided by getting children involved in ways that helps them use their power in useful ways—for example picking out their own clothes.

Tantrums and Hugs

Now for the story that led to the example of asking for a hug when a child is having a temper tantrum. I watched a video of Dr. Bob Bradbury, who facilitated the “Sanity Circus” in Seattle, WA for many years. During Sanity Circus, Dr. Bradbury would interview a parent or teacher in front of a large audience. During the interview he would determine the mistaken goal of the child and would then suggest an intervention that might help the discouraged child feel encouraged and empowered. Bob shared the following example (which I am now telling in my words from my memory of what I saw on the video).

A father wondered what to do about his four-year-old, Steven, who often engaged in tempter tantrums. After talking with the father for a while, and determining that the mistaken goal was misguided power, Dr. Bradbury suggested, “Why don’t you ask your son for a hug.”

The father was bewildered by this suggestion. He replied, “Wouldn’t that be reinforcing the misbehavior?”

Dr. Bradbury said, “I don’t think so. Are you willing to try it and next week let us know what happens?”

The father agreed with misgivings. However, the next week he reported that, sure enough, Steven had a temper tantrum. Dad got down to his son’s eye level and said, “I need a hug.”

Between loud sobs, Steven asked, “What?”

Dad repeated, “I need a hug.”

Steven was still sobbing but managed to ask incredulously, “Now????”

Dad said, “Yes, now”

Steven stopped sobbing and said, reluctantly, “Oh all right,” as he stiffly gave his father a hug. In a few seconds he just melted into his fathers arms.

After they hugged for a few more seconds, Dad said, “Thanks. I really needed that.”

Steven sniffled a bit and said, “So did I.”

There are a few points I want to make about this story. You may wonder why the father said, “I need a hug,” instead of, “You need a hug.”

1) Since the mistaken goal in this case was “misguided power.” To suggest that his son needed a hug would like invite him to say, “No I don’t,” and only intensify the power struggle. How could Steven argue with the fact that his father needed a hug?

2) Children have an innate desire to contribute. Contribution provides feelings of belonging, significance, and capability. Steven really wanted to “give” to his father, even though begrudgingly at first.

3) Children do better when they feel better. Once Steven felt better by giving his father a hug, he let go of his tantrum and the power struggle and enjoyed the hug with his father.

4) A misbehaving child is a discouraged child. It can be difficult to remember this when faced with annoying, challenging, or hurtful behavior. For this reason it helps to have a plan for behavior that is a pattern.

5) A primary philosophy of Positive Discipline is Connection before Correction. A hug is a great way to make a connection, but not the only way. I will mention a few more of the many possibilities:

6) Simply validate your child’s feelings. “You are feeling really upset right now.” Then step back and give energetic support while your child works through it.

7) Name what is happening and then offer an alternative. For example:

“It seems to me that we are in a power struggle right now. I love you and know we can work on a win/win solution if we wait until we calm down.” Or,

“I can see you really want my attention right now. I love you and I don’t have time right now but I’m looking forward to our special time at 7:30.” (Of course, this requires advance planning to make sure you have set up scheduled, special time with your children.

8) Do the unexpected. Instead of reacting to the challenging behavior, ask your child. “Do you know I really love you?” This sometimes stops the misbehavior because your child is so surprised by your question/statement, and may feel enough belonging and significance from that simple statement to “feel better and do better.”

There are many other possibilities to make a connection and to help children feel better so they’ll do better. However, the main point is to see all of the Positive Discipline Tool cards NOT as techniques, but as principles. Techniques are very narrow and often don’t work. A principle is wider and deeper—and there are many ways to apply a principle. Go into your heart and your wisdom and you’ll know how to apply the principles of connection before correction, focusing on solutions, empowering children—and hugs—that are even better than the examples.

Letter of Intent to become a Certified Positive Discipline Associate

2010-02-07T20:13:00.000-08:00

After taking a two-day Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way workshop to become a Certified Positive Discipline Parent Education, some participants decide they want more training to become a Certified Positive Discipline Associate. (More info at www.positivediscipline.org) To begin the process they write a Letter of Intent. I was so moved by Julia Tomes letter that I asked her permission to share it on my blog.

Dear Positive Discipline Community,

I can't remember how I first happened upon a copy of Positive Discipline, by Dr. Jane Nelson, but somehow it found it's way into my hands during my third year of teaching. I was starting at a new school in a new district. All I remember thinking was that I wished that I had the book the year before. Prior to coming to this school I was teaching an alternative middle school program for students in 6-8^th grade who were having difficulty with the traditional school setting. They would spend half their day in the “regular” school and then get bused over to me for the other half. I had two classes of students, morning and afternoon. These were students who were disaffected, defiant, abusive, angry, and had no sense of belonging. As a second year teacher, they burned me out. I worked hard to give them some meaning and a sense of belonging, but I know that if I had Positive Discipline in my tool box, that year would have been so much better.

I read Positive Discipline and loved it, but I didn't internalize it. I was busy and didn't realize that I was holding a treasure box in my hands. I started doing class meetings, but not really following the method. They went well, but not as well as I would have liked. I put the book on the shelf along with all my other teaching books and, frankly, forgot about it.

After teaching for 7 years my husband and I started our family. I decided to stay home, cleared out my classroom and put all the books on the shelves at home. I was quickly swallowed up by babies, nursing, changing diapers, and sleep deprivation. I was fortunate enough to have an amazing group of women with whom I formed a mother's group. They were all advocates of Positive Discipline and I remembered that dusty book on my shelf. I finally reread it after my second child was born and we began to implement it at home. We started family meetings with my daughter when she was 4 and now that my son is 4, he participates as well.

My husband found Jane's blog on the internet and put in on the home page of my computer. I then learned that there were classes and workshops on Positive Discipline that people could take. I was especially intrigued by the idea of becoming trained to work with parents in the method and I couldn't get it out of my mind. The idea was planted and it continued to nag and pull at me. When my husband lost his job in the fall of 2008, the pearl of an idea grew larger and larger as I thought about going back to work. Never have I found a parenting method which was so in-line with my beliefs about people, human nature, and children. It was so respectful and caring, and taught children and parents how to make choices and problem solve. Coming from a family which was loving but authoritarian, this was all so appealing. It seemed such a natural fit with my teaching experience, my love for children, and my knowledge and experience now as a parent.

Last February, 2009, I went to Seattle to attend the workshop “Teaching Parenting The Positive Discipline Way” taught by Melanie Miller in Kirkland, Washington. It was wonderful and I came home empowered to begin working with parents. At the training I met another woman who lives in Portland and we collaborated to begin teaching classes together. This past fall we taught our first 7 week class at my daughter's elementary school. Right now I am preparing to teach my second class to begin in February. I will be teaching this one on my own as my colleague is overwhelmed by a recent move and two very young children. I feel fortunate to have her support as well as Melanie's as I move into this next class.

It is my hope to become a Positive Discipline Associate. I would like to continue teaching classes at my children's school for as long as there is interest. Eventually I would love to be able to offer support to more families where parenting resources are less available. As a teacher I have seen more than I care to remember of difficult family situations for children and I feel that so often parents feel lost and alone when trying to raise children. Adding poverty, a very young age, and/or little education to the equation only exacerbates this for parents. I am also interested in helping get Positive Discipline into more schools in our region. We have one P.D. Certified school here in Portland and it would be wonderful to see that number grow. I feel the possibilities as a Positive Discipline Associate are numerous. Right now, I'm very happy working with the parents in my immediate community and hope to continue working on my skills as a parent group leader. It will be wonderful to have the support of the Positive Discipline Community if I am accepted into the training.

Sincerely,

Julia Tomes

Put Them in the Same Boat: A Positive Discipline Tool Card

2010-01-31T21:16:00.000-08:00

Put Them in the Same Boat

My son Brad Ainge is choosing a tool card a week from the deck of Positive Discipline Tool Cards and sharing his efforts to follow the advice on each card in his blog: http://www.singledadbrad.com/ I’ve been raving about his blog and telling everyone to read it because he is such a good writer—funny and heartwarmingly real.

I’ve decide to do a blog on his blog, either sharing articles I have written on the tool card he chooses, or responding directly to his musings, or both. I have picked a touchy one to start with—one on which, as Brad shares, we disagree. He’ll soon discover that we really don’t. You might want to read Brad’s blog first on “Put Them in the Same Boat” to make sense of mine.

After reading Brad’s blog, I realize we don’t really disagree. Staying out of fights is not the same as “not being around” when the fights take place. Actually, parents should not stay out of fights until they have taught their children problem-solving skills through family meetings and other one-on-one problem solving sessions.

Focus on Solutions

My favorite way to “put kids in the same boat” is to guide them to focus on solutions.

"What ideas do you kids have to solve this problem?"

"Which one of you would like to put this on our family meeting agenda."

"I have faith in you two to work this out." (Of course, you have been teaching them lots of problem-solving skills.)

"Pig pile!" as you jump on both of them and wrestle them to the ground."

"Would it help you both to go to your 'positive time-out' spaces until you can access your rational brains to work on a solution." (Of course, you have taught them about the brain, and how they go into their 'fight/flight response' when they are upset, and taking time to calm down allows them to access their rational brains again--and that is why it is so helpful to have a positive time-out area that helps them feel better.)

None of these suggestions involve neglect or punishment, and it isn’t really staying out of children’s fights. It is getting involved in a way that let’s them know you love them both, and you guide them toward finding solutions.

Belonging and Significance

Most fighting involves issues of "belonging and significance.” From a kid’s point of view, it is difficult to understand that parents have more than enough love to go around. They think they have to compete for the love. So, they do what politicians do—put the other party down so they can look better. Adler or Dreikurs called it "deflating to inflate"--try to make yourself look good by making someone else look bad. Or, one child might “provoke” another child. The parent doesn’t see this. All he sees is the provoker clobbering the provokee. So the parent gets on the case of the provoker, not realizing that he has just reinforced the idea the provoker has that the way to be special is to get the provokee in trouble.

The way parents interfere in fights, often increases the competition. When they take one child's side, they reinforce the idea that parents can love only one child at a time—so the competition increases. This is why we suggest that you "put children in the same boat" and treat them the same. By the same, we mean don't take sides. You don't really know who started it anyway. You don't see the subtle things one child might do to provoke another child into "reacting." So, put them in the same boat to "focus on solutions."

If they up the ante—trying to get the same response they are used to—it may be best to walk away saying, “I have faith in you to solve this problem,” or “both of you go to your corners until you feel better so you can do better.” If you are afraid there will be violence when they are left together, put them in the same boat by saying, “Kids, you’ll need to separate until you are ready to find a solution. Eventually they might learn that cooperation is a better way to find belonging and significance than competition.

Instead of Saying No, Try:

2010-01-31T16:22:00.001-08:00

I was very pleased to discover Dr. Annie Castle’s blog on Positive Discipline. She has kindly given me permission to post an excerpt from her blog on by blog. Thank you Annie for this excellent list of suggestions. J

http://teacherannieexplores.blogspot.com

by Annie Castle Deckert, M.Ed.Psych

Silicon Valley, California

This thing called “positive discipline” really does work. Most parents realize that a positive, respectful approach has great long-term benefits for their child because it builds self-discipline and self esteem.

But putting positive discipline into practice in-the-moment isn’t easy. Many, many parents tell me they just forget what to say and do when they are tired, frustrated, or busy. For most of us, it takes deliberate practice. Having a sort of “script” to think about at first can help.

Certainly, you don’t want to use anyone else’s words all the time, because that won’t be YOU, and the most important thing you can give your children is yourself. But following positive examples is a good way to start. Perhaps the following examples will give you some ideas and starting points:

INSTEAD OF SAYING NO, TRY:

USING POSITIVE LANGUAGE

“You can throw the ball outside.”

BEING A ROLE MODEL

“Here. I’ll share this toy with you.”

SETTING FIRM BOUNDARIES WHEN NEEDED

“I will not let you hurt other people.”

TEACHING SKILLS

“Try asking your brother for a turn.”

PROVIDING OTHER WAYS OF COPING

“Want to read a book with me while you’re waiting for a turn?”

RESPECTING FEELINGS

“I can tell that you are very upset right now.”

GIVING INFORMATION

“Pets are animals that need a gentle touch.”

STAYING CLOSE WHEN NEEDED

“I will be right here to help you play with your friends.”

GIVING APPROPRIATE CHOICES

“Would you like to brush your teeth before your bath, or after?”

OBSERVING, AND HELPING BEFORE A PROBLEM STARTS

“I’ll help put some toys away so there’s more room to play.”

HELPING CHILDREN LEARN EMPATHY

“I can see that both of you love doing puzzles!”

POINTING OUT THE EMOTIONAL CUES OF OTHERS

“When you look at his face, can you tell what he’s feeling?”

PROVIDING MANY WAYS OF EXPRESSION

“Would you like to draw a picture or build a sand sculpture about how sad you feel?”

PROVIDING VOCABULARY

“It looks like you might be feeling frustrated.”

UNDERSTANDING THAT CHILDREN NEED TO MOVE

“Let’s run to the playground!”

INVOLVING CHILDREN IN IMPORTANT JOBS

“I need some help with these heavy water bottles!”

PROVIDING COMFORT

“You can sit here with me for awhile if you want.”

UNDERSTANDING A CHILD’S DEVELOPMENT

“Mom and I are still eating but you’re finished. Would you like to be excused to play with your toys now?”

BEING POLITE

“Thank you for sharing your snack with me.”

OFFERING SIMPLE SENSORY AND ART EXPERIENCES EVERY DAY

“It looks like working with the clay helped you feel better.”

BEING PATIENT- LEARNING TAKES TIME

“I can tell that you are working hard to wait politely for a turn.”

ASKING OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

“How could we make that work?”

LETTING CHILDREN SOLVE PROBLEMS

“What do you think we can do about this?”

HAVING AGE-APPROPRIATE EXPECTATIONS

“We’ll go shopping another day when you’re not tired.”

Positive Discipline lecture in Atlanta

2010-01-22T13:00:00.000-08:00

It is so gratifying to hear a success story after a lecture. Following is an email I received the day after presenting in Atlanta. Terry gave me permission to share her comments here.

Jane,
I wanted to let you know that I attended your seminar Wednesday night in Atlanta. I have a 2 1/2 and a 5 1/2 year old. Thursday morning when I woke up and got the kids up, I used some of the tools that you taught. I kept the TV off (which I thought would become an issue right away) and when things started to escalate at the breakfast table and also when we were trying to get out of the house on time, I diffused the situation with many of your suggestions rather than adding fuel to the fire with yelling (like I tend to do). My kids and I took on this new transformation and NOTHING blew out of control. It was such a pleasant morning. I felt calm and I'm sure my kids did too. Thank you for the wonderful 2 hours. I am excited for our family to continue using these tools!
Terry Brooks

Article in Esquire Magazine on Positive Discipline and Obama

2010-01-15T14:49:00.000-08:00

Esquire Magazine has a great article on parenting technique -Positive Discipline and How Obama runs the country, written by Tom Junod http://tinyurl.com/y9dsvhj

I wrote the follow response to Tom:

Tom, I absolutely loved reading your article. Had to laugh out loud at times. Your comparisons to Obama and Positive Discipline are brilliant. Now I know why I like Obama so much. Of course I'm very curious to know the name of your Positive Discipline instructor.

One other thing concerns me. Years ago I should have trademarked Positive Discipline. When I tried, a company in Texas (Walk the Talk) that does trainings for corporations had already trademarked the name. They gave me permission to use it for parenting--a good thing since I had already published several Positive Discipline books by then. The problem is that they did not enforce their trademark and now there are a gazillion parenting programs that use the Positive Discipline name--and many are based on Behaviorism (punishment and reward). You have provided a lot of publicity for Positive Discipline. I just hope people find the right one. :-)

In any case, it is a pleasure to be associated with such an "enlightened" article. I would love to meet you some day.

Most sincerely, Jane

The Courage to Be Imperfect

2010-01-12T17:14:00.000-08:00

In Positive Discipline, I quote Rudolf Dreikurs often as he cauthioned us to "Have the courage to be imperfect."

I found this video to be humorous, moving, and inspiring.

If anyone can tell me how to get rid of the ad that follows, please let me know. We have tried and tried.

52 Positive Discipline Tool Cards in 52 Weeks

2009-12-30T07:17:00.000-08:00

If you have signed up for my newsletter, you have already heard about the project “52 Parenting Tool Cards in 52 Weeks” being done by my son Brad Ainge and two of my grandchildren. Read his first blog on this project. My guess is that you will want to become a follower.

Link: http://www.singledadbrad.com/2009/12/52-parenting-tool-cards-in-52-weeks.html

Brad is generating quite a bit of excitement with his new 52 Parenting tool cards project and has already appeared as a guest on an Internet radio program that I think you will enjoy.

http://parentingunpluggedradio.com/2009/12/29/episode-80-parenting-unplugged/

I will be a guest on Parenting Unplugged in January. Watch for an announcement on Events at www.positivediscipline.com

Punishment or Not: The Debate Goes On and On and On

2009-12-23T08:12:00.000-08:00

I have a Google alert that lets me know any time my name or Positive Discipline is mentioned on the Internet. This morning I read a blog by James Rivera on Spanking, grounding, and yelling: Does old-fashioned discipline work?

One thing that surprised me is the number of his readers who still believe in spanking.

At the end there was a quote by me, that I wasn’t very fond of, on how to deal with a misbehaving child.

Some children will push and push until they get a spanking and then settle down. They’ve been conditioned not to settle down or cooperate until they’re spanked. Instead, try holding a disobedient child firmly on your lap. No matter how much she struggles, don’t let go until she calms down or agrees to cooperate.
— Jane Nelsen, the Positive Discipline series

I made the following comment that I would like to share with you.

I can see that in some cases in might work, but in other cases it would just increase the power struggle. There are many other strategies I like better.

1) Simply validate a child’s feelings and then shut up and then provide “energetic support” while allowing the child to have his or her feelings until they dissipate. The long-term benefit is that children develop a sense of their own capability when they experience that they can work through their feelings.
2) Do the unexpected. Tell your child, “I need a hug.” Some will give you one right away. Others will continue their misbehavior. You can then say, “I would really like a hug. Come find me when you are ready.” Then walk away. Some children will follow you right away. Others won’t, but they have an inner smile. They have learned that their misbehavior doesn’t “work,” and they feel encouraged and are less likely to continue the misbehavior.
3) Say, “We are having a power struggle. Would you like to put this problem on the family meeting agenda, or should I?”

There are many other possibilities, but all are designed to be respectful to both the
child and the parent and to teach valuable social and life skills. And, they all create a “connection before correction.”

Positive Discipline Evidence Based

2009-12-14T17:42:00.000-08:00

The reason I have used Positive Discipline (based on the work of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs), in my own life and to share with others, is that it works. Thousands of parents have shared with me that it works for them to improve their relationships with their children and to help their children learn self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation and problem-solving skills. Still, many organizations cannot adopt programs unless that are “evidence based” or have the designation of “best practices.” Achieving best practices can be very expensive, involving extensive research.

Finally, Dr. Jody McVittie, a Certified Positive Discipline Associate has completed research described in the following press release.

*** For Immediate Release *** For Immediate Release ***

A new study released this week shows that parenting classes are helping parents create the kind of family that they want. The study, The Impact of Adlerian-Based Parenting Classes on Self-Reported Parental Behavior, was conducted over a 3-year period by Jody McVittie, M.D. and Al M. Best, Ph.D. with the assistance of 69 parent educators across the US and Canada, utilizing data from 110 classes (1300 parent and care-givers). The parenting class curricula were experiential and primarily from the Positive Discipline or the Parent Encouragement Program.

By the end of the class, parents reported that they were more able to set clear limits, more able to connect with their children in positive ways. They also were able to decrease hitting and yelling. Many of the respondents added comments at the end of the post class survey that indicated that they were pleased with the changes in their families. Typical comments included: “My own anger level and frustration has decreased.” “I have a better relationship with my children.” “There is less yelling now.” “Fewer power struggles now.” “We have more fun as a family.” “I enjoy parenting more.” “I’m better at problem solving.” ”I have more confidence in my parenting skills.” ”I calm myself down instead of reacting.” “I’m remaining firm in my limits.” “I have more hope for who my child will become.” “We have more fun as a family.” “I enjoy parenting more.” ”I respect myself more and my children more.”

Previous research documents the long term benefits of parenting that is both firm and caring. This kind of parenting, called “authoritative,” has been shown to reduce many social risks for children (smoking, early sexual debut, drinking, violence) and has been shown to be helpful for academic and social success. This large new study provides one missing link, showing that parents can change their parenting styles in ways that will be helpful to their children long term and that the parents were quite happy with the changes.

Further research will be useful to establish that the changes that the parents report are long term.

A copy of the results summary is attached. It may be reproduced, but for copyright reasons it can only represent a small portion of any article describing the research.

For more information please contact:

Jody McVittie, M.D. at: jody@encouragingsolutions.net or 206 782 1595

For copies of the Research:

McVittie, J. & Best, A., The Impact of Adlerian-Based Parenting Classes on Self-Reported Parental Behavior, Journal of Individual Psychology, Fall 2009, 65(3) 264-285.

Published by the University of Texas Press, 800 252 3206, utpress@uts.cc.utexas.edu

P O Box 7819, Austin TX 78713-7819

Positive Discipline and Pampering: More on Kind and Firm and the Same Time

2009-12-07T17:22:00.000-08:00

I know that people who are against punishment are drawn to Positive Discipline, but they often see only the kind part and take that kindness to the extreme. Why is it that human beings seem most comfortable when thinking in extremes? The pendulum seems to swing back and forth in argument for being very strict (firm) with children to the other extreme of being very lenient (kind) with children. Why is it so difficult to help parents see the value of being both kind and firm?

I keep hearing reports of children who have complete meltdowns when they can’t have their own way; of children who are obnoxiously demanding; of children who are hitting and screaming and threatening their parents. Much of this is normal testing as children find out what kind of power they have and don’t have. What is not normal is parents who are afraid of being firm for fear it will damage the psyche of their children for life. They “misuse” Positive Discipline parenting tools by being too kind without being firm. They are afraid to allow their children to “suffer.” Note that I said, “allow them to suffer,” not “make them suffer.” Let’s take the example of validating feelings.

Sally had a temper tantrum because she wanted the toy her little brother had. Her mother said, “I can see you are really angry.” Sally continued to scream that she wanted the toy. Mother tried to reason with her, “Maybe you could wait your turn or find a toy to trade.” Sally continued her tantrum. Mom continued to validate her feelings and trying to comfort her.

What would Positive Discipline look like? Mom might say, “I can see you are really upset,” ONCE. Then she might say, while leaving the room, “I have faith in you that you can handle this.” I would like to add that the last statement is more for the benefit of the mother than the child. A huge part of being firm is for parents to stay “firm” in allowing children to experience their feelings instead of rescuing, fixing, and trying to make sure their children never suffer.

Parents need to have faith in their children to deal with the ups and downs of life and to know that this kind of “suffering” is good for their children. Children need to learn that they can’t always have what they want. What do they learn from this? That they are capable, that they can be resilient, that they can survive delayed gratification.

Being too kind can lead to demanding behavior in children—especially in a materialistic world. The answer is not to go to the other extreme of being too firm. The answer is to follow the age-old advice of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs (and taught by Positive Discipline) to be both kind and firm at the same time. It is okay to say, “I love you, and the answer is, ‘No.’”

Another Hug Story

2009-11-12T12:25:00.001-08:00

Another hug story from Casey O’Roarty that was posted on the Positive Discipline Network. We may be starting a revolutionary movement.

“I just really wanted to share this... So during our bedtime routine tonight, the kids were really working us over. My daughter, Rowan (almost 7), had a really long bath and put my husband through the ringer with her pace and selective listening... We had set an expectation earlier in the night that before she could listen to stories in bed, she was going to clean up her room. It was a pretty big mess so I let her know that I would help her some (this can be dangerous because I have been known to help while lecturing about the need to keep her room clean=completely ineffective). So I decided I would hang up the clothes on the floor... I managed not to lecture but I did say "It's really hard for daddy to read books and sing songs and for me to write sweet notes for your lunch when we've had such a hard time at bedtime." She looked at me and said "Do you want a hug?" I melted into her arms, walked out to make lunch for tomorrow, and she finished up her room. Sometimes they can be so wise...”

Hugs to Create a Connection

2009-11-09T12:52:00.000-08:00

Many of you know that “Hugs” is one of my favorite Positive Discipline Tool Cards. A hug is one of the best ways to create the important theme of Positive Discipline: Connection Before Correction. I have been receiving some great hug stories and have decided to start collecting them and sharing them with you. Shannon Alvarez, a member of the Positive Discipline Network just posted the following story and gave me permission to share it on this blog.

“I thought you would appreciate this story. I know some of the PD strategies because my mom has taught me a lot, but I am new to PD and only just reading my first Jane Nelson book: Positive Time Out. Anyway, last night, I told my husband he could either put my 3 year old to bed (she was already bathed) or bathe the other 3 kids. So he decided to put my daughter to bed. Well, she wasn't happy about not having mommy to read her books, so she was not being nice to him and eventually socked him right in the eye. Of course, my husband got really upset and started being mean to her and telling her she wasn't going to get any books, etc. At this point, I walked in, not realizing what was going on. After my (steaming mad!) husband told me what was going on, I told him she needs a hug. It took him about a full minute (with my coaching) to come down from HIS anger to allow himself to go back to her and hug her, but he eventually did and he told her that he loved her, etc. (At this point I walked out of the room, so I'm not sure everything that was said) But when I walked past again, they were snuggling together on the bed and reading books. Later my husband thanked me for helping him through that moment and he was surprised at how well it worked. It was such a breakthrough in his mind for Positive Discipline, it was awesome!!!

As soon as I finish the Positive Time Out book, I plan to hold a family meeting and start implementing asap! I love the concept and I am confident it will work in my family! (Even for my strong willed children!) Thanks for all you do!"

First Live Chat on the Positive Discipline Network

2009-11-02T20:01:00.000-08:00

If you are not already a member of the Positive Discipline Network, you might want to join (it's complimentary) and join us for the first live chat on November 9, at 6:30 PM PST and 9:30 EST. You can register for the event here.
Following is an article and activity related to the topic we will discuss:

When does Positive Discipline stop being Positive Discipline?

Kindness and Firmness--When Less is More

By Jane Nelsen

Many people are drawn to Positive Discipline because they want to treat their children respectfully and they are against punishment. Others want to learn how to use punishment in positive way and are shocked when they learn that Positive Discipline does not advocate any form of punishment. They assume, therefore, the Positive Discipline advocates permissiveness—far from the truth.

A person who is against punishment often marries a person who thinks eliminating punishment leads to permissiveness—whoops! Many of you have heard me share about Mr./Mrs. Strict and Mr./Mrs. Lenient:

Opposites Attract: When One Parent Is Kind And The Other Is Firm

It is interesting to note that two people with these opposing philosophies often get married. One has a tendency to be just a little too lenient. The other has a tendency to be just a little too strict. Then the lenient parent thinks he or she needs to be just a little more lenient to make up for the mean-old-strict parent. The strict parent thinks he or she needs to be just a little more strict to make up for the wishy-washy lenient parent—so they get further and further apart and fight about who is right and who is wrong. In truth they are both being ineffective.

Enter kindness and firmness at the same time.

Being kind and firm at the same time is a foundation concept of Positive Discipline. PD stops being PD when you are too kind without being firm and/or when you are too firm without being kind.

Positive Discipline stops being Positive Discipline when you are too kind or too firm. The attached activity is designed to increase your awareness of your style, to get into the child’s world to understand what your style may invite, and to practice kindness and firmness and the same time.

Kind and Firm at the Same Time Activity

(Adapted from an activity by Terry Chadsey,

based on the work of Barry Johnson on Polarities)


			Objective: To help parents understand the value of being kind and firm at the same time. Materials: Questionnaire at the end of the directions Comment: Beware of “either/or” thinking. Life is not always about either/or. Think about having to choose between breathing in and breathing out. Wouldn’t it be better to think in terms of both/and?

	Directions:

Fill out the questionnaire below. During the chat we will discuss the following points:

What insights did you gain by filling out the questionnaire?

Do you lean toward being too kind, too firm, or vacillate between the two extremes?

If you have a tendency to be too kind without being firm, what can you learn from people who have a tendency to be firm? If you have a tendency to be too firm without being kind, what can you learn from people you have a tendency to be kind?

Comment: Being just kind or just firm can be as dangerous psychologically as just breathing in or just breathing out can be physiologically. Positive Discipline tools are based on being both kind AND firm.

Questionnaire

(Please answer all questions to increase awareness of yourself land others.)

1. What kind of environment do parents hope to create for children by being kind?

2. What characteristics do parents hope their children will learn from an environment of kindness?

3. What do kind parents think are the negatives of being firm—what kind of environment are they afraid children will experience from too firmness (which they may think of as punishment)?

4. What kind of environment do parents hope to create for children by being firm?

5. What characteristics do parents hope their children learn from and environment of firmness?

6. What do firm parents think are the negatives of being kind—what kind of environment are they afraid children will experience from too kindness (which they may think of as permissive)?

Sense of Humor and CD Packages

2009-10-16T06:59:00.000-07:00

When I started the Positive Discipline Network, I had no idea it would be so gratifying. Members are so supportive and encouraging to each other. And, they share such great material. Heather Hurtt gave permission to use her example in the following article.

Use Your Sense of Humor

By Jane Nelsen and Heather Hurtt

A Positive Discipline Tool Card

When your children are biting, hitting, fighting with each other, are you able to stay calm and loving, or do you lose it?

One mother shared, “I have a 1-year-old daughter and 3-1/2-year-old son and at times my son hits his sister, hits me, hits other kids at the playground. It's normal for this to totally get to you and I have totally lost it completely on more than one occasion with my son because I could simply not take it anymore and be calm. One of the things I do now to try and diffuse it for him and to stay calm for me is to use humor. First, I'll try to validate the feeling - like I see you want some attention from Mommy and then in a silly voice..."Mommy likes kisses, not hitting or biting," and I'll grab both arms and give him some funny kisses on his face, neck or arm, etc., and then throw in a tickle.

Another idea could be to validate and then simply say, “Ouch, hitting hurts,” and then redirect immediately with something physical like, “Let's race to the kitchen,” and then later on do a role-play about it with her and what other type of behavior she could use.

When it has gotten bad where my son has repeated the behavior several times and I'm feeling more and more emotionally upset, I literally will remove myself physically from the situation and say, “Mommy needs to go to her “feel better place” (my positive time-out) and then we will play.”

This mother represents many mothers—who sometimes lose it and sometimes are very creative at being kind and firm at the same time. She also knows that a sense of humor is not always appropriate and that just taking care of herself is the wisest thing she can do before she can be more pro-active with her child. Even that is being very pro-active—giving her child a great example of learning to take some time to feel better before she can do better. (See the Positive Time-Out Tool Card.)

Positive Discipline CDs:
Kelly Heet gave permission to use her name (and her husbands) for the following tip: Just a tip for those of you who have husbands who aren't "readers"... try the CDs! My husband always says he doesn't have time to read parenting books, but when I gave him the CDs to listen to in his car, he thanked me profusely and said "now I can see why you've been wanting me to do this!"

Kelly Heet (and Paul)

Baldwin, MO

The CDs are now available in money saving packages

Workshop in Spanish and Positive Discipline Network

2009-10-13T17:31:00.000-07:00

Two-day Workshop in Spanish

First I want to share the exciting news that Laura Garcia is offering another 2-day workshop on Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way in Spanish. For more information on here workshop and all the other 2-day workshops, go to www.positivediscipline.org.

Positive Discipline Social Network

When I created the Positive Discipline Social Network, I had no idea it would be so wonderful—thanks to members like Kelly Heet. Following is her comment to a mother of a 2 ½-year-old who was feeling very discouraged by her daughter’s challenging behaviors:

First off, take some time-out for yourself. When I find myself getting to my wits end, I know that I have been neglecting myself. Even just taking an hour to do something for you (with no kids) can probably work wonders.

Next, Have you read any of the Positive Discipline books? If not, I'd highly recommend it. If you are looking for some overview material, check out the PD website, and listen to the podcasts.

We've all been there (feeling like there is nothing that works, and nothing left to try...), but please give PD a chance. It has been a godsend to our family (and so many others). The #1 thing you will discover is that children WANT to feel like they belong, and that they are making a significant contribution... so helping them to find a way to do that helps to eliminate soooooo many of the problems that we all used to have with more traditional discipline methods (read: punishments).

My "top 5" useful hints from PD are:

1) What can you do to help Mommy?

2) Would you like to do (blank) or (blank)? - [Just be sure that either choice is OK with you BEFORE you offer it]

3) Would you like a hug?

4) I see that you are very upset right now... I can understand that.

5) I love you and the answer is no.

At 2 1/2, she probably does think that the "time out" game is pretty funny. When you start to look at things from the point of view of a child that young, you'll see how many of the things we do as adults must seem pretty silly to small children. : )

I tell people that I had so many "aha" moments when reading PD, that I had a red mark on my forehead for about a week (from slapping my head and saying "well of COURSE!!")

When I started using PD, I started with a routine chart for both morning and bedtime... and that alone helped cut about half of the battles I used to have with my son. Just a suggestion.

Best of luck to you!

Kelly Heet

This is just one example of the encouraging support offered by so many members of the PD Network. Thanks so much to all of you.

Encouragement: What does it mean and how is it done?

2009-09-07T10:28:00.000-07:00

Two Positive Discipline Tool Cards

By Jane Nelsen

Rudolf Dreikurs taught, “A child needs encouragement as a plant needs water.” In other words, encouragement is essential. Children may not die without encouragement, but they certainly wither.

Since encouragement is so essential, it would be good for parents to know exactly what encouragement means and how to do it. Let’s start with what encouragement is not.

Encouragement is Not Praise

Praise is not encouraging because it teaches children to become “approval junkies.” They learn to depend on others to evaluate their worth. Research by Carol Dweck, Ph.D. a professor at Columbia University, has now proven what Adler taught years ago. Praise is not good for children. Dweck found that praise can hamper risk taking. Children who were praised for being smart when they accomplished a task chose easier tasks in the future. They didn’t want to risk making mistakes. On the other hand, children who were “encouraged” for their efforts were willing to choose more challenging tasks when given a choice. ^[1]

As Dreikurs said, “Encourage the deed [or effort], not the doer.” In other words, instead of, “You got an A, I’m so proud of you,” try, “You worked hard. You deserve it.”

Encouragement is not Cheering, Clapping, and Commenting on Everything a Child Does

Parents talk too much. Sometimes the talking is called “lecturing,” and sometimes it is an attempt to be encouraging. A trend today is for parents to think they have to make a comment (in the name of encouragement) on everything a child does. Even worse is when they think they should clap and cheer.

Imagine you are a two-year-old child and you have just poured your own milk from a small measuring cup into a small cup. What are you feeling? When I get into that role, I’m feeling proud of myself—and very capable.

Stay in the role and now imagine your mother starts clapping and cheering? The most popular cheer is, “You did it!” What are you feeling now? When I get into that role it is interesting that I still feel proud. I even like it that my mother is cheering. However, when I dig deep, I’m starting to believe I need to do well to please my mother.

Clapping and cheering is a form of praise, and the danger is that children do like it. They don’t understand the subtle beginnings of the need to please and/or the fear that they might not—or the power to rebel as the only way to hang on to themselves. All of these feelings and decisions are being formed at a subconscious level. Cheering, clapping and commenting on everything a child does are subtle ways of making your child’s accomplishments more about you than about him or her. It actually robs your child of maintaining his or her sense of personal satisfaction and feelings of capability.

Encouragement Is:

Encouragement is helping your children develop courage—courage to grow and develop into the people they want to be—to feel capable, to be resilient, to enjoy life, to be happy, contributing members of society, and, as Dreikurs said, “To have the courage to be imperfect,” to feel free to make mistakes and to learn from them.

So, now I must go back to what encouragement is not.

Encouragement is not rescuing, fixing, over-protecting

What would happen if the mother bird felt guilty about pushing her baby bird out of the nest so it will learn to fly? The baby bird would not survive. How well do our children survive when they don’t develop their disappointment muscles, their resiliency muscles, their delayed gratification muscles, and their courage to be imperfect muscles? When parents rescue, fix, and overprotect, they rob their children of the opportunity to learn that they can survive disappointment; that they can survive the ups and downs of life and learn many life skills in the process.

How to Encourage

Positive Discipline tools such as the following are designed to be encouraging to children:

1. Family Meetings where children learn to give and receive compliments and learn to brainstorm for solutions to problems.

2. Curiosity Questions to invite children how to think instead of what to think—and to give them a sense of choice to use their personal power for social responsibility.

3. Letting Go so children have opportunities to learn and grow—mistakes and all.

4. Having Faith in children so they can develop faith in themselves.

5. Spending Special Time to make sure the message of love gets through.

There are many more—all designed to be empowering instead of enabling. A new Positive Discipline tool is called Energetic Encouragement.

Energetic Encouragement

Sometimes, the most encouraging thing a parent can do is to sit close by and keep his or her mouth shut while simply sending out energetic support. A unique feature of Positive Discipline parenting classes and workshops is to use experiential activities to help parents practice skills and “get into the child’s world” to process the effects of their skills.

In a recent workshop I asked a volunteer to be her 5-year-old who has temper tantrums when she "wants something now." I had her sit in a chair next to me (so we didn't have to sit on the floor) and told her to role-play her daughter having a tantrum while I role-played the mom sending out energetic support. All I did was sit there and watch her with a compassionate look on my face. It was fun to process with her later how she was aware of what I was doing even though she was in the middle of her tantrum. She shared that she felt loved and supported—even though she was a little frustrated that her tantrum didn’t “work.”

I pointed out that when children feel confused because their behavior isn’t “working,” they are ready to go “shopping” for a new behavior. So, even though a Positive Discipline Tool doesn’t seem to be encouraging changed behavior, it may be effective in the long-term once the child decides to shop for another behavior. Use the following questions to make sure you provide an encouraging shopping environment:

Are you promoting SELF-evaluation or dependence on the evaluation of others?
Are you inviting your child to think or telling him what to think?
Are you allowing your child to figure things out for herself or engaging her in problem solving), or are you rescuing and fixing things for her?
Are you considering what your child might be thinking, feeling and deciding in response to what you do or say, or do you avoid getting into your child’s world?
Are you helping your child feel capable or dependent?

If you can answer yes to the first part of each of these questions, it is likely that you are being encouraging to your child. If not, now might be a good time to start allowing for the courage to be imperfect. J

[1] http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/ to read the complete article

Children Full of Life

2009-08-20T19:54:00.000-07:00

I loved watching this series of five videos, and I think you will too. Be sure to watch all five videos of this amazing teacher (don’t know how to spell his name) as he helps children learn to own and express their feelings, to take responsibility for their actions, to learn empathy and concern for others. This teacher, who is characteristically kind and loving, also feels comfortable with expressing anger—and is then willing to be challenged by his students for an unreasonable punishment. The students decided that the solution should be related to the problem—a basic Positive Discipline concept. As Alfred Adler once said, the truth is discovered over and over in many places—or something like that. This Japanese teacher captures the essence of Positive Discipline in the Classroom and could have written the books (if we hadn't beat him to it. :-)

http://www.empoweringpeople.com/teachers.html

POLITICS AND POSITIVE DISCIPLINE

2009-08-18T16:44:00.000-07:00

If you have listened to the news lately, you have heard some of the debates over healthcare reform. The fighting, shouting, name-calling and taking things out of context, could be humorous if we were watching three-year-olds.

What could the politicians and “talking heads” learn by observing a Positive Discipline Class Meeting or a Positive Discipline Family Meeting?

To be respectful?
To take turns talking instead of interrupting each other. (Maybe they could even start using a talking stick to know whose turn it is.)
To stop the name-calling, taking things out of context, slanting comments to fit their point of view.
To listen and validate another point of view. (Validating does not mean agreeing.)
To stop focusing on being right and making each other wrong.
To brainstorm for solutions and choose those that are respectful to everyone.
To develop social interest (concern for the needs of everyone) instead of power to push personal agendas.

What would happen if everyone refused to listen to all 24-hour news stations for a week? A month would be even better. We wouldn’t miss anything. They would still be talking about the same things, 24-7. And, they might get the message that we are not entertained by so much negativity. Anyone want to join me in a book titled Positive Discipline for Politicians and Talking Heads?

Just kidding.

7 Tips for a Happy, Successful School Year

2009-08-03T21:00:00.000-07:00

I'm very happy to share this excellent article by Mike Brock (with his permission), a Licensed Professional Counselor in Texas and a Certified Positive Discipline Associate. He is also co-author with me, Cheryl Erwin, and Mary Hughes of Positive Discipline for Christian Families.

7 Parenting Tips for a Happy, Successful School Year
by Mike Brock, LPC, CPDA

Her mother was a fastidious archetype of the 1950s, so fanatical about having the perfect household that she did her children’s homework to ensure it was just right.
-from an August 2008 report in The Dallas Morning News

It’s hard to imagine how things can get so ugly so quickly
just because the word “homework” has come up, but they do.
-Anne Lamott, Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith, 2005

For many children and their parents, returning to school is a joyful occasion—reconnecting with school friends and families, the excitement of purchasing school supplies and new clothes, the return to the comfort and normalcy of the school routine, and, of course, the gift of a little breathing space for Mom and Dad.
But for many other children, the new school year brings with it a large dose of anxiety: Will I struggle like I did last year? Will I make any new friends? Will I be bullied or isolated? Will the teacher like me?
And for many parents, the specter of another year dealing with various school-related issues, perhaps foremost of which is homework, creates its own anxiety, as suggested by the above quotes. To help reduce that anxiety and replace it with a sense of joyful anticipation of what the school year can bring, I offer the following seven parenting tips for a happy, successful school year:

1. Project a positive attitude about school and confidence that your children will experience success and happiness. Communicate to your children through words and body language that you are excited about the new school year and confident they will enjoy it. Children pick up on the messages we send, so make those messages optimistic and hopeful.
2. Establish supportive home routines. The school year calls for renewed attention to home routines, such as those surrounding bedtime, morning, and meals. Children appreciate and thrive on the routines that we parents establish. It gives them comfort and security and better prepares them for the routines and expectations of the school day. One routine consistently correlated with success in school is the family dinner, all family members around the table together—make it a habit as often as possible.
3. Avoid the temptation to make schooling a competitive sport by over-focusing on grades. Our culture is plagued by competitiveness in all areas of life—sports, fashion, looks, talents, wealth, and more. Let’s protect our children’s school experience from this hyper-competitiveness by focusing on their own gifts and talents and avoiding comparisons with others.
4. Remember that homework is a contract between the teacher and the student, not between the teacher and the parent. Somewhere along the way, many parents have come to believe that children are incapable of doing their own homework. This is not good for the child, who needs to learn how to deal with his own responsibilities, or for the parent, whose anxiety level and patience are often strained to the breaking point over homework issues. Homework is the child’s responsibility, not the parents’. (And school personnel need to assist in this area by ensuring that the amount of homework is reasonable and the quality is such that the child is capable of doing it on her own.)
5. Establish family rules related to TV, computer, and video game usage. There is a place for electronic learning (and playing), but every minute in front of a monitor is a minute away from family communication. No one forms a healthy relationship with a monitor; we only form relationships with real people, and home is where those relationships and the life skills surrounding them are born and developed.
6. Make optimum use of parent/child time during trips to and from school. Make travel time between school and home a cell phone-free experience. Think of the message we send our children when our attention is given to others on the way to and from school. And think of the message we give them when we put aside our cell phone and tune into what’s going on in their lives.
7. Avoid the temptation to over-involve your children in after-school activities. Life is getting busier every year for our children, as well as for the parent, usually Mom, whose job it has become to spend late afternoons and evenings as family chauffer. How many activities our children should participate in is a personal choice, and a key word here is balance—for example, one sport at a time might be a good rule of thumb. If we adults insist on leading harried, distracted, overworked lives, let us at least spare our children that. Children need far fewer activities after school and far more family time with Mom and Dad.

And one more tip for good measure: Take care of yourself. I love the metaphor of the oxygen mask, in the familiar words of the flight attendant: “If you are traveling with a small child, put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then on your child.” We are no help to anyone if we are not taking good care of ourselves. Take care of yourself—physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, relationally, and spiritually. Make it a priority—for your sake, as well as for your children’s.

Looking for back-to-school parenting seminars or teacher workshops? Contact Mike at 214-364-4154, mike@mikebrock.org, or www.mikebrock.org I have recommended Mike for many speaking engagements and he always gets rave reviews. Jane Nelsen

Agreements: When Children Don’t Keep Them and Seven Steps to Encourage Cooperation

2009-07-30T16:04:00.000-07:00

A Positive Discipline Tool Card
By Jane Nelsen

Why don’t children keep their agreements? Could it be that sometimes parents say, “This is what we are going to do! Do you agree?” When the question is asked in an authoritarian manner that doesn’t really leave room for argument, children often shrug in agreement, which really means, “Sure, I’ll agree to get you off my back, but I don’t really agree.”

Involvement=cooperation

Children will usually keep their agreements when they have been respectfully involved in creating the agreements, which requires several steps. The reason for the word “usually” will be discussed later.

1. Sit down together during a calm time (not at the time of conflict) and have a respectful discussion about the issue that requires an agreement. It is important to wait until everyone has calmed down before a rational discussion can be achieved.

2. During the discussion time, be sure that everyone has an opportunity to share his or her thoughts and feelings about the issue. Interruptions are not allowed when someone is sharing. Some families use a three minute sand flow timer. The person who is sharing can have the whole three minutes, or can stop before his or her time is up by saying so. The person or people listening are not allowed to defend, explain, or give their opinion until it is their turn.

3. Brainstorming comes only after everyone has had a chance to share. Make brainstorming fun where any suggestion is written down—no matter how wild or crazy. Do not give opinions about brainstorm ideas. This is not the time for discussion. Just get lots of ideas written down on paper. It is a good idea to focus on solutions.

4. During agreement time, it is okay to discuss the pros and cons of each brainstormed idea. You might start by asking:

1) Is there anything that should be eliminated because it is not practical? (Perhaps you can’t afford it, or you don’t have other resources available to accomplish the idea.)
2) Is there anything that should be eliminated because it is disrespectful to anyone involved?
3) Is there anything that should be eliminated because it wouldn’t really solve the problem?

5. Hopefully their will be some suggestions left. Choose one that everyone can agree to.

6. If appropriate, choose an exact time for completion of the agreement. For example, if your daughter agreed to mow the lawn, negotiate for a time that works for both of you.

7. When an agreement isn’t kept, respectfully ask, “What was our agreement?” Read on to discover why this may be necessary.

The reason children “usually” keep their agreements when they have been respectfully involved. Children are children. Even when they really do intend to keep their agreements, they don’t have the same priorities as adults. They may intend to mow the lawn, but since it is not high on their priority list, it may be “forgotten.” How often do you get to the items you should do, but that are not high on your list of priorities? Since having the lawn mowed is high on your priority list, and since you have respectfully involved your child in creating an agreement which included a specific deadline; it is okay to respectfully ask your child, “What was our agreement?”

If these steps don’t promote successful agreement, start again from the top. During step two you may discover the reasons—and you will be giving everyone an opportunity to keep learning from mistakes.

NEW POSITIVE DISCIPLINE NETWORK

2009-06-17T21:38:00.000-07:00

In this blog:

1) NEW PRODUCT: Positive Discipline Tool cards: Special Pre-publication Special
2) NEW POSITIVE DISCIPLINE NETWORK

After several years in the making, they are at the printers.

52 Positive Discipline Tools to Improve your Parenting Skills Three Ways to have fun with the deck (or use your creativity):
Choose one card and practice for a week. In one year you’ll be a perfect parent— or you can start again.

When faced with a challenge, choose a card at random. Chances are that it will be the perfect tool to solve the problem while teaching your child self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation, and problem-solving skills—or you can try another card.

Invite your children to choose a card and let you know if it is the tool that will solve the problem—or keep choosing until they find one that will.

Retail Price: $14.95 Pre-Publication Special: $9.95 (Cards will be available in July)
Available at http://www.empoweringpeople.com/ under products for parents.
Pre-publication special will end August 1, 2009

POSITIVE DISCIPLINE NETWORK

I would like to invite you to join new Positive Discipline Network by going to http://www.positivediscipline.ning.com/ where you will find:

1) Special groups to join such as PD the First Three Years, Positive Discipline for Preschoolers (for Single Parents, Teens, Divorce, Positive Discipline in the Classroom, Therapists and Coaches who use Positive Discipline in their work, etc.)
2) You can start your own Positive Discipline group. Perhaps you would like to find others in your area.
3) Questions and answers on the practical application of Positive Discipline.
4) Discussions such as Media Woes in the PD for Teens Group
5) Book excerpts from the book being written by me and my daughter on "Positive Discipline the Second Generation: Easier Said than Done," in the PD the First Three Years Group (which will eventually move to the PD for Preschoolers group as the "boys" get older).
6) A group for Positive Discipline Parent Educators to share new activities and other ideas (plus info on how to become a PDPE).
7) Announcements of two-day Positive Discipline Training workshops and other Positive Discipline Events
8) Events where PD classes and workshops can be posted
9) Your own profile page where you can post photos and even an RSS feed to your blog if you have one. (Check out Brad Ainge's blog on Single Parenting. You will laugh out loud--or cry with empathy.) Brad is a member of the Single Parents Group.

Become part of a Positive Discipline community dedicated to creating peace in the world though peace in homes and schools.