Aggressive Preschooler

Question:

Apparently for the past "few weeks" my almost 3-year-old (birthday 3/19) has been pushing and shoving his classmates in his preschool. Today the teacher told me that he poked a little girl in the face and made her cry then refused to look at her when the teacher asked him to tell her he was sorry. I don't know why she didn't tell me this when it first started happening, so I'm not sure exactly when it started. The teacher says there is generally no interaction between my son and the victim prior to the pushing/shoving/hitting. He's just spontaneously doing it.

I have never seen any behavior like this out of him and I'm with him all day long (except for the two mornings he goes to school). He has been a passive child since birth, no signs of aggressive tendencies at all. Before he started school this year and even up until Thanksgiving, he wouldn't even hold his own place in line at the playground. He just let kids push him out of the way and go in front of him. I wanted him to become more assertive, but I sure don't want him to become a bully.

Sam is an only child and we are not going to have any other children. What can I do to nip this behavior in the bud and is this a normal phase even for a well-behaved child?

Answer:

It would take a whole book to explain what might be happening and how to deal with it. I will do my best in a relatively short answer, but please know that to get the whole picture you might want to get a copy of "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers."

I don't know for sure why he has become aggressive. Is he watching cartoons or other programs that depict violence? Is he watching other kids do this at preschool? It could be that he is simply at that age-appropriate, developmental stage where he gets frustrated and doesn't know how to "use his words", so he instinctively pokes, hits, or shoves. This does not mean he is becoming a bully. I question that there is no interaction between your son and the other child (whom I refuse to call a victim). The other child may simply have something your son wants. He could be discouraged about something only he knows in his private logic. There is so much that is unknown.

However, the one thing I do know is that punishment in any form will not help. A sure way to engage in victim/bully training is to rescue the child who is being hurt and to punish the child who is doing the hurting. It doesn't make sense to hurt a child while saying (overtly or covertly), "I'll teach you not to hurt others. Adults who do this are teaching, by example, the very thing they say they are trying to extinguish. They are also inviting the child who has been hurt to adopt a victim mentality by deciding, "I know how to get special attention. I'll just innocently provoke someone to hurt me and then I'll be rescued and treated specially.

I'm not advocating anarchy or permissiveness. Adults need to interfere. They just need to do it in ways that teach social skills – eventually. I say eventually, because two and three-year-olds have limited ability to learn social skills, but that doesn't mean we should teach these skills (mostly through example) for the time they are developmentally ready to incorporate the information. (See the information in the subject on "Apologize, Children Who Won't" below.)
At this age children need lots of supervision, distraction, redirection. In the scenario you describe it might look like this: The teacher might pull your son aside and give him a hug. (I know this sounds like rewarding the behavior, but it is not. I won't go into all the information on a misbehaving child being a discouraged child (except when the behavior is age-appropriate), I will just tell you that this is modeling appropriate touching. After your son feels comforted, the teacher could say, The little girl is feeling bad. Lets go give her a hug so she will feel better too. (It doesn't work to get him to make amends before he feels encouraged himself.) Then the teacher could say, "This is how we touch people. Hitting and poking hurt, but hugs or a hand shake feel good." She could then say, "If she has something you want, you can use your words and say, ‘I want that toy.' She may not be ready to give it to her, but you have used your words." Will he understand all this? No. But he doesn't understand punishment or having to apologize either. The former provides a model of positive action. The latter provides a model of negative action.

Regarding the apology, following is an excerpt from our book "Positive Discipline for Childcare Providers" that will be published this fall.

Apologize, Children Who Won't

Child Development Concept

During a lecture at NAEYC in 2000, Bev Bos said, "Telling a child to say ‘I'm sorry' makes as much sense as demanding that a child say ‘I'm Italian'-- even when she isn't.Caregivers who have studied child development know that the intellectual capabilities of young children have not developed to the point where they can think like adults (see Piaget Demonstrations below), yet many adults act as though they should. Forcing a young child to "Say you are sorry" is an excellent example. Suggestions:

1. While upset, children do not have access to rational thinking. Don't expect a child to do or say anything until she has had time to calm down.

2. Allow time for cooling off. This may mean comforting the child for awhile, validating her feelings, removing her from an upsetting situation (while comforting and/or validating feelings), or simply allowing her to spend some time in a Positive Time-Out area until she feels better. Help the child express her own feelings before helping her consider someone else's feelings. Point to the feelings faces chart and let her choose a picture that expresses her feelings if she can't verbalize them without help.

3. Use what and how questions to help the child explore what happened, how she feels about it, and what ideas she has to solve the problem. Part of this process might be to ask, "How do you think the other person feels?" Again, it may be helpful to look at the feelings faces.

4. After the child has calmed down, feels validated for her feelings, and possibly has identified the other person's feelings, she might be guided to apologize – only if it is her idea. This sometimes happens by asking, "What would make you feel better? Would it help you if the other person gave you a hug, or said she was sorry?" Once the child has identified what might make her feel better, you could ask, "Would you be willing to help the other person feel better? What could you do, and when would you like to do it?" Helping a child decide to so something for someone else (and it may not be an apology) is much different that demanding that they do. The point is to help the child think things through in a friendly environment (which invites sincere concern) instead of demanding an apology (which often invites rebellion or just plain confusion).

5. If the child still doesn't feel like doing anything for the other person, express your faith that she will soon learn to care about and help others.

Tips for working with parents:

Parents often demand that their children apologize because they are embarrassed by their behavior. Help parents understand that you are more interested in long-term, sincere results than in short term-insincerity. You also have an opportunity to educate them on intellectual development so they can understand that children don't think like adults. The following demonstration may help.

Piaget Demonstrations

Jean Piaget was one of the pioneers in understanding the cognitive development of children. He devised these demonstrations to help adults understand how children's thinking differs from their own.

• Take two balls of clay that are the same size. Ask a three-year-old if they are the same. Make adjustments by taking clay from one ball and adding it to the other until the child agrees that they are the same size. Then, right in front of her, smash one ball of clay. Then ask her if they are still the same. She will say no and will tell you which one she thinks is bigger. A five-year-old will tell you they are the same and can tell you why.

• Find four glasses: two glasses that are of the same size, one glass that is taller and thinner, and one glass that is shorter and fatter. Fill the two glasses that are the same size with water until a three-year-old agrees they are the same. Then, right in front of her, pour the water from one of these glasses into the short, fat glass, and the other one into the tall, thin glass. Then ask her if they still hold the same amount of water. Again, she will say no and will tell you which glass she thinks contains the most water. A five-year-old will tell you they contain the same amount and can tell you why.

Both of these examples demonstrate thinking abilities identified by Piaget. When we understand that perceiving, interpreting, and comprehending an event are so markedly different for young children, our expectations as adults alter. The meaning children attach to their experiences does not match the meaning adults attach to the same experiences.

Temper Tantrums—Intense in Public

Question:

Hi! I am the mother of a 3-year-old girl and a 6-month-old son. My question concerns my daughter. She is bright, curious, outgoing and extremely affectionate. However, since she was younger than one, she has always been prone to extreme tantrums. I have read every single one of your books and apply the ideas consistently. I have a lot of faith and confidence in the Positive Discipline philosophy. I believe it has had a remarkable effect on my daughter. My husband and I are trying to teach her (during moments of calm) how to manage her anger and frustration (deep breathing, going to a "special place" to calm down -with or without Mommy, playing with her toys or stuffed animals). Also, I try very hard not to engage in power struggles, since it seems that most of her outbursts relate to misguided power. (Ex: I leave the room without saying anything if she starts to throw her toys. After she calms down, I ask her to pick them up and she always does.) This approach works phenomenally well at home. She gets over her (minor) tantrums and we move on with the day. The problem is in public!!!!

I can't just "walk away" and disengage when she has a tantrum in public. The thing is, her tantrums in public are the worst tantrums I have ever witnessed or imagined in my life (and I'm a teacher and have taught many different age groups). Obviously, I absolutely can't reason with her or talk to her because she's hitting, kicking, punching my face (which really hurts and is embarrassing), banging things and screaming. When she was younger, I simply carried her to the car and kindly and firmly put her in her car seat and drove home. But now she is about 38 pounds. I'm a small person and yesterday when she had a tantrum in the library and I tried to put her in the car, I physically could not do it. I tried to wait for her to calm down, but she was MANIACAL. Someone offered to help me put the baby in the car, but no one could help me with her! I physically can't handle these maniacal tantrums now that she's heavier and I have a baby to shuttle around. How do I handle this kindly and firmly? She will NOT calm down in front of an
audience, so staying anywhere and waiting for her to calm down is not an option. Please help!!! I dread taking her to the most mundane places because I'm afraid of an outburst.

By the way, the tantrum occurred because the library put a new computer in
the children's section with children's software. Before story time, my daughter saw the computer and wanted to play with it. The librarian said that she would turn it on after storytime. My daughter was very cooperative about that. However, after story time two problems occurred: 1) Other children stormed to the computer and my daughter thought she was allowed to be first, and 2)The librarian could not figure out how to turn it on and said everybody would have to wait until next week. Within 10 seconds, my daughter turned into a completely different human being!!!

Answer:

Robyn, You have my empathy--especially since it sounds like you are doing all the "right" things. You probably read about temperaments in Positive Discipline the First Three Years and Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, so you know about Intensity of Reactions. A quote from the first book follows:

Children often respond to events around them in different ways. Some smile quietly or merely take a look, then go back to what they were doing; others react with action and emotion. Some children wear their hearts on their little sleeves; they giggle and shriek with laughter when happy and throw impressive tantrums when angry.

One of my favorite quotes from a book by Charlie Shedd called, Letters to Karen is:

A person's faults are the price you pay for their virtues. I'm sure that your daughter's extreme intensify of reaction includes many delightful virtues. So, what to do about the "faults?"

1) Some of this you just may have to live through and "try" not to be bothered about what others think. As she gets older, you can teach her more about managing her tantrums.

2) Know that some of her behavior may be influenced by feeling "dethroned" by the birth of a baby brother. Go to www.janenelsen.com and click on the "video of Dr. Nelsen" and watch the top one on "dealing with the belief behind the behavior."
These first two suggestions are just about understanding her.

3) It may help to sincerely validate her feelings. You can listen to a wonderful example by going to www.positivedisicpline.com and scroll down to the left and click on podcast and list to No. 46 on Taming Temper Tantrums. After doing this interview with Aisha, I was attending a birthday party for my one-year-old grandson. A three-year-old really wanted to open his presents. She had a temper tantrum when her mother wouldn't let her. I went over to them and asked the mother, "Can I try something." She gave her permission so I knelt know in front of the little girl having a tantrum and said, "You are really mad that you can't have those presents. You really want those presents." She stopped crying and snuggled into her Mom's lap. It is very important that validating feelings not be done in a mocking manner, but really trying to help the child feel "felt."

Of course, nothing works every time or with every child. However this suggestion goes along with the importance of just letting children have their feelings without trying to fix them or take them away. Just letting children have their feelings helps them learn that they pass and that they can survive disappointment.

4) By the time she is four, it will be very important to get her involved in family meetings and joint problem-solving sessions where she can practice using her problem-solving skills to find solutions to her dilemmas. During a calm time, you can start doing this with her now. Just don't expect the skills to "kick in" until she is four because of brain development.

5) Part of the the above can to use "curiosity questions," to get into her world and help her think for herself instead of "telling" her what to think. It might go something like this (but don't use a script--be in the moment and come from you heart). After she has calmed down, ask her what happened, how she felt about it, what other might be feeling (no lectures here), and what are her ideas to solve the problem? Of course, this doesn't solve the problem at the time of the tantrum, but it can be preventative--the more she learns to think in terms of finding solutions. This is a great way to teach children to use their personal power in constructive ways which decreases their need to misbehave as a mistaken way to use their power.

6) Since she is too big to remove her, use the tool of "deciding what you will do." Let her know in advance. This may be very hard in public, but you may want to let her know that you will just leave the room. (Remember, it is more important to help your child learn that to be concerned about what others think.) It could be that you'll become "the tickle monster" who tickles children who are having a tantrum. It could be that you have a special paper bag that you can put over your head. You could write on it, "I'm having faith in my daughter to learn that she can survive disappointment." I want to repeat, let her know in advance what you are going to do--and even role-play with her during a calm time. Whatever you do, it must be both kind and firm at the same time--never humiliating. (I know you already know this, but others who read it may not.)

7) Ask for a hug. Listen to podcast No.39 for a great story about the power of a hug.

8) As she gets older, you can teach her about positive time out. A good podcast to help you get ready for this is No. 47. (And, of course, it is explained more thoroughly in all of the Positive Discipline books.

These are just a few suggestions. Have you read about Temper Tantrums in Positive Discipline A-Z? That includes many more possibilities. Hopefully, one of these will help.

Son Prefers Cookies

Question:

Hi Jane,

My son has decided that he really likes cookies and prefers them over a lot of other foods. We often serve him his normal, healthy food and tell him that if he finishes it or eats a few more bites, he can have a cookie. The power struggle between us and him is getting more difficult and time consuming. It is frustrating because it is hard to communicate to a child why he should eat food that doesn't taste as good as cookies, I can definitely understand his view!

Brad

Answer:

Hi Brad,

You don't say how old your son is, but in any case I would have the same advice. Stop buying cookies. This reminds me of a true story I tell in Positive Discipline about a woman who told me her daughter didn't want to eat anything but potato chips. I asked her where her daughter got the potato chips and she said, "I buy them because she won't eat anything else." I don't mean to be disrespectful, but, "Duh!"

If you stop buying cookies, your son may have temper tantrums. Kindly validate his feelings of disappointment and don't say anything else. Allow him to have his feelings, but remain firm about not buying cookies. This is one example of the foundation principle of Positive Discipline--to be kind and firm at the same time.

If you get the principle of what I'm saying, it will expand into other situations. For example, put good food on the table and have healthy snacks available in a drawer or in the fridge. Then don't say a word about what he eats. When dinner time is over, clear off the table and throw away or store anything he hasn't eaten. When he complains that he is still hungry, smile and say something like, "I'll bet you are. I love you and I have faith in you. I'm sure you can figure out what to do about that." Then keep your mouth shut. He'll figure out that he can get the healthy snacks, or eat more at the next meal.

I have started emphasizing the importance of "connection before correction." For an excellent example go to the podcast where I interview Marianne McGinnis http://www.positivediscipline.com/podcast/index.html #49 and the supporting article on my blog at http://blog.positivediscipline.com/2007/10/workshop-results.html

I hope this helps.
Jane Nelsen

Logical Consequences and Avoiding Morning Hassles

Question on Logical Consequences and Avoiding Morning Hassles Answered Via Focusing on Soltuions Podcast.

I will now be answering as many questions as I can find time for via Podcasts. Please let me know if you are willing to have your question answered this way. I can’t promise to get to all of them, but will certainly try. (So many wonderful opportunities, and not enough time.) Also let me know if I can use your first name.

Many of you may have read the article on No More Logical Consequences—At Least Hardly Ever NO MORE LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES All of the Positive Discipline books now emphasize the importance of focusing on solutions. I’m still trying to get the word out. You may find the following question and Podcast answer helpful. Read the question and then go to Focusing on Solutions #43 (Avoiding morning hassles) PD-2007-06-07.mp3 to listen to the answer and Karas_Bedtime_Routine.jpg to see an example of the routine chart.


Question:
I am the step-mom of two active boys. One who is 6 and one who is 9. After I moved in a year ago, their father and I have been using your positive approach to raising our kids. Some days we are good at it and some days we have to go back to the books. I have two questions. You are always talking about appropriate consequences. Can you give a novice some specific examples for what appropriate consequences are? What can you do when your 6 (then 5 year old ) Kindergartner, who was never in day care, won't speed up in the morning and is in danger of missing the bus?

My second question is a bit more complicated. It involves their mom. We have sole custody of the kids but she get visitation privileges every other weekend. There is no disciple when the kids are with her. They stay up as late as they want, eat nothing nutritious, talk back to her, fight with each other (All things they do not do when they are with us). Talking to her is not an option, so we do the best we can when the kids are with us. But sometimes is takes a full week to get the kids back to the routine after being with her. That we can kind of handle, but now summer break is here and they are going to be with her for 6 weeks total. (Off and on, we arranged it so the kids are not with her the full 6 weeks at one time.) So the question becomes, how do we keep positive discipline and all the things we have learned together going when they are in such completely different environments?
Thanks so much,