Temper Tantrums—Intense in Public

Question:

Hi! I am the mother of a 3-year-old girl and a 6-month-old son. My question concerns my daughter. She is bright, curious, outgoing and extremely affectionate. However, since she was younger than one, she has always been prone to extreme tantrums. I have read every single one of your books and apply the ideas consistently. I have a lot of faith and confidence in the Positive Discipline philosophy. I believe it has had a remarkable effect on my daughter. My husband and I are trying to teach her (during moments of calm) how to manage her anger and frustration (deep breathing, going to a "special place" to calm down -with or without Mommy, playing with her toys or stuffed animals). Also, I try very hard not to engage in power struggles, since it seems that most of her outbursts relate to misguided power. (Ex: I leave the room without saying anything if she starts to throw her toys. After she calms down, I ask her to pick them up and she always does.) This approach works phenomenally well at home. She gets over her (minor) tantrums and we move on with the day. The problem is in public!!!!

I can't just "walk away" and disengage when she has a tantrum in public. The thing is, her tantrums in public are the worst tantrums I have ever witnessed or imagined in my life (and I'm a teacher and have taught many different age groups). Obviously, I absolutely can't reason with her or talk to her because she's hitting, kicking, punching my face (which really hurts and is embarrassing), banging things and screaming. When she was younger, I simply carried her to the car and kindly and firmly put her in her car seat and drove home. But now she is about 38 pounds. I'm a small person and yesterday when she had a tantrum in the library and I tried to put her in the car, I physically could not do it. I tried to wait for her to calm down, but she was MANIACAL. Someone offered to help me put the baby in the car, but no one could help me with her! I physically can't handle these maniacal tantrums now that she's heavier and I have a baby to shuttle around. How do I handle this kindly and firmly? She will NOT calm down in front of an
audience, so staying anywhere and waiting for her to calm down is not an option. Please help!!! I dread taking her to the most mundane places because I'm afraid of an outburst.

By the way, the tantrum occurred because the library put a new computer in
the children's section with children's software. Before story time, my daughter saw the computer and wanted to play with it. The librarian said that she would turn it on after storytime. My daughter was very cooperative about that. However, after story time two problems occurred: 1) Other children stormed to the computer and my daughter thought she was allowed to be first, and 2)The librarian could not figure out how to turn it on and said everybody would have to wait until next week. Within 10 seconds, my daughter turned into a completely different human being!!!

Answer:

Robyn, You have my empathy--especially since it sounds like you are doing all the "right" things. You probably read about temperaments in Positive Discipline the First Three Years and Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, so you know about Intensity of Reactions. A quote from the first book follows:

Children often respond to events around them in different ways. Some smile quietly or merely take a look, then go back to what they were doing; others react with action and emotion. Some children wear their hearts on their little sleeves; they giggle and shriek with laughter when happy and throw impressive tantrums when angry.

One of my favorite quotes from a book by Charlie Shedd called, Letters to Karen is:

A person's faults are the price you pay for their virtues. I'm sure that your daughter's extreme intensify of reaction includes many delightful virtues. So, what to do about the "faults?"

1) Some of this you just may have to live through and "try" not to be bothered about what others think. As she gets older, you can teach her more about managing her tantrums.

2) Know that some of her behavior may be influenced by feeling "dethroned" by the birth of a baby brother. Go to www.janenelsen.com and click on the "video of Dr. Nelsen" and watch the top one on "dealing with the belief behind the behavior."
These first two suggestions are just about understanding her.

3) It may help to sincerely validate her feelings. You can listen to a wonderful example by going to www.positivedisicpline.com and scroll down to the left and click on podcast and list to No. 46 on Taming Temper Tantrums. After doing this interview with Aisha, I was attending a birthday party for my one-year-old grandson. A three-year-old really wanted to open his presents. She had a temper tantrum when her mother wouldn't let her. I went over to them and asked the mother, "Can I try something." She gave her permission so I knelt know in front of the little girl having a tantrum and said, "You are really mad that you can't have those presents. You really want those presents." She stopped crying and snuggled into her Mom's lap. It is very important that validating feelings not be done in a mocking manner, but really trying to help the child feel "felt."

Of course, nothing works every time or with every child. However this suggestion goes along with the importance of just letting children have their feelings without trying to fix them or take them away. Just letting children have their feelings helps them learn that they pass and that they can survive disappointment.

4) By the time she is four, it will be very important to get her involved in family meetings and joint problem-solving sessions where she can practice using her problem-solving skills to find solutions to her dilemmas. During a calm time, you can start doing this with her now. Just don't expect the skills to "kick in" until she is four because of brain development.

5) Part of the the above can to use "curiosity questions," to get into her world and help her think for herself instead of "telling" her what to think. It might go something like this (but don't use a script--be in the moment and come from you heart). After she has calmed down, ask her what happened, how she felt about it, what other might be feeling (no lectures here), and what are her ideas to solve the problem? Of course, this doesn't solve the problem at the time of the tantrum, but it can be preventative--the more she learns to think in terms of finding solutions. This is a great way to teach children to use their personal power in constructive ways which decreases their need to misbehave as a mistaken way to use their power.

6) Since she is too big to remove her, use the tool of "deciding what you will do." Let her know in advance. This may be very hard in public, but you may want to let her know that you will just leave the room. (Remember, it is more important to help your child learn that to be concerned about what others think.) It could be that you'll become "the tickle monster" who tickles children who are having a tantrum. It could be that you have a special paper bag that you can put over your head. You could write on it, "I'm having faith in my daughter to learn that she can survive disappointment." I want to repeat, let her know in advance what you are going to do--and even role-play with her during a calm time. Whatever you do, it must be both kind and firm at the same time--never humiliating. (I know you already know this, but others who read it may not.)

7) Ask for a hug. Listen to podcast No.39 for a great story about the power of a hug.

8) As she gets older, you can teach her about positive time out. A good podcast to help you get ready for this is No. 47. (And, of course, it is explained more thoroughly in all of the Positive Discipline books.

These are just a few suggestions. Have you read about Temper Tantrums in Positive Discipline A-Z? That includes many more possibilities. Hopefully, one of these will help.

Hitting and Spanking

The most rewarding part of my work is hearing from people who have found it so encouraging in their lives. I just happened to be answering the Positive Discipline phones when Tiana called about an order. She shared how thrilled she was with Positive Discipline, so I encouraged her to take the two-day workshop, Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way, so she could learn even more and teach others. Tiana was excited about the idea. I asker her if she would also be willing to write down some of the things she said so I could share her enthusiasm for others. Imagine my joy when I received the following from Tiana.

Dear Jane,
I always knew I never wanted to spank or "put down" my children, but wasn't really sure how to go about discipline in any other way. I asked about everyone I knew for resources and finally my priest's wife told me about your book. The title said it all. I couldn't wait for guidance, solutions and other options. I have a two year old boy named Lawson and there is NOTHING more important to me than helping him to develop into a healthy, self-reliant, well mannered person who is loving to himself
and others. I knew that every word I said, every expression my face and body displayed to him, was creating who this little person was going to be.
I live in the deep south of Mississippi where "Spare the rod/ Spoil the child" is the way. As Lawson grew and started needing guidance I felt so much frustration, a loss of how to handle such things as hitting. After reading your book I felt peace, a since of calmness & hope. I now had direction. Things are so much better in my household and I just wish all children had parents with the knowledge of your positive ways. The world would for sure be a better place. I can't wait to get more involved in learning and possibly teaching others. Jane, you are a true gift to parents and mostly children. Thank you for all your hard work in educating us parents.
Sincerely, Tiana
Jackson, Mississippi

Thank you Tiana.
I've decided to share an excerpt from Positive Discipline A-Z by Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott on Hitting, so others can get an idea of what Tiana found so helpful—and so others can experience the format of this book that provides non-punitive solutions for just about every behavior challenge you can think of.





Hitting and Spanking
"I have tried everything I can think of to get my child to stop hitting her little brother. Sometimes she hits me. This really makes me angry. Punishment doesn't seem to work. I have spanked her and made her say she is sorry, but the next day she is hitting again."



Understanding Your Child, Yourself, and the SituationHow are we ever going to teach our children it is not okay to hurt others when we keep hurting them? We are reminded of a cartoon depicting a mother spanking her child while saying, "I'll teach you not to hit someone smaller than you." When children hit, it could be that their feelings are hurt. (Children can feel hurt or frustrated just because they can't get what they want – now!) You probably feel hurt and frustrated, too, because you want your child to treat others respectfully and may even worry that your child's behavior is a reflection on you as a parent. Perhaps you are overreacting and treating your child disrespectfully out of shame and embarrassment, trying to prove to the other adults around that you won't let your child get away with this behavior.
Most likely your child simply doesn't have the words or skills to get her needs met and lashes out (hits) because she doesn't know what else to do. Toddlers are short on both language and social skills, and when they play together they can easily become frustrated. When they lack the ability to express what's wrong in words, hitting and other types of aggression sometimes result. It is developmentally normal for toddlers to hit. It is the parent's job to supervise and handle toddlers kindly and firmly until they are ready to learn more effective ways to communicate. Kids will grow out of it if they get help (skills training) instead of a model of violence (hitting back).

Suggestions

1. Take the child by the hand and say, "It is not okay to hit people. I'm sorry you are feeling hurt and upset. You can talk about it or you can hit this pillow, but people aren't for hitting."



2. Help the child deal with the anger. (See Angry Child.)



3. With children under the age of four, try giving them a hug before removing them from the situation. This models a loving method while showing them that hitting is not okay. Hugging does not reinforce the misbehavior.



4. You never really know at what age a child begins to understand language. For that reason, use words such as, "Hitting hurts people. Let's find something else you can do," even if you think your child can't understand.



5. Show children what they can do instead of telling them what not to do. If you have a child that has a pattern of hitting, supervise closely. Every time she starts to hit, gently catch her hand and say, “Touch nicely,” while showing her how to touch nicely.



6. When your preschooler hits you, decide what you will do instead of trying to control your child. Let her know that every time she hits you, you will put her down and leave the room until she is ready to treat you respectfully. After you have told her this once, follow through without any words. Leave immediately.



7. Later you might tell your child, "That really hurts" or "That hurts my feelings. If I have done something to hurt your feelings, I would like to know about it so I can apologize. When you are ready, an apology would help me feel better." Do not demand or force an apology.

Planning Ahead to Prevent Future Problems

1. When children are pre-verbal, take time for training without expecting that the training will “take hold” until they get older. (Lots of supervision is the main parenting tool for pre-verbal children – along with distraction and redirection.) Help her practice touching family members or animals softly. Show your child how to be gentle and say, “Pat, pat,” or “People are for hugging, not hitting.”(See Booster Thought 2 ) This does not eliminate the need for supervision until she is old enough to understand.



2. Teach verbal children that feelings are different from actions. Feelings are never bad. They are just feelings. Tell your child that what he feels is okay, but it's still not okay to hit others, even if he is angry. He can tell someone, “I'm angry because____and I wish ________.” Help children brainstorm ways to deal with feelings that are respectful to themselves and others. One possibility is to tell people what he doesn't like. Another possibility is for him to leave the scene if he is being treated disrespectfully.



3. Get your child involved in creating a Positive Time Out area. Teach her that sometimes we need time to calm down until we feel better before doing anything. Don't send her to time out, but let her know that she can choose her special time-out area any time she thinks it will help her feel better. Sometimes, when she doesn't want to use her special time out area, ask her if you can use it until you feel better – or create your own and model using it to feel better.



4. Find ways to encourage your children with unconditional love and by teaching skills that help them feel capable and confident.



5. Show that hitting is unacceptable by never hitting your child. If you make a mistake and hit your child, use the Three R's of Recovery to apologize so your child knows hitting is not acceptable for you either. (See Part 1, page xx.)



6. Look around and see if there are ways you are hurting your child without realizing it. Are you sending your child to his or her room frequently, scolding and criticizing regularly, singling out the child when a problem occurs? If so your child may be feeling really hurt and upset and the hitting is a way to strike back at the world. Be more encouraging and positive and stop the hurtful behaviors and see if you don't notice a change in the hitting behavior.

Life Skills Children Can LearnChildren can learn that it is not okay to hurt others. Their feelings are not bad and they are not bad people, and they can get help to find actions that are respectful to themselves and to others. They can learn that what they do doesn't define who they are. They are not a bad child because they hit, but the behavior is unacceptable.


Parenting Pointers

1. Be aware of the discouraged belief behind the misbehavior. A child who hits usually is operating from the mistaken goal of revenge with the belief, "I don't feel like I belong and am important and that hurts, so I want to hurt back." Children will feel encouraged when you respect their feelings and help them act appropriately.



2. Many people use the biblical admonition "spare the rod and spoil the child" as an excuse for spanking. Biblical scholars tell us the rod was never used to hit the sheep. The rod was a symbol of authority or leadership, and the staff or crook was used to gently prod and guide. Our children definitely need gentle guidance and prodding, but they do not need to be beaten, struck, or humiliated.



3. Don't hit your child to show an onlooker that you are a good parent and not going to allow your child to get away with something. Your relationship with your child is much too important for that.

Booster ThoughtsGrandma had the opportunity to take care of her 18-month-old granddaughter for a week while her parents were on vacation. Sage was developing the habit of hitting when she felt frustrated (or, it seemed, just for the fun of it). She would hit her grandma and the dog – sometimes for no apparent reason at all. Grandma watched closely for the hitting to start and would gently grab Sage's hand and say, “Touch nicely,” while guiding her hand to gently stroke her grandma's cheek or the dog. Soon Sage would start to hit, but would first look at her grandma who would say, “Touch nicely.” Sage would grin and touch nicely. Within a few days, Sage was touching nicely instead of hitting. (It is much more effective to show children what they can do instead of telling them what not to do.)
________
He: There are times when it is necessary to spank my children to teach them important lessons. For example, I spank my two-year-old to teach her not to run into the street.
She: After you have spanked your two-year-old to teach her not to run in the street, will you let her play unsupervised by a busy street?
He: Well, no.
She: Why not? If the spanking teaches her not to run into the street, why can't she play unsupervised by the street? How many times would you need to spank her before you would feel she has learned the lesson well enough?
He: Well, I wouldn't let her play unsupervised near a busy street until she was six or seven years old.
She: I rest my case. Parents have the responsibility to supervise young children in dangerous situations until children are old enough to handle that situation. All the spanking in the world won't teach a child until he or she is developmentally ready. Meanwhile you can gently teach. When you take your children to the park, invite them to look up the street and down the street to see if cars are coming and tell you when it is safe to cross the street. Still, still you won't let them go to the park alone until they are six or seven.
Studies show that approximately 85 percent of all parents of children under twelve years old resort to spanking when frustrated, yet only 8 to 10 percent believe that it is dignified or effective. Sixty-five percent say that they would prefer to teach through positive methods to improve behavior, but they don't know how. This book shows you how.

Step Parenting Blues

Question:

I just read your response to the lady regarding her partners five year old son. And, after reading the article by Mike Brock on Relational Parenting, his words confirmed for me what I have been feeling for a long time... we are not being good models of behavior with the constant, and sometimes intense, arguing. I noticed that you had recommended your e-book Positive Discipline for your Step Family, but before purchasing it, I wanted to ask if there is another book or article you might suggest for my family...step yes, but made up of three high schoolers, mine and his. I just hate wasting time on information that is most applicable to young children. The different approaches to discipline between my husband and I are taking a huge toll on our relationship and I don't want the kids to have to live with this any longer.

Any suggestions?

Fraught and heartbroken

Answer:

Dear Fraught and Heartbroken,

My heart breaks for you and for your kids. AND, you are in a very good place because of your awareness and desire to change. It is difficult to tell you which book might be best, so let me tell you a little about two of them and you decide. The Positive Discipline for Stepfamilies eBook is good because if provides lots of tools, and also addresses the challenges of step-parenting.

Positive Discipline for Teenagers is excellent for families with teens. (Yours.) It focuses only on the challenges of parenting teens. The focus is on understanding their individuation process instead of taking everything personally, and focusing on solutions instead of engaging in power struggles. Some parents like to the get the Empowering Teens CDs (or MP3 download) to go along with PD for Teens, because listening to the one hour lecture "brings it alive."

The 25th year anniversary edition of Positive Discipline is excellent, but it does cover younger children too. However, many of the tools suggested for use with younger children are very appropriate with teens. One of the big concepts I included in this new edition is for parents and teachers to take responsibility (not blame or shame) for how they help create many of the behavior challenges they face. Every Positive Discipline book includes many tools. In this book I created a summary of every tool that was covered in each chapter.

I will say that the Step Family book is extremely cost effective. What would you have to lose if found even one idea that is helpful? And, I know you will find many. I know it is a pain in the butt to have to read something on a screen (although some people like it).

Many people purchase more than one book because they all have some different information (and some repeats), and most of us parents need as much reprogramming as we can get.

And, if you need more help, go to www.lynnlott.com and consider counseling. Lynn is the co-author of Positive Discipline for Teenagers and has several clients she works with via phone.

I hope you have signed up for my monthly newsletter at www.positivediscipline.com You might find these articles and Q & As very helpful.

I wish you the best.

Jane Nelsen