Routine Charts in China

I have the privilege of sharing another story from China, as told by Elly Zhen.

Two years ago, when I started studying on Positive Discipline routine chart, I loved the idea. It took me two years to learn about the mistakes I made during my first attempt.

I told my back-then 3.5-year-old baby girl about the idea. She agreed on making a “before bedtime” routine chart. The problem was that I wanted her to take a bath before dinner so her hair could get dry before sleep; while she wanted to do it after dinner. And I thought to myself,  "Aha, this is a good chance to get her to take a bath before dinner!" (Later, you’ll learn why this was my mistake.)

We found some photos of her eating, helping washing dishes, bathing, saying goodnight to our cat, and sleep. All very cute and beautiful. We printed them out, she cut them, pasted them on a big piece of paper, and I wrote the words in both English and Chinese. Her beautiful and "decent" routine chart was done! Of course, taking a bath was before dinner.

After only four days, this beautiful routine chart caused a big fight. You can imagine the reason. My daughter burst into tears and rushed into her room and tore the routine chart into pieces! Later we had a friendly talk about the incident, apologized to each other, and pasted the routine chart back together. Still, she never used it again.....until three months ago.

After teaching Positive Discipline for 1.5 years, I have realized the core value of PD is to EMPOWER my child, not to manipulate or control her. So I made up my mind to re-do the routine chart. To be honest, I was nervous and very unsure on whether or not she would be willing to do it. "But so what! If it fails again, it fails", I thought to myself. "At least I can learn something new."

This time, I completely gave my trust to her. She came up with 13 things before bedtime, such as brushing teeth, throwing out trash, hugging our cat, etc. With all the things she needs and wants to do between bath time and going to bed, there was enough time for her hair to get dry!

She drew pictures of her task on a big piece of paper and pasted it next to the kitchen door. She did it, every part, all by herself! You can see from the attached photos that nobody could understand her routine chart, but just herself. For me, this just represents it is this child's own routine chart.

We are still using this "routine paper" (she named it). I say "we", because she now often says to me: "Mommy, you can take a look at my paper? You will know what's next."

It took me almost two years to get the "essence" of routine chart -- it's to make our life stable and secure, not the opposite. For that, I thank Positive Discipline!

Elly Zhen, Shenzhen China

A Family Meeting in China

A Family Meeting in China (shared with permission)

I am Wendy Li, my Chinese name is Li Tao, I come from Chengdu. After learning Positive Discipline, I've become a better mom, and a better self. This picture shows my four-year-old daughter carefully taking notes during our first family meeting. Of cause she didn't know what to write at all.

Our first family meeting was very funny so I wrote a blog about it. My daughter imitated me to make notes and also offered topics for discussion, like, "Mum's getting angry, giving birth to a baby sister or brother." I was so amazed that she enjoyed the family meeting so much.

Now our family meetings help us to solve many problems. Following is my blog that has been read by many Chinese people:

Yesterday, on the Monday night, we held our first family meeting. Days before, I told Tiao tiao we would have our first family meeting several days later, which means Dad, Mom, and Tiao tiao are going to sit together to have a meeting discussing family issues. Not knowing how much she understood, she seemed excited, and showed her happiness for this family meeting.

Yesterday, I mentioned we were going to have the meeting after dinner and I asked if she had anything that needed to be discussed. She answered seriously that she wanted to keep a bunny and a puppy in the house. Actually, Tiao tiao has asked for this many times, but I always told her that I needed to discuss it with Dad first and then we’d decide. Anyway, this is indeed a proper proposal for a family meeting.

I took out a pen and a notebook and prepared to take notes. Tiao tiao wanted it too, so I gave her a small notebook and a colored pen. We all sat around the table, the meeting was about to begin.

First we gave thanks to each other. This made me a little bit excited immediately. Dad thanked me for doing the laundry, and thanked Tiao tiao for being good. I thanked Dad for helping me wash the dishes, and thanked Tiao tiao for sharing her tofu with me during the dinner.

This was the first time for our family to do this kind of activity, so there were still some embarrassed feelings. Tiao tiao was watching Dad and me with awkward smiles on her face while we were speaking. When it was Tiao tiao’s turn, she imitated us. She thanked me for washing her clothes and said, "Dear Mom, I love you. Dad, I love you, you are so cute." I was surprised, and also deeply moved to cry.

I tried to calm down and said, ”Ok, we can begin to discuss our proposals now. Tiao tiao, you go first.”

Tiao tiao said, ”I want a sister!” Maybe she forgot her wish about having a pet before, or, maybe she just found out this topic was more important.

I said softly, ”Well, Dad and Mom are considering it.” And Tiao tiao accepted this with silence.

Then, I proposed about the candy that Tiao tiao should only eat at weekends and just one at a time. Tiao tiao said yes quickly. So I said, "Well, I’m going to write it down now." Seeing me, Tiao tiao was doing the same thing on her notebook.

Then, Tiao tiao unexpectedly proposed a second proposal.  She imitated me and said, "About Mom being angry, can Mom don’t get mad? You can say please don’t do this and say it softly." Tiao tiao added. Her voice was so soft and so gentle and said, "Then Tiao tiao will understand and won’t do it anymore." I agreed of course. She said again, "Tiao tiao cry when Mom yell, I’ll get it if you tell me softly."

Then I said I would write it down. I repeated what she said while I was writing. Tiao tiao wrote too while saying, "Tiao tiao has written a lot of words, I, love, you, dear, dad, mom, thanks for dinner."

Later, I thought we should also make a proposal about Dad that he should come to meal when I finish cooking so we three could eat together. Tiao tiao imitated me again, and said, "So I’ll write it down." 

After that, I asked was there anything else to be discussed. Tiao tiao said on her own, "About the bath, can Dad and Mom wash Tiao tiao’s hair softly when taking a shower?" I said yes and wrote it down.

I was about to finish this meeting since 4 or 5 issues were enough. Tiao tiao said, "When people light fireworks, they can make it quiet, because that will scare other children." (She was understanding how to find solutions to problems.)

When the meeting was over, Tiao tiao was not willing to leave the table, and she was still drawing on her book. I took a look at it, there were many squares on it, Tiao tiao was really writing words on it, she drew many curves in each square, and every curve stayed perfectly in the square. And that’s different from her usual paintings. This picture will be printed and I will paste it on the book of our family meeting record. That’ll be really nice memory!

The meeting is over, and I think it’s very meaningful. I thought of some other things that can be talked about after our first family meeting. And I am really looking forward to the next one.

All parents who take part in learning the courses of Positive Discipline will find out family meetings are so worthy. And I’m one of them. There are different reasons why I haven’t held it till yesterday. First, Tiao tiao didn’t reach 4 before, second, we usually take activities outside at weekends, and we arrive home late. I always worry about our living pattern is not good for keeping family meetings. Last thing is I never attended any family meetings before, so I don’t know whether I can do it. On the other hand, for Chinese family, to hold a democratic meeting like this is still awkward.

Now, we did it. I think I should do this earlier because I do love it, and since we do it on Monday night, it helps a lot for us to persist, because we are usually free at this time. In addition, comparing with us, Tiao tiao adapts this democratic life best.

Small Steps

Parents may not realize that doing too much for children (usually in the name of love) is discouraging. A child may adopt the belief "I’m not capable” when adults insist on doing things for him that he could do himself. Another possible belief is “I am loved only when others are doing things for me.”

It may be helpful to remember that self‐esteem comes from having skills, and that pampering a child actually discourages him. Stop doing things for your child that he can do for himself and make room for him to practice—even when he does things imperfectly. When he says, “I can’t,” have patience; say, “I have faith that you can handle this task.”

Encouraging a child who believes that he is inadequate requires a great deal of patience, gentle perseverance, and faith in the child’s abilities.


Success Story

We have, not really consistently, been trying to get our son to put his own shoes on when getting ready to leave the house.  Today it was time to get going and I asked him to get his shoes and try and put them on while I was upstairs and that if he needed help I would be down in a little bit.

When I came downstairs he was still struggling with the first shoe.  Usually this is when I would just step in and do it for him and, in fact, he was asking me "Mommy, you do it please."

But instead of swooping in, I thought about assumed inadequacy. (click here to view the Mistaken Goal Chart) I offered to show him step by step with the first shoe and he then he would try on his own with the second.  So I did that, showed him step by step with the first shoe then offered him the second.  When it was his turn he was struggling but instead of swooping in, I kept encouraging him and reminded him of the steps and he eventually got it himself.

When he was done there were a few things I could of corrected (too loose straps, etc.) but, and this was a HUGE success for me, instead of "fixing" it I just let it be figuring if they were actually too loose he would have the logical consequence and we would just stop and he could fix it. This was really a major success for me, not so much my son. I am always just swooping in and doing things for him or fixing his way, and he definitely has some issues with assumed inadequacy as a result. I've really been trying this week to not do that to him. I felt really proud of myself and of him. :)

We had another success this week. My son knows when we come inside the house it's his job to take his shoes off and put them away. It was that time and he wasn't wanting to listen. We were on the verge of a tantrum, not really in the midst of it or anything, but just a lot of "no" and laying on the floor not wanting to listen. So I got down on the floor and told him I needed a hug once, to which he responded "no."  Then I said it again, "I need a hug," he looked up and said "huh?" so I said it a third time and he got up and gave me a hug.

When we were done hugging I asked him, "What's your job when we come home?" and he sat right down and took his shoes off. It was awesome! If I had argued with him it would have turned into a tantrum, but instead I stopped myself, told him I needed a hug and afterward it's like he almost forgot what he was even protesting. Again a huge success for both of us.

Sarah G.

The Positive Discipline Journey

by Isabelle Belles (Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator)


My husband, my then two year-old son, and I moved from Madrid, Spain to Chicago in 2008 because of my husband’s job. I was working at that time for a consulting company as a full-time manager. Even when I had my son, I had never considered stopping working, but moving to the U.S. was a major challenge for my career. I was able to continue working for the same company for a year after our arrival in Chicago, but then, due to personal circumstances, I decided to leave my job. Suddenly, I found myself “officially” a full-time mother without any parenting skills.

The transition was really challenging for me. I went from very little family time, work days with full agendas and business trips to seemingly limitless hours to devote to taking care of my son, school meetings and class field trips. What a change! Everything was new for me, even more so as I was in a different country, using a new language.


But the most difficult part was my lack of education in parenting skills. I realized that I was applying the same methods as my parents had used with me, but with few, if any, positive results. I was not satisfied, neither was my family, and I couldn’t find a way to change it.

Months passed, and a wonderful woman, who later would become one of my beloved friends, mentioned two words to me, two words that changed my life: Positive Discipline. I opened all my senses and listened carefully. “Be kind and firm at the same time” she told me. With her characteristic passion and generosity, she explained to me what Positive Discipline was all about and how this new pedagogical approach was also changing her life. I was sure that a new path as a parent was opening up in front of me.  At the very least Positive Discipline was something new to try.  At that time, my son was four years old.

After researching on the internet and reading comments and newsletter subscriptions, I found my interest in Positive Discipline growing daily. I was really excited to find that there would be a Positive Discipline presentation at my son’s school in April 2010 by Dina Emser (MA, Certified Positive Discipline Lead Trainer) and Marine Bazin (also a Certified Positive Discipline Lead Trainer). They introduced the main aspects of PD and announced that they would present a multi-session series in the near future. In the meantime, I was determined to learn more, so I started to read the book “Positive Discipline” by Jane Nelsen.

In winter of 2011, Dina Emser presented a seven-session course with Marine Bazin. I attended the series, which covered the basic principles of Positive Discipline and focused on resolving problems with teenagers. We read and worked with the book “Positive Discipline for Teenagers”. Even though my son was still a toddler, it was terrific to notice that solutions could be applied at whatever one’s child’s age. It was a wonderful experience that slowly transformed our family life. I remember my first attempts at Positive Discipline: I used index cards to recall sentences that were in the book. My son was surprised by the change in my approach, but accepted it easily. We both felt so good as a result of just changing the way we were communicating. I then incorporated more Positive Discipline tools in our daily life, such as family meetings, limited choices, and routines.

Our family life had improved, and I was feeling more and more confident as a parent. I decided to keep going on my journey, and I enrolled for certification (Positive Discipline Parent Educator).  In May 2011, three friends and I attended Dina Emser’s workshop entitled Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way that was held in Normal, Illinois. It was such a wonderful experience in so many different ways. One of the most enjoyable parts was sharing the two days (including the driving to and from Chicago) with my friends. We connected in a way that still feels really special today. Also, seeing a large group, with totally different backgrounds, but working and exploring in harmony, was a confirmation of the strong community that the Positive Discipline way builds.

Lately, I have discovered a new “version” of Positive Discipline, La Discipline Positive! I am French and Spanish, so when the French Positive Discipline book was published last year, I ran to buy one! It is so interesting to see the differences between the American and French editions. It seems like knowing already the painting but seeing different details. Consequently, January of 2013 I have enrolled in a seven-session series conducted in French which I am enjoying as much as I did the first miles of my Positive Discipline journey ...

My next stop will be to attend the think tank in 2013! After that I would like to work towards advance certification training.

Bon voyage!!!
Isabelle Belles

Empowering vs Enabling Success Story

Why is it so much easier to “enable” than to empower? Enabling is adult behavior that puts the parent between the child and life experiences to minimize the consequences of the child's choices. Enabling includes rescuing, over-protecting, and controlling without involving the child in problem solving. Enabling behavior encourages an unhealthy dependence in children and prevents them from learning to do things for themselves.

Many parents enable their children in the name of love. They do not look at the long-term results. They don’t consider what their children are deciding about themselves and about what to do in the future (based on their decisions). They may be deciding, “I'm not capable.” “It is best to let others take care of me.” “You can’t make me,” etc. It is important to know that adults do not necessarily feel comfortable with empowering statements and actions until they really understand the long-term benefits.

Empowering means turning over control to young people as soon as possible so they have power over their own lives and having faith in them to learn and recover from their mistakes.


Typical Enabling Behaviors

• Waking children in the morning, doing their laundry, fixing their lunches, picking out their clothes.
• Loaning money and/or giving extra money after they have spent their allowance or used specially earmarked funds, such as a clothing allowance, on something else.
• 
Typing papers, researching, delivering forgotten homework or lunches to school.
• Lying to teachers when children cut classes or skip school
.
• Feeling sorry for children when they have a lot of homework or activities, excusing them from helping the family with household chores.
• 
Pretending everything is fine, when it clearly isn't, to avoid confrontation.
• 
Giving them everything they want—“because everyone else has one.”

Typical Empowering Behaviors

• Listening and giving emotional support and validation without fixing or discounting.
• Teaching life skills
 (laundry, dishes, fixing lunches, picking out clothes, etc.).
• Working on agreements through family meetings or the joint problem-solving process.
• Letting go (without abandoning).
• Deciding what you will do, with dignity and respect
.
• Sharing what you think, how you feel, and what you want without lecturing, moralizing, insisting on agreement, or demanding satisfaction.

Empowering Success Story

Lisa provides an inspiring success story of how she and her husband empowered their son.


Our oldest son is 12-years-old and in middle school.  He attends an academic magnet school and has daily homework and frequent "big" projects.  We power struggled a lot with him in fifth grade over keeping up with his work and in 6th grade we REALLY started power struggling. Sometimes we would have daily arguments about homework. My husband decided it was time for us to cut the cord completely in this area just before Christmas.  They wrote out a mutually agreed upon contract with items like our son coming to us if he needed our help and us coming to him if we got notification that his grades had dropped into the C range.  We all read and signed the contract. There have been a few times when I would start nagging about homework again and my husband would remind me about the contract terms.

The first report card with our new approach came and he had straight A's.  The second one he had all A's and one B.  At breakfast one morning we were acknowledging his hard work and it occurred to me in that moment that HE had earned those grades, he had done that by himself.  I realized that by us "driving the boat" so to speak that it minimized his successes as well.  At his school it is 7th grade scores and grades that ensure you a place in the academic high school.  During that same breakfast he said "Just wait until next year, I am going to knock it out of the park because I am not going to let an 84 keep me out of the academic high school." It was great to see his attitude shift, a few months ago he didn't want to go to that high school-probably because of OUR intensity around it. 
   
Lisa L.

Understanding the Belief Behind the Behavior - A Positive Discipline Success Story

Success Story

I want to share an encouraging moment from recent life: Our week started with a particularly upsetting episode for my 3 1/2 year-old daughter. She was at preschool and apparently came down with a spontaneous case of the rota-virus that is spreading around the school like wildfire. She had an accident which required a change of clothes and her cot cover...you get the picture. So I got the call at noon to come pick her up. She was upset, but she recovered. I subsequently caught the bug from her, and I recovered.

Two days later...

It was time for her to go to school again. The FIRST thing she said to me that morning at 7:00 AM is, "I'm still sick. I cannot go to school."

I listened to her, and asked a few questions, but went on with the morning, while she continued to insist she didn't want to go to school. The whining increased. I started to tense up, thinking, "We don't have time for this. She's too young to be saying she doesn't like school. Why can't we just have ONE morning go smoothly?"

And then (and I think this is ONLY because I had been sick in bed the previous day, grading graduate students' homework on Adlerian parenting/Positive Discipline), I paused and said to myself, "I bet I can figure out what is going on here."

So I made a guess. (I'm sure it's obvious to some of you veterans out there.) I said to her, "I know what happened on Monday was so upsetting and you were so surprised by that. I bet it felt a little scary."

She instantly began to cry (the real tears) and nodded, saying "Yes, and I'm so scared it's going to happen again."

She immediately calmed down, let me hug her and hold her, and I reassured her that her body was all better now and that it would not happen again.

The rest of the morning was fine, and we got in the car and made it to school on time. No more tears.

That afternoon, I told her she must be feeling so proud of herself for being so brave, but really, I was thinking, "Yay for me! I guessed right!” I slowed down long enough to listen to her! I didn't get mad! I validated her feelings. I didn't let the tension of hurried mornings get in the way of hearing her very real and valid fear!" She must have felt encouraged because she changed her behavior.

**************

After this experience, I am thinking back to a topic brought up in a recent parenting class. A parent expressed some respectful doubt that we could "guess" at the beliefs (and fears) behind the behavior. My example above is not necessarily a mistaken goal, and I know that it is not always appropriate or possible to do goal disclosure with our own children. However, orienting myself to the origin of her (at the time, very annoying) behavior, and combining it with some curiosity and calming down time for myself was magical!

-- 
Monica H., M.A.
Doctoral Candidate, Clinical Psychology

Mistaken Goal Resources

Click Here to download the NEW Mistaken Goal Chart which will help you discover the belief behind the child's misbehavior. It is a new mistaken goal chart because it includes a column on "How Adults May Contribute" to the misbehavior.

Watch this video from the new Positive Discipline Online Parenting Class for a further explanation of the Mistaken Goals of Misbehavior.

Connection Before Correction - A Positive Discipline Success Story

We had just finished Vicki Dolan's Positive Discipline class at Children's Playroom in the morning.  Most of it was review, but I picked up a few bits of information and one of the things I wrote down was "connection before correction." I haven't tried to implement that particular tool very often, but I had the perfect opportunity that night.

My kids were arguing over who was going to feed the hamster. My 9 year old asked my 4 year old to do it.  He got frustrated and yelled, "I always have to feed him," and THREW the bowl of food all over the kitchen floor.  My first thought was to yell at him to pick it up immediately and get nasty with him.  But I thought I'd give this new technique I learned a try.  So I very calmly held him in my arms and said, "You sound like you're angry because you are tired of feeding Niblet all the time."  He grumpily replied "YES!" with a long winded explanation of how he always has to feed the hamster and he doesn't want to do it.  I told him I could understand how it's frustrating to feel like you are always doing the work.  He nodded.  I then pointed out that there was hamster food all over the floor and it probably wasn't going to pick itself up.  I asked him how we could get it off the floor?  He suggested the vacuum; and I asked him if he wanted me to get it for him so he could use it for the food.  He said yes and proceeded to vacuum up all of the hamster food.  Amazing!

I often say that Positive Discipline takes more time and effort and it's easier to be a mean and nasty parent!  However, when I look back on this situation, I actually think I saved time and frustration by not yelling at him.  If I yelled, he would have fought back and we would have been in a HUGE power struggle that could have lasted all night!  Instead, I spent a few minutes making that connection and then he knew what the correction needed to be.  It was a great tool to use!  Positive Discipline works so well!  It never ceases to amaze me!  Thank you for the tools to be a good parent!

Shannon A.

Applying the Positive Discipline Principles

Last year we introduced 52 Positive Discipline Tools in 52 Weeks. All of these Positive Discipline tools are amazing! But it can be overwhelming to try and apply them all at once. So this year we will share success stories that will inspire you as you read how others have applied the Positive Discipline principles. It is always comforting to know that others share the same struggles and read how they found solutions.

We would also love to hear your own success stories. You can email them to contact@positivediscipline.com or join our success stories group on our private social network.

Family Meetings - The 22-Minute Discipline Solution

Our first success story was printed in Parents Magazine. Dr. Jane Nelsen was interviewed by Francesca Castagnoli and she wrote an article titled The 22-Minute Discipline Solution. Read how Francesca has created a tradition of weekly family meetings and how her children look forward to what they call "Funday". Click Here to read the full article.

This coming week we will be posting another success story featuring the Positive Discipline Tool of Connection Before Correction. Stay Tuned!

Below are some more resources that will help you apply the Positive Discipline Tools:

Find a Local Parenting Class

Attending a parenting class is a great way to help you implement the Positive Discipline tools. Having a group of like minded parents with the same goals and same problems will help you focus. Click Here for a list of local parenting classes.

Take our Online Parenting Class

If you can't find a local parenting class, consider signing up for our Online Parenting Class. Our online class is the next best thing to being there in person. You get to participate vicariously as Dr. Jane Nelsen and her daughter Mary Nelsen Tamborski lead your through a six week parenting class. Watch the preview below.

Click Here to sign up for the online class.

Join Our Private Social Network

Our free Positive Discipline Network is a friendly, encouraging Positive Discipline community. Questions are answered by members and Certified Positive Discipline Associates. You can join special interest groups, and you can do a search of topic that has already been covered to find support, encouragement, and ideas from other parents who are experience similar challenges. Click Here to sign up.

Get The Positive Discipline Tool Cards

The Positive Discipline Tool Cards are a great way to have all the tools right at your fingertips. They are available as a Deck of Cards as well as an App for Android and Apple devices.

Positive Discipline in France

I just have to share this email from Béatrice Sabate, A Certified Positive Discipline Trainer in France. I loved watching the video even though I don't understand French.

Hi everyone,

A few good news to share with all of you!
Last Wednesday, we got a 4mn during the evening news (prime time) on
national television :



In the video above, you will be able to see the 4mn including
Nadine's family talking about a few PD tools they are using at home
(all beautiful and natural and so PD!); and parents during a session
talking about what PD has brought to their life...very touching! It's
only 4 minutes when the shooting lasted 9 hours total but ... great
memories, wonderful sharing and a real sense of belonging for all the
participants!

The Positive Discipline book is now published in French, there are articles in the media such as ELLE magazine; Parents magazine; psychology magazine ... the sky will be the limit. The first Positive Discipine in the Classroom Workshop will happen at the end of February and we will have our second Teaching Parenting Workshop in January. A lot of seven week parenting classes are now running. We are all focused on spreading the Positive Discipline news in this lovely country who really is in need! It's a start but it's happening. A few French educators will go to the PDC in London in order to meet Jane and see Teresa again (as she already met them in Paris). We also have a facebook page : association discipline positive france. Check out our page!

It is amazing for all of us to be part of the Positive Discipline adventure. We are so grateful to all of you and your unconditional support.
As far as I am concerned I am also deeply thankful remembering the
day, 15 years ago, when I accidentally found Jane's book on a shelve
in an office where I was providing play therapy to kids ...
Warm hugs to all.

Béatrice

Positive Discipline Success Story - "I Need Your Help"

The following is a success story that was shared on our Positive Discipline Social Network.

So, my 2 year old (25.5 months old) has been giving me such a rough time with diaper changes.  She has always been wiggly, even as a baby, and we do cloth diapers so it takes that much longer to get them on her... Lately it has been awful, where she ends up running around naked for 30 min or more after bath time because I just canNOT capture her long enough to get her diaper and/or jammies on.  (And we have tried potty training, but she is just not ready)

I read in one of the positive discipline resources (can't remember which book or if it was on the internet) the technique of saying "I need your help" instead of trying to MAKE her do it... I was skeptical but tonight was a REALLY rough night, she was overtired and after bath she was just crying and would not hold still.  I tried putting her on the diaper, I tried distracting her with a balloon, I tried giving her a book to read... she ran off and climbed up on the couch.  So, figuring I had nothing to lose, I took a deep breath and said, "Leni, mommy needs your help!" (she looked at me skeptically)  "You need to wear your jammies, but I can't put them on unless you help me.  Can you show me where your arm goes?" (she looked curious but I wasn't sure if she was going to go for it)  "Does your arm go in here?" (I held up the sleeve and she reached her arm out and smiled).  Then I asked her to show me how to put a diaper on and I slid the diaper under her, and she laid still and said "snap" when I snapped it on her... then I put one leg in her jammies, and she put the other leg in herself and said "ZIP!" and I zipped them up!  By that time she had a big grin on her face!

I just had to share because I was SO amazed it actually worked!

A Heartwarming Positive Discipline Success Story

This heartwarming story was shared by Certified Positive Discipline Associate Terese Bradshaw who is also the Directress and Founder of Montessori for Toddlers.

Well little lady, I just dropped you off at your last day of your first preschool. It was a very special place to me, and a special place for you too. When mommy was nervous about dropping you off, there was Ms. Mary and Ms. Terese's warmth to greet you, which helped both of us. It didn't take you long to see that this was a safe place to learn about so many things. And I think of it as a place where I learned so much too. With Ms. Mary and Ms. Terese by our side for two years, we learned about more things than I could write down. This morning when you washed your berries without help and said you were proud of yourself, well, it made me think of them. And when you noticed that the yolk of the fried egg I made you this morning didn't break and you asked if I was proud, I was, and I again thought of them. Mama spent many nights in your same classroom learning lessons from Ms. Terese about things that have made me feel like a better Mama, and that is something I will never, ever forget. She gave me the gift of feeling like I had good ideas about how and what to teach you as a mommy. She taught us about taking time-outs for ourselves to cool off when we got frustrated, and how much it helps when we know what we are feeling. And one of my favorite things that they taught us is how capable we are. There are so many nice things that Ms. Terese and Ms. Mary showed us these last two years and I know we will carry them in our hearts forever, wherever we are. Just like Pooh Bear carries Christopher Robin in his heart, even when they're apart.

The Wicked Witch of the West

Terese Bradshaw, a Certified Positive Discipline Trainer and Montessori teacher, shares a scary Halloween story that will be an inspiration to every parent who is delusional about the possibility of being a perfect parent—even a Perfect Positive Discipline parent.  We all make mistakes, even when we know better. Fortunately, our mistakes provide an opportunity to go back to our Positive Discipline tools to clean up the mess we have made—and to model for our children (over and over). that “mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn.”

          On a blustery, cold Halloween night, a wicked witch fretted in her brand new house.  She had just re-married, blended her little goblins, and moved her in-home preschool to their new location.  She was overwhelmed and cranky (nearly flipped lid), but still wanted to create the "Perfect Halloween" for her children.
          Dinner was done, and her little goblins were putting on their homemade costumes to go out and spook the neighborhood, when the witch (who was usually quite kind) noticed bright blue theatrical make-up on the stairs of her brand new white carpet. (No one knows why this crazy Mother Witch of 4 little ones decided to put expensive white carpet throughout HER whole house.)
          The lovely witch followed the trail of shimmering blue make-up up the stairs, down the hall, and into the master bedroom and bath where her little darlings were making faces in the mirror and squealing with delight at how scary they looked in their costumes and made-up faces—until they saw the contorted look of horror on the mother Witch's face (fully flipped lid).
          Their joy suddenly turned to sheer terror (mirror neurons at work) as their once friendly Mother Witch   turned on them. She started screaming at the top of her lungs  "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?! (Blame!) YOU'VE RUINED OUR BEAUTIFUL HOME!! (Priorities?) AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES ABOUT HAVING A DECENT PLACE TO LIVE!?!  (Not really a Curiosity Question.)  DO YOU WANT TO LIVE IN A PIGSTY ALL YOUR LIVES!?!   (Shame.)  YOU DON'T DESERVE TO GO TRICK-OR-TREATING!! (Punishment) GET OUT OF HERE!!  (Abandonment.)  YOU CAN JUST GO OUT TRICK-OR-TREATING BY YOURSELVES. The wicked witch was out-of-control!
         After she chased them down the stairs, she saw more of the ugly blue stain on her living room and dining room carpets!!  She screeched some more hurtful things at the innocents and pointed her bony finger towards the door. (Not a very respectful way of using NON-VERBAL SIGNALS.) The little children and their friend (humiliation) cried in fear and ran out of the house—to the streets of a brand new neighborhood where they had only lived one week.
A few minutes later the wicked witch realized what she had done and felt great remorse and shock at the way she had treated her little children who just wanted to BELONG.  She jumped on her broomstick (a big Suburban) and raced down the street trying to find them.    Ahhh . . . Great Relief!  There they were—safe on the sidewalk.  Whew, they had not been kidnapped!          
         She raced the car towards them.  The youngest one, with the telltale blue make-up still stuck to the bottom of her shoe, ran in fear and jumped into the nearest bushes.  The witch ran to embrace her child and offer a heartfelt apology. The little one cried in fear.  She thought sure her mother was going to run her down with the car. (The witch forgot how important timing is before apologizing)
         After many tears and hugs, the Not-So-Wicked Witch took responsibility for what she had done.  She shared with them what she had learned from this experience, and what she would do differently next time she was that stressed. (5 Rs of Recovery.) She let them know that they were more important than a few stains on the carpet— and it could be cleaned up, anyway.
         Fortunately, her loving children were amazingly forgiving and eventually recovered from their harrowing ordeal with the Wicked Witch of the West.  However, to this day, none of the girls will wear Halloween make-up.

Terese Bradshaw, Certified Positive Discipline Ttrainer (formerly known as the Wicked Witch of the West—now loving Mother (most of the time)

Routine Chart and Wheel of Choice Success Story

It warms my heart to hear Positive Discipline success stories. I know other parents find them them helpful and encouraging too.  I asked for permission to share Laura Beth's and Jake's story to inspire others.

My son, Jake, 3-years-old, loves to help out with projects like these.  We have done a behavior chart before (it turned into a piece of art on our fridge instead of a teaching tool!).  However, the Routine Chart and Wheel of Choice have been very successful in our home.  Even though he always knew his routine before bed, having a chart has made it fun for him, PLUS he gets to look at himself in the pictures he took!  We walked through his routine together before snapping photos of him doing it all!  He is proud of the chart, shares it with anyone who comes into his room!  He has been using it for about 3 weeks and he doesn’t forget a step!



The Wheel of Choice was fun to put together too.  I asked him what he’d like to do when he’s feeling frustrated or sad or hurt... And he proceeded to tell me he’d rather laugh than cry; he likes to “take a break and drink water”; dance; etc.  He got into the actual searching for pictures that described the words and the outcome is our Wheel Of Choice.  We used it today, in fact, when he and his sister (Marin, 17 months old) were sitting on the sofa sharing a book.  Marin, took the book and Jake immediately flipped his lid.  Yelled at her, grabbed the book, made her cry, she grabbed it back and I slowly walked in.  I asked Jake if he’d like to use his Wheel Of Choice to help – and he actually said YES!  He chose to “share his toys,” he got Marin her own book that was more appropriate for her and she gladly gave him his book back.  They sat there for a while and then traded!!

 

All my very best,
Laura Beth 

New Certified Positive Discipline Trainer Candidate

I am continually awed by the passion and commitment of people who want to become Certified Positive Discipline Trainers.  Asma Saloom recently sent her "Letter of Intent" to join the PDA training program. I was so touched and impressed that I asked for her permission to share parts of her letter. Asma is planning to take Positive Discipline to Egypt.


Becoming a mother three years ago was a turning point that helped me discover what I want to do in my life: work with children and provide them environments that support cooperation, mutual respect, and contemplation.  I had not been around many children before and had very few expectations or assumptions about what conventional parenting or discipline is supposed to look like, so entering this new role with the need to “research” how to do it opened my world to a variety of philosophies about raising children.

My firm belief in the need to respect and honor the child as a capable member of the family and society led me to read about Montessori methods and Positive Discipline, which I first heard about in my natural birthing classes. I found these practices to be really comprehensive and life changing because they result in such a heightened awareness of the importance of the words, actions, and environments that our children encounter. We can support our children as they develop themselves, or we can make them think that nothing matters more than what we and others think of them. We can help them become strong, curious, and self-reliant, or we can crush their spirits so that their highest aspirations are to follow the crowd. It’s such a huge responsibility.

As a mother, I use Positive Discipline with my children because it respects the child while fulfilling the parents’ needs. The successful family needs cooperation from all of its members, and Positive Discipline teaches us how to achieve true cooperation rather than the appearance of cooperation through coercion or bribery. Everyone’s needs are honored and their contributions are valued.

As an elementary teacher-in-training, I plan to use positive discipline in the classroom to help me actualize my ultimate goals for working in education: providing a supportive and respectful environment in which children are not “controlled” but rather learn to become positive and self-driven contributors in the learning community as well as the greater society. The idea of controlling children is so ridiculous and impossible, and even if or when it does work, it leaves them with no internal regulation to help them function when they are alone. So when will they learn that they are capable of being responsible and regulating themselves? Trying to control children does such a disservice to their development into thoughtful adults.
I recently decided that I wanted to take my practice and understanding of positive discipline to the next level by becoming a trainer, so that I will be better equipped to share it with others and ultimately lead workshops for teachers and parents.

My New Teacher

The following essay was posted on the Positive Discipline Network by Sandra Szadolc from Dallas, Texas. I was so touched by it, and how well it represents the feeling of Positive Discipline, that I asked Sandra for permission to publish it on my blog. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

My New Teacher



We have a new teacher. We don't know what happened to our old one. My mom said she probably got sick because people who are always grumpy often do.

My old teacher used to snap at us and take away 5 minutes of our recess when we didn't follow her rules. I won't miss her. She was scary.



My new teacher is cool. Her name is Paula so we call her Miss Paula. She is very pretty and must be very happy because she smiles all time.

The first time we met her she said she was getting rid of the time out policy and would never snap at us. She says we are going to be good friends and that good friends are always nice to each other. 



Miss Paula has been teaching us a lot of things. Some of us used to get in trouble for talking in the hallway. Mrs. Paula says she can't change the rule that we can't make noise in the hallway but we can still talk to each other. She is teaching us sign language. I already know how to say hello and how are you with my hands. Now we love it when we have to walk somewhere and we are always quiet except for a giggle or two. 



Miss Paula likes everybody even Sam and nobody likes Sam. Sam is a bad boy. He was always getting sentenced to the quiet table during lunch by our old teacher. He never does what he's told but now he is doing better. Miss Paula says every single one of us is perfect and beautiful just the way we are so I guess that includes Sam.

Today she showed Sam how to draw pictures on the blackboard using colored chalk and we used his picture to figure out a math problem. Sam can actually draw pretty good. 



This week at school was really the best ever. I didn't even get in trouble when I thought I would because I spilled milk on my homework and had to turn it in still wet. Miss Paula just smiled and asked, "What's this?" So I told her what happened. Then we figured out a plan that I would leave the milk on the kitchen counter and do my homework on the kitchen table. If I get thirsty from now on I will just take a break to drink something and then get back to my homework.

My old teacher would have just ripped it up and made me do it over during recess time. (I know. It's happened to me before.) Miss Paula put it near the window to dry. She said the sun had been waiting for such an important job as this and would be happy to help us. 

Well, I have to go and get ready for bed now. I have school in the morning and I want to wake up early so I will have time to pick Miss Paula some flowers. See you later.

Sandra Szadolc

Dallas Texas