Monday, November 24, 2014

Avoid Pampering

The Avoid Pampering tool card is a perfect follow-up to the tool card of Show Faith. When we avoid pampering, we are in essence showing faith in our children.

But first let's define what we mean by "Avoid Pampering." We are NOT talking about love, affection and connection. Giving hugs is not pampering.  Giving compliments is not pampering. Validating feelings is not pampering.

Pampering is doing things for our children that they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves. The fact is, our children are born with an innate desire to do things for themselves and begin to express that desire around the age of two. We are all familiar with the toddler who says "Me do it!" Too many parents say, "No, you are too little. Go play." Then when they are older and we ask them to help, we are surprised when they say, "No. I'm playing."

Parents often do things for their children for expediency. They may be in a hurry or they are afraid their children will not do it "right" or perfectly. That is why it is important to "take time for training." This means showing them how and then letting them practice. Do things "with" young children until they are old enough and practiced enough to graduate to doing things by themselves. It will still often take longer and not be perfect, but remember we are striving for long-term results. We need to give our children opportunities to become responsible, capable young people.


The Adventures of Grunty and Chubbs said...

I think I have been "pampering" my daughter, although, some may better describe it as "being suckered!" My daughter is four and still wants me to come with her to the bathroom. She will have me pull her pants down and up if I'm willing - sometimes I do, sometimes not. I have tried encouraging her to go by herself because she's perfectly able. But she will often whine and cry and I give in (I know, I know...) Any recommendations on how to wean her from this assistance/company?

Jane Nelsen said...

Many parents are pampering their children today (including me and my grandchildren). It seems to be the age of "over parenting." We do this in the "name of love." We don't realize the results until our children start acting "entitled." This isn't the time for blame or shame for ourselves or our children. However, it may be time for weaning. And, As Stephen Glenn said, "Weaning has never been easy for the weanor or the weanee, but is essential for for healthy growth and development. Start having family meetings with your daughter, agree on some guidelines, and then allow her to have her feelings when you kindly refuse to do things for her that you know she can do for herself. Not easy, but effective--eventually.

The Adventures of Grunty and Chubbs said...

Thank you! I will "cowgirl up" and start doing this. I like the idea of talking about it with her first - so she doesn't feel like I'm deserting her - just making sure our needs are both being met. I'll let her know it's something she can be proud of. Great blog, thanks!

Unknown said...

Great article!

Unknown said...

I am so guilty of pampering my almost 3 year old son! I know it is wrong, but I have been spoon feeding him his meals while he watches you tube videos on my phone. I've always believed it was wrong, but I have let my fears of him not eating healthy or enough take over. I guess I need to have a talk with him and explain that he is a big boy and needs to start doing things for himself, like self feeding, taking off his shoes, and potty training. This article helps me to realize I need to make these changes so that my son can grow up to be capable and responsible!