Understanding the Belief Behind the Behavior - A Positive Discipline Success Story

Success Story

I want to share an encouraging moment from recent life: Our week started with a particularly upsetting episode for my 3 1/2 year-old daughter. She was at preschool and apparently came down with a spontaneous case of the rota-virus that is spreading around the school like wildfire. She had an accident which required a change of clothes and her cot cover...you get the picture. So I got the call at noon to come pick her up. She was upset, but she recovered. I subsequently caught the bug from her, and I recovered.

Two days later...

It was time for her to go to school again. The FIRST thing she said to me that morning at 7:00 AM is, "I'm still sick. I cannot go to school."

I listened to her, and asked a few questions, but went on with the morning, while she continued to insist she didn't want to go to school. The whining increased. I started to tense up, thinking, "We don't have time for this. She's too young to be saying she doesn't like school. Why can't we just have ONE morning go smoothly?"

And then (and I think this is ONLY because I had been sick in bed the previous day, grading graduate students' homework on Adlerian parenting/Positive Discipline), I paused and said to myself, "I bet I can figure out what is going on here."

So I made a guess. (I'm sure it's obvious to some of you veterans out there.) I said to her, "I know what happened on Monday was so upsetting and you were so surprised by that. I bet it felt a little scary."

She instantly began to cry (the real tears) and nodded, saying "Yes, and I'm so scared it's going to happen again."

She immediately calmed down, let me hug her and hold her, and I reassured her that her body was all better now and that it would not happen again.

The rest of the morning was fine, and we got in the car and made it to school on time. No more tears.

That afternoon, I told her she must be feeling so proud of herself for being so brave, but really, I was thinking, "Yay for me! I guessed right!” I slowed down long enough to listen to her! I didn't get mad! I validated her feelings. I didn't let the tension of hurried mornings get in the way of hearing her very real and valid fear!" She must have felt encouraged because she changed her behavior.

**************

After this experience, I am thinking back to a topic brought up in a recent parenting class. A parent expressed some respectful doubt that we could "guess" at the beliefs (and fears) behind the behavior. My example above is not necessarily a mistaken goal, and I know that it is not always appropriate or possible to do goal disclosure with our own children. However, orienting myself to the origin of her (at the time, very annoying) behavior, and combining it with some curiosity and calming down time for myself was magical!

-- 
Monica H., M.A.
Doctoral Candidate, Clinical Psychology

Mistaken Goal Resources

Click Here to download the NEW Mistaken Goal Chart which will help you discover the belief behind the child's misbehavior. It is a new mistaken goal chart because it includes a column on "How Adults May Contribute" to the misbehavior.

Watch this video from the new Positive Discipline Online Parenting Class for a further explanation of the Mistaken Goals of Misbehavior.

Connection Before Correction - A Positive Discipline Success Story

We had just finished Vicki Dolan's Positive Discipline class at Children's Playroom in the morning.  Most of it was review, but I picked up a few bits of information and one of the things I wrote down was "connection before correction." I haven't tried to implement that particular tool very often, but I had the perfect opportunity that night.

My kids were arguing over who was going to feed the hamster. My 9 year old asked my 4 year old to do it.  He got frustrated and yelled, "I always have to feed him," and THREW the bowl of food all over the kitchen floor.  My first thought was to yell at him to pick it up immediately and get nasty with him.  But I thought I'd give this new technique I learned a try.  So I very calmly held him in my arms and said, "You sound like you're angry because you are tired of feeding Niblet all the time."  He grumpily replied "YES!" with a long winded explanation of how he always has to feed the hamster and he doesn't want to do it.  I told him I could understand how it's frustrating to feel like you are always doing the work.  He nodded.  I then pointed out that there was hamster food all over the floor and it probably wasn't going to pick itself up.  I asked him how we could get it off the floor?  He suggested the vacuum; and I asked him if he wanted me to get it for him so he could use it for the food.  He said yes and proceeded to vacuum up all of the hamster food.  Amazing!

I often say that Positive Discipline takes more time and effort and it's easier to be a mean and nasty parent!  However, when I look back on this situation, I actually think I saved time and frustration by not yelling at him.  If I yelled, he would have fought back and we would have been in a HUGE power struggle that could have lasted all night!  Instead, I spent a few minutes making that connection and then he knew what the correction needed to be.  It was a great tool to use!  Positive Discipline works so well!  It never ceases to amaze me!  Thank you for the tools to be a good parent!

Shannon A.

Applying the Positive Discipline Principles

Last year we introduced 52 Positive Discipline Tools in 52 Weeks. All of these Positive Discipline tools are amazing! But it can be overwhelming to try and apply them all at once. So this year we will share success stories that will inspire you as you read how others have applied the Positive Discipline principles. It is always comforting to know that others share the same struggles and read how they found solutions.

We would also love to hear your own success stories. You can email them to contact@positivediscipline.com or join our success stories group on our private social network.

Family Meetings - The 22-Minute Discipline Solution

Our first success story was printed in Parents Magazine. Dr. Jane Nelsen was interviewed by Francesca Castagnoli and she wrote an article titled The 22-Minute Discipline Solution. Read how Francesca has created a tradition of weekly family meetings and how her children look forward to what they call "Funday". Click Here to read the full article.

This coming week we will be posting another success story featuring the Positive Discipline Tool of Connection Before Correction. Stay Tuned!

Below are some more resources that will help you apply the Positive Discipline Tools:

Find a Local Parenting Class

Attending a parenting class is a great way to help you implement the Positive Discipline tools. Having a group of like minded parents with the same goals and same problems will help you focus. Click Here for a list of local parenting classes.

Take our Online Parenting Class

If you can't find a local parenting class, consider signing up for our Online Parenting Class. Our online class is the next best thing to being there in person. You get to participate vicariously as Dr. Jane Nelsen and her daughter Mary Nelsen Tamborski lead your through a six week parenting class. Watch the preview below.

Click Here to sign up for the online class.

Join Our Private Social Network

Our free Positive Discipline Network is a friendly, encouraging Positive Discipline community. Questions are answered by members and Certified Positive Discipline Associates. You can join special interest groups, and you can do a search of topic that has already been covered to find support, encouragement, and ideas from other parents who are experience similar challenges. Click Here to sign up.

Get The Positive Discipline Tool Cards

The Positive Discipline Tool Cards are a great way to have all the tools right at your fingertips. They are available as a Deck of Cards as well as an App for Android and Apple devices.

Positive Discipline in London, England

Jane Nelsen Visits The American School in London

by Joy Marchese

What an exciting week it has been at the American School in London.  Dr. Jane Nelsen and Teresa LaSala, Certified PD Lead Trainer, worked with parents, counselors, and teachers from all over the world, including Cairo, Hungry, Denmark, France, Austria, and the United Kingdom.

Parent workshops focused on Developing Capable Young People, Positive Discipline for Teens, and a two-day Positive Discipline in the Classroom Training for educators.  Due to Positive Discipline’s experiential teaching style, participants shared that they walked away with useful and practical tools that they will apply in their homes and in their schools beginning today.

It was an empowering experience for all and we are grateful to have welcomed Jane into the greater European community.  Jane will continued her tour of the United Kingdom by visiting the prestigious Harrow School in Middlesex, UK.

Testimonials from teachers and parents:

“The Positive Discipline in the Classroom workshop delivered a whole weekend of paradigm pushing!   A lively set of well-designed, experiential activities challenged participants to think deeply about behavioural issues in the whole-school and classroom.  The co-leaders of the course, Jane Nelsen and Theresa LaSalla, worked tirelessly to stimulate discussion and reflection about the values underpinning our educational programmes and they provided pathways for us to remodel our ideas on how best to meet the needs of our learners.  Sessions exploring the nature of encouragement, the goals of misbehaviour and the balance between kindness and firmness should become mandatory training for all who work in education.  The weekend was exceptional and ranks among the best personal and professional development courses I have ever attended.”

Sean Spurvey
Head of ICT
Westminster Under School
London

“My moment of enlightenment came when Jane Nelsen shared in her book Positive Discipline, “ Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse”. I went over to hug Jane good-bye after her second talk at the American School in London. As I said thank you and mentioned that I wished I had come across her book earlier, tears filled my eyes mainly from regret of not having used her positive disciplining techniques with my children when they were younger. She comforted me and said, “It’s not about the guilt, it’s about applying the tools now and moving forward”. I have started using her invaluable tools to improve my parenting techniques in the hopes of becoming a better parent and a better person.  Thank you Jane. ”

Ariadne Petrucelli
The American School in London
Executive Coach and Parent

“While attending the PD in the classroom training in London, I was uniting and collaborating with adults that were willing and eager to approach things differently and positively.  I appreciated the experiential approaches, collaborating, brainstorming, and networking to start to change the ways in which we work with students and children in a variety of settings.  I now feel that our team has several "nuggets" to take back and implement in our school and share with other educators and adults.”

Amy Friedman
Copenhagen International School
Middle School Counselor

“Every day I write an appreciation about something in my life.  I could have written fifty appreciations based on this workshop, instead of the two I was kept to.  I loved the experiential aspect, as I tend to learn by doing after listening.  Not only where they fun (due to Jane and Teresa) but they were also powerful and moving.  I'm already running Positive Discipline for Parents classes with the parents of our school's Middle School and High School students, but now I'm excited about using this with teachers and administration.  I think that several activities will be particularly helpful as we explore how to best help teenagers having difficulty in our Student Services Team meetings.  I wish all teachers could have this training before they head into the classroom!”

Liane Thakur
The American School in London
High School Counselor

THE ART OF ACTIVE LISTENING

Active (or reflective) listening is another effective tool of communication, one that will serve you well as you parent your child and (sooner than you may think) the adolescent that child will become. Active listening is the art of observing and listening to feelings, then reflecting them back. Active listening does not require that you agree with your child’s feelings, but it allows your child to feel connected and understood— something all people need—and provides an opportunity to explore and clarify those mysterious impulses known as emotions.

Four‐year‐old Chrissy ran through the front door, slamming it so forcefully that the pictures rattled on the wall, and promptly burst into tears. “Tammy took my ball,” she wailed. “I hate her!” Then Chrissy threw herself onto the sofa in a storm of sobs.

Her mom, Diane, looked up from the bills she was paying. Resisting the impulse to scold Chrissy for slamming the door, she said quietly, “You seem pretty angry, kiddo.”

Chrissy pondered for a moment. “Mom,” she said plaintively, sniffling a little, “Tammy is bigger than me. It isn’t fair for her to take away my stuff.”

″It must be pretty frustrating to be picked on by a big girl,” Diane said, still focusing on reflecting her daughter’s feelings. “Yeah. I’m mad,” the little girl said firmly. “I don’t want to play with her anymore.” She sat quietly for a moment, watching as Diane put stamps on envelopes. “Mom, can I go play out in the backyard?” Diane gave her daughter a hug—and a great deal more.

By simply reflecting back her daughter’s underlying feelings (active listening), Diane refrained from lecturing, rescuing, or discounting her daughter’s feelings. She allowed Chrissy the opportunity to explore what was going on for her, and in the process, Chrissy discovered a solution to her own problem. Some other time, Diane might be able to talk with Chrissy about avoiding future problems—and perhaps ask her what she could do to express her anger instead of slam the door.

Diane also showed respect for her daughter’s feelings. Parents often do not agree with (or completely understand) their children’s emotions, but active listening does not require you to agree or completely understand. It invites children to feel heard and lets them know it’s okay to feel whatever they feel. Validating a child’s feelings with love and understanding opens the door for real connection and problem solving and works toward building a lifelong relationship of love and trust.

Pretend these statements are made by a child. How would you respond?

″No! I won’t take a nap!”
″I want a bottle like the baby has.”
″I hate going to the doctor.”
″Nobody will let me play with them.”

Some parents try to argue a child out of her feelings in hopes of changing her mind or helping her feel better. These attempts may sound like this:

″Of course you need your nap—you’ve been up since six. When will you learn that you need to rest?”
″Don’t be silly. Only babies use bottles. You’re a big boy now.”
″I keep telling you, you have to go to the doctor to feel better.”
″Why sweetie, you know you have lots of friends. What about . . .”

Each of these examples may leave the child feeling misunderstood and defensive—with the likely result of an argument and frustration for both of you. Active listening might sound like this:

″You look disappointed that you have to stop playing with your toys. You were having a lot of fun.”
″Sounds like you’re feeling left out in all the fuss over your new baby sister. Is there more you can tell me?”
″Sometimes I feel a little afraid of going to the doctor, too.”
″You seem pretty sad about being ignored by the older kids.”

These responses make no judgments and open the door for children to go further in exploring their feelings. Asking “Is there more?” indicates a willingness to listen and may help a child discover deeper, buried feelings.

Like most adults, sometimes all children really need is for someone to listen and understand. Active listening will help your child learn about his own feelings (and appropriate ways to express them) and will help you focus on what’s really important.

Have Faith in Your Children

Have you every wondered why it is a good idea to have faith in your children? How else will they learn to have faith in themselves? Of course it is important to show your faith with actions. The foundation actions to show faith in your children are avoidance actions such as avoiding over-parenting, rescuing, fixing, reminding (lecturing).

Too often parents tell their children to be responsible, but then don’t allow them opportunities to be responsible. I think it was Dreikurs who said, “The best way to teach children to be responsible is for parents to be consciously irresponsible.” In other words (and I know Dreikurs said this), “Don’t do things for children that they can do for themselves.”

If you have been taking responsibility for things your children could be responsible for (rescuing, fixing, taking their lunch to school when they forget), be prepared for objections. If you have been a “willing slave” to your children, don’t be surprised if they have a tantrum when you stop—even when you let them know in advance that you have been making a mistake by not having faith in them to handle many of their challenges.

There is nothing better than a real success story to teach the value of this Positive Discipline tool. After talking with Leslie about the value of allowing children to suffer when you stop rescuing (much different from making them suffer), and having faith in them to work through their suffering to feel more capable, she shared the following story:

I’m sure you hear this all the time; parents who say, “I tried what you suggested and it worked!” but I still feel compelled to share this.

A few hours after you and I talked, my 15-year-old son called, sounding desperate, saying, “Mom, please come pick me up at school! I have so much homework!”

I couldn’t anyway since I don’t drive to work, but calmly said, “Hmmm, that’s too bad.”
“But Mom. You don’t understand. I need a ride.”

And I said, “I can’t, but I have faith in you. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

Right afterwards, I called my husband (who is now working at home starting a new business and who has been complaining that he always “has” to pick up our son because he feels so guilty with such daily pleas, but it interrupts his work) to expect a call any second but to stand firm and allow our son to get home on his own.

The best part? That night my son told me he and his friend took the city bus home together and had the “best” time, stopping to buy candy and laughing all the way home.

Really, if you’re not too busy, could you come live with my family and me?

BTW: Thought it worth mentioning, he also got his homework done.

This was such a great example of having faith in your children. I think it is worth mentioning a few other suggestions I shared with Leslie about allowing children to suffer.

1. Express empathy. (Once is enough.)
2. Avoid lectures.
3. Do not rescue or fix.
4. Let them know you have faith in them to work it out.
5. When they get upset and/or annoyed that their pleas for special service aren’t working, let them have their feelings. Have faith in them to work through it.
6. If they can’t find a solution, invite them to put the problem on the family meeting agenda where they can get help brainstorming for solutions.

You may not always experience the happy ending shared in Leslie’s example. That is not the point. The point is that your children will develop life skills and a sense of capability in an atmosphere of loving support that does not include “bawling them out” (lectures), and then “bailing them out” (fixing an rescuing). Have faith in your children.

Meanwhile keep having regular family meetings so your children learn and practice the skills of giving and receiving compliments and focusing on solutions that are respectful to everyone. Regular family meetings provide your children with many skills to have faith in themselves.

Positive Discipline in France

I just have to share this email from Béatrice Sabate, A Certified Positive Discipline Trainer in France. I loved watching the video even though I don't understand French.

Hi everyone,

A few good news to share with all of you!
Last Wednesday, we got a 4mn during the evening news (prime time) on
national television :



In the video above, you will be able to see the 4mn including
Nadine's family talking about a few PD tools they are using at home
(all beautiful and natural and so PD!); and parents during a session
talking about what PD has brought to their life...very touching! It's
only 4 minutes when the shooting lasted 9 hours total but ... great
memories, wonderful sharing and a real sense of belonging for all the
participants!

The Positive Discipline book is now published in French, there are articles in the media such as ELLE magazine; Parents magazine; psychology magazine ... the sky will be the limit. The first Positive Discipine in the Classroom Workshop will happen at the end of February and we will have our second Teaching Parenting Workshop in January. A lot of seven week parenting classes are now running. We are all focused on spreading the Positive Discipline news in this lovely country who really is in need! It's a start but it's happening. A few French educators will go to the PDC in London in order to meet Jane and see Teresa again (as she already met them in Paris). We also have a facebook page : association discipline positive france. Check out our page!

It is amazing for all of us to be part of the Positive Discipline adventure. We are so grateful to all of you and your unconditional support.
As far as I am concerned I am also deeply thankful remembering the
day, 15 years ago, when I accidentally found Jane's book on a shelve
in an office where I was providing play therapy to kids ...
Warm hugs to all.

Béatrice