Friends, Exclusion, and Name Calling - A Positive Discipline Approach

The dilemma—what to do when your child is being excluded by “friends” —or subjected to name-calling and put-downs. If you interfere are you being over protective and just making things worse for your child? If you don’t interfere, are you allowing your child to be subjected to experiences that could be traumatizing for life?

Alison Wishard Guerra shared the following response on the Positive Discipline Social Network where she points out that it is not whether or not you should interfere—but how.

We have had this issue with the girls on our street and our daughter who is at least 6 months younger than the youngest (ages 3.5, 4, 5, and 6). Girls can be very savvy when it comes to excluding and social power! Rather than intervening at the moment we started having a chat with all the kids every time they were together and going to play, reviewing what the rules are.

Above all else, the primary rules of interaction are to respect one another and to be kind and courteous. We discuss whether excluding people is being respectful and whether calling someone "bad" is respectful or kind.  They are old enough to help generate the rules and determine which behaviors are respectful, kind, and courteous. They can also participate in generating solutions for what to do when some one is not being respectful, kind, and courteous.

We encourage children to first tell the other child that they don't like to be called names, or trying to enforce the rule themselves. Otherwise, if they can't follow the rules or work it out, the play date is over. 

After having this discussion just a few times when we first get together they learned to interact much better and felt empowered by having come up with such good ideas on how to get along. We have only had to end the play date once in a one-on-one play-date with one of the older girls in the neighborhood. It sends the message very quickly if you follow through with what you say you will do rather than continue to give warnings.

Bring them in to the problem solving conversation BEFORE they begin playing and giving them the opportunity to generate solutions, demonstrate positive behavior, and have some autonomy in their social interactions.

When I asked Alison if I could share her response she responded:

Yes of course. I might add that we got the idea from reading your books and listening to one of your lectures. This is also the approach they take in our daughter's Montessori preschool, so she is used to it. The other kids who go to traditional schools are more accustomed to not having adults mind if they aren't respectful, or giving continual warnings without any real response.


One other comment is that we would have these conversations while the other parents were around, but not purposefully including them. This also clued them in a bit more that there are other ways of handling these situations and that it is ok and appropriate to expect children to understand how to be respectful and kind. I noticed a slight change in the parents' responses to the children as well, where they agreed that if the children could not work it out then the play date would be over. So we all learned here, children and adults.

Thanks for providing the guidance to us parents!

Alison

I want to thank Alison for being one of those parents who “gets” the spirit and the principles of the Positive Discipline (instead of just techniques) and is so generous in sharing her understanding with others seeking help.

A Heartwarming Positive Discipline Success Story

This heartwarming story was shared by Certified Positive Discipline Associate Terese Bradshaw who is also the Directress and Founder of Montessori for Toddlers.

Well little lady, I just dropped you off at your last day of your first preschool. It was a very special place to me, and a special place for you too. When mommy was nervous about dropping you off, there was Ms. Mary and Ms. Terese's warmth to greet you, which helped both of us. It didn't take you long to see that this was a safe place to learn about so many things. And I think of it as a place where I learned so much too. With Ms. Mary and Ms. Terese by our side for two years, we learned about more things than I could write down. This morning when you washed your berries without help and said you were proud of yourself, well, it made me think of them. And when you noticed that the yolk of the fried egg I made you this morning didn't break and you asked if I was proud, I was, and I again thought of them. Mama spent many nights in your same classroom learning lessons from Ms. Terese about things that have made me feel like a better Mama, and that is something I will never, ever forget. She gave me the gift of feeling like I had good ideas about how and what to teach you as a mommy. She taught us about taking time-outs for ourselves to cool off when we got frustrated, and how much it helps when we know what we are feeling. And one of my favorite things that they taught us is how capable we are. There are so many nice things that Ms. Terese and Ms. Mary showed us these last two years and I know we will carry them in our hearts forever, wherever we are. Just like Pooh Bear carries Christopher Robin in his heart, even when they're apart.

Spending Special Time With Your Teenager

When your child becomes a teenager, it is not uncommon for them to become defiant. They will often contradict you and even try to sabotage your best efforts to create a harmonious family life. This can be very discouraging to parents and usually results in constant power struggles.

Positive Discipline has a great tool called "Special Time" which can work wonders to create a connection with your teenager and solve a lot of the power struggles in your home.

Listen to the following podcast as Dr. Jane Nelsen interviews a single dad who used special time with his teenage son to help reduce their power struggles and improve their relationship.

Special Time Podcast

I love you, AND the answer is, “No.”

Rudolf Dreikurs taught the importance of being both kind and firm in our relations with children. Kindness is important in order to show respect for the child. Firmness is important in order to show respect for ourselves and for the needs of the situation. Authoritarian methods usually lack kindness. Permissive methods lack firmness. Kindness and firmness are essential for Positive Discipline.

Many parents and teachers struggle with this concept for many reasons. One is that they often don't feel like being kind when a child has "pushed their buttons." Again I want to ask, "If adults want children to control their behavior, is it too much to ask that adults learn to control their own behavior?" Often, it is the adults who should take some Positive Time-out until they can "feel" better so they can "do" better.

Another reason adults have difficulty being kind and firm at the same time is that they don't know what kind and firm look like. They may be stuck in the vicious cycle of being too firm when upset–or because they don't know what else to do; and then being too kind to make up for being too firm.

One of the biggest mistakes some parents and teachers make when they decide to do Positive Discipline is becoming too permissive because they don't want to be punitive. Some mistakenly believe they are being kind when they please their children, or when they rescue them and protect them from all disappointment. This is not being kind; it is being permissive. Being kind means to be respectful of the child and of yourself. It is not respectful to pamper children. It is not respectful to rescue them from every disappointment so they don't have the opportunity to develop their "disappointment muscles." It is respectful to validate their feelings, "I can see that you are disappointed (or angry, or upset, etc.)." Then it is respectful to have faith in children that they can survive disappointment and develop a sense of capability in the process.

A wonderful way to apply this principle of Kindness and Firmness is to use the phrase “I love you, and the answer is ‘no.’” Listen to the following podcast as Mary Nelsen Tamborksi (Jane Nelsen’s youngest daughter) tells a delightful story about being at her wits end before remembering this Positive Discipline tool.

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Another Hug Story

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Some of you may know that a “Hug” is one of my favorite Positive Discipline Tools. During this podcast you will understand why as I interview Beth Whitehead after she sent me the following success story.

Dear Jane,

As you may remember, I had a situation with my older daughter (3 yrs old) taking toys away from our littler one (1 1/2 years).  My new behavior was to try hugging the older one when she was being a bully.  SO, something came up today that I really wanted to share:

I was past my patience level and almost yelling at Eden (3) to go sit on the couch, rather than staying underfoot as I was loading the dryer and hassling her little sister for some reason or another.  She was also crying and possibly about to tantrum.  I stopped and just hugged her, as we discussed.  It was PERFECT!  She stopped crying & whining. And then SHE suggested we hug the little one.  I didn't have to do anything else.

Another quick story: Eden was in full tantrum on a different occasion and I thought back to our exercise of asking for a hug.  That worked, too!  It totally diffused the situation and she calmed down.

Also, I taught my daughter to say, "I need attention" when she just needs a hug or for me to stop doing whatever I am doing.  It works so well and is so much better than my getting annoyed and not noticing that she needs me to stop and pay her more attention.

I feel like I am finally on my way to really helping my babies feel understood.  Thank you for all you do Jane!!

Very Sincerely,

Beth

Family Meetings

Several years ago some Adlerians recorded a bunch of family meetings in different families. For two years they looked for the perfect family meeting. Finally they gave up because they couldn't find a perfect family meeting. However, they were delighted with the positive results in families (more effective communication, focusing on solutions, having more fun together) even though their meetings were not perfect.

Keeping in mind that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn, the biggest mistake parents made that kept the meetings from coming closer to perfection was talking too much. Children are not thrilled about family meetings that provide another platform for parents to lecture. Parents need to talk less and listen more. Yes, I know how difficult this is—I’m still working on it. Somehow we parents think we aren’t doing our jobs unless we are talking, talking, talking.

Another mistake was trying to “fix feelings” (or to try talking children out of having their feelings) instead of just listening. Sometimes it can be encouraging to validate feelings, but try validating feelings with you lips together, "Mmmmm." This allows children to discover that they can work through their feelings and learn from them.

It is most effective to have family meetings once a week and to stick to an allotted time of 20 to 30 minutes—even if everything on the agenda has not been covered. This just might help your children learn "delayed gratification." Also, it gives them time to absorb what was discussed during the meeting, to try the agreed upon solution, and to practice working things out for themselves in between meetings.
Family meetings are one of the most important tools parents can use to teach children so many valuable social and life skills such as:

• Listening skills
• Brainstorming skills
• Problem-solving skills
• Mutual respect
• The value of cooling off before solving a problem. (Problems are put on the family meeting agenda so a cooling off period takes place before focusing on solutions to the challenge.)
• Concern for others
• Cooperation
• Accountability in a safe environment. (People don’t worry about admitting mistakes when they know they will be supported to find solutions instead of experiencing blame, shame, or pain.)
• How to choose solutions that are respectful to everyone concerned
• A sense of belonging and significance
• Social interest
• That mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn
• Having fun together as a family

Family Meetings provide an opportunity for parents to:

• Avoid power struggles by respectfully sharing control
• Avoid micromanaging children, so children learn self-discipline
• Listen in ways that invite children to listen
• Respectfully share responsibility
• Create good memories through a family tradition
• Model all of the skills they want their children to learn

Where else can you get so much for such a small investment in time? Family meetings provide a wonderful family tradition that may carry on for generations. A funny story about that: my children loved family meetings when they were six to twelve or so. Then they started complaining, as typical teens do, about how stupid family meetings were. I asked them to humor me, and that we could shorten the time from 30 minutes to 15 minutes.

One day Mary, one of the complainers, spent the night at a friend’s house. The next day she announced, “That family is so screwed up. They should be having family meetings.”

When Mary went off to college, she initiated regular “family meetings” with her roommates and said they would not have survived without them. Now you she shares her experience of involving four-year-old Greyson in his first family meeting.

Be sure and listen to the podcast below for more information on Family Meetings!

Family Meeting Podcast with Dr. Jane Nelsen and Mary Nelsen Tamborski.

Hugs: A Cure for Clinging

I often hear parents complain when their children go through a clinging stage.

About 40 years ago I read a story in a magazine (I don't know which one) about a mother who wanted to push her clingy daughter away to help her be more independent. Then the mother went to a fortuneteller who told her she had only a year to live. The mother wanted to cling to her daughter so much that pretty soon her daughter was pushing her away.

You might want to try holding and hugging your children until they get their fill.