Encouragement vs Praise

A Positive Discipline Tool Card

Rudolf Dreikurs taught, “A child needs encouragement like a plant needs water.” In other words, encouragement is essential. Children may not die without encouragement, but they certainly wither.

Since encouragement is so essential, it would be good for parents to know what encouragement means and how to do it. Let’s start with the difference between praise and encouragement. It would be helpful to download the file "Differences Between Praise and Encouragement".

Is it Praise or Encouragement?

Research by Carol Dweck, Ph.D. a professor at Columbia University, has now proven what Adler taught years ago. Praise is not good for children. Dweck found that praise can hamper risk taking. Children who were praised for being smart when they accomplished a task chose easier tasks in the future. They didn’t want to risk making mistakes. On the other hand, children who were “encouraged” for their efforts were willing to choose more challenging tasks when given a choice.

As Dreikurs said, “Encourage the deed [or effort], not the doer.” In other words, instead of, “You got an A, I’m so proud of you,” try, “Congratulations! You worked hard. You deserve it.” A subtle difference, but it will change the perception of your child.

The differences between encouragement and praise can be difficult to grasp for those who believe in praise and have seen immediate results. They have seen children respond to praise with beaming faces. However, they don’t think about the long-term effects. Praise is not encouraging because it teaches children to become “approval junkies.” They learn to depend on others to evaluate their worth. Encouragement leads to self reflection and self evaluation.

Now let's get back to the fact that children like praise. (So do I.) Praise is a like candy. A little can be very satisfying. Too much can cause problems. Awareness is the key. Notice if your kids are becoming addicted to praise—need it all the time.

Those who want to change from praise to encouragement may find it awkward to stop and think before making statements that have become habitual. It will help to keep the following questions in mind when wondering whether the statements you make to children are praise or encouragement:

• Am I inspiring self-evaluation or dependence on the evaluation of others?
• Am I being respectful or patronizing?

• Am I seeing the child’s point of view or only my own?

• Would I make this comment to a friend?

I have found the last question especially helpful. The comments we make to friends usually fit the criteria for encouragement.

How to Encourage

Encouragement is helping your children develop courage—courage to grow and develop into the people they want to be, to feel capable, to be resilient, to enjoy life, to be happy, contributing members of society, and, as Dreikurs said, “To have the courage to be imperfect;” to feel free to make mistakes and to learn from them.

Positive Discipline tools such as the following are designed to be encouraging to children:

1. Family Meetings where children learn to give and receive compliments and learn to brainstorm for solutions to problems.
2. Curiosity Questions to invite children how to think instead of what to think—and to give them a sense of choice to use their personal power for social responsibility.
3. Letting Go so children have opportunities to learn and grow—mistakes and all.
4. Show Faith in children so they can develop faith in themselves.
5. Spending Special Time to make sure the message of love gets through.

The successful use of encouragement requires adult attitudes of respect, interest in the child’s point of view, and a desire to provide opportunities for children to develop life skills that will lead to self-confident independence from the negative opinions of others.

The Anger Wheel of Choice: Anger is Just a Feeling

When I was growing up, I didn’t know that anger is just a feeling. To me anger meant withdrawal of love. My mother didn’t tell me she was angry. She just wouldn’t speak to me for days.  However, she did “speak” loud and clear with the look of disgust and disapproval on her face whenever she looked at me during those days of silence . My childlike mind twisted that to mean that people would stop loving me if I got angry.

Lynn Lott, co-author of several of the Positive Discipline books, and my dear friend and mentor, taught me that feelings are always okay. What we do about those feelings may not be okay. In other words, feeling angry is okay. Withdrawing love, or the many ways I expressed my anger, is not okay, (more about that later).

Knowing that anger is just a feeling, is always okay and may help change some old childhood beliefs. Recently I was feeling angry with a friend. Instead of following my previous pattern of trying to talk myself out of my anger, or making snide remarks, I said to my friend, "I want to tell you how angry I am, and I want you to still love me." I did and she did. When I took responsibility for my anger, instead of dancing around it, my friend was able to share her point of view. Then we apologized for our misperceptions and felt great again.

Many adults have not learned the valuable language of feelings. We are afraid that if we feel something we have to do something hurtful to others or ourselves. This is usually based on past experiences.

The Anger Wheel of Choice can help our children learn another way. During a calm time you can teach them that what they feel is always okay, and that what they do is not okay if the “doing” hurts others or themselves. You can show them the wheel of choice and teach them these alternative ways of expressing their anger that does not hurt others.

You might want to combine the Anger Wheel of Choice with the Positive Time-Out tool card, the Understanding the Brain tool card and the Focus on Solutions tool card. Let your children know that once they have expressed their feelings and calmed down, they might be able to think of more respectful ways to express their anger to another person, such as simply saying, “I’m angry at you right now. When we both feel better I hope we can find a solution that is respectful to both of us.”

It is just possible, that if children learn these life skills, they would feel more capable and confident, would experience more loving relationships with others, and would be instruments of peace in the world.

Avoid Pampering

A Positive Discipline Tool Card

The Avoid Pampering tool card is a perfect follow-up to the tool card of Show Faith. When we avoid pampering, we are in essence showing faith in our children.

But first let's define what we mean by "Avoid Pampering." We are NOT talking about love, affection and connection. Giving hugs is not pampering.  Giving compliments is not pampering. Validating feelings is not pampering.

Pampering is doing things for our children that they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves. The fact is, our children are born with an innate desire to do things for themselves and begin to express that desire around the age of two. We are all familiar with the toddler who says "Me do it!" Too many parents say, "No, you are too little. Go play." Then when they are older and we ask them to help, we are surprised when they say, "No. I'm playing."

Parents often do things for their children for expediency. They may be in a hurry or they are afraid their children will not do it "right" or perfectly. That is why it is important to "take time for training." This means showing them how and then letting them practice. Do things "with" young children until they are old enough and practiced enough to graduate to doing things by themselves. It will still often take longer and not be perfect, but remember we are striving for long-term results. We need to give our children opportunities to become responsible, capable young people.

Break the Code of Misbehavior

When children are misbehaving, they are speaking to adults in code? A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.  The primary goal of all children is to feel a sense of belonging and significance. Too often they form a mistaken belief about how to seek belonging and significance—as explained in the Mistaken Goal Chart. Unless adults know how to break the code—children usually experience the opposite of belonging and significance. Click on this link: Mistaken Goal Chart so you can follow along as I explain the code.

How you “feel” in response to the misbehavior provides the first clue to your child’s discouragement. You heard right. Your feelings help you break the code to your child’s mistaken belief about how to achieve belonging and significance—the true goal of all people. For example, when you feel irritated, annoyed, worried, or guilty, it is likely that your child’s mistaken goal is Undue Attention, based on the mistaken belief that, “I count (belong) only when I’m being noticed or getting special service. I’m important only when I’m keeping you busy with me.”

The second clue is your reaction to the misbehavior. Again, you heard right. The third column of the Mistaken Goal Chart summarizes adult behaviors that actually feed a child’s discouragement. Let’s take an example. Suppose your child is interrupting. You feel annoyed. You scold your child for interrupting. She stops for a few minutes (your third clue that the mistaken goal is Undue Attention per the fourth column of the Mistaken Goal Chart). By scolding, you have reinforced the discouragement. In a few minutes your child will try harder to get undue attention.

Once you have the three clues, you can break the code and understand what your child really needs to feel encouraged, “Notice Me. Involve Me Usefully.” Suggestions for what this kind of encouragement would look like are in the last column of the Mistaken Goal Chart. For example, one mother shared that her four-year-old constantly interrupted her the minute she got on the phone. This mom decided to encourage her daughter by choosing to “redirect by involving her child in a useful task to gain useful attention.”

The next time the phone rang, Mom told the caller to excuse her for a minute. She knelt down eye level to her daughter and took off her watch. Mom told her daughter to watch the second hand and let her know when it went around and past the 12 three times so she could end the phone call. Her daughter followed the second hand intently. Her mom hung up before the second hand went around three times and she said, “Mommy, mommy. You had more time.”

The daughter stopped interrupting and gained attention by contributing instead of annoying. This could be the beginning of changing her belief of something such as, “I belong when I am helping others,” instead of, “I belong only when others make me the center of the Universe.”

Change the Belief, Not Just The Behavior

Most parents don’t understand that there is a belief behind every behavior. Thus they make the mistake of trying to change just the behavior. The behavior will stop only when the belief behind the behavior is changed. Breaking the code helps you understand the discouraging belief behind the behavior and what the child really needs to feel encouraged enough to change his or her belief.

You have read an example of breaking the code for the mistaken goal of Undue Attention. The following activity will help you break the code for specific behaviors that are challenging to you so that you can be encouraging to your child and to yourself.

Break the Code Worksheet


1.  Describe a challenging behavior you are experiencing with your child.




2.  Identify your feelings. Remember that a feeling can be described with just one word. (Frustrated doesn’t count because it is a generic feeling that can be narrowed down to a more specific feeling. In the beginning you may need to look at the second column of the Mistaken Goal Chart to find the feelings that fit for you.) Write your feeling or feelings below.




3.  Describe what you usually do in response to the challenging behavior?





4.  Now get into your child’s world. How would you feel if you were a child and your parent did or said what you did or said?


What would you be thinking?


What would you be feeling?


What would you decide to do? (This is a clue to the belief behind the action.)


5.  Look at the sixth column of the Mistaken Goal Chart to “break the code” and identify what the child needs.



6.  Choose a suggestion from the last column of the Mistaken Goal Chart that you would like to try the next time you encounter the challenging behavior. Describe how you think this might be encouraging to your child and how it might help your child revise his or her belief about how to find belonging and significance.




7.  Journal about the results of what you did. If it didn’t seem to work to change the behavior, is it possible that your child is at least making a new decision.

Use this worksheet until it becomes second nature and you will earn an honorary degree as a behavior detective and encouragement expert.

Show Faith

A Positive Discipline Tool Card

One of the biggest mistakes some parents and teachers make, when they decide to do Positive Discipline, is becoming too permissive because they don’t want to be punitive. Some mistakenly believe they are being kind when they rescue their children, and protect them from all disappointment. This is not being kind; it is being permissive. Being kind means to be respectful of the child and of yourself. It is not respectful to pamper children. It is not respectful to rescue them from every disappointment so they don’t have the opportunity to develop their disappointment muscles. It is respectful to validate their feelings, "I can see that you are disappointed (or angry, or upset, etc.)." Then it is respectful to have faith in children that they can survive disappointment and develop a sense of capability in the process.

Have faith in children to handle their own problems. (Offer support through validating feelings or giving a hug, but not by rescuing or fixing.)

TAKE TIME FOR TRAINING

It is also important to take time for training. Adults often expect children to accomplish tasks for which there has not been adequate training. This is more typical in homes than in schools. Parents may expect children to clean their rooms, but never teach them how. Children go into their messy rooms and feel overwhelmed. It may be helpful to clean the room with your children until they have more training. This is also a great way to create connection.

CURIOSITY QUESTIONS

Be sure and use "Curiosity Questions." (We will be covering curiosity questions in a later blog post.) Instead of telling children what to do, ask curiosity questions. "Where do your dirty clothes go?" "What do we need to do before we can vacuum the floor?" Children are great problem solvers when we give them a chance.

PATIENCE

Patience is probably the most difficult part of showing faith in our children. It is almost always more expedient to solve problems for our children. This is particularly true when we are under time pressures.   In these cases we can take time later to explore solutions for the future. Ask your children exploratory questions. "What happened?" "What caused it to happen?" "What did you learn?" "What can you do in the future?"

When time pressures are not an issue, practice having patience with your children. Allow them to problem solve on their own. Allow them to feel a little disappointment. Allow them to work through their feelings. They will need these skills in the future.

It may help to remember that who your children are today, is not who they will be forever. Someday they will be nagging their own children to put their dishes in the sink and to clean their rooms.  Remember that example is the best teacher. Model what you want for your children, take time for training so they learn skills, have regular family meetings, and then have lots of faith in them to become the best they can be.

Closet Listening

A Positive Discipline Tool Card

Have you ever tried talking with your children only to be frustrated by one word, unenthusiastic, totally bored responses? Many parents become discouraged when they ask their children, “How was your day?” and their children say, “Fine.” Then they ask, “What did you do today?” The response is, “Nothing.”

Try closet listening.

Closet listening means you find times to be near your children, hoping they will talk with you, but not being obvious about it. I tried this with my daughter, Mary, when she was a teenager. While Mary was getting ready for school, fixing her hair and makeup at the bathroom mirror, I would go in and sit on the edge of the tub. The first time I did this, Mary asked, “What do you want, Mama?” I said, “Nothing, except that I  just want to spend a few minutes with you.” Mary waited to see what would come next. Nothing did. She finished fixing her hair and makeup and said, “Bye, Mama.”

I continued to do this every morning. It wasn’t long before Mary got used to having me there. I didn’t ask any questions, but before long, Mary would chat away about all the things that were going on in her life.

Children often feel interrogated. You may be ready to talk when your child isn’t. Experiment by serving cookies without asking, “How was your day?” Just sit there. Perhaps children who resist questions will respond when you make yourself available and just listen.

Click on the link below to listen to Dr. Jane Nelsen talk about Closet Listening

Click Here if you do not see the MP3 player.

Letting Go: Morning Hassles and Responsibility

"Jimmy, time to get up! C'mon, Jimmy, get up now! This is the last time I'm going to call you!"

Sound familiar? Mornings in Jimmy's home are much like mornings in other homes around the world—hectic, argumentative, and full of hassles.  Jimmy has not learned to be responsible because Mom is too busy being responsible for him.  It gets worse as the morning continues.

"How should I know where your books are?  Where did you leave them? How many times have I told you to put them where they belong? If you don't hurry up and eat, you're just going to have to go to school hungry. You're still not dressed, and the bus will be here in five minutes! I'm not going to take you to school if you're not ready—and I mean it! (While driving Jimmy to school), “Jimmy, when will you ever learn?  This is absolutely the last time I'll drive you to school when you miss the bus.  You've got to learn to be more responsible!"

What do you think? Is this the last time Jimmy's mother will drive him to school when he misses the bus?  No. Jimmy is very intelligent. He knows his mother’s threats are meaningless.  He has heard the threats many times and knows his mother will drive him to school when he's late.

Jimmy's mother is right about one thing:  Jimmy should learn to be more responsible.  But through morning scenes like these, she is teaching him to be less responsible.  She is the responsible party when she keeps reminding him of everything he needs to do.

Lecturing, Nagging, Scolding, Threatening 

Children do not learn from the lecturing, nagging, scolding, and threatening.

Actually, they do learn from these methods—just not what you hope they will learn.  They learn to engage in power-struggles, resistance, rebellion, and revenge cycles. They may learn to comply and become approval junkies—more concerned about pleasing others to feel a sense of belonging and significance than to cooperate out of mutual respect.

It is possible to enjoy hassle free mornings while teaching children self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation, and problem-solving skills—the characteristics of happy, successful people with a healthy sense of self-worth and respect for self and others.  What a wonderful gift to give your children while enjoying peaceful mornings. The key is letting go. Many parents are afraid that letting go means abandoning their children or giving in to permissiveness. In Positive Discipline terms, letting go mean allowing children to develop their sense of cooperation and capability

8 Tips for Letting Go, Avoiding Morning Hassles and Teaching Responsibility     

1.  Involve children in the problem-solving process.  When children are involved in solutions they have ownership and motivation to follow the plans they have helped create.  Sit down with your children during a family meeting or a more informal session.  Present the problem and ask for suggestions, "We are having a lot of morning hassles.  What ideas do you have on how we could solve this problem?"  Your attitude and tone of voice in presenting the problem is crucial.  Humiliation invites resistance and defensiveness.  Respect invites cooperation.  Write down every suggestion.  You can make suggestions too, but only after allowing plenty of time for theirs first.  Select the suggestions that everyone can agree upon and discuss exactly how it will be implemented.  Willing agreement by everyone involved is essential so that everyone feels the desire to cooperate.

Ownership and motivation are not the only benefits of getting children involved in the problem-solving process.  They usually have great ideas when we allow them to contribute.  They also develop the perception that they are capable and the a feeling of self-confidence that comes from making valuable contributions. And, it helps you let go.

2.  Involve children in the creation of routines.  One of the best ways to avoid morning hassles is by starting the night before with a routine that helps avoid bedtime hassles, so start with the creation of a bedtime routine with your children.

After your child makes a list (either writing herself or with you transcribing) of everything she can think of to include as part of her bedtime routine, ask, “What about getting your things ready for the next morning?" During this time she can choose the clothes she wants to wear the next morning.

Have you noticed that when children are under time pressures they always want to wear the special shirt that they can't find anywhere?  If they do finally find it at the bottom of the clothes hamper they insist it has to be washed and ironed before school.  On the other hand, when they have plenty of time it seems easy for them to choose something in their closet and lay it out for the next morning. During this time they can also find their shoes, socks, books, homework, and whatever else they need for the next morning.

Next, help your children create their own morning routine chart.  Let your children decide what time they need to get up, how much time they need to get ready, what part they will play in the breakfast routine, and rules about the television not being turned on until everything is done and their is time left over.

Young children love it when you take photos of them doing each task on their routine charts and let them post the photo next to the task, and then hang the routine charts where they can be easily seen.

4.  Let go by allowing children to experience natural or logical consequences.

Natural consequences are what happens naturally, without adult interference.  When you stand in the rain, you get wet; when you don't eat, you get hungry; when you forget your coat, you get cold.

Logical consequences require adult intervention.  Obviously, you aren't going to allow your children to experience the natural consequences of playing in the middle of a busy street, or when a child is throwing rocks at another person, an adult needs to step in, because the child is interfering with the rights of another person.  Also, when the results of the child's behavior do not seem like a problem to the child, natural consequences (such as eating junk food and not brushing their teeth) are ineffective.

Children can learn a great deal from natural and logical consequences to help them develop responsibility if you are willing to let go.  Jimmy will learn to be responsible when his mother stays out of the way and allows him to experience the consequences of being late.

5.  Decide what you will do.  This is one way to take a small step in letting go of the power struggles you create when trying to make children do something. Let your children know in advance what you plan to do. For example, Jimmy's mother might tell him that she will call him once to get up.  (Or better yet, she will buy him an alarm clock, teach him how to use it, and let him take full responsibility.)  If he doesn't take the responsibility from then on, he will probably miss his bus.  Mom can let him know in a kind and firm manner that she is not willing to drive him to school. If he misses his bus, he will have to walk to school and may have to stay late to make up the time. (If walking is not an option because safety is an issue you may wish to find another solution. Perhaps Jimmy can spend time after school doing something for mommy to make up for the time spent driving Jimmy to school.)

6.  Follow-through with actions, not words.  When children test your new plan, the fewer words you use the better.  Keep your mouth shut and act. If Jimmy continues to dawdle and misses his bus, don't resort to "I told you so." Just follow through on agreed-upon consequences.

The few words you do use to ensure firmness with dignity and respect should be stated in a kind and friendly manner.  "I'm sorry you missed your bus, Jimmy.  We can talk about your walking experience tomorrow."

Ignore the temptation to become involved in a power struggle or revenge cycle.  Children will do their best to get you sucked into your usual response.  When Jimmy says, "Please drive me, Mom.  I won't be late again," don't give in.  Kindly and firmly remind him of your decision.  Then jump in the shower so you're not tempted to get involved in further discussion!

7.  Things may get worse before they get better. Children may try hard to get the response they are used to getting from you. Be consistent with your new plan of action and children will learn a new response-ability.  If Jimmy is late and misses his bus, he will have to experience the natural consequence—walking to school.  If Jimmy doesn't like walking to school, it won't be long before he begins to take responsibility for himself.

8.  Have faith in your children. Children learn to be capable people by spending time with people who believe they are capable.  For example, when Jimmy's mother believes that he can get himself up and ready for school without her hassling him constantly, Jimmy will also believe that he can accomplish this feat on his own.  It gives him a new sense of self-confidence—even at age six.  If he can handle getting himself up and ready for school, what can't he handle?

If you want to turn morning hassles into morning bliss, practice the steps for letting go outlined above.  Teach your children the joys of responsibility, cooperation, and self-discipline.  How much better to face a morning full of love, understanding, and fun than a morning full of hassles, criticism, and arguments.

SILENT SIGNALS

Try a silent (secret) signal. (Kids love the secret part—especially when they have helped create it.) Creating silent signals can be part of “taking time for training” (another great tool card).

My daughter, Mary Nelsen Tamborski, took time for training with four-year-old Greyson about interrupting. (Remember, that time for training takes place during calm times—not at the time of conflict.) They decided on a secret signal and then they practiced. When Mom is talking to someone else, Greyson squeezes her hand to let her know he wants to say something. She puts her hand on his shoulder to let him know she will finish as soon as she can and listen to him. Greyson seldom interrupted after that. It was obvious that he felt pleased about their secret code.

Silent Signal Podcast

Click Here to Listen

The silent signal illustrated on the Positive Discipline Tool Card is to point to your watch when you have agreed (together) on a specific time that something should be done. Remember to smile while you are pointing.

Following are some more examples of using Silent Signals.


Mr. Perry, a principal, decided to attend a parent study group at his school. He made it clear to the group that he was attending as a parent who would like to learn some skills to use with his own children.

One night he asked the group to help him solve the problem of getting his son, Mike, to take out the garbage. Mike always agreed to do it, but never did without constant reminders. The group gave Mr. Perry several suggestions, such as turning the television off until it was done or giving Mike a choice as to when he would do it. One parent suggested they try the silent signal of turning Mike’s empty plate over at the dinner table if he forgot to take the garbage out before dinner. Mr. Perry decided to try this.

First, the family discussed the garbage problem at a family meeting. Mike again reaffirmed that he would do it. Mrs. Perry said, "We appreciate your willingness to help, but we also realize how easy it is to forget. Would it be okay with you if we use a silent signal so that we can stop nagging?"

Mike wanted to know what kind of signal.

Mr. Perry explained the idea of turning his empty plate over at the dinner table. If he came to the table and saw his plate turned over, that would remind him. He could then empty the garbage before coming to the table. Mike said, "That’s okay with me."

It was eight days before Mike forgot to empty the garbage. (When children are involved in a problem solving discussion, they usually cooperate for a while before testing the plan.) When he came to the table and saw his plate turned over, Mike started having a temper tantrum. He whined, "I’m hungry! I’ll take the garbage out later! This is really dumb!"

I’m sure you can imagine how difficult it was for Mom and Dad to ignore this rebellious behavior. Most parents would want to say, "Come on, Mike, you agreed, now stop acting like a baby!" If Mike continued his misbehavior, they would want to forget the plan and use punishment (which would stop the present rebellious behavior, but would not solve the problem of getting the garbage emptied and allow Mike to learn responsibility).

Mr. and Mrs. Perry continued to ignore Mike’s temper tantrum, even when he stomped into the kitchen, got the garbage, slammed the garage door on his way out, and then sulked and banged his fork on his plate all during dinner.

The next day Mike remembered to empty the garbage and was very pleasant during dinner. As a result of their consistency in following the agreed upon plan, Mike did not forget to empty the garbage for two more weeks. When he saw his empty plate turned over again, he said, "Oh, yeah." He then took the garbage out, came to the table, turned his plate over, and pleasantly ate with the rest of the family.

Another reason it is difficult for parents to ignore rebellious misbehavior is the feeling that they are letting children get away with something. They feel they are neglecting their duty to do something about it. This could be true, if there weren’t some plan or purpose behind the ignoring. Mr. and Mrs. Perry let Mike get away with his temporary outburst (remember, things often get worse before they get better) but since it was part of an agreed upon plan, they solved the problem of continuous nagging over neglected chores.

Mrs. Beal was frustrated because it irritated her so much when the children would come home from school and dump their books on the couch. Constant nagging was not producing any change.

During a family meeting she told her children she didn’t want to yell and nag anymore about this problem. She suggested the silent signal of putting a pillow slip over the television as a reminder that there were books on the couch. The children agreed to this plan, and it worked very well. Mother no longer got involved beyond the signal. When the children saw the pillow slip, they either picked up their own books or reminded someone else to.

Several weeks later, Mrs. Beal wanted to watch her favorite TV program after the children had gone to school. She was surprised to find a pillow slip on the television. She looked at the couch and saw the packages she had left there the night before, when she was in a hurry to fix dinner.

The whole family had a good laugh over this turn of events. They enjoyed this method, and from then on the children thought of many silent signals as solutions to problems.

Mrs. Reed likes to use silent signals in her fifth-grade classroom. She teaches them to her students almost as a second language on the first day of school. One is to have them give her the silent signal of sitting quietly with their hands clasped on top of their desks when they were ready to listen. When she wants them to turn around and sit down during class or an assembly, she raises her right index finger and makes two small circles and then two up and down motions in the air to the rhythm of the words, "Turn around and sit down." She also taught them a signal for quiet during extreme noise. She would clap her hands once. Everyone who heard the single clap would clap once. Then she would clap twice. By now, several students had heard the echo clap of their classmates and were ready to join the response of two claps. Two claps were usually enough to get everyone quiet. Occasionally it would take three claps before everyone would hear and echo with three claps.

As you can see, the Positive Discipline Tool of Silent Signals can help solve problems, help children follow-through and help parents avoid constant nagging and reminding.

Control Your Behavior

The Positive Discipline Tool Card  of "Control Your Behavior" is sometimes easier said than done. Have you ever lost control of your behavior with your children? Listen to the following audio excerpt from Building Self-Esteem Through Positive Discipline as I discuss a time when I completely lost control with my daughter. (Click Here if you cannot see the audio player.)

Fortunately we can use the parenting tool of "Mistakes" to recover when we lose control of our behavior. But it is always better if we can find ways to avoid losing control in the first place. The suggestions listed on the tool card are:

1. Create your own special time-out area and let your children know when you need to use it.

Some parents are uncomfortable with this solution, especially when dealing with younger children. But if your children are older and you can set up this system in advance, it can be quite effective. It is nearly impossible to solve problems at the time of conflict when both the child and the parent have flipped their lid. The result is distance and hurt feelings. Usually followed by guilt!

Why not let your children know that you are taking a time out. Remove yourself from the situation and get centered before attempting to solve the problem. How you take your time-out is up to you. Maybe you will go to your room. Maybe you will go for a walk. Maybe call a close friend and discuss the problem. Whatever you decide, the important thing is to take time to cool off before addressing the problem.

2. If you can't leave the scene, count to 10 or take deep breaths.

This is a good solution if you have younger children or the situation requires your presence. It is also okay to share what you are feeling. "I'm so angry right now, I need to calm down before we talk." Kids need to know that what they feel is always okay, but what they do is not always okay. You model this by sharing your feelings without reacting to them and without blaming your children for your feelings. Avoid saying, "You make me so angry."

3. When you make mistakes, apologize to your children.

As you heard in the podcast above, I eventually calmed down and apologized to my daughter. Children are wonderfully forgiving when we take time to sincerely apologize when we lose control. During lectures I ask, "How many have you have apologized to a child?" Every hand goes up. I then ask, "What do they say?" The Universal response from children when parents apologize is, "That's okay."

By apologizing, you have created a connection (closeness and trust). In this atmosphere you can work together for a solution. Once again you have demonstrated that mistakes are opportunities to learn and that you can then focus on solutions.

Kind and Firm Parenting

A foundation of Positive Discipline is to be kind and firm at the same time. Some parents are kind, but not firm. Others are firm, but not kind. Many parents vacillate between the two—being too kind until they can’t stand their kids (who develop an entitlement attitude) and then being too firm until they can’t stand themselves (feeling like tyrants).

Opposites Attract: When One Parent Is Kind And The Other Is Firm

It is interesting to note how often two people with opposing philosophies about kindness and firmness get married. One has a tendency to be just a little too lenient. The other has a tendency to be just a little too strict. Then the lenient parent thinks he or she needs to be more lenient to make up for the mean old strict parent. The strict parent thinks he or she needs to be more strict to make up for the wishy-washy lenient parent—so they get further and further apart and fight about who is right and who is wrong. In truth they are both wrong. The trick is to be kind and firm and the same time.

Putting kind and firm together can be a challenge for parents who have a habit of going to one extreme or the other.

The Importance of “And” In Kind and Firm

One of my favorite examples of kind and firm at the same time is, “I love you, and the answer is NO.”

Other examples:

I know you don’t want to stop playing (validate feelings), AND it is time for _____

I know you would rather watch TV than do your homework (show understanding), AND homework needs to be done first.

You don’t want to brush your teeth, AND we’ll do it together. Want to race? (Redirection.)

I know you don’t want to mow the lawn, AND what was our agreement? (Kindly and quietly wait for the answer—assuming you decided together on an agreement in advance.)

You don’t want to go to bed, AND it is bedtime. Do you want one story or two stories as soon as your jammies are on? (Provide a choice?)

I know you want to keep play video games, AND your time is up. You can turn it off now, or it will be put in my closet. (A choice and then follow through by deciding what you will do.)

Kind Is Not Always Nice

The mother bird knows instinctively when it is time to push her baby bird from the nest so it will learn to fly. If we didn’t know better we might think this is not very nice of the mother bird. If the baby bird could talk, it might be saying, “No. I don’t want to leave the nest. Don’t be so mean. That’s not fair.” However, we know the baby bird would not learn to fly if the mother bird did not provide that important push.

Kind is not always nice. It would be very unkind to allow her baby to be handicapped for life by pampering—an unkindness practiced by many parents today.

I think we all know the mistakes made in the name of firmness without kindness. In a word, it is punishment. However, many do not know the mistakes made in the name of kindness such as:

• Pleasing
• Rescuing
• Over-protecting
• Pampering—providing all “wants”
• Micromanaging in the name of love
• Giving too many choices
• Making sure children never suffer

All of theses parenting methods create weakness.

You may be surprised to see, “making sure children never suffer,” as a mistake in the name of kindness. The following story of the little boy and the butterfly may help you understand how rescuing children from all suffering creates weakness.

A little boy felt sorry for a butterfly struggling to emerge from its chrysalis. He decided to help so he could save the butterfly from the struggle. So he peeled the chrysalis open for the butterfly. The little boy was so excited to watch the butterfly spread its wings and fly off into the sky. Then he was horrified as he watched the butterfly drift to the ground and die because it did not have the muscle strength to keep flying.

Like the little boy, parents too often (in the name of love) want to protect their children from struggle. They don’t realize that their children need to struggle, to deal with disappointment, to solve their own problems, so they can develop their emotional muscles and develop the skills necessary for the even bigger struggles they will encounter throughout their lives.

It is important that parents do not make children suffer, but sometimes it is most helpful to “allow” them to suffer with support.

For example, suppose a child “suffers” because she can’t have the toy she wants. Allowing her to suffer through this experience can help her develop her resiliency muscles. She learns that she can survive the ups and downs of life—leading to a sense of capability and competency. The support part is that you validate her feelings, but avoid rescuing or lecturing.

It isn’t helpful when parents engage in “piggy backing”—adding lectures, blame and shame to what the child is experiencing. “Stop crying and acting like a spoiled brat. You can’t always have what you want. Do you think I’m made of money? And besides, all I got in my Christmas stocking was nuts and an orange.”

Instead, parents can offer loving support. “I can see this is very upsetting to you. It can be very disappointing when we don’t get what we want.” Period. I say, “period,” because some parents even overdo validating feelings—going on and on in the hopes that validating feelings will take away the suffering.

 Validate a child’s feelings and then allow her to recover from those feelings. “I can see you are very disappointed that you didn’t get a better grade.” Then comes the tough part—no rescuing and no lectures. Simply allow her to discover that she can get over her disappointment and figure out what might increase her chances of getting what she wants in the future.

Kindness Without Firmness Is Permissiveness

Many people who are drawn to Positive Discipline err on the side of kindness. They are against punishment, but don’t realize that firmness is necessary to avoid permissiveness. Permissiveness is not healthy for children because they are likely to decide, “Love means getting others to take care of me and give me everything I want."

Have faith in your children that they can learn and grow from suffering—especially in a supportive environment. Understand that kind is not always nice, short term. True kindness and firmness together provide an environment where children can develop the “wings” they need to soar through life.

Motivation - A Positive Discipline Tool Card

An excerpt from the book Positive Discipline by Dr. Jane Nelsen.

Where did we ever get the crazy idea that to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse?

Think of the last time you felt humiliated or treated unfairly. Did you feel like cooperating or doing better?

Take time to close your eyes and remember a recent time (or a time during your childhood) when someone tried to motivate you to do better by trying to make you feel bad. Remember exactly what happened. Get in touch with how you felt. Be aware of what you were deciding about yourself, about the other person, and about what to do in the future. (Even though you were not aware that you were making decisions at the time.)

Did you feel motivated to do better? If so, was it a good feeling, or was it based on negative feelings about yourself and/or the other person? Did you feel motivated to give up or to cover up so you could avoid future humiliation? Or, did you want to become an approval junkie—giving up a big part of yourself in order to please others?

Children do not develop positive characteristics based on the feelings and subconscious decisions they make as a result of punishment.

Parents and teachers who don’t like excessive control or permissiveness, but don’t know what else to do, may switch back and forth in confusion between two ineffective alternatives. They try excessive control until they can’t stand themselves for sounding so tyrannical. They then switch to permissiveness until they can’t stand how spoiled and demanding the children get—so they go back to excessive control.

What is the price when excessive control seems to work with some children? Research has shown that children who experience a great deal of punishment become either rebellious or fearfully submissive. Positive Discipline does not include any blame, shame, or pain (physical or emotional) as motivators. On the other hand, permissiveness is humiliating to adults and children and creates unhealthy co-dependence instead of self-reliance and cooperation.

Since many parents and teachers believe the only alternative to giving up excessive control and strictness is permissiveness, it is important that we define discipline. Discipline is a word that is often misused. Many people equate discipline with punishment—or at least believe that punishment is the way to help people achieve discipline. However, discipline comes from the Latin word discipulus or disciplini which means a follower of truth, principle, or a venerated leader. Children and students will not become followers of truth and principle unless their motivation comes from an internal locus of control—until they learn self-discipline. Both punishment and reward come from an external locus of control.

If Not Strictness, and Not Permissiveness—Then What?

Positive Discipline is an approach that does not include excessive control or permissiveness. Positive Discipline is based on mutual respect and cooperation and using kindness and firmness at the same time as the foundation for teaching life competencies based on an inner locus of control. We stress the importance of making a connection before correction; and involving children to focus on solutions instead of punishing for mistakes.

When adults use excessive control, it is their responsibility to be constantly in charge of children’s behavior. The most popular form of excessive control used by parents and teachers is a system of rewards and punishment. With this system, adults must catch children being "good" so they can give rewards and catch them being "bad" so they can dole out punishment. Who is being responsible? Obviously it is the adult; so what happens when the adult is not around? Children do not learn to be responsible for their own behavior. They do not learn to do the right thing when no one is looking.

It is interesting to note how often controlling adults complain about irresponsibility in children without realizing they are training children to be irresponsible. Permissiveness also teaches irresponsibility because adults and children both relinquish responsibility.

One of the most important concepts to understand about Positive Discipline is that children are more willing to follow rules that they have helped establish. They become effective decision makers with healthy self-concepts when they learn to be contributing members of a family, a classroom, and of society. These are important long-term effects of the positive approach. They can be summarized in the following:

Five Criteria for Positive Discipline

1. Is kind and firm at the same time. (Respectful and encouraging) 
2. Helps children feel a sense of belonging and significance. (Connection) 
3. Is effective long-term. (Punishment works short term, but has negative long-term results.) 
4. Teaches valuable social and life skills for good character. (Respect, concern for others, problem-solving, accountability, contribution, cooperation) 
5. Invites children to discover how capable they are and to use their personal power in construc- tive ways. 


Punishment does not meet any of these criteria. Every method taught in Positive Discipline does. The first criteria, kindness and firmness at the same time is a cornerstone concept for Positive Discipline.

KINDNESS AND FIRMNESS AT THE SAME TIME

Rudolf Dreikurs taught the importance of being both kind and firm. Kindness is important to show respect for the child. Firmness is important to show respect for ourselves and for the needs of the situation. Authoritarian methods usually lack kindness. Permissive methods lack firmness. Kindness and firmness are essential for positive discipline.

Many parents and teachers struggle with this concept for several reasons. One is that they often don’t feel like being kind when a child has pushed their buttons. Again adults want children to control their behavior when adults don’t control their own behavior? Often, it is the adults who should take some positive time-out until they can feel better so they can do better.

Another reason adults have difficulty being kind and firm at the same time is that they don’t know what kind and firm looks like. They may be stuck in the vicious cycle of being too firm when upset—or because they don’t know what else to do; and then being too kind to make up for being too firm.

Tune in next week to learn more about the Positive Discipline Tool of Kindness and Firmness at the Same Time.

Helpful Hints For Empowering Vs. Enabling

An Excerpt from Positive Discipline for Teenagers
by Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott.

A friend asked me if Positive Discipline was a program to teach parents to manage their children. I said, "No, it is a program to help parents empower their children to manage themselves."

You may be vividly aware of how skilled most of us are in using enabling responses to our children, and how unskilled we are in using empowering responses. Parents who are used to controlling and rescuing may have a difficult time seeing the benefit of empowering statements.

Before we introduce the empowering actions and statements, we’ll go over enabling actions and statements—just in case you aren’t familiar with them. Our definition of enabling is, "Getting between young people and life experiences to minimize the consequences of their choices." Enabling responses include:

1. DOING TOO MUCH FOR THEM: Doing things for kids that they could do for themselves, bailing them out after bawling them out. “I can’t believe you have procrastinated again. What will ever become of you? Okay, I’ll do it this time, but next time you’ll just have to suffer the consequences.”
2. GIVING THEM TOO MUCH: Buying everything they want, cell phones, cars, insurance, clothes you can’t afford, CDs, junk food. “I can’t believe you didn’t do your homework after I bought you a car, a cell phone, clothes I can’t afford, and gave you a big allowance.”
3. BRIBING AND/OR REWARDING: “You can have a new CD, allowance, cell phone, if you do your homework.”
4. OVERPROTECTING:  What to wear, when to wear coats so they won’t get cold as if they are too stupid to know or to learn, picking their friends, extreme fear of danger. “Honey, I’ve got the car warming up in the garage so you won’t be cold.  Did you see the clothes I picked out for you?  I’ll wait till you’re ready to go, cuz I’d like to drive you to school so you won’t catch a cold.” 
5. HOVERING: Doing their laundry, waking them up in the morning, making their lunches, driving them places when they could walk or ride a bike, excusing them from helping the family because they have homework. “I just don’t understand. I excused you from chores, I woke you up early, I drove you everywhere so you would have more time, I made your lunches. How could this be?”
6. LYING FOR THEM:  Excuses to the teacher, writing notes when they just slept in, I won’t tell Dad/Mom. “Okay, I’ll write a note to the teacher that you were sick this morning, but you’ll need to be sure and catch up.”
7. PUNISHING/CONTROLLING: Grounding, taking away privileges, creating your agenda for them. “Well then, you are grounded and you lose all your privileges, no car, no TV, no friends, until it is done.” 
8. WHAT AND HOW LECTURES:  Telling them what happened, what caused it to happen, how they should feel, and what they should do about it. “Well, no wonder. I saw you wasting your time on MySpace and spending too much time texting your friends and sleeping in. You should feel ashamed of yourself. You’d better shape up or you’ll be shipping out to live on the streets like a bum.”
9. HOW, WHAT, AND WHY CAN’T YOU LECTURES: “How many times have I told you to get your homework done early? Why can’t you be more like your brother?” Why can’t you be more responsible? What will become of you?”
10. BLAMING AND SHAMING: “How could you ever do such a thing, how come you always forget and never get your homework done, I can’t believe you would be so lazy.”
11. LIVING IN DENIAL: Thinking your child could never do such a thing--being oblivious to the cultural mores regarding sex and drugs, and believing things are dangerous without educating yourself. “Well, honey. I’m sure you don’t really need to do homework. It is a stupid thing for teachers to expect. You are smart enough to do just fine without it.”
12. RESCUING/FIXING: Buying new things to replace what your child loses, hiring lawyers, staying up late to help with (or doing) last minute homework. “I’ll hurry and do it for you while you get dressed and eat your breakfast. Sorry I won’t be able to fix your bacon, eggs, and waffles. I’m sure you’ll do your homework tomorrow.”

Our definition of empowering is, "Turning control over to young people as soon as possible so they have power over their own lives."  All of the following Empowering Responses are possibilities that can be used in response to neglected homework as well as other challenges you may be experiencing:

1. SHOW FAITH: "I have faith in you. I trust you to figure out what you need. I know that when it's important to you, you'll know what to do."
2. RESPECT PRIVACY: "I respect your privacy and want you to know I'm available if you want to discuss this with me."
3. EXPRESS YOUR LIMITS: "I'm not willing to go to school to bail you out. When your teacher calls, I'll hand the phone to you or tell her she'll need to discuss it with you. "A respectful attitude and tone of voice is essential.
4. LISTEN WITHOUT FIXING OR JUDGING: "I would like to hear what this means for you."
5. CONTROL YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR: "I'm willing to take you to the library when we come to an agreement in advance for a convenient time, but I'm not willing to get involved at the last minute." "If you need my help with your homework, please let me know in advance."
6. DECIDE WHAT YOU WILL DO WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT:  “I’m available to help with homework between 7:00 and 8:00 on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I won’t be available to help with last minute projects.”
7. FOLLOW THROUGH WITH KINDNESS AND FIRMNESS: “I can see you are stressed about waiting until that last minute. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. I’ll be available Tuesdays and Thursdays from 7:00 to 8:00.”
8. LET GO OF THEIR ISSUES: "I hope you'll go to college, but I'm not sure it's important to you."
9. AGREEMENT NOT RULES: "Could we sit down and see if we can work on a plan regarding homework that we both can live with?"
10. LOVE AND ENCOURAGE: "I love you just the way you are and respect you to choose what is right for you."
11. ASK FOR HELP: "I need your help. Can you explain to me why it isn't important to you to do your homework?"
12. SHARE YOUR FEELINGS: Share your truth by using the "I feel ______ because _______  and I wish" process without expecting anyone else to feel the same or grant your wish. This is a great model for children to acknowledge their feelings and wishes without expectations. "I feel upset when you don't do your homework because I value education so much and think it could be very beneficial to you in your life and I really wish you would do it.
13. JOINT PROBLEM SOLVING: "What is your picture of what is going on regarding your homework? Would you be willing to hear my concerns? Could we brainstorm together on some possible solutions?"
14. RESPECTFUL COMMUNICATION: "I'm feeling too upset to talk about this right now. Let's put it on the agenda for the family meeting so we can talk about it when I'm not so emotional."
15. INFORMATION VS. ORDERS: "I notice you spend a lot of time watching television and talking on the phone during the time you have set aside for homework." "I notice you often leave your homework until the last minute and then feel discouraged about getting it done."
16. ENCOURAGE LEARNING FROM MISTAKES: “I can see that you feel bad about getting that poor grade. I have faith in you to learn from this and figure out what you need to do to get the grade you would like.”

If you are used to using short-range solutions of control and rescuing, you might not realize how powerful these empowering statements are.  Empowering statements and actions are important because they turn control over to your kids so they have power over their own lives. This power often leads to mistakes and failure. When you understand and trust that learning from mistakes and failure is an important part of a successful life process, you may find it easier to use the empowering statements.  If what you are currently doing isn’t working, take a leap of faith and work on using empowering statements with your kids.

Decide What You Will Do

A Positive Discipline Tool Card

The Jones family is very excited. They have just finished planning a day at the beach. Seven-year-old Jason and five-year-old Jenny have promised that they won’t fight. Mr. Jones, has warned, “If you do, we’ll turn around and come back.” “We won’t, we won’t,” promise Jason and Jenny again.

The Jones family haven’t gone two miles when a loud wail is heard from the back seat, “Jason hit me.”

Mrs. Jones says, “What did we tell you kids about fighting?”

Jason defends himself, “Well, she touched me.”

Mr. Jones threatens, “You two had better cut it out, or we are going home.”

The children cry out it unison, “Nooooooo! We’ll be good.”

And they are -- for about ten minutes. Then, another wail is heard, “He took my red crayon.”

Jason replies, “Well she was hogging it. It’s my turn.”

Mr. Jones says, “Do you want me to turn around and go home?”

“Nooooooo. We’ll be good.”

And so the story goes. Throughout the day Jason and Jenny fight, and Mr. and Mrs. Jones make threats. At the end of the day, Mr. and Mrs. Jones are angry and threaten never to take the kids anywhere again. Jason and Jenny feel bad that they have made their parents so miserable.  They are beginning to believe they really are bad kids—and they keep living up to their reputation.

Now let’s visit the Smith family. They have just planned their trip to the zoo during their weekly family meeting. Part of the planning included a discussion about limits and solutions.  Mr. and Mrs. Smith have told Susan and Sam how miserable they feel when they fight. The kids promise they won’t. Mr. Smith said, “I appreciate that, and I think we should come up with a plan for what will happen if you forget.” The kids keep insisting they won’t fight. Mr. and Mrs. Smith know their children have good intentions, and they are also very familiar with the pattern of good intentions gone awry. So, they have decided what they will do and they will follow through.

Mrs. Smith says, “Well then, is it okay with you if we stop the car if you do forget? We don’t think it is safe to drive when you are fighting, so we’ll just pull over to the side of the road and wait for you to stop. You can let us know when you are ready for us to drive again. How do you feel about that solution?” Both kids agree with innocent enthusiasm.

Typically, it doesn’t take them long to forget their promise, and a fight begins. Mrs. Smith quickly and quietly pulls off to the side of the road. She and Mr. Smith take out magazines and start reading. Each child starts blaming the other while protesting his or her own innocence. Mr. and Mrs. Jones ignore them and just keep reading. It doesn’t take long for Susan to catch on that Mom and Dad must mean what they said. Susan says, “Okay, we are ready to keep driving.” Mr. Smith says, “We’ll wait until we hear it from both of you.” Sam says, “But, she hit me.”

Mom and Dad just keep reading.  Susan hits Sam, “Tell them you are ready.” Sam cries, “She hit me again.” Mom and Dad just keep reading. Susan realizes that hitting Sam won’t help, so she tries to reason with him. “We’ll have to sit here forever if you don’t say you are ready.” Susan follows her parent’s lead and starts to color. Sam holds out for about three more minutes before saying, “I’m ready for you to start driving.” Mom says, “Thank you very much. I appreciate your cooperation.”

About 30 minutes later another fight starts. Mom starts to pull over to the side of the road. Both kids cry out in unison, “We’ll stop. We’re ready to keep driving.” There was no more fighting for the rest of the day, and the Smiths enjoyed a wonderful day at the zoo.

What is the difference between the Jones family and the Smith family? Are Jason and Jenny really “bad” kids?” No, the difference is that the Smith family is helping their children learn cooperation and problem solving skills while the Jones family is helping their children learn manipulation skills. Mr. and Mrs. Smith demonstrate that they say what they mean and mean what they say by using kind and firm follow through. Mr. and Mrs. Jones don’t. They used angry threats. This had a temporary effect, but the kids would soon be fighting again.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith stopped using words and instead followed through with kind and firm action. It took a little longer for the kids to catch on, but once they did it had a longer lasting effect. Because they are kids, they just had to test the waters one more time. When their parents started to follow through again the kids knew they meant what they said. They were left with the feeling, not that they were bad kids, but that they were clever enough to figure out a solution to the problem and that cooperation was the most effective alternative.

Distract and Redirect

Children under the age of three do not understand “no” in the way most parents think they do. (And a full understanding of “no” doesn’t occur magically when the child turns three. It is a developmental process.) “No” is an abstract concept that is in direct opposition to the developmental need of young children to explore their world and to develop their sense of autonomy and initiative.

Oh, your child may “know” you don’t want her to do something. She may even know she will get an angry reaction from you if she does it. However, she cannot understand why in the way an adult thinks she can. Why else would a child look at you before doing what she “knows” she shouldn’t do, grin, and do it anyway? Knowing things as a toddler means something far different than knowing things as an adult. Her version of knowing lacks the internal controls necessary to halt her roving fingers. Researchers like Jean Piaget discovered long ago that toddlers lack the ability to understand cause and effect (an excellent reason not to try to lecture and argue a toddler into doing what you want—or to use punitive time-out). In fact, "higher order" thinking like understanding consequences and ethics may not develop until children are as old as ten.

The following Piaget demonstration illustrate intellectual development, and helps parents understand why children can’t understand some concepts (such as “no”) as soon as adults think they can.



Find two glasses that are the same size. Then find one glass that is taller and thinner, and one glass that is shorter and fatter. Fill the two glasses that are the same size with water until a three-year-old agrees they are the same. Then, right in front of her, pour the water from one of these glasses into the short, fat glass, and the other one into the tall, thin glass. Then ask her if they are still the same. She will say, “No,” and will tell you which glass she thinks contains the most water. A six-year-old will tell you they contain the same amount and can tell you why.

This demonstration illustrates the thinking abilities identified by Piaget. When we understand that perceiving, interpreting, and comprehending an event are so markedly different for young children, our expectations as adults alter. The meaning children attach to their experiences does not match the meaning adults attach to the same experiences.

Erik Erikson, child development psychiatrist, identified the ages and stages of emotional-social development. Around the age of one, children enter the "me do it" stage. This is when they develop a sense of autonomy vs. doubt and shame. The ages of two through six herald the development of a sense of initiative vs. guilt. It is a child's developmental job to explore and experiment. Can you imagine how confusing it is to a child to be punished for what he is developmentally programmed to do? He is faced with a real dilemma (at a subconscious level): “Do I obey my parents, or do I follow my biological drive to develop autonomy and initiative by exploring and experimenting in my world?”

These stages of development do not mean children should be allowed to do anything they want. It does explain why all methods to gain cooperation should be kind and firm at the same time instead of controlling and/or punitive. This is a time of life when your child’s personality is being formed, and you want your child to make decisions about him or herself that say, “I am capable. I can try, make mistakes, and learn. I am loved. I am a good person.” If you are tempted to help your child learn by guilt, shame, or punishment, you will be creating discouraging beliefs (a sense of guilt and shame) that are difficult to reverse in adulthood.

The three most important discipline tools to use with children under the age of four is supervision, distraction, and redirection. Showing them what to do instead of what not to do (showing them how to touch nicely instead of saying, “Don’t hit.” During the first years of life, your job is to keep your child safe without letting your fears discourage her. For this reason, supervision is an important parenting tool, along with kindness and firmness while redirecting or teaching your child.

Parents almost always cite the danger of a child running into the street as a justification for spanking a toddler. Reasons include the life and death nature of the situation, the need for immediate compliance, and the effectiveness of a spanking for getting a child’s attention. The thing they forget is that to a toddler, an angry, shouting, spanking parent is probably far more frightening than any street.

I always ask these parents, “After you have spanked your child to teach her to stay out of the street, will you now allow her to play in front of a busy street unsupervised?”

The answer is always, “No.”

They know, spanking or no spanking, that they can’t expect her to have the maturity and judgment to have that responsibility.

Distraction and redirection works well with toddlers. Fifteen-month-old Daniel was toddling toward his Dad’s computer. Dad called his name and Daniel looked at him, grinned, and toddled so fast in the direction of the computer that he almost fell. Dad picked him up, gave him a big hug, and took him over to his blocks.

What if Daniel keeps returning to the forbidden computer? How many times must a parent distract or redirect a child’s attention? Well, as many times as it takes. As we’ve mentioned before, it takes patience and perseverance to train a young child. If Daniel’s dad slapped his hand or spanked him, would he still want to play with the computer? Probably so. And even if spankings stop the behavior, what is the cost in self-esteem, doubt and shame? What are the lessons about violence? Kindly but firmly directing Daniel toward acceptable objects, and continuing to do so until he gets the message, guides his behavior without punishing or shaming, and without inviting a battle of wills.

Toddlers are experiencing individuation, learning to see themselves as separate, independent beings. It’s a natural and healthy process, but one that is frequently trying for parents. At one level it doesn’t take long for a young child to learn the power of the word “no,” or that by using it he can provoke all sorts of interesting reactions. Adults can’t always avoid these confrontations, but changing your own behavior and expectations can lessen their impact.

Control or Cooperation

Are you trying to gain control over children or with children? Trying to gain control over children is hard. It takes constant effort. You have to be very vigilant to police the action of children so you can implement your control tactics—usually punishment and rewards. You have to catch children being “good” so you can reward them and catch them being “bad” so you can mete out the punishment. It never ends—and what happens when you are not around? If you are very good at being in control over children what have they learned? Have they learned self-discipline, respect for self and others, responsibility, problem-solving skills, cooperation?

Trying to gain control over children is disrespectful and greatly decreases your chances of winning cooperation. Disrespectful methods invite distance and hostility, rebellion, revenge, sneakiness to avoid getting caught, or, worst of all, a child’s developing belief that, “I am a bad person.” On the other hand, respectful methods invite closeness, trust, and cooperation.

Winning Cooperation

Rudolf Dreikurs taught the importance of “winning children over”, instead of “winning over children.” One of my favorite terms is “connection before correction.” The best way to make a connection and win children over is to be respectful. One of the best ways to be respectful is to “get into the child’s world” and express understanding of the child’s feelings. Showing empathy is not the same as condoning. A really nice touch is sharing a time when you might have felt the same. These are the steps to create the connection to increase the chances that you can work for correction because children are likely to listen to you AFTER they feel listened to.

Correction Does Not Involve Punishment

In can be so difficult for parents and teachers to think they are not doing their job if they don’t engage in a lecture or some kind of consequence (usually a poorly disguised punishment). This will take you right back to the consequences (resistance and/or rebellion) you will experience by trying to gain control over instead of with your children. What do children learn when they are respectfully involved in finding a solution that works for everyone? Thinking skills, problem-solving skills, respect for self-and others, self-discipline, responsibility, listing skills, motivation for following the solution they have helped create. The list could go on and on. And, what better way to achieve control with, and to win cooperation. Once you have achieved a connection you have created an atmosphere where you can focus on a solution together. You have won cooperation.

Don’t Back Talk Back

A Positive Discipline Tool Card

Mrs. Henderson told her son, Jon, for the third time that evening, “You had better do your homework before it gets too late.

Jon shot back, “If it is so important to you, why don’t you do it!”

Mrs. Henderson was shocked. After all, she was only trying to help. She reacted by saying, “Don’t talk to me that way, young man. I’m your mother.”

Jon reacted right back, “Well, don’t talk to me that way. I’m your son.”

At this point Mrs. Henderson stepped in and shouted; “Go to your room right now. You are grounded until you can learn to be respectful.”

Jon shouted back, “Fine,” as he stomped off to his room and slammed the door.

What creates a scene like this? Was Mom modeling respect as she shouted at her son to be respectful? No. Was Jon being disrespectful to his mother? Yes. Was Mom being disrespectful to Jon? Yes. Let me count the ways.

1. She nagged.
2. She took control and gave orders (no matter how pleasantly).
3. She robbed Jon of learning responsibility by taking over the responsibility of his homework.
4. She didn’t invite Jon to figure out what he wanted and how to get it.
5. She is not willing to allow him to experience the consequences of his choices—and to learn from them.

Why is it that parents think it is their job to see that homework gets done? Oh, I can hear your objections already: “We can’t just let him fail.” Of course parents don’t want their children to fail. All the more reason to teach children self-discipline, self-control, goal setting, and problem-solving skills instead of trying to control them. All the more reason to communicate WITH children instead of TO them, FOR them, or AT them. How to accomplish respectful communication and help children develop a sense of capability and self-discipline is the focus of Positive Discipline.

For now let's discuss “backtalk” and how to stop “back talking back.” The following suggestions are from the book Positive Discipline A-Z by Jane Nelsen, Lynn Lott, and H. Stephen Glenn.

Suggestions

1. In a calm, respectful voice, tell your child, “If I have ever spoken to you that way, I apologize. I don’t want to hurt you or be hurt by you. Can we start over?”
2. Count to ten or take some other form of positive time-out so you don’t “backtalk” in reaction. Avoid comebacks such as, “You can’t talk to me that way young lady.”
3. Use the “back talk” as information (it could tell you that something is amiss) and deal with it after you have both calmed down. Look for places you have been turning issues into power struggles with your child.  
4. Instead of focusing on the disrespect, focus on the feelings. Say something like, “You are obviously very upset right now. I know it upsets me when you talk that way. Let’s both take some time out to calm down. We can talk later when we feel better. I’d like to hear what you are upset about.
5. Do not use punishment to “get control.” When you have both calmed down you can work on a respectful solution that works for both of you..
6. Share your feelings, “I feel very hurt when you talk to me that way. Later I want to talk to you about another way you could tell me what you want or how you feel.”  Or you could say, “Whoa, I wonder if I did something to hurt your feelings, because that certainly hurt mine.”
7. If you are not too upset, try hugging your child. Sometimes children are not ready to accept a hug at this time. Other times a hug changes the atmosphere for both of you to one of love and respect.

Planning Ahead to Prevent Future Problems

1. Be willing to take a look at how you might be teaching the very thing you abhor in your child by being disrespectful to her. Have you created an atmosphere of power struggles by being too controlling or too permissive? 
2. Make sure you do not “set your child up” by making disrespectful demands. Instead of giving orders, create routines together during family meetings.
3. Instead of saying, “Pick up your shoes,” ask, “What about your shoes?” You will be surprised how much more inviting it is to ask than to tell.
4. Once you have both calmed down, let her know you love her and would like to work on a respectful solution to what happened. Take responsibility for your part and work on a solution together.
5. Apologize if you have been disrespectful. “I can see that I was disrespectful when I demanded that you pick up your shoes. How can I ask you to be respectful when I’m not?” Let her know that you can’t “make” her be respectful, but that you will work on being respectful yourself.
6. Have regular family meetings so family members learn respectful ways of communicating and focusing on solutions.

Life Skills Children can Learn

Children can learn that their parents are willing to take responsibility for their part in an interaction. They can learn that back talk isn’t effective, but that they will have another chance to work on respectful communication.