Positive Discipline in London, England

Jane Nelsen Visits The American School in London

by Joy Marchese

What an exciting week it has been at the American School in London.  Dr. Jane Nelsen and Teresa LaSala, Certified PD Lead Trainer, worked with parents, counselors, and teachers from all over the world, including Cairo, Hungry, Denmark, France, Austria, and the United Kingdom.

Parent workshops focused on Developing Capable Young People, Positive Discipline for Teens, and a two-day Positive Discipline in the Classroom Training for educators.  Due to Positive Discipline’s experiential teaching style, participants shared that they walked away with useful and practical tools that they will apply in their homes and in their schools beginning today.

It was an empowering experience for all and we are grateful to have welcomed Jane into the greater European community.  Jane will continued her tour of the United Kingdom by visiting the prestigious Harrow School in Middlesex, UK.

Testimonials from teachers and parents:

“The Positive Discipline in the Classroom workshop delivered a whole weekend of paradigm pushing!   A lively set of well-designed, experiential activities challenged participants to think deeply about behavioural issues in the whole-school and classroom.  The co-leaders of the course, Jane Nelsen and Theresa LaSalla, worked tirelessly to stimulate discussion and reflection about the values underpinning our educational programmes and they provided pathways for us to remodel our ideas on how best to meet the needs of our learners.  Sessions exploring the nature of encouragement, the goals of misbehaviour and the balance between kindness and firmness should become mandatory training for all who work in education.  The weekend was exceptional and ranks among the best personal and professional development courses I have ever attended.”

Sean Spurvey
Head of ICT
Westminster Under School
London

“My moment of enlightenment came when Jane Nelsen shared in her book Positive Discipline, “ Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse”. I went over to hug Jane good-bye after her second talk at the American School in London. As I said thank you and mentioned that I wished I had come across her book earlier, tears filled my eyes mainly from regret of not having used her positive disciplining techniques with my children when they were younger. She comforted me and said, “It’s not about the guilt, it’s about applying the tools now and moving forward”. I have started using her invaluable tools to improve my parenting techniques in the hopes of becoming a better parent and a better person.  Thank you Jane. ”

Ariadne Petrucelli
The American School in London
Executive Coach and Parent

“While attending the PD in the classroom training in London, I was uniting and collaborating with adults that were willing and eager to approach things differently and positively.  I appreciated the experiential approaches, collaborating, brainstorming, and networking to start to change the ways in which we work with students and children in a variety of settings.  I now feel that our team has several "nuggets" to take back and implement in our school and share with other educators and adults.”

Amy Friedman
Copenhagen International School
Middle School Counselor

“Every day I write an appreciation about something in my life.  I could have written fifty appreciations based on this workshop, instead of the two I was kept to.  I loved the experiential aspect, as I tend to learn by doing after listening.  Not only where they fun (due to Jane and Teresa) but they were also powerful and moving.  I'm already running Positive Discipline for Parents classes with the parents of our school's Middle School and High School students, but now I'm excited about using this with teachers and administration.  I think that several activities will be particularly helpful as we explore how to best help teenagers having difficulty in our Student Services Team meetings.  I wish all teachers could have this training before they head into the classroom!”

Liane Thakur
The American School in London
High School Counselor

THE ART OF ACTIVE LISTENING

Active (or reflective) listening is another effective tool of communication, one that will serve you well as you parent your child and (sooner than you may think) the adolescent that child will become. Active listening is the art of observing and listening to feelings, then reflecting them back. Active listening does not require that you agree with your child’s feelings, but it allows your child to feel connected and understood— something all people need—and provides an opportunity to explore and clarify those mysterious impulses known as emotions.

Four‐year‐old Chrissy ran through the front door, slamming it so forcefully that the pictures rattled on the wall, and promptly burst into tears. “Tammy took my ball,” she wailed. “I hate her!” Then Chrissy threw herself onto the sofa in a storm of sobs.

Her mom, Diane, looked up from the bills she was paying. Resisting the impulse to scold Chrissy for slamming the door, she said quietly, “You seem pretty angry, kiddo.”

Chrissy pondered for a moment. “Mom,” she said plaintively, sniffling a little, “Tammy is bigger than me. It isn’t fair for her to take away my stuff.”

″It must be pretty frustrating to be picked on by a big girl,” Diane said, still focusing on reflecting her daughter’s feelings. “Yeah. I’m mad,” the little girl said firmly. “I don’t want to play with her anymore.” She sat quietly for a moment, watching as Diane put stamps on envelopes. “Mom, can I go play out in the backyard?” Diane gave her daughter a hug—and a great deal more.

By simply reflecting back her daughter’s underlying feelings (active listening), Diane refrained from lecturing, rescuing, or discounting her daughter’s feelings. She allowed Chrissy the opportunity to explore what was going on for her, and in the process, Chrissy discovered a solution to her own problem. Some other time, Diane might be able to talk with Chrissy about avoiding future problems—and perhaps ask her what she could do to express her anger instead of slam the door.

Diane also showed respect for her daughter’s feelings. Parents often do not agree with (or completely understand) their children’s emotions, but active listening does not require you to agree or completely understand. It invites children to feel heard and lets them know it’s okay to feel whatever they feel. Validating a child’s feelings with love and understanding opens the door for real connection and problem solving and works toward building a lifelong relationship of love and trust.

Pretend these statements are made by a child. How would you respond?

″No! I won’t take a nap!”
″I want a bottle like the baby has.”
″I hate going to the doctor.”
″Nobody will let me play with them.”

Some parents try to argue a child out of her feelings in hopes of changing her mind or helping her feel better. These attempts may sound like this:

″Of course you need your nap—you’ve been up since six. When will you learn that you need to rest?”
″Don’t be silly. Only babies use bottles. You’re a big boy now.”
″I keep telling you, you have to go to the doctor to feel better.”
″Why sweetie, you know you have lots of friends. What about . . .”

Each of these examples may leave the child feeling misunderstood and defensive—with the likely result of an argument and frustration for both of you. Active listening might sound like this:

″You look disappointed that you have to stop playing with your toys. You were having a lot of fun.”
″Sounds like you’re feeling left out in all the fuss over your new baby sister. Is there more you can tell me?”
″Sometimes I feel a little afraid of going to the doctor, too.”
″You seem pretty sad about being ignored by the older kids.”

These responses make no judgments and open the door for children to go further in exploring their feelings. Asking “Is there more?” indicates a willingness to listen and may help a child discover deeper, buried feelings.

Like most adults, sometimes all children really need is for someone to listen and understand. Active listening will help your child learn about his own feelings (and appropriate ways to express them) and will help you focus on what’s really important.

Have Faith in Your Children

Have you every wondered why it is a good idea to have faith in your children? How else will they learn to have faith in themselves? Of course it is important to show your faith with actions. The foundation actions to show faith in your children are avoidance actions such as avoiding over-parenting, rescuing, fixing, reminding (lecturing).

Too often parents tell their children to be responsible, but then don’t allow them opportunities to be responsible. I think it was Dreikurs who said, “The best way to teach children to be responsible is for parents to be consciously irresponsible.” In other words (and I know Dreikurs said this), “Don’t do things for children that they can do for themselves.”

If you have been taking responsibility for things your children could be responsible for (rescuing, fixing, taking their lunch to school when they forget), be prepared for objections. If you have been a “willing slave” to your children, don’t be surprised if they have a tantrum when you stop—even when you let them know in advance that you have been making a mistake by not having faith in them to handle many of their challenges.

There is nothing better than a real success story to teach the value of this Positive Discipline tool. After talking with Leslie about the value of allowing children to suffer when you stop rescuing (much different from making them suffer), and having faith in them to work through their suffering to feel more capable, she shared the following story:

I’m sure you hear this all the time; parents who say, “I tried what you suggested and it worked!” but I still feel compelled to share this.

A few hours after you and I talked, my 15-year-old son called, sounding desperate, saying, “Mom, please come pick me up at school! I have so much homework!”

I couldn’t anyway since I don’t drive to work, but calmly said, “Hmmm, that’s too bad.”
“But Mom. You don’t understand. I need a ride.”

And I said, “I can’t, but I have faith in you. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

Right afterwards, I called my husband (who is now working at home starting a new business and who has been complaining that he always “has” to pick up our son because he feels so guilty with such daily pleas, but it interrupts his work) to expect a call any second but to stand firm and allow our son to get home on his own.

The best part? That night my son told me he and his friend took the city bus home together and had the “best” time, stopping to buy candy and laughing all the way home.

Really, if you’re not too busy, could you come live with my family and me?

BTW: Thought it worth mentioning, he also got his homework done.

This was such a great example of having faith in your children. I think it is worth mentioning a few other suggestions I shared with Leslie about allowing children to suffer.

1. Express empathy. (Once is enough.)
2. Avoid lectures.
3. Do not rescue or fix.
4. Let them know you have faith in them to work it out.
5. When they get upset and/or annoyed that their pleas for special service aren’t working, let them have their feelings. Have faith in them to work through it.
6. If they can’t find a solution, invite them to put the problem on the family meeting agenda where they can get help brainstorming for solutions.

You may not always experience the happy ending shared in Leslie’s example. That is not the point. The point is that your children will develop life skills and a sense of capability in an atmosphere of loving support that does not include “bawling them out” (lectures), and then “bailing them out” (fixing an rescuing). Have faith in your children.

Meanwhile keep having regular family meetings so your children learn and practice the skills of giving and receiving compliments and focusing on solutions that are respectful to everyone. Regular family meetings provide your children with many skills to have faith in themselves.

Positive Discipline in France

I just have to share this email from Béatrice Sabate, A Certified Positive Discipline Trainer in France. I loved watching the video even though I don't understand French.

Hi everyone,

A few good news to share with all of you!
Last Wednesday, we got a 4mn during the evening news (prime time) on
national television :



In the video above, you will be able to see the 4mn including
Nadine's family talking about a few PD tools they are using at home
(all beautiful and natural and so PD!); and parents during a session
talking about what PD has brought to their life...very touching! It's
only 4 minutes when the shooting lasted 9 hours total but ... great
memories, wonderful sharing and a real sense of belonging for all the
participants!

The Positive Discipline book is now published in French, there are articles in the media such as ELLE magazine; Parents magazine; psychology magazine ... the sky will be the limit. The first Positive Discipine in the Classroom Workshop will happen at the end of February and we will have our second Teaching Parenting Workshop in January. A lot of seven week parenting classes are now running. We are all focused on spreading the Positive Discipline news in this lovely country who really is in need! It's a start but it's happening. A few French educators will go to the PDC in London in order to meet Jane and see Teresa again (as she already met them in Paris). We also have a facebook page : association discipline positive france. Check out our page!

It is amazing for all of us to be part of the Positive Discipline adventure. We are so grateful to all of you and your unconditional support.
As far as I am concerned I am also deeply thankful remembering the
day, 15 years ago, when I accidentally found Jane's book on a shelve
in an office where I was providing play therapy to kids ...
Warm hugs to all.

Béatrice

Fostering an Attitude of Gratitude Through Family Meetings

An attitude of gratitude does not come naturally. It must be learned. Regular practice and sharing will help all family members develop an attitude of gratitude.

Family Meeting Gratitude Activity: (from the Family Meeting Album)

1. At the end of each family meeting, pass out a blank "Gratitude Page." Encourage family members to put the page in a place where they can access it easily and write down the things for which they are grateful.

2. Allow time during family meetings (or meals) for people to share the things for which they are grateful.

3. During each family meeting, collect the Gratitude Pages, and place them in the family meeting binder.

Pay Attention and Wheel of Choice Adaptation

The "Pay Attention" tool card says "Put down whatever you are doing and focus on your child as though he or she is more important than anything else you could do." But what about those times when there really is something that needs your full attention at that moment. The following story from Elly Zhen, a Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator in China, is a great example of teaching children that they can find creative ways to occupy their time when mom or dad is busy.

I needed to take my 4-year-old daughter, Serenity, with me to my Postive Discipline parenting class in the morning. There was not a babysitter available. That means she would need to play by herself for three hours. I asked her: "Three hours? Do you think you will be bored?" She nods her head.

"So what can you do when you are bored?"

"I can play with that!" — she pointed to her Dora game.

"Great! Let's write all the ideas down." I'll get a piece of paper. We have done this before -- a revised version of "The Wheel of Choice" -- The Cards of Choices.

She came up with 8 ideas of what she could do in the 3 hours, eg. listening to music with earphone, drawing, playing with her animal toys, learning piano, laying on the couch, sitting with mommy just watching, playing with Dora game, and eating sunflower seeds!

In the morning, with those eight "Cards of Choices", Serenity played by herself for two hours in my class. [Comment from Jane: This is a long time for a 4-year-old.]

She started feeling "bored" when there was about one hour left, "because mommy didn't play with me." I point to the clock on the wall: "When the long arm goes to 12, I will play with you."

After 30 minutes, she comes to me again. I ask if she would like to sit on my lap or on the chair next to me. I can feel all the student moms are looking at me, a bit intense. I keep being calm.

She sits on my lap, but only for one minute. She starts sobbing and covering my mouth with her hand. I ask the moms if we should continue or if I should take care of her first? They all choose the latter.

I hold her tight, put her head on my chest, kissing her, telling her: "I know you are bored and sad, because it's been a long time, and mommy is still not playing with you. You wish I could stop the class right now, and play with you." She nodded her head.

"I can play rock paper scissors game with you, two or three times?"

"Five times!"

"Hmmmm, how about not three, not five, but four times!"

"Ok."

"After the game, do you have any good ideas so you won't feel bored and mommy could continue the class?"

She said: "I can go out play the Dora game without earphone."

"Would you like to play the rock paper game before going out or after the class is over?"

"After the class is over."

Then she did!

There is no better role-play" than a real life experience in class.

Although Serenity was still down and sad even when we are on the way back home, she did not cry or throw a tantrum. She kept silent in the car, and shook her head when being asked if she would like to talk. I told her: "I love you, no matter what. Take your time."

When we got back home, she returned all fine. We played the game eventually and had a lot of laughs!

Bullying on the Bus

Last week I was interviewed by a Los Angeles Times reporter regarding the YouTube video of the bullying of a 68-year-old grandma and bus monitor by four middle school boys. I recommended that the boys should not be punished in traditional ways (bullying by adults) and have since been bullied by many readers of the Times article.

I have been called an idiot, a quack, a sociopath, pathetic, a loser, a libtard, spouting crap, hogwash, nuts, this womans horses$%t, the fool "expert," a joke, etc. And we wonder where kids learn about bullying.

(Hey guys, I’m a 75-year-old grandma with 7 children and 21 grandchildren who love me. )

These readers are ready to crucify me and they haven’t asked one question about how much of the article was a true depiction of what I said in the interview. The reporter didn’t even spell my name correctly.

Actually, I thought that much of the article was excellent—and, much of what I said was left out.

The reporter didn't include what I said about brain research and the importance of connecting before correcting, so kids can learn from their mistakes.  Punishment (which is very different from discipline) simply increases power struggles and revenge cycles (as in wars), or blind obedience out of fear. One purpose of Positive Discipline is to help kids learn to do what is right when no one is looking.

She didn't focus on all the things I said about helping kids explore the consequences of their choices and then focusing on solutions (and making amends). Helping children explore the consequences of their choices is much different from imposing consequences (punishment) on them. When kids explore the consequences of the their choices (in a non-threatening atmosphere) they are often led to true remorse and a desire to make sincere amends—not forced and false apologies.

She didn't mention the importance of creating an atmosphere where all kids feel a sense of belonging and significance and then teaching kids about respect and problem-solving skills in regular class meetings and family meetings.

Most readers of the article assumed that Positive Discipline advocates that nothing would be done to the boys who were involved in the bullying. This is partially true. I don’t think anything should be done “to” the boys, but I think a lot should be done with the boys. This would be an excellent time for curiosity questions with the boys:

• What happened?
• What do you think caused that to happen?
• What were the results of what happened?
• How did it affect others?
• How did it affect you?
• What did you learn from this experience?
• How can you use what you learned to make amends?

Another possibility would be to invite the boys to create a program that would help other kids learn from their experience. They could be invited to show the video to kids in other classrooms and/or assemblies and share what they learned from the curiosity questions and invited discussion from other kids on how to avoid their mistake. Note I said, “invited,” not forced. Sharing their experience would be most effective if they had the support of adults who would understand (and help them understand) that it would take a lot of courage to use their mistake to help others.

Some people have assumed that the apologies made by the boys were forced and not sincere. I don’t know for sure, but I believe they got caught up in mob mentality and were mortified when they saw what they had done. Positive Discipline teaches that mistakes are opportunities to learn. In this case, the mistake could be an opportunity to learn—and to help others learn.

It is my wish that adults would remember that kids learn what they live, and that we need to look at the bullying model we provide for kids when we bully kids.  As Haim G. Ginot said:

• When a child hits a child, we call it aggression.
• When a child hits an adult, we call it hostility. 
• When an adult hits an adult, we call it assault.
• When an adult hits a child, we call it discipline.