Encouragement

Many of you know that we have a Positive Discipline Social Network where members encourage and support each other in the practical application of Positive Discipline. Recently someone posted a discussion about a friend who is feeling discouraged about a son who keeps getting into trouble at a school that uses the colored card system. Every time he “misbehaves,” he gets a colored card and his parents are expected to punish him at home.

I had to respond to this discussion because I have a close friend who is going through the same thing. Of course you might guess my opinion of the color cards—a very dysfunctional system. Then teachers encourage parents to be dysfunctional at home—adding more punishment. Before I continue, I will say that there are many good things at my friend’s child’s school—including the teacher. The school and this teacher simply believe in Behaviorism—that punishment and rewards are the best way to motivate “good” behavior—very different from the Adlerian Psychology base of Positive Discipline. So, I will share with you the advice I have given to my friend.

Don't add punishment at home. Keep encouraging him to focus on solutions. My friends concern was that his solution was to be sent to his room for 5 minutes and she didn't think that was severe enough.

At this point I have to digress and editorialize. It is so interesting to me that parents and teachers are willing to keep doing a punishment over and over, even if it doesn't work, but stop doing a Positive Discipline tool after one or two tries because it doesn't seem to work--right away.

I told my friend to take his suggestion and send him to his room for 5 minutes (very different from punishment when it is his idea). When he comes out avoid discouraging lectures. Use encouragement.  Just say, "I hope this works." If it doesn't work—which it won't because he is only a kindergartner and gets colored cards for things like talking (socializing with his friends)—which is developmentally appropriate for a Kindergarten child to do. (Arrrgggghhh!).

Celebrate every time he gets a colored card. This provides another opportunity for him to practice working on solutions. Every time he does, be encouraging and simply say, "Cool. I hope this works."  No reprimands when it doesn't—just anther opportunity to practice problem solving—over and over and over.

Now lets time travel five years from now. Make some guesses about what a child might be thinking, feeling, and deciding about himself after many opportunities and encouragement to experiment with solutions when he gets into trouble. Then make some guesses about what that same child might be thinking, feeling, and deciding after experiencing punishment at school and at home every time he gets into trouble.

It is very important to consider the long-term results of what we do. Lately I have been using the analogy of what it takes for a child to learn to talk—years of example—first to say a word, then more listening to examples and encouragement to learn sentences, and more years to keep developing and perfecting language. Why do we expect immediate results for other kinds of learning. Why do we expect social (behavior) learning to be immediate? And, how well would children learn to talk if they were humiliated and punished every time they got it wrong.

Children learn what they live. If we want our children to grow up learning to be kind and firm and respectful, we better make sure that is what they live. Remember that encouragement is the foundation of Positive Discipline. As Rudolf Dreikurs said, over and over, "A child needs encouragement like a plant needs water. It is essential to healthy growth and development.

Listen to the excerpt below which beautiful illustrates how encouragement can work much better than punishment. The following is an excerpt from the Building Self-Esteem Through Positive Discipline MP3.

The Discouraged Child

Positive Discipline Success Story - "I Need Your Help"

The following is a success story that was shared on our Positive Discipline Social Network.

So, my 2 year old (25.5 months old) has been giving me such a rough time with diaper changes.  She has always been wiggly, even as a baby, and we do cloth diapers so it takes that much longer to get them on her... Lately it has been awful, where she ends up running around naked for 30 min or more after bath time because I just canNOT capture her long enough to get her diaper and/or jammies on.  (And we have tried potty training, but she is just not ready)

I read in one of the positive discipline resources (can't remember which book or if it was on the internet) the technique of saying "I need your help" instead of trying to MAKE her do it... I was skeptical but tonight was a REALLY rough night, she was overtired and after bath she was just crying and would not hold still.  I tried putting her on the diaper, I tried distracting her with a balloon, I tried giving her a book to read... she ran off and climbed up on the couch.  So, figuring I had nothing to lose, I took a deep breath and said, "Leni, mommy needs your help!" (she looked at me skeptically)  "You need to wear your jammies, but I can't put them on unless you help me.  Can you show me where your arm goes?" (she looked curious but I wasn't sure if she was going to go for it)  "Does your arm go in here?" (I held up the sleeve and she reached her arm out and smiled).  Then I asked her to show me how to put a diaper on and I slid the diaper under her, and she laid still and said "snap" when I snapped it on her... then I put one leg in her jammies, and she put the other leg in herself and said "ZIP!" and I zipped them up!  By that time she had a big grin on her face!

I just had to share because I was SO amazed it actually worked!

Positive Discipline Parenting Classes

We have many Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educators teaching parenting classes around the world. Still we have parents who cannot find a parenting class. Below are some options:


1)  Check our upcoming parenting class page.

2)  You might like to get a few friends and go through the Positive Discipline Workbook together. There is an outline at the beginning of each workbook lesson that can be used as a guideline. You could each get a copy of the Positive Discipline book and follow along.  The Positive Discipline Tool Cards are a great supplement.

3) You might like to take the Training for Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way to become a Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator so you can teach classes in your area.  Dates and locations of live two-day workshops are available at www.positivediscipline.org

Finally, you may want to sign up for my online parenting class.   The six-session online course includes Positive Discipline video lessons that will teach you the most important, family-changing skills from the Positive Discipline books and live classes.

Friends, Exclusion, and Name Calling - A Positive Discipline Approach

The dilemma—what to do when your child is being excluded by “friends” —or subjected to name-calling and put-downs. If you interfere are you being over protective and just making things worse for your child? If you don’t interfere, are you allowing your child to be subjected to experiences that could be traumatizing for life?

Alison Wishard Guerra shared the following response on the Positive Discipline Social Network where she points out that it is not whether or not you should interfere—but how.

We have had this issue with the girls on our street and our daughter who is at least 6 months younger than the youngest (ages 3.5, 4, 5, and 6). Girls can be very savvy when it comes to excluding and social power! Rather than intervening at the moment we started having a chat with all the kids every time they were together and going to play, reviewing what the rules are.

Above all else, the primary rules of interaction are to respect one another and to be kind and courteous. We discuss whether excluding people is being respectful and whether calling someone "bad" is respectful or kind.  They are old enough to help generate the rules and determine which behaviors are respectful, kind, and courteous. They can also participate in generating solutions for what to do when some one is not being respectful, kind, and courteous.

We encourage children to first tell the other child that they don't like to be called names, or trying to enforce the rule themselves. Otherwise, if they can't follow the rules or work it out, the play date is over. 

After having this discussion just a few times when we first get together they learned to interact much better and felt empowered by having come up with such good ideas on how to get along. We have only had to end the play date once in a one-on-one play-date with one of the older girls in the neighborhood. It sends the message very quickly if you follow through with what you say you will do rather than continue to give warnings.

Bring them in to the problem solving conversation BEFORE they begin playing and giving them the opportunity to generate solutions, demonstrate positive behavior, and have some autonomy in their social interactions.

When I asked Alison if I could share her response she responded:

Yes of course. I might add that we got the idea from reading your books and listening to one of your lectures. This is also the approach they take in our daughter's Montessori preschool, so she is used to it. The other kids who go to traditional schools are more accustomed to not having adults mind if they aren't respectful, or giving continual warnings without any real response.


One other comment is that we would have these conversations while the other parents were around, but not purposefully including them. This also clued them in a bit more that there are other ways of handling these situations and that it is ok and appropriate to expect children to understand how to be respectful and kind. I noticed a slight change in the parents' responses to the children as well, where they agreed that if the children could not work it out then the play date would be over. So we all learned here, children and adults.

Thanks for providing the guidance to us parents!

Alison

I want to thank Alison for being one of those parents who “gets” the spirit and the principles of the Positive Discipline (instead of just techniques) and is so generous in sharing her understanding with others seeking help.

A Heartwarming Positive Discipline Success Story

This heartwarming story was shared by Certified Positive Discipline Associate Terese Bradshaw who is also the Directress and Founder of Montessori for Toddlers.

Well little lady, I just dropped you off at your last day of your first preschool. It was a very special place to me, and a special place for you too. When mommy was nervous about dropping you off, there was Ms. Mary and Ms. Terese's warmth to greet you, which helped both of us. It didn't take you long to see that this was a safe place to learn about so many things. And I think of it as a place where I learned so much too. With Ms. Mary and Ms. Terese by our side for two years, we learned about more things than I could write down. This morning when you washed your berries without help and said you were proud of yourself, well, it made me think of them. And when you noticed that the yolk of the fried egg I made you this morning didn't break and you asked if I was proud, I was, and I again thought of them. Mama spent many nights in your same classroom learning lessons from Ms. Terese about things that have made me feel like a better Mama, and that is something I will never, ever forget. She gave me the gift of feeling like I had good ideas about how and what to teach you as a mommy. She taught us about taking time-outs for ourselves to cool off when we got frustrated, and how much it helps when we know what we are feeling. And one of my favorite things that they taught us is how capable we are. There are so many nice things that Ms. Terese and Ms. Mary showed us these last two years and I know we will carry them in our hearts forever, wherever we are. Just like Pooh Bear carries Christopher Robin in his heart, even when they're apart.

Spending Special Time With Your Teenager

When your child becomes a teenager, it is not uncommon for them to become defiant. They will often contradict you and even try to sabotage your best efforts to create a harmonious family life. This can be very discouraging to parents and usually results in constant power struggles.

Positive Discipline has a great tool called "Special Time" which can work wonders to create a connection with your teenager and solve a lot of the power struggles in your home.

Listen to the following podcast as Dr. Jane Nelsen interviews a single dad who used special time with his teenage son to help reduce their power struggles and improve their relationship.

Special Time Podcast

I love you, AND the answer is, “No.”

Rudolf Dreikurs taught the importance of being both kind and firm in our relations with children. Kindness is important in order to show respect for the child. Firmness is important in order to show respect for ourselves and for the needs of the situation. Authoritarian methods usually lack kindness. Permissive methods lack firmness. Kindness and firmness are essential for Positive Discipline.

Many parents and teachers struggle with this concept for many reasons. One is that they often don't feel like being kind when a child has "pushed their buttons." Again I want to ask, "If adults want children to control their behavior, is it too much to ask that adults learn to control their own behavior?" Often, it is the adults who should take some Positive Time-out until they can "feel" better so they can "do" better.

Another reason adults have difficulty being kind and firm at the same time is that they don't know what kind and firm look like. They may be stuck in the vicious cycle of being too firm when upset–or because they don't know what else to do; and then being too kind to make up for being too firm.

One of the biggest mistakes some parents and teachers make when they decide to do Positive Discipline is becoming too permissive because they don't want to be punitive. Some mistakenly believe they are being kind when they please their children, or when they rescue them and protect them from all disappointment. This is not being kind; it is being permissive. Being kind means to be respectful of the child and of yourself. It is not respectful to pamper children. It is not respectful to rescue them from every disappointment so they don't have the opportunity to develop their "disappointment muscles." It is respectful to validate their feelings, "I can see that you are disappointed (or angry, or upset, etc.)." Then it is respectful to have faith in children that they can survive disappointment and develop a sense of capability in the process.

A wonderful way to apply this principle of Kindness and Firmness is to use the phrase “I love you, and the answer is ‘no.’” Listen to the following podcast as Mary Nelsen Tamborksi (Jane Nelsen’s youngest daughter) tells a delightful story about being at her wits end before remembering this Positive Discipline tool.

Click the "Play" button to listen the podcast or subscribe on iTunes.