A Passion For Positive Discipline

Many people who experience the benefits of Positive Discipline get excited and want to share it with others. It warmed my heart to read the following letter from a very enthusiastic new Certified Positive Discipline Trainer Candidate. I asked Cynthia for her permission to share it in my blog.

LETTER OF INTENT:

I am so excited to finally write this Letter of Intent to the Positive Discipline Association! Being a mother of two girls, ages 4 and 6, and working full time, I have historically found so little time left over for personal things. However, since I have been implementing the Positive Discipline tools I have found that I can actually take “me time” by allowing my girls to do for themselves much of what I have always done for them. Presently, my first grader is reading her younger sister the bedtime book she chose, at both of their requests, and they are enjoying it greatly. I am also enjoying it as I sit at the desk beside their beds, listening to the story as I compose this letter.

I was first introduced to Positive Discipline in November of last year. I was having lunch with my closest friend and fellow social worker and discussing how “stressed out” I was with some behaviors my first grader was exhibiting. She mentioned that she had purchased the 5 CD set called the “Positive Discipline Workshop” and asked if I would like to listen to it. Since I have a one-hour commute each way to and from work I agreed to take the CDs and give them a try. After all, it certainly couldn’t hurt.

I never anticipated how much my life would change as a result of the information I gained from Positive Discipline. I couldn’t get enough! I found myself going out to my car during breaks at work just to listen to Jane Nelsen. I was thirsty for this information, and wanted to learn more and more! After listening to a few of the CDs I thought, “This stuff is the simple truth. The world needs this information!” By the time I finished the CDs I felt absolutely certain about what I wanted to do with my career and my life. It was so wonderful to hear from Jane that I could not only learn Positive Discipline and reap the benefits in my own life; I could become a Positive Discipline Associate and teach this invaluable information to others!

Teaching Parenting DVD Training

I visited the Positive Discipline website to search for upcoming classes in my area. I noticed that there were classes coming up, but not nearly soon enough for me. My hunger for more knowledge about Positive Discipline was (and continues to be) so paramount in my life that I felt I needed immediate gratification. For Christmas last year I asked my family for one thing: the Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way training course on DVD. Thankfully, my family loves me and got me just what I wanted. I watched the training course at home, and listened to it in the car from the DVD player in the back seat. Even if I couldn’t see the participants, I could hear the content and loved everything about it.

I continued to check out the website every day. That is where I found Mary Maguire, a Lead Trainer for Positive Discipline who lives in my area. I e-mailed Mary and said, “I love this stuff! Teach me!” She invited me assist in her next class. It has been wonderful to practice and witness the experiential activities to build on what I have learned from the DVD Training. My enthusiasm for learning Positive Discipline continues to grow everyday, as well as my confidence that I have finally found what I want to do with my career. The discovery of Positive Discipline has ignited in me a spark that I have never experienced before, and I finally feel that I have truly discovered my “niche.”

I have implemented several tools from Positive Discipline in my own family and have seen the extraordinary changes that can take place. Our home has become more peaceful and well functioning.  Our relationships have deepened with our understanding and practicing of mutual respect.

Positive Discipline Tool Cards

I have seen positive changes in my children in just a short time. They are developing an attitude of competence and are doing more things for themselves. They participate more in everyday responsibilities and are developing their feelings of capability and confidence. My girls are now getting themselves ready for school in the morning and bed at night by following the routine charts we created together. Historically, mornings and evenings were the most stressful times of the day. They are making many of their own snacks, cleaning up and taking care of their own things, learning to “cool off” independently and go to their “chill-out spots” and they seem to be resolving more of their conflicts independent of my involvement.  Our family is learning to manage problems with mutual respect and finding solutions that work for everyone involved.

One of my favorite Positive Discipline sayings is “Where in the world did we get the crazy idea that in order to make kids do better we must first make them feel worse?” The approach taught by Positive Discipline is simple but extremely effective. Being kind and firm at the same time is the best approach for parents and educators to foster healthy development of self and others in their children. The Mistaken Goal Chart has shed invaluable light on why children behave in the manner that they do. By understanding their mistaken goals, and redirecting their behavior to achieve their goals in more respectful ways, everyone benefits.

This journey is very exciting for me, and I love this new chapter in my life! I appreciate that Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen address the issue that I don’t have to know all of the answers before I teach my first class. In fact, they say that over-preparation can actually cause teachers to be less effective and more boring! I don’t anticipate that I will ever have a boring class or session. How could something so exciting ever be boring? Thank you for your consideration of my application. I am so looking forward to the long future I will have with the Positive Discipline Association.

Sincerely,

Cynthia L. Knoell, LICSW
Minneapolis, MN

Parenting Teens: How Do You Know When Your Child Becomes a Teen?

The following is an excerpt from the book Positive Discipline for Teenagers by Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott.

You know you have a teenager when you hear yourself complaining, “She has no purpose. He won‘t help. She only cares about her friends. He is so self-centered. Her room is a mess. I can‘t trust him. This is out of control. I can ‘t stand her hair, clothes, makeup, or music.  He wastes his money. She resents me and idolizes rock stars. He is on drugs and treats me like dirt. She is moody and irresponsible.”

 

Another sign that you have an adolescent is when you hear him complaining, “My parents treat me like a kid. They think I ‘m having sex all the time. They butt in. They hate my friends. They give advice. They try to live my life for me. They are never satisfied. All they do is ask questions and control my life. Why can ‘t they just leave me alone?” 

The Dream Teen and the Normal Teen

IN OUR WORKSHOP on parenting teenagers, we asked one group to draw a “normal” teen, or how most parents see their teens. The composite teen was messy and self-centered, listened to loud music, defied authority, preferred friends to family, decorated room with posters, valued cars and an independent lifestyle, conformed to the clothing styles of peers (no matter how gross), smoked, and drank alcohol. Comments from the group included:

• “Well this is an exaggeration. All teens aren‘t like this.”
• “But, it sure does depict the rebelliousness because most of them are a lot like this.”
• “It helps to be reminded that my teen would not be normal if he cleaned his room.”
• “Come to think about it, I was like that once.” 

The last comment was a nice reminder to the group that we all continue to grow and change beyond adolescence.  

Another group was asked to draw a “dream” teen, or how most parents think they want their teens to be. The composite teen was voted prom queen or king, kept agreements (“I promise to be there on time, as always.”), volunteered to help, loved to talk to parents (“Let me tell you everything about my life.”), ate only healthy food, didn‘t watch television, was very athletic, earned two scholarships (one athletic and one academic), scored high on the SATs,  lined up a summer job by January, supplied his or her own money for hair or makeup and saved the rest for college and a car, respected everyone (including siblings), was respectfully  assertive, and was an A student. Comments from the group included:

• “A teen like this wouldn‘t have any friends.”
• “No one could stand him.”
• “I have friends who have a teen like this and I can ‘t stand her.”
• “ My teen is like this, although she seems pretty stressed most of the time.”

This exercise reveals that although you may fantasize about having an ideal teen, you instinctively know that such a creature is rarely found. Even though the reality of living with a “normal” teen can be quite painful, it will be easier if you can come to a deeper understanding of what is happening during adolescence.

Someone once said that the teen years were created so parents would find it easier to let go when their children turned twenty. At times this statement seems like an understatement.  Some teens can be very hard to love. They make promises that they forget to keep. They think they know everything and continually tell you how stupid you are. They hate to clean their rooms, they listen to music you can ‘t stand, and they exaggerate everything. They even talk funny. Sometimes they talk so fast, only another teenager can understand what they ‘re saying.  Other teens seem to withdraw into a shell. They don ‘t put you down, they just clam up or revert to one-word sentences such as, “Yeah” or  “Nah.”  Occasionally you may hear three words, “I don ‘t know.”

 

Often, parents look at their teens and feel a sense of failure. You may wonder how you could have created such a monster. You may wonder if there is any hope for one last chance to teach them lessons and to mold them into decent human beings. You may feel desperate and hopeless, angry and aggravated.

If you could simply relax and remember that these are the years when your children are experimenting in an attempt to find out what they think, you could enjoy them more. If you gave up trying to teach them and instead learned to be curious and amazed, you could appreciate their struggle. If you could relax, you could trust that who they are now is in no way a reflection on you or indicative of who they will be when they grow up. With these new attitudes, you could focus on long-range parenting and learn to be a guide and facilitator who your teen could trust.

Take a Trip Down Memory Lane

THINK BACK TO your teen years. Do you remember what your world was like? What were your issues? What did you think about all day? Take time to make a list of what was important to you. You might even want to talk to people who were teens during different decades (the 1990s, 1980s, 1970s, and so forth). Ask them what was important to them as teens, what they were like, and how they were parented. Compare your information with the following issues, mentioned by teens today:

TEEN ISSUES

• Am I going to get invited to the dance?
• What should I wear?
• How can I find time for studying?
• How can I be popular, or at least included?
• How can I get a car?
• What should I do about drinking, drugs, and sex?
• What is happening to my body? Will my breasts/penis be as big as the other kids ‘? 
• Will other kids think I‘m cool? How can I get my parents off my back?
• Should I go to college?
• What is there to do? (I‘m bored)
• What are other kids saying about me behind my back?
• How can I ever please my parents? (All they care about is grades and chores.)   

Notice that these issues do not include anything about clean rooms, a clean house, doing chores, spending time with family, being considerate, or being nice to brothers and sisters. Parents often think that their teens are doing or not doing certain things because they want to hurt their parents or that their teens are being disrespectful of their wishes. As you can see from your list and the list above, teenagers usually aren‘t thinking much about their parents. Parents will be much happier if they accept and respect the fact that, for instance, chores are not a priority for teens. That doesn‘t mean they shouldn‘t do them. It does mean you‘ll have better results if you acknowledge to your children, “I can understand that chores aren‘t a priority for you, but they need to be done anyway. Let ‘s work on a plan to make chores as easy as possible.”

What Is Happening During Adolescence?

IF YOU THINK that how your children behave as teenagers is who they will be for the rest of their lives, you probably feel a fair amount of anxiety. Although it may seem otherwise, your teens have not grown up to be terrible people, because they are not grown up yet. They are individuating; their behavior is only temporary. It will last for as long as it takes for them to find out who they are and how they can move from childhood to adulthood.

Many life tasks are inherent in child growth and development. These tasks may be physical, intellectual, emotional, social, psychological, or spiritual. As young people move through adolescence, from childhood to adulthood, their primary task is individuation.

CHARACTERISTICS OF INDIVIDUATION

1. Adolescents have a need to find out who they are.
2. Individuation usually looks like rebellion to parents.
3. Adolescents go through huge physical and emotional changes.
4. Peer relationships take precedence over family relationships.
5. Teens explore and exercise personal power and autonomy.
6. Teens have a great need for privacy.
7. Parents become an embarrassment to their teens.
8. Teens see themselves as omnipotent and all knowing.

Adolescents Have a Need to Find Out Who They Are

Teens want to know how they are different from their families, how they feel and what they think about things, and what their own values are. This process of separation from the family in preparation for an independent adulthood is called individuation.

Individuation Usually Looks Like Rebellion to Parents

Although most parents worry when their teenagers rebel, it would be more appropriate to worry if they didn‘t. Teenagers must begin their separation from their families, and rebellion gives them the ability to do this. At first, teens may rebel by challenging what is important to their families (family values) or zeroing in on what their parents want and then doing exactly the opposite. Later, they may rebel in other ways—but at first individuation is primarily a reaction against their parents, and doing the opposite is the simplest, most natural way of being different. If teens are not allowed to rebel, they may do it in their twenties, thirties, or fifties. Even worse, they may become approval junkies— afraid to take risks or to feel comfortable with who they are.

Adolescents Go Through Huge Physical and Emotional Changes

Whether they like it or not, adolescents are maturing physically and sexually, undergoing biological processes that are essentially out of their control. In addition to the tumultuous, contradictory feelings these major changes cause, adolescents may feel anxiety regarding their rate of change—they may feel their physical maturation is too quick or too slow in relation to that of their peers. (Most parents would prefer their children to mature slowly, but nature has its own patterns.)

  

The physical maturation process, with its sudden and powerful hormonal changes, causes mood swings. Without premeditation, teens are delightful one minute and biting your head off the next. In addition, some teens are in such a rapid rate of physical growth that they experience real “growing pains,” where their bodies actually hurt.

Peer Relationships Take Precedence Over Family Relationships

Teens need to work out their relationships with peers to find out if and how they fit in.  Friendships take the place of time spent with family. Although peer relationships help teens in their task of separation, parents often interpret it as rejection or rebellion. Have patience. If you avoid power struggles and criticism, your teen will become one of your best friends in his or her twenties.

Teens Explore and Exercise Personal Power and Autonomy

Teens have a strong desire to find out what they are capable of—they need to test their power and importance in the world. This means that they want to decide what they can do for themselves without being directed and ordered. Parents often take this as a challenge to their own power, thus creating power struggles. Some teens find personal power so intimidating that they want others, usually their peers, to tell them what to do, which can be a dangerous consequence of overly controlling parents. This is not a very easy choice— rebellion or compliance—but it ‘s often the only choice teens see when they don ‘t have the opportunity to exercise their own personal power and autonomy. For parents, the key is learning to support teen rebellion in respectful ways that teach important life skills, which is the focus of this book.

Teens Have a Great Need for Privacy

Because their rate of development moves so fast and is out of their control, it can be embarrassing for teens to have their families watching and knowing. As teens try to figure out what ‘s important to them, they may engage in activities without parental approval before deciding for themselves that they might not want to do the activities after all. To escape getting in trouble or to avoid disappointing you, teens will figure out how to test activities that you may not approve of without your knowledge.

Your teen‘s need for privacy can be very scary for you. You may worry that you are not being a responsible parent if you don ‘t know everything your teen is doing. You may fear that your teen might build bombs (or engage in some other disastrous activity) if you are not vigilant. We have news for you: If your teens are going to engage in these activities, they will do it in spite of your vigilance. They will just go underground so they have less chance of getting caught.

The best prevention for possible disaster is to build kind and firm relationships with your teens—let them know that they are unconditionally important to you and provide opportunities for them to learn important life skills. They will then be able to think for themselves and figure out what is important to them. Accomplishing this goal is the aim of this book.

Parents Become an Embarrassment to Their Teens

During the teenage years, teens tend to put their parents down and try to show parents how “stupid” they are. Sometimes teens act embarrassed around their parents and families in public or may even refuse to be seen with them. The affection that may have been a normal part of family life may suddenly become taboo. We will remind you many times that this is a temporary condition, unless you make an issue of it that builds resentment for the future.

Teens See Themselves as Omnipotent and All Knowing

Parents who try to tell teens how to dress or eat or what they can or can‘t do just don‘t seem to understand that teens never get sick, don ‘t get cold, don‘t need sleep, and can live forever on junk food or no food at all. Many parents wonder how their children even survive these years, but the facts are that most teens do. To some it may seem that the methods we advocate are permissive and increase the chances of drastic consequences. The opposite is true.

Not Permissiveness

OFTEN, WE GET a very strong reaction from parents who read this list of teenage characteristics. The comments of these parents are very similar, “You can‘t just stop being a parent and let kids go off on their own to individuate.” That last word is said with a great deal of sarcasm.

We do not advocate permissiveness, because that kind of parenting deprives young people of the opportunities to learn life skills, to develop their own potential, to be self-reliant and responsible, and to learn from their mistakes. To do all of this, they need guidance (kind and firm parenting as described in chapter 3), but not external controls, which only increase rebellion. Throughout this book, we show you how to help guide your teens in new, positive ways.

Positive Discipline for Teenagers

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Potty Training 101

When parents say, "I'm training my child to use the toilet," what they really mean is, "I'm training myself to remind my child to use the toilet." Unfortunately, this often turns into a power struggle, with parents saying, "You will," and children saying, "I won't. You can't make me." Parents use all kinds of tricks to win the potty training battle: treats, pleading, lectures, threats, and even punishment.

Although children naturally want to do what "big" people do, not every child is ready for potty training at the same time. Moreover, if parents push too early, training is likely to backfire, producing unwanted behaviors. Some children use it to get undue attention from their parents. Some turn it into a battleground to prove who is boss. Less assertive children can develop a sense of self-doubt or shame.

Read the rest of the article at BarnesandNoble.com

Positive Discipline and the Wheel of Choice

Dear Dr. Jane Nelsen,

Early in the school year my first grade students were introduced to the Positive Discipline Wheel of Choice during our classroom meetings. We use the Wheel of Choice daily to solve problems and come up with solutions. While role-playing a problem during a classroom meeting, the children discovered that each of them had their own solutions that worked best for them in any given situation. As an extension to this idea, the children created “Wheel of Choice Mobiles.” Each child first created a 5 inch “self-portrait” detailing everything from their hair to what clothes they like to wear. Next, they picked four strategies that they thought they could best use when trying to solve a problem. Then, we attached the four different strategies from their mobiles and hung them above their table spots. As a result, when the children are faced with an immediate problem they simply look up at their own mobiles and are reminded of the strategies they think works best for them. The mobiles have hung above their tables since the beginning of the year and still work as effective problem solving tools. They also celebrate their individuality and represent multiple ways to problem solve problems.

Employing Positive Discipline in the Classroom has been the most effective form of emotional and social development I have ever encountered. It is so pleasurable to be a teacher in an environment that empowers children to have a voice to share feelings and teach empathy. The children have become thoughtful, caring, reflective and effective problem solvers in a short amount of time. It has been most surprising that children at the ages of 6 and 7 can exemplify communication skills that many adults have yet to obtain. The positive supportive language between the students is quite astounding and has created a classroom filled with love, respect and intrinsically motivated learning. Thank you for your inspiring program!

Tammy Keces

New Horizons School

Irvine, CA

The Principal of New Horizon School has posted several large Wheels of Choice on outside walls where students can easily refer to them.

Messy Rooms

A member of the Positive Discipline Social Network asked for help regarding the power struggle to get her children to clean up their rooms. I shared the following excerpt from Positive Discipline A-Z by Jane Nelsen, Lynn Lott, and H. Stephen Glenn:


“My children refuse to clean their rooms. They have dirty clothes under the bed, dirty dishes and spoiled food on their dressers, and toys strewn everywhere. No matter how much I nag and complain, we don’t seem to make any progress on their rooms.”

Understanding Your Child, Yourself, and the Situation

Messy rooms and unfinished homework are complaints we hear often from parents of children of all ages. These issues become a real battleground in many families. Often children share rooms, and this becomes another reason for fighting. Some families are comfortable letting the children keep their rooms the way they like them, but it is possible to have a semblance of order in your children’s rooms if that is important to you. Helping your children organize and clean their rooms can be worth the effort, and children learn many valuable life skills through this process. Success requires commitment to time for training and ongoing supervision on your part.

Suggestions

1. With young children, it is important to clean with them so they don’t become overwhelmed. Sit in the middle of the room and pick up a toy, saying, “I wonder where this goes? Can you show me?” Wait until the child puts the toy away and then start over. Do this at least once a week.
2. Many preschool children collect scraps of paper, rocks, string, and other treasures. It is okay to remove these objects when your child is out. If she objects, let her help sort the items, but usually young children don’t miss the clutter and just start collecting again. When children get old enough to notice and care, be respectful of their treasures and leave them alone.
3. It is never too late to "Take Time for Training."  Let your kids know that you will clean their rooms WITH them for two weeks. This can include tips for organizing. Once you know that they know how, you could get them involved in a “morning 3 minute pickup" (a little game to see how much they can do in just 3 minutes), and a "bedtime 3 minute pickup." Let them take turns setting a timer—or get a timer for each of them. Then decide together on a time every Saturday morning when everyone works on cleaning the house together. A lot can get done in 30 to 60 minutes when everyone is working together. This can include each person doing the heavy cleanup in his or her room.
4. You may be part of the problem if you buy your child too many toys. That is easily corrected. Suggest that she choose some to put on a shelf and take down later. You might also suggest that your children clear out toys they no longer play with and give them to a charitable organization, for other kids to enjoy.
5. Do not bribe or reward children for doing what needs to be done. Caring for their rooms is their job to help the family, and they don’t need a prize to do it. Do not connect allowances to cleaning rooms. By the same token, do not threaten to take away your children’s possessions if they don’t take care of them. 
6. Some parents choose to ignore messy rooms. They allow children to keep their rooms any way they want, but get them involved in solutions to keep common rooms clean.
7. Another possibility is to give your child a choice, “Do you want to clean your room or do you want me to? If I clean, I get to throw away anything that seems worthless.” Another choice could be, “Do you want to clean your room, or pay a housekeeper out of your allowance?” Your tone of voice will determine whether or not the choice is received respectfully or as an invitation for a power struggle.
8. For children who argue over sharing a room, suggest they work it out together or at a family meeting.

Planning Ahead to Prevent Future Problems

1. Let your children have a say in how their rooms are decorated. Children have distinct taste in colors and decor, and it is important that their rooms be theirs and not yours. Make sure they have plenty of containers and shelf space for their toys and possessions.
2. With children ages two to ten, it often works to say, “Here is how your room needs to be kept. You may play with your toys or move things around, but put them back the way the room is set up when you are done.” Some children are perfectly happy to comply with your wishes when stated unemotionally. If your children want more involvement, use the other suggestions.
3. During a family meeting set up a routine with your children for cleaning rooms. With school-age children, one that works well is to have the room cleaned before breakfast. If the child forgets, simply turn her plate upside down as a nonverbal reminder to go clean her room before joining the family for breakfast. When children take part in making the plan, they are more likely to cooperate in following through with it. Be realistic about what you consider clean. If children push things under the bed or pull the covers up over wrinkled sheets, let it go.
4. As children get older, it works better to have one day a week when they clean their rooms.  They need to return dirty dishes to the kitchen, put their laundry in the laundry basket, vacuum, dust, and change their sheets. Having a deadline that you enforce works best. For instance, the room must be cleaned before dinner on Saturday. If you aren’t around to enforce the deadline, don’t expect your children to clean their rooms.
5. Twice a year, go through your child’s clothing with her to remove clothing that no longer fits and donate it to a charity like Goodwill or the Salvation Army. You can also put away clothing that is out of season.
6. You may wish to have a discussion about your “minimum standards” for a room, especially as your children get older. You might say, for instance, “I’m not happy with the situation, but I’m willing to live with your room the way you like it as long as my minimum standards are met. They are that the dirty dishes be returned to the kitchen once a week, that the floors get vacuumed once a week, and that the sheets are changed on weekends.”

Life Skills Children Can Learn

Children can learn how to maintain a routine, contribute to the family, organize and care for their possessions, and cooperate. They can also explore their own taste and express their uniqueness in the decoration and organization of their rooms.

Parenting Pointers

1. A clean room may be high on your priority list, but very low on your child’s. If you choose to make this a battle ground, your child may keep a messy room just to win the battle. Keep perspective -- remember that many neat adults were once messy children.
2. Don’t worry that your friends will look at your children’s rooms and wonder about your housekeeping. Your friends can tell the difference between your standards and your children’s.

Booster Thoughts

Krista and her brother Tom loved to decorate their rooms. Every two or three years, their taste would change completely--from circus themes and kittens to baseball players and ballerinas to rock stars and movie heartthrobs. There were times when posters covered every square inch of wall and ceiling space and times when the walls were painted hot pink or black. The rooms reflected their unique personalities, interests, and tastes.

Tom and Krista helped paint their rooms and pick out fabrics for drapes and bedspreads. The posters they wanted would be at the top of their birthday or Christmas wish lists. On occasion, they could be found moving their furniture around into some new arrangement. Some years the rooms were orderly and clean; other years they collected chaos and confusion. Each room usually boasted at least one sign on the door announcing, “Come In,” “Keep Out,” or “Beware.”

These two children were encouraged to be themselves and express the ways in which they are unique. They loved the opportunity to express their individuality, and their parents enjoyed watching each new aspect of their personalities develop. We wish this for you and your children.

Positive Discipline Tools and Tips for the Beginning, Middle or End of a Target Meltdown

by guest blogger (my daughter) Mary Nelsen Tamborski

Every week my two young boys (4-year-old Greyson and 2-year-old Reid) and I have a routine of going to Target to pick up our weekly essentials.  I learned early on not to buy a toy, even from the $1 aisle, because it created a new routine of expecting "something" every visit.  Of course, the few trips after breaking this habit were not fun.

To prepare them for this new plan (take time for training) I explained that we were not going to buy any toys. Then on our way to Target I shared the list of exactly what we needed to get and asked for my oldest son, Greyson, to help me remember the items. It was my hope that asking for his help would distract him from wanting to buy a toy (providing experiences that help children feel capable).

Surprisingly it went well without a major meltdown.  Greyson did seem proud of himself for helping. It might have helped that I creatively learned how to avoid the toy aisle at all costs, which is not easy!
Our weekly trips to Target are now virtually stress free-as long as I'm in and out within 30 minutes and don't go close to nap time (getting into the child's world and planning ahead).

A few weeks ago, we had an exceptionally awesome day of communication, a long nap, exercise for Mommy, and some extra fun games and activities.  Greyson was being extra helpful and patient with his baby brother Reid. It warmed my heart to watch him sharing his toys with Reid. Overall, I think I can speak for all of us when I say the day was a 10 on a scale from 1-10.

We were at Target. When I least expected it, I turned the corner to a new aisle (Halloween costumes) and right there was his new favorite character of the week-Superman. It wasn't even September yet, so Halloween costumes were the last thing on my mind. When I told Greyson, "No we can't buy that costume today," he started pouting and saying, " I want to go straight home." Thankfully we were on our way to the checkout line, so I just sped up (deep down knowing it was about to get ugly)!

All the way to the checkout line I was acknowledging and validating his feelings of disappointment, frustration, anger and confusion that he couldn't get the costume today. Unfortunately, this Positive Discipline tool wasn't working.

We were standing in line when I tried complimenting him by telling him how much I enjoyed our day together, and what a great help he's been, and how much I've loved spending our time together. Then I asked him (even though I knew the answer) to describe how he was feeling and why? When he explained to me that he wanted the costume today and that he didn't want to wait to buy it I told him (kindly and firmly) that I wasn't ready to buy it yet.

Greyson's reaction was to tell me that I was a "bad mommy" and then he started pushing me.
The pressure was on! Naturally all eyes at (least it felt that way) were on me waiting to see what I was going to do next? What I think most people were expecting was for me to "flip my lid" and totally lose it by either threatening, yelling, spanking or firmly (not kindly) putting him into the cart for lock down.
Instead, I knelt down to his level and told him again how much I loved being around him and I was feeling upset for the total attitude change. I then asked him if he needed a hug. This is a Positive Discipline tool that usually always works for Greyson and me; but not this time. He said, "No I don't want a hug."

I was feeling especially desperate. I was running out of Positive Disciple tools. However, I reached into my "Positive Discipline tool belt" one last time and used compliments and sense of humor.  Thank goodness, it worked!  Greyson had on the conductor hat that he wears everyday. (Will this train phase ever end?) I reminded him how much I loved his fun, loving and cooperative attitude he had expressed all day, and that it all switched in "one Target turn." I told him, "I am going to pull your hat down over your face down to your chin; and when I lift it up I'm going to see a big smile, and and a happy Greyson."  I put his hat over his face lifted it up and said "ta daa." Holy smokes it worked!!!!!

I was shocked! However, I learned again how important it is to get inside the child's world, validating his thoughts and feelings, and being kind and firm and even more important, respectful. I felt like I should've had a round of applause from all the nervous and anticipating parents who were watching.  Gosh knows that we've all been there in the checkout line that is moving slower than it ever has, and every item in reach of eager little hands.  I sometimes wonder if anyone else has caught on to how Wal-Mart and Target checkout lines are just a different form of birth control...unless you have Positive Discipline tools.

I was amazed that I was able to keep my cool for that long, but I remember hearing, "How can we expect our children to control their behavior when we don't control our own?" (Modeling.)

(You can learn more about Mary Nelsen Tamborski and get updates on her classes and workshops by visiting the Roots and Wings website.)

Announcing Positive Discipline San Diego

Announcing

Jane Nelsen, Ed.D, MFT, and Mary Nelsen Tamborski, MA, IMFT are happy to announce their association with Roots and Wings Counseling and Consulting in La Mesa, CA where they are now accepting new clients interested in marriage, family, individual and group counseling, and parent coaching.

Mary and Jane are also available for speaking engagements and parenting classes in the San Diego area. Hear the whole truth about Positive Discipline: Two Generations. You will also learn many Positive Discipline Tools for Ending Power Struggles while Teaching Children Valuable Social and Life Skills and why Couples who parent together, stay together.

Mark your Calendar

You are invited to the Roots and Wings Counseling and Consulting open house February 9 from 6:00 to 8:00 PM. Meet our staff. Browse through our upcoming classes and events (receive a free deck of Positive Discipline Tool Cards for early registration), and enjoy light snacks. 9541 Grossmont Summit Drive, La Mesa, CA 91941

UPCOMING WORKSHOPS AND CLASSES

Positive Discipline Workshop: Defiance to Self-Reliance
Facilitators: Mary Nelsen Tamborski and Jenny Trainor
Two Saturday Mornings: February 26, 2011 and March 5—9:00 AM to 1:00 PM
$95 per person, $160 per couple
Call 858-254-9378 to give yourself the gift that can change your life!



Positive Discipline Workshop: Defiance to Self-Reliance
Facilitators: Mary Nelsen Tamborski and Jenny Trainor
Four Monday Evenings: February 21, to March 14—6:00 to 8:00 PM
$95 per person, $160 per couple
Call 858-254-9378 to give yourself the gift that can change your life!


Coming Soon: Positive Discipline San Diego

We are forming a Positive Discipline Coop that will include a website listing all Positive Discipline facilitators, therapists, coaches, classes and workshops in San Diego County, as well as articles and helpful hints.