My Teenager Doesn’t Keep His Agreements

"My Teenager Doesn’t Keep His Agreements!" If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that line. . . Does anyone have a teenager who does keep all his or her agreements? Did you?Now that we’ve established that this is a typical complaint of many parents of teens, what is an effective way to handle this challenge?

It is with pleasure that I quote Certified Positive Discipline Trainer, Kelly Pfieffer, who responded to a parent on  the Positive Discipline Social Network who wondered how to get her son to keep his agreement to take out the trash:

Wow, can I relate.  I don't have much time this morning to answer. Similar issue with my 17 yo son. His job is to bring in the trash. He works each Wednesday evening and would "forget" to bring the trash & recycling bin in when he got home. Then he would forget again in the morning though the trash can is clearly visible on his way to his car on the way to school. So the trash can would sit out all day the next day and my husband would be especially upset because it's obvious to the neighbors that our trash can has not been brought in.

After reminding & nagging, I was SOOOOOOOOOOOo frustrated with him for a while. Finally, I wondered how I could connect with my son, follow through and teach my son about responsibility.  The thing I decided was to simply make the job one that my son and I do together.

When he got home from work each Wednesday night, I gave him the opportunity to bring the trash in on his way in the house. Of course, he didn't so I would greet him with a hug and cheerfully say, "We're doing the trash together now. Let's get it done." So one of us would get the trashcan and the other would get the recycling bin. We'd put them away and walk in the house together. I had resolved that I would not piggy back or act negatively and that I would enjoy doing this task with my son.

Each week, I waited to see if he would bring it in on his own and he didn't for about 3 or 4 weeks, so we did the job together and I continued to be positive and enjoy the task. BUT THENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN............................................ aha, he started walking straight from his car to the trash can and taking care of both the trash can and the recycling bin.

It hasn't been perfect, but I have noticed a HUGE improvement and if needed, I will do the task with him again. Also really, his attitude about the job is much better and he remembers most of the time. Now it's unusual for him to forget when it used to be unusual for him to remember the trash.
Read Kelly Pfeiffer’s many excellent articles about Positive Discipline on the following website: Suite101.com, Examiner.com, BlissfullyDomestic.com, PreschoolRock.com. Just search for Kelly Pfeiffer’s name.

I would like to make a few points about why I love Kelly’s answer:

Connection Before Correction
You may be familiar with the Positive Discipline concept of “connection before correction.” Nagging and punishment does not create a connection. Instead, they create distance and hostility. In the long-term, connection is more important than the trash—and is the most likely thing you can do to encourage cooperation for keeping agreements.

Modeling What You Want
We all know that example is the best teacher, yet too often we don't model what we want. What are parents modeling when they yell, nag, and punish? On the other hand, Kelly modeled putting relationships first and using the "trash" as an opportunity for connection? Which example provides the best long-term memories and decisions about how to behave?

Teen Priorities
Trash is not on the list of top priorities for teens (just as it wasn't on yours when you were a teen). What is on their list: friends (do I fit in or not), girl/boy friends (am I good enough to have one), grades/homework (can I get good ones or not; if not should I rebel or act like I don't care; drugs (should I or shouldn't I), sex (should I or shouldn't I), pressure (since I can never seem to please my parents, why try?) electronics (I'm not addicted, I just like it), sports, etc., etc. etc.
Trash (huh?)

Perspective
Keep in mind that who your teen is today is not who he or she will be forever. The teen years are a time of intense individuation—discovering who they are separate from their parents. Healthy individuation requires a little rebellion. We all know it can be a tough time. What kind of modeling do you think will eventually bring them back to the values you have spent years teaching? What kind of modeling (and memories) do you think will serve your teens for the rest of their lives?

Positive Discipline Workbook

For years I have wanted to create a Positive Discipline Workbook. However, I did not want it to be a boring, fill in the blanks workbook. Then I discovered Diane Durand's illustrations and felt inspired to finish the project in a different way.

Each lesson in this Positive Discipline Workbook is filled with illustrations to capture your interest and tell the Positive Discipline story better than words alone. Experiential activities and parenting tools are included in each lesson. In the first lesson you will learn what to do when your child won't listen. You'll also learn what happens when your buttons are pushed.

The Positive Discipline Workbook book can be used for self-study. Or, you may want to invite friends for a parenting party and learn together.

As our special Holiday Gift to you, we are offering the first lesson of the workbook as a FREE download on the Positive Discipline Website. Click Here!

Gratitude and Generosity

by Jody McVittie, MD, Executive Director, Sound Discipline,
 Certified Positive Discipline Lead Trainer and Parent Coach

As the leaves begin to turn vibrant colors and then fall we enter the season of short days and longer nights. It is also, for many of us, a season of holidays and traditions. It can be both exciting and stressful for families. Now, before things start moving really quickly is a time to pause and think about what you might want to remember. Traditions are important for families – partly because in the ritual “doing” we come to a place of finding out who we are and who we are connected to. Consider for a moment, what you will want to remember being instead of what you want to remember doing. One thing that many traditions have in common (and you can start your own) is the sense of gratitude and generosity. Here are some ideas to play with at home to grow your family’s sense of these values.

A family gratitude journal. You can start a new journal or add some pages to your family meeting book. At dinner have everyone take turns being the scribe as each family member shares one thing that he or she is grateful for.

Random acts of kindness. Talk with your family about how you might do random acts of kindness. Do you want to practice on each other? Do you want to do stealth acts of kindness in the neighborhood? What kinds of ideas can you come up with?

Family read alouds. There are all sorts of books and stories on gratitude and kindness. Your local librarian can direct you to many. Another great source for lists of books and stories is the Fetzer Institute.

Interview friends and family. Encourage your family to dig into its own story. You can interview family and friends about a time that someone was generous to them that made a difference in their lives…or about a time that they were generous…or about something that the person is grateful for. Record them if you can. They will be a family treasure. StoryCorps has ideas for documenting family stories as well or find more suggestions at the National Day of Listening site.

Enjoy the connections these activities can bring!

The Wicked Witch of the West

Terese Bradshaw, a Certified Positive Discipline Trainer and Montessori teacher, shares a scary Halloween story that will be an inspiration to every parent who is delusional about the possibility of being a perfect parent—even a Perfect Positive Discipline parent.  We all make mistakes, even when we know better. Fortunately, our mistakes provide an opportunity to go back to our Positive Discipline tools to clean up the mess we have made—and to model for our children (over and over). that “mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn.”

          On a blustery, cold Halloween night, a wicked witch fretted in her brand new house.  She had just re-married, blended her little goblins, and moved her in-home preschool to their new location.  She was overwhelmed and cranky (nearly flipped lid), but still wanted to create the "Perfect Halloween" for her children.
          Dinner was done, and her little goblins were putting on their homemade costumes to go out and spook the neighborhood, when the witch (who was usually quite kind) noticed bright blue theatrical make-up on the stairs of her brand new white carpet. (No one knows why this crazy Mother Witch of 4 little ones decided to put expensive white carpet throughout HER whole house.)
          The lovely witch followed the trail of shimmering blue make-up up the stairs, down the hall, and into the master bedroom and bath where her little darlings were making faces in the mirror and squealing with delight at how scary they looked in their costumes and made-up faces—until they saw the contorted look of horror on the mother Witch's face (fully flipped lid).
          Their joy suddenly turned to sheer terror (mirror neurons at work) as their once friendly Mother Witch   turned on them. She started screaming at the top of her lungs  "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?! (Blame!) YOU'VE RUINED OUR BEAUTIFUL HOME!! (Priorities?) AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES ABOUT HAVING A DECENT PLACE TO LIVE!?!  (Not really a Curiosity Question.)  DO YOU WANT TO LIVE IN A PIGSTY ALL YOUR LIVES!?!   (Shame.)  YOU DON'T DESERVE TO GO TRICK-OR-TREATING!! (Punishment) GET OUT OF HERE!!  (Abandonment.)  YOU CAN JUST GO OUT TRICK-OR-TREATING BY YOURSELVES. The wicked witch was out-of-control!
         After she chased them down the stairs, she saw more of the ugly blue stain on her living room and dining room carpets!!  She screeched some more hurtful things at the innocents and pointed her bony finger towards the door. (Not a very respectful way of using NON-VERBAL SIGNALS.) The little children and their friend (humiliation) cried in fear and ran out of the house—to the streets of a brand new neighborhood where they had only lived one week.
A few minutes later the wicked witch realized what she had done and felt great remorse and shock at the way she had treated her little children who just wanted to BELONG.  She jumped on her broomstick (a big Suburban) and raced down the street trying to find them.    Ahhh . . . Great Relief!  There they were—safe on the sidewalk.  Whew, they had not been kidnapped!          
         She raced the car towards them.  The youngest one, with the telltale blue make-up still stuck to the bottom of her shoe, ran in fear and jumped into the nearest bushes.  The witch ran to embrace her child and offer a heartfelt apology. The little one cried in fear.  She thought sure her mother was going to run her down with the car. (The witch forgot how important timing is before apologizing)
         After many tears and hugs, the Not-So-Wicked Witch took responsibility for what she had done.  She shared with them what she had learned from this experience, and what she would do differently next time she was that stressed. (5 Rs of Recovery.) She let them know that they were more important than a few stains on the carpet— and it could be cleaned up, anyway.
         Fortunately, her loving children were amazingly forgiving and eventually recovered from their harrowing ordeal with the Wicked Witch of the West.  However, to this day, none of the girls will wear Halloween make-up.

Terese Bradshaw, Certified Positive Discipline Ttrainer (formerly known as the Wicked Witch of the West—now loving Mother (most of the time)

Routine Chart and Wheel of Choice Success Story

It warms my heart to hear Positive Discipline success stories. I know other parents find them them helpful and encouraging too.  I asked for permission to share Laura Beth's and Jake's story to inspire others.

My son, Jake, 3-years-old, loves to help out with projects like these.  We have done a behavior chart before (it turned into a piece of art on our fridge instead of a teaching tool!).  However, the Routine Chart and Wheel of Choice have been very successful in our home.  Even though he always knew his routine before bed, having a chart has made it fun for him, PLUS he gets to look at himself in the pictures he took!  We walked through his routine together before snapping photos of him doing it all!  He is proud of the chart, shares it with anyone who comes into his room!  He has been using it for about 3 weeks and he doesn’t forget a step!



The Wheel of Choice was fun to put together too.  I asked him what he’d like to do when he’s feeling frustrated or sad or hurt... And he proceeded to tell me he’d rather laugh than cry; he likes to “take a break and drink water”; dance; etc.  He got into the actual searching for pictures that described the words and the outcome is our Wheel Of Choice.  We used it today, in fact, when he and his sister (Marin, 17 months old) were sitting on the sofa sharing a book.  Marin, took the book and Jake immediately flipped his lid.  Yelled at her, grabbed the book, made her cry, she grabbed it back and I slowly walked in.  I asked Jake if he’d like to use his Wheel Of Choice to help – and he actually said YES!  He chose to “share his toys,” he got Marin her own book that was more appropriate for her and she gladly gave him his book back.  They sat there for a while and then traded!!

 

All my very best,
Laura Beth 

New Certified Positive Discipline Trainer Candidate

I am continually awed by the passion and commitment of people who want to become Certified Positive Discipline Trainers.  Asma Saloom recently sent her "Letter of Intent" to join the PDA training program. I was so touched and impressed that I asked for her permission to share parts of her letter. Asma is planning to take Positive Discipline to Egypt.


Becoming a mother three years ago was a turning point that helped me discover what I want to do in my life: work with children and provide them environments that support cooperation, mutual respect, and contemplation.  I had not been around many children before and had very few expectations or assumptions about what conventional parenting or discipline is supposed to look like, so entering this new role with the need to “research” how to do it opened my world to a variety of philosophies about raising children.

My firm belief in the need to respect and honor the child as a capable member of the family and society led me to read about Montessori methods and Positive Discipline, which I first heard about in my natural birthing classes. I found these practices to be really comprehensive and life changing because they result in such a heightened awareness of the importance of the words, actions, and environments that our children encounter. We can support our children as they develop themselves, or we can make them think that nothing matters more than what we and others think of them. We can help them become strong, curious, and self-reliant, or we can crush their spirits so that their highest aspirations are to follow the crowd. It’s such a huge responsibility.

As a mother, I use Positive Discipline with my children because it respects the child while fulfilling the parents’ needs. The successful family needs cooperation from all of its members, and Positive Discipline teaches us how to achieve true cooperation rather than the appearance of cooperation through coercion or bribery. Everyone’s needs are honored and their contributions are valued.

As an elementary teacher-in-training, I plan to use positive discipline in the classroom to help me actualize my ultimate goals for working in education: providing a supportive and respectful environment in which children are not “controlled” but rather learn to become positive and self-driven contributors in the learning community as well as the greater society. The idea of controlling children is so ridiculous and impossible, and even if or when it does work, it leaves them with no internal regulation to help them function when they are alone. So when will they learn that they are capable of being responsible and regulating themselves? Trying to control children does such a disservice to their development into thoughtful adults.
I recently decided that I wanted to take my practice and understanding of positive discipline to the next level by becoming a trainer, so that I will be better equipped to share it with others and ultimately lead workshops for teachers and parents.

Questions from French Publisher

Positive Discipline is spreading around the world. A Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator who lives in Paris is looking for a French Publisher for Positive Discipline. The publisher asked the following questions, which are followed with my answers:

1) Give me a definition of Positive Discipline and its goals.

2) What makes this book so popular in the US?

Positive Discipline provides parents and teachers with non-punitive and non-permissive methods that help children develop self-discipline, responsibility, respect, and problem-solving skills. 

I think the reason it is so popular is that it works.  Brain research is now letting us know why. Children don't learn in an environment of threat that activates the midbrain (fight or flight). Children learn in an environment of connection that activates the rational brain. Two major themes of Positive Discipline are Connection before Correction and Focusing on Solutions.

I'm not sure why Positive Discipline is popular in the US, but it could be because every chapter provides many tools that parents and teachers can use instead of punishment or permissiveness. These tools are designed to meet the 5 Criteria for Positive Discipline:

1.  Helps children feel a sense of connection? (Belonging and Significance)

2.  Is kind and firm at the same time (Respectful and Encouraging)

3.  Is effective long-term, (See the following two criteria)

4.  Teaches valuable social and life skills for good character? (Respect, concern for others, problem-solving, cooperation)

5.  Invites children to discover how capable they are?  (Encourages the constructive use of personal power and autonomy)

I believe every parent and teacher would prefer to avoid punishment and rewards if they know what else they could do to influence children to develop Nos. 1, 4, and 5 of the above criteria.