Letter of Intent to become a Certified Positive Discipline Associate

After taking a two-day Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way workshop to become a Certified Positive Discipline Parent Education, some participants decide they want more training to become a Certified Positive Discipline Associate. (More info at www.positivediscipline.org) To begin the process they write a Letter of Intent. I was so moved by Julia Tomes letter that I asked her permission to share it on my blog.

Dear Positive Discipline Community,

     I can't remember how I first happened upon a copy of Positive Discipline, by Dr. Jane Nelson, but somehow it found it's way into my hands during my third year of teaching. I was starting at a new school in a new district.  All I remember thinking was that I wished that I had the book the year before.  Prior to coming to this school I was teaching an alternative middle school program for students in 6-8^th grade who were having difficulty with the traditional school setting.  They would spend half their day in the “regular” school and then get bused over to me for the other half.  I had two classes of students, morning and afternoon.  These were students who were disaffected, defiant, abusive, angry, and had no sense of belonging.  As a second year teacher, they burned me out.  I worked hard to give them some meaning and a sense of belonging, but I know that if I had Positive Discipline in my tool box, that year would have been so much better. 

     I read Positive Discipline and loved it, but I didn't internalize it.  I was busy and didn't realize that I was holding a treasure box in my hands.  I started doing class meetings, but not really following the method.  They went well, but not as well as I would have liked.  I put the book on the shelf along with all my other teaching books and, frankly, forgot about it. 

     After teaching for 7 years my husband and I started our family.  I decided to stay home, cleared out my classroom and put all the books on the shelves at home.  I was quickly swallowed up by babies, nursing, changing diapers, and sleep deprivation.  I was fortunate enough to have an amazing group of women with whom I formed a mother's group.  They were all advocates of Positive Discipline and I remembered that dusty book on my shelf.  I finally reread it after my second child was born and we began to implement it at home.  We started family meetings with my daughter when she was 4 and now that my son is 4, he participates as well. 

      My husband found Jane's blog on the internet and put in on the home page of my computer.  I then learned that there were classes and workshops on Positive Discipline that people could take.  I was especially intrigued by the idea of becoming trained to work with parents in the method and I couldn't get it out of my mind.  The idea was planted and it continued to nag and pull at me.  When my husband lost his job in the fall of 2008, the pearl of an idea grew larger and larger as I thought about going back to work.  Never have I found a parenting method which was so in-line with my beliefs about people, human nature, and children.  It was so respectful and caring, and taught children and parents how to make choices and problem solve.  Coming from a family which was loving but authoritarian, this was all so appealing.  It seemed such a natural fit with my teaching experience, my love for children, and my knowledge and experience now as a parent.  

     Last February, 2009, I went to Seattle to attend the workshop “Teaching Parenting The Positive Discipline Way” taught by Melanie Miller in Kirkland, Washington.  It was wonderful and I came home empowered to begin working with parents. At the training I met another woman who lives in Portland and we collaborated to begin teaching classes together.  This past fall we taught our first 7 week class at my daughter's elementary school.  Right now I am preparing to teach my second class to begin in February.  I will be teaching this one on my own as my colleague is overwhelmed by a recent move and two very young children.  I feel fortunate to have her support as well as Melanie's as I move into this next class.

    It is my hope to become a Positive Discipline Associate.  I would like to continue teaching classes at my children's school for as long as there is interest.  Eventually I would love to be able to offer support to more families where parenting resources are less available.  As a teacher I have seen more than I care to remember of difficult family situations for children and I feel that so often parents feel lost and alone when trying to raise children.  Adding poverty, a very young age, and/or little education to the equation only exacerbates this for parents.   I am also interested in helping get Positive Discipline into more schools in our region.  We have one P.D. Certified school here in Portland and it would be wonderful to see that number grow.  I feel the possibilities as a Positive Discipline Associate are numerous.  Right now, I'm very happy working with the parents in my immediate community and hope to continue working on my skills as a parent group leader.  It will be wonderful to have the support of the Positive Discipline Community if I am accepted into the training.

Sincerely,

Julia Tomes

Put Them in the Same Boat: A Positive Discipline Tool Card

Put Them in the Same Boat

My son Brad Ainge is choosing a tool card a week from the deck of Positive Discipline Tool Cards and sharing his efforts to follow the advice on each card in his blog: http://www.singledadbrad.com/  I’ve been raving about his blog and telling everyone to read it because he is such a good writer—funny and heartwarmingly real.

I’ve decide to do a blog on his blog, either sharing articles I have written on the tool card he chooses, or responding directly to his musings, or both.  I have picked a touchy one to start with—one on which, as Brad shares, we disagree. He’ll soon discover that we really don’t.                                                                         You might want to read Brad’s blog first on “Put Them in the Same Boat” to make sense of mine.

After reading Brad’s blog, I realize we don’t really disagree.  Staying out of fights is not the same as “not being around” when the fights take place. Actually, parents should not stay out of fights until they have taught their children problem-solving skills through family meetings and other one-on-one problem solving sessions.

Focus on Solutions

            My favorite way to “put kids in the same boat” is to guide them to focus on solutions.

"What ideas do you kids have to solve this problem?"

                    "Which one of you would like to put this on our family meeting agenda."

                    "I have faith in you two to work this out."  (Of course, you have been teaching them lots of problem-solving skills.)

                    "Pig pile!" as you jump on both of them and wrestle them to the ground."

                    "Would it help you both to go to your 'positive time-out' spaces until you can access your rational brains to work on a solution." (Of course, you have taught them about the brain, and how they go into their 'fight/flight response' when they are upset, and taking time to calm down allows them to access their rational brains again--and that is why it is so helpful to have a positive time-out area that helps them feel better.)

                    None of these suggestions involve neglect or punishment, and it isn’t really staying out of children’s fights. It is getting involved in a way that let’s them know you love them both, and you guide them toward finding solutions.

Belonging and Significance

            Most fighting involves issues of "belonging and significance.” From a kid’s point of view, it is difficult to understand that parents have more than enough love to go around. They think they have to compete for the love. So, they do what politicians do—put the other party down so they can look better. Adler or Dreikurs called it "deflating to inflate"--try to make yourself look good by making someone else look bad. Or, one child might “provoke” another child. The parent doesn’t see this. All he sees is the provoker clobbering the provokee. So the parent gets on the case of the provoker, not realizing that he has just reinforced the idea the provoker has that the way to be special is to get the provokee in trouble.

      The way parents interfere in fights, often increases the competition. When they take one child's side, they reinforce the idea that parents can love only one child at a time—so the competition increases. This is why we suggest that you "put children in the same boat" and treat them the same. By the same, we mean don't take sides. You don't really know who started it anyway. You don't see the subtle things one child might do to provoke another child into "reacting." So, put them in the same boat to "focus on solutions."

            If they up the ante—trying to get the same response they are used to—it may be best to walk away saying, “I have faith in you to solve this problem,” or “both of you go to your corners until you feel better so you can do better.” If you are afraid there will be violence when they are left together, put them in the same boat by saying, “Kids, you’ll need to separate until you are ready to find a solution. Eventually they might learn that cooperation is a better way to find belonging and significance than competition.

Instead of Saying No, Try:

I was very pleased to discover Dr. Annie Castle’s blog on Positive Discipline. She has kindly given me permission to post an excerpt from her blog on by blog. Thank you Annie for this excellent list of suggestions. J

http://teacherannieexplores.blogspot.com

by Annie Castle Deckert, M.Ed.Psych

Silicon Valley, California

This thing called “positive discipline” really does work. Most parents realize that a positive, respectful approach has great long-term benefits for their child because it builds self-discipline and self esteem.

But putting positive discipline into practice in-the-moment isn’t easy. Many, many parents tell me they just forget what to say and do when they are tired, frustrated, or busy.  For most of us, it takes deliberate practice.  Having a sort of “script” to think about at first can help.

Certainly, you don’t want to use anyone else’s words all the time, because that won’t be YOU, and the most important thing you can give your children is yourself. But following positive examples is a good way to start.  Perhaps the following examples will give you some ideas and starting points:

  

INSTEAD OF SAYING NO, TRY:

USING POSITIVE LANGUAGE

“You can throw the ball outside.”

BEING A ROLE MODEL

“Here.  I’ll share this toy with you.”

SETTING FIRM BOUNDARIES WHEN NEEDED

“I will not let you hurt other people.”

TEACHING SKILLS

“Try asking your brother for a turn.”

PROVIDING OTHER WAYS OF COPING

“Want to read a book with me while you’re waiting for a turn?”

RESPECTING FEELINGS

“I can tell that you are very upset right now.”

GIVING INFORMATION

“Pets are animals that need a gentle touch.”

STAYING CLOSE WHEN NEEDED

“I will be right here to help you play with your friends.”

GIVING APPROPRIATE CHOICES

“Would you like to brush your teeth before your bath, or after?”

OBSERVING, AND HELPING BEFORE A PROBLEM STARTS

“I’ll help put some toys away so there’s more room to play.”

HELPING CHILDREN LEARN EMPATHY

“I can see that both of you love doing puzzles!”

POINTING OUT THE EMOTIONAL CUES OF OTHERS

“When you look at his face, can you tell what he’s feeling?”

PROVIDING MANY WAYS OF EXPRESSION

“Would you like to draw a picture or build a sand sculpture about how sad you feel?”

PROVIDING VOCABULARY

“It looks like you might be feeling frustrated.”

UNDERSTANDING THAT CHILDREN NEED TO MOVE

“Let’s run to the playground!”

INVOLVING CHILDREN IN IMPORTANT JOBS

“I need some help with these heavy water bottles!”

PROVIDING COMFORT

“You can sit here with me for awhile if you want.”

UNDERSTANDING A CHILD’S DEVELOPMENT

“Mom and I are still eating but you’re finished. Would you like to be excused to play with your toys now?”

BEING POLITE

“Thank you for sharing your snack with me.”

OFFERING SIMPLE SENSORY AND ART EXPERIENCES EVERY DAY

“It looks like working with the clay helped you feel better.”

BEING PATIENT- LEARNING TAKES TIME

“I can tell that you are working hard to wait politely for a turn.”

ASKING OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

“How could we make that work?”

LETTING CHILDREN SOLVE PROBLEMS

“What do you think we can do about this?”

HAVING AGE-APPROPRIATE EXPECTATIONS

“We’ll go shopping another day when you’re not tired.”

Positive Discipline lecture in Atlanta

It is so gratifying to hear a success story after a lecture. Following is an email I received the day after presenting in Atlanta. Terry gave me permission to share her comments here.

Jane,
I wanted to let you know that I attended your seminar Wednesday night in Atlanta. I have a 2 1/2 and a 5 1/2 year old. Thursday morning when I woke up and got the kids up, I used some of the tools that you taught. I kept the TV off (which I thought would become an issue right away) and when things started to escalate at the breakfast table and also when we were trying to get out of the house on time, I diffused the situation with many of your suggestions rather than adding fuel to the fire with yelling (like I tend to do). My kids and I took on this new transformation and NOTHING blew out of control. It was such a pleasant morning. I felt calm and I'm sure my kids did too. Thank you for the wonderful 2 hours. I am excited for our family to continue using these tools!
Terry Brooks

Article in Esquire Magazine on Positive Discipline and Obama

Esquire Magazine has a great article on parenting technique -Positive Discipline and How Obama runs the country, written by Tom Junod http://tinyurl.com/y9dsvhj  

I wrote the follow response to Tom:

Tom, I absolutely loved reading your article. Had to laugh out loud at times.  Your comparisons to Obama and Positive Discipline are brilliant. Now I know why I like Obama so much. Of course I'm very curious to know the name of your Positive Discipline instructor.

One other thing concerns me. Years ago I should have trademarked Positive Discipline. When I tried, a company in Texas (Walk the Talk) that does trainings for corporations had already trademarked the name. They gave me permission to use it for parenting--a good thing since I had already published several Positive Discipline books by then. The problem is that they did not enforce their trademark and now there are a gazillion parenting programs that use the Positive Discipline name--and many are based on Behaviorism (punishment and reward). You have provided a lot of publicity for Positive Discipline. I just hope people find the right one. :-)

In any case, it is a pleasure to be associated with such an "enlightened" article. I would love to meet you some day.

Most sincerely, Jane

Positive Discipline Evidence Based

The reason I have used Positive Discipline (based on the work of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs), in my own life and to share with others, is that it works. Thousands of parents have shared with me that it works for them to improve their relationships with their children and to help their children learn self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation and problem-solving skills. Still, many organizations cannot adopt programs unless that are “evidence based” or have the designation of “best practices.” Achieving best practices can be very expensive, involving extensive research.

Finally, Dr. Jody McVittie, a Certified Positive Discipline Associate has completed research described in the following press release.

*** For Immediate Release *** For Immediate Release ***

A new study released this week shows that parenting classes are helping parents create the kind of family that they want.  The study, The Impact of Adlerian-Based Parenting Classes on Self-Reported Parental Behavior, was conducted over a 3-year period by Jody McVittie, M.D. and Al M. Best, Ph.D. with the assistance of 69 parent educators across the US and Canada, utilizing data from 110 classes (1300 parent and care-givers).  The parenting class curricula were experiential and primarily from the Positive Discipline or the Parent Encouragement Program.

By the end of the class, parents reported that they were more able to set clear limits, more able to connect with their children in positive ways. They also were able to decrease hitting and yelling.  Many of the respondents added comments at the end of the post class survey that indicated that they were pleased with the changes in their families. Typical comments included: “My own anger level and frustration has decreased.” “I have a better relationship with my children.” “There is less yelling now.” “Fewer power struggles now.” “We have more fun as a family.” “I enjoy parenting more.” “I’m better at problem solving.” ”I have more confidence in my parenting skills.” ”I calm myself down instead of reacting.” “I’m remaining firm in my limits.”  “I have more hope for who my child will become.” “We have more fun as a family.” “I enjoy parenting more.” ”I respect myself more and my children more.”

Previous research documents the long term benefits of parenting that is both firm and caring.  This kind of parenting, called “authoritative,” has been shown to reduce many social risks for children (smoking, early sexual debut, drinking, violence) and has been shown to be helpful for academic and social success.  This large new study provides one missing link, showing that parents can change their parenting styles in ways that will be helpful to their children long term and that the parents were quite happy with the changes.

Further research will be useful to establish that the changes that the parents report are long term.

A copy of the results summary is attached.  It may be reproduced, but for copyright reasons it can only represent a small portion of any article describing the research.

For more information please contact:

Jody McVittie, M.D. at: jody@encouragingsolutions.net or 206 782 1595

For copies of the Research:

McVittie, J. & Best, A., The Impact of Adlerian-Based Parenting Classes on Self-Reported Parental Behavior, Journal of Individual Psychology, Fall 2009, 65(3)  264-285. 

Published by the University of Texas Press, 800 252 3206, utpress@uts.cc.utexas.edu

P O Box 7819, Austin TX  78713-7819

Positive Discipline and Pampering: More on Kind and Firm and the Same Time

I know that people who are against punishment are drawn to Positive Discipline, but they often see only the kind part and take that kindness to the extreme. Why is it that human beings seem most comfortable when thinking in extremes? The pendulum seems to swing back and forth in argument for being very strict (firm) with children to the other extreme of being very lenient (kind) with children. Why is it so difficult to help parents see the value of being both kind and firm?

I keep hearing reports of children who have complete meltdowns when they can’t have their own way; of children who are obnoxiously demanding; of children who are hitting and screaming and threatening their parents. Much of this is normal testing as children find out what kind of power they have and don’t have. What is not normal is parents who are afraid of being firm for fear it will damage the psyche of their children for life. They “misuse” Positive Discipline parenting tools by being too kind without being firm. They are afraid to allow their children to “suffer.” Note that I said, “allow them to suffer,” not “make them suffer.” Let’s take the example of validating feelings.

            Sally had a temper tantrum because she wanted the toy her little brother had. Her mother said, “I can see you are really angry.” Sally continued to scream that she wanted the toy. Mother tried to reason with her, “Maybe you could wait your turn or find a toy to trade.” Sally continued her tantrum. Mom continued to validate her feelings and trying to comfort her.

            What would Positive Discipline look like? Mom might say, “I can see you are really upset,” ONCE. Then she might say, while leaving the room, “I have faith in you that you can handle this.” I would like to add that the last statement is more for the benefit of the mother than the child.  A huge part of being firm is for parents to stay “firm” in allowing children to experience their feelings instead of rescuing, fixing, and trying to make sure their children never suffer.

Parents need to have faith in their children to deal with the ups and downs of life and to know that this kind of “suffering” is good for their children. Children need to learn that they can’t always have what they want. What do they learn from this? That they are capable, that they can be resilient, that they can survive delayed gratification.

Being too kind can lead to demanding behavior in children—especially in a materialistic world. The answer is not to go to the other extreme of being too firm. The answer is to follow the age-old advice of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs (and taught by Positive Discipline) to be both kind and firm at the same time. It is okay to say, “I love you, and the answer is, ‘No.’”