Different Parenting Styles

Question:

Do you have any information that addresses the issue of differing parent styles in the home. ie one parent wants to use the positive parent style but the other wants to use rewards and punishments to control? What can the positive discipline parent do to when dealing with the issues that result from an "anti positive discipline" parenting style?

Thank you

Answer:

Since so many people ask this question, I wrote the following:

OPPOSITES ATTRACT: WHEN ONE PARENT IS KIND AND THE OTHER IS FIRM.

It is interesting to note that two people with these opposing philosophies often get married. One has a tendency to be just a little too lenient. The other has a tendency to be just a little too strict. Then the lenient parent thinks he or she needs to be just a little more lenient to make up for the mean old strict parent. The strict parent thinks he or she needs to be just a little more strict to make up for the wishy washy lenient parent—so they get further and further apart and fight about who is right and who is wrong. In truth they are both being ineffective.

One way to help children and parents learn effective communication is to have regular family meetings where they have an pportunity, on a weekly basis, to brainstorm for solutions to problems and to choose the solutions that are respectful to everyone. Focusing on solutions is one of the best ways for “opposites” to get closer together and be supportive of each other and their children, and is discussed in more detail in chapter six of Positive Discipline..

Class Meetings—So Many Benefits

I feel passionately about the value of class meetings in schools and family meetings in homes to teach children many valuable social and life skills for good character. They learn to listen to each other and to value differences. They learn to help each other by focusing on solutions to problems that are respectful to all concerned. They learn that they can be accountable for their mistakes because they won’t experience blame or shame. Instead they will get help from their fellow students during the brainstorming process for solutions. They can then choose the solutions they think will be most helpful.

However, class meetings aren’t about perfection. They don’t provide magic pills that solve all problems immediately. Learning the skills for effective class meetings takes time just as reading, writing, and arithmetic take time—and when practiced skills improve and deepen.

The following Q and A provides an example of the joys and frustrations that can be experienced when first implementing class meetings.

Class Meetings Working Except for One Child

Question:

We implemented the class meeting format in November and the kids love it. They are coming up with real strategies that are helping one another. I have a lot of confidence and am happy with the results with most of the children except for one. A young girl age 6, grade 2, youngest child. She has difficultly dealing with other children and often displays a goal of Misguided Power or Revenge. She is often violent with the other children. I have started sharing special time with her, and giving her purposeful jobs that allow her to play a positive helper role with the other kids.

I myself however am still confused. You talk about firmness. When she acts out violently I let her know that the behavior is unacceptable and ask if she needs some time to cool off. She is often able to apologize after and can see that her behavior was inappropriate. I feel that the violence is not getting better. The kids are all asking why she is not being held accountable for her actions. We discuss it at class meetings and the other kids identify her behavior as attention seeking and often offer to work with her or ask for her help but it doesn’t seem to be working. I am lost in my follow through here. Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you so much

Raegan

Answer:

Hi Reagan,

In my experience, there is always one child in every classroom who decides to be the challenging student. If that child should happen to move, it seems that another child is happy to take that role.

I remember sitting in one classroom where "Phillip" was discussed in 3 of the 4 items on the agenda. I asked Phillip if he felt the kids were helping him or ganging up on him. He grinned and said they were helping him. Later I asked the teacher if he saw any improvement in Phillip. He admitted, "Not much, but a huge improvement in the other children. They used to see Phillip ask the scapegoat and blame him for everything. Now they really try to help him. Phillip gives them lots of opportunities to practice their skills.

Keep doing the wonderful things you are doing and focus on improvement instead of expecting perfection.

I would love to hear some examples of other problems that children have solved.

Jane Nelsen

Disciplina Positiva

Disciplina Positiva, the Spanish translation of the 2006 edition of Positive Discipline is now available at http://www.empoweringpeople.com/ Stay tuned for an announcement of the audio book now being edited.

While visiting http://www.empoweringpeople.com/ take a few minutes to watch the video clip of H. Stephen Glenn. Steve is so funny and entertaining as he provides valuable parenting information for Developing Capable Young People.

I was very pleased to find such an excellent review of Positive Time Out and 50 Ways to Avoid Power Struggles in Homes and Classrooms at

http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/positive-time-out-and-over-50-ways-avoid-power-struggles-home-and-classroom

This is a favorite book of many who appreciate how short it is while providing so many Positive Discipline parenting and teaching tools.

Dawdler

Question

I have 5 children, 9, 7, 5, 2, and 6 months. My oldest son is 7. It seems that of all of my children, he is the one I have the most trouble with now. For example, I send him to get ready for bed and he just dawdles around in his room. And if I don't remind him over and over again what he is was sent to do, he just dawdles around for a never-ending amount of time it seems. This seems to be the case for most any task that I give him to do. If he is sent on an errand, he quickly forgets what it was he was supposed to be doing and never returns. Is this normal age appropriate behavior? Should I not let it bother me so much? Heidi

Answer:

Dear Heidi, This is normal behavior for many children (they are all different—as you know) AND there are parenting tools you could use that might help. 1) Try creating a routine chart with him? This means that you sit down with him and take dictation while he lists all the things he needs to do at bedtime. If he forgets something, you can chime in. Have him rank order his list. Then take digital pictures of him doing each task and paste them on his "routine chart" (or ask if he would rather draw pictures or symbols after each task). Then let him post his chart where he can see it. Do not add stickers or rewards which take away from the inner reward of feeling capable. 2) One other tool I'll mention is the use of family meetings where he can get help from everyone in the family who can brainstorm solutions--and then he can choose the solution he thinks would work best for him. Of course there are many, many more ideas in the Positive Discipline books. I think you will enjoy watching the video of H. Stephen Glenn on the home page of http://www.empoweringpeople.com/ and listening to some of the free podcasts at http://www.positivediscipline.com/ for more ideas. I wish you the best.

Jane Nelsen

2 ½ year-old Fears

Question:

I recently read your book, Positive Discipline: The First Three Years and I cannot tell you how much better I understand my 2 1/2 year old son! I was hoping you could direct me toward some reading material, or even offer a suggestion though. He is a very bright boy, happy at home. However, he is constantly telling us he is "scared" of other kids, and sometimes adults too. It seems to really hold him back socially. We had a psychologist meet with him, but she stated he is just high strung. I somehow think there is more to it... If you could point me in a new direction?

Thank you,

Erin

Answer:

Hi Erin, I can’t tell for sure since I don’t have more information, but I’m going to make some guesses. First let me tell you that this will pass. The less energy you give it, the quicker it will pass.

1. It could be that he really has “decided” to be scared for whatever reason he has made up. Still, to him, the fear is real. The best you can do is comfort him briefly; validate his feelings, “I can see that you are very scared of this;” and then have faith in him to deal with his fear. He will learn that his fear will pass. It is very empowering for children to learn that they can deal with the ups and downs of life. When parents rescue and pamper, children don’t have the opportunity to develop resilience and a sense of their own capability. If you pay too much attention to his fears (give them too much energy) that could lead to the next guess.

2. It could be that he has learned that being scared is a good way to get lots of “undue attention” from you. If this is the case, I would still give the same recommendations as above. You might add problem-solving by asking him for his ideas on how to deal with his fears.

For even more ideas I have included an excerpt from Positive Discipline A-Z by Jane Nelsen, Lynn Lott, and H. Stephen Glenn, which also provides an example of how this books provides many possible solutions for just about any behavior challenge you can think of.
Fears (Children)

“My child has nightmares and complains about monsters in his room. He seems so fragile compared to other children his age. He’s afraid to leave my side. This doesn’t seem normal to me.”

Understanding Your Child, Yourself, and the Situation

“A bruised knee can mend, but bruised courage lasts a lifetime.”1 Sometimes children have fears because we don’t help them deal with the unknown by showing them how to do things in small steps. Most children have some fears, but they become bigger when others make fun of them, call them babies, or tell them that it’s not okay to be scared or to cry, or label them as “overly-sensitive.” Fears also get bigger when parents feel sorry for children and try to over-protect them. Then children don’t develop the confidence that they can handle some discomfort.

Fear is usually about the unknown (which is why a fear of the dark is common and usually passes). However, at other times children have good reason (such as bullies or sexual abuse) to be afraid. It’s your job to know when to protect your children and when to help them without over- protecting them.

Suggestions

Don’t laugh at, minimize, judge, or discount your children’s fears. Contrarily, don’t over-indulge or over-protect or try to explain away your child’s fears.

Listen when your children tell you what they are afraid of. Verify their feelings, such as saying, “You’re afraid of dogs because they might bite you, and you wish the dog would go away and leave you alone.” Sometimes, just having their feelings validated is enough to lessen the fear.
Help your children find ways to handle situations when they are afraid. Help them explore several possibilities so they feel they have some choices. You might ask, “What would help you the most right now--a flashlight, a teddy bear, or a nightlight?” Telling them not to be afraid isn’t helpful; looking for solutions is.

Don’t be manipulated by your children’s fears. Offer comfort, but don’t give them special service or try to fix their feelings for them. It is important for children to learn that they can handle their fears, even though it is uncomfortable. Help them problem solve (as above) so they learn they can handle their fears themselves. Letting children sleep with you when they are afraid is a subtle way of saying, “You can’t handle this. Let me fix it for you.”

Encourage your children to deal with difficult situations in small steps. If they are afraid of the dark, put a night light in their room. If they don’t think they can sleep in their own rooms, fill their hands with your kisses and tell them every time they miss you to open their hands and take out a kiss. If they think there are monsters in the closet or under the bed, do a search with them before bedtime and let them sleep with a flashlight.

Listen carefully. Are your children trying to tell you that someone is hurting them or that you are doing something that is frightening them? Take what they say seriously.
Sometimes children’s fears are irrational and they can’t explain them. They may need your support and reassurance until the fear goes away.

Planning Ahead to Prevent Future Problems

There are many wonderful children’s books dealing with fears that you can read with your children so they can see they aren’t alone.

If there is a scary show on television or a scary movie, discuss ahead of time with your child whether it is a good idea for him to see it. If you both agree he is ready to watch, discuss how you can be supportive. (See Booster Thought 1.)

Don’t lay your fears on your children. If your children decide they are ready to try something, work with them in small steps to make it safe and then let go instead of stopping them from doing things you are afraid of yourself. If you’re too afraid, arrange for a friend or relative to do the activity with your child.

It’s okay to share your fears, but don’t expect your children to have the same ones you do. Telling your children about a fear that you conquered may be comforting to them. It will assure them that fears are normal.

Ask your children if they would be willing to try out scary things two to three times before deciding against them.

Don’t push your children into doing things they are afraid of such as swimming or riding a horse. Some parents insist that their children do these things in spite of their fears and create lifetime fears in their children, as well as a strong feeling of inadequacy.

Turn off the TV and stop immersing your kids in the news which is filled with violence and natural disasters. Too much TV has been the trigger for many children’s fears, and rightly so.

Life Skills Children Can Learn

Children can learn that it’s okay to feel fear, but they don’t have to be immobilized by it. There is someone who will take them seriously and help them deal with their fears so they aren’t so overwhelming. They learn they can trust their parents to protect them from dangers they can’t handle by themselves.

Parenting Pointers

If your children are afraid to leave your side, spend time with them, but also create situations where they can be away from you for short times. Many a preschool teacher has had to pull clinging, screaming children off their parents’ legs. Minutes later, with the parents gone, the children have settled in and are happily playing with the other children.

Don’t force your children into situations that are overwhelming to them just so they will be brave. Some children learn by jumping into the pool, and others watch from the sidelines for a summer before they put their faces in the water. Respect their differences and have faith.

Booster Thoughts

Ten-year-old Lisa decided she wanted to watch Halloween III, an extremely scary movie. Her parents said they thought the movie was too scary, but she insisted on watching it. No one in her family wanted to watch the movie with her, so Lisa decided she would watch it by herself. Her parents said they would be in the next room, and if she got scared, she could come in for reassurance.

Lisa’s mother made her a bowl of popcorn, and her father helped her carry in her stuffed animals and special quilt. He turned on all the lights at Lisa’s request and left the room as the movie began.

About ten minutes later, Lisa came into the living room and said, “I don’t think I’m really in the mood to watch that movie tonight. Maybe I’ll watch it another time.”

Some children do what they really don’t want to do so they can win the power struggle with their parents. Lisa’s parents supported her to learn for herself how much she could handle.

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Mistakes are Opportunities to Learn

Question:

It is only today that I've discovered your website, a day after my husband and I have already told our 11 year old son that as a consequence to two pretty severe behavioral issues, he was not going to be able to participate in an upcoming motorcycle race, or to sleep over at a friends' house for Halloween. I am now realizing after scouring your website, that taking away privileges, isn't the best method; and we certainly didn't agree in advance what limits would be set, and what would happen. My concern however, is that if we don't follow through with the "punishment" that has been set, that we will have totally missed an opportunity to impart the seriousness of his behavior, and our ability to stick to our plan. Help? Olivia

Answer:

Olivia, in my opinion you would be more effective and teach your child many valuable life skills by admitting you unknowingly made a mistake. Then let him know you would like to work WITH him to find a solution. Then ask him if he knows what his mistakes were, what he learned from them, and what ideas he has to solve the problems that would work better than punishment. I'm sure you can see how much more he will learn from this. Before you start, remember the new Positive Discipline theme: Connection before Correction. Let him know how much to love him before you start this conversation.

Child Alienating Friends

Question:

Hi,

My daughter will soon be 8. We have a great relationship and are very close. She is having difficulty at school. Sometimes with her friends she is like a different person to how she is at home, she becomes very bossy and sometimes possessive of her best friends. Unfortunately it is making some of the other girls dislike her and leave her out, not inviting her to parties etc. I don’t know how to deal with the situation and how to stand back in a positive light rather than feeling like I want to tell these kids off for being so mean. It’s a difficult situation as really she is being over enthusiastic and I feel misinterpreted. I don’t have any problems at home and the flip side is that my laid back 6-year-old girl is Miss popular in her class. Help how can I help her to be liked?

Answer:

Hi Vanessa, One of the most difficult things for mothers to do is just step back and allow children to learn from their experiences. But it is usually the most effective. You might find the following excerpt from Positive Discipline A-Z helpful.

Video about Positive Discipline A-Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWxjZQIygcc

Friends (Choosing)

“I have one child who complains that she doesn’t have any friends. Another child keeps choosing friends I don’t like. How do I help my children make friends with children I approve of?”
Understanding Your Child, Yourself, and the Situation

We often forget to honor the different styles and personalities of our children and try to make them all fit one mold. This tendency can be most blatant when it comes to the secret dream of most parents--to have popular children. Some children are quiet and passive, some are active and assertive, some choose conventional lifestyles, and some choose unique lifestyles. The following suggestions focus on meeting the true needs of the situation--to help your children honor the uniqueness of each individual and feel comfortable with who they are.

Suggestions

Allow your children to choose their own friends, but help your kids have contact with others their age by signing them up for after school activities and driving them to sleep-overs and play dates. When your kids are young, arrange play dates for them at your house, too.
If your child chooses a friend you don’t like, invite that person into your home often and hope that the love and values you practice will be beneficial to him or her.
If you are afraid a friend you don't approve of will have a negative influence on your child, focus on being a positive influence through a good relationship with your child. It is okay to express your concerns as long as you are sharing ideas and not giving orders.
When your child has a fight with a friend, listen empathetically, but do not interfere. Have faith in your child to handle the fight. (See Fighting, Friends.)

Don’t worry about whether your child has the right number of friends. Some prefer just one best friend; some like to be part of a large group of friends.

If your child complains that he or she has no friends, practice your listening skills. Try rephrasing your child’s complaint using feeling words, such as, “You’re pretty upset right now because you don’t think you have any friends. Did something happen today between you and your friends at school?” Often children will catastrophize and speak in absolutes, when what they are really trying to say is that they are having a problem with one of their friends. Be a good listener to help your child think through the situation out loud.

Planning Ahead to Prevent Future Problems

Help children who have difficulty making friends by exposing them to many opportunities, such as trips to the park, Scouts or other youth groups, and church groups.
Do not expect your children to enjoy the children of your friends or insist that they play together if your kids don’t enjoy their company. Find time to spend with your friends without subjecting your children to feeling stuck having to play with kids they don’t like or with whom they don’t have anything in common.

Go along with your child’s wishes about clothing styles so he/she won’t be embarrassed about not fitting in.

Make your home a place where kids love to come because they experience unconditional love, safe and respectful rules, and plenty of fun, child-oriented activities.

If you have issues about having enough friends yourself, don’t worry about your child having the same problem or project your experience onto your child. Be careful not to put your judgments about friendships on to your children. You may think friends are forever while your child may enjoy moving in and out of different groups of friends. Be a good observer and see how your child handles friendships.

Children don’t like to bring friends home when one or more of their parents is chemically dependent, because they are embarrassed and fear what they might walk into with their friend. If someone in your family suffers from chemical dependence, get help, because your children will be missing out on a lot if they are afraid to bring friends home.

Life Skills Children Can Learn

Children can learn that their parents are their best friends because they love them unconditionally, value their uniqueness, and have faith in them to choose friends that are right for them. Their friends can feel safe around their parents because they offer guidance without lectures and judgments.

Parenting Pointers

If your child is consistently choosing friends of whom you do not approve, look at your relationship with your child. Are you being too controlling and inviting her to prove you can’t control everything? Is your child feeling hurt by your criticism and lack of faith in her and trying to hurt back by choosing friends you don’t like?

Have faith in your children and honor who they are. Try to make the people your children choose as friends welcome at your home, even if they are not the friends you would choose.
Your children may be making decisions about friends based on how you treat your friends. Are you acting how you would like your children to act?

Booster Thoughts

Peers don’t make children what they are. Children choose their peer group as a reflection of where they are at the time. Drop a skater into a high school, and he’ll find the other skaters by noontime. The same is true for cheerleaders, jocks, and brains. (And even as adults, when we go to a party, we tend to seek out people who have similar interests and avoid those who don’t.)

Sometimes teens think their lives are over if they don’t have a friend. Often we overemphasize the importance of having friends, so that children who choose to be alone feel uncomfortable with that choice, because they “should have friends,” rather than learning to be a friend to themselves.

Defiance: Where does it come from?

Question:

Dear Jane:

My daughter is 7 3/4. This morning, she left the house and walked to school without saying a word. What is an appropriate disciplinary action for this? I feel that the issues are:

1) Anxiety: in me & her Kindergarten Brother - every morning we walk to school as a family, she snuck out the back door and headed to school. Meanwhile, my son and I were calling around the house, and looking around our property for her. We walked to school hoping that she would be there. My son was worried that Madison would be afraid if we're at school and she was still home. I knew she would be there, but in the back of my mind I did have worry about her safety.

2) Defiance: I believe part of her sneaking out without saying anything was an act of defiance. Earlier she had hit her brother and taken his Pokemon cards away. I had previously told her not to touch his cards while they were getting ready for school - we have a rule about no playing with toys while getting ready or they get taken away and put in my room. After the incident I asked her to give me her Pokemon cards - which she said were lost. I then asked her to think about what else of hers I could hold on to until she figures out how to stop hitting her brother and playing with cards while getting ready.

I was thinking that one angle might be to talk to her about what it means to be in the family, including the privileges; pack up some of her "things", and give her the opportunity to act like a part of the family and earn her things back.

Looking forward to your insight. Jill

Answer:

Hi Jill,

A new theme of Positive Discipline is "Connection before Correction." The first thing you need to do is make a connection with your daughter. There are several ways to do this.

1. Make sure the message of love gets through: Honey, I really love you and I need your help to figure out how to solve this problem.
2. Validate her feelings: Sweetie, I'm wondering if you are feeling angry about what happened this morning? I wonder if it hurt your feelings when I yelled at you and you wanted to hurt me back by leaving without telling me.
3. Name what is going on and take responsibility for your part: I think we are in a power struggle or a revenge cycle and I'm wondering what I have done to create this. Maybe I'm being too bossy and focusing on punishment instead of having faith in you to work out solutions.
4. Try a hug.

Okay, you may be wondering, after the connection--then what? After a connection has been made, children (and adults) exit their mid brain mentality (fight or flight) and enter their rational minds where positive learning can take place. During this time you can focus on a solution instead of a punishment (even if it is called appropriate disciplinary action): Honey, I really would like to hear your version of what happened this morning. I saw you hitting your brother and I'm wondering, and I'm wondering what happened before that. This is where it is important for you to just listen. Don't interrupt and give your explain your point of view. Don't tell her she shouldn't think of feel this way. Just listen and then validate her feelings. Then you can ask, "Would you be willing to hear what happened for me and why I was so upset?"

Children will listen to you AFTER they feel listened too--so long as you don't get into the lecture mode that include blame and shame.

This could be followed by focusing on solutions where both of you can figure out what will work. You might ask if she would like to brainstorm together for solutions right now, or put the problem on the family meeting agenda where the whole family can brainstorm for solutions.
First let me teach you about some preventative methods. If she is feeling defiant, are you willing to take a look at your part in creating that defiance?

It sounds to me like you are talking too much. You do a lot of telling instead of asking. Please look at the two lists below and decide which one might invite defiance if you were a child, and which one might invite cooperation and the opportunity for you to feel capable and responsible?

Telling Parent
Go brush your teeth.
Don't forget your coat.
Go to bed.
Do your homework.
Stop fighting with your brother.
Put your dishes in the dishwasher.
Hurry up and get dressed or you'll miss the bus.
Stop whining.
Pick up your toys.

Asking Parent
1. What do you need to do so your teeth will be squeaky clean?
2. What do you need to take so you will be warm outside?
3. What do you need to do to get ready for bed?
4. What is your plan for doing your homework?
5. What can you and your brother do to solve this problem?
6. What do you need to do with your dishes when you have finished eating?
7. What do you need to do so you catch the bus on time?
8. What words can you use so I can hear you?
9. What do you need to do with your toys when you are finished playing with them?

I hope you did find Positive Discipline A-Z so you can look up "Fighting" for many more ideas on how to deal with sibling rivalry. Please keep one thing in mind. You don't know what your son may have done to provoke your daughter. By taking sides you engage in victim/bully training. You son gets to feel loved by being the victim (and will master this role and learn more ways to provoke so he can get sympathy) and your daughter gets to feel like a defiant bully (and will master this role). Instead, try using the words "kids" or "children." "I have faith in you kids that you can work out this problem. Let me know when you have found a solution."

I hope you will start having regular family meetings so your children can learn many valuable social and life skills that will help them develop a sense that they are capable and have a lot to contribute with their good ideas for solving problems.

My best to you.