Demanding Child

Question:

I am a mother of 5 children aged 8, 7, 5, 4 and 8 months old. There are many things I could ask about but I have gained so much just through reading as much as I can through your website. As well as this, we plan to order at least one of your books when we can afford it.

However, something I have not come across yet and am desperate to have answered is this. My (just turned) 4 year old son is very difficult to live with and hard to figure out at the moment. Briefly put, firstly, he will speak over someone else in the family or try to override their will with his without paying any attention to what they need or want no matter how reasonable. For example, when I am talking on the telephone, (which isn't that often), he will talk to me or yell and demand for what he wants even though he knows I'm talking to somebody else, it's very embarrassing. If he wants his own way he will fight or make a scene to get it no matter who's around or where we might be at the time! We sometimes give in to him because it's just easier, more peaceful or if in town, less embarrassing than to fight it. But other times, I stand my ground with him and have to calmly and kindly carry him out of the room to gently hold him and calm him down. The second problem is this, lately he has taken to hitting me whenever he perceives that I am being "mean" to him which is usually over the slightest little thing, like me kindly correcting him with a lilt in my voice or asking him not to annoy his sisters or brothers. But worse than that, he is verbally abusing me at the same time. He repeatedly says he "hates" me, that I'm being "mean to him", that I don't love him, that I'm a "disgusting" mother, when all I've done is tried to love him by setting boundaries for him. He totally overreacts and misunderstands me and my intentions.

I've always had a strong bond with him as a baby and he's normally a very joyful, delightful, social, outgoing, gregarious child who loves to be the center of attention! He's always known I love him and when he's happy he's been the one child who'll always tell me how much he loves me and so forth. I'm sad and concerned as he's miserable and his behavior is such that I getting to the stage of feeling anxious when we are around other people incase he behaves in any one of these totally inappropriate ways mentioned above. Or sometimes, it will be overtly rude or foolish behavior like saying rude or inappropriate words or annoying, repetitive noises where I have to ask to be quiet or leave the room, which is always to no avail.

Any advice to help and understand my son is so welcomed and much appreciated! Thank you.

Jody

Answer:

Hi Jody, I can "hear" from you email what a good mom you are (and a busy one with five children) and how difficult and frustrating it is to deal with a challenging child. I can also tell that there is a lot going on that will be too difficult to explain in an email--it would take a book, but I will try a few concepts and suggestions.

As a mother of 5 children, you know (as do all mothers) that every child is born with different "temperaments" and little personalities. In the book, Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, we discuss temperament. Following is a brief summary:

Temperament and Development1[1]

Why Do They DO That?

Compiled from Positive Discipline the First Three Years and Positive Discipline for Preschoolers by Jane Nelsen, Cheryl Erwin, and Roslyn Duffy

A child’s behavior is the result of

individual temperament
emotional, physical, and cognitive development
what he or she has decided about how to find belonging and worth
Temperament is inborn and appears to remain constant throughout our lifespan. (See Chess and Thomas’s “Know Your Child”)

3. Behavior is a dance between temperament, development, and what your child believes about himself, you, and the world around you.
Temperament:

1. Activity Level
High activity -----------------------------------------------------Low activity

2. Rhythmicity (predictability of physical functions)
Predictable---------------------------------------------------------Unpredictable

3. Initial Response (reaction to something new)
Approach--------------------------------------------------------------Withdrawal

4. Adaptability (ability to adjust to change over time)
Adapts quickly------------------------------------------------------Adapts slowly

5. Sensory Threshold (sensitivity to sensory stimulation)
Very sensitive-------------------------------------------------------Less sensitive

6. Quality of Mood
Optimistic--------------------------------------------------------------Pessimistic

7. Intensity of Reactions (response to events)
Intense reactions--------------------------------------------------Mild reactions

8. Distractibility (willingness of a child to be distracted)
Highly focused--------------------------------------------------Easily distracted

9. Persistence and Attention Span (ability to stay focused on an activity for a length of time)
Persistent/long attention span------------------------------Gives up/short span
Parents have temperaments, too; “goodness of fit” refers to how well a parent’s temperament matches his or her child’s.

Effective parenting means planning for the child you actually have!
In the early years, a child’s behavior has more to do with development than with “misbehavior”; children are young and unskilled, and need discipline that teaches, rather than punishment.

No matter how old your child is, it is important to know your child!!

I'm sure you will find your little 4-year-old on the scale. My guess is that he also feeling "dethroned" by the new baby. He got to be the "youngest" for quite awhile. To watch a candle demonstration you might want to try to deal with "dethronement," go to http://janenelsen.com/video.html

Once you understand all this it is important to understand that you can't change him any more than you can change a petunia into a rose (he may alwyas be an "intense reactor") but you can do things to help him be the best he can be. The worst thing you can do is to give in to him. That teaches him that his methods work so you are engaging in tyrant training.

Some suggestions:

1. Keep doing many of the positive things you are doing--more consistently.

2. Don't worry about what other people think. I know this is difficult, but someone once asked me, "Do you want to be a good mother for the neighbors, or for your children?" That was a huge reminder to me to think more about what my children needed than what others thought.

3. Set up a special time with your son for 15 minutes a day. (It is a good idea to do this with all your chldren.) Then when he is demanding your time when you don't have it, you can say, "I'm busy now, but I sure am looking forward to our special time at 4:15." Then ignore his demands.

4. Ignore his demands a lot. Do the above or simply validate his feelings. "I know you really want that and you are so angry and upset that you can't have it now." Then ignore.

5. Let him have his feelings. Allow him to be upset and angry without thinking you have to rescue him or fix it for him. Children need to learn to develop their disappointment muscles so they learn confidence and resiliency--that they can handle the ups and downs of life.

6. Try hugs. For a great example of this, go to http://www.positivedisicpline.com/ and scroll down to the free podcasts and listen to # 39.

7. Start regular family meetings on a weekly basis so all of your children can learn so many valuable and social lifeskills such as looking for the positive by giving and receiving compliments and by focusing on solutions. All the Positive Dsicipline books have chapters on family meetings. You can also go to http://www.focusingonsolutions.com/ and order the ebook on the Family Meeting Album.

I wish you the best,

Morning Hassles and Power Struggles

Question:

Hi Jane,

My 4-year old recently started kindergarten and has to wear a school uniform. I tried to prepare her as much as I could over the summer about having to wear it for school. Thankfully we haven’t encountered any major issues in the morning when she has to put it on.

A couple of weeks ago however, we found out that the kids are going to be doing Judo once a week, and last week they were given their Judo uniforms, and the parents were asked to send the kids to school every Wed in the Judo uniform and pack their school uniform in the backpacks. Again, we talked about it, tried it on, and she seemed to be fine with the idea.

Well, this week when she had to put on her Judo uniform in the morning, the drama began. She REFUSED to wear it, so trying to give her a choice, I said she could either put it on and participate with her classmates, or she could put her school uniform instead, but she wouldn’t be able to participate, but that it was her choice. Well needless to say she wanted the best of both worlds. She wanted to wear her school uniform, and still be able to do her Judo class. I always feel like I’m walking that fine line between giving her choices (within limits) and adhering to certain policies (such as school policies). Also, these struggles ALWAYS happen when I’m racing against the clock to get to work in the morning, so more times than not, my patience inevitable runs out. I need some advice.

How could I have handled this? Any suggestions on dealing with these power struggles would be GREATLY appreciated!

Thank you,
Angie

Answer:

Angie,

When you give a choice you need to be okay with either choice and follow-through. Allow her to experience the consequences of her choice at school. When she cries and complains, simply validate her feelings. "I can see how upsetting that was." Then allow her to learn from the experience and decide what she will do next time without any lectures (especially in the “I told you so,” form from you.

You do offer another clue when you say these things happen when you are racing. One possible way to prevent the problem in the first place is to have her create a bedtime routine chart that includes laying out her clothes for the next morning. Is is fun for the kids to have pictures of themselves doing each task. Pictures for the "Laying out clothes for morning" could include one in her regular uniform and one in her Judo uniform. All you would need to ask is, "Since tomorrow is Wed, which uniform do you need to lay out tonight.

I'm sure you can see that helping her create her own bedtime routine with pictures helps her feel capable and allows her to use her power in useful ways so she doesn't feel the need to use it in "power struggles."

Best wishes,

Jane Nelsen

www.positivediscipline.com

Is Positive Discipline Permissive?

Question:

I love your books! They have taught me so much about parenting in a non putative way, very different from the way I was raised. I have two daughters 12 and 14, and my husband has two sons 11 and 15. He has an authoritarian mindset when it comes to discipline, and I am using the Positive Discipline techniques I learned from you. My daughters are used to the positive approaches I use, and when we blended they were shocked and resentful of their stepfather's approach. I have shown him your book and he agrees with some things, but other things he thinks are ridiculous, that they are too permissive and lets children do what they want. I have expressed my concerns with his approach with my daughters but he feels he should not have to change. I then resorted to asking him to just back off from disciplining my daughters because I am uncomfortable with his methods, and that I would handle the disciplining of the girls, and he refused. I am getting no where. Any thoughts?

I tried to find your book, Positive Discipline for Blended Families, but couldn't find it anywhere. Where can I get a copy?

Thanks!!!!!

Julie

Answer:

It is a common mistake for some to believe that Positive Discipline is permissive. In fact, many parents who are so against punishment may become permissive. However, I believe that permissiveness could be even more harmful to kids than punishment. Permissiveness creates weakness in children. They don't develop beliefs in their own capability and resiliency. They develop attitudes of entitlement and are very unpleasant to be around. They seem to think the world "owes them." They don't learn important social and life skills for self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation, respect for others, and problem-solving skills. So, I can certainly understand your husbands reluctance to go the permissive route. I'm not sure how to convince him that Positive Discipline is not permissive.

It might help if he read the article titled, "I was punished, and I turned out fine" that can be found at www.positivediscipline.com

Julie it might help if he understood that kindness and firmness are equally important in Positive Discipline. It might help if he understood that punishment is designed to make kids "pay" for what they have done, while Positive Discipline is designed to help children "learn" from what they have done by focusing on solutions. Positive Discipline helps children learn to use their power in "useful" ways through family meetings, choices, and focusing on solutions, so they don't use their power to rebel.

Most parents don't realize that even though punishment works short term to stop misbehavior, it has damaging long-term results in that children are left with a sense of doubt and shame or resentment and revenge. Parents don't understand that brain and how much more effective it is to wait until everyone has had time to calm down before discussing a problem. They don't understand how important it is to create a "connection before correction." Many research studies have shown that a sense of connection is the number one predictor of "good" behavior.

One other thing we point out in Positive Discipline for Step Families, is that both parents can feel comfortable engaging in discipline (not just the birth parent), when the discipline they use is kind and firm at the same time with a focus on teaching valuable social and life skills while helping children feel capable with the sense of self work in tact.

Three-year-old Love/Hate Relationship with Baby Brother

Question:

I have a 3-year-old daughter and 7-month-old son. Until now my daughter has been really gentle with the baby but in the last couple of weeks she has been "testing" out being a bit rougher with him (pinching his cheeks, hugging him a bit too tight, giving him a kiss but holding on until he cries.) I usually try to quietly remind her that if the baby is crying it means that he is feeling hurt and that she needs to loosen up her grip. I've asked her how she thinks it makes him feel and what else we could do to show him love. She kind of half listens with a grin and stays away for a little bit...until about 10 minutes later. I believe she is doing it to get my reaction, but I feel like I can't ignore it or say that they need to sort it out themselves. (Obviously the baby has no way to defend himself.)
Also, because he is starting to become mobile and grabbing for toys she is in the habit of grabbing the toys he is playing with away. I know that sharing is still a difficult thing for her age, but I just want to try and handle it in a way that helps out both children.
Any suggestions that you can provide would be great. I just finished your Positive Discipline book and have ordered the Positive Discipline for Preschoolers edition and can't wait to read it. I have already found the suggestions so helpful and a good reminder of the way I want to parent....from the heart but firmly.

Thanks so much, Christine

Answer:

Hi Christine,
What you describe is so classic that I could have written this script for how a "dethroned" child might behave to display her love/hate relationship with the "usurper" in her world. You might want to re-read the chapter on Birth Order in Positive Discipline as a reminder of how children make decisions about themselves based on their decisions of how to find their place in the family when they compare themselves to their perceptions of their siblings.
The following candle demonstration may help you understand her thinking and a way to deal with the belief behind her behavior.

Using Candles to Deal with the Belief Behind the Behavior

There is a belief behind every behavior, but we usually only deal with the behavior. Dealing with the belief behind the behavior does not mean you don't deal with the behavior. You are most effective when you are aware of both the behavior and the belief behind it.
The following is a classic example of the belief behind a behavior. Suppose you have a four-year-old boy whose mother goes off to the hospital and brings home a brand-new baby. What does the four-year-old see going on between Mom and the baby? -- Time and attention. What does your son interpret that to mean? -- Mom loves the baby more than me. What does the four-year-old do in an attempt to get the love back? -- He may act like a baby himself and cry a lot, ask for a bottle, and soil his pants.
Wayne Freiden's and Marie Hartwell Walker have created songs (Family Songs, (Available at www.focusingonsolutions.com) that help adults get into the world of children and understand the beliefs they could be dealing with based on their birth order. Their songs include seven different birth order positions. Following is one verse from the song, Number One:

Oh it's hard to be number one.
And lately it's just no fun at all.
Life was so nice, when there were three,
Mommy and Daddy and Me.
And now there's another.
And I don't like it one bit.
Send it back to the hospital
And let's just forget about it.

Four-year-old Becky, who could identify with this song. Becky was feeling dethroned by the birth of a baby brother, and was experiencing confusion about her feelings for the baby. Sometimes she loved him, and other times she wished he had never been born because Mom and Dad spend so much time with him. She didn't know how to get attention for herself, except to act like the baby.
One evening, when the baby was asleep, Becky's mom sat down at the kitchen table with her daughter and said, "Honey, I would like to tell you a story about our family." She had found four candles of varying lengths. "These candles represent our family." She picked up one long candle and said, "This is the mommy candle. This one is for me." She lit the candle as she said, "This flame represents my love." She picked up another long candle and said, "This candle is the daddy candle." She used the flame from the mommy candle to light the daddy candle and said, "When I married your daddy, I gave him all my love -- and I still have all my love left." Mom placed the daddy candle in a candle holder. She then picked up a smaller candle and said, "This candle is for you." She lit the smaller candle with the flame from her candle and said, "When you were born, I gave you all my love. And look. Daddy still has all my love, and I still have all my love left." Mom put that candle in a candle holder next to the daddy candle. Then she picked up the smallest candle and, while lighting it from the mommy candle, said, "This is a candle for your baby brother. When he was born I gave him all my love. And look -- you still have all my love. Daddy has all my love. And I still have all my love left because that is the way love Is. You can give it to everyone you love and still have all your love. Now look at all the light we have in our family with all this love." (To see a video of this demonstration, go to http://janenelsen.com/video.html
Mom then asked Becky if she would like to use her candle to light the other candles, so she could see how she could give all her love away and still have all her love. Becky was excited to try this. Mom snuffed the flame on all the candles except Becky's, and then helped her pick up each candle and hold it over the flame of her candle until it was lit. Becky's eyes were shining almost as brightly as the flame of the candles.
Mom gave Becky a hug and said, "Does this help you understand that I love you just as much as I love your baby brother?"
Becky said, Yes, and I can love lots of people just the same.
What happens to us is never as important as the beliefs we create about what happens to us. Our behavior is based on those beliefs, and the behavior and beliefs are directly related to the primary goal of all people -- to feel that we belong and are important.
Mom had learned to deal with the belief behind Becky's misbehavior.
Once you understand the belief, you still need to know what to do. But first I want to tell you what not to do. Don't expect her to understand her feelings and her beliefs and her actions. Also, don't expect her to understand your explanations. When she is being too harsh with baby brother, try any of the following:

1) Use action, not words. Kindly and firmly distract her.
2) Give them both a hug at the same time. (Again, avoiding words and/or lectures.)
3) Try hugging just her when she "misbehaves." I know this sounds like rewarding the misbehavior. It is not. It is dealing with her faulty belief that she is not loved as much as her behavior. When her belief changes her behavior will change.
4) Show her how to "touch nicely," over and over.
5) Ask your daughter for her help with such things as finding another toy for her brother or for herself.
6) Supervise, supervise, supervise--so you can quickly intervene with any of the above.

Remember that there are millions of dethroned children in the world and children who did the dethroning. Most of us survive and grow up just fine.

I See It, I Want It, I Take It.

Question:

My three year old started pre-school last year at age 2 and with that came the "take it" behavior. I see it, I want it, and I take it no matter who is playing with it. She will play tug of war with her friends over whatever it is until one of them wins. Push her way in to take a stroller from someone. If she loses the battle, she doesn't cry, fit or otherwise react, she just moves on to something else. How can I work with her to realize it isn't appropriate behavior to take toys from other people?

-Nisaa

Answer:

Dear Nissa,

What you describe is normal, age appropriate behavior. I know all children don't do it, but that has to do with temperament. You can not teach her that this is inappropriate. She does not have the brain development to understand appropriate and inappropriate. All you can do is kindly and firmly supervise. When she grabs something, intervene and distract. When I say kindly and firmly, this means to avoid saying a word. She won't understand your words anyway and the words most parents say at times like this sound like shame. This starts the long process of the development of doubt and shame in children at the time they could be developing a healthy sense of autonomy (according the child development specialist Erik Erikson). You are lucky that she doesn't have a temper tantrum when she doesn't get her way. (Brace yourself, because that too is a normal, age appropriate behavior that may be coming.) Just keep supervising, distracting, and redirecting. Eventually, she will catch on.

By the time she is 3 1/2 to 4 she will be able to understand reasoning. To avoid power struggles at this age, be sure you are prepared with lots of skills to get her involved in decision making. The books Positive Discipline the First Three Years and Positive Discipline for Preschoolers are filled with information on child development and age appropriate behavior as well as parenting skills you can use to help your child develop a sense of capability, self-discipline, responsibility, problem-solving skills.

--

Jane Nelsen, Ed.D

http://blog.positivediscipline.com/
http://www.positivediscipline.com/

When is a Child Old Enough to Choose?

Question:

Hi Dr. Nelsen,We seem to be having morning issues with my three-year-old daughter. She wanted to wear a dress this morning even though it was a little chilly out. My husband put pants and a shirt on her and she was practically convulsing on the floor in anger. Do you think a three year old should be able to choose her clothes for the day? Thanks for any help that you can offer.
Tracy,

Answer:

Dear Tracy

Oh my goodness, you are going to be in big trouble if you don't start letting her use her personal power in useful ways—unless you enjoy power struggles. Sounds like you are making the mistake many parents make in the name of love—over parenting.

Have you thought about what you want for your daughter? Do you want her to feel capable? Do you want her to develop life skills? Do you want her to be responsible? Do you want her to learn problem-solving skills?


What does she learn when you choose her clothes? That she is not capable; she isn't responsible--you are; she can't learn problem-solving skills. If she gets cold, I'll bet she can figure out how to solve that problem--if you let her. It would not be effective to tell her what to do, but to ask her what she thinks she could do to solve the problem. By asking curiosity questions, you provide her with the opportunity to think, to figure it out, and to feel capable.

Let me give you a few more examples of how curiosity questions could help your child feel capable and develop problem-solving skills. You could ask, "What will happen if you are wearing a dress and it is cold?" What can you do if you want to be warm?" Suppose she still wants to wear a dress and does get cold? This is not the time for the "I told you so," lecture. It is time for validation and faith in her. When she complains about being cold you can respond, "I'll bet you are, and I'll bet you can figure out why and what you need to do to solve that problem."

I hope you will read Positive Discipline for Preschoolers for many more ideas on how to help your daughter use her power in useful ways and to help her develop a sense of her own capability and other valuable social and life skills for good character.

When are Children Old Enough to Participate in Family Meetings?

Question:

Jane - How old do you suggest children be to start family meetings? My boys are 3 1/2 and 5 years old. I'd like to start family meetings to discuss issues that need to be addressed and get the boys involved, but I'm thinking they may be too young. Thanks.

Julie

Answer:

Hi Julie, Your 5 year old is definitely old enough. Only you will be able to tell if the 3 1/2 year old is old enough--can he participate? The magic age seems to be 4. It is very important to start family meetings as soon after 4 as possible so children start learning to use their power in useful ways and to develop the belief, "I am capable." This will eliminate many power struggles--and 4-year-olds are so good at problem-solving when given the opportunity.
You might find the following excerpt handy for getting started:

Why have Family Meetings?

An excerpt from Positive Discipline and from Our Family Meeting Album, an e-book By Jane Nelsen available at www.focusingonsolutions.com

Holding regular Family Meetings is one of the most valuable things you can do as a family. Why?
Family Meetings provide an opportunity to teach children valuable social and life skills for good character. They will learn:

• Listening skills
• Brainstorming skills
• Problem-solving skills
• Mutual respect
• The value of cooling off before solving a problem. (Problems are put on the weekly challenges pages so a cooling off period takes place before focusing on solutions to the challenge.)
• Concern for others
• Cooperation
• Accountability in a safe environment. (People don’t worry about admitting mistakes when they know they will be supported to find solutions instead of experiencing blame, shame, or pain.)
• How to choose solutions that are respectful to everyone concerned
• A sense of belonging and significance
• Social interest
• That mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn
  

Family Meetings provide an opportunity for parents to:

• Avoid power struggles by respectfully sharing control
• Avoid micromanaging children, so children learn self-discipline
• Listen in ways that invite children to listen
• Respectfully share responsibility
• Create good memories through a family tradition
• Model all of the skills they want their children to learn
  

If parents really understood the value of family meetings, it would be their most valuable parenting tool–and they would make every effort to schedule 15 to 30 minutes a week for family meetings.

Family Meeting Agenda

Compliments

Challenges
Evaluate last week’s solutions
Focus on solutions for this week’s challenges

Special Event

Meal Planning

Calendar
Weekly essentials such as events, who needs rides, etc.
Family togetherness event planning

Family Fun

Compliments

Each component of the agenda is important. Start with compliments for several reasons:

• Compliments create a positive atmosphere
• Children learn to be “good finders” when they look for and verbalize the things they appreciate about family members.
• Children usually fight less when they participate in regular family meetings beginning with compliments.
• It is important to have each member of the family give a compliment to every other member of the family so everyone feels a sense of belonging and significance.
• Remember that compliments may sound awkward in the beginning. They get better with practice.
  

You will create a positive atmosphere in your family when everyone learns to look for the good in each other and to verbalize positive comments. Please don’t expect perfection. Some sibling squabbling is normal. However, when children (and parents) learn to give and receive compliments, negative tension is reduced considerably. Of course, a positive atmosphere is increased even more when families have regular family meetings to find solutions to problems.

Family Meeting Jobs

Recorder: Be sure to have someone write down all the ideas that are brainstormed. It is so much fun to look at these ideas later – as much fun as looking at old family picture albums.
Circle the solution that works for everyone. Consensus is important in family meetings. If you can reach consensus, table this item and try again next week.

Chairperson: Rotate this job so everyone has a chance to be the “person in charge”. The Chairperson calls the meeting to order, asks for compliments to begin, and handles the Weekly Challenges page by announcing the next challenge to be solved and following the rest of the agenda.

Timekeeper: A timekeeper can keep everyone on track so the meeting doesn’t go on and on and get boring.


Do's and Don'ts for Successful Family Meetings
by Jane Nelsen

DO:
1. Remember the long-range purpose: To teach valuable life skills.
2. Post an agenda where family members can write their concerns or problems.
3. Start with compliments to set the tone by verbalizing positive things about each other.
4. Brainstorm for solutions to problems. Choose one suggestion (by consensus) that is practical and respectful and try it for a week.
5. Focus on solutions, not blame
6. Calendar a family fun activity for later in the week – and all sports and other activities (including a chauffeur schedule).
7. Keep family meetings short 10 to 30 minutes, depending on the ages of your children. End with a family fun activity, game, or dessert.

DON'T
1. Use family meetings as a platform for lectures and parental control.
2. Allow children to dominate and control. (Mutual respect is the key.)
3. Skip weekly family meetings. (They should be the most important date on your calendar.)
4. Forget that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn.
5. Forget that learning skills takes time. Even solutions that don't work provide an opportunity to learn and try again—always focusing on respect and solutions.
6. Expect children under the age of four to participate in the process. (If younger children are too distracting, wait until they are in bed.)