Sunday, August 19, 2012

Pay Attention and Wheel of Choice Adaptation


The "Pay Attention" tool card says "Put down whatever you are doing and focus on your child as though he or she is more important than anything else you could do." But what about those times when there really is something that needs your full attention at that moment. The following story from Elly Zhen, a Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator in China, is a great example of teaching children that they can find creative ways to occupy their time when mom or dad is busy.

I needed to take my 4-year-old daughter, Serenity, with me to my Postive Discipline parenting class in the morning. There was not a babysitter available. That means she would need to play by herself for three hours. I asked her: "Three hours? Do you think you will be bored?" She nods her head.

"So what can you do when you are bored?"

"I can play with that!" — she pointed to her Dora game.

"Great! Let's write all the ideas down." I'll get a piece of paper. We have done this before -- a revised version of "The Wheel of Choice" -- The Cards of Choices.



She came up with 8 ideas of what she could do in the 3 hours, eg. listening to music with earphone, drawing, playing with her animal toys, learning piano, laying on the couch, sitting with mommy just watching, playing with Dora game, and eating sunflower seeds!

In the morning, with those eight "Cards of Choices", Serenity played by herself for two hours in my class. [Comment from Jane: This is a long time for a 4-year-old.]

She started feeling "bored" when there was about one hour left, "because mommy didn't play with me." I point to the clock on the wall: "When the long arm goes to 12, I will play with you."

After 30 minutes, she comes to me again. I ask if she would like to sit on my lap or on the chair next to me. I can feel all the student moms are looking at me, a bit intense. I keep being calm.

She sits on my lap, but only for one minute. She starts sobbing and covering my mouth with her hand. I ask the moms if we should continue or if I should take care of her first? They all choose the latter.

I hold her tight, put her head on my chest, kissing her, telling her: "I know you are bored and sad, because it's been a long time, and mommy is still not playing with you. You wish I could stop the class right now, and play with you." She nodded her head.

"I can play rock paper scissors game with you, two or three times?"

"Five times!"

"Hmmmm, how about not three, not five, but four times!"

"Ok."

"After the game, do you have any good ideas so you won't feel bored and mommy could continue the class?"

She said: "I can go out play the Dora game without earphone."

"Would you like to play the rock paper game before going out or after the class is over?"

"After the class is over."

Then she did!

There is no better role-play" than a real life experience in class.

Although Serenity was still down and sad even when we are on the way back home, she did not cry or throw a tantrum. She kept silent in the car, and shook her head when being asked if she would like to talk. I told her: "I love you, no matter what. Take your time."

When we got back home, she returned all fine. We played the game eventually and had a lot of laughs!

Monday, August 13, 2012

Kind and Firm Parenting


A foundation of Positive Discipline is to be kind and firm at the same time. Some parents are kind, but not firm. Others are firm, but not kind. Many parents vacillate between the two—being too kind until they can’t stand their kids (who develop an entitlement attitude) and then being too firm until they can’t stand themselves (feeling like tyrants).

Opposites Attract: When One Parent Is Kind And The Other Is Firm

It is interesting to note how often two people with opposing philosophies about kindness and firmness get married. One has a tendency to be just a little too lenient. The other has a tendency to be just a little too strict. Then the lenient parent thinks he or she needs to be more lenient to make up for the mean old strict parent. The strict parent thinks he or she needs to be more strict to make up for the wishy-washy lenient parent—so they get further and further apart and fight about who is right and who is wrong. In truth they are both wrong. The trick is to be kind and firm and the same time.

Putting kind and firm together can be a challenge for parents who have a habit of going to one extreme or the other.

The Importance of “And” In Kind and Firm

One of my favorite examples of kind and firm at the same time is, “I love you, and the answer is NO.”

Other examples:

I know you don’t want to stop playing (validate feelings), AND it is time for _____

I know you would rather watch TV than do your homework (show understanding), AND homework needs to be done first.

You don’t want to brush your teeth, AND we’ll do it together. Want to race? (Redirection.)

I know you don’t want to mow the lawn, AND what was our agreement? (Kindly and quietly wait for the answer—assuming you decided together on an agreement in advance.)

You don’t want to go to bed, AND it is bedtime. Do you want one story or two stories as soon as your jammies are on? (Provide a choice?)

I know you want to keep play video games, AND your time is up. You can turn it off now, or it will be put in my closet. (A choice and then follow through by deciding what you will do.)

Upping the Amps

Sometime the energy of firmness needs to be a little stronger. It can still be respectful. Remember that kids know when you mean it and when you don’t. Notice that there is not any “piggy backing” (adding lectures of blame and shame) on these statements.

That (whining, demanding, coaxing) does not work with me. (Then leave.)

Come find me when you are ready to be respectful. (Then leave.)

Keep your mouth shut and give a “you’ve got to be kidding look.”

That behavior is unacceptable. Stop now.

Don’t bite the bait. When kids do provocative behavior, think of a hook dangling in your face. Be smart enough to avoid biting and swim in a different direction.  Or, just be still and wait for the hook to go away.

Some people think these firm statements are not positive—not nice.

Kind Is Not Always Nice

The mother bird knows instinctively when it is time to push her baby bird from the nest so it will learn to fly. If we didn’t know better we might think this is not very nice of the mother bird. If the baby bird could talk, it might be saying, “No. I don’t want to leave the nest. Don’t be so mean. That’s not fair.” However, we know the baby bird would not learn to fly if the mother bird did not provide that important push.

Kind is not always nice. It would be very unkind to allow her baby to be handicapped for life by pampering—an unkindness practiced by many parents today.

I think we all know the mistakes made in the name of firmness without kindness. In a word, it is punishment. However, many do not know the mistakes made in the name of kindness such as:

  • Pleasing
  • Rescuing
  • Over-protecting
  • Pampering—providing all “wants”
  • Micromanaging in the name of love
  • Giving too many choices
  • Making sure children never suffer

All of theses parenting methods create weakness.

You may be surprised to see, “making sure children never suffer,” as a mistake in the name of kindness. The following story of the little boy and the butterfly may help you understand how rescuing children from all suffering creates weakness.

A little boy felt sorry for a butterfly struggling to emerge from its chrysalis. He decided to help so he could save the butterfly from the struggle. So he peeled the chrysalis open for the butterfly. The little boy was so excited to watch the butterfly spread its wings and fly off into the sky. Then he was horrified as he watched the butterfly drift to the ground and die because it did not have the muscle strength to keep flying.

Like the little boy, parents too often (in the name of love) want to protect their children from struggle. They don’t realize that their children need to struggle, to deal with disappointment, to solve their own problems, so they can develop their emotional muscles and develop the skills necessary for the even bigger struggles they will encounter throughout their lives.

It is important that parents do not make children suffer, but sometimes it is most helpful to “allow” them to suffer with support.

For example, suppose a child “suffers” because she can’t have the toy she wants. Allowing her to suffer through this experience can help her develop her resiliency muscles. She learns that she can survive the ups and downs of life—leading to a sense of capability and competency. The support part is that you validate her feelings, but avoid rescuing or lecturing.

It isn’t helpful when parents engage in “piggy backing”—adding lectures, blame and shame to what the child is experiencing. “Stop crying and acting like a spoiled brat. You can’t always have what you want. Do you think I’m made of money? And besides, all I got in my Christmas stocking was nuts and an orange.”

Instead, parents can offer loving support. “I can see this is very upsetting to you. It can be very disappointing when we don’t get what we want.” Period. I say, “period,” because some parents even overdo validating feelings—going on and on in the hopes that validating feelings will take away the suffering.

 Validate a child’s feelings and then allow her to recover from those feelings. “I can see you are very disappointed that you didn’t get a better grade.” Then comes the tough part—no rescuing and no lectures. Simply allow her to discover that she can get over her disappointment and figure out what might increase her chances of getting what she wants in the future.

Kindness Without Firmness Is Permissiveness

Many people who are drawn to Positive Discipline err on the side of kindness. They are against punishment, but don’t realize that firmness is necessary to avoid permissiveness. Permissiveness is not healthy for children because they are likely to decide, “Love means getting others to take care of me and give me everything I want."

Have faith in your children that they can learn and grow from suffering—especially in a supportive environment. Understand that kind is not always nice, short term. True kindness and firmness together provide an environment where children can develop the “wings” they need to soar through life.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Motivation - A Positive Discipline Tool Card


An excerpt from the book Positive Discipline by Dr. Jane Nelsen.

Where did we ever get the crazy idea that to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse?

Think of the last time you felt humiliated or treated unfairly. Did you feel like cooperating or doing better?

Take time to close your eyes and remember a recent time (or a time during your childhood) when someone tried to motivate you to do better by trying to make you feel bad. Remember exactly what happened. Get in touch with how you felt. Be aware of what you were deciding about yourself, about the other person, and about what to do in the future (even though you were not aware that you were making decisions at the time).

Did you feel motivated to do better? If so, was it a good feeling, or was it based on negative feelings about yourself and/or the other person? Did you feel motivated to give up or to cover up so you could avoid future humiliation? Or, did you want to become an approval junkie—giving up a big part of yourself in order to please others?

Children do not develop positive characteristics based on the feelings and subconscious decisions they make as a result of punishment.

Parents and teachers who don’t like excessive control or permissiveness, but don’t know what else to do, may switch back and forth in confusion between two ineffective alternatives. They try excessive control until they can’t stand themselves for sounding so tyrannical. They then switch to permissiveness until they can’t stand how spoiled and demanding the children get—so they go back to excessive control.

What is the price when excessive control seems to work with some children? Research has shown that children who experience a great deal of punishment become either rebellious or fearfully submissive. Positive Discipline does not include any blame, shame, or pain (physical or emotional) as motivators. On the other hand, permissiveness is humiliating to adults and children and creates unhealthy co-dependence instead of self-reliance and cooperation.

Since many parents and teachers believe the only alternative to giving up excessive control and strictness is permissiveness, it is important that we define discipline. Discipline is a word that is often misused. Many people equate discipline with punishment—or at least believe that punishment is the way to help people achieve discipline. However, discipline comes from the Latin word discipulus or disciplini which means a follower of truth, principle, or a venerated leader. Children and students will not become followers of truth and principle unless their motivation comes from an internal locus of control—until they learn self-discipline. Both punishment and reward come from an external locus of control.

If Not Strictness, and Not Permissiveness—Then What?

Positive Discipline is an approach that does not include excessive control or permissiveness. Positive Discipline is based on mutual respect and cooperation and using kindness and firmness at the same time as the foundation for teaching life competencies based on an inner locus of control. We stress the importance of making a connection before correction; and involving children to focus on solutions instead of punishing for mistakes.

When adults use excessive control, it is their responsibility to be constantly in charge of children’s behavior. The most popular form of excessive control used by parents and teachers is a system of rewards and punishment. With this system, adults must catch children being "good" so they can give rewards and catch them being "bad" so they can dole out punishment. Who is being responsible? Obviously it is the adult; so what happens when the adult is not around? Children do not learn to be responsible for their own behavior. They do not learn to do the right thing when no one is looking.

It is interesting to note how often controlling adults complain about irresponsibility in children without realizing they are training children to be irresponsible. Permissiveness also teaches irresponsibility because adults and children both relinquish responsibility.

One of the most important concepts to understand about Positive Discipline is that children are more willing to follow rules that they have helped establish. They become effective decision makers with healthy self-concepts when they learn to be contributing members of a family, a classroom, and of society. These are important long-term effects of the positive approach. They can be summarized in the following:

Five Criteria for Positive Discipline

  1. Is kind and firm at the same time. (Respectful and encouraging) 
  2. Helps children feel a sense of belonging and significance. (Connection) 
  3. Is effective long-term. (Punishment works short term, but has negative long-term results.) 
  4. Teaches valuable social and life skills for good character. (Respect, concern for others, problem-solving, accountability, contribution, cooperation) 
  5. Invites children to discover how capable they are and to use their personal power in construc- tive ways. 


Punishment does not meet any of these criteria. Every method taught in Positive Discipline does. The first criteria, kindness and firmness at the same time is a cornerstone concept for Positive Discipline.

KINDNESS AND FIRMNESS AT THE SAME TIME

Rudolf Dreikurs taught the importance of being both kind and firm. Kindness is important to show respect for the child. Firmness is important to show respect for ourselves and for the needs of the situation. Authoritarian methods usually lack kindness. Permissive methods lack firmness. Kindness and firmness are essential for positive discipline.

Many parents and teachers struggle with this concept for several reasons. One is that they often don’t feel like being kind when a child has pushed their buttons. Again adults want children to control their behavior when adults don’t control their own behavior? Often, it is the adults who should take some positive time-out until they can feel better so they can do better.

Another reason adults have difficulty being kind and firm at the same time is that they don’t know what kind and firm looks like. They may be stuck in the vicious cycle of being too firm when upset—or because they don’t know what else to do; and then being too kind to make up for being too firm.

Tune in next week to learn more about the Positive Discipline Tool of Kindness and Firmness at the Same Time.

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