Tuesday, August 13, 2013


by Jane Nelsen, co-author of Positive Discipline for Teenagers.

I just received an interesting question from a journalist wondering if parents could be both a friend and a disciplinarian. Following is my answer:

I'm not sure what you mean by disciplinarian and what you mean by friend. When people say, “You should be a parent, not a friend to your children,” I always wonder what kind of friend they are talking about. The implication is that friends are wishy washy. I don't have any wishy washy friends. My friends treat me with respect, are honest, hold me accountable, tell me what I need to hear in very loving ways, and don't put up with disrespect. And they love me and encourage me through all my ups and downs. Sounds like good parenting to me.

Regarding the disciplinarian part of the question, in all of the Positive Discipline books, we do not advocate punishment of any kind--which is what most people mean by disciplinarian. We believe in respectfully involving kids in focusing on solutions that are respectful to everyone.

How many friends would we have if we used the disciplinarian methods used by many parents?

1) Lecture
2) Nag
3) Try to control through punishments and withdrawal of privileges
4) Tell us what to do, when to do it, and how to do it
5) Withdraw love or show strong disappointment when expectations aren’t met

A theme I share with parents and teachers is "connection before correction." In other words, you have to have a good relationship before you can teach children anything--and then correction still means solving problems together respectfully. Parents would have much greater influence if they were good friends to their children by:

1) Encouraging (unconditional love)
2) Friendly discussions
3) Brainstorming for solutions
4) Scheduling special time for fun
5) Regular family meetings that involve all of the above
6) Making sure kids know you are on their side

One father shared that he was in the middle of an argument with his teenaged son when he stopped and said, “Son, do you know I’m on your side?” His son got tears in his eyes and said, “How would I know that?” Friends usually know we are on their side. Do our children?

Create a connection (closeness and trust), and then use respectful methods for correction. In other words, be a good friend to your child.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I absolutely agree with everything you said but wanted to add my two cents. I've said the phrase that parents need to be parents no friends before and I think maybe it's being misinterpreted. For me personally this means setting boundaries and expectations. I was raised by an emotionally/verbally abusive single mother who only ever wanted to be my friend. Which for her meant never telling me "no", having no rules or schedule, and as a teenager drinking with my friends. I just wonder if more people think of it that way rather than the way you described. Of course the term disciplinarian completely turns me off!