Encouragement vs Praise

A Positive Discipline Tool Card

Rudolf Dreikurs taught, “A child needs encouragement like a plant needs water.” In other words, encouragement is essential. Children may not die without encouragement, but they certainly wither.

Since encouragement is so essential, it would be good for parents to know what encouragement means and how to do it. Let’s start with the difference between praise and encouragement. It would be helpful to download the file "Differences Between Praise and Encouragement".

Is it Praise or Encouragement?

Research by Carol Dweck, Ph.D. a professor at Columbia University, has now proven what Adler taught years ago. Praise is not good for children. Dweck found that praise can hamper risk taking. Children who were praised for being smart when they accomplished a task chose easier tasks in the future. They didn’t want to risk making mistakes. On the other hand, children who were “encouraged” for their efforts were willing to choose more challenging tasks when given a choice.

As Dreikurs said, “Encourage the deed [or effort], not the doer.” In other words, instead of, “You got an A, I’m so proud of you,” try, “Congratulations! You worked hard. You deserve it.” A subtle difference, but it will change the perception of your child.

The differences between encouragement and praise can be difficult to grasp for those who believe in praise and have seen immediate results. They have seen children respond to praise with beaming faces. However, they don’t think about the long-term effects. Praise is not encouraging because it teaches children to become “approval junkies.” They learn to depend on others to evaluate their worth. Encouragement leads to self reflection and self evaluation.

Now let's get back to the fact that children like praise. (So do I.) Praise is a like candy. A little can be very satisfying. Too much can cause problems. Awareness is the key. Notice if your kids are becoming addicted to praise—need it all the time.

Those who want to change from praise to encouragement may find it awkward to stop and think before making statements that have become habitual. It will help to keep the following questions in mind when wondering whether the statements you make to children are praise or encouragement:

• Am I inspiring self-evaluation or dependence on the evaluation of others?
• Am I being respectful or patronizing?

• Am I seeing the child’s point of view or only my own?

• Would I make this comment to a friend?

I have found the last question especially helpful. The comments we make to friends usually fit the criteria for encouragement.

How to Encourage

Encouragement is helping your children develop courage—courage to grow and develop into the people they want to be, to feel capable, to be resilient, to enjoy life, to be happy, contributing members of society, and, as Dreikurs said, “To have the courage to be imperfect;” to feel free to make mistakes and to learn from them.

Positive Discipline tools such as the following are designed to be encouraging to children:

1. Family Meetings where children learn to give and receive compliments and learn to brainstorm for solutions to problems.
2. Curiosity Questions to invite children how to think instead of what to think—and to give them a sense of choice to use their personal power for social responsibility.
3. Letting Go so children have opportunities to learn and grow—mistakes and all.
4. Show Faith in children so they can develop faith in themselves.
5. Spending Special Time to make sure the message of love gets through.

The successful use of encouragement requires adult attitudes of respect, interest in the child’s point of view, and a desire to provide opportunities for children to develop life skills that will lead to self-confident independence from the negative opinions of others.

The Anger Wheel of Choice: Anger is Just a Feeling

When I was growing up, I didn’t know that anger is just a feeling. To me anger meant withdrawal of love. My mother didn’t tell me she was angry. She just wouldn’t speak to me for days.  However, she did “speak” loud and clear with the look of disgust and disapproval on her face whenever she looked at me during those days of silence . My childlike mind twisted that to mean that people would stop loving me if I got angry.

Lynn Lott, co-author of several of the Positive Discipline books, and my dear friend and mentor, taught me that feelings are always okay. What we do about those feelings may not be okay. In other words, feeling angry is okay. Withdrawing love, or the many ways I expressed my anger, is not okay, (more about that later).

Knowing that anger is just a feeling, is always okay and may help change some old childhood beliefs. Recently I was feeling angry with a friend. Instead of following my previous pattern of trying to talk myself out of my anger, or making snide remarks, I said to my friend, "I want to tell you how angry I am, and I want you to still love me." I did and she did. When I took responsibility for my anger, instead of dancing around it, my friend was able to share her point of view. Then we apologized for our misperceptions and felt great again.

Many adults have not learned the valuable language of feelings. We are afraid that if we feel something we have to do something hurtful to others or ourselves. This is usually based on past experiences.

The Anger Wheel of Choice can help our children learn another way. During a calm time you can teach them that what they feel is always okay, and that what they do is not okay if the “doing” hurts others or themselves. You can show them the wheel of choice and teach them these alternative ways of expressing their anger that does not hurt others.

You might want to combine the Anger Wheel of Choice with the Positive Time-Out tool card, the Understanding the Brain tool card and the Focus on Solutions tool card. Let your children know that once they have expressed their feelings and calmed down, they might be able to think of more respectful ways to express their anger to another person, such as simply saying, “I’m angry at you right now. When we both feel better I hope we can find a solution that is respectful to both of us.”

It is just possible, that if children learn these life skills, they would feel more capable and confident, would experience more loving relationships with others, and would be instruments of peace in the world.

Avoid Pampering

A Positive Discipline Tool Card

The Avoid Pampering tool card is a perfect follow-up to the tool card of Show Faith. When we avoid pampering, we are in essence showing faith in our children.

But first let's define what we mean by "Avoid Pampering." We are NOT talking about love, affection and connection. Giving hugs is not pampering.  Giving compliments is not pampering. Validating feelings is not pampering.

Pampering is doing things for our children that they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves. The fact is, our children are born with an innate desire to do things for themselves and begin to express that desire around the age of two. We are all familiar with the toddler who says "Me do it!" Too many parents say, "No, you are too little. Go play." Then when they are older and we ask them to help, we are surprised when they say, "No. I'm playing."

Parents often do things for their children for expediency. They may be in a hurry or they are afraid their children will not do it "right" or perfectly. That is why it is important to "take time for training." This means showing them how and then letting them practice. Do things "with" young children until they are old enough and practiced enough to graduate to doing things by themselves. It will still often take longer and not be perfect, but remember we are striving for long-term results. We need to give our children opportunities to become responsible, capable young people.

Break the Code of Misbehavior

When children are misbehaving, they are speaking to adults in code? A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.  The primary goal of all children is to feel a sense of belonging and significance. Too often they form a mistaken belief about how to seek belonging and significance—as explained in the Mistaken Goal Chart. Unless adults know how to break the code—children usually experience the opposite of belonging and significance. Click on this link: Mistaken Goal Chart so you can follow along as I explain the code.

How you “feel” in response to the misbehavior provides the first clue to your child’s discouragement. You heard right. Your feelings help you break the code to your child’s mistaken belief about how to achieve belonging and significance—the true goal of all people. For example, when you feel irritated, annoyed, worried, or guilty, it is likely that your child’s mistaken goal is Undue Attention, based on the mistaken belief that, “I count (belong) only when I’m being noticed or getting special service. I’m important only when I’m keeping you busy with me.”

The second clue is your reaction to the misbehavior. Again, you heard right. The third column of the Mistaken Goal Chart summarizes adult behaviors that actually feed a child’s discouragement. Let’s take an example. Suppose your child is interrupting. You feel annoyed. You scold your child for interrupting. She stops for a few minutes (your third clue that the mistaken goal is Undue Attention per the fourth column of the Mistaken Goal Chart). By scolding, you have reinforced the discouragement. In a few minutes your child will try harder to get undue attention.

Once you have the three clues, you can break the code and understand what your child really needs to feel encouraged, “Notice Me. Involve Me Usefully.” Suggestions for what this kind of encouragement would look like are in the last column of the Mistaken Goal Chart. For example, one mother shared that her four-year-old constantly interrupted her the minute she got on the phone. This mom decided to encourage her daughter by choosing to “redirect by involving her child in a useful task to gain useful attention.”

The next time the phone rang, Mom told the caller to excuse her for a minute. She knelt down eye level to her daughter and took off her watch. Mom told her daughter to watch the second hand and let her know when it went around and past the 12 three times so she could end the phone call. Her daughter followed the second hand intently. Her mom hung up before the second hand went around three times and she said, “Mommy, mommy. You had more time.”

The daughter stopped interrupting and gained attention by contributing instead of annoying. This could be the beginning of changing her belief of something such as, “I belong when I am helping others,” instead of, “I belong only when others make me the center of the Universe.”

Change the Belief, Not Just The Behavior

Most parents don’t understand that there is a belief behind every behavior. Thus they make the mistake of trying to change just the behavior. The behavior will stop only when the belief behind the behavior is changed. Breaking the code helps you understand the discouraging belief behind the behavior and what the child really needs to feel encouraged enough to change his or her belief.

You have read an example of breaking the code for the mistaken goal of Undue Attention. The following activity will help you break the code for specific behaviors that are challenging to you so that you can be encouraging to your child and to yourself.

Break the Code Worksheet


1.  Describe a challenging behavior you are experiencing with your child.




2.  Identify your feelings. Remember that a feeling can be described with just one word. (Frustrated doesn’t count because it is a generic feeling that can be narrowed down to a more specific feeling. In the beginning you may need to look at the second column of the Mistaken Goal Chart to find the feelings that fit for you.) Write your feeling or feelings below.




3.  Describe what you usually do in response to the challenging behavior?





4.  Now get into your child’s world. How would you feel if you were a child and your parent did or said what you did or said?


What would you be thinking?


What would you be feeling?


What would you decide to do? (This is a clue to the belief behind the action.)


5.  Look at the sixth column of the Mistaken Goal Chart to “break the code” and identify what the child needs.



6.  Choose a suggestion from the last column of the Mistaken Goal Chart that you would like to try the next time you encounter the challenging behavior. Describe how you think this might be encouraging to your child and how it might help your child revise his or her belief about how to find belonging and significance.




7.  Journal about the results of what you did. If it didn’t seem to work to change the behavior, is it possible that your child is at least making a new decision.

Use this worksheet until it becomes second nature and you will earn an honorary degree as a behavior detective and encouragement expert.

Show Faith

A Positive Discipline Tool Card

One of the biggest mistakes some parents and teachers make, when they decide to do Positive Discipline, is becoming too permissive because they don’t want to be punitive. Some mistakenly believe they are being kind when they rescue their children, and protect them from all disappointment. This is not being kind; it is being permissive. Being kind means to be respectful of the child and of yourself. It is not respectful to pamper children. It is not respectful to rescue them from every disappointment so they don’t have the opportunity to develop their disappointment muscles. It is respectful to validate their feelings, "I can see that you are disappointed (or angry, or upset, etc.)." Then it is respectful to have faith in children that they can survive disappointment and develop a sense of capability in the process.

Have faith in children to handle their own problems. (Offer support through validating feelings or giving a hug, but not by rescuing or fixing.)

TAKE TIME FOR TRAINING

It is also important to take time for training. Adults often expect children to accomplish tasks for which there has not been adequate training. This is more typical in homes than in schools. Parents may expect children to clean their rooms, but never teach them how. Children go into their messy rooms and feel overwhelmed. It may be helpful to clean the room with your children until they have more training. This is also a great way to create connection.

CURIOSITY QUESTIONS

Be sure and use "Curiosity Questions." (We will be covering curiosity questions in a later blog post.) Instead of telling children what to do, ask curiosity questions. "Where do your dirty clothes go?" "What do we need to do before we can vacuum the floor?" Children are great problem solvers when we give them a chance.

PATIENCE

Patience is probably the most difficult part of showing faith in our children. It is almost always more expedient to solve problems for our children. This is particularly true when we are under time pressures.   In these cases we can take time later to explore solutions for the future. Ask your children exploratory questions. "What happened?" "What caused it to happen?" "What did you learn?" "What can you do in the future?"

When time pressures are not an issue, practice having patience with your children. Allow them to problem solve on their own. Allow them to feel a little disappointment. Allow them to work through their feelings. They will need these skills in the future.

It may help to remember that who your children are today, is not who they will be forever. Someday they will be nagging their own children to put their dishes in the sink and to clean their rooms.  Remember that example is the best teacher. Model what you want for your children, take time for training so they learn skills, have regular family meetings, and then have lots of faith in them to become the best they can be.

Closet Listening

A Positive Discipline Tool Card

Have you ever tried talking with your children only to be frustrated by one word, unenthusiastic, totally bored responses? Many parents become discouraged when they ask their children, “How was your day?” and their children say, “Fine.” Then they ask, “What did you do today?” The response is, “Nothing.”

Try closet listening.

Closet listening means you find times to be near your children, hoping they will talk with you, but not being obvious about it. I tried this with my daughter, Mary, when she was a teenager. While Mary was getting ready for school, fixing her hair and makeup at the bathroom mirror, I would go in and sit on the edge of the tub. The first time I did this, Mary asked, “What do you want, Mama?” I said, “Nothing, except that I  just want to spend a few minutes with you.” Mary waited to see what would come next. Nothing did. She finished fixing her hair and makeup and said, “Bye, Mama.”

I continued to do this every morning. It wasn’t long before Mary got used to having me there. I didn’t ask any questions, but before long, Mary would chat away about all the things that were going on in her life.

Children often feel interrogated. You may be ready to talk when your child isn’t. Experiment by serving cookies without asking, “How was your day?” Just sit there. Perhaps children who resist questions will respond when you make yourself available and just listen.

Click on the link below to listen to Dr. Jane Nelsen talk about Closet Listening

Click Here if you do not see the MP3 player.

Letting Go: Morning Hassles and Responsibility

"Jimmy, time to get up! C'mon, Jimmy, get up now! This is the last time I'm going to call you!"

Sound familiar? Mornings in Jimmy's home are much like mornings in other homes around the world—hectic, argumentative, and full of hassles.  Jimmy has not learned to be responsible because Mom is too busy being responsible for him.  It gets worse as the morning continues.

"How should I know where your books are?  Where did you leave them? How many times have I told you to put them where they belong? If you don't hurry up and eat, you're just going to have to go to school hungry. You're still not dressed, and the bus will be here in five minutes! I'm not going to take you to school if you're not ready—and I mean it! (While driving Jimmy to school), “Jimmy, when will you ever learn?  This is absolutely the last time I'll drive you to school when you miss the bus.  You've got to learn to be more responsible!"

What do you think? Is this the last time Jimmy's mother will drive him to school when he misses the bus?  No. Jimmy is very intelligent. He knows his mother’s threats are meaningless.  He has heard the threats many times and knows his mother will drive him to school when he's late.

Jimmy's mother is right about one thing:  Jimmy should learn to be more responsible.  But through morning scenes like these, she is teaching him to be less responsible.  She is the responsible party when she keeps reminding him of everything he needs to do.

Lecturing, Nagging, Scolding, Threatening 

Children do not learn from the lecturing, nagging, scolding, and threatening.

Actually, they do learn from these methods—just not what you hope they will learn.  They learn to engage in power-struggles, resistance, rebellion, and revenge cycles. They may learn to comply and become approval junkies—more concerned about pleasing others to feel a sense of belonging and significance than to cooperate out of mutual respect.

It is possible to enjoy hassle free mornings while teaching children self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation, and problem-solving skills—the characteristics of happy, successful people with a healthy sense of self-worth and respect for self and others.  What a wonderful gift to give your children while enjoying peaceful mornings. The key is letting go. Many parents are afraid that letting go means abandoning their children or giving in to permissiveness. In Positive Discipline terms, letting go mean allowing children to develop their sense of cooperation and capability

8 Tips for Letting Go, Avoiding Morning Hassles and Teaching Responsibility     

1.  Involve children in the problem-solving process.  When children are involved in solutions they have ownership and motivation to follow the plans they have helped create.  Sit down with your children during a family meeting or a more informal session.  Present the problem and ask for suggestions, "We are having a lot of morning hassles.  What ideas do you have on how we could solve this problem?"  Your attitude and tone of voice in presenting the problem is crucial.  Humiliation invites resistance and defensiveness.  Respect invites cooperation.  Write down every suggestion.  You can make suggestions too, but only after allowing plenty of time for theirs first.  Select the suggestions that everyone can agree upon and discuss exactly how it will be implemented.  Willing agreement by everyone involved is essential so that everyone feels the desire to cooperate.

Ownership and motivation are not the only benefits of getting children involved in the problem-solving process.  They usually have great ideas when we allow them to contribute.  They also develop the perception that they are capable and the a feeling of self-confidence that comes from making valuable contributions. And, it helps you let go.

2.  Involve children in the creation of routines.  One of the best ways to avoid morning hassles is by starting the night before with a routine that helps avoid bedtime hassles, so start with the creation of a bedtime routine with your children.

After your child makes a list (either writing herself or with you transcribing) of everything she can think of to include as part of her bedtime routine, ask, “What about getting your things ready for the next morning?" During this time she can choose the clothes she wants to wear the next morning.

Have you noticed that when children are under time pressures they always want to wear the special shirt that they can't find anywhere?  If they do finally find it at the bottom of the clothes hamper they insist it has to be washed and ironed before school.  On the other hand, when they have plenty of time it seems easy for them to choose something in their closet and lay it out for the next morning. During this time they can also find their shoes, socks, books, homework, and whatever else they need for the next morning.

Next, help your children create their own morning routine chart.  Let your children decide what time they need to get up, how much time they need to get ready, what part they will play in the breakfast routine, and rules about the television not being turned on until everything is done and their is time left over.

Young children love it when you take photos of them doing each task on their routine charts and let them post the photo next to the task, and then hang the routine charts where they can be easily seen.

4.  Let go by allowing children to experience natural or logical consequences.

Natural consequences are what happens naturally, without adult interference.  When you stand in the rain, you get wet; when you don't eat, you get hungry; when you forget your coat, you get cold.

Logical consequences require adult intervention.  Obviously, you aren't going to allow your children to experience the natural consequences of playing in the middle of a busy street, or when a child is throwing rocks at another person, an adult needs to step in, because the child is interfering with the rights of another person.  Also, when the results of the child's behavior do not seem like a problem to the child, natural consequences (such as eating junk food and not brushing their teeth) are ineffective.

Children can learn a great deal from natural and logical consequences to help them develop responsibility if you are willing to let go.  Jimmy will learn to be responsible when his mother stays out of the way and allows him to experience the consequences of being late.

5.  Decide what you will do.  This is one way to take a small step in letting go of the power struggles you create when trying to make children do something. Let your children know in advance what you plan to do. For example, Jimmy's mother might tell him that she will call him once to get up.  (Or better yet, she will buy him an alarm clock, teach him how to use it, and let him take full responsibility.)  If he doesn't take the responsibility from then on, he will probably miss his bus.  Mom can let him know in a kind and firm manner that she is not willing to drive him to school. If he misses his bus, he will have to walk to school and may have to stay late to make up the time. (If walking is not an option because safety is an issue you may wish to find another solution. Perhaps Jimmy can spend time after school doing something for mommy to make up for the time spent driving Jimmy to school.)

6.  Follow-through with actions, not words.  When children test your new plan, the fewer words you use the better.  Keep your mouth shut and act. If Jimmy continues to dawdle and misses his bus, don't resort to "I told you so." Just follow through on agreed-upon consequences.

The few words you do use to ensure firmness with dignity and respect should be stated in a kind and friendly manner.  "I'm sorry you missed your bus, Jimmy.  We can talk about your walking experience tomorrow."

Ignore the temptation to become involved in a power struggle or revenge cycle.  Children will do their best to get you sucked into your usual response.  When Jimmy says, "Please drive me, Mom.  I won't be late again," don't give in.  Kindly and firmly remind him of your decision.  Then jump in the shower so you're not tempted to get involved in further discussion!

7.  Things may get worse before they get better. Children may try hard to get the response they are used to getting from you. Be consistent with your new plan of action and children will learn a new response-ability.  If Jimmy is late and misses his bus, he will have to experience the natural consequence—walking to school.  If Jimmy doesn't like walking to school, it won't be long before he begins to take responsibility for himself.

8.  Have faith in your children. Children learn to be capable people by spending time with people who believe they are capable.  For example, when Jimmy's mother believes that he can get himself up and ready for school without her hassling him constantly, Jimmy will also believe that he can accomplish this feat on his own.  It gives him a new sense of self-confidence—even at age six.  If he can handle getting himself up and ready for school, what can't he handle?

If you want to turn morning hassles into morning bliss, practice the steps for letting go outlined above.  Teach your children the joys of responsibility, cooperation, and self-discipline.  How much better to face a morning full of love, understanding, and fun than a morning full of hassles, criticism, and arguments.