Positive Discipline and the Wheel of Choice

Dear Dr. Jane Nelsen,

Early in the school year my first grade students were introduced to the Positive Discipline Wheel of Choice during our classroom meetings. We use the Wheel of Choice daily to solve problems and come up with solutions. While role-playing a problem during a classroom meeting, the children discovered that each of them had their own solutions that worked best for them in any given situation. As an extension to this idea, the children created “Wheel of Choice Mobiles.” Each child first created a 5 inch “self-portrait” detailing everything from their hair to what clothes they like to wear. Next, they picked four strategies that they thought they could best use when trying to solve a problem. Then, we attached the four different strategies from their mobiles and hung them above their table spots. As a result, when the children are faced with an immediate problem they simply look up at their own mobiles and are reminded of the strategies they think works best for them. The mobiles have hung above their tables since the beginning of the year and still work as effective problem solving tools. They also celebrate their individuality and represent multiple ways to problem solve problems.

Employing Positive Discipline in the Classroom has been the most effective form of emotional and social development I have ever encountered. It is so pleasurable to be a teacher in an environment that empowers children to have a voice to share feelings and teach empathy. The children have become thoughtful, caring, reflective and effective problem solvers in a short amount of time. It has been most surprising that children at the ages of 6 and 7 can exemplify communication skills that many adults have yet to obtain. The positive supportive language between the students is quite astounding and has created a classroom filled with love, respect and intrinsically motivated learning. Thank you for your inspiring program!

Tammy Keces

New Horizons School

Irvine, CA

The Principal of New Horizon School has posted several large Wheels of Choice on outside walls where students can easily refer to them.

When are Children Old Enough to Participate in Family Meetings?

Question:

Jane - How old do you suggest children be to start family meetings? My boys are 3 1/2 and 5 years old. I'd like to start family meetings to discuss issues that need to be addressed and get the boys involved, but I'm thinking they may be too young. Thanks.

Julie

Answer:

Hi Julie, Your 5 year old is definitely old enough. Only you will be able to tell if the 3 1/2 year old is old enough--can he participate? The magic age seems to be 4. It is very important to start family meetings as soon after 4 as possible so children start learning to use their power in useful ways and to develop the belief, "I am capable." This will eliminate many power struggles--and 4-year-olds are so good at problem-solving when given the opportunity.
You might find the following excerpt handy for getting started:

Why have Family Meetings?

An excerpt from Positive Discipline and from Our Family Meeting Album, an e-book By Jane Nelsen available at www.focusingonsolutions.com

Holding regular Family Meetings is one of the most valuable things you can do as a family. Why?
Family Meetings provide an opportunity to teach children valuable social and life skills for good character. They will learn:

• Listening skills
• Brainstorming skills
• Problem-solving skills
• Mutual respect
• The value of cooling off before solving a problem. (Problems are put on the weekly challenges pages so a cooling off period takes place before focusing on solutions to the challenge.)
• Concern for others
• Cooperation
• Accountability in a safe environment. (People don’t worry about admitting mistakes when they know they will be supported to find solutions instead of experiencing blame, shame, or pain.)
• How to choose solutions that are respectful to everyone concerned
• A sense of belonging and significance
• Social interest
• That mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn
  

Family Meetings provide an opportunity for parents to:

• Avoid power struggles by respectfully sharing control
• Avoid micromanaging children, so children learn self-discipline
• Listen in ways that invite children to listen
• Respectfully share responsibility
• Create good memories through a family tradition
• Model all of the skills they want their children to learn
  

If parents really understood the value of family meetings, it would be their most valuable parenting tool–and they would make every effort to schedule 15 to 30 minutes a week for family meetings.

Family Meeting Agenda

Compliments

Challenges
Evaluate last week’s solutions
Focus on solutions for this week’s challenges

Special Event

Meal Planning

Calendar
Weekly essentials such as events, who needs rides, etc.
Family togetherness event planning

Family Fun

Compliments

Each component of the agenda is important. Start with compliments for several reasons:

• Compliments create a positive atmosphere
• Children learn to be “good finders” when they look for and verbalize the things they appreciate about family members.
• Children usually fight less when they participate in regular family meetings beginning with compliments.
• It is important to have each member of the family give a compliment to every other member of the family so everyone feels a sense of belonging and significance.
• Remember that compliments may sound awkward in the beginning. They get better with practice.
  

You will create a positive atmosphere in your family when everyone learns to look for the good in each other and to verbalize positive comments. Please don’t expect perfection. Some sibling squabbling is normal. However, when children (and parents) learn to give and receive compliments, negative tension is reduced considerably. Of course, a positive atmosphere is increased even more when families have regular family meetings to find solutions to problems.

Family Meeting Jobs

Recorder: Be sure to have someone write down all the ideas that are brainstormed. It is so much fun to look at these ideas later – as much fun as looking at old family picture albums.
Circle the solution that works for everyone. Consensus is important in family meetings. If you can reach consensus, table this item and try again next week.

Chairperson: Rotate this job so everyone has a chance to be the “person in charge”. The Chairperson calls the meeting to order, asks for compliments to begin, and handles the Weekly Challenges page by announcing the next challenge to be solved and following the rest of the agenda.

Timekeeper: A timekeeper can keep everyone on track so the meeting doesn’t go on and on and get boring.


Do's and Don'ts for Successful Family Meetings
by Jane Nelsen

DO:
1. Remember the long-range purpose: To teach valuable life skills.
2. Post an agenda where family members can write their concerns or problems.
3. Start with compliments to set the tone by verbalizing positive things about each other.
4. Brainstorm for solutions to problems. Choose one suggestion (by consensus) that is practical and respectful and try it for a week.
5. Focus on solutions, not blame
6. Calendar a family fun activity for later in the week – and all sports and other activities (including a chauffeur schedule).
7. Keep family meetings short 10 to 30 minutes, depending on the ages of your children. End with a family fun activity, game, or dessert.

DON'T
1. Use family meetings as a platform for lectures and parental control.
2. Allow children to dominate and control. (Mutual respect is the key.)
3. Skip weekly family meetings. (They should be the most important date on your calendar.)
4. Forget that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn.
5. Forget that learning skills takes time. Even solutions that don't work provide an opportunity to learn and try again—always focusing on respect and solutions.
6. Expect children under the age of four to participate in the process. (If younger children are too distracting, wait until they are in bed.)

School Code of Conduct

Question:

Do you have any articles on School Code of Conduct?

I am on a committee in a Junior High School (Grade 7-9) for the purpose of developing a code of conduct for the students to follow.

• Some of the issues we wish to address:
• behavior between classes (in the corridors)


• behavior on the school bus (I have read your article about bus behavior on your home page)


• giving/showing respect


• consequences of negative behavior

I was hoping to get ideas from other schools and professionals to present to the committee members in preparing our own code of conduct.
Any help you can give would be appreciated.

Thanks



Answer:

Hi Mary,

Our book Positive Discipline in the Classroom addresses a school code of conduct directly and indirectly. I would like to start with your issue of giving/showing respect. We believe in mutual respect -- that it is equally important for teachers and all school personnel to show respect for students as well as visa versa. The most important way to show respect to students is to involve them in problem-solving. When students are involved in creating a code of conduct they have an investment in it and are motivated to cooperate.

Instead of consequences for negative behavior we have found it much more effective to allow students to use problems as an opportunity to learn problem-solving skills. I won't take the time or space to repeat the whole book here, but Positive Discipline in the Classroom includes the eight building blocksfor effective class meetings -- a process that answers all your questions. During class meetings students learn to "help each other" find non-punitive solutions to problems. Students feel empowered to improve their behavior when they are treated with respect, when they are listened to, and when they have their thoughts and ideas taken seriously and validated.

It is amazing what happens when teachers take the problem of behavior between classes (in the corridors) to students and ask them to develop guidelines -- or any other problem. Another useful book is, Positive Discipline A Teacher's A-Z Guide. The article you read about bus behavior is from that book. Following is another article about lunchroom behavior that illustrates the essence of what I'm trying to convey in answer to your questions. I'm sure you will see how the suggestions could be adapted to corridor behavior. The article gives suggestions for all ages of students, (the example of utensils being thrown in the trash was handled in a 7th grade class). Teachers can choose the suggestions that fit best for their grade level -- or adapt others.

I hope this helps, Mary, and that you will come to our home page often.

LUNCHROOM BEHAVIOR

From book Positive Discipline A Teacher's A-Z Guide, by Jane Nelsen, Roslyn Duffy, Linda Escobar, Kate Ortolano, and Debbie Owen-Sohocki

DISCUSSION

To "Do Lunch" means to let go of responsibilities, forget routine and to socialize extensively for a very short period of time. When the people who are "Doing Lunch" are students within a school, the potential for chaos is great. It is important to acknowledge that students need a break from their routine. It is also important that they learn to find a balance between relaxing and respecting others. Behavior in the lunchroom is a good indicator of the leadership style of school personnel. Misbehavior in the lunchroom could tell us that the leadership style is one of control. A controlling leadership style invites rebellion, resistance, and a lack of self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation and social interest. Cooperative lunchroom behavior could tell us that the school personnel leadership style is democratic. A democratic leadership style invites students to learn self-discipline,responsibility, cooperation and social interest.

SUGGESTIONS:

Anytime you see a problem behavior, simply ask the students involved what they are supposed to be doing according to the rules they helped create. (See No. 1 in Planning Ahead to Prevent Future Problems.) Often this is enough to motivate a student to change her behavior.
Another possibility is to describe the behavior you see: "I notice you are throwing food. I notice you are yelling. I notice you did not pick up your trash." Then ask, "Can you correct this problem, or would you like to put the problem on the class meeting agenda for a discussion if you don't agree with the rules, or to get help from the class?"

Admit that the behavior is a problem for you (such as loud shouting, shoving, running) even though it may not be a problem as far as the students are concerned. Ask the student if she would be willing to help you by working on a solution to the problem.

When the noise level in a lunchroom is very high, we believe that we must speak in voice that competes with that noise. Rather than yelling, lean close to the student or students and speak in a soft tone of voice.

Put all the students in the same boat. When a student at a table is throwing food, involve all of the students at that table in the clean up. "As soon as this table is cleaned up you may leave."
Let the student table monitor handle the misbehavior. (Student table monitors should be trained in methods to gain cooperation respectfully, such as using the suggestions herein. Otherwise they may try to act like dictators and invite resistance and rebellion.)

Hand a copy of the appropriate lunchroom behavior list to a table or student and ask them in a quiet voice to locate the misbehavior that they need to work on. Thank them for their cooperation.

Use a class meeting to discuss problems with behavior in the lunchroom. Invite lunchroom aides to put items on the agenda and to be present for discussion and problem-solving.

PLANNING AHEAD TO PREVENT FUTURE PROBLEMS

During a class meeting ask each class to brainstorm typical lunchroom problems and then create rules that will prevent or solve the problems. (We cannot emphasize enough how powerful it is to invite students to solve problems so they will feel respected and motivated to follow rules they have helped create.) Students enjoy role playing disrespectful lunchroom behavior followed by a role play of respectful behavior.

Invite lunchroom personnel to visit class meetings and share their concerns and ask for help and solutions. Many students are not aware of how their behavior causes problems for others.

To get students more involved in maintaining appropriate lunchroom behavior, introduce a system of students monitoring their own behavior. A position is created called a rotating monitor who ensures and respectfully motivates appropriate behavior and cleanup.

Have students from the upper grades sit with younger classes to help monitor and teach proper lunchroom behavior.

Acknowledge and validate your students need for relaxation and a break from their classroom routine. Share your own need for a lunch break. Balance this with a discussion of behavior which respects others and the property of the school.

Don't expect perfection, but keep working for improvement. Whenever something doesn't work, or works only for a short time, put it back on the class meeting agenda so the kids can discuss it and work on another solution or renewed interest in their old solution.

CLASS MEETING SOLUTIONS

During a two-day Positive Discipline in the Classroom workshop at a Navajo Reservation School, the cafeteria personnel complained about the students throwing their utensils in the garbage barrels when they scraped their food trays. A representative from the cafeteria came to a 7th grade class meeting. The students offered several suggestions. The one they chose to implement was taking turns as utensil monitors at the garbage barrels.

After about a month they decided they no longer needed utensil monitors because the students were being more respectful of school property, and were no longer throwing utensils in the garbage.

Mrs. T., an aide working in the lunchroom, put an item on the agenda for Mr. Wong's fifth grade class meeting. She shared that she was frustrated because she was having to spend a great deal of time over by the fifth grade area because of their behavior and because of the mess they were making. Mr. Wong asked her if she would like some problem-solving help and have the students in the class come up with a solution to the problem. She agreed. The class brain stormed many ideas and voted to try one which appealed to them because it involved them more in the solution.

They chose to start a system in which a student monitor at each table would be responsible to help maintain order and to make sure that students did not leave the area until any messes were cleaned up. They decided to make this position one that rotated among the students seated at the table. They were excited about trying this and agreed to work with this system for a week and then report back at the class meeting. Mrs. T. came to their meeting one week later and was delighted to be able to talk with the students about the changes she had seen. She told them that she wanted them to share their system with other classes in the school. They immediately started making plans about how they would spread the word about the system they had created.

I Was Punished, and I Turned Out

I was watching an Oprah show last night when I heard her express something very similar to what I know and have written about in the following article. Getting Oprah on the bandwagon could certainly help get the message out. For those of you who may have read this article, I revised it this morning.

“I Was Punished, and I Turned Out Just Fine”

How fine is “fine”? Fine is relative. Yes, most of us turned out just “fine.” We can laugh at some of the punishments we received as a child—and even say we deserved them. However, if we had been allowed to learn from our mistakes instead of being made to pay for them, is it possible we might be even better than “fine”?

Punishment is designed to make children “pay” for their mistakes. Discipline that teaches (the definition we prefer) is designed to help children learn from their mistakes in an atmosphere of encouragement and support. In the following story, Stan was led through a process that helped him understand the difference between punitive and non-punitive (positive)
discipline.

Stan told his parenting group about a time he cheated on a fifth-grade test. He said, “I was stupid enough to write some answers on the palm of my hand. The teacher saw me open my fist to find an answer. She grabbed my paper and tore it up in front of everyone in the class. I received an F on the test and was publicly called a cheater. The teacher told my parents and my father gave me a whipping and grounded me for a month. I never cheated again, and I certainly deserved the F.”

The group leader helped him explore this experience to help everyone in the class see if there might be a more productive way to handle this situation.

Leader:
Does everyone agree with Stan that he deserved the F?

Group:
Yes.

Leader:
Would the F have been enough to teach him the consequences of his choices, or did he need the punishment also?
Group:
Hmmmmm.
Leader:
What do you think, Stan? How did you feel about getting the F for cheating?
Stan:
I felt very guilty and very embarrassed.
Leader:
What did you decide from that?
Stan:
That I wouldn’t do it again.
Leader:
When we hear this, we may think, “See, it worked.” But let’s explore a little further and see how what may have seemed to “work” for the moment, may have had some harmful long-term results. Stan, what did you decide after receiving the whipping (punishment)?
Stan:
That I was a disappointment to my parents. I still worry about disappointing them. When I think about it, I realize how much I live in fear and self-doubt.
Leader:
So how did the punishment help you?
Stan:
Well, I had already decided I wouldn’t cheat again. The guilt and embarrassment of getting caught in front of others was enough to teach me that lesson. Actually, the worry about disappointing my parents is a real burden.
Leader:
If you had a magic wand and could change the script of that event, how would you change it? How would you change what anyone said or did?

Stan:
Well, I wouldn’t cheat.

Leader:
And after that?
Stan:
I don’t know.

Leader:
Who has any ideas you could give Stan? It is usually easier to see possibilities when you aren’t emotionally involved. What could Stan’s teacher or parents have done or said that would have demonstrated kind and firm discipline that would be effective short-term and long-term?

Group Member (Sylvia):
I’m a teacher, and I’m learning a lot from this. The teacher could have taken Stan aside and asked him why he was cheating instead of embarrassing him in front of the whole class.
Leader:
Stan, what would you have answered to that?

Stan:
That I wanted to pass the test.

Sylvia:
Then I could appreciate his desire to pass and ask him how he felt about cheating as a way to accomplish that.
Stan:
I could honestly say that it didn’t feel good and would promise never to do it again.
Sylvia:
I would then tell him he would have to receive an F for this test but that I was glad he had learned that cheating doesn’t feel good and isn’t helpful in the long run. I would then ask him to prepare a plan for me about what he would do to pass the next test.
Stan:
I would still feel guilty and embarrassed about cheating, but I would also appreciate the kindness along with the firmness. Now I see what that means.
Leader:
What Stan is teaching us is that it can be very effective to allow children to experience the consequences of their choices without adding consequences (poorly disguised punishments). Lectures just instill a sense of doubt and shame. Helping children explore the consequences
of their choices through curiosity questions can be very empowering because this helps children think for themselves and come to their own conclusions in a friendly and supportive atmosphere.
So Stan, now do you have any ideas how you could use your magic wand to change what your parents did?
Stan:
It would have been nice if they had acknowledged how guilty and embarrassed I felt. They could have empathized about what a tough lesson that was for me to learn. Then they could express their faith in me to learn from my experience and to do the right thing in the future. They could reassure me that they would love me no matter what, but that they hoped I wouldn’t disappoint myself in the future. Wow, what a concept--to worry more about disappointing myself than my parents. I find that very encouraging.

Leader:
Thank you Stan. You have just mentioned several Positive Discipline concepts and tools:

1. Positive Discipline does not mean letting children “get away” with their behavior.


2. Positive Discipline does mean helping children explore the consequences of their choices in a supportive and encouraging environment so that lasting growth and learning can
   take place by using the following tools:

• Validating feelings instead of scolding or rescuing.


• Using curiosity questions to help children explore the consequences of their choices (how they feel, what they learned, what they can do in the future) instead of shaming them through lectures and telling them how they should feel, what they should learn, and what they should do.


• Having faith in children that they can learn from their mistakes and figure out what to do in the future when encouraged to do so in a friendly and supportive atmosphere.


• Inviting children to come up with a plan (focusing on solutions) to solve the problem.


• Expressing unconditional love.

Most people turned out “fine” even if they were punished—and they might have learned even more had they received both kindness and firmness to learn from mistakes.

Turning out “fine” isn’t the issue. Are you satisfied with “fine,” or do you want your children to have the kind of nurturing that helps them bloom into the best people they can possibly be? You nurture the best in your children when your methods meet the five criteria for Positive Discipline.

• Helps children feel a sense of connection? (Belonging and Significance)


• Respectful and encouraging? (Kind and firm at the same time)


• Effective long-term? (Punishment works short term, but has negative long-term results.)


• Teaches valuable social and life skills for good character? (Respect, concern for others, problem-solving, cooperation)


• Invites children to discover how capable they are? (Encourages the constructive use of personal power and autonomy)

Are you satisfied with having your children turn out “just fine,” or would you prefer that they feel capable and empowered to be the best that they can be?

Dr. Jane Nelsen

A Positive Discipline School in Portland, OR

I just returned from doing a teacher in-service at Emerson School in Portland, OR and my heart is full. This school is a wonderful place to be. Read about their philosophy and their physical setting and you will know why. The teachers are so loving and competent—and they love Positive Discipline.

On Friday, I visited class meetings and felt so gratified. It made my life’s work seem so worthwhile to see children giving each other compliments that were so articulate, thoughtful, specific, and sincere. Listening to them solve problems was such a joy. They were so respectful of each other and so thoughtful as they brainstormed for solutions to problems. One class had a lot of fun role playing a suggested solution so the student could practice doing what she thought would solve the problem. When possessing what they learned from the role play, many of the students shared insights they had gained that they would not have noticed before.

The teachers confessed that they really don’t have many problems to work on because the students have learned so much about respect and problem-solving from their daily exposure to Positive Discipline class meetings and other methods.

Before arriving in Portland I had been thinking about how sad it is that homework and testing has become such a source of misery for students, parents, and teachers. In fact, I have been thinking about writing a book titled, "Homework and Testing Hell." It is so sad to me that homework power struggles take up so much family time. I hear parents share their obsession with good grades (they feel so much pressure to have their children achieve academically), and sadly watch children feel so discouraged as they feel the "sense" that grades are more important to their parents than they are. This hurts, so they often rebel or get even by purposely showing a lack of concern and motivation. Some actually give up because it seems so impossible to meet all the expectations put upon them. I was feeling very discouraged until I walked into Emerson School.

The staff at Emerson struggles with the homework and testing issues. They know that tests and homework are not true indicators of learning—and, if fact, often take the joy out of learning. Still they have to comply with state testing. They work very hard to create a balance of the "ridiculous" things they have to do by making sure they have a curriculum and includes opportunities for true joy in learning.

During our Saturday in-service, I wanted to make sure the teachers also experienced the joy of learning as we engaged in many experiential activities including, "It’s a Jungle Out There," a fun way to learn about respecting separate realities and team building; "Cooperative Juggling," to teach about the need for guidelines to avoid chaos—and that every person is essential to the success of the group; "Six Lists" to create a map (through brainstorming six lists) about what we want for our children, and how challenges can help us get there through understanding how to avoid the negatives of being only kind or only firm so we can experience the positives of being both kind and firm; "Top Card" to help teacher’s gain a better awareness of the assets and liabilities of their own personalities and what they invite from others (children), and the "Teachers Helping Teachers Problem Solving Steps" where teachers learn to support each other in role playing for better understanding of a behavior challenge, and the brainstorming for encouraging ways to use the challenging behaviors as a platform for teaching students valuable social and life skills for good character. I believe I speak for the teachers when I say we had a lot of fun and learned a lot.

I have asked Emerson School to become a Positive Discipline demonstration school and they are excited about the possibility. Don’t pass up the opportunity to visit this wonderful school if you get a chance.