The Wheel of Choice

A primary theme of Positive Discipline is to focus on solutions. The wheel of choice provides an excellent way to focus on solutions, especially when kids are involved in creating the Wheel of Choice.  Some parents and teachers have their kids make the wheel of choice from scratch. This Wheel of Choice was created by 3-year-old Jake with the help of his mom, Laura Beth. Jake chose the clip art he wanted to represent some choices. His Mom, shared the following success story.

Jake used his Wheel of Choice today. Jake and his sister (17 months old) were sitting on the sofa sharing a book. His sister, took the book and Jake immediately flipped his lid. He yelled at her, grabbed the book, made her cry. She grabbed it back and I slowly walked in. I asked Jake if he’d like to use his Wheel Of Choice to help—and he actually said YES!  He chose to “share his toys.” He got his sister her own book that was more appropriate for her and she gladly gave him his book back. They sat there for a while and then traded!

The Wheel of Choice below is from a program created by Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen (illustrations by Paula Gray). It includes 14 lessons to teach the skills for using the Wheel of Choice. Click Here to get a more complete description and to order your own Wheel of Choice: A Problem Solving Program.

After teaching all the lessons to her students, and having them color their individual slices of the wheel after each lesson, one teacher asked her students to choose their four favorite solutions from the their wheel of choice. They then cut them out and made mobiles to hang above their desks so they could look up and remember their favorite solutions to conflict. Kids are great at focusing on solutions when we teach them problem-solving skills.

FRIEND OR PARENT

by Jane Nelsen, co-author of Positive Discipline for Teenagers.

I just received an interesting question from a journalist wondering if parents could be both a friend and a disciplinarian. Following is my answer:

I'm not sure what you mean by disciplinarian and what you mean by friend. When people say, “You should be a parent, not a friend to your children,” I always wonder what kind of friend they are talking about. The implication is that friends are wishy washy. I don't have any wishy washy friends. My friends treat me with respect, are honest, hold me accountable, tell me what I need to hear in very loving ways, and don't put up with disrespect. And they love me and encourage me through all my ups and downs. Sounds like good parenting to me.

Regarding the disciplinarian part of the question, in all of the Positive Discipline books, we do not advocate punishment of any kind--which is what most people mean by disciplinarian. We believe in respectfully involving kids in focusing on solutions that are respectful to everyone.

How many friends would we have if we used the disciplinarian methods used by many parents?

1) Lecture
2) Nag
3) Try to control through punishments and withdrawal of privileges
4) Tell us what to do, when to do it, and how to do it
5) Withdraw love or show strong disappointment when expectations aren’t met

A theme I share with parents and teachers is "connection before correction." In other words, you have to have a good relationship before you can teach children anything--and then correction still means solving problems together respectfully. Parents would have much greater influence if they were good friends to their children by:

1) Encouraging (unconditional love)
2) Friendly discussions
3) Brainstorming for solutions
4) Scheduling special time for fun
5) Regular family meetings that involve all of the above
6) Making sure kids know you are on their side

One father shared that he was in the middle of an argument with his teenaged son when he stopped and said, “Son, do you know I’m on your side?” His son got tears in his eyes and said, “How would I know that?” Friends usually know we are on their side. Do our children?

Create a connection (closeness and trust), and then use respectful methods for correction. In other words, be a good friend to your child.

THE ART OF ACTIVE LISTENING

Active (or reflective) listening is another effective tool of communication, one that will serve you well as you parent your child and (sooner than you may think) the adolescent that child will become. Active listening is the art of observing and listening to feelings, then reflecting them back. Active listening does not require that you agree with your child’s feelings, but it allows your child to feel connected and understood— something all people need—and provides an opportunity to explore and clarify those mysterious impulses known as emotions.

Four‐year‐old Chrissy ran through the front door, slamming it so forcefully that the pictures rattled on the wall, and promptly burst into tears. “Tammy took my ball,” she wailed. “I hate her!” Then Chrissy threw herself onto the sofa in a storm of sobs.

Her mom, Diane, looked up from the bills she was paying. Resisting the impulse to scold Chrissy for slamming the door, she said quietly, “You seem pretty angry, kiddo.”

Chrissy pondered for a moment. “Mom,” she said plaintively, sniffling a little, “Tammy is bigger than me. It isn’t fair for her to take away my stuff.”

″It must be pretty frustrating to be picked on by a big girl,” Diane said, still focusing on reflecting her daughter’s feelings. “Yeah. I’m mad,” the little girl said firmly. “I don’t want to play with her anymore.” She sat quietly for a moment, watching as Diane put stamps on envelopes. “Mom, can I go play out in the backyard?” Diane gave her daughter a hug—and a great deal more.

By simply reflecting back her daughter’s underlying feelings (active listening), Diane refrained from lecturing, rescuing, or discounting her daughter’s feelings. She allowed Chrissy the opportunity to explore what was going on for her, and in the process, Chrissy discovered a solution to her own problem. Some other time, Diane might be able to talk with Chrissy about avoiding future problems—and perhaps ask her what she could do to express her anger instead of slam the door.

Diane also showed respect for her daughter’s feelings. Parents often do not agree with (or completely understand) their children’s emotions, but active listening does not require you to agree or completely understand. It invites children to feel heard and lets them know it’s okay to feel whatever they feel. Validating a child’s feelings with love and understanding opens the door for real connection and problem solving and works toward building a lifelong relationship of love and trust.

Pretend these statements are made by a child. How would you respond?

″No! I won’t take a nap!”
″I want a bottle like the baby has.”
″I hate going to the doctor.”
″Nobody will let me play with them.”

Some parents try to argue a child out of her feelings in hopes of changing her mind or helping her feel better. These attempts may sound like this:

″Of course you need your nap—you’ve been up since six. When will you learn that you need to rest?”
″Don’t be silly. Only babies use bottles. You’re a big boy now.”
″I keep telling you, you have to go to the doctor to feel better.”
″Why sweetie, you know you have lots of friends. What about . . .”

Each of these examples may leave the child feeling misunderstood and defensive—with the likely result of an argument and frustration for both of you. Active listening might sound like this:

″You look disappointed that you have to stop playing with your toys. You were having a lot of fun.”
″Sounds like you’re feeling left out in all the fuss over your new baby sister. Is there more you can tell me?”
″Sometimes I feel a little afraid of going to the doctor, too.”
″You seem pretty sad about being ignored by the older kids.”

These responses make no judgments and open the door for children to go further in exploring their feelings. Asking “Is there more?” indicates a willingness to listen and may help a child discover deeper, buried feelings.

Like most adults, sometimes all children really need is for someone to listen and understand. Active listening will help your child learn about his own feelings (and appropriate ways to express them) and will help you focus on what’s really important.

A Passion For Positive Discipline

Many people who experience the benefits of Positive Discipline get excited and want to share it with others. It warmed my heart to read the following letter from a very enthusiastic new Certified Positive Discipline Trainer Candidate. I asked Cynthia for her permission to share it in my blog.

LETTER OF INTENT:

I am so excited to finally write this Letter of Intent to the Positive Discipline Association! Being a mother of two girls, ages 4 and 6, and working full time, I have historically found so little time left over for personal things. However, since I have been implementing the Positive Discipline tools I have found that I can actually take “me time” by allowing my girls to do for themselves much of what I have always done for them. Presently, my first grader is reading her younger sister the bedtime book she chose, at both of their requests, and they are enjoying it greatly. I am also enjoying it as I sit at the desk beside their beds, listening to the story as I compose this letter.

I was first introduced to Positive Discipline in November of last year. I was having lunch with my closest friend and fellow social worker and discussing how “stressed out” I was with some behaviors my first grader was exhibiting. She mentioned that she had purchased the 5 CD set called the “Positive Discipline Workshop” and asked if I would like to listen to it. Since I have a one-hour commute each way to and from work I agreed to take the CDs and give them a try. After all, it certainly couldn’t hurt.

I never anticipated how much my life would change as a result of the information I gained from Positive Discipline. I couldn’t get enough! I found myself going out to my car during breaks at work just to listen to Jane Nelsen. I was thirsty for this information, and wanted to learn more and more! After listening to a few of the CDs I thought, “This stuff is the simple truth. The world needs this information!” By the time I finished the CDs I felt absolutely certain about what I wanted to do with my career and my life. It was so wonderful to hear from Jane that I could not only learn Positive Discipline and reap the benefits in my own life; I could become a Positive Discipline Associate and teach this invaluable information to others!

Teaching Parenting DVD Training

I visited the Positive Discipline website to search for upcoming classes in my area. I noticed that there were classes coming up, but not nearly soon enough for me. My hunger for more knowledge about Positive Discipline was (and continues to be) so paramount in my life that I felt I needed immediate gratification. For Christmas last year I asked my family for one thing: the Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way training course on DVD. Thankfully, my family loves me and got me just what I wanted. I watched the training course at home, and listened to it in the car from the DVD player in the back seat. Even if I couldn’t see the participants, I could hear the content and loved everything about it.

I continued to check out the website every day. That is where I found Mary Maguire, a Lead Trainer for Positive Discipline who lives in my area. I e-mailed Mary and said, “I love this stuff! Teach me!” She invited me assist in her next class. It has been wonderful to practice and witness the experiential activities to build on what I have learned from the DVD Training. My enthusiasm for learning Positive Discipline continues to grow everyday, as well as my confidence that I have finally found what I want to do with my career. The discovery of Positive Discipline has ignited in me a spark that I have never experienced before, and I finally feel that I have truly discovered my “niche.”

I have implemented several tools from Positive Discipline in my own family and have seen the extraordinary changes that can take place. Our home has become more peaceful and well functioning.  Our relationships have deepened with our understanding and practicing of mutual respect.

Positive Discipline Tool Cards

I have seen positive changes in my children in just a short time. They are developing an attitude of competence and are doing more things for themselves. They participate more in everyday responsibilities and are developing their feelings of capability and confidence. My girls are now getting themselves ready for school in the morning and bed at night by following the routine charts we created together. Historically, mornings and evenings were the most stressful times of the day. They are making many of their own snacks, cleaning up and taking care of their own things, learning to “cool off” independently and go to their “chill-out spots” and they seem to be resolving more of their conflicts independent of my involvement.  Our family is learning to manage problems with mutual respect and finding solutions that work for everyone involved.

One of my favorite Positive Discipline sayings is “Where in the world did we get the crazy idea that in order to make kids do better we must first make them feel worse?” The approach taught by Positive Discipline is simple but extremely effective. Being kind and firm at the same time is the best approach for parents and educators to foster healthy development of self and others in their children. The Mistaken Goal Chart has shed invaluable light on why children behave in the manner that they do. By understanding their mistaken goals, and redirecting their behavior to achieve their goals in more respectful ways, everyone benefits.

This journey is very exciting for me, and I love this new chapter in my life! I appreciate that Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen address the issue that I don’t have to know all of the answers before I teach my first class. In fact, they say that over-preparation can actually cause teachers to be less effective and more boring! I don’t anticipate that I will ever have a boring class or session. How could something so exciting ever be boring? Thank you for your consideration of my application. I am so looking forward to the long future I will have with the Positive Discipline Association.

Sincerely,

Cynthia L. Knoell, LICSW
Minneapolis, MN

Positive Discipline and the Wheel of Choice

Dear Dr. Jane Nelsen,

Early in the school year my first grade students were introduced to the Positive Discipline Wheel of Choice during our classroom meetings. We use the Wheel of Choice daily to solve problems and come up with solutions. While role-playing a problem during a classroom meeting, the children discovered that each of them had their own solutions that worked best for them in any given situation. As an extension to this idea, the children created “Wheel of Choice Mobiles.” Each child first created a 5 inch “self-portrait” detailing everything from their hair to what clothes they like to wear. Next, they picked four strategies that they thought they could best use when trying to solve a problem. Then, we attached the four different strategies from their mobiles and hung them above their table spots. As a result, when the children are faced with an immediate problem they simply look up at their own mobiles and are reminded of the strategies they think works best for them. The mobiles have hung above their tables since the beginning of the year and still work as effective problem solving tools. They also celebrate their individuality and represent multiple ways to problem solve problems.

Employing Positive Discipline in the Classroom has been the most effective form of emotional and social development I have ever encountered. It is so pleasurable to be a teacher in an environment that empowers children to have a voice to share feelings and teach empathy. The children have become thoughtful, caring, reflective and effective problem solvers in a short amount of time. It has been most surprising that children at the ages of 6 and 7 can exemplify communication skills that many adults have yet to obtain. The positive supportive language between the students is quite astounding and has created a classroom filled with love, respect and intrinsically motivated learning. Thank you for your inspiring program!

Tammy Keces

New Horizons School

Irvine, CA

The Principal of New Horizon School has posted several large Wheels of Choice on outside walls where students can easily refer to them.

Messy Rooms

A member of the Positive Discipline Social Network asked for help regarding the power struggle to get her children to clean up their rooms. I shared the following excerpt from Positive Discipline A-Z by Jane Nelsen, Lynn Lott, and H. Stephen Glenn:


“My children refuse to clean their rooms. They have dirty clothes under the bed, dirty dishes and spoiled food on their dressers, and toys strewn everywhere. No matter how much I nag and complain, we don’t seem to make any progress on their rooms.”

Understanding Your Child, Yourself, and the Situation

Messy rooms and unfinished homework are complaints we hear often from parents of children of all ages. These issues become a real battleground in many families. Often children share rooms, and this becomes another reason for fighting. Some families are comfortable letting the children keep their rooms the way they like them, but it is possible to have a semblance of order in your children’s rooms if that is important to you. Helping your children organize and clean their rooms can be worth the effort, and children learn many valuable life skills through this process. Success requires commitment to time for training and ongoing supervision on your part.

Suggestions

1. With young children, it is important to clean with them so they don’t become overwhelmed. Sit in the middle of the room and pick up a toy, saying, “I wonder where this goes? Can you show me?” Wait until the child puts the toy away and then start over. Do this at least once a week.
2. Many preschool children collect scraps of paper, rocks, string, and other treasures. It is okay to remove these objects when your child is out. If she objects, let her help sort the items, but usually young children don’t miss the clutter and just start collecting again. When children get old enough to notice and care, be respectful of their treasures and leave them alone.
3. It is never too late to "Take Time for Training."  Let your kids know that you will clean their rooms WITH them for two weeks. This can include tips for organizing. Once you know that they know how, you could get them involved in a “morning 3 minute pickup" (a little game to see how much they can do in just 3 minutes), and a "bedtime 3 minute pickup." Let them take turns setting a timer—or get a timer for each of them. Then decide together on a time every Saturday morning when everyone works on cleaning the house together. A lot can get done in 30 to 60 minutes when everyone is working together. This can include each person doing the heavy cleanup in his or her room.
4. You may be part of the problem if you buy your child too many toys. That is easily corrected. Suggest that she choose some to put on a shelf and take down later. You might also suggest that your children clear out toys they no longer play with and give them to a charitable organization, for other kids to enjoy.
5. Do not bribe or reward children for doing what needs to be done. Caring for their rooms is their job to help the family, and they don’t need a prize to do it. Do not connect allowances to cleaning rooms. By the same token, do not threaten to take away your children’s possessions if they don’t take care of them. 
6. Some parents choose to ignore messy rooms. They allow children to keep their rooms any way they want, but get them involved in solutions to keep common rooms clean.
7. Another possibility is to give your child a choice, “Do you want to clean your room or do you want me to? If I clean, I get to throw away anything that seems worthless.” Another choice could be, “Do you want to clean your room, or pay a housekeeper out of your allowance?” Your tone of voice will determine whether or not the choice is received respectfully or as an invitation for a power struggle.
8. For children who argue over sharing a room, suggest they work it out together or at a family meeting.

Planning Ahead to Prevent Future Problems

1. Let your children have a say in how their rooms are decorated. Children have distinct taste in colors and decor, and it is important that their rooms be theirs and not yours. Make sure they have plenty of containers and shelf space for their toys and possessions.
2. With children ages two to ten, it often works to say, “Here is how your room needs to be kept. You may play with your toys or move things around, but put them back the way the room is set up when you are done.” Some children are perfectly happy to comply with your wishes when stated unemotionally. If your children want more involvement, use the other suggestions.
3. During a family meeting set up a routine with your children for cleaning rooms. With school-age children, one that works well is to have the room cleaned before breakfast. If the child forgets, simply turn her plate upside down as a nonverbal reminder to go clean her room before joining the family for breakfast. When children take part in making the plan, they are more likely to cooperate in following through with it. Be realistic about what you consider clean. If children push things under the bed or pull the covers up over wrinkled sheets, let it go.
4. As children get older, it works better to have one day a week when they clean their rooms.  They need to return dirty dishes to the kitchen, put their laundry in the laundry basket, vacuum, dust, and change their sheets. Having a deadline that you enforce works best. For instance, the room must be cleaned before dinner on Saturday. If you aren’t around to enforce the deadline, don’t expect your children to clean their rooms.
5. Twice a year, go through your child’s clothing with her to remove clothing that no longer fits and donate it to a charity like Goodwill or the Salvation Army. You can also put away clothing that is out of season.
6. You may wish to have a discussion about your “minimum standards” for a room, especially as your children get older. You might say, for instance, “I’m not happy with the situation, but I’m willing to live with your room the way you like it as long as my minimum standards are met. They are that the dirty dishes be returned to the kitchen once a week, that the floors get vacuumed once a week, and that the sheets are changed on weekends.”

Life Skills Children Can Learn

Children can learn how to maintain a routine, contribute to the family, organize and care for their possessions, and cooperate. They can also explore their own taste and express their uniqueness in the decoration and organization of their rooms.

Parenting Pointers

1. A clean room may be high on your priority list, but very low on your child’s. If you choose to make this a battle ground, your child may keep a messy room just to win the battle. Keep perspective -- remember that many neat adults were once messy children.
2. Don’t worry that your friends will look at your children’s rooms and wonder about your housekeeping. Your friends can tell the difference between your standards and your children’s.

Booster Thoughts

Krista and her brother Tom loved to decorate their rooms. Every two or three years, their taste would change completely--from circus themes and kittens to baseball players and ballerinas to rock stars and movie heartthrobs. There were times when posters covered every square inch of wall and ceiling space and times when the walls were painted hot pink or black. The rooms reflected their unique personalities, interests, and tastes.

Tom and Krista helped paint their rooms and pick out fabrics for drapes and bedspreads. The posters they wanted would be at the top of their birthday or Christmas wish lists. On occasion, they could be found moving their furniture around into some new arrangement. Some years the rooms were orderly and clean; other years they collected chaos and confusion. Each room usually boasted at least one sign on the door announcing, “Come In,” “Keep Out,” or “Beware.”

These two children were encouraged to be themselves and express the ways in which they are unique. They loved the opportunity to express their individuality, and their parents enjoyed watching each new aspect of their personalities develop. We wish this for you and your children.

Announcing Positive Discipline San Diego

Announcing

Jane Nelsen, Ed.D, MFT, and Mary Nelsen Tamborski, MA, IMFT are happy to announce their association with Roots and Wings Counseling and Consulting in La Mesa, CA where they are now accepting new clients interested in marriage, family, individual and group counseling, and parent coaching.

Mary and Jane are also available for speaking engagements and parenting classes in the San Diego area. Hear the whole truth about Positive Discipline: Two Generations. You will also learn many Positive Discipline Tools for Ending Power Struggles while Teaching Children Valuable Social and Life Skills and why Couples who parent together, stay together.

Mark your Calendar

You are invited to the Roots and Wings Counseling and Consulting open house February 9 from 6:00 to 8:00 PM. Meet our staff. Browse through our upcoming classes and events (receive a free deck of Positive Discipline Tool Cards for early registration), and enjoy light snacks. 9541 Grossmont Summit Drive, La Mesa, CA 91941

UPCOMING WORKSHOPS AND CLASSES

Positive Discipline Workshop: Defiance to Self-Reliance
Facilitators: Mary Nelsen Tamborski and Jenny Trainor
Two Saturday Mornings: February 26, 2011 and March 5—9:00 AM to 1:00 PM
$95 per person, $160 per couple
Call 858-254-9378 to give yourself the gift that can change your life!



Positive Discipline Workshop: Defiance to Self-Reliance
Facilitators: Mary Nelsen Tamborski and Jenny Trainor
Four Monday Evenings: February 21, to March 14—6:00 to 8:00 PM
$95 per person, $160 per couple
Call 858-254-9378 to give yourself the gift that can change your life!


Coming Soon: Positive Discipline San Diego

We are forming a Positive Discipline Coop that will include a website listing all Positive Discipline facilitators, therapists, coaches, classes and workshops in San Diego County, as well as articles and helpful hints.                        

My Teenager Doesn’t Keep His Agreements

"My Teenager Doesn’t Keep His Agreements!" If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that line. . . Does anyone have a teenager who does keep all his or her agreements? Did you?Now that we’ve established that this is a typical complaint of many parents of teens, what is an effective way to handle this challenge?

It is with pleasure that I quote Certified Positive Discipline Trainer, Kelly Pfieffer, who responded to a parent on  the Positive Discipline Social Network who wondered how to get her son to keep his agreement to take out the trash:

Wow, can I relate.  I don't have much time this morning to answer. Similar issue with my 17 yo son. His job is to bring in the trash. He works each Wednesday evening and would "forget" to bring the trash & recycling bin in when he got home. Then he would forget again in the morning though the trash can is clearly visible on his way to his car on the way to school. So the trash can would sit out all day the next day and my husband would be especially upset because it's obvious to the neighbors that our trash can has not been brought in.

After reminding & nagging, I was SOOOOOOOOOOOo frustrated with him for a while. Finally, I wondered how I could connect with my son, follow through and teach my son about responsibility.  The thing I decided was to simply make the job one that my son and I do together.

When he got home from work each Wednesday night, I gave him the opportunity to bring the trash in on his way in the house. Of course, he didn't so I would greet him with a hug and cheerfully say, "We're doing the trash together now. Let's get it done." So one of us would get the trashcan and the other would get the recycling bin. We'd put them away and walk in the house together. I had resolved that I would not piggy back or act negatively and that I would enjoy doing this task with my son.

Each week, I waited to see if he would bring it in on his own and he didn't for about 3 or 4 weeks, so we did the job together and I continued to be positive and enjoy the task. BUT THENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN............................................ aha, he started walking straight from his car to the trash can and taking care of both the trash can and the recycling bin.

It hasn't been perfect, but I have noticed a HUGE improvement and if needed, I will do the task with him again. Also really, his attitude about the job is much better and he remembers most of the time. Now it's unusual for him to forget when it used to be unusual for him to remember the trash.
Read Kelly Pfeiffer’s many excellent articles about Positive Discipline on the following website: Suite101.com, Examiner.com, BlissfullyDomestic.com, PreschoolRock.com. Just search for Kelly Pfeiffer’s name.

I would like to make a few points about why I love Kelly’s answer:

Connection Before Correction
You may be familiar with the Positive Discipline concept of “connection before correction.” Nagging and punishment does not create a connection. Instead, they create distance and hostility. In the long-term, connection is more important than the trash—and is the most likely thing you can do to encourage cooperation for keeping agreements.

Modeling What You Want
We all know that example is the best teacher, yet too often we don't model what we want. What are parents modeling when they yell, nag, and punish? On the other hand, Kelly modeled putting relationships first and using the "trash" as an opportunity for connection? Which example provides the best long-term memories and decisions about how to behave?

Teen Priorities
Trash is not on the list of top priorities for teens (just as it wasn't on yours when you were a teen). What is on their list: friends (do I fit in or not), girl/boy friends (am I good enough to have one), grades/homework (can I get good ones or not; if not should I rebel or act like I don't care; drugs (should I or shouldn't I), sex (should I or shouldn't I), pressure (since I can never seem to please my parents, why try?) electronics (I'm not addicted, I just like it), sports, etc., etc. etc.
Trash (huh?)

Perspective
Keep in mind that who your teen is today is not who he or she will be forever. The teen years are a time of intense individuation—discovering who they are separate from their parents. Healthy individuation requires a little rebellion. We all know it can be a tough time. What kind of modeling do you think will eventually bring them back to the values you have spent years teaching? What kind of modeling (and memories) do you think will serve your teens for the rest of their lives?

Positive Discipline Workbook

For years I have wanted to create a Positive Discipline Workbook. However, I did not want it to be a boring, fill in the blanks workbook. Then I discovered Diane Durand's illustrations and felt inspired to finish the project in a different way.

Each lesson in this Positive Discipline Workbook is filled with illustrations to capture your interest and tell the Positive Discipline story better than words alone. Experiential activities and parenting tools are included in each lesson. In the first lesson you will learn what to do when your child won't listen. You'll also learn what happens when your buttons are pushed.

The Positive Discipline Workbook book can be used for self-study. Or, you may want to invite friends for a parenting party and learn together.

As our special Holiday Gift to you, we are offering the first lesson of the workbook as a FREE download on the Positive Discipline Website. Click Here!

What is Positive Discipline?

1981

I wrote and self published Positive Discipline in 1981. Can you believe that cover? I did it myself--not enough money to hire a cover designer. :-)  You should see how ridiculous it looks on the inside (which I also did myself, before the advance of word processing). Much to my surprise, the first 2,000 sold within one year, so I printed another 5000--again gone in a year. So, I hired a book designer for the next printing of 10,000. In six years I had sold over 80,000 copies as a self-publisher when Ballantine discovered the book and began publishing Positive Discipline in 1987. It has now sold more than one million copies--and I have written many other Positive Discipline titles with several co-authors.

Designed cover

The books got better, but you can see
that the spine on the first was upside down
and spelled wrong

2006 Revised Edition

I am so excited by the growth of Positive Discipline. There are so many wonderful people all around the world using Positive Discipline in their daily lives. Our Positive Discipline Network is growing every day and I see people encouraging and helping each other apply the principles of Positive Discipline.

Unfortunately with the growth of the Internet, I also see many people misusing the term Positive Discipline.  The original book was based on the philosophy of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs, and does not advocate punishment, praise, rewards, punitive time-out or withdrawal of privileges. These methods of discipline come from the realm of Behaviorism and teaches children an external locus of control. ("I'll behave well for the reward and to avoid the punishment.") The original Positive Discipline teaches children an internal locus of control. ("I'll behave well, even when no one is looking, because I like feeling capable, connected, and making a contribution to society.")

Each week I receive an email from Google which lists all the websites mentioning the term Positive Discipline. Often these websites grossly misrepresent the basic Adlerian philosophy of treating children with dignity and respect. How can they possibly justify any form of punishment as "positive"???  Even when they talk about "logical consequences," what they describe in poorly disguised punishment.

Just this morning I received a Google notice of a blog titled "Tips for Effective and Positive Discipline Strategies". The blog post was filled with references to praise, consequences and punitive time-out. It even had a YouTube video of the SuperNanny teaching a very punitive way of using time-out with a toddler. But contrary to the blog title, the article had very little to do with the original Positive Discipline.

Recently my son sent me a flyer that my granddaughter brought home from school. The flyer announced that they would be using a Positive Discipline approach at her school. Below is an exact quote from the flyer.


"A positive discipline approach is followed including praise, and rewarding class and table points redeemable within the regular classroom in conjunction with their reward system, and, where necessary, support of the school's specialty teacher discipline program: should severe misconduct occur, a reminder to follow the rules will be given; if a second reminder is necessary, the student will complete a "behavior log;" a third similar misbehavior will result in a phone call to the parent/guardian and will result in notification of the student's other teachers; should the behavior continue, more severe consequences, such as missing another specialty class, or referral to the office, will occur; those who cannot follow the procedures will also lose computer time for the period."

Let me be very clear that this is NOT Positive Discipline.

So what is Positive Discipline? We have a very clear description titled "What is Positive Discipline" on the Positive Discipline website. On that page we also list the following "Five Criteria for Positive Discipline":

FIVE CRITERIA FOR POSITIVE DISCIPLINE

1. Helps children feel a sense of connection. (Belonging and significance)
2. Is mutually respectful and encouraging. (Kind and firm at the same time.)
3. Is effective long - term. (Considers what the child is thinking, feeling, learning, and deciding about himself and his world – and what to do in the future to survive or to thrive.)
4. Teaches important social and life skills . (Respect, concern for others, problem solving, and cooperation as well as the skills to contribute to the home, school or larger community.)
5. Invites children to discover how capable they are. (Encourages the constructive use of personal power and autonomy.)

Many people fear that if they stop using punishment, praise, rewards--the only alternative is permissiveness. In the original Positive Discipline, we make it very clear that permissiveness is not healthy for children and does not teach inner locus of control for responsibility, cooperation, and problem-solving skills. Because so many people wonder, "What else is there if you give up punishment and rewards? (Behaviorism), we have developed 52 Positive Discipline Tool Cards that summarize the hundreds of alternative discipline methods discussed thoroughly in the Positive Discipline books.

If you believe in the Positive Discipline methods, please help us educate people who are misusing the term. Feel free to share the "What is Positive Discipline" link. Make comments on blog posts and share your own experiences with Positive Discipline. Help educate the staff at your children's school. Together we can help maintain the mutually respectful concepts of Positive Discipline so that our children will learn the valuable social and life skills necessary to be contributing members of society.

Defiance: Where does it come from?

Question:

Dear Jane:

My daughter is 7 3/4. This morning, she left the house and walked to school without saying a word. What is an appropriate disciplinary action for this? I feel that the issues are:

1) Anxiety: in me & her Kindergarten Brother - every morning we walk to school as a family, she snuck out the back door and headed to school. Meanwhile, my son and I were calling around the house, and looking around our property for her. We walked to school hoping that she would be there. My son was worried that Madison would be afraid if we're at school and she was still home. I knew she would be there, but in the back of my mind I did have worry about her safety.

2) Defiance: I believe part of her sneaking out without saying anything was an act of defiance. Earlier she had hit her brother and taken his Pokemon cards away. I had previously told her not to touch his cards while they were getting ready for school - we have a rule about no playing with toys while getting ready or they get taken away and put in my room. After the incident I asked her to give me her Pokemon cards - which she said were lost. I then asked her to think about what else of hers I could hold on to until she figures out how to stop hitting her brother and playing with cards while getting ready.

I was thinking that one angle might be to talk to her about what it means to be in the family, including the privileges; pack up some of her "things", and give her the opportunity to act like a part of the family and earn her things back.

Looking forward to your insight. Jill

Answer:

Hi Jill,

A new theme of Positive Discipline is "Connection before Correction." The first thing you need to do is make a connection with your daughter. There are several ways to do this.

1. Make sure the message of love gets through: Honey, I really love you and I need your help to figure out how to solve this problem.
2. Validate her feelings: Sweetie, I'm wondering if you are feeling angry about what happened this morning? I wonder if it hurt your feelings when I yelled at you and you wanted to hurt me back by leaving without telling me.
3. Name what is going on and take responsibility for your part: I think we are in a power struggle or a revenge cycle and I'm wondering what I have done to create this. Maybe I'm being too bossy and focusing on punishment instead of having faith in you to work out solutions.
4. Try a hug.

Okay, you may be wondering, after the connection--then what? After a connection has been made, children (and adults) exit their mid brain mentality (fight or flight) and enter their rational minds where positive learning can take place. During this time you can focus on a solution instead of a punishment (even if it is called appropriate disciplinary action): Honey, I really would like to hear your version of what happened this morning. I saw you hitting your brother and I'm wondering, and I'm wondering what happened before that. This is where it is important for you to just listen. Don't interrupt and give your explain your point of view. Don't tell her she shouldn't think of feel this way. Just listen and then validate her feelings. Then you can ask, "Would you be willing to hear what happened for me and why I was so upset?"

Children will listen to you AFTER they feel listened too--so long as you don't get into the lecture mode that include blame and shame.

This could be followed by focusing on solutions where both of you can figure out what will work. You might ask if she would like to brainstorm together for solutions right now, or put the problem on the family meeting agenda where the whole family can brainstorm for solutions.
First let me teach you about some preventative methods. If she is feeling defiant, are you willing to take a look at your part in creating that defiance?

It sounds to me like you are talking too much. You do a lot of telling instead of asking. Please look at the two lists below and decide which one might invite defiance if you were a child, and which one might invite cooperation and the opportunity for you to feel capable and responsible?

Telling Parent
Go brush your teeth.
Don't forget your coat.
Go to bed.
Do your homework.
Stop fighting with your brother.
Put your dishes in the dishwasher.
Hurry up and get dressed or you'll miss the bus.
Stop whining.
Pick up your toys.

Asking Parent
1. What do you need to do so your teeth will be squeaky clean?
2. What do you need to take so you will be warm outside?
3. What do you need to do to get ready for bed?
4. What is your plan for doing your homework?
5. What can you and your brother do to solve this problem?
6. What do you need to do with your dishes when you have finished eating?
7. What do you need to do so you catch the bus on time?
8. What words can you use so I can hear you?
9. What do you need to do with your toys when you are finished playing with them?

I hope you did find Positive Discipline A-Z so you can look up "Fighting" for many more ideas on how to deal with sibling rivalry. Please keep one thing in mind. You don't know what your son may have done to provoke your daughter. By taking sides you engage in victim/bully training. You son gets to feel loved by being the victim (and will master this role and learn more ways to provoke so he can get sympathy) and your daughter gets to feel like a defiant bully (and will master this role). Instead, try using the words "kids" or "children." "I have faith in you kids that you can work out this problem. Let me know when you have found a solution."

I hope you will start having regular family meetings so your children can learn many valuable social and life skills that will help them develop a sense that they are capable and have a lot to contribute with their good ideas for solving problems.

My best to you.

Demanding Child

Question:

I am a mother of 5 children aged 8, 7, 5, 4 and 8 months old. There are many things I could ask about but I have gained so much just through reading as much as I can through your website. As well as this, we plan to order at least one of your books when we can afford it.

However, something I have not come across yet and am desperate to have answered is this. My (just turned) 4 year old son is very difficult to live with and hard to figure out at the moment. Briefly put, firstly, he will speak over someone else in the family or try to override their will with his without paying any attention to what they need or want no matter how reasonable. For example, when I am talking on the telephone, (which isn't that often), he will talk to me or yell and demand for what he wants even though he knows I'm talking to somebody else, it's very embarrassing. If he wants his own way he will fight or make a scene to get it no matter who's around or where we might be at the time! We sometimes give in to him because it's just easier, more peaceful or if in town, less embarrassing than to fight it. But other times, I stand my ground with him and have to calmly and kindly carry him out of the room to gently hold him and calm him down. The second problem is this, lately he has taken to hitting me whenever he perceives that I am being "mean" to him which is usually over the slightest little thing, like me kindly correcting him with a lilt in my voice or asking him not to annoy his sisters or brothers. But worse than that, he is verbally abusing me at the same time. He repeatedly says he "hates" me, that I'm being "mean to him", that I don't love him, that I'm a "disgusting" mother, when all I've done is tried to love him by setting boundaries for him. He totally overreacts and misunderstands me and my intentions.

I've always had a strong bond with him as a baby and he's normally a very joyful, delightful, social, outgoing, gregarious child who loves to be the center of attention! He's always known I love him and when he's happy he's been the one child who'll always tell me how much he loves me and so forth. I'm sad and concerned as he's miserable and his behavior is such that I getting to the stage of feeling anxious when we are around other people incase he behaves in any one of these totally inappropriate ways mentioned above. Or sometimes, it will be overtly rude or foolish behavior like saying rude or inappropriate words or annoying, repetitive noises where I have to ask to be quiet or leave the room, which is always to no avail.

Any advice to help and understand my son is so welcomed and much appreciated! Thank you.

Jody

Answer:

Hi Jody, I can "hear" from you email what a good mom you are (and a busy one with five children) and how difficult and frustrating it is to deal with a challenging child. I can also tell that there is a lot going on that will be too difficult to explain in an email--it would take a book, but I will try a few concepts and suggestions.

As a mother of 5 children, you know (as do all mothers) that every child is born with different "temperaments" and little personalities. In the book, Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, we discuss temperament. Following is a brief summary:

Temperament and Development1[1]

Why Do They DO That?

Compiled from Positive Discipline the First Three Years and Positive Discipline for Preschoolers by Jane Nelsen, Cheryl Erwin, and Roslyn Duffy

A child’s behavior is the result of

individual temperament
emotional, physical, and cognitive development
what he or she has decided about how to find belonging and worth
Temperament is inborn and appears to remain constant throughout our lifespan. (See Chess and Thomas’s “Know Your Child”)

3. Behavior is a dance between temperament, development, and what your child believes about himself, you, and the world around you.
Temperament:

1. Activity Level
High activity -----------------------------------------------------Low activity

2. Rhythmicity (predictability of physical functions)
Predictable---------------------------------------------------------Unpredictable

3. Initial Response (reaction to something new)
Approach--------------------------------------------------------------Withdrawal

4. Adaptability (ability to adjust to change over time)
Adapts quickly------------------------------------------------------Adapts slowly

5. Sensory Threshold (sensitivity to sensory stimulation)
Very sensitive-------------------------------------------------------Less sensitive

6. Quality of Mood
Optimistic--------------------------------------------------------------Pessimistic

7. Intensity of Reactions (response to events)
Intense reactions--------------------------------------------------Mild reactions

8. Distractibility (willingness of a child to be distracted)
Highly focused--------------------------------------------------Easily distracted

9. Persistence and Attention Span (ability to stay focused on an activity for a length of time)
Persistent/long attention span------------------------------Gives up/short span
Parents have temperaments, too; “goodness of fit” refers to how well a parent’s temperament matches his or her child’s.

Effective parenting means planning for the child you actually have!
In the early years, a child’s behavior has more to do with development than with “misbehavior”; children are young and unskilled, and need discipline that teaches, rather than punishment.

No matter how old your child is, it is important to know your child!!

I'm sure you will find your little 4-year-old on the scale. My guess is that he also feeling "dethroned" by the new baby. He got to be the "youngest" for quite awhile. To watch a candle demonstration you might want to try to deal with "dethronement," go to http://janenelsen.com/video.html

Once you understand all this it is important to understand that you can't change him any more than you can change a petunia into a rose (he may alwyas be an "intense reactor") but you can do things to help him be the best he can be. The worst thing you can do is to give in to him. That teaches him that his methods work so you are engaging in tyrant training.

Some suggestions:

1. Keep doing many of the positive things you are doing--more consistently.

2. Don't worry about what other people think. I know this is difficult, but someone once asked me, "Do you want to be a good mother for the neighbors, or for your children?" That was a huge reminder to me to think more about what my children needed than what others thought.

3. Set up a special time with your son for 15 minutes a day. (It is a good idea to do this with all your chldren.) Then when he is demanding your time when you don't have it, you can say, "I'm busy now, but I sure am looking forward to our special time at 4:15." Then ignore his demands.

4. Ignore his demands a lot. Do the above or simply validate his feelings. "I know you really want that and you are so angry and upset that you can't have it now." Then ignore.

5. Let him have his feelings. Allow him to be upset and angry without thinking you have to rescue him or fix it for him. Children need to learn to develop their disappointment muscles so they learn confidence and resiliency--that they can handle the ups and downs of life.

6. Try hugs. For a great example of this, go to http://www.positivedisicpline.com/ and scroll down to the free podcasts and listen to # 39.

7. Start regular family meetings on a weekly basis so all of your children can learn so many valuable and social lifeskills such as looking for the positive by giving and receiving compliments and by focusing on solutions. All the Positive Dsicipline books have chapters on family meetings. You can also go to http://www.focusingonsolutions.com/ and order the ebook on the Family Meeting Album.

I wish you the best,

Morning Hassles and Power Struggles

Question:

Hi Jane,

My 4-year old recently started kindergarten and has to wear a school uniform. I tried to prepare her as much as I could over the summer about having to wear it for school. Thankfully we haven’t encountered any major issues in the morning when she has to put it on.

A couple of weeks ago however, we found out that the kids are going to be doing Judo once a week, and last week they were given their Judo uniforms, and the parents were asked to send the kids to school every Wed in the Judo uniform and pack their school uniform in the backpacks. Again, we talked about it, tried it on, and she seemed to be fine with the idea.

Well, this week when she had to put on her Judo uniform in the morning, the drama began. She REFUSED to wear it, so trying to give her a choice, I said she could either put it on and participate with her classmates, or she could put her school uniform instead, but she wouldn’t be able to participate, but that it was her choice. Well needless to say she wanted the best of both worlds. She wanted to wear her school uniform, and still be able to do her Judo class. I always feel like I’m walking that fine line between giving her choices (within limits) and adhering to certain policies (such as school policies). Also, these struggles ALWAYS happen when I’m racing against the clock to get to work in the morning, so more times than not, my patience inevitable runs out. I need some advice.

How could I have handled this? Any suggestions on dealing with these power struggles would be GREATLY appreciated!

Thank you,
Angie

Answer:

Angie,

When you give a choice you need to be okay with either choice and follow-through. Allow her to experience the consequences of her choice at school. When she cries and complains, simply validate her feelings. "I can see how upsetting that was." Then allow her to learn from the experience and decide what she will do next time without any lectures (especially in the “I told you so,” form from you.

You do offer another clue when you say these things happen when you are racing. One possible way to prevent the problem in the first place is to have her create a bedtime routine chart that includes laying out her clothes for the next morning. Is is fun for the kids to have pictures of themselves doing each task. Pictures for the "Laying out clothes for morning" could include one in her regular uniform and one in her Judo uniform. All you would need to ask is, "Since tomorrow is Wed, which uniform do you need to lay out tonight.

I'm sure you can see that helping her create her own bedtime routine with pictures helps her feel capable and allows her to use her power in useful ways so she doesn't feel the need to use it in "power struggles."

Best wishes,

Jane Nelsen

www.positivediscipline.com

Is Positive Discipline Permissive?

Question:

I love your books! They have taught me so much about parenting in a non putative way, very different from the way I was raised. I have two daughters 12 and 14, and my husband has two sons 11 and 15. He has an authoritarian mindset when it comes to discipline, and I am using the Positive Discipline techniques I learned from you. My daughters are used to the positive approaches I use, and when we blended they were shocked and resentful of their stepfather's approach. I have shown him your book and he agrees with some things, but other things he thinks are ridiculous, that they are too permissive and lets children do what they want. I have expressed my concerns with his approach with my daughters but he feels he should not have to change. I then resorted to asking him to just back off from disciplining my daughters because I am uncomfortable with his methods, and that I would handle the disciplining of the girls, and he refused. I am getting no where. Any thoughts?

I tried to find your book, Positive Discipline for Blended Families, but couldn't find it anywhere. Where can I get a copy?

Thanks!!!!!

Julie

Answer:

It is a common mistake for some to believe that Positive Discipline is permissive. In fact, many parents who are so against punishment may become permissive. However, I believe that permissiveness could be even more harmful to kids than punishment. Permissiveness creates weakness in children. They don't develop beliefs in their own capability and resiliency. They develop attitudes of entitlement and are very unpleasant to be around. They seem to think the world "owes them." They don't learn important social and life skills for self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation, respect for others, and problem-solving skills. So, I can certainly understand your husbands reluctance to go the permissive route. I'm not sure how to convince him that Positive Discipline is not permissive.

It might help if he read the article titled, "I was punished, and I turned out fine" that can be found at www.positivediscipline.com

Julie it might help if he understood that kindness and firmness are equally important in Positive Discipline. It might help if he understood that punishment is designed to make kids "pay" for what they have done, while Positive Discipline is designed to help children "learn" from what they have done by focusing on solutions. Positive Discipline helps children learn to use their power in "useful" ways through family meetings, choices, and focusing on solutions, so they don't use their power to rebel.

Most parents don't realize that even though punishment works short term to stop misbehavior, it has damaging long-term results in that children are left with a sense of doubt and shame or resentment and revenge. Parents don't understand that brain and how much more effective it is to wait until everyone has had time to calm down before discussing a problem. They don't understand how important it is to create a "connection before correction." Many research studies have shown that a sense of connection is the number one predictor of "good" behavior.

One other thing we point out in Positive Discipline for Step Families, is that both parents can feel comfortable engaging in discipline (not just the birth parent), when the discipline they use is kind and firm at the same time with a focus on teaching valuable social and life skills while helping children feel capable with the sense of self work in tact.

Three-year-old Love/Hate Relationship with Baby Brother

Question:

I have a 3-year-old daughter and 7-month-old son. Until now my daughter has been really gentle with the baby but in the last couple of weeks she has been "testing" out being a bit rougher with him (pinching his cheeks, hugging him a bit too tight, giving him a kiss but holding on until he cries.) I usually try to quietly remind her that if the baby is crying it means that he is feeling hurt and that she needs to loosen up her grip. I've asked her how she thinks it makes him feel and what else we could do to show him love. She kind of half listens with a grin and stays away for a little bit...until about 10 minutes later. I believe she is doing it to get my reaction, but I feel like I can't ignore it or say that they need to sort it out themselves. (Obviously the baby has no way to defend himself.)
Also, because he is starting to become mobile and grabbing for toys she is in the habit of grabbing the toys he is playing with away. I know that sharing is still a difficult thing for her age, but I just want to try and handle it in a way that helps out both children.
Any suggestions that you can provide would be great. I just finished your Positive Discipline book and have ordered the Positive Discipline for Preschoolers edition and can't wait to read it. I have already found the suggestions so helpful and a good reminder of the way I want to parent....from the heart but firmly.

Thanks so much, Christine

Answer:

Hi Christine,
What you describe is so classic that I could have written this script for how a "dethroned" child might behave to display her love/hate relationship with the "usurper" in her world. You might want to re-read the chapter on Birth Order in Positive Discipline as a reminder of how children make decisions about themselves based on their decisions of how to find their place in the family when they compare themselves to their perceptions of their siblings.
The following candle demonstration may help you understand her thinking and a way to deal with the belief behind her behavior.

Using Candles to Deal with the Belief Behind the Behavior

There is a belief behind every behavior, but we usually only deal with the behavior. Dealing with the belief behind the behavior does not mean you don't deal with the behavior. You are most effective when you are aware of both the behavior and the belief behind it.
The following is a classic example of the belief behind a behavior. Suppose you have a four-year-old boy whose mother goes off to the hospital and brings home a brand-new baby. What does the four-year-old see going on between Mom and the baby? -- Time and attention. What does your son interpret that to mean? -- Mom loves the baby more than me. What does the four-year-old do in an attempt to get the love back? -- He may act like a baby himself and cry a lot, ask for a bottle, and soil his pants.
Wayne Freiden's and Marie Hartwell Walker have created songs (Family Songs, (Available at www.focusingonsolutions.com) that help adults get into the world of children and understand the beliefs they could be dealing with based on their birth order. Their songs include seven different birth order positions. Following is one verse from the song, Number One:

Oh it's hard to be number one.
And lately it's just no fun at all.
Life was so nice, when there were three,
Mommy and Daddy and Me.
And now there's another.
And I don't like it one bit.
Send it back to the hospital
And let's just forget about it.

Four-year-old Becky, who could identify with this song. Becky was feeling dethroned by the birth of a baby brother, and was experiencing confusion about her feelings for the baby. Sometimes she loved him, and other times she wished he had never been born because Mom and Dad spend so much time with him. She didn't know how to get attention for herself, except to act like the baby.
One evening, when the baby was asleep, Becky's mom sat down at the kitchen table with her daughter and said, "Honey, I would like to tell you a story about our family." She had found four candles of varying lengths. "These candles represent our family." She picked up one long candle and said, "This is the mommy candle. This one is for me." She lit the candle as she said, "This flame represents my love." She picked up another long candle and said, "This candle is the daddy candle." She used the flame from the mommy candle to light the daddy candle and said, "When I married your daddy, I gave him all my love -- and I still have all my love left." Mom placed the daddy candle in a candle holder. She then picked up a smaller candle and said, "This candle is for you." She lit the smaller candle with the flame from her candle and said, "When you were born, I gave you all my love. And look. Daddy still has all my love, and I still have all my love left." Mom put that candle in a candle holder next to the daddy candle. Then she picked up the smallest candle and, while lighting it from the mommy candle, said, "This is a candle for your baby brother. When he was born I gave him all my love. And look -- you still have all my love. Daddy has all my love. And I still have all my love left because that is the way love Is. You can give it to everyone you love and still have all your love. Now look at all the light we have in our family with all this love." (To see a video of this demonstration, go to http://janenelsen.com/video.html
Mom then asked Becky if she would like to use her candle to light the other candles, so she could see how she could give all her love away and still have all her love. Becky was excited to try this. Mom snuffed the flame on all the candles except Becky's, and then helped her pick up each candle and hold it over the flame of her candle until it was lit. Becky's eyes were shining almost as brightly as the flame of the candles.
Mom gave Becky a hug and said, "Does this help you understand that I love you just as much as I love your baby brother?"
Becky said, Yes, and I can love lots of people just the same.
What happens to us is never as important as the beliefs we create about what happens to us. Our behavior is based on those beliefs, and the behavior and beliefs are directly related to the primary goal of all people -- to feel that we belong and are important.
Mom had learned to deal with the belief behind Becky's misbehavior.
Once you understand the belief, you still need to know what to do. But first I want to tell you what not to do. Don't expect her to understand her feelings and her beliefs and her actions. Also, don't expect her to understand your explanations. When she is being too harsh with baby brother, try any of the following:

1) Use action, not words. Kindly and firmly distract her.
2) Give them both a hug at the same time. (Again, avoiding words and/or lectures.)
3) Try hugging just her when she "misbehaves." I know this sounds like rewarding the misbehavior. It is not. It is dealing with her faulty belief that she is not loved as much as her behavior. When her belief changes her behavior will change.
4) Show her how to "touch nicely," over and over.
5) Ask your daughter for her help with such things as finding another toy for her brother or for herself.
6) Supervise, supervise, supervise--so you can quickly intervene with any of the above.

Remember that there are millions of dethroned children in the world and children who did the dethroning. Most of us survive and grow up just fine.

When are Children Old Enough to Participate in Family Meetings?

Question:

Jane - How old do you suggest children be to start family meetings? My boys are 3 1/2 and 5 years old. I'd like to start family meetings to discuss issues that need to be addressed and get the boys involved, but I'm thinking they may be too young. Thanks.

Julie

Answer:

Hi Julie, Your 5 year old is definitely old enough. Only you will be able to tell if the 3 1/2 year old is old enough--can he participate? The magic age seems to be 4. It is very important to start family meetings as soon after 4 as possible so children start learning to use their power in useful ways and to develop the belief, "I am capable." This will eliminate many power struggles--and 4-year-olds are so good at problem-solving when given the opportunity.
You might find the following excerpt handy for getting started:

Why have Family Meetings?

An excerpt from Positive Discipline and from Our Family Meeting Album, an e-book By Jane Nelsen available at www.focusingonsolutions.com

Holding regular Family Meetings is one of the most valuable things you can do as a family. Why?
Family Meetings provide an opportunity to teach children valuable social and life skills for good character. They will learn:

• Listening skills
• Brainstorming skills
• Problem-solving skills
• Mutual respect
• The value of cooling off before solving a problem. (Problems are put on the weekly challenges pages so a cooling off period takes place before focusing on solutions to the challenge.)
• Concern for others
• Cooperation
• Accountability in a safe environment. (People don’t worry about admitting mistakes when they know they will be supported to find solutions instead of experiencing blame, shame, or pain.)
• How to choose solutions that are respectful to everyone concerned
• A sense of belonging and significance
• Social interest
• That mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn
  

Family Meetings provide an opportunity for parents to:

• Avoid power struggles by respectfully sharing control
• Avoid micromanaging children, so children learn self-discipline
• Listen in ways that invite children to listen
• Respectfully share responsibility
• Create good memories through a family tradition
• Model all of the skills they want their children to learn
  

If parents really understood the value of family meetings, it would be their most valuable parenting tool–and they would make every effort to schedule 15 to 30 minutes a week for family meetings.

Family Meeting Agenda

Compliments

Challenges
Evaluate last week’s solutions
Focus on solutions for this week’s challenges

Special Event

Meal Planning

Calendar
Weekly essentials such as events, who needs rides, etc.
Family togetherness event planning

Family Fun

Compliments

Each component of the agenda is important. Start with compliments for several reasons:

• Compliments create a positive atmosphere
• Children learn to be “good finders” when they look for and verbalize the things they appreciate about family members.
• Children usually fight less when they participate in regular family meetings beginning with compliments.
• It is important to have each member of the family give a compliment to every other member of the family so everyone feels a sense of belonging and significance.
• Remember that compliments may sound awkward in the beginning. They get better with practice.
  

You will create a positive atmosphere in your family when everyone learns to look for the good in each other and to verbalize positive comments. Please don’t expect perfection. Some sibling squabbling is normal. However, when children (and parents) learn to give and receive compliments, negative tension is reduced considerably. Of course, a positive atmosphere is increased even more when families have regular family meetings to find solutions to problems.

Family Meeting Jobs

Recorder: Be sure to have someone write down all the ideas that are brainstormed. It is so much fun to look at these ideas later – as much fun as looking at old family picture albums.
Circle the solution that works for everyone. Consensus is important in family meetings. If you can reach consensus, table this item and try again next week.

Chairperson: Rotate this job so everyone has a chance to be the “person in charge”. The Chairperson calls the meeting to order, asks for compliments to begin, and handles the Weekly Challenges page by announcing the next challenge to be solved and following the rest of the agenda.

Timekeeper: A timekeeper can keep everyone on track so the meeting doesn’t go on and on and get boring.


Do's and Don'ts for Successful Family Meetings
by Jane Nelsen

DO:
1. Remember the long-range purpose: To teach valuable life skills.
2. Post an agenda where family members can write their concerns or problems.
3. Start with compliments to set the tone by verbalizing positive things about each other.
4. Brainstorm for solutions to problems. Choose one suggestion (by consensus) that is practical and respectful and try it for a week.
5. Focus on solutions, not blame
6. Calendar a family fun activity for later in the week – and all sports and other activities (including a chauffeur schedule).
7. Keep family meetings short 10 to 30 minutes, depending on the ages of your children. End with a family fun activity, game, or dessert.

DON'T
1. Use family meetings as a platform for lectures and parental control.
2. Allow children to dominate and control. (Mutual respect is the key.)
3. Skip weekly family meetings. (They should be the most important date on your calendar.)
4. Forget that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn.
5. Forget that learning skills takes time. Even solutions that don't work provide an opportunity to learn and try again—always focusing on respect and solutions.
6. Expect children under the age of four to participate in the process. (If younger children are too distracting, wait until they are in bed.)