Positive Discipline Conference and Think Tank

I never cease to be amazed at the wonderful people who are attracted to do the PD work. They are such creative, fun, dedicated, and passionate people who really believe it is possible to create peace in the world through peace in homes and schools. Last week 52 people who are either Certified Positive Discipline Trainers, Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educators, or Certified Positive Discipline Trainer Candidates came to San Diego from all over the country--and the world. See if you can find the people who came from Mexico, Colombia, France, and Canada.

If any of you feel drawn to join this work, go to The Positive Discipline Association Website and click on Certification Program. While there, browse the website for lots of good information.  For people who can't travel to one of the LIVE two-day workshops (dates and locations on the above website0, we have a DVD Training in Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way to become a Certified Positive Discipline Educator--the first step to becoming a CPDT. Some people take the two-day training (live or via DVD) and start teaching parenting classes without joining the advanced training program. Others join the advance training program for the many benefits--plus the choice to come to our annual Think Tank.










PS, If anyone knows how I can delete the following ad, please let me know. ;-0

Spanking: Will the Debate Ever End?

Why do parents spank? In most cases it is because they love their children and really believe spanking is the best way to teach them to improve their behavior. In other words, they believe spanking = good behavior.

The sad part of this equation is that it is not true; and parents who believe in spanking don’t do the necessary research to prove or disprove their hypothesis. Actually, short-term results fool them. Spanking usually does stop the behavior for the moment. However, short-term research never tells the whole story. What about the long-term results?

There is so much research conducted in University settings by trained researchers (buried in academic journals) that has been proving for years that spanking is not effective long-term. In fact, the research proves the opposite—that the long-term results of spanking are increased violence and aggressiveness. So why do parents keep insisting that spanking = improved behavior? It is a mystery to me.

Parents would learn a lot if they would do some basic research just five minutes after they spank their children by asking, “What were you thinking? What were you feeling? What were you deciding?”  Most parents don’t even consider that their children have thoughts and feelings; and that they are constantly making decisions about themselves, about others, and about what they are going to do in the future. These “decisions” are being made even before learning verbal language as “a sense of.”  For example, even a one-year-old has a “sense of” being safe or not safe, and makes “sense of decisions” such as, “All I need to do is cry and Mommy will rescue me.”

Make some guesses about what your children are thinking, feeling, and deciding while being punished. My guess is that their thoughts are somewhere on the continuum of, “I am bad,” or, “You are bad,”—and many thoughts in between. Their feelings may range from hurt to anger—and many feelings in between. Their decisions (even when they are not consciously aware of them) usually fall into one of three categories, “I just won’t get caught next time,” “I will get even,” or, “I must be a bad person.” I doubt that these thoughts, feelings, and decisions convey the results parents hope to gain by spanking.

One reason parents are reluctant to give up spanking is their fear that the only alternative is permissiveness—leading to spoiled brats. They have reason to be concerned. The thoughts, feelings, and decisions pampered children make are not any healthier than those made by punished children.

The question that would be more helpful to parents and healthy for children is, “What else can I do, instead of spanking or permissiveness, that will encourage my children to make healthy decisions leading to valuable social and life skills for good character?” If parents were willing to research this question they would find many alternatives. My favorite is engaging children in focusing on solutions. Punishment focuses on making kids pay for what they have done. Focusing on solutions focuses on changing behavior for the future. This is just one of my 52 favorites in a deck of Positive Discipline Tool Cards.

All of these tools are designed to meet the 5 Criteria of Positive Discipline:

1.     Helps children feel a sense of connection? (Belonging and Significance)

2.     Is kind and firm at the same time (Respectful and Encouraging)

3.     Is effective long-term, (See the following two criteria)

4.     Teaches valuable social and life skills for good character? (Respect, concern for others, problem-solving, cooperation)

5.     Invites children to discover how capable they are?  (Encourages the constructive use of personal power and autonomy)

Isn’t this what you really want for your children?

Positive Discipline Conference and Letter of Intent from Paul Bradshaw

Positive Discipline Conference
If you live anywhere near San Diego (or if you want to drive, fly, or waddle to get there) I hope to see you at the first annual Positive Discipline Conference on July 15. And tell a friend--everyone must have at least one friend in the San Diego area. You can choose three of 12 topics presented by Certified Positive Discipline Trainers. For details, go to www.positivediscipline.org

Letter of Intent from Paul Bradshaw


We are blessed have many people who want to help others the way they have been helped by Positive Discipline. So, they join our training program to become Certified Positive Discipline Trainers. Their Letters of Intent are so inspiring that I will start sharing some of them with you--starting with the latest from Paul Bradshaw.

I would like to let the Positive Discipline Association know of my request to become a Positive Discipline Trainer Candidate (PDTC). Let me begin with a little background of my interest. I am the father of four grown children ranging in age from 23 – 29 years of age. Yes, we once had 4 teenagers at the same time and survived.  When my wife, Terese Bradshaw, CPDT, and I married 16 years ago, we each had two school-aged daughters. Terese was a Montessori Teacher and also taught parenting classes.  She would share with me her beliefs about parenting and the PD philosophy.  She would read to me from various PD books and relationship books on the long car rides we would take to the mountains or lakes on the weekends.  Our goal was to be consistent in our parenting with our children.  Having both been divorced, we vowed we would do whatever it took to make this second marriage work, both for us as a couple, and for our children.

This method of parenting was very different from the punitive model I had been raised with and had been raising my 5 and 7 year old.  But I agreed to give it a try.  Terese’s daughters seemed to be well-behaved, capable and responsible pre-teens (8 and 11 years old) and the philosophy made sense to me.   

Over the years I had recorded some of Terese’s parenting classes, but had not actually done the experiential activities myself.  Back in March and April of this year I decided to take Terese’s 7-week parenting class and helped her prepare for each class. 

Terese and I attribute our successful marriage of 16 years, while raising four fantastic daughters, to the principles of Positive Discipline.  Terese would model this philosophy in her communication.  We had regular family meetings and worked together as a family to find solutions to problems. We would regularly see a family therapist who also believed in Adlerian theory and helped us improve our communication with each other.  Not always easy in a busy household.

Terese and I thought it would be wonderful to share our experiences with the Positive Discipline philosophy and our marriage with other couples.  We also wanted to have a manual or book available for our own daughters when they went into their adult relationships.  After talking with Jane Nelsen, we agreed to start by re-writing the tool cards so they could be used by couples who are working on their relationship.  We have really enjoyed the process of choosing a tool card and applying it to our marriage.  These cards have been so helpful in resolving conflicts and working on solutions in our marriage.

Terese and I would like to write a work book for couples that could be used to lead 7 or 8 week workshops on relationships.  We will call these cards, book and classes Positive Discipline for Empowering Your Relationship. Our goal would be to develop two-day workshops for Empowering Your Relationship for others who would like to lead these classes.  This project is a great opportunity for Terese and I, not only spend quality time together, but to empower our own relationship at the same time.  It’s a positive way to continue to practice good communication skills and focus on our relationship. We are sure we will learn so much from the participants in our classes.

I just completed a fabulous two-day Teaching Parenting Workshop with Jane Weed-Pomerantz in Watsonville.  Although, I was fairly familiar with most of the philosophy and activities, I enjoyed looking at them from the perspective of how they could apply to couples.  I even came up with a new version of Follow-Through  (kids fighting in the car) that would include all participants.  We rode on a bus, where everyone got to join in on the fight.

On another note, but somewhat related, I have worked as a part-time ski instructor and have found the Positive Discipline principles very helpful in my ski teaching. I am also a Certified Public Accountant, and have found these principles very helpful in my work where I frequently deal with challenging adults.

I love finding these blogs

An Episode in Positive Discipline

by Kelly on June 11, 2010

The other night, my husband and I were talking in the kitchen, and Elia (5) & JJ (3) were in the living room when we heard Elia shriek, scream & start crying.  It is instantly followed by “SOR-RY!” from JJ.  We look over and Elia is getting up from the floor, holding her neck & crying and JJ has hidden himself between the ottoman and the couch, with his face buried on the floor. Elia said that JJ kicked her.

To read the rest of the article go to:

http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/2010/06/11/an-episode-in-positive-discipline/

Modeling Control for your Children

Control Your Own Behavior

It would be nice if parents would keep in mind that you can't expect your children to control their behavior when you don't control your own. Try teaching yourself some self-control tools just as you would your kids.

1) Watch the video on "Flip your lid," to understand the brain. Then catch yourself when you are about to flip your lid and do something else.

2) Create your own positive time out--and use it.

3) Share your feelings and take full responsibility for them, "I'm upset right now and need to wait until I can calm down to talk about this." Do not say, "You are making me so upset."

4) Keep a deck of Positive Discipline Tool cards handy. When you get upset, choose one at random to get you out of your mid-brain and into your rational brain. You'll probably pick the perfect one. Make it even more fun, by asking your child to choose a card and random, and decide together which works best to solve the challenge.

5) Don't forget some of the wisdom from the ages: Breathe, count to ten, think happy thoughts, and count your blessings.

Remember that mistakes are opportunities to learn. When you make a mistake, learn from it and start again. And most of all, remember to enjoy your children.

The Power of a Hug: Some Success Stories

  It is such fun when "real parents" share their success stories with Positive Discipline Tools. One of my favorites is 

Just last night in another parenting class the Parents Helping Parents Problem-Solving Steps, the role-play was about a three and a half year old having a tantrum.  The second role-play demonstrated the power of the hug without words.  The child was unable to continue the tantrum.  When processing with the person who role-played the child, she said she believed her mom cared about her and she felt safe.  The tantrum was diffused.

—                        Jan Morris, CPDA

Just yesterday I had an almost 3-year-old having a tantrum in the school parking lot because I had cleaned his face. I was fending off his blows when I thought to pick him up and I held him close. He snuggled into my shoulder and melted in my arms.....isn't Positive Discipline wonderful???

—                      Susan Lehman, CPDA

Holy Cow: It Worked. This morning, the scene in my house was practically identical to the scenario we role-played last night [during parenting class].  My daughter (4.5) woke up early and we had a very nice time together, getting dressed together. Then I woke up little brother (2) and the whole scene changed: They both wanted their breakfast in the "green bowl".  We drew straws for it, and John ended up with it and Sara burst into tears.  I gave Sara extra brown sugar to soften the blow (perhaps not positive discipline ;-)) that stopped the crying, but she proceeded to yell, "You are an idiot, John, I hate you John, John is a buttass."  John is then crying, "Mama, Sara call me Buddyass." I decided to try the option that we tried last night of "speaking less and using body language" (which I was frankly skeptical of, but having acted last night, it came to mind).  I removed Sara's dish from the table.  She immediately began to scream, "Give it back, I want my food," and, "I am going to spill your coffee."  I honestly can't remember if I said anything, but I went and hugged her— a nice long hug and a kiss. She said, "I want my food," but with a smile this time. I gave her back her breakfast, and we all had a peaceful and pleasant breakfast together. Wow!

      Christine, Positive Discipline Class Participant

Spend Special Time

Spend Special Time is the Positive Discipline Tool Card Brad discusses in his blog this week. He pointed out that he didn't agree that once a month is enough special time for kids over 13. He is absolutely right. It isn't easy to explain all the concepts on a small card. Brad did guess that the point is that teens often don't want to spend time with their parents--so make a special effort at least once a month. Of course at least once a week would be ideal--keeping in mind that special time is something special scheduled on the calendar--in addition to the daily time..
       I have inserted an excerpt from Chapter 9 on spending special time in the book Positive Discipline for Teenagers, by Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott.

How Do You Spend Time That Counts?  

DURING THE TEEN years, when your children spend less and less time with you, it's more important than ever to connect in ways that really count. Unfortunately, there are several conditions that make quality time espe­cially difficult to achieve: busy schedules, teenagers' preference to be with their friends, and time spent lecturing, judging, and punishing.

Brian decided to try spending quality time with his son, Ted. Brian's at­tempts to control Ted's use of drug and alcohol had damaged their relation­ships. He had grounded Ted, taken his car away, and lectured ad infinitum ("How could you do such a thing? You'll ruin your life forever. What have we done wrong?"), but all to no avail. Ted got more defiant and more rebellious, and the father-son relationship deteriorated badly. Brian was thoroughly dis­couraged, but decided to take a class called "Empowering Teens and Yourself in the Process" before giving up completely. The very first night of the class he heard something that would later change his life, as well as his son's. The facil­itator said, "Sometimes you get the best results by forgetting about behavior and focusing on the relationship." Brian thought that sounded pretty simplis­tic, but he also realized that trying to improve his relationship with his son cer­tainly couldn't do any harm—even if it didn't do any good.

The next day, Brian showed up at Ted's school during his lunch period and got permission to take his son to lunch. Brian had decided that his whole pur­pose would be to enjoy Ted's company—no matter what. When Ted saw his dad, he asked belligerently, "What are you doing here?" Brian replied, "I just wanted to have lunch with you." During lunch, Brian focused on his purpose, avoiding third-degree questions. He didn't even ask Ted how his day was. Ted was completely surprised and very suspicious all during lunch, waiting to be criticized or lectured. The entire lunch was spent in silence. Afterward, Brian took Ted back to school and said, "Thanks for having lunch with me. I really enjoyed being with you."

Brian continued showing up at Ted's school for lunch every Wednesday. It took three weeks for Ted's suspicions to disappear. He then started telling his father small things about his day, and his father did the same. Ted even began asking questions about work and college. Brian was careful to answer Ted's questions without lecturing.

Meanwhile, Brian had stopped trying to control Ted through punishment and withdrawal of privileges. Instead, he focused on Ted's assets, even though he had to dig to get past his fears about Ted's rebellion. He told Ted how glad he was to have him as his son and described to Ted how thrilled he had been the day he was born. Brian found it easy to tell stories about the cute things Ted had done as a child. Ted would shrug and give the impression that he thought these stories were "stupid." However, during this time, Brian noticed that Ted showed up for dinner more often and sometimes brought his friends over to watch television.

One day, three months into the lunch routine, Brian got stuck in a meet­ing that lasted through the lunch period. That night, Ted said, "What hap­pened to you today, Dad?"

Brian apologized, "I'm sorry. I didn't know you were expecting me. We never said it would be a regular thing. But I'd love to make it a regular routine; how about you?"

Nonchalantly, Ted said, "Sure."

Brian said, "I'll be sure to leave a message if I ever get tied up again."

Brian felt pleased and gratified about the effectiveness of spending quality time with his son. He didn't know if Ted stopped experimenting with drugs and alcohol, but he knew his control efforts hadn't had a positive effect. Now, at least, the damaged relationship was being repaired, and Brian was grateful that the importance of this had gotten through his own thick skull. He felt sat­isfied that he was providing good memories for his son and letting him know from experience that his father loved him unconditionally. Ted's behavior im­proved considerably. He stopped being disrespectful. In fact, he started being considerate about letting his parents know when he would be home. Brian felt he was creating an atmosphere in which his son could think more about how his behavior affected his life rather than spending so much energy on "getting even" with his dad for the lectures and criticism.