POLITICS AND POSITIVE DISCIPLINE

If you have listened to the news lately, you have heard some of the debates over healthcare reform. The fighting, shouting, name-calling and taking things out of context, could be humorous if we were watching three-year-olds.

What could the politicians and “talking heads” learn by observing a Positive Discipline Class Meeting or a Positive Discipline Family Meeting?

1. To be respectful?
2. To take turns talking instead of interrupting each other. (Maybe they could even start using a talking stick to know whose turn it is.)
3. To stop the name-calling, taking things out of context, slanting comments to fit their point of view.
4. To listen and validate another point of view. (Validating does not mean agreeing.)
5. To stop focusing on being right and making each other wrong.
6. To brainstorm for solutions and choose those that are respectful to everyone.
7. To develop social interest (concern for the needs of everyone) instead of power to push personal agendas.

What would happen if everyone refused to listen to all 24-hour news stations for a week? A month would be even better. We wouldn’t miss anything. They would still be talking about the same things, 24-7. And, they might get the message that we are not entertained by so much negativity. Anyone want to join me in a book titled Positive Discipline for Politicians and Talking Heads?

Just kidding.

Class Meetings for Preschoolers

Question:   

At what age can children participate in class meetings? 

Answer: 

I do class meetings every morning with my little preschool group (made up entirely of 3.5 yr olds), and it's really a class meeting/circle time hybrid.  Every morning one of the children is the "meeting leader" and starts off our good morning song (in the two languages of their choice).  Then they check the weather and give a report.  Next we give compliments and appreciations (they are so fabulous at this, gives me goose bumps... we learned this by sharing something we had done ourselves that we felt good about, then noticing things that our friends had done that we 

felt good about and appreciating it).  Then we either play a game based on one of the PD student activities, simplified and made developmentally appropriate (ie., cooperative ball rolling, bugs & wishes, feeling faces, etc.) or we do "doggy problem solving", where our stuffed dogs have a problem that I act out (one that either I have observed or the children bring up to me) and the children help them.  I used to do this with puppets, but this group has such an attachment to these toy dogs, so that's what we use now.  We end with a book, chosen by the meeting leader.  It typically takes about 25 minutes, which can be a long time for some groups in my experience, but this little group has been

 known to draw it out even longer with extra songs and stories and games.  It's fun and exciting, and yes, they do get it!  I love hearing them later make connection after connection, and hearing that they bring these things home to their families, and the practice is adopted at home, too.  Very cool indeed.  I'm currently phasing out my family home daycare and moving in a new professional direction, and I have to say that our cl

ass meetings are one of the things I will miss the most.   

Eryn Rodger, Certified Positive Discipline Associate, Santa Cruz, CA 

Another Answer: 

    I directed an Adlerian private school in Bloomington, IL where we enrolled children from 3 years old-8th grade. Our ‘early learners’ all did regular class meetings. Most did then once weekly, and in the early program they mostly focused on compliments. When there was a problem they needed to discuss, the teachers 

of 3’s and 4’s led the conversation, but as the children grew in their maturity and ability to articulate, they took more leadership around the topics and the solutions.  We typically didn’t begin using an agenda until children were in kindergarten, which for us, was late 4’s through early 6’s depending on the child.

    I began at that school as a kindergarten teacher, and I started in January so the children were already well practiced in class meetings and they trained me. I’ll never forget the feeling of utter equality as I sat on my 5-year-old sized ch

air and participated in the meetings without a real clue how it would work. A student was the leader and just handled the whole thing! I remember looking at the agenda in kindergarten and often the only thing I could read were the names. They would draw pictures of their problem or best guess spell it. Often we would pass the agenda to the person with the problem so they could read what they had written.  It didn’t faze them a bit that they couldn’t spell yet, or barely write for that matter. It was pretty cool.

    I strongly believe that this is the time to start with kids.  When they begin to practice this kind of community at such a young age, problem solving is not a big deal. It’s just part of being in community in a classroom, or family, or life. They get it.  

    Dina Emser, Life Coach and Certified Positive Discipline Associate, Eureka, IL 

Following is an excerpt from Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, Chapter 16 on Class Meetings for Preschoolers, by Jane Nelsen, Cheryl Erwin, and Roslyn Duffy 

      It is class meeting time at the ABC Preschool. As the youngsters settle into a circle, Mr. Scott, the teacher, consults the agenda. “It sounds like we’ve had a problem on the playground with people throwing wood chips at one another. Does anyone have something to say about this problem, or can someone offer a suggestion of how we might solve it?”

      Five-year-old Girard raises his hand. “Whoever throws wood chips could take a cool-off!” Four-year-old Natalie waves her hand, and when called upon, offers, “We could not have wood chips anymore and have grass instead.”

      The teacher looks toward three-year-old Cristina, whose little hand has been patiently held aloft, and calls on her. “Guess what?” Cristina says with a bright smile.

      “What, Cristina?” Mr. Scott asks.

      “I had bananas in my cereal today.”

      “Mmmm, that must have tasted good.” Mr. Scott smiles and thanks Cristina for her comment, then asks for more suggestions about the wood chip problem. Although Cristina clearly is not thinking about wood chips, she is still a valued member of the group.

      When children are old enough to participate actively in group or circle time activities (usually around the age of two and a half ), they are ready for class meetings. Class meetings are a wonderful way to help children learn cooperation, contribution, and problem-solving skills. This class agreed that they wouldn’t throw woodchips anymore—a suggestion that had never worked when teachers pleaded, but was very effective when suggested by a child and agreed upon by the whole class. 

 

Different Parenting Styles

Question:

Do you have any information that addresses the issue of differing parent styles in the home. ie one parent wants to use the positive parent style but the other wants to use rewards and punishments to control? What can the positive discipline parent do to when dealing with the issues that result from an "anti positive discipline" parenting style?

Thank you

Answer:

Since so many people ask this question, I wrote the following:

OPPOSITES ATTRACT: WHEN ONE PARENT IS KIND AND THE OTHER IS FIRM.

It is interesting to note that two people with these opposing philosophies often get married. One has a tendency to be just a little too lenient. The other has a tendency to be just a little too strict. Then the lenient parent thinks he or she needs to be just a little more lenient to make up for the mean old strict parent. The strict parent thinks he or she needs to be just a little more strict to make up for the wishy washy lenient parent—so they get further and further apart and fight about who is right and who is wrong. In truth they are both being ineffective.

One way to help children and parents learn effective communication is to have regular family meetings where they have an pportunity, on a weekly basis, to brainstorm for solutions to problems and to choose the solutions that are respectful to everyone. Focusing on solutions is one of the best ways for “opposites” to get closer together and be supportive of each other and their children, and is discussed in more detail in chapter six of Positive Discipline..

Class Meetings—So Many Benefits

I feel passionately about the value of class meetings in schools and family meetings in homes to teach children many valuable social and life skills for good character. They learn to listen to each other and to value differences. They learn to help each other by focusing on solutions to problems that are respectful to all concerned. They learn that they can be accountable for their mistakes because they won’t experience blame or shame. Instead they will get help from their fellow students during the brainstorming process for solutions. They can then choose the solutions they think will be most helpful.

However, class meetings aren’t about perfection. They don’t provide magic pills that solve all problems immediately. Learning the skills for effective class meetings takes time just as reading, writing, and arithmetic take time—and when practiced skills improve and deepen.

The following Q and A provides an example of the joys and frustrations that can be experienced when first implementing class meetings.

Class Meetings Working Except for One Child

Question:

We implemented the class meeting format in November and the kids love it. They are coming up with real strategies that are helping one another. I have a lot of confidence and am happy with the results with most of the children except for one. A young girl age 6, grade 2, youngest child. She has difficultly dealing with other children and often displays a goal of Misguided Power or Revenge. She is often violent with the other children. I have started sharing special time with her, and giving her purposeful jobs that allow her to play a positive helper role with the other kids.

I myself however am still confused. You talk about firmness. When she acts out violently I let her know that the behavior is unacceptable and ask if she needs some time to cool off. She is often able to apologize after and can see that her behavior was inappropriate. I feel that the violence is not getting better. The kids are all asking why she is not being held accountable for her actions. We discuss it at class meetings and the other kids identify her behavior as attention seeking and often offer to work with her or ask for her help but it doesn’t seem to be working. I am lost in my follow through here. Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you so much

Raegan

Answer:

Hi Reagan,

In my experience, there is always one child in every classroom who decides to be the challenging student. If that child should happen to move, it seems that another child is happy to take that role.

I remember sitting in one classroom where "Phillip" was discussed in 3 of the 4 items on the agenda. I asked Phillip if he felt the kids were helping him or ganging up on him. He grinned and said they were helping him. Later I asked the teacher if he saw any improvement in Phillip. He admitted, "Not much, but a huge improvement in the other children. They used to see Phillip ask the scapegoat and blame him for everything. Now they really try to help him. Phillip gives them lots of opportunities to practice their skills.

Keep doing the wonderful things you are doing and focus on improvement instead of expecting perfection.

I would love to hear some examples of other problems that children have solved.

Jane Nelsen

Disciplina Positiva

Disciplina Positiva, the Spanish translation of the 2006 edition of Positive Discipline is now available at http://www.empoweringpeople.com/ Stay tuned for an announcement of the audio book now being edited.

While visiting http://www.empoweringpeople.com/ take a few minutes to watch the video clip of H. Stephen Glenn. Steve is so funny and entertaining as he provides valuable parenting information for Developing Capable Young People.

I was very pleased to find such an excellent review of Positive Time Out and 50 Ways to Avoid Power Struggles in Homes and Classrooms at

http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/positive-time-out-and-over-50-ways-avoid-power-struggles-home-and-classroom

This is a favorite book of many who appreciate how short it is while providing so many Positive Discipline parenting and teaching tools.

Dawdler

Question

I have 5 children, 9, 7, 5, 2, and 6 months. My oldest son is 7. It seems that of all of my children, he is the one I have the most trouble with now. For example, I send him to get ready for bed and he just dawdles around in his room. And if I don't remind him over and over again what he is was sent to do, he just dawdles around for a never-ending amount of time it seems. This seems to be the case for most any task that I give him to do. If he is sent on an errand, he quickly forgets what it was he was supposed to be doing and never returns. Is this normal age appropriate behavior? Should I not let it bother me so much? Heidi

Answer:

Dear Heidi, This is normal behavior for many children (they are all different—as you know) AND there are parenting tools you could use that might help. 1) Try creating a routine chart with him? This means that you sit down with him and take dictation while he lists all the things he needs to do at bedtime. If he forgets something, you can chime in. Have him rank order his list. Then take digital pictures of him doing each task and paste them on his "routine chart" (or ask if he would rather draw pictures or symbols after each task). Then let him post his chart where he can see it. Do not add stickers or rewards which take away from the inner reward of feeling capable. 2) One other tool I'll mention is the use of family meetings where he can get help from everyone in the family who can brainstorm solutions--and then he can choose the solution he thinks would work best for him. Of course there are many, many more ideas in the Positive Discipline books. I think you will enjoy watching the video of H. Stephen Glenn on the home page of http://www.empoweringpeople.com/ and listening to some of the free podcasts at http://www.positivediscipline.com/ for more ideas. I wish you the best.

Jane Nelsen

2 ½ year-old Fears

Question:

I recently read your book, Positive Discipline: The First Three Years and I cannot tell you how much better I understand my 2 1/2 year old son! I was hoping you could direct me toward some reading material, or even offer a suggestion though. He is a very bright boy, happy at home. However, he is constantly telling us he is "scared" of other kids, and sometimes adults too. It seems to really hold him back socially. We had a psychologist meet with him, but she stated he is just high strung. I somehow think there is more to it... If you could point me in a new direction?

Thank you,

Erin

Answer:

Hi Erin, I can’t tell for sure since I don’t have more information, but I’m going to make some guesses. First let me tell you that this will pass. The less energy you give it, the quicker it will pass.

1. It could be that he really has “decided” to be scared for whatever reason he has made up. Still, to him, the fear is real. The best you can do is comfort him briefly; validate his feelings, “I can see that you are very scared of this;” and then have faith in him to deal with his fear. He will learn that his fear will pass. It is very empowering for children to learn that they can deal with the ups and downs of life. When parents rescue and pamper, children don’t have the opportunity to develop resilience and a sense of their own capability. If you pay too much attention to his fears (give them too much energy) that could lead to the next guess.

2. It could be that he has learned that being scared is a good way to get lots of “undue attention” from you. If this is the case, I would still give the same recommendations as above. You might add problem-solving by asking him for his ideas on how to deal with his fears.

For even more ideas I have included an excerpt from Positive Discipline A-Z by Jane Nelsen, Lynn Lott, and H. Stephen Glenn, which also provides an example of how this books provides many possible solutions for just about any behavior challenge you can think of.
Fears (Children)

“My child has nightmares and complains about monsters in his room. He seems so fragile compared to other children his age. He’s afraid to leave my side. This doesn’t seem normal to me.”

Understanding Your Child, Yourself, and the Situation

“A bruised knee can mend, but bruised courage lasts a lifetime.”1 Sometimes children have fears because we don’t help them deal with the unknown by showing them how to do things in small steps. Most children have some fears, but they become bigger when others make fun of them, call them babies, or tell them that it’s not okay to be scared or to cry, or label them as “overly-sensitive.” Fears also get bigger when parents feel sorry for children and try to over-protect them. Then children don’t develop the confidence that they can handle some discomfort.

Fear is usually about the unknown (which is why a fear of the dark is common and usually passes). However, at other times children have good reason (such as bullies or sexual abuse) to be afraid. It’s your job to know when to protect your children and when to help them without over- protecting them.

Suggestions

Don’t laugh at, minimize, judge, or discount your children’s fears. Contrarily, don’t over-indulge or over-protect or try to explain away your child’s fears.

Listen when your children tell you what they are afraid of. Verify their feelings, such as saying, “You’re afraid of dogs because they might bite you, and you wish the dog would go away and leave you alone.” Sometimes, just having their feelings validated is enough to lessen the fear.
Help your children find ways to handle situations when they are afraid. Help them explore several possibilities so they feel they have some choices. You might ask, “What would help you the most right now--a flashlight, a teddy bear, or a nightlight?” Telling them not to be afraid isn’t helpful; looking for solutions is.

Don’t be manipulated by your children’s fears. Offer comfort, but don’t give them special service or try to fix their feelings for them. It is important for children to learn that they can handle their fears, even though it is uncomfortable. Help them problem solve (as above) so they learn they can handle their fears themselves. Letting children sleep with you when they are afraid is a subtle way of saying, “You can’t handle this. Let me fix it for you.”

Encourage your children to deal with difficult situations in small steps. If they are afraid of the dark, put a night light in their room. If they don’t think they can sleep in their own rooms, fill their hands with your kisses and tell them every time they miss you to open their hands and take out a kiss. If they think there are monsters in the closet or under the bed, do a search with them before bedtime and let them sleep with a flashlight.

Listen carefully. Are your children trying to tell you that someone is hurting them or that you are doing something that is frightening them? Take what they say seriously.
Sometimes children’s fears are irrational and they can’t explain them. They may need your support and reassurance until the fear goes away.

Planning Ahead to Prevent Future Problems

There are many wonderful children’s books dealing with fears that you can read with your children so they can see they aren’t alone.

If there is a scary show on television or a scary movie, discuss ahead of time with your child whether it is a good idea for him to see it. If you both agree he is ready to watch, discuss how you can be supportive. (See Booster Thought 1.)

Don’t lay your fears on your children. If your children decide they are ready to try something, work with them in small steps to make it safe and then let go instead of stopping them from doing things you are afraid of yourself. If you’re too afraid, arrange for a friend or relative to do the activity with your child.

It’s okay to share your fears, but don’t expect your children to have the same ones you do. Telling your children about a fear that you conquered may be comforting to them. It will assure them that fears are normal.

Ask your children if they would be willing to try out scary things two to three times before deciding against them.

Don’t push your children into doing things they are afraid of such as swimming or riding a horse. Some parents insist that their children do these things in spite of their fears and create lifetime fears in their children, as well as a strong feeling of inadequacy.

Turn off the TV and stop immersing your kids in the news which is filled with violence and natural disasters. Too much TV has been the trigger for many children’s fears, and rightly so.

Life Skills Children Can Learn

Children can learn that it’s okay to feel fear, but they don’t have to be immobilized by it. There is someone who will take them seriously and help them deal with their fears so they aren’t so overwhelming. They learn they can trust their parents to protect them from dangers they can’t handle by themselves.

Parenting Pointers

If your children are afraid to leave your side, spend time with them, but also create situations where they can be away from you for short times. Many a preschool teacher has had to pull clinging, screaming children off their parents’ legs. Minutes later, with the parents gone, the children have settled in and are happily playing with the other children.

Don’t force your children into situations that are overwhelming to them just so they will be brave. Some children learn by jumping into the pool, and others watch from the sidelines for a summer before they put their faces in the water. Respect their differences and have faith.

Booster Thoughts

Ten-year-old Lisa decided she wanted to watch Halloween III, an extremely scary movie. Her parents said they thought the movie was too scary, but she insisted on watching it. No one in her family wanted to watch the movie with her, so Lisa decided she would watch it by herself. Her parents said they would be in the next room, and if she got scared, she could come in for reassurance.

Lisa’s mother made her a bowl of popcorn, and her father helped her carry in her stuffed animals and special quilt. He turned on all the lights at Lisa’s request and left the room as the movie began.

About ten minutes later, Lisa came into the living room and said, “I don’t think I’m really in the mood to watch that movie tonight. Maybe I’ll watch it another time.”

Some children do what they really don’t want to do so they can win the power struggle with their parents. Lisa’s parents supported her to learn for herself how much she could handle.

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Mistakes are Opportunities to Learn

Question:

It is only today that I've discovered your website, a day after my husband and I have already told our 11 year old son that as a consequence to two pretty severe behavioral issues, he was not going to be able to participate in an upcoming motorcycle race, or to sleep over at a friends' house for Halloween. I am now realizing after scouring your website, that taking away privileges, isn't the best method; and we certainly didn't agree in advance what limits would be set, and what would happen. My concern however, is that if we don't follow through with the "punishment" that has been set, that we will have totally missed an opportunity to impart the seriousness of his behavior, and our ability to stick to our plan. Help? Olivia

Answer:

Olivia, in my opinion you would be more effective and teach your child many valuable life skills by admitting you unknowingly made a mistake. Then let him know you would like to work WITH him to find a solution. Then ask him if he knows what his mistakes were, what he learned from them, and what ideas he has to solve the problems that would work better than punishment. I'm sure you can see how much more he will learn from this. Before you start, remember the new Positive Discipline theme: Connection before Correction. Let him know how much to love him before you start this conversation.