Kind and Firm Parenting

A foundation of Positive Discipline is to be kind and firm at the same time. Some parents are kind, but not firm. Others are firm, but not kind. Many parents vacillate between the two—being too kind until they can’t stand their kids (who develop an entitlement attitude) and then being too firm until they can’t stand themselves (feeling like tyrants).

Opposites Attract: When One Parent Is Kind And The Other Is Firm

It is interesting to note how often two people with opposing philosophies about kindness and firmness get married. One has a tendency to be just a little too lenient. The other has a tendency to be just a little too strict. Then the lenient parent thinks he or she needs to be more lenient to make up for the mean old strict parent. The strict parent thinks he or she needs to be more strict to make up for the wishy-washy lenient parent—so they get further and further apart and fight about who is right and who is wrong. In truth they are both wrong. The trick is to be kind and firm and the same time.

Putting kind and firm together can be a challenge for parents who have a habit of going to one extreme or the other.

The Importance of “And” In Kind and Firm

One of my favorite examples of kind and firm at the same time is, “I love you, and the answer is NO.”

Other examples:

I know you don’t want to stop playing (validate feelings), AND it is time for _____

I know you would rather watch TV than do your homework (show understanding), AND homework needs to be done first.

You don’t want to brush your teeth, AND we’ll do it together. Want to race? (Redirection.)

I know you don’t want to mow the lawn, AND what was our agreement? (Kindly and quietly wait for the answer—assuming you decided together on an agreement in advance.)

You don’t want to go to bed, AND it is bedtime. Do you want one story or two stories as soon as your jammies are on? (Provide a choice?)

I know you want to keep play video games, AND your time is up. You can turn it off now, or it will be put in my closet. (A choice and then follow through by deciding what you will do.)

Kind Is Not Always Nice

The mother bird knows instinctively when it is time to push her baby bird from the nest so it will learn to fly. If we didn’t know better we might think this is not very nice of the mother bird. If the baby bird could talk, it might be saying, “No. I don’t want to leave the nest. Don’t be so mean. That’s not fair.” However, we know the baby bird would not learn to fly if the mother bird did not provide that important push.

Kind is not always nice. It would be very unkind to allow her baby to be handicapped for life by pampering—an unkindness practiced by many parents today.

I think we all know the mistakes made in the name of firmness without kindness. In a word, it is punishment. However, many do not know the mistakes made in the name of kindness such as:

• Pleasing
• Rescuing
• Over-protecting
• Pampering—providing all “wants”
• Micromanaging in the name of love
• Giving too many choices
• Making sure children never suffer

All of theses parenting methods create weakness.

You may be surprised to see, “making sure children never suffer,” as a mistake in the name of kindness. The following story of the little boy and the butterfly may help you understand how rescuing children from all suffering creates weakness.

A little boy felt sorry for a butterfly struggling to emerge from its chrysalis. He decided to help so he could save the butterfly from the struggle. So he peeled the chrysalis open for the butterfly. The little boy was so excited to watch the butterfly spread its wings and fly off into the sky. Then he was horrified as he watched the butterfly drift to the ground and die because it did not have the muscle strength to keep flying.

Like the little boy, parents too often (in the name of love) want to protect their children from struggle. They don’t realize that their children need to struggle, to deal with disappointment, to solve their own problems, so they can develop their emotional muscles and develop the skills necessary for the even bigger struggles they will encounter throughout their lives.

It is important that parents do not make children suffer, but sometimes it is most helpful to “allow” them to suffer with support.

For example, suppose a child “suffers” because she can’t have the toy she wants. Allowing her to suffer through this experience can help her develop her resiliency muscles. She learns that she can survive the ups and downs of life—leading to a sense of capability and competency. The support part is that you validate her feelings, but avoid rescuing or lecturing.

It isn’t helpful when parents engage in “piggy backing”—adding lectures, blame and shame to what the child is experiencing. “Stop crying and acting like a spoiled brat. You can’t always have what you want. Do you think I’m made of money? And besides, all I got in my Christmas stocking was nuts and an orange.”

Instead, parents can offer loving support. “I can see this is very upsetting to you. It can be very disappointing when we don’t get what we want.” Period. I say, “period,” because some parents even overdo validating feelings—going on and on in the hopes that validating feelings will take away the suffering.

 Validate a child’s feelings and then allow her to recover from those feelings. “I can see you are very disappointed that you didn’t get a better grade.” Then comes the tough part—no rescuing and no lectures. Simply allow her to discover that she can get over her disappointment and figure out what might increase her chances of getting what she wants in the future.

Kindness Without Firmness Is Permissiveness

Many people who are drawn to Positive Discipline err on the side of kindness. They are against punishment, but don’t realize that firmness is necessary to avoid permissiveness. Permissiveness is not healthy for children because they are likely to decide, “Love means getting others to take care of me and give me everything I want."

Have faith in your children that they can learn and grow from suffering—especially in a supportive environment. Understand that kind is not always nice, short term. True kindness and firmness together provide an environment where children can develop the “wings” they need to soar through life.

Motivation - A Positive Discipline Tool Card

An excerpt from the book Positive Discipline by Dr. Jane Nelsen.

Where did we ever get the crazy idea that to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse?

Think of the last time you felt humiliated or treated unfairly. Did you feel like cooperating or doing better?

Take time to close your eyes and remember a recent time (or a time during your childhood) when someone tried to motivate you to do better by trying to make you feel bad. Remember exactly what happened. Get in touch with how you felt. Be aware of what you were deciding about yourself, about the other person, and about what to do in the future. (Even though you were not aware that you were making decisions at the time.)

Did you feel motivated to do better? If so, was it a good feeling, or was it based on negative feelings about yourself and/or the other person? Did you feel motivated to give up or to cover up so you could avoid future humiliation? Or, did you want to become an approval junkie—giving up a big part of yourself in order to please others?

Children do not develop positive characteristics based on the feelings and subconscious decisions they make as a result of punishment.

Parents and teachers who don’t like excessive control or permissiveness, but don’t know what else to do, may switch back and forth in confusion between two ineffective alternatives. They try excessive control until they can’t stand themselves for sounding so tyrannical. They then switch to permissiveness until they can’t stand how spoiled and demanding the children get—so they go back to excessive control.

What is the price when excessive control seems to work with some children? Research has shown that children who experience a great deal of punishment become either rebellious or fearfully submissive. Positive Discipline does not include any blame, shame, or pain (physical or emotional) as motivators. On the other hand, permissiveness is humiliating to adults and children and creates unhealthy co-dependence instead of self-reliance and cooperation.

Since many parents and teachers believe the only alternative to giving up excessive control and strictness is permissiveness, it is important that we define discipline. Discipline is a word that is often misused. Many people equate discipline with punishment—or at least believe that punishment is the way to help people achieve discipline. However, discipline comes from the Latin word discipulus or disciplini which means a follower of truth, principle, or a venerated leader. Children and students will not become followers of truth and principle unless their motivation comes from an internal locus of control—until they learn self-discipline. Both punishment and reward come from an external locus of control.

If Not Strictness, and Not Permissiveness—Then What?

Positive Discipline is an approach that does not include excessive control or permissiveness. Positive Discipline is based on mutual respect and cooperation and using kindness and firmness at the same time as the foundation for teaching life competencies based on an inner locus of control. We stress the importance of making a connection before correction; and involving children to focus on solutions instead of punishing for mistakes.

When adults use excessive control, it is their responsibility to be constantly in charge of children’s behavior. The most popular form of excessive control used by parents and teachers is a system of rewards and punishment. With this system, adults must catch children being "good" so they can give rewards and catch them being "bad" so they can dole out punishment. Who is being responsible? Obviously it is the adult; so what happens when the adult is not around? Children do not learn to be responsible for their own behavior. They do not learn to do the right thing when no one is looking.

It is interesting to note how often controlling adults complain about irresponsibility in children without realizing they are training children to be irresponsible. Permissiveness also teaches irresponsibility because adults and children both relinquish responsibility.

One of the most important concepts to understand about Positive Discipline is that children are more willing to follow rules that they have helped establish. They become effective decision makers with healthy self-concepts when they learn to be contributing members of a family, a classroom, and of society. These are important long-term effects of the positive approach. They can be summarized in the following:

Five Criteria for Positive Discipline

1. Is kind and firm at the same time. (Respectful and encouraging) 
2. Helps children feel a sense of belonging and significance. (Connection) 
3. Is effective long-term. (Punishment works short term, but has negative long-term results.) 
4. Teaches valuable social and life skills for good character. (Respect, concern for others, problem-solving, accountability, contribution, cooperation) 
5. Invites children to discover how capable they are and to use their personal power in construc- tive ways. 


Punishment does not meet any of these criteria. Every method taught in Positive Discipline does. The first criteria, kindness and firmness at the same time is a cornerstone concept for Positive Discipline.

KINDNESS AND FIRMNESS AT THE SAME TIME

Rudolf Dreikurs taught the importance of being both kind and firm. Kindness is important to show respect for the child. Firmness is important to show respect for ourselves and for the needs of the situation. Authoritarian methods usually lack kindness. Permissive methods lack firmness. Kindness and firmness are essential for positive discipline.

Many parents and teachers struggle with this concept for several reasons. One is that they often don’t feel like being kind when a child has pushed their buttons. Again adults want children to control their behavior when adults don’t control their own behavior? Often, it is the adults who should take some positive time-out until they can feel better so they can do better.

Another reason adults have difficulty being kind and firm at the same time is that they don’t know what kind and firm looks like. They may be stuck in the vicious cycle of being too firm when upset—or because they don’t know what else to do; and then being too kind to make up for being too firm.

Tune in next week to learn more about the Positive Discipline Tool of Kindness and Firmness at the Same Time.

Helpful Hints For Empowering Vs. Enabling

An Excerpt from Positive Discipline for Teenagers
by Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott.

A friend asked me if Positive Discipline was a program to teach parents to manage their children. I said, "No, it is a program to help parents empower their children to manage themselves."

You may be vividly aware of how skilled most of us are in using enabling responses to our children, and how unskilled we are in using empowering responses. Parents who are used to controlling and rescuing may have a difficult time seeing the benefit of empowering statements.

Before we introduce the empowering actions and statements, we’ll go over enabling actions and statements—just in case you aren’t familiar with them. Our definition of enabling is, "Getting between young people and life experiences to minimize the consequences of their choices." Enabling responses include:

1. DOING TOO MUCH FOR THEM: Doing things for kids that they could do for themselves, bailing them out after bawling them out. “I can’t believe you have procrastinated again. What will ever become of you? Okay, I’ll do it this time, but next time you’ll just have to suffer the consequences.”
2. GIVING THEM TOO MUCH: Buying everything they want, cell phones, cars, insurance, clothes you can’t afford, CDs, junk food. “I can’t believe you didn’t do your homework after I bought you a car, a cell phone, clothes I can’t afford, and gave you a big allowance.”
3. BRIBING AND/OR REWARDING: “You can have a new CD, allowance, cell phone, if you do your homework.”
4. OVERPROTECTING:  What to wear, when to wear coats so they won’t get cold as if they are too stupid to know or to learn, picking their friends, extreme fear of danger. “Honey, I’ve got the car warming up in the garage so you won’t be cold.  Did you see the clothes I picked out for you?  I’ll wait till you’re ready to go, cuz I’d like to drive you to school so you won’t catch a cold.” 
5. HOVERING: Doing their laundry, waking them up in the morning, making their lunches, driving them places when they could walk or ride a bike, excusing them from helping the family because they have homework. “I just don’t understand. I excused you from chores, I woke you up early, I drove you everywhere so you would have more time, I made your lunches. How could this be?”
6. LYING FOR THEM:  Excuses to the teacher, writing notes when they just slept in, I won’t tell Dad/Mom. “Okay, I’ll write a note to the teacher that you were sick this morning, but you’ll need to be sure and catch up.”
7. PUNISHING/CONTROLLING: Grounding, taking away privileges, creating your agenda for them. “Well then, you are grounded and you lose all your privileges, no car, no TV, no friends, until it is done.” 
8. WHAT AND HOW LECTURES:  Telling them what happened, what caused it to happen, how they should feel, and what they should do about it. “Well, no wonder. I saw you wasting your time on MySpace and spending too much time texting your friends and sleeping in. You should feel ashamed of yourself. You’d better shape up or you’ll be shipping out to live on the streets like a bum.”
9. HOW, WHAT, AND WHY CAN’T YOU LECTURES: “How many times have I told you to get your homework done early? Why can’t you be more like your brother?” Why can’t you be more responsible? What will become of you?”
10. BLAMING AND SHAMING: “How could you ever do such a thing, how come you always forget and never get your homework done, I can’t believe you would be so lazy.”
11. LIVING IN DENIAL: Thinking your child could never do such a thing--being oblivious to the cultural mores regarding sex and drugs, and believing things are dangerous without educating yourself. “Well, honey. I’m sure you don’t really need to do homework. It is a stupid thing for teachers to expect. You are smart enough to do just fine without it.”
12. RESCUING/FIXING: Buying new things to replace what your child loses, hiring lawyers, staying up late to help with (or doing) last minute homework. “I’ll hurry and do it for you while you get dressed and eat your breakfast. Sorry I won’t be able to fix your bacon, eggs, and waffles. I’m sure you’ll do your homework tomorrow.”

Our definition of empowering is, "Turning control over to young people as soon as possible so they have power over their own lives."  All of the following Empowering Responses are possibilities that can be used in response to neglected homework as well as other challenges you may be experiencing:

1. SHOW FAITH: "I have faith in you. I trust you to figure out what you need. I know that when it's important to you, you'll know what to do."
2. RESPECT PRIVACY: "I respect your privacy and want you to know I'm available if you want to discuss this with me."
3. EXPRESS YOUR LIMITS: "I'm not willing to go to school to bail you out. When your teacher calls, I'll hand the phone to you or tell her she'll need to discuss it with you. "A respectful attitude and tone of voice is essential.
4. LISTEN WITHOUT FIXING OR JUDGING: "I would like to hear what this means for you."
5. CONTROL YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR: "I'm willing to take you to the library when we come to an agreement in advance for a convenient time, but I'm not willing to get involved at the last minute." "If you need my help with your homework, please let me know in advance."
6. DECIDE WHAT YOU WILL DO WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT:  “I’m available to help with homework between 7:00 and 8:00 on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I won’t be available to help with last minute projects.”
7. FOLLOW THROUGH WITH KINDNESS AND FIRMNESS: “I can see you are stressed about waiting until that last minute. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. I’ll be available Tuesdays and Thursdays from 7:00 to 8:00.”
8. LET GO OF THEIR ISSUES: "I hope you'll go to college, but I'm not sure it's important to you."
9. AGREEMENT NOT RULES: "Could we sit down and see if we can work on a plan regarding homework that we both can live with?"
10. LOVE AND ENCOURAGE: "I love you just the way you are and respect you to choose what is right for you."
11. ASK FOR HELP: "I need your help. Can you explain to me why it isn't important to you to do your homework?"
12. SHARE YOUR FEELINGS: Share your truth by using the "I feel ______ because _______  and I wish" process without expecting anyone else to feel the same or grant your wish. This is a great model for children to acknowledge their feelings and wishes without expectations. "I feel upset when you don't do your homework because I value education so much and think it could be very beneficial to you in your life and I really wish you would do it.
13. JOINT PROBLEM SOLVING: "What is your picture of what is going on regarding your homework? Would you be willing to hear my concerns? Could we brainstorm together on some possible solutions?"
14. RESPECTFUL COMMUNICATION: "I'm feeling too upset to talk about this right now. Let's put it on the agenda for the family meeting so we can talk about it when I'm not so emotional."
15. INFORMATION VS. ORDERS: "I notice you spend a lot of time watching television and talking on the phone during the time you have set aside for homework." "I notice you often leave your homework until the last minute and then feel discouraged about getting it done."
16. ENCOURAGE LEARNING FROM MISTAKES: “I can see that you feel bad about getting that poor grade. I have faith in you to learn from this and figure out what you need to do to get the grade you would like.”

If you are used to using short-range solutions of control and rescuing, you might not realize how powerful these empowering statements are.  Empowering statements and actions are important because they turn control over to your kids so they have power over their own lives. This power often leads to mistakes and failure. When you understand and trust that learning from mistakes and failure is an important part of a successful life process, you may find it easier to use the empowering statements.  If what you are currently doing isn’t working, take a leap of faith and work on using empowering statements with your kids.

Decide What You Will Do

A Positive Discipline Tool Card

The Jones family is very excited. They have just finished planning a day at the beach. Seven-year-old Jason and five-year-old Jenny have promised that they won’t fight. Mr. Jones, has warned, “If you do, we’ll turn around and come back.” “We won’t, we won’t,” promise Jason and Jenny again.

The Jones family haven’t gone two miles when a loud wail is heard from the back seat, “Jason hit me.”

Mrs. Jones says, “What did we tell you kids about fighting?”

Jason defends himself, “Well, she touched me.”

Mr. Jones threatens, “You two had better cut it out, or we are going home.”

The children cry out it unison, “Nooooooo! We’ll be good.”

And they are -- for about ten minutes. Then, another wail is heard, “He took my red crayon.”

Jason replies, “Well she was hogging it. It’s my turn.”

Mr. Jones says, “Do you want me to turn around and go home?”

“Nooooooo. We’ll be good.”

And so the story goes. Throughout the day Jason and Jenny fight, and Mr. and Mrs. Jones make threats. At the end of the day, Mr. and Mrs. Jones are angry and threaten never to take the kids anywhere again. Jason and Jenny feel bad that they have made their parents so miserable.  They are beginning to believe they really are bad kids—and they keep living up to their reputation.

Now let’s visit the Smith family. They have just planned their trip to the zoo during their weekly family meeting. Part of the planning included a discussion about limits and solutions.  Mr. and Mrs. Smith have told Susan and Sam how miserable they feel when they fight. The kids promise they won’t. Mr. Smith said, “I appreciate that, and I think we should come up with a plan for what will happen if you forget.” The kids keep insisting they won’t fight. Mr. and Mrs. Smith know their children have good intentions, and they are also very familiar with the pattern of good intentions gone awry. So, they have decided what they will do and they will follow through.

Mrs. Smith says, “Well then, is it okay with you if we stop the car if you do forget? We don’t think it is safe to drive when you are fighting, so we’ll just pull over to the side of the road and wait for you to stop. You can let us know when you are ready for us to drive again. How do you feel about that solution?” Both kids agree with innocent enthusiasm.

Typically, it doesn’t take them long to forget their promise, and a fight begins. Mrs. Smith quickly and quietly pulls off to the side of the road. She and Mr. Smith take out magazines and start reading. Each child starts blaming the other while protesting his or her own innocence. Mr. and Mrs. Jones ignore them and just keep reading. It doesn’t take long for Susan to catch on that Mom and Dad must mean what they said. Susan says, “Okay, we are ready to keep driving.” Mr. Smith says, “We’ll wait until we hear it from both of you.” Sam says, “But, she hit me.”

Mom and Dad just keep reading.  Susan hits Sam, “Tell them you are ready.” Sam cries, “She hit me again.” Mom and Dad just keep reading. Susan realizes that hitting Sam won’t help, so she tries to reason with him. “We’ll have to sit here forever if you don’t say you are ready.” Susan follows her parent’s lead and starts to color. Sam holds out for about three more minutes before saying, “I’m ready for you to start driving.” Mom says, “Thank you very much. I appreciate your cooperation.”

About 30 minutes later another fight starts. Mom starts to pull over to the side of the road. Both kids cry out in unison, “We’ll stop. We’re ready to keep driving.” There was no more fighting for the rest of the day, and the Smiths enjoyed a wonderful day at the zoo.

What is the difference between the Jones family and the Smith family? Are Jason and Jenny really “bad” kids?” No, the difference is that the Smith family is helping their children learn cooperation and problem solving skills while the Jones family is helping their children learn manipulation skills. Mr. and Mrs. Smith demonstrate that they say what they mean and mean what they say by using kind and firm follow through. Mr. and Mrs. Jones don’t. They used angry threats. This had a temporary effect, but the kids would soon be fighting again.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith stopped using words and instead followed through with kind and firm action. It took a little longer for the kids to catch on, but once they did it had a longer lasting effect. Because they are kids, they just had to test the waters one more time. When their parents started to follow through again the kids knew they meant what they said. They were left with the feeling, not that they were bad kids, but that they were clever enough to figure out a solution to the problem and that cooperation was the most effective alternative.