Pampering and Creating Weakness

Question:

Hi Jane,
I keep running into parents who have devoted their days to one on one time with their (only) children. They don't do their work; they don't do their housework, they don't take time for themselves. They play with their children all day. Now they find that their children "need them" all the time. They throw fits when these moms try to unload the dishwasher or attempt to have a nap. These moms have built their own traps, yet did it in the name of love. Everyone is so miserable when the women try to do something on their own. They think that they are being "mean" when they don’t give in to all their children’s demands.
Are you experiencing this trend? What do you recommend for parents who are on the far side of permissiveness?
-G

Answer:

Hi G

The trend you describe is huge. I run into it all the time. These parents don't understand how much they are "hurting" their children. I'm getting stronger in my lectures about parents "robbing" their children of opportunities to develop the belief that they are capable. They are "robbing" them of the opportunity to develop (through their own experiences) the believe that they can survive the upsets and disappointments of life. Instead, they are helping their children develop the belief that love means manipulating others into giving them whatever they want whenever they want it. The following excerpt is from "Parents Who Love Too Much" by Jane Nelsen and Cheryl Erwin.

Creating Weakness

You may have heard the story of the little boy who watched a butterfly struggling to emerge from its chrysalis. He felt sorry that the butterfly had to struggle and thought he would help by opening the chrysalis. The butterfly fluttered a few feet, then drifted to the ground and died because it did not have the muscle strength to keep flying – strength that would have been developed through its struggle to leave the chrysalis. This struggle to learn and grow is built into the life story of most of the animal kingdom for a very good reason. It is meant to be built into the human story as well.
How often do we take the role of the little boy and rescue our children from struggles that will help them build the strength they need to handle the even bigger struggles they will certainly encounter in their lives? And why do we do it? These questions will be answered in greater detail in later chapters, but a simple answer is that even the most loving parents lack knowledge about the long-range effects of what they do.
Knowledge (and Lack Thereof)
The little boy would not have followed his emotions if he had understood that he was hurting rather than helping the butterfly. Much of what we do is due to lack of knowledge – another key to unlocking the mystery of loving too much. We don’t know of any parents who would rescue or overprotect their children if they truly understood that they are doing more harm (in the name of love) than good.
We know that parents who “love too much” have very good intentions. However, they may not be aware that their loving intentions do not produce the results they hope for. Their children may be missing opportunities to learn to truly value themselves (instead of feeling loved only when they are pampered), and to value others (instead of loving only those who are willing to pamper them). Too many parents do not realize that when they overprotect and/or rescue their children (to protect them from difficult situations and hurt feelings), they are leading their children to develop the belief that they are not capable, resilient problem-solvers.

Suggestions:

Have faith in children that they can survive upset and disappointment. (Children will pick up on the “energy” of your feelings even more than your actions.)
Do what you need to do (your work) and allow children to have their feelings. They’ll deal with them and learn that they can survive.
Find a playgroup or some other kind of child care for at least a few hours a week where children can learn that they aren’t the center of the Universe. (Of course it should also be a place where children are treated with respect—both kindness and firmness at the same time.