Addiction Proof Your Child

Recently I had the opportunity to interview Dr. Stanton Peele, author of Addiction Proof Your Child. As soon as I read Dr. Peele’s book I wanted to talk with him because I was so excited to find someone who goes beyond what I call “crazy conventional thinking” regarding the education of children about drugs and drinking, and how to control their behavior.
To listen to this interview click here: http://positivediscipline.com/podcast/


You’ll want to read Addiction Proof your Child to learn more about:
1) Why programs like DARE don’t work
2) What really causes addiction
3) Why AA is inappropriate for teenagers with a drinking problem
4) How parents are key players in a child’s likelihood to become an addict
5) Why teaching kids to drink moderately at home is the best way to avoid a problem with drinking
6) How the best antidotes to addiction are the values kids learn at home
7) Why dependence is the worst substance abuse, and what parents need to do to avoid teaching children to be dependent
8) Much, much more.

Addiction Proof Your Child is now available at http://www.empoweringpeople.com/
For more information about Dr. Peele and his books go to http://www.peele.net/
The following article illustrates who much Dr. Peele and I are on the same page.
Why Children Will or Won’t Talk with their Parents about Drugs or any other Life Challenge
by Dr. Jane Nelsen http://www.positivediscipline.com

Most parents love their children; and most children know it—sort of. Sort of means children know intellectually that their parents love them, but they may not feel that love in their guts. What do they feel instead? Conditionally loved: “I’m loved if I get good grades.” “I’m loved if I’m totally obedient (no room to be me, to explore possibilities, to make mistakes, to learn what works and what doesn’t work, to figure things out in a loving and supportive atmosphere).”

I have talked with hundreds of teenagers—really good kids. It is so sad to hear how they feel they have to walk on egg shells around their parents. They would love to talk with them and have a non-judgmental conversation to explore their experiences and figure out what they mean; but they are afraid of the disapproval, the disappointment, of getting into trouble. So what do they do instead? They sneak around, they lie, and they rebel. They feel sad, hurt, and angry.

When parents wonder why their children lie, I tell them, “Because they love you. They need to individuate (find out who they are separate from you), and they don’t want to disappoint you. So, they explore and test and break the rules; and then they lie so they don’t have to experience your disappointment or your wrath.”

Not all children feel they have to lie. Some can talk to their parents. Two teenagers shared their envy of a friend who could tell his parents everything. Their friend even told his parents that he had tried drinking at a party. Instead of going ballistic, these parents helped him explore his experience? They asked curiosity questions, starting with asking him how he felt about it—and then they listened. They asked him how he felt about responsible drinking and irresponsible drinking, and if he knew the difference. And then they listened.

They were not surprised at how much their son knew because they had always taught him to think for himself and to explore the consequences of his choices with their supportive help (very different from imposing consequences). It was obvious that their son had thought a lot about drinking. He told them he really didn’t want to get drunk and act silly like the other kids did. He knew that he didn’t want drinking to be a daily habit for him, and certainly didn’t want to be an alcoholic. He said he would never drink and drive, and had even taken keys away from a friend who was drunk and wanted to drive. (Very responsible.)

They wondered if he ever drank when he didn’t want to because of peer pressure. He admitted that he had. They avoided any lectures about that and just let him sit with that information. Several weeks later he told his parents he had decided not to drink when he didn’t feel like it and didn’t feel any peer pressure. Instead his friends said, “Cool. You can be our designated driver.”
Why did I emphasize listening with bold letters? Because most parents don’t. They are too busy reacting and trying to control through lectures and punishment. They are coming from fear: fear that their children will make mistakes (as though they don’t), fear that their children won’t get good grades, fear that their children will get into drugs and sex, fear that they will drive too fast and get hurt—or hurt someone else, fear that their children won’t be perfect, fear that their children might do some of the things they did when they were teens. Yikes!

When you parent from fear and control, what happens to love and respect? Oh you may think you are controlling as the best way to show love for your children, but the truth is that felt love and respect get buried. How do children respond to this lack of felt love and respect—all this fear and control? They rebel or they comply. Compliance is not a good thing. These children are becoming approval junkies. They are not learning to think for themselves and they are not learning skills to deal with the ups and downs of life in ways that help them feel confident, capable, and self-reliant. Rebellion is not a good thing. These children are not learning to think for themselves. They are too busy living “against” their parents to learn to live “for” themselves. One teenager said, I wish I could talk to my parents about everything, but I can talk to them only about the things that are safe, such a sports. My parents know I’m good at sports, but they don’t really know anything about the issues I struggle with. They know who they think I am, or who they want me to be, but they don’t know who I really am.

You may be wondering, “How on earth do I give up my fear? All the dangers I’m worried about are real,” and, “If I give up control, isn’t that being permissive?”

Let’s tackle the first concern. Yes, the dangers are real. That is why you want to empower your children to deal with these dangers in healthy responsible ways (more about this later), instead of driving them to unhealthy rebellion or unhealthy compliance.

Regarding the second concern, permissiveness isn’t any better than fear and control. Children make very unhealthy decisions about themselves and life when they are treated permissively—decisions such as: “Love means getting other people to take care of me and give me everything I want. So, I’ll manipulate and have temper tantrums until I get what I want.” One teen was very troubled because his brother was good at manipulating and got away with unacceptable behavior while he was punished for things that weren’t half as bad. He was struggling with anger for being treated unfairly (compared to his brother), and fear that his anger could only get him in more trouble.

How to Empower Teens and Yourself in the Process
Give up all punishment. No grounding, no withdrawal of privileges, no lectures, no imposed consequences (which are really poorly disguised punishments). What else is there? There are many non-punitive parenting tools that prepare children for life. Let’s start with the:

Five Criteria for Effective Discipline
1. Helps children feel a sense of connection? (Belonging and Significance)
2. Is respectful and encouraging? (Kind and firm at the same time)
3. Is effective long-term? (Punishment works short term, but has negative long-term results.)
4. Teaches valuable social and life skills for good character? (Respect, concern for others, problem-solving, cooperation)
5. Invites children to discover how capable they are? (Encourages the constructive use of personal power and autonomy)

When you read this list, it is obvious that punishment does not meet any of these criteria. I often hear the objection, “Well, I was punished and I turned out fine. To read an article titled, “I was Punished and I Turned Out Fine,” go to http://www.positivediscipline.com/articles/I%20Was%20Punished.html and you’ll see that there is something much better than just “fine.”

Lynn Lott and I have written a book, “Positive Discipline for Teenagers” that is filled with parenting tools that do meet the Five Criteria for Effective Discipline. Obviously I can’t cover all of them, but I will share a few that will help you understand that there is something beyond punishment.

Curiosity Questions
Stop telling and start asking. This is one of the most common mistakes parents make. They talk, talk, talk, tell, tell, tell. When children make a mistake, most parents tell their children what happened, what caused it to happen, how they should feel about it, and what they should do about it. Then they add some kind of punishment, “to teach them a lesson.” I just wish parents would get into their children’s world to discover the lessons they are teaching and what children are learning. As mentioned in the second paragraph, children are learning to sneak, lie, rebel, or comply. They learn to live against their parents instead of for themselves. They are not learning to think for themselves, to learn from their mistakes, or to focus on solutions that are respectful to everyone concerned.

One of my favorite examples of curiosity questions occurred when my youngest daughter, Mary, announced to me that she was planning to get drunk at her ninth grade graduation party. Before continuing the story, think about the kind of relationship we had that would invite her to tell me this: closeness and trust. Mary knew that I would not react, lecture, and punish. Too many parents have created a relationship of distance and hostility with their children and then wonder why they experience lies and rebellion.

I did not say, “Oh no you aren’t! Don’t you know how dangerous that is? Do you want to ruin your life? If you do, you’ll be grounded for a month and you’ll lose all your privileges.”

Instead, I said, “Tell me more about that. Why are you thinking of doing this?”

Mary: “Lots of kids are doing it, and it looks like they are having fun.”
Me: “What do the kids say about you now because you don’t drink?”
Mary thought about that. (You know you are asking a curiosity question when kids get that you are truly curious and you can watch their thinking wheels turn.) She replied, “They are always telling me they admire me and are proud of me.”
Me: “Don’t they try to pressure you to drink?”
Mary: “Not really. They sometimes try to get me to drink, but they don’t pressure me when I say no. I’ve just decided that I think I want to try it.”
Me: “What do you think your friends will say about you after you get drunk?”
Mary: “Hmmmm. They’ll probably be disappointed in me.”
Me: “How do you think you’ll feel about yourself?”
Mary, after a long, thinking pause, “I’ll probably feel like a loser.” Another pause: “I guess I won’t do it.”
Me, “Sounds like a good decision. I have faith in you to think about what you really want your life to be like instead of following the crowd.” (Okay, so I did get a little lecture in there; but I don’t think she heard it as a lecture.)

Again I want to point out that curiosity questions help children explore the consequences of their choices instead of having consequences (punishment) imposed on them. Many years later, Mary told me she did try drinking a few times, but didn’t really like it and decided she didn’t want drinking to be part of her life. Her friends told her she would get used to it, but she thought, “Why should I?”

Helping your children think for themselves is much better that inviting them to sneak and rebel. Not all children will decide to eliminate all drinking from their lives. After all, most of their parents are social drinkers (if not alcoholics). Wouldn’t it be better to help them think about the difference between responsible and irresponsible drinking?

Curiosity questions are effective only when you are truly curious about what your children are thinking, feeling, and learning. This can be difficult when you are upset. Wait until you have calmed down before engaging in curiosity questions. It can be very effective to say, “I’m too upset about this right now, but I love you and want to get together with you when I have calmed down.” Sometimes it is best to put the problem on a family meeting agenda and let the whole family in on the discussion and then brainstorm for solutions.

Get Into Your Kids’ World
Kids are so wise. Recently I asked some teenagers how they felt about drinking. They told me that just about every teenager drinks these days, except for some of their friends who have been able to discuss it with their parents and have decided not to drink or to drink rarely. They have enough self-confidence to say no when they don’t want to drink. Others may have one or two beers, but they don’t want to get drunk.

One of these teens added, “Most of the kids I know go crazy with drinking as soon as they go to college because they haven’t had any freedom to explore and discuss responsible drinking with their parents.” In other words, they have not had a safe place to explore. When they go to college they are more interested in “being free from the control” than in thinking.

Many parents prefer to live in denial. They like to think their kids are the only ones who can resist temptation (because of their lectures). This is very dangerous thinking. In today’s world, every kid (let me repeat EVERY kid) is being exposed to choices about drinking from the sixth grade on (and often earlier). Lectures don’t prepare them to make wise choices. Creating closeness and trust, curiosity questions, listening, family meetings, one-on-one joint problem-solving, and the many other non-punitive parenting tools might.

Family Meetings
How I wish every family would have regular family meetings. Family Meetings provide an opportunity to teach children valuable social and life skills for good character. During family meetings they learn:

• Listening skills
• Brainstorming skills
• Problem-solving skills
• Mutual respect
• The value of cooling off before solving a problem. (Problems are put on the weekly challenges pages so a cooling off period takes place before focusing on solutions to the challenge.)
• Concern for others
• Cooperation
• Accountability in a safe environment. (People don’t worry about admitting mistakes when they know they will be supported to find solutions instead of experiencing blame, shame, or pain.)
• How to choose solutions that are respectful to everyone concerned
• A sense of belonging and significance
• Social interest
• That mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn

Family Meetings provide an opportunity for parents to:

• Avoid power struggles by respectfully sharing control
• Enjoy the wisdom of their children and their great ideas for problem-solving
• Avoid micromanaging children, so children learn self-discipline
• Listen in ways that invite children to listen o Respectfully share responsibility
• Create good memories through a family tradition o Model all of the skills they want their children to learn

Is this not worth 20 minutes once a week? If parents really understood the value of family meetings, it would be their most valuable parenting tool–and they would make every effort to schedule 20 to 30 minutes a week for family meetings.

Teens often complain about family meetings. This is one time to request that they humor you. Mary went through this stage of reluctance about family meetings. I didn’t take it personally and knew it was just part of the individuation stage. One day she came home from a friend’s house and said, “That family is so screwed up. They should have family meetings.” When she went to college, she had “family” meetings with her room mates. Keep planting those seeds. You never know when they will sprout.

Since it is not wise to talk about a challenge at the time of conflict, the family meeting agenda serves as an excellent cooling off strategy. When you are too upset to discuss something rationally, you can say, “Would you like to put this problem on the agenda, or should I?” Or, just put the challenge on the agenda yourself.

Suppose your child engages in back talk. Don’t back talk back. Put the problem on the agenda. (An alternative is to have an agenda for one-on-one joint problem-solving sessions instead of taking everything to the family meeting.) In either case, listen to everyone’s point of view (including yours), and then focus on solutions.

Suppose you ask your child to do something, and he ignores you. Avoid confrontation and lectures. This avoidance is probably a pattern based on resistance to being overly controlled—a passive aggressive response. It won’t hurt to ignore it while you are annoyed or angry and wait until you have both calmed down and the challenge can be discussed during a family meeting or one-on-one problem-solving session. It will help if you admit your mistake. “I wonder if you resist my requests because I have been too bossy and controlling. I know I wouldn’t like it if someone was always telling me what to do and when to do it. I apologize. And, I still need your help in many situations. How could we solve this problem in a way that feels respectful to both of us?”

See Mistakes as Wonderful Opportunities to Learn—for You and Your Children
In my 25th year anniversary edition of Positive Discipline, I encourage parents to take responsibility for their part in creating power struggles and defiance in their children (as well as any other “misbehavior,” including entitlement. I do this in a way that does not place blame, guilt, or shame—just awareness. When we are aware of what we create in life, and take responsibility for it, we can feel empowered and motivated to change it. What a wonderful gift to give our children!

To help children learn that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn, start a tradition during dinner time of having everyone share a mistake they made and what they learned from it. This will help children (and parents) overcome the belief that making a mistake means, “You are a worth-less person.” Instead, kids are instilled with the knowledge that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn, and the focus in on learning and solutions.

Even though I have presented only a few non-punitive parenting tools, I hope you are getting the idea. These methods are respectful, kind and firm, help children feel a sense of belonging (connection), are effective long-term, teach valuable social and life skills, and help children develop a sense of confidence, capability, and self-reliance. They help children learn to use their personal power in useful ways—and you will too.